#556 - JAKE SHIELDS + BRIAN SIMPSON episode artwork

EPISODE · May 9, 2022 · 1H 44M

#556 - JAKE SHIELDS + BRIAN SIMPSON

from KILL TONY · host DEATHSQUAD.TV & Studio71

Jake Shields, Brian Simpson, Michael Lehrer, Eliis Aych, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/18/2022Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffeFollow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link:  https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

Jake Shields, Brian Simpson, Michael Lehrer, Eliis Aych, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/18/2022 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link:  https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

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#556 - JAKE SHIELDS + BRIAN SIMPSON

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TRANSCRIPT · AUTO-GENERATED

Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on Tour Dates, you can come see us live.

Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road. And we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tour Dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv.

There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebel, he is the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints. Of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff.

Go to RyanJEbel.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. This is Red Band, come to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas.

From brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for a Tony! Well, gas, who wants to get canceled tonight, huh? Yeah, Red Bands here everybody. Hey everybody.

It's a noise for Red Band. How about a hand for the band, huh? Aren't they great everybody? That's the great D-Med-ness on bass guitar right there.

John Dees on the keys, Matt Muelling on guitar in the great Michael Gonzalez on drums. Welcome to Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. And through Ball Peanut Butter Whiskey, the official sponsor of the Kill Tony Band. Also, White Claw Red Bull in the W Hotel where now if you use the Code Kill Tony upon arrival on a Sunday or Monday night, you get 25% off.

So those of you visiting from out of town coming to Austin to see the show. It's a stay at the W. It's great hotel. Yeah, it is.

It's absolutely my favorite hotel to stay at when I'm visiting Austin. Mm-hm. And here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you for free right here, right now. Hey y'all.

Indeed, it is TonyHinchCliff here telling you that I'm back out on tour with my stand up comedy, lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me all around the country. We're back at it. Salt Lake City, May 20th and 21st, Buffalo, June 10th and 11th. Atlantic City, New Jersey, June 24th and 25th.

Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th, Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th, and the 30th, Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August, and August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee, making my long way to return, September 29th, 30th and October 1st. Excited to get back to Nashville, San Antonio, Dallas, Houston, Tampa, Atlantic City, and Buffalo. And of course, Salt Lake City, the home of my favorite religion, all very soon.

That's tickets available, TonyHinchCliff.com, and we'll see you out there. Hey, y'all. You've heard me talk about how important it is to have a VPN to protect your online privacy. But choosing a VPN you trust is equally as important.

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Use our link, ExpressVPN.com slash kill Tony today, and get an extra three months for free on a one year package that's ExpressVPN.com slash kill Tony. ExPRESVPN.com slash kill Tony to learn more. Holy shit, Red Man. I got to tell you, I came across the coolest stuff this week while I was out on the road with some graffiti art.

I've, you know, I've been all over the world and I saw a graffiti art at a New York City bar and it just hit different. I asked the bar owner who painted it. It was so cool. And I shit you not.

He told me that the original was worth millions. No shit. to tag my house because the house will appreciate millions of dollars redband and I'd be rich. Listeners, you need to check out the rest of the story at masterworks.art.

That's masterworks.art.art. You'll never believe it. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Huh?

You're at it. Nobody has more fun than us on Mondays. Every single week I have some of the funniest comedians in the world on and this week is no different. One of my favorite fighters of all time and one of the top young rising comedians in the world are here.

Make some noise for the great Brian Simpson and Jake Shields everybody. Oh shit. Brian Simpson fresh off of the new Netflix the stand-ups season three. Yeah, anywhere's good.

Come on and make yourselves at home. The great Jake Shields fighting royalty Brian Simpson comedy royalty BS with Brian Simpson and the new Netflix the stand-up season three Brian Simpson is on. And this is the great Jake Shields here just to make sure that in this day and age if anybody tries to fucking Will Smith me. Now I invite UFC fighters to the show.

Yeah, it's gonna be tough up here with two comedians but hey at least I can fight. Goddamn right. You talk shit to this guy he's gonna beat the shit out of you everybody. Just laugh at his jokes and play along everyone.

Bunch of people signed up with a chance to do 60 seconds here tonight. If I pull one of their names out of this bucket that means they get 60 seconds. You know they're times up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they're gonna bring out the angry west Hollywood bear.

Which is just really loud and annoying and then I talk to them and ask them questions about their life and we find out more about them. Everything is completely improvised and wild. You guys ready to do this shit huh? All right, so start tonight's show.

We have a few regulars on this show. It's been a part of the show since the beginning where some people a very very chosen few have the hard job of writing and performing a brand new minute every single week. Pretty much impossible in this stand-up comedy world. But these guys managed to do it.

This first guy ladies and gentlemen I mean just one of the best out there fresh off of doing arenas with Joe Rogan. This is a new minute from the Great Hanskib. Yes it has begun. I don't like how the first thing that people tell me is their name because now I have to remember their name for the entire conversation on the off chance that it's interesting.

Why don't you tell me your name at the end so I know who to blame for the shitty chitch that I had. I like how Christian, some traditional Christian's had a footprints poem in their house because that poem is about Jesus carrying a dude on a beach. What if the homophobic Jesus comes down? I don't carry dudes on beaches man.

I'm into chicks. Didn't you read what I said about the gays in my book? I mentioned them a couple times vaguely you should have extrapolated wildly. But it's good to be here.

It's hard difficult for me to date American women. It seems like whenever I'm on a date with them they're like oh this boy's just gonna be nice to me. I'm boring. I gotta been fighting off a rape.

Thank you. Whoa wait a second. What does that mean? You saying other races rape people?

It just means I think Asians are very docile and quiet and nice and American women are very tough and they alpha me. Wow they alpha you. It's very revealing very very honest. Thank you Tony.

Why is there a monkey here? Why of all the buttons? Okay right then already we're just okay. The only episode I saw killed Tony you had this trip girlfriend she's over on.

No I have a new non-stripper girlfriend. Really really. Remind us what does this girlfriend do Hans? She she's a comedian she likes to get massage gun.

Oh that one yeah we heard about this. Yes Hans was using a massage gun on this girl's vagina in the greener one night while she's saying our god is an awesome god. Someone walked in on that and said I just saw Hans Kim using a massage gun on a girl's vagina while she was singing our god is an awesome god and I go that is so specific that there's no doubt guilty is charged like judge jury executioner you definitely did that. A Theragon right?

Theragon. It was on the buttocks it wasn't near the it was near the vagina but it didn't actually reach the Why were you Theragoning her buttocks? She's a dancer so she was a little sore so I was just. She told you that she goes Hans I'm sore do you have a Theragon?

Yes and then you have pointed to where she wanted me to put it. Wow incredible and then what happened did you end up getting any action that night? Yeah we've been having regular intercourse. Wow regular intercourse and you seem like a safe guy you wear condom with this one right?

Yes all the time. All the time. Every time. Every day.

And we also know that you we also know that you don't like girls going down on you and you don't like going down on girls. This is true Hans. I like going down on her because she tastes good but. Whoa shit I just thought of a bunch of racial jokes about what it must taste like that you would enjoy it.

What does it taste like Hans? It tastes like a little acidic like kimchi. All right there you go. A little acidic like kimchi.

Oh hell yeah you love that. Oh my goodness gracious. Little umami flavor. Whoa.

Umami is right. Wow look at you. Absolutely incredible Hans and do you get her to have orgasms when you perform oral sex? Yes.

Are you sure? It's a little hesitation there. I think I won for four. One for four?

Wow now you think the other one you think that when you say one for four you mean you've gone down on her four times and you think she's come one so you think you have she has four fake orgasms to one. I hope they're all real. If it's not like I'm flattered that she would fake it for me so. Have you ever fake an orgasm before Hans?

No. Hans if you weren't gonna fake an orgasm what would that sound like? Right like a bad band. It wouldn't sound like a dolphin.

Probably like my real orgasm like. Wow that's incredible. She doesn't know when I come sometimes she's like Are you did you come or do you want to take a break? Whoa you're like both.

How long do you like fuckers still with like coming to your condom that you don't tell her? I tell her right away. I don't really like to fuck after I come it's really sensitive. Ah that is absolutely honest.

It's honest again. You are so honest it's just wild. The honesty that we get from you. You'll tell us anything won't you?

Yes. Oh shit what else happened crazy this week Hans? Anything else in your life a little bit out of whack a little bit. I went to HEB and some guy was like I love you Hans.

And then he was like you want to smoke weed and then I smoked weed out of this HEB apple that he bought. Oh my goodness. Now this is we've heard of this before this is actually we've learned that Hans will do any drug with anyone that offers him drugs. Brian Simpson.

Hans how is it that it took you to your second girl to eat pussy but you just smoking out of HEB app. He's like yeah I'll put that on my lips. That is the best question humanly possible that is right. Cheryl smoke out of your apple sir.

I mean he's saying our god is an awesome god why you snuck with him. I mean HEB I trust their quality assurance program. Wow interesting Hans. Okay and life is good you're doing the MGM Grand Garden Arena with Joe Rogan on July 1st.

How about that how crazy is that? Became a regular on kill Tony started killing every week with a new minute and your life completely changed. Yeah it's uh I recommend it to anybody. Yeah super easy you said to be likable and hilarious even when just answering the questions honestly and directly with either yes or no perhaps giving it a little huh yes Tony.

Little laugh before really projects like ability he's writing his own textbook which is one of the most Asian things about you Hans. That's another new minute and a great interview by the Great Hans Kim and the show has begun. You see how it works but now I reach into this bucket and we meet a fucking stranger. It's gonna be hard to follow that.

Hard to follow Hans but he gets it started good. How about one more time for the Great Hans Kim everybody. Making it look easy. Okay your first comedian out of the bucket this looks like a new name makes a noise for Tim.com everyone.

Ah well here he is everyone one more time for Tim.com. It's good to be here. It just came out of the closet his trans uh Bobic. Yeah finally I could be the person who I knew I was.

Turns out it's bigots. Alright don't shoot me okay. I don't know man my dating life's going okay just got out of my hogging this relationship. Yep yeah that coffee table is a bitch.

Somebody asked if I have autism I was like nah dude I'm not that good at minecraft. Keep it in your pants dog. Build a hut I don't know. Like okay if you don't have autism how was it able to just look at a QR code and know what it means without a phone.

So I thought everyone could do it I was in their head. I guess it is a little bit autistic of me I don't know. No we all grew up I'm from the dark web. Yep it's where I'm from so if you know like my opinions explain the YouTube algorithm.

That's where I got them. Fuck yeah alright smooth ending there. Tim.com hi Tim. What's up how are you?

You are by far one of the funniest 13 year old boys we've ever had on the show. This is absolutely incredible how you fit in with all these adults at a nightclub like this. I get carded so aggressively when I'm dressed in this. I bet I bet it's incredible.

Brian Simpson what do you think about this guy? I think it's you just you're the biggest example of somebody who voiced don't match their face. It looks like he's doing an impression of himself. Yeah.

No what are you the card he looks like a child he wants to pull. Hey talk like Andrew nice clay. Yeah. That's real.

I feel like your parents just left you at home and you just came out tonight and just like hey what's up. I'm just a comedian I'm from the dark web. I love it I love it. How old are you really?

32. 32. Oh fuck. Oh my god Benjamin buttons ass motherfucker over here.

32. Have you always just looked young? Yeah I got good genetics. Yeah you do you look like a Charlie Sheen never got AIDS.

You're like one and a half men. Don't touch me. Don't touch me. So Tim how long have you been doing stand up?

Nine years. Nine years. What do you do for work Tim? I'm a retired web developer.

You're a retarded web developer. Perfect. Absolutely great. I had a feeling when you said retarded I'm like this guy is correct.

How are you a retired web developer? Do you develop something that made you rich? Yeah I had a douche coin enterprise. Oh shit really?

Yeah really. Wow okay relax all right. I don't want you to shoot me with one of your little bang flag guns that you haven't in a holster. So can you tell us like ballpark how much money you made from douche coin?

Shitload I don't know I don't really tell people my net worth you know I mean not you know. But let's just say let's just say I don't know I have two cars in my own house. Okay all right what are we talking like around here we talking like round rock or something like Ohio because we all basically have a house around rock you know what I mean. Red man's got a mansion in Flugerville.

I got to check out Flugerville. I'll tell you he's got a fucking castle in Flugerville. You should see it double its price in six months. You'll take it and go see it's only a 53 minute drive north of 35.

That's great. The pride and sense. When you said Brue, I thought he was gonna say like I have a Bugatti. I said we just wanted to say two cars in the house.

Look at that's a garbage man. She's got a two thousand house. You got to say it's like impressively what do you have to we don't have. That's what we want to know.

I can say more. Yeah tell us more about your lavish spending. We like this. This is like this is like the movie big with Tom Hanks with a little boy.

The little boy got to live in his dream life. You have a trampoline in your house? I got a little pinball machine. One of those pianos you can jump on.

I got nothing it's empty it's completely stock. I got nothing in there but yes it's in Austin I guess technically. Something told me he's not gonna be a type too long. How much money did you lose when Doge crashed?

Could just say I could have had a lot more millions of dollars. Okay but you are a millionaire. It doesn't matter who would fuck me if I doesn't matter if I got to lay it anyway. That's true.

A million dollars or not. You're probably not going to get laid. You have the same vitamin D intake as red data right now. Hey come on.

You guys are both in odd shade of green. It's a little bit more Nickelodeon slime. You're a little bit more it's called the metaverse Googling Tony. Yeah you do a lot of VR?

Nah. All right geez. I love that. What do you do for fun?

For fun I send karaoke to myself at home into my own computer. Really? You pretty much do everything on computers. Do you ever do anything social?

Tim you ever go out and do something for fun? I'll let you know if I think of something but so far now. What the fuck are you? I just sit around a computer with your bad attitude all day.

Yep I'm a weirdo. Ryan Joseph says hi by the way he told me to say that. I love it very good. That's gonna.

Are you ticklish? He's definitely ticklish without a doubt. What's your love lifelike? Are you just an in-sull during your stand up or?

I'm pretty good. I got a good dick. I'm not afraid to say that. I don't do cock comedy where I pretend I don't know how to fuck people.

Okay okay so. I don't know what I'm doing. I mean I don't know if you know this but Hans is one for four and uh. If you're saying he does cock comedy I'm gonna have him come out of your knee.

You're pussy dude. Because when he makes you come in front of all these people you're gonna be pissed. Brian Simpson. I figured it out dude.

He's the anti-hans. It is. He's the opposite of Hans. He's not like a bull.

He's. Yeah. His jokes aren't like connected with everybody. No it's just it's just a it's just a five you know that.

Yeah. Exactly dude. He's Hans is venom. Yeah he cancels he's Hans Mr.

Blast. Yeah. Hans Tim. Nine years of nothing at least I got a Tesla I get jerk off in.

All right so we got it down to what's your other car. One's a Tesla and then you have a gas powered car. Me outta. Okay.

Little something more your size. You know what I mean? I love how long you've been doing comedy for? Nine years.

Nine years. Yup. Here in Austin. In Chicago.

Okay. How long have you been in Texas? About nine months. Nine months.

What do you love about it? The guns. Yeah it's fun right? Yup.

It is fun. You ever go to the range? Yeah. Okay.

All right. Yeah. I'm not going to use them. I just like buying them and waving them at people in traffic.

That's a right. That's beautiful. I like that. So you shoot guns sometimes.

That's something that you do outside of the house. Once. Okay. One time you went to the gun range.

How about on your computer for fun? What's the most fun thing that you do on the internet? You mentioned the dark web. You've made money on that imaginary money that I don't really believe in.

But I guess you're rich from it. Yeah. I put businesses together. I mean you know I paid I have to pay a shitload in capital gains tax.

And that's boring. I'm a Jew so I know about accounting. Oh. I know about deprecation.

Have you ever combined CBD with NFT yet? NFT is too gold for that ship. But anyway I had fun. I'm not too old for this shit.

What do you have Jewish parents? What do they think about your lifestyle? They don't really talk to me much. That's why I do this.

I think they called me once since I moved here. And I, uh, it feels bad. Is your Jewish father proud of you though for getting rich? He says occasionally.

Yeah. Okay. It's okay. You're doing okay.

Right. That's it. Right. You're picking up Dogecoin.

He's picking up actual coins. Whatever. Okay. Well I did that one out.

I didn't realize that we were performing at a Jewish fundraiser here today. Uh, that was a Jewish dad picking up. All right. What's the longest set you've ever done?

15. Uh, if you went to five minutes on my show Thursday. If you're right. Whoa.

Look at that. You just got booked on a real live show. And you get one of these super cool joke books as well. Fun.

Yeah. There he goes. Tim.com everybody. We're going to keep it moving along.

Let's get one out of the bucket here. Another one. Hey, hey, hey. Make some noise for Ann.

Win everybody or Ari. Win. Ari or Ann could be either one. N-G-U-Y-E-N is that last name.

N-G-U-Y-E-N. All right. Here she comes. Everybody make some noise for Ari.

Win. Asian American Pacific Islander Heritage Month. Just sounds like a stranger trying to guess my ethnicity. Yeah.

I'm the opposite of Hans. Okay. I'm, um, I think we should just call it Chinese Heritage Month. So that all the racist people know what's going on.

You know, like I just thought they were all oriental. Um. I am Vietnamese. I know you can tell by my form.

Mostly. Mostly because I'm built like a lower case to Moen. I look like Leylo, okay. She was to dabble in psychedelics and maybe been to jail a few times.

Um, allegedly there was a high demand for unvaccinated sperm. But I don't know what the issue is because I've had a bunch of vaccinated sperm and I'm perfectly fine. I'm vaccinated through a third party. Wow.

Look at that. I was at a job interview and they were like, they were like, are you vaccinated? Oh, is my time up? There you go.

And then what'd you say after the vaccinated thing? Oh, and I said yes, I'm vaccinated through Johnson and Jonathan. Wow. Incredible.

Look at that. Ari, win. Am I saying that right? And win.

Yes, sir. Ari. And I have that right. Yes, you do.

Yes, you do have a handwriting and win. Okay. Welcome. I like your style.

You're like the Vietnamese lizzo. Gizzo. I do got that juice. So.

Jake Shields. What do you think about this young lady? I think this is gonna be Hans' next girlfriend. Oh shit.

You like Asian guys? You seem like the kind of lady that might be into more of a Brian Simpson type. I mean, we are built the same, so. How dare you?

I love that. Welcome to the show, and how long have you been doing stand-up? Um, two years. Two years.

Where at? Mostly in Dallas. Okay. And your first half of your set didn't really make much sense.

What were you saying about the Chinese people exactly? Just so that I understand and we know exactly what to edit out. Because I'm just kidding. We don't ever edit anything.

Because, you know, Asian American Pacific Islander, that's too complicated. We should just generalize all Asians as Chinese. You know white people already do that, right? When you guys aren't around.

There you go. Very, very cool. When you live in Dallas, be at the means. Yes.

Okay. What do you do for work? I'm a beautician. Whoa.

It's not red, man. Put away the Asian instruments. We know that that is an Asian stereotype to be a beautician. You don't have to hit every string on the Asian guitar.

Okay, Doki. All right. A beautician. Now what kind of beautifying are you doing?

Um, hairstyling and makeup. Okay. Hair styling and makeup. And you have the hairstyle of the type of woman that would protest outside of a Joe Rogan show.

Do you ever protest anything? Have you ever marched for any rights or anything like that? No. Yes, Brian.

She's definitely sold her food stamps to people outside. I don't know. Looks like she's been using those. Yeah.

Oh. Actually, I'll start to race. I haven't been doing that. I love your pants.

Is that the beginning of Simpsons right there? The Simpsons. The clouds. It's a big background.

I love that. What do you do for fun, Ann? I just, I don't know. I like to read.

Okay. I like to do comedy. What do you like to read? What's the last thing that you read?

The Caballion. What is it? The Caballion. What is that?

By three initiates. Whoa, tell us more. Little did I know that we would gather around the campfire to learn world lessons. It's on the Hermetics.

Okay. Like a philosophy type of book. Okay. So what did you learn from that?

Mm, honestly, everything's kind of the same. Hell yeah. This is why I don't believe in reading. I can give you one.

Do you want a reading? What's your love life like? I'm pretty single. Yeah.

What do you usually say? Like what's your dating life? Like do you like, are you on apps and stuff like that? No, I'm celibate.

Really? Yeah. Really? Yeah.

For how long? How long have you been celibate for? You look like a kind of girl that's been celibate for like 24 minutes. No!

Yeah. Um, since like the fall, since November? Ah, the fall. Yeah.

Oh, yes, the fall. Ryan. What the fuck was pretty single made? Yep.

What do you mean? That's not what you're saying. You're kind of single. Oh, uh, no, I'm totally single.

Totally single. I'm available. But you don't go on dates. Not really.

Why is that? Men just don't really intrigue me that much. Do women intrigue you? No.

You're never. I've been feeling pretty asexual. Really? Yeah.

Okay. All right. I don't believe her for some reason, right? Yeah.

No, I don't either. Yeah, no. No, I don't. The panel agrees on this one.

We all think that you're living a secret double life. All right. Wait a second. Do you think your Vietnamese parents are going to watch this show and that you don't want them to know that you're hanging out with, uh, Black people?

Probably not. Ah, I see, I see. What does your dad do? My parents owned an Al Salon.

Oh, wow. You can just play it as long as you want now. That's okay. Okay.

Okay. Wow. So it runs in the family. Okay.

Your dad fight in the Vietnamese War at all? No, my grandfather did. Which side? For America.

Very good. Okay. Just making sure. Just checking that off my list.

Like sometimes I have an earpiece in and sometimes government officials ask me to, uh, anyway. Any special skills or talents that you have, you seem like the kind of girl that knows how to like juggle while skateboarding or something. We're like that, right? Um, I can like, I can eat fire.

Really? You can eat fire? Wow. Wow.

Uh, okay. Does anybody have any fire that she can eat? Wow. No, don't do it.

Don't do it. By the way, that's just her way of saying she likes buffalo wings. I love them. I like it.

Uh, so all right. Wait, why do you know how do you do that? Like, were you just bored and like, I'm not ready to lick fires? Yeah.

I was just going through something and looked up a class and went to the class. Oh, you went to a fire eating class. Wow. And they taught you how do you do that?

Well, you have a torch, a metal torch. You dip in the liquid and uh, you suck into the torch and then you blow it and fire comes out your mouth. And then you can just eat the torch. Okay.

All right. Like the fire off the torch. You're making Red Man very hungry right now. That's exciting.

I'm just thinking about those blow jobs. They're pretty probably dry, right? They're probably fired in. All right.

There she goes. And win everybody here. And take a choke bug. There she goes.

The great and win. Follow her. I can't read her handwriting. You guys want to do something fun, huh?

How many of you have been listening to the show for a long time? Wow. That's a lot of you. Well, you're in for a special treat about six months ago.

One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show retired because he was uh, he's suffering from a debilitating disease known as ALS. Lou Gehrig's disease, which slowly kills everybody that uh, has it. And then somehow in a miracle situation, just a few weeks ago, he came out of retirement. He's here.

He's back again. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the great Michael Lehrer everybody. And there seems to be some confusion. Guys, one more time for Michael Lehrer.

Shut up. From darkness comes like, I see a future where you clean with the war. But I would say see a future where you're cleaning soldiers, party so hard after winning, having them die of family and low points. Now, today is texting because Michael Lehrer is a comedy business.

That's a good day for me, especially can you imagine what I can write off for depreciation? Hey, hey, hi, skim. When he goes down to this girl, he says, let me see how that's wasabi. Yo, that last take represents the melting part of America.

Well, I do not believe she's asexual because even with paints like that, if you're asexual, I try to set it off. All right, it's time for me to set it off. Michael, for the second week in a row handed me a piece of paper before tonight's show. Very high production value that Michael adds.

I'm going to read it. First of all, there's an extra Michael Lehrer bio, gold medalist at the Improv Olympics, coached by Sharna Halpern and inventor of Improv, and now it is time for the Improv event. Or as he calls it in a letter in what's that called? Italics.

Loco of promotion. If Michael Lehrer wasn't a legendary comedian, he'd be a sellout advertising executive coming up with ads, jingles, and slogans. In a second, I'm going to come you. I'm just going to read this.

You know my nurse types that. In a second, I'm going to come you, our audience for suggestions of brand names. Okay, I'm going to come to you, our audience for suggestions of brand names, products, stores, you name it. And Michael will instantly show us why he was never allowed to work in advertising.

So this is very, very exciting. Okay, someone already yelled out fruit loops. Here's Michael. Fruit loops.

Cuz he loves cereal and you're faggot. Oh my goodness. Oh shit. Improv guru Michael Lehrer showing us why he is a bad sellout advertising executive.

Absolutely incredible. It also says any category, state celebrities, whatever, he can be the bad at what? Hamperoid cream is coming from a guy that sounds like he needs it. I do believe it's Alex Jones up there visiting the show.

Good to hear. We're all green. Okay, name something else people. Trojan.

There you go. It says celebrities here. Anybody want to name a celebrity for Michael? Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I live waste and then I win the fifth biggest economy in the world. And then I got my high skipper pregnant. He did. He got his housekeeper pregnant is what he said there.

You know more products brand names. I'm not anything like Clorox or. Yeah, name my name a brand or a company. Gerber.

That's a good one. Gerber because if baby will eat anything. Oh shit. Yeah, that's amazing.

I just may I interrupt? Yeah. Yeah. One, I love to see OJ since his kid's doing so good.

He's our OJ since. You know, and I'm. Texas is an SJW like me. He believes six with the state be able to keep him with him against six.

Frequently Asked Questions

How long is this episode of KILL TONY?

This episode is 1 hour and 44 minutes long.

When was this KILL TONY episode published?

This episode was published on May 9, 2022.

What is this episode about?

Jake Shields, Brian Simpson, Michael Lehrer, Eliis Aych, William Montgomery, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Joe White, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 04/18/2022Follow Tony:...

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