Hey, this is Red Man and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on Tordex, you'll come see us live.
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Tony! Aah! Austin, Texas, are you ready for the craziest fucking Monday night of your lives or what? Red Man's here, everybody.
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Indeed, it is Tony Hinchcliffe here telling you that I'm back out on tour with my standup comedy, lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me all around the country. We're back at it. Salt Lake City May 20th and 21st, Buffalo June 10th and 11th, Atlantic City, New Jersey June 24th and 25th, Tampa, Florida July 15th and 16th, Houston, Texas July 28th, 29th, and the 30th, Dallas, Texas the 12th and 13th of August, and August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee making my long awaited return September 29th, 30th and October 1st.
Excited to get back to Nashville, San Antonio, Dallas, Houston, Tampa, Atlantic City, and Buffalo and of course Salt Lake City, the home of my favorite religion all very soon. That's tickets available TonyHinchcliffe.com and we'll see y'all out there. Hey y'all. As we told you before, I'm going to say it again.
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I hope you guys like comedy because I brought two of my funniest friends in the world. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Duncan Trussell and Michael Yo. Wow. Oh, shit.
Wow. It's really them. Holy shit. Absolutely incredible.
Michael Yo is here. New stand-up comedy special out on YouTube at Michael Yo Comedy and ladies and gentlemen, this is the return of Duncan Trussell is back. Hi. Good to see you.
We're coming off an amazing weekend in Denver with our dear leader Joe Rogan. Duncan, last time you were on the show, you just kind of disappeared within the first 10 minutes. Where did you go? Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that. This is what's so funny about the internet because all these theories popped out about where did he go? Where'd he go off to? And you know where I went?
I had to pee. But I was like high and drunk, so I just didn't want to come back on stage. You guys were really high and really drunk. Alex Jones was here and I watched it all hit you at one time and uh...
It was a... I knew you weren't coming back the second I watched you go pee. But also that was the first time I've been on stage since the pandemic. So like there was a lot of like emotional stuff happening.
It was because a lot of us take for granted here in Texas exactly how much fun we got to have the entire time and when our friends from LA came to visit, took off their... Yeah, it's a blast. Crazy or shits happening in the very near future that we're all very very excited about. You guys know what the show is?
A bunch of comedians signed up to put their chance to do 60 seconds on the stage. You know their time is up in your other sound of a kitten? That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry west Hollywood bear. Which is just an allowed way to...
Very good. Thank you Red Vam for the extra volume tonight. Always good. It's always good that we're on a coordinated front.
Anyway, uh... And then I interview them and we talk more about them about their lives and find out more about them. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Awesome.
Well, there's only one way to really start a show like this as of late and that is with a guy who consistently... We have a few regulars on the show. This guy is one of those regulars for the last six to eight months or so. He's been writing and performing a brand new minute every single week.
Then he started opening for me in Rogan here at Vulcan and then he started opening for Rogan in arenas. Continuously getting more and more work. We watched him start living in a van six months ago. Now he has his own apartment.
Ladies and gentlemen, the one and only Hans Kemp. Hey! My girlfriend was like, Hans, if I got into a horrible car accident and I was just figured for the rest of my life, we just don't want to date me. I was like, wow, that's so true.
We really do need to improve highway safety. I get in trouble because I stare at women in public a lot and then private too. Because to me a beautiful woman is like a breathtaking scenic sunset that can yell at you. It's like a mountainside with pepper spray.
It's like a beach with a boyfriend. So you can't take a picture even though you kind of want to take a picture sometimes. I'm a pervert. I think it's funny that they separate snowboarding by gender because they all look like a pile of jackets.
In this pile of jackets there's a vagina so its flips are worth more. That's my time. Thank you guys. All right.
Hans Kemp showing us how comedy is done. That's my time. Such a weird art form. The giant in jackets.
Hans, you're out here just smashing. Having a blast. How's life going? It's going fantastic.
Yeah. I'm getting laid regularly. I perform at arenas. That's right.
Hang out with the best comedians in the world. Right. How many steaks did you eat this weekend, Hans? Like four.
Like four steaks everybody. It's just living that kind of life. How do you feel? How did it feel coming home and react to Austin after we did?
We just did 20,000 audience members in Denver. Me, him and Duncan did four shows. It's about a thousand people each. It was kind of sad to have to go back to my normal life but I always have the memory of us together.
That is true. One of the times in a stunning term of events I'll share this with the audience here. Some exclusive information. Oh hello.
How are you guys? Come on in. How's it going? These are some of my favorite cashiers from HGB.
Come on in. Make yourself at home. One of the Friday on our way out from the hotel to the venue. Hans was late getting to the car everybody.
He was the only one who was late. Yeah, you guys were making fun of me the whole weekend for that but that was the only time I was late. That's true because we had the security guy tell you everything after that was 15 minutes before. We actually did everything.
So instead of us meeting at 6pm for dinner we told you 545 and you were five minutes early for that. So you were 20 minutes early for everything else. That's fucked up, Hans. Yeah, dude.
We fucking bullied you bro. That's just straight up rude what I did. I would love to get bullied again. It was an honor.
Yeah. You like it. You like the punishment, don't you? Yeah.
Absolutely. You want Tony to spank you some time though. You said you're a pervert, is that true? Definitely.
Wow. What's so perverted about you? I really love the female form. You know what makes you perverted?
What? You think if you love the female form you're perverted. That's perverted. Like how is loving the female?
How is loving the female form perverted? Yeah, that's creepy to think that. That's like weird that you would think that. Like everyone, every dude loves the female form.
Yeah. I mean, what's your favorite body part of the lady? Probably the vagina. Ah, very good.
Very good. Nice. For those of you that might be new around here, Hans is autistic. So when he's honest as fuck, it's just comedy gold.
That was not a set up. That was his honest true answer. He doesn't indeed prefer the vagina over every other female. Nice.
Body part. How about second favorite female body part? I think this will tell us a lot. The ass.
Whoa, okay. All right, let's go three. What do you got for three? Probably the tits.
Okay, great. I'm glad we got these out of the way. Super predictable. So I will now ask and I think we're going to learn a lot from this.
What is your fourth favorite female body part? Uh, the navel. So weird. The navel.
The navel. The navel. That's gross. What do you do with the navel exactly, Hans?
Explain to us what you do. Do you put whipped cream in there or something? Just smooth it down and... What?
Pushing it back in. You're pushing it in? Wait a second. Hold on, you're relaxed.
You have a sander or something? What are we talking about? How do you smooth out a navel exactly? Give it a little pat.
Whoa. Wow. Look at you. A little pat, huh?
And they like that? No, not really. That's why it's number four. Nothing better than a good old rapy navel pat.
Oh my goodness. I feel like this, a clip of this is going to be on date line. Known pervert, Hans Kim. Wow, you really are a pervert.
Yeah. Your first three answers were good, but that navel's creepy as fuck. Is that what, let's just say you did murder women. If you did murder women, would you say that the navel might be the body part that you like to keep like on your wall or in your collection?
What? You have to now pick a body part to keep of the women. If you murdered women, what body part would that be? Probably the eyes.
See what I'm talking about about the honesty and autism thing? Like that was real right there. Again, we've never predesgusted any of this, ladies and gentlemen. He literally just didn't say, I will say the word he admitted.
He admitted. He had an answer loaded up. He was ready for that question. He is never getting late again.
Yeah, right. The type of girls that he foxes are already into that. They're into the danger that they might get murdered. Hans, you are a real creep as a way to we love you, dude.
You just own it. You roll with the punches. You're out here absolutely thriving. We watched you go from literally being addicted to open miking.
And you were going to all these empty clubs around the country. Literally every single night, he was addicted to open mics in front of his friends and in front of co-workers. And literally now he cannot stop getting paid to do comedy. It is incredible.
It is exactly what the show is built around and for. And nobody really has ever taken as much advantage of it as fast. And as cool as this guy has. I've been with him on these road trips.
All he does is stare at the as his jokes on a fucking spreadsheet on his phone. That's not autism. That's just being Asian, everybody. But it is incredible.
He works hard. He plays hard. How about one more time for Hans Kim? All right.
We're going to the bucket. This is where we meet someone. Perhaps it's a first time comedian. Perhaps it's a local legend.
Anything can happen here. This is where she gets a little crazy sometimes. Because anybody could sign up for this part. It could be one of these Westlake divorcees here sitting in the middle of the room.
You don't know what could happen. Bernard White is your first name out of the bucket doing 60 seconds tonight. Coming from the deep comedian section of the room. Here he comes.
Make some noise for Bernard White, everybody. Ooh, lovely steps to people over here. But Bernard White, he's not the whitest black name you've ever heard in your life. Like fuck.
But good with interviews, man. Always got interview. Walked in. Are you really Bernard?
I went to third. I'm like, no, I'm very white. That's why I told the guy. Truthfully though, man.
I changed. Truthfully though, my name is Whitey. As a bouncer and as an upstage here, you know, as a bouncer it was amazing. Because I was bouncing like, you're missing your wall and keys.
What's up? Why are you over there? Oh, I love that shit. People can walk it up to me.
Feel my keys and wallet? I'm like, say it. No, I'll say my name. I'm like, say it.
Come on. Can I please my keys and wallet? No, say my name. Fuck no.
We know there's a good crowd here. Can you guys call me Whitey? Awesome. This is a fun game.
So I'm just gonna call me a nigga. What nobody fucking raised this man. You're gonna call me Whitey. And we nigga and it would be like, perfect.
But now we're gonna get a whitey. Oh, there you go. Bernard White. That is the West Hollywood bear.
Very good. That is how that works. Red band. Self-distropping.
Right in front of our very eyes. I love it. Bernard, how are you, sir? Welcome.
Love it. Love it. Finally up here. Hell yeah.
You've been signing up for a while? Yeah, I have. Yeah, like a couple months. What?
A month. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five months now?
Okay. And you gave up, you used to be Mr. T. Am I correct?
And then you let yourself go completely? I'm his cousin. Hell yeah. Hell yeah.
I love it. So Bernard, welcome. You are by far one of the funniest Tyler Perry characters I've ever had on the show. Tell us, you've been doing it for five months.
You said, what do you do for a living? Exactly what bus do you drive around here? Well, our tired game programming is now just acts comedy and I do voice work. Oh, sweet.
Awesome. What kind of voices do you do? Most of like fantasy books and audiobooks. Okay.
Any like romantic things or anything like that? I am working on an erotic ASMR right now. So. Whoa.
Oh yeah. So what do you have to say if a voice ever wants to heal? You know? That's your sexy voice?
Yes it is. Oh shit. Okay. Darth Vader doesn't need to peek at it right now.
I love it. Okay. So what do you do for fun Bernard? Comedy.
Have sex. I mean, I'm 42. You know, I had a whole world in my free moisture, you know? I love it.
No kids. Oh, college. It's something about mustard I do believe, right? Oh, you just said it or mustard.
You have the whole world is here. Free. It's a mustard seat. Exactly.
Oyster. Oyster. Oh, okay. I love it.
Okay. Bernard, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Oh, I like writing fucked up a screen place. Oh, wow.
Okay. Any, uh, I guess I can't really ask you about that. You're not going to tell us the plot to your movie that you wrote. What else?
What else about you? Oh, yeah. I like to just tell people out. I'm a really giving person.
Okay. Can you give us an example of when you've given to somebody? I like about free joints, everybody. Oh, okay.
I'm a witness to that. I saw him hand out like 10 joints the other night to people. He talked about being nice and the Saudi Arabian cowboy got up to go to the restroom. He's a bad shit at all.
That's our buddy, right? He comes to every show. I call him Keith Turban. Works every time.
It's crazy. Wow. Bernard, has being nice to somebody ever backfired for you? Not at all.
I'm a big black man. It's jolly. No one's fucked with me. Right.
Right. Interesting. A big black man. Ever thought about playing a black Santa Claus?
Actually, that's one of my bits being Mr. T. Back Santa Claus. You know those.
I believe that makes my way. I do that fool. It's in front of my hoho hos. Wow.
I'm going to kill myself for you. I like that joke so much. I'm going to kill myself. Wow.
Bernard, there you thank you. That's the sound of me killing myself. 14 seconds after I made a joke about it. So Bernard, you talked about having sexual relations with women.
Can you tell us some more about this? What type of... Where are you finding these lovely, what I'm guessing of voluptuous ladies at? Well, what does it say like, I like to smoke?
They like to smoke. They like to smoke. We get together. Like in a holding wall.
Right. You talking about glory holes? That's my private life, sir. Oh shit.
Look out. Holes in the walls. So like, let's say there's a girl sitting at a bar that you fancy. Is there a type of woman that you prefer?
I like bigons. Bigons? How about a skin color? Are we talking...
I like everything. Everything's fine. The best is like, have some more in half Japanese. Oh.
Whoa. Are you talking about your favorite sushi restaurants? What are we talking about? Lesions.
The Miseau. All right, Bernard. Interesting. So you see a girl sitting at a bar.
What's your big pickup line? What's your opening line to a girl? Hey, so no. Whoa.
So you're really you lean into the marijuana. You're like Mr. THC. Anything?
That's how good we... There it is. Sometimes it needs to cook for a few minutes. Thank you.
Thank you, Bishop. Hell yeah. All right. The band's happy too.
Okay. Very good. Why are we able to do this? Fuck yeah.
All right. Well, what else? You started here in Austin, correct? Yes.
Same for three years. You've lived here for three years. We're going for 33 years. 33 years.
Holy shit. So you spent like 10 years somewhere else. Yes. In Bonham, Germany.
Whoa. You were born in Germany. Yep. Wow.
This is good. Good. German and Ergen. Wow.
That is incredible. You're German. That's actually you remind me one of my favorite cakes. I don't know if you've ever had German chocolate.
It is my favorite. And it's a real thing. The Asians seem confused about this one. German chocolate is when there's coconut on the outside of a chocolate.
They're looking the other direction. Literally. These people might hate me. Is that David Flores?
David. Hello. How are you? He's very angry right now.
I know you. He can't be mad. All right. That Asian girl hates you.
Yeah. She really hates you. Blink twice if you speak English. She's laughing.
She's laughing at that one. OK. All right. Very good.
Bernard, so much fun to meet you. I love having people of all different shapes and sizes up here. And you are both. We're going to give you a joke book.
Congratulations. Five months in the game. Bernard White, everybody. There you go.
That's a phone sign. Handmade. Texas leather. Joke book.
We're going to pull another name out of this bucket here. See what happens here. All right. Make some noise for Jay Valdez, everybody.
Jay Valdez is next. On Kiltoni. Here he comes. He has a steady jog.
One more time for Jay Valdez, everyone. What's up, book? Hey. Hell yeah, guys.
If you couldn't tell, I used to be a collegiate athlete. Thank you. Your silence does wonders for my self-esteem and reptile dysfunction. I appreciate it.
Sir, what sport did I play in college? If you say, oh my god, you said soccer. Find me later on. Sir, what sport did I play?
Oh my god. You guys are nothing but jokes today. No. I played tennis.
Hell yeah. I was a team's drug dealer. And I don't know if you guys have ever seen a koked up tennis player before. Just.
Fuck that tie. Try again. Let's get it going. Good game.
Good game. Good game. Good game. Why guys will play anything up their nose if you crush it?
Thank you. Yikes. Jay Valdez has arrived to Kiltoni. Wow.
Holy shit. So they let you Mexicans get as much riddle in as you want, huh? Because like the prescription policies down there are just out of control. If you are, if Adderall was a human.
I mean, this is incredible. The chain that matches the bracelet. Oh my god. All on Wish.
All on Wish.com. Wow. Incredible. Wish.com.
Oh my god. You're something else, dude. Where the fuck are you from? What East Coast fucking.
What part of Northern Connecticut slash Southern Maine are you from exactly? How far off am I? I am from the third coast. San Antonio.
Oh wow. This is the rare case in which a Latino man has a vitamin D deficiency on the show. It's almost never happens. It's very hard to find.
It's like finding a leprechaun, a pale Mexican. Jesus, how about you avoid the sun? What is this? What, how do you even do that?
How do you stay that skin tone? It's a talent, really? It's a what? It's a talent.
A what? It's genetics. Oh. What?
What are your parents? Where are they? What are they? But then I'm going to ask where are they?
Because I feel like your inner psychology just made you want to ask them. They're both Mexican. They pass all the prerequisites. They what?
They pass all the prerequisites, the slintas, the hygium. You know. Okay. Very good.
You're still bombing, Jay. For those of you keeping track, he's bombing. Even though Cet's old Pico 60 seconds, he's been bombing for exactly three minutes and seven seconds. It is incredible.
It might be a record. So Jay, how long have you been doing stand up? Since January. Since January.
And what made you want to start something like this? That is completely, totally out of your natural wheelhouse. I was a paramedic for 10 years and said, fuck that. Whoa.
Okay. A paramedic. Now what made you finally give up on being a paramedic? What was the last straw?
Was there a specific moment where you're scooping somebody's brains off the highway? Or something, right? It seems like there must be a moment in which you're like, I can't do this. It sure was.
It was a moment when an over-privileged white boy threw up all over my shoes. That's it? Yeah. It was the last straw.
All the other things were easy either. One of the shootings, it was the vomit from the white guy. Wow. Was it specifically because it was white?
What if it was a black guy? No, no, no. They don't throw up the cold liquor. Wow.
Damn. Very, very interesting. Dematiness is cracking up right now. Some type of maniacal laugh like he has never thrown up in his entire life.
He just tried to give him fists. Oh, no. Jay. How many of you think we should light Jay on fire right now, everybody?
The people have spoken, Jay. People have spoken. Are you? Do you see black people throw up, he just said?
Incredible. Are you rolling up? Are you making your own noose there with a cord? Is that what's happening here?
Just that. If you want to, we can throw it up there. We can have the first hanging on kiltoni. It could be a thing.
And it's probably better than lighting yourself on fire, which the crowd voted is what they want to do in this situation. I'll finally get a tan then. What? If you like no fire, I'll get a little tan then.
A little tan. So what exactly time are we on here? Yes. Five minutes and 14 seconds of straight silent bombing, everybody just.
Quiet and good. Wait, I have to say, don't you think the coked up tennis player? Like if you remove the setup, no setup. Forgive the set up, but just the physical comedy by itself.
With a better setup. No. No. Oh my god.
Duncan, you're so fucking funny. You know what? I want to see it. No setup.
No setup. I'm going to bring you up again. We want you to just do the act out. No setup.
Don't say anything. Ready? All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's for Jay about this, everybody. Here we go.
Okay, I got the setup. It actually works. Oh, what's the setup? The setup is, uh, my grandfather was a famous tennis player, but he has Parkinson's disease.
It's what it looks like. Jay, you are truly one of the worst we've ever had. In a show where anyone can sign up, it's incredible. But you know what?
You started in January. Anything is possible. Duncan and I were talking about how we basically, I mean, we did. We both started at the comedy store.
And it's, uh, you know, it's the hardest art form in the world. And, um, you know, we wish you the best of luck. What kind of segway is this? What am I supposed to have a chance?
There's nothing anybody can do to make him funny. Maybe some sunlight. It'll bring out like the fight. You need vitamins.
I've never recommended anybody vitamins before, but some people need to pick me up. Some people need to work out. I think you need a good daily multi-vitamin. You can start with a chewable, you know, use your way into it and then by the time you run out of those chewables, you'll be ready for the pill form of like a...
All right. I prefer the gummies. Okay, there you go. And that seals it.
Seven minutes and 39 seconds. Jay Valdez, everybody, there he goes. Jay, take one of these little joke books. That's made by the great Bonsai.