Hey, this is Ray Ban, and if you are listening to Kill Tony, check out our website, deathswad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, we come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Balkan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road.
We always have comedy shows also. So the Dezswad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is Shopswad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, Dezswad shirt, Tats, everything at Shopswad.tv.
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Don't forget to click on everything, Golden Pony, and now he has a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Ray Ban, come here live for fucking gas company here in Austin, Texas. We're going to be talking about it! That's my...
Austin, Texas, are you ready to have the best goddamn Monday Night of Your Lives or What? Yeah, how do I hand for Ray Ban? Everybody, right? All right, my partner in crime.
Think I saw that hand for the ban, huh? This is Kill Tony brought to you by the red rose and the yellow rose, and that is the Kill Tony band brought to you by Delicious Screwball. Can you know about whiskey? Basically, it's from Michael Gonzalez on the drums.
That's John Deez on the keys. This is Matt Muleing on guitar, and that's my good friend, Dee Madness, on the bass right there. I'm going to talk about you by Red Bull, and of course the W Hotel, we're now using the Pro on the Sunday or Monday Night. All right, we're back at it.
It's all Lake City, May 21, Buffalo June 10, 11. It's Laniac City, New Jersey, June 24, 25. Tampa, Florida, July 15, and 16, Houston, Texas, July 28, 29, and the 30th Dallas Texas, the 12th and 13th of August, and August 26, and 27, San Antonio, Texas. National Tennessee, making my long way to return September 29, 30th, and October 1.
National San Antonio, Dallas, Houston, Tampa, Atlantic City, and Buffalo, and of course, it's all Lake City, the home of my favorite religion. All very soon. That's tickets available at TonyHinchcliff.com, and we'll see you out there. The biggest clouds, the coldest smoke, the smoothest experience.
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Shop today. Your throat and lungs will thank you. Are you guys ready to start tonight, show? Well, well, well.
You guys are in first, but oh wait a second, how can I forget to mention this is one of the rare times which is a great Ryan J. Keelton's ear. The official artist of the show since its inception, every single four poster, every single print, every single episode he draws, all the way from Los Angeles, California, he's originally a Texan and he's back. Speaking of a Texan, ladies and gentlemen, tonight's guest, in icon here in Austin, Texas, and around the world, one of my coolest friends, one of my best friends, one of my favorite musicians, Austin's own Gary Clark Jr.
Wow, what? Where are we on a Monday? Oh wow. Oh wow.
Wow. Doesn't get much cooler than this, people. The great, the powerful Gary Clark Jr. is here everybody.
Yeah, yeah. I don't know what I'm doing here, the people. It's kind of strange, right? It's a pleasure.
Gary gets it. He's a fucking comedy fan. He's a big kill-tony fan. He's been following the show forever.
We're going to have fun. And you guys know how works. Gary knows how works. I pull out your names out of a bucket.
They do 60 seconds on the stage. You know they're time to stop when you're on the sound of a kitten. That means they have to bring it up and bring it up and bring it up. And they're all looking to bring out the angry West Hollywood fans.
Which basically is just loud in the interrupts. They're set because they can't go any longer because they have to do a minute of stand-up comedy. And then I interview them afterwards and we find out more about them. It's a big life crazy improvised talent show.
You guys get it? How about you in the balcony? Do you guys understand what's happening here? So, to start tonight's show, instead of pulling in on the bucket, we start to start with somebody who's ultra-consistent, who comes out and sets a goddamn standard for how it's done.
Oh, by the way, how can I forget? This is very special. This is the one-year anniversary episode since my cancellation, everybody. So, thank you.
Thank you very much. It's a good time for me to remind everybody that he can meet him going up first and I have a brand new minute. One of my favorite human beings in the world. Once I came back here from being canceled, I need him a regular on the show.
Now he's rich. He performs the arenas regularly, which is a real game. Ladies and gentlemen, the dreams that can come true. Good to see you by the great.
Hans can, everyone. Hey, I love hearing Austin because I never know if I'm going to be performing for retards or faggots. Yeah, much of retards tonight. My favorite are retarded faggots.
I get offended over everything. Love hearing Austin is always sitting where you can see pickup trucks in roundabouts. You can see that they're like, what the hell am I in? I got damn it.
I'm in a circle. What is this communism? I wish that we had to build the wall. Now we're going to have to climb over that shit every time we wanted to portion.
Got damn, got damn, ex-use. I have a girlfriend now and she's fucking me on a regular basis. Thank you. She told me that I'm the best man she's ever been with, but the two people she had before me were women.
So it's going to be the third best, at least. I'm the men's featherweight champion of Rachel's pussy. Thank you. There it is.
A minute, 20 seconds. You have to bear away from you on that one. Hans Kim coming in here proving that Asians can say any words that they want right now. Just coming out of tons of plays and with the R word and the F word.
Indeed, Asian Heritage Month and you get to do whatever you want. Happy Asian Heritage Month everybody. It's the month of May. I'll never forget that one again.
That is it. This is the true one-year anniversary episode. I love it. Hans, your life has changed in the past year.
Tell us about it. I'm performing for Joe Rogan. I have a lot of money. I moved out of the van.
I got snacks regularly. I would recommend it to anyone. Absolutely. What else has been going on since the last time you saw you have the past week Hans?
This past week I bought a little gun. Shout us to the number 920L. I also bought a bidet. Wow.
Did you get these in the same place? No. The danger is bidet. It's a little strong.
I'm sure I'll get used to it. Oh, you will. You will. What made you want to get a bidet?
Just like it's more efficient. I don't have to do manual labor notes. Somebody says it's like a button. Does it do it automatically?
It's a little dial. Is it a tushy? No. No.
Sorry. Where'd you get this response? Amazon. No.
Is there a reason in particular, did your girlfriend say something to you? Do you notice something about her perhaps? No. It's just like I wanted to treat myself after doing the arena in the afternoon.
Oh, yes. What man who performs an arena's wife's ass with toilet paper? You are correct. I like that.
That makes sense. Very, very fun. You've been using it and it brings you joy. How about a gun?
We do want this gun exactly Hans. I'm just checking the trigger. Perfect. It's going to save you one-on-one.
Tells you to just check the trigger. Anything's good. You'll school of Alec Baldwin. Check the trigger.
Holy shit. This is a fucking ticking time bomb here, Hans. What made you get that gun in particular? I think it's like a cool thing to have.
If I was in the medieval ages, I'd have a sword and now it's 2022. I have a gun. I can shoot people now. I don't know this gun, Tony.
Do you know what the gun is? What's it look like? How big is your gun? It's like a clone of a Glock 19.
No. It's American made. Okay. Hans, are you in your life just good?
Yes. What have you got amazing sex? Well, you're about to say we're having a baby. That was close.
Good Lord. Any great 50 scares? No. We use a condom pretty regularly.
When you say pretty regularly. What are we talking about? 80%, 50%, 95%. Oh, 100%.
Okay. Well, that's totally regular. Pretty regularly would be less than 100%. I can't believe I'm explaining stats.
It is a guy. This is crazy. That's really his 2022. The times are changing folks.
The white man is telling the Asian guy about stats and guns and shit. All right. I love it. So amazing sex.
What does that mean to you? What exactly is amazing sex to a guy like you? You guys don't suit your shoes in the bedroom or something? I've been rubbing up with my hand a lot.
Whoa. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. What the fuck?
That's like middle school talk right there. That doesn't sound comfortable at all. We did find out last week that you do a weird thing. You're a fourth favorite body part on a female is and you said the navel.
Then you described how you enjoy rubbing a girl's belly button. I think he's pushing it back in. Did you say? Yeah.
I mean, it's a very beautiful part of a woman. So interesting. They have a high bat. So it's softer than a man.
How do you know this? Just a science. You have a rub the belly button while doing other things. Do a girl.
You have a little shocker. The old one in the belly button. I can't believe this is what I do for a living. I can't believe it.
She likes to spoon me. Which is weird because usually it's the other way around. She likes to cuddle my butt. Do you have a reasonable bat back there?
She likes it. I don't know why. I think her ass is way better. I think my ass is flat.
I mean, she's gassy. Red band. What are you talking about? Interesting.
Do you do anything to increase your butt size? Do you do squats or anything like that? You work out? You have a kettlebell.
You have a single kettlebell? Okay. What's the weight of this single kettlebell that you have? 35 pounds.
Whoa. That's a pretty big one. You have everything about getting a second 35-pound kettlebell and a fucking jack. I'm having trouble with just one right now.
Very, very interesting. Alright, Hans. Well, you did it again. Another absolute killer, men with a bonus.
20 second edition there. All new material. It's absolutely incredible. Your work ethic is absolutely insane.
You're pushing everybody to the moon. We love you. We just start to get the show started towards the pond. Maybe time.
We see him every week. A brand new minute. Every single week. The regular on the show are absolutely killing.
But now we go to the bucket. This is where shit gets a little bit more wild. Because we're about to meet someone we probably never met before. I tried that belly button too.
Huh? I tried that belly button too. Oh, but Gary's Hans is teaching Gary. If you like the belly button, during romance.
Appreciate you. You might have to write us on about that or something. I'm in love with your belly button. You're a stink finger.
No boy. Make some noise. We're a fucking pull tonight. His name is Stephen Farmer.
Everybody. Here we go. Here he comes. I do believe at this first time on Kelton.
He makes the noise for Stephen Farmer, everyone. Alright. Well, I hope you like me. But if not at school, at least you got to see what it looks like.
It looks like it's only on real estate. We got that going for us. I love you. Sure.
Some people wear the jeans. Like a little goofy thing. It looks like the wind and the wind wear. Like a squat.
I thought you should shut. I don't sweat. I can't run. I'm a mermaid.
No pain. No champagne. We'll go over chocolate. I can't do it for most angry stuff at all times.
I'm going to wear the one. Your max is my warm up. I hit the gym so I don't hit my wife. Is it that cold night?
What's it about? That's it. Alright. 56 seconds from Stephen Farmer.
Hi, Stephen. How are you? Great. How are you?
Good. This is your first time on the show. I love it. I love it.
How long have you been Donald Trump's campaign manager? It's in trouble. I love your look. How long have you been a lawyer for the Slytherin?
I know there's more coming. This is wild. Look at you. What do you do for work?
Personal trainer. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look at that. You dress like a smart guy, but really underneath it's just.
What would you recommend to Hans to increase his about size? What would you do for your personal trainer? I would say, God was watched with 35. God was watched?
Can you show us exactly what God was in squad is? Can you do what we're not counting on your ass? Is that possible? We're getting warmed up here a little bit, folks.
We're just hitting the bag a little bit. You time that perfectly. You're a full squat when I made the comment of your ass Jeff. You went too far to your timing.
It was perfect. I love it. Absolutely. So how long have you been in seeing a comedy?
That's why I'm here. Shut the fuck up. Stephen, Stephen, stop it. No, you haven't.
Yeah. What? 12 years. No.
No, Stephen. No. No, you're kidding. That's one of your big jokes.
Where are you doing for 12 years? Austin, Texas? Well done. Okay.
All right. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. When Red Man hits that, there's barely anything anybody can do to bring it back.
Stephen, 12 years. Now, what? Wow. Okay.
What's the best thing that you've done in 12 years of standpoint? What's the highlight of your career? Just like featured in a comedy club, so it's okay. Who's your favorite person that you featured for?
Probably Greg Warren. I mean, no, I actually. Oh, my God. Wait, was it not good then?
Was it not? Yeah. Okay. All right.
He's asking. I celebrated my 15 year anniversary. This past Saturday, Saturday night, 15 years as a stand-up comedian for me. And so I've been doing it only three years longer than you.
Yeah. Okay. Perfect. Yeah.
Yeah. Also, how long have you been coming until months? Okay. That's pretty good.
How long have you been a personal trainer for it? Exactly. I started both like the same time. Wow.
Did you just have a bunch of fucking fat clients and just keep getting fat or... Do I have it working with him for two years? Okay. Yeah.
Oh, why did you learn how to do that, Red Man? When did you learn how to make fun of yourself? I've been waiting a long time for you to do that. You know, you could do that any time.
Oh, my God. Steven Farmer. I love it. You're my same as Farmer.
What are your parents do for work? My dad is a chiropractor. Wow. We saw on your family can craft people up.
Oh, I activated the black. I activated the black. I activated the black. All right.
Come on. What does momma bear do? I don't want to do sad about that. Oh, shit.
Wait, isn't it around the same time you started doing stand up? Steven, this time line is not looking good. Did you left out of your first joke? I'm kidding.
I'm kidding. Shut up. Shut up. Oh, this is not a show I thought I came to.
How many mothers day? How... Wow. Oh, my goodness.
This is epic, Steven. I love this. You have a good sense of humor. We can tell you're a professional.
What do you like to do for fun, Steven? I got dogs. I got three dogs. Okay.
How often do they run away? I can actually keep them. Oh, yeah. Absolutely.
They can't go anywhere. How do a girlfriend? I imagine that you know a little bit about psychology that I know. They must be hard to keep relationships going if your mother is missing.
I mean, yes. I don't have a relationship. So, let's go. When's the last time you ran a relationship?
A serious one was 2017. 2017. How long did that last four? Three years.
Three years. What happened? How did that end? She broke it up.
Would you tell me to turn to the singer to the guy? Right. Percival trainer? No.
He was a fact guy. Oh, that's the worst. Wow. Very interesting.
She wanted a little fix me up. Damn. All right. Let me ask you that.
You have women in his clients. You ever make a move on any of your people? No. They're already going after you.
You don't like that. You don't like a girl that likes you. You need to force yourself upon. I don't know.
Well, I live around rocks. It's not a lot to really have to go. Oh, round rock. Okay.
It's starting to make sense now. Been doing 12 years of staying in comedy and round rock. It's basically flying to LA for a time show audition for you, making a long trip that you made here today. What kind of vehicle do you drive all the way from round rock?
Honda. Civic. I like these through in the sport there at the end. Your mom would be proud.
See if your mom would be proud. Oh, shut the fuck up. He's having fun. Look at him.
Look at this guy. He had to run away or something sketchy about it. What do you think your mom is? Really?
What did you say that? Did she say that? She was a drug addict. And we looked at a small town in southeast Arkansas.
Everybody knew about it. And then a few subexholesment who may have had something like rumors. So like run around my grandma and we like pay the crack addicts to a... That's John.
That's not even a red band. That means John Deez is. Yeah. It's where the pep goes to the weasel.
Why is that the missing mother's song? I don't really understand. Oh my goodness gracious. This is wrong.
It's cold. It's cold case files here. I love it. Stephen, what's a goal or a dream of yours?
To announce I'm comedy and it doesn't seem pathetic. Okay. Red and English Stephen. You know what I mean?
Would you like to open up the secret show Thursday? Oh, look at that. 12 year comedy, man. You just got booked on the show on Thursday.
Can you make it? All right. Catch him on the secret show. Here's a big joke book made by the great phones I Adrian Kavazos here in Austin, Texas.
Real Texas leather. Follow him on Instagram at phones. B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. You guys haven't found out there yet?
All right. I'm not pulling another name out of the bucket here. Okay. He's under hill is next on the show.
Heath under hill. This episode is already a roller coaster. One more time for Heath under hill everyone. You guys like dad jokes?
I don't give a shit. I'm doing it anyway. When I was a little kid, we got to get a little close. We did everything together.
We got to get together. Our favorite game to play with time to seek out. It's 1994. Has anyone seen my dad?
Dad jokes. When I was a kid, I was like, hey, Heath, where'd we go to take a big shower? So I watched on the clone. Come here.
You never know. You might be the girl you're dreams. I got to say it really works. I've had so many white dreams.
When I was nine, I had Santa Claus for the building to suck my own dick. My dad has a dress up like him since. Dad jokes. Heath under hill.
You've been on the show before, right? No. How are you? I'm good.
You look like a mith buster or a mith buster and a bell buster. This is incredible. Welcome to the show, Heath under hill. I love that.
What a cool name you have. 34 years old. How long do they don't stand up? Three years.
I love it. That's a good reasonable answer. It's not a shopping and a falling answer. Three years.
Nice. Good job, Heath. What do you do for a living? I'm a traveling warehouse worker.
That's a job I've never heard before. Explain how I was a fighter. I'll just do a warehouse worker. I've worked for companies that send me to understaffed.
Where are they? They send you, huh? What is it about? Exactly.
Are you doing at these warehouse? This is manual labor. It's manual labor. Like, forklift?
It's like you've been lifting a forklift. Yeah. Now it's got a spoonlift worker. Anyway, so you work at warehouse.
You live here in Austin? No, I'm trying to move. Living a Tennessee right now. Okay.
Well, part of Tennessee. Chattanooga area. All right. The old Chattanooga chute chute.
Which is what you like to do to food. Let's chute chute. Then swallow it down. Chattanooga chute chute.
The rare chat, new good joke. Thank you, red band. So Heath Underhill. What do you do for fun out in Chattanooga?
I got a lot of different hobbies. I'll play video games. I like to eat. You eat absolutely.
I tried gardening for a while. I didn't work. They're really interesting. Wow.
Are you trying to grow? Food. That makes sense. Here, you have a garden, right?
Not anymore. No, what happened? No. That's what he did with his physical health.
It's all the same. Oh, red band. When red band hits the pig button, you know you're fucked up, man. Okay.
Keith, I love it. So much fun. Then you travel here to Austin. What have you done for fun in Texas so far?
I just got here yesterday. So I just woke up and drove here. Got family four hours away. Okay.
So they live in a rock too. Very cool. Four hours away. Which direction four hours?
Almost well pass it, right? Almost well pass it. Oh my god. That is dumber than I thought it was.
Thank you. You guys are right. I was wrong on that one. Where was he?
So like, what was Christie? Oh, we're up with it again. I'm stuck with this again. I'm stuck with this again.
You're stuck with this again. I'm stuck with this again. I'm stuck with this again. I'm stuck with this again.
I'm stuck with this again. You're stuck with this again. We're stuck with this again. What is it?
What is it? That's great. All right. How do you go all the time in Tennessee?
Yeah, I go three or four times a week in Tennessee. Okay. What's the scene like that? What are you dealing with?
You can't get up all the time. How about your love life? Where are we talking about here? You got yourself a little fucking sticky with glasses?
Well, we're in here again. Okay. Welcome to the series show, everybody. We're here for the one night where the audience was super serious.
Do you ever think he was glasses? No. No, it's not a slow run. I love you on any dating sites or anything like that.
Yeah. Okay. Farmers only. He said he was a gardener.
What's give any special skills or talents? Anything with surprises about you? Oh, perhaps you know what? Yo, yo, yo, or anything with the begins with yo or anything else?
Actually, I can yo, yo, pretty decent. Really? Yo, yo, yo, yo. What's your greatest talent in the world?
If I never said anything about the yo, what would you have answered with? I mean, I can play a little music, but I'm not like. What kind of music can you play? You look at it.
You look at it. You do the guy that crushed on American Idol. Yeah. No, no, no, no, no.
I can see it. You see more of the voice kind of guy where they spin around and they're like, yeah. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.
He's not a star. He's a planet. Whoa. We get to the point of the yo.
There's the first in the history of the show. Whoa. He's a planet. Whoa.
We get to the yo. This is the first in the history of the show. The great yoni unbelievable. What a world we live in.
She called him yo, yo, yo. After that. Where the fuck did you get a yo, yo? He's incredible.
The hardest part is getting around his finger, ladies and gentlemen. That is his greatest string. Whoa. Oh, shit.
Whoa. Whoa. Hell yeah. What the hell.
Wow. We just got where the last Canadian mother came back. That was so good. That was so exciting.
Bringing people back together. Yo, where the fuck did you get that yo, yo? He has a much faster suspenders. He has two yo-yo-yo-yo-yo-yo.
That was incredible. That is absolutely incredible. That was in your bag, yoni. You keep a yo-yo in your bag at all times.
Holy shit. You're the only one of these people. I keep yoni very close to me. Really, really, really good friend.
Very, very close. I once asked this guy to the truth story. I'm like, yo, you don't have a fucking measuring tape. He literally goes, zzzzz.
Like that. You had a measuring tape. He's a weird. I mean, carries his backpack that's just rock solid.
Absolutely brand. But the fact that you keep a single lonely yo-yo in there, just incredible. Absolutely wild. Do you know how yo-yo?