Hey, this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on Tordates and come see us live, every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas.
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Get up on it Tony! Are you guys ready to have the best goddamn Monday night of your lives or what? Fuck yeah. Mixing for Red Band everybody, Red Band's there.
Now a bit of hand for the goddamn band, huh? That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, John Dees on the keys. Matt Muelling on guitar and the great D madness right behind me on the bass. Very very exciting stuff.
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Hey y'all. Indeed it is TonyHinchCliff here telling you that I am back out on tour with my standup comedy, lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me all around the country. We're back at it. Salt Lake City May 20th and 21st, Buffalo June 10th and 11th.
Atlantic City, New Jersey June 24th and 25th. Tampa Florida July 15th and 16th Houston, Texas July 28th, 29th and 30th Dallas, Texas the 12th and 13th of August and August 26th and 27th San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee making my long awaited return September 29th, 30th and October 1st. Excited to get back to Nashville, San Antonio.
Dallas, Houston, Tampa Atlantic City and Buffalo and of course Salt Lake City, the home of my favorite religion all very soon. This ticket is available at TonyHinchCliff.com and we'll see you out there. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on this show.
This one is very special. This young man, much like me, comedy store, door guy, turned, paid regular. He has been opening up for Andrew Schultz all around the world including Radio City Music Hall. He's Austin's own.
Derek Posten, ladies and gentlemen. Wow, this is the future. The future has arrived and it is Derek Posten. Derek Posten is back.
He has arrived at the fresh off of Radio City Music Hall and some of the best venues around the world. What's up, you whitening it. Let's do it. Yeah.
You're like people here fucking Hagrid's here. What's up Hagrid? I see you, baby. Hell yeah.
There's a few Hagrid's here. Half of my fan base literally looks like Hodor. It's pretty exciting. Very exciting stuff.
We have this table of Proud Boys right here. It's very exciting. And one Proud Girl, I'll see you today. The first people to try to go back to the future on a Harley Davidson here.
It's very exciting. The bad guys from Raising Arizona have arrived. So there's a bunch of comedians that are going to perform for you tonight. Some of them are regulars on the show.
Very prestigious position where now they are fully flourishing and headlining all around the world. Used to be a spot where we watch comedians develop and write a new minute every week. Now you're doing the same thing but you're getting a fresh minute of material from them as they travel the world headlining their own shows. And also we have a bucket where we pull names out and complete strangers come up here sometimes for their very first time.
You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten? That means they're uninterrupted 60 seconds is up and they have to wrap it up there. They're all slicking out the end of a snolly but bear. That means they really have to wrap it up because that's an obnoxiously loud noise that is the format of the show.
And then I interview them. We talk with them. We find out more about them. It's all completely improvised.
Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start the fucking show or let's go? Then we shout with a young man who just six months ago was living in his van. He was masturbating continuously.
But he was also writing jokes and performing every night at open mics. Now he's rich. He performs in harreinas with me and Joe Rogan because we changed his fucking life. Here with a brand new minute.
This is Hans Kim. Let's go. He is Hans Kim. He is Hans Kim.
Hey, what's up? It's good to be here. I was recently in Chicago which was fun. You know, we have guns here but they're actually using them over there.
We're just shooting targets like a bunch of liberal pussies. They're shooting each other. I met a trans person. I met a bicyclist who identified as an automobile.
You should turn signals Kia. I am happy to be here. My sister is a feminist or I'd like to call her a sore loser. Get over it.
We won. Try again next generation. All right. That's it.
Thank you very much. Whoa. Who's second from Hans Kim? Finishing your homework early this week.
52 seconds. There's the cat. Hi, Hans. Hi, Tony.
Sorry about that. What was that? How are you? I'm doing great.
Just did a little headlining weekend at Zaines. I'm really proud of myself. In Chicago? Wow.
That is huge. Thank you. That's a world famous comedy club. One of the best, a place that headlines people very early on in their careers.
I've been performing there for I think about a decade now. That's incredible that you did that. How did it go? It went great.
I saw Ariana here. She's on Instagram. Wait. You saw on Instagram while you were in Chicago?
No, she's a friend of the show. She was in the front row. Wait, in Chicago? Yeah, they're rich.
Oh, okay. Okay. All right. That's a different story.
I thought you were just saying that you saw her on Instagram while you were performing in Chicago. You're so creepy that I thought that's what you said. Like the fact that I think that you may have said that says a lot about what I think about you. I'm a red-blooded young American male.
Hell yeah. That's right. Red-blooded. All right.
Very good. So Chicago went well. Do you sell tickets? That's the ticket that matters.
Did you get anybody from Chicago to come out? Yeah, there was a lot of them. Okay. Yeah.
I got paid a flat fee, so I didn't really try it too hard. Oh, flat fee. There you go. Flat feet.
Flat feet. Very good. That's fun. So you didn't have to work too hard.
You did what? Five shows. Four shows. They don't do the three on Saturdays anymore?
Well, no, they don't. They did Thursday, Friday one show, Saturday two shows because I couldn't sell out Friday late show. Oh, there we go. You know, it gives me room to grow.
Next time, maybe I could do five shows there, like a real full-blooded comedian. Right. No, that makes sense. Yoni, I need a Sharpie, by the way.
Thank you so much, Yoni. Did you fuck after the show? That's my one question. Good question, Derek.
Did you fuck after the show? You find yourself a little Chicago bear or something out there? Little bull. Nice little broil.
I'm actually straight. I... Those are the sports teams in Chicago. Perhaps you had a black hawk up your ass?
That's a hockey team. Thank you. Thank you. I'm just just falling out of control with my Chicago sports references.
You know what I mean? I have a girlfriend, so I hung out with the crew and then I went to the hotel room and called her and jerked off together. You jerked off together? She also jerked off.
Yeah, she twiddled around. Did you guys know FaceTime? Yeah. FaceTime or was this just straight up up?
Straight audio only. Whoa! The old... Heavy breathing.
The old flat feet. Why did you use video? It's just like a lot of pressure. I have to look.
You have to look good. Yeah. You hold the phone at the right angle. I got a selfie stick.
Too much work. I was looking at yourself on FaceTime. That's what I look like jerking off? Let me ask you this.
You guys are doing an audio only call and then you're playing with yourselves. What's your setup here? Are you laying in the middle of the hotel bed? Are you on the ironing board?
What's going on here? Describe the situation for us. The world wants to know. I got drunk and I stumbled up into my hotel room and fell asleep with all my clothes on and I was like, hey baby, I'm this you.
Wow, you turned into an Italian man. That's very exciting. Hey, baby. I've been thinking about you.
Hey, it's me. Oh shit, dude. That's how I go really brings it out in. Hey, baby.
What do you say? Should we joke off on the phone or what? Get the fuck out of here. Thank you.
Hell yeah. Appreciate that because you're Italian. Right. Thank you so much.
Happy Asian Heritage Month by the way, Hans. I don't want to forget. May is Asian Heritage Month. Never forget that one again.
Thank you. Very Asian collapse for that. Indeed. It was.
Very polite. Okay. So you guys are on the phone. You're doing audio only.
Just straight raw dog. Whoa. I don't like lotion. It's too much cleanup afterwards.
Just do a little bit. Why are you doing the whole bottle? A little bit. Okay.
So what happens here? You're laying on your back. You're spitting on your hand. You're doing anything at all.
You're literally just skin to skin. Yeah. Just using the muscles in my hand. Oh, you're just punishing yourself.
This awkward, dry hand job. This is incredible. So how long does it take you? Because I'm guessing 45 minutes to an hour.
It would probably take. It took about six minutes. Wow. Okay.
So that's a very specific number. In fact, I'm positive it took six minutes. Interesting. And did you finish before her?
I think she finished before me. Oh, she's a good liar. Okay. Was she using a toy or was she just?
No toy. No, she's just fingers only as well. Fingers only. Nothing for her either.
You guys are a loop free couple. No faces. No video. No joy.
No pleasure. No joyment whatsoever. Very interesting. Have you guys ever thought about masturbating with like the cans in a string or something like that?
Or perhaps more. I was like, all right, this is stupid. This is a dumb show. This show is already stupid tonight.
So Hans, she finishes first. Then you finish. Where do you finish? You're so worried about clean up but lotions a problem.
I'm interested to know what your come game is like. You know what I'm saying? Well, I have got the toilet paper from the bathroom. I put it by the bed.
Oh shit. And I was drunk. I kind of like, you know, like I like to do a good little pocket. But this was more like a mummy situation.
Oh my God. The old mummy and daddy. Holy shit. So you have a bundle of toilet paper.
You're just raw dogging your own hand. And then you finish. Where does it go? You stack the toilet paper on your belly.
You lean into it. What's going on here? I have it in my left hand. My right hand is the jerk hand.
Oh my God. You're so excited to clean up. You're such a clean freak that you actually keep the toilet paper in your other hand the whole time. Wow.
You make it difficult. You're in a hotel room. Like the left side of the bed. That's where you jerk off and you're like, go around and share like a band.
Red band sliding a stand up into the fucking show. I mean, it's just common. I mean, it's just common. You're just sacrificed his closer.
I usually get two beds and that's my jerk off. Oh, I do a special bitch. Two queens and a joker. Well, all right.
Hans, I love it. Another new minute. Another amazing performance and an incredibly compelling interview. Nobody does it quite like you do.
You're on the road. Actually, you're on the road next week with Rogan and I have to do sold out shows in Salt Lake City, Utah. So you're going to be out there all on your own. Are you nervous about this one?
Oh shit. Yeah, I don't know that. It's my first time leaving you alone with Joe, so don't fuck it up. Oh, that was honest.
I mean, I protect him a lot, by the way. We're out there. He does weird fucking shit. I'm like, oh, I'm stalker.
He's going to see you. Yeah, I'll be really quiet. I'll pick up his ribeye with his hand sometimes. I'm like, Hans?
Are you serious? He's an animal. He is a ruthless animal. But all he does is fucking writes jokes.
He stares at his spreadsheet that's on his phone. He does everything right. He's a fucking, he's the rain man of Kill Tony. And we love him.
There he goes. One more time for Hans. Hansie! He is Hans Kim.
He is Hans Kim. Hans Kim. H-A-N-S. K-I-M.
He is Hans Kim. All right, now to the bucket we go. This is where shit gets a little bit wilder, because it could be you that signed up tonight. No, some people are like, nope.
But who knows? Could be somebody's first time? Could be Miss Emilio. What are you doing walking around talking to strangers?
Go find a seat, you crazy fucking goose. We have the most insane fan base ever here. This is literally the mother from Requiem for a dream. You might recognize her from a few episodes ago.
She's crazier than shit, but we love her. All right, your first comedian out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Marcelline Amaris, everyone. Here we go. What is this song you guys do funny?
I hope you like this song. They're only playing this tonight. All right, one more time for Marcelline Amaris. Thank you guys.
So I decided to grow my hair out recently. So if you see my pussy start to bowl, don't worry about it. I'll braid it later. That's fine.
My mother always taught me to be very vulnerable and honest. And she led by an example. Like the time she told me she didn't like me. Yeah, that was cool.
But I honestly think we both could have done better. I could have had white parents. Like a trust one maybe, just a suggestion. But instead I had Turkish parents, which if you don't know is like the Mexicans of Russia.
Yeah. We'll commit genocide too, but we'll do it for half the prags, maybe. Growing up in Turkey was a lot different. The kids played different there.
So instead of playing hide and seek, we just wrestled. And the only time I've had to wrestle in America was when I said no. Thank you guys. All right.
Very good. I didn't really get that last one. Why would you have to wrestle if you say no? It's a rape joke.
Oh, you're saying, wait, you're saying you get raped here more in America than you would in Turkey? A lawless, pretty much a lawless country, right? They're kind of maybe. I haven't been there in 12 years.
I don't know what's happened to the laws. Right, right, right, right. Okay. Why haven't you been there in 12 years?
Well, my mom never wanted to pay for my ticket. So I just didn't go. Your return ticket? I don't speak Turkish.
You're going to have to switch over to American English. So you are Turkish. You've been here for 12 years. No, I've been here almost 19 years total.
Okay. And you came with your whole family? I came with Brother and Mom. Brother and Mom.
What's Dad up to out there making cigarettes or something like that? The Turkish camels are the... Okey-dokey. No, he dug a hole and now he lays in it.
Huh? He's dead. Oh, that's right. Okay.
Look out. Look out. That's the old turkey jerky. How did Dad die?
Well, how? He was a cop and got shot. All right. Yeah, and his line of work.
Okay. Incredible. And did that happen 19 years ago? Is that why you guys?
That happened in 1999. Oh, okay. So I was only like two years old. I was born in 97.
Okay. Hell yeah. All right. 99.
Still a good year for the Middle East part of the world. A couple years away from some real fucking... You know what I'm in? Some of that American rapey power.
You know what I'm saying? We'll draw bombs. Anyway, so greatest country in the world. What else do I have here?
You mentioned that you stopped shaving, so if your pussy starts a bald, you're talking about pubic hair in the joke? Okay. Just making sure. No, but it took me a second to catch that.
That was me. Got a fro down there. That's lit. Derek's always keeping an eye out for a bulging pussy.
I don't know if he's... I said it. And I looked down and I was like this is why I'm an ass bitch, right? So be aware that's the first people.
That's not going to look me say that joke. Yeah. We're waiting. All right.
Turkish pubic hair seems disgusting. Whoa. That's the most racist thing that's ever been said on the stage before. Why do that?
Why do that? I don't just grow it out to braid it. That was a one time thing. That was a one time experiment.
No, it stays nice, Trim. We keep it nice and clean. Okey-dokey. Very cool.
How long have you been doing stand-up comedy for? Marceline? A year now. Okay.
All of you are in Austin, Texas? What made your Turkish family pick Texas? They didn't. I did.
They're still in Louisiana. Whoa. What made them pick Louisiana? My stepdad.
My white stepdad. Ooh. He got a teaching job there. Okay.
Yeah. Is he sort of like a Louisiana guy like Barbara. They have a whole thing to him. They're not really.
I mean, some of them are smart. I forgot I have some friends up there from Louisiana. Some of them are smart. Good hang.
But is he one of those derpity derp Louisiana people? A little bit. Your mother and me, making a love. I don't know what I did here.
Yeah. I'm a sweetheart. Hell yeah. Someone knows this fucking Zataran bullshit.
Okay. So you're in Louisiana. What does the white stepdad do? He is a professor teaching communications at a university.
And how about you? What do you do for a living? Do you want to stand up for a year? Yeah.
I'm Annie. Oh, the old Turkish nanny. The old Turkish nanny. All right.
And you're taking care of primarily. That is the sound of the Turkish nanny. There it is. There it is.
What's the craziest problem that you've ever had nanny in a kid? What's your age range there? What are we talking about? We like Penn State or Michael Jackson nanny?
What's your range? Every kid I've taken care of has been under two years old. Oh, very trusting. What do you do?
You feed the babies and whatnot. Feed them. I'm showing my colors here. I don't know what nannies do.
I've never heard of this job before. This is all new to me. Do you change diapers? Yeah.
That's probably the job. Right. I get it. Okay.
So a year in stand up, you're nannying for a living. Did you go to college? I went to college for two years and dropped out. What did you study there?
Graphic design. It's kind of fuck shit. Right. What are your big goals?
Make it as a stand up now. Stand up is a good time. I don't know if this is where I'll make it, but I'm just kind of applying myself. Any and everywhere.
I'm still young. So yeah. Absolutely. That's the right attitude.
Marceline, you came in. That was very, very fun. Welcome to Kill Tony. Here's a joke book to take with you.
That is an official Texas leather joke book by the great Bonsai. Make some noise for Marceline Amaris everybody. All right. I love her.
And Kanto. All right. A little Turkish bandage on strike. Yeah.
What's going on? What is this song? They're playing Hans Kim's song. It's Hans Kim's song.
All right. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sandrail Ross. Say John Ross. Say John Ross.
Say John Ross. Alright. No, I was going to go up. So I'm married.
Yes. I got me one ladies. I got me one. I got you guys.
Get yours. Because it scares out there. But my husband, he has a disability. And you have to take care of people with disabilities, right?
You have to take care of those people. Like his legs aren't the same size. One of his legs is bigger than the other two. You know what I'm saying?
You feel me girl? You feel me? You feel me? You feel me?
You feel me? I feel my disability. So what I'm trying to say. No, he actually disisowed disabilities because after he threw me, I can't walk.
I'm still waiting on my stick. You know. So I can roll my ass where I'm trying to go. Getting that front parking spot.
So what I'm trying to say. But I love him. I love him so much. It is.
It is pretty exciting to go from turkey to fried chicken this quick earlier. But I'm part Asian. Oh, you are? What kind of Asian are you?
I'm Chinese. Wow. I love to see you tell them that. I love to see their reaction.
Oh, no. Yeah. That's what they say. No.
No. No. No. We're going to have to edit that part out.
That was just for you guys. Give it in. That is very true. They tell me.
You're not. You don't see it? I can't. Oh, she's totally blasian.
I've never actually met one. I don't see it. Okay. So can you drive or not?
Okay. Where do you get the car? It's just a low rider with hydraulics going 45 miles an hour in the fast lane. I'm like, oh, she is Chinese after all.
This is great. Get over. But I keep the rim spinning. I keep the rim spinning.
I love your style, Sandra. Very, very cool. The mom's Asian, right? Yeah.
Of course. Oh, absolutely. Hell yeah. Are you kidding me?
Never in the history. It's a Chinese guy that's bagged a black girl. You know. It is never happened before.
I've seen Hans Kim try. Trust me. It is never happened. I believe the exact words were all hell no.
That I heard. I love it. And now you're with a black man. You're married to a black man.
Yes. Right. Indeed. I could tell because only in that world is a dick bigger than two legs.
Yes. That's true. So true. Absolutely incredible.
What does he do for work? He's like a comedian as well. Oh, okay. Yeah, he's here.
All right. Okay. And what do you do for a living? I'm doing this full time now.
But I wasn't a accountant before. He's been married for seven years. Seven years? Seven years.
And he does comedy. Has he ever been on the show? No, he hasn't. What's his name?
Mickey Hausley. You should we get a minute from her boy. Her husband, ladies and gentlemen, you stay up here here with a brand new minute of his first time on the show. Make some noise for her husband Mickey Hausley everybody.
Here we go. Big dick energy coming at you. Big dick. Oh shit.
He's doing the sea walk. Oh shit. I know what those guys mean. Oh shit.
I'm friends with Danny Brown. I know what that means. One more time for Mickey Hausley everybody. Yeah, okay, so I was actually tricked into doing this show actually coming out here.
Yeah, my friend was down. He was like, man, Mickey, you and your wife got to go do the kill Tony show. Don't worry. It's gonna be a bunch of black people.
You'll be comfortable and Not quite you and I'm black You're like black ish appreciate you for coming, sir. I don't even think you was coming here. They just pulled you like hey Come here real quick, please. I feel very uncomfortable.
Thank you as you can see that I am married a little bit and No, no, no stop stop. Okay. I love my wife because the Bible says do that and It does it does it's a demand it and You don't read your Bibles. Holy shit Mickey Houser.
No doubt about it. You do this for a living Complete control of the room absolute thunder and lightning see walked his way up here through up gang signs representing Both both the east and the west side at one point. I do believe I saw he has every coast covered comes up Absolutely lights the room on fire. Oh, very fucking cool.
This is my favorite fucking Tyler Perry production. I've ever put on Absolutely incredible My goodness incredible Mickey welcome to the show you guys are just an adorable couple I absolutely love this and how long have you guys live in Austin? Yeah as of six five six months I love it. How do you like it so far?
It's cool about a potholes, but yeah, there are a lot of potholes crack heads Yep, hot holes and crack heads. There is no doubt about that. What part of town are you guys living in we up with? Gonna say north six twenty six twenty on trap by Travis late.
Okay. All right Travis late I got credit. I don't I Can't put my name on nothing Who needs credit when you're on disability On disability that ability is got it all Wow, I love it. So what's it like up there lake Travis?
Is this like a get-out situation? Are like are they welcoming to you people there? I hope they're nice. We just got out the second place.
Yes, but nice good. It's cool. Yeah, just you know we up there battle laces Yeah, yeah, you know we like it. We like that.
All right, you're hiding from Will Smith I want to say that to anybody thought about sniving. I want to say I'm not Chris Rogg. Okay, we'll press charges on you absolutely 100% I love it. So if you guys hit up the lakes and so being moving there, you guys done anything out there?
Yeah, no, we haven't hit the lake like but we're going in July 4th. Okay, July 4th You're gonna do it introduce yourself to the neighbor She's all right. I think she's part Chinese or something like that. She said I'm an ignore what I see Look at her eyes babe.
Look at her eyes. She's okay They must be open up one of their restaurants or something. I love it Sanjarel Ross and Mickey Houser. How long have you been doing stand-up Mickey?
I'm OG right. Yeah, I could tell there's no doubt about it. You're overqualified for this position and it shows Many people are 12 years very good. Absolutely came up and you did it like even though that's what 12 years looks like And where were you guys that before you moved here?
Oh? Oh shit, there's more black people over there look at that I can see their floating yellow bracelets from here very good deep deep In the time of Chicago to and in a the pandemic brought us back home. That's good. That's good It's good to be here during this these crazy times it is well run state no doubt about it I just have to say the floating bracelets that niggas darkness I mean look at it.