Hey, this is Red Man and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on Tordace and come see us live, every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road.
And we always have comedy shows also. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tordace. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv.
Ryan J. Ebel, he is the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints. Of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJ.Ebel.com.
And last but not least, TonyHinchCliff.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Come to your letter from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get out of my car!
Austin, you're the number one live podcast in the world. Are we ready to do this shit tonight or what? Who's the hammer-brine Red Man? Hi guys!
I invented podcasting over a decade ago. Now I'm gonna hand for the band everybody. There it is, the screwball peanut butter whiskey Kill Tony band. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on drums everybody.
And Dave Sheer filling in on guitar tonight. Look at this guy. Look at that. And of course, that's the great D-Manness on the bass guitar.
Wow. This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, Red Bull, White Claw, and the W Hotel. Where right now you can save 25% on a Sunday or Monday night by using the promo code KillTony at Austin's own. Very nice W Hotel.
And here's a little bit more about the other amazing sponsors that make tonight's episode available for you right now. Hey y'all! Indeed it is Tony Hinchcliffe here telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand up comedy, lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me all around the country. We're back at it.
Salt Lake City May 20th and 21st, Buffalo June 10th and 11th. Atlantic City New Jersey June 24th and 25th. Tampa, Florida July 15th and 16th Houston, Texas July 28th, 29th and the 30th Dallas, Texas the 12th and 13th of August and August 26th and 27th San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee making my long way to return September 29th, 30th and October 1st.
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Every single episode I've wanted to with the funniest comedians in the world. I absolutely fucking love these guys. It's always great when some of our New York brothers make it here to Austin and we get to show them the kind of wild fun that we've been having here on Mondays in Texas. This is a very special one, very funny episode coming at you.
These guys are the hosts of my favorite podcast out there, the RU Garbage Podcast. Make some noise for Kevin Ryan and H. Foley everybody. What?
Oh hell yes, absolutely. Fuck yeah, Kevin Ryan, H. Foley. We're here.
Fuck yeah, welcome guys. This is awesome. This is your first time. Holy shit, yes, on kill.
That was ice cream. We have a bucket of ice cream coming at you. Kevin Ryan comedy at BullyGrams, the RU Garbage Podcast which I've done multiple episodes. It's very, very rare for me to do a New Yorkers podcast.
Normally I just say that I'm busy with it. But when you guys ask me, I always do it. We love you man, thank you. Oh yeah, which Tony Garbage?
Do you guys? Oh yeah, for sure dude. I'm about to... He got money and bought a Corvette.
That's trash. You haven't even seen my new Corvette. I traded in that fucking shitty 2019. Got the Barbie car.
Oh yeah. I literally have 80% of my net worth tied up with this Corvette right now. That's new money trash made here baby. We're gonna have fun tonight.
Sure guys this first time here. A bunch of people signed up for this bucket. It's crazy. I'm gonna get pulled in A-Mond.
Somebody comes up here and tries to do Santa Comedy. Sometimes it's a great local comedian. Sometimes it's a brand new first time ever. Somebody fucking trying.
Everything good over there? You guys good? This guy, the legis here in the corner? You guys okay?
Fucking sex in the shitty over here? What's going on? You guys all right? You see the microphone?
You're at a big kid show tonight ladies. I know you're not here to see your fucking divorcee friends fucking. So just pike down over there because everybody can hear you because your voices are loud and fucking annoying. You know what I'm talking about?
Plain ass fucking Westlake fucking mother is hired the babysitter. A bunch of fucking... Someone drove their Porsche Cayenne here tonight. He's fucking...
I know what's going on over here. Some of those mountain cougars. You know what I'm talking about? All right.
I pull their name out. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.
And then I ask them a bunch of questions about their life. We all make fun and have fun and figure out what makes them special and tick. Are you guys ready to start the fucking show or what? Let's go!
Goddamn right. Well let's start it with something special. Let's start it with one of our favorite regulars in the history of the entire show. Ladies and gentlemen, I just did two arenas with this man in the past two weeks.
He performed in front of 15,000 people on Wednesday night. He was sleeping in his van two months ago. He's been a Kill Tony regular for four or five months and he's just getting bigger and bigger and better and better. Here with a brand new minute, this is Hans Camp.
Hey, what's up guys? I love the ladies. I think they're very sexy. I don't understand how my body's reaction to a woman was evolutionary, evolutionarily beneficial.
You know, my body sees the beautiful ladies like, oh, why don't you just stare at her for 30 minutes. Show her how good you are at stalking deer. Oh, you're talking to her? Why don't you start sweating profusely?
Show her that you can get wet too. Just start stuttering uncontrollably. Show her how fast your tongue can move, buddy. My friend is really into skinny chicks, which I don't understand because unless there is of a person, the more he's into her.
You know, maybe he'd be happy with nothing, the ultimate skinny person. But I'm in a relationship now. I can tell because I get turned on whenever I hear a woman tell someone to wash their hands. I'm like, oh shit, someone's about to get finger blasted at this subway right now.
Thank you guys very much. Hans Camp, with a brand new minute. Not easy to do, especially when you're out on the road taking private jets all around the country. I have a lot of motivation to write better jokes now.
Indeed. How's it been going for you, Hans? It's been great. I recently went to Fort Worth, you know, a couple of ladies DM'ed me, but...
Whoa. I'm listening. Then what happened? I didn't respond.
Ah. Playing it cool, I see. I was like, I gotta hang out with Joe Rogan, sorry. Right.
But you didn't say that. No, I just thought that. He probably did that. Yeah.
I'm sorry, I have to hang out with Joe Rogan, can't meet up. I love it. Okay, Hans. So, tell us more.
What else this week? Are you still with that girlfriend ears? Yeah. How's that going?
She's great. I made her squirt last week. Whoa. That's a first, right?
It felt great. Wow. Okay. Where were you during this?
What room were you in? The same room. Same room. What did you do?
What was your method? We want to know. We had a little fight before that. I always get it ready.
She was angrily drinking PEDO light in the corner. You bitch. What were you guys fighting about? I didn't want to go to a karaoke bar and then we went anyways and I was kind of being a little bit of a bummer.
She was like, okay fine, let's go. We talked about it. It's not fair that you were such a dick. Sorry.
We should have stayed. I didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave. We started having make-up sex.
She squirted all over my buttock. All over your buttock? Did you say buttock? I think you got threw up on.
You could cross this one off of this. Explain to everybody because I'm positive there's not a single person in this room that knows this is a real forensic file shit. How do you know that she squirted on your buttock? He was getting pegged for sure.
It was a dude the whole time. That was why I didn't shit my pants. I was on the bottom. She was riding me and she was wearing a skirt.
That's pretty fucking cool. It was all contained. It was like a sneeze guard. So she's wearing a skirt.
She's riding a hat. You can squirt and put your cone on. These are new sheets. How long was this entire interaction?
We had sex like two times that night. That's pretty good. She came like four times. What?
That's a lie. We're talking about exactly this squirt though. This is the highlight. This is your first time making your girl squirt.
Did she ever squirt before? No. Really? Virgin squirt her?
Well with you. No, but she told you she's never done that before? No, she told me she was a squirt her and I was like, I haven't seen evidence. Ah, yeah, it's tough.
And then it happened. Turned a Colombo. I need some evidence on this. So she's riding you.
She's wearing a skirt. Anything else? What are you wearing? I'm very slack.
I'm completely naked. No socks. No socks. I take it off because I feel like she's my girlfriend.
I want to give her the full experience. There you go. Right. PIP service.
I like it. Yeah. Toes out, hoes out. Okay.
So does she make a specific noise when she squirts or anything like that? How did you know other than was she saying like, oh my God, I'm going to squirt like something like that. And she was like, I'm squirting. I'm sorry.
Okay. So she says I'm squirting. What goes through your mind when you hear this? I'm like, oh, this is kind of hot.
It's kind of nasty, but kind of hot. Right. Because you're a bit of a germaphobe. We've heard that we once got a blowjob in the janitor's closet here at Vulcan and he really put on a condom.
This guy fucking parties. He put on a condom for the blowjob. What? Holy shit.
Listen to the ruckus. These are my people. That's insane dude. You're goddamn right.
That's the noise you make for a blowjob with a condom. What did she, I'm sure you went over this. No, go ahead. What did she say when you pulled out a condom?
We were having sex and then she transitioned from sex to a blowjob. Oh, okay. I did rip that off like the shoot, bro. You hit me?
Pull that cord. Condoms for a blowjob. What are you in the army? What the fuck?
It's going port to port over here. Dude, that shit in the Singapore, man. That's an 80 move right there. But it makes more sense from intercourse to the blowjob.
Of course. No doubt. It'd be wild if she'd come up with your pants. You're like one second, please.
Have you done that before? Why do I have that in my head that you're a blowjob condom guy? No, that was the first time I received a condom with a blowjob. Okay.
I think that's an Asian thing, right? Most massage parlors that make you put a condom on the floor. I think the Asians, I think they like to put a mask over it. Get the blowjob.
Be careful with my Asian jokes. Next month, the one year anniversary, by the way. Just realize this week that we're a month away from the one year anniversary party of my cancellation. How exciting.
I'm just sorry it happened to you, Tony. Can you believe it? What do you think about Asian hate Tony Hinchcliffe? Can you imagine Hans?
No. You show me the most Asian love ever. Thank you. I don't know why you had to.
What's going on in that private jet? That's what I want to know. That sounds like you touched you. That's true.
Demen is shedding a tear for what's happening here. All right, Hans. Well, you did it again. Another brand new minute.
Very much fun talking with you. Congratulations on your first squirting. Thank you, buddy. Thank you guys.
Wait a minute. Go. Into the bucket. My hand goes.
This is the first. We're going to meet somebody. Perhaps it's their very first time ever in front of an audience before. Sometimes it's fucking somebody great.
Sometimes it sucks. Let's find out what's going to happen here. To get the show started tonight. It's 60 seconds from Phil Overbatt.
Phil Overbatt. Coming from the far corner of the room. Here he comes, everybody. Not an easy position, following Hans.
So make some noise for him. Here he is. Phil Overbatt. Ooh, hey.
How's it going? Nice. Hell yeah. There's a new serial killer in New York that only kills homeless people.
Finally. I mean, I'm from San Diego, man. Can we get one of those? Just saying, dude.
Easy. Now the police are trying to catch this guy or something. I think giving an award, I'm not sure. But he seems pretty cool.
Nice. It's funny because I was running these jokes about homeless people for a while. The next thing I was homeless. It's not that bad.
It's not that bad. I was one of these feral homeless. You see out on the street. I was like an indoor outdoor homeless.
Technically I'm homeless, but you can trust me. You trust me. Not to piss on your couch. We're cool.
Man. It was funny because I was just crashing with friends. I'll leave that in. You want to finish it?
Oh, yeah. I was just crashing with people for the most part. I was looking up with this one girl. She's like, oh, you're not just using me for sex, are you?
Right now I'm using you for a bet. Absolutely. I got you. That's good jokes.
Welcome to the show, Phil. How are you? I'm not too bad. How's it going?
I'm good. How long have you been on standup? About three years. Three years.
All of it here in Austin, Texas. I'm based in San Diego right now. I'm just doing the route with some buddies and then we swung through. Very nice.
Very cool. You and your buddies came here and signed up. Yeah. Why not?
Absolutely. Right. Yeah. What do you do for work, Phil?
I'm a bartender and a kayak guy. Al-gah-ha-ha. Al-gah-ha-ha. Hell yeah.
Kayak guy. Oh my goodness. Nothing more exciting than being stuck on a kayak with fucking Baron Trumbo over here. Big tall oaky ass motherfucker.
You are. Play basketball? No, I was a swimmer. Whoa.
Hell yeah. Good luck with you, Thomas. I love it. I love it.
She puts the meat in the swim meat. Ew. Oh god damn. You're a swimmer.
Is that why you shave your eyebrows? No, I'm just going to do it. There you go. Red bands wanted to do that joke for two minutes.
Just shoe warning it in there. Hey guys. It's for the eyebrows. Anyway, I love it.
What do you do for fun, Phil? You know, you do the bartenders have wild nightlights. We know what the restaurant industry is like. Yeah, well same shit they all do, fuck each other and do drugs.
Right. What kind of drugs are we talking about, Phil? I'm more average. I don't smoke weed, surprisingly.
I don't know. Real scared, but I know occasional blow or something here and there. Not too much. The occasional blow.
Do you put a condom on when you do blow? Ah man. Only when I poof it. I love it.
What else about you, Phil? Tell us more about your life. What makes you special? I'm retarded.
I don't want to say anything. I know. You don't say. I grew up in Utah, which is not a lot of comics to have I guess.
No, no, no. I don't know. I'm not a stupid guy. Not far, it's fun.
Big ocean guy. How do you do this shit with no money? This is crazy. Oh, he's like, has the richest hobbies ever.
He's like, I hung out from time to time, you know. You walk in white like this and there's like, here's this shit. You have rich parents, Phil. You seem like you could be a rich kid.
No, I was poor shit. Really? Yeah. How poor?
What are we talking about? What's mom and dad's life like? I only have two yachs. What was it?
Yeah. My dad's always done all right, but I grew up like an apartment and some food stamps here and there and other things. Shut the fuck up. There's not even really food.
25. 25 years old. And you grew up in an apartment with your mom? Yeah, in four siblings.
And she was like, she was like, wow. What did dad do for a living? He said dad did good. He was like sales and stuff.
He was an airborne ranger for a while and then got out and went into sales and shit. And what did your mom do? She's a teacher. Okay, you were on food stamps.
Just all check it out now. That's the American dream to go from food stamps to fucking scuba diving. That's crazy. That's true.
Were you guys' Mormons? My family was Mormon until I was five and my parents got split and we're like, fuck the rules, let's get drunk. Wow. Is that what happened?
Did they start heavily drinking your parents? You're the most, you literally have the dumbest laugh I've ever heard in an entire life. I hung out with a lot of special needs, comedians and people. And like there's something about your fucking laugh.
I don't think you've ever been scuba diving. I'm not sure about the kayak I can take either. I'm curious how many homeless people have you killed? That's what I would like to know.
I feel like when he's scuba diving, he still does that stupid laugh. He's laughing with the dolphin. Above water. You just hear a bloop bloop bloop bloop bloop.
That's Phil down there. That's our job buddy. I'm glad you said it. Phil, what's the worst experience you've ever had on a comedy stage?
On a comedy stage? Yeah. About nine months I just had the worst bomb in my life. Everyone was staring at you and nobody was talking at all.
It was like a ten minute set. I didn't even have material just panics. I looked over the comics. They can't help you.
What joke were you guys doing? You remember a joke that you were doing at the time that bombed? A bunch of jokes at the time. How many of you want to hear one of the jokes that bombed?
Let's go. We've heard it's right to make us laugh. I want to know what bad shit it's like. I want to know how bad we can get here.
I think there's only one of the jokes that I was looking for. Go ahead. Just do that one. It's perfect.
I hate when girls call you uncle. Fuck up. Wow. I hate when the girls say please let me go.
Hell yeah. Ten minutes of that. Oh fuck my bad. Let me rewind that real quick.
I'm your uncle. Phil, I like your style. You're 25 years old. You're a young buck.
You're out here getting it a few years in. You're going to keep getting better. You lost man up right? Yeah.
Every day. There you go. All right. Great job.
Here take a big kill Tony Jugbuk with you. Great job buddy. Great. Great.
By the great bones. Nice kid. Nice kid. Okay.
Make some noise for Adam Baldy-Briles everybody. Adam Baldy-Briles. This is definitely a new name. I would remember an Adam Baldy-Briles.
Adam-Briles. Is Adam-Briles? Nope. Nothing?
Oh. Oh no. All right. That's Bobaldy.
How about Joe Bird? Joe Bird is a next on Kill Tony. A completely improvised show with people sign up. Okay.
Here he comes. Shit. Another, I believe it is his first time on the show. Make some noise for Joe Bird everyone.
All right. Oh he's got a P when I'm nervous. So my wife's got a sticker on the back of her car that says Ninja Baby on board. That's not true.
Just a regular baby. That's worse. That's worse. The district attorney dropped some death charges against my mom last week.
I feel like that's their loss. I'm pretty sure she did it. About a year ago. Oh come on.
About a year ago I was telling my dad I had a panic attack and he just had confused. I don't know what you're talking about. You're trying to tell me you're gay. Haven't heard from him since.
I'll leave it at that. I don't like that double tap. Okay. 58 seconds from Joe Bird.
He's got a good internal point on him. Welcome to the show Joe. Thank you. How are you?
You're all right. I'm nervous. Yeah, you are nervous. Is this shit?
Is this your first time doing stand up? No. Just nervous. He's the company.
Goddamn right. Absolutely. As well you should be. So welcome to the show.
How long have you been doing stand up for? Two years before COVID. Two years before COVID. Jumping back in.
Okay. Jumping back in. How many times have you been to prison? It's a couple.
One prison. One prison. What was that for? Assault.
Assault. This guy's great. He's aces and my block. Joey.
Yeah. How many times have you been to jail? More than three. More than three.
You might be one. How do you have this special skill? It's from hosting this show everybody. I can literally identify.
I'm seeing your rap sheet over your head right now. More than three less than 100? What are we at there? Yes, prison skin.
Everybody has prison skin. That's what I call it. It's a special type of sunburn that guys that have been to prison get because they appreciate being outside so much that they stay out there too long without having the preparatory mind to put on sunblock. If you're wondering, that's how I identify this man as a guy with jail time.
They love being outside. What's the swimmer? Am I right? You fell asleep under a tree recently.
Am I correct? Not recently. You fell asleep somewhere though, didn't you? I just got out of a roofing.
Outside a lot. Thank you. Sleeping on your roof. All right.
So let's talk about it, Joe. On and off stand up. You started when you were what age? How old are you?
You could be a 17 year old meth head. I would believe it. I would believe it, Joe. 33.
I liked it. Your last name is Bird because I was hoping you were going to fly away during your set. Thank you for the sound of Dr. Ed Vann.
Damn. Really brought no one out. All right. Joe, tell us about your life.
What's going on here? Why do you think you've been to jail in prison so many times? What was your childhood like? I didn't grow up with kayaks.
Right. Not a big scuba diver, I assume. Right. You got damn right.
I stole one one time, but. This is a kid that was allowed to drink as much surge as he wanted. Am I right? You remember surge?
Oh, no. Was that kick in the glass? It was like a mountain dew. It was like super short.
I know it was a green can. Yeah. I do remember it. No, I didn't grow up in a trailer part.
Okay. Where did you grow up? You just had the life of a guy that grew up in a trailer. I love it.