Hey, this is Red Man, and if you are listening to Kill Tony, check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show, and if you click on Tordace and come see us live, every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road, and we always have comedy shows also, so go to DeathSquad.tv and click on Tordace. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv.
Ryan J. Ebel, he is the house artist, he draws every episode, he sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book, and a bunch of stuff, go to RyanJEbel.com. And last but not least, Tony Hintcliffe.com for everything, Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Hey, this is Red Man, a comedy live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for it, get up for it, get up for it. You guys ready to fuck some shit up tonight? Yeah, Red Man's here, everybody.
Hey, what's up, man? And how about a hand for the goddamn band, huh? This is Kill Tony, live in Austin, Texas, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs in the world. Right here in Austin, Texas, have one more time, that's the Kill Tony Band, brought to you by Screwball, Peanut Butter Whiskey.
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Smooth out your fellas with a re-launch Ultra Smooth Package from the fellas at Manscade to your balls. Well, thank you. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, one or two of the funniest comedians in the world.
Join us up here. This week is no different. Ladies and gentlemen, I present you two of the greats in the world right now. Make some noise for Ari Shafir and Chris, kiss up and ooh!
Oh, wow. Oh, shit. It really is them. Ari, Chris, welcome.
Oh, my goodness. Yes, especially Washi is on the front of Netflix right now. Chris, Kevin, I was here. His first time ever is a guest on Kill Tony.
Yes! Davis Lee of the Chrissy Chaos Podcast, especially Washi is a hit. And I'm loving it. I want my good shirt for you.
I love it. Absolutely. Look at you. Straight out of fucking...
I have autism. I have autism. I said earlier, I'm like, it's Brendan Shaw, I'm having an estate sale since it was brutally murdered last week. And Ari Shafir, one of my big brothers in stand-up comedy, legendary comedy store.
Door guy, legendary comedy store. Hey, regular guy that I've looked up to for a long time and then looked evenly to and now I think I sort of look down. It's been a very fun 15 years. It's gone full circle and the student has become a teacher and the teacher has become a student.
No, I'm kidding. Totally joking. Ari's the shit. Taking a special in Brooklyn June 12th.
That is your third special? Fourth. Absolutely. One of those specials is two-sided super album.
Yeah. Yeah. I know what's about that. Ari is a man.
It tickets for all of his shows. Ari Shafir.com is also going to be coming up in Chicago and Indianapolis. And, of course, famously, the skeptic tank I've been doing episodes since you cleaned your apartment. Long time we did that.
I put our mushrooms together, held it together like a champion. Shroomfest. I still haven't gone to the crazy deep waters. I thought about it the other day when we were sitting.
Since then. That was it. Because I never fasted. That one I fasted.
We all were fast for 24 hours. And I have such crazy but that wasn't. I can't really just not eat. We were all supposed to start at six months.
We were like, you know, I was like, I think I'm starting to feel it. And we were like, I think I'm starting to feel it. And we were like, you feel like I'm starting to do it. Because I've been gone.
It was a ton of rips. We were sitting there on a short and the waves kept going in through the sand. And it was one of those moments back then. I didn't really know that, like, are you guys seeing that too?
But that was my ultimate. You guys seeing that too. And we all worked. The waves would hit the sand and just continue.
It would just be the sand was the wave now. It was fucked up. You were there. You were there.
But you probably weren't. Anyway, fun times. You guys know what this show is. A bunch of comedians signed up at the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage.
I'm going out of the bucket. They do that. You know, the time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up.
Then I was like, the angry west. Holly would bear it. He is here in Austin. And he's angrier than ever.
And he's just a loud thing that interrupts them if they go over their time. And then I lead an interview and we all talk to people. We need a bunch of people together. We're super confident.
It's crazy. It's live. Anything can happen. He's ready to start tonight's fucking show.
Ladies and gentlemen, getting us started is one of our regulars, everybody. A guy that likes this place on fire every week. Six months ago, he was living in his minivan doing anything he could. Every open mic to survive.
Now he's on jet rides around the world, opening arenas for Joe Rogan. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. Hey, what's up, guys? I think Beacons are guilty of a crime way worse than the murder of animals, and that's a crime of annoying a human.
What's the point of having the healthiest body in the world if your personality makes people want to strangle you in your sleep? Where's your chemo now, bitch? If I could get Beacons to shut the fuck up, I would eat two koala bears. I don't think that you should ever buy a book on the power of positive thinking, because you can always find one on the side of the road along with the rest of the family's belongings.
A lot of people hate borders, but without borders, maps would be impossible to read. We should live in the borderless world, and how are you going to find Colorado, you idiot? Thank you. Hans Kim, making it look easy.
Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. Beacons and borders. Alright. We're gonna have a hard second.
Wait, in the middle of that, it's fucking forty seconds on one topic, then it's a quick shift. Yeah, I feel like it's all unified with the hatred of the lives. Ah, yes. I never heard there's a borderless thing.
Is that something that people are saying now? No more borders? No more borders. Russell Brandt said it once, and now that's a thing that I think people think.
I love borders. Well, you're on the right side of it right now. That is correct. That is a very good point, Hans.
So what's been happening this week? Just a little Fox Theater in Detroit Michigan. Oh, tiny little Fox Theater. How many people?
Five thousand humans? Damn. How many shows? Two shows.
Wow, look at you. Where are you? I was pretty nervous about eight or nine. I guess I was a ten.
I just smoke a lot of weed. I drank a lot of buffalo trace. Ooh, yeah. Nice.
You're just in it. You're in the spot now. Hans says I was there. This is the first time that Hans has been on one of these Rogan trips without me.
I'm very proud of you. Did anything happen that fuck Tony was supposed to save me right there? Yeah. Did anything weird happen?
We were just like, Hans, what the fuck is wrong with you? I worked out with Joe Rogan and... How did you keep up? What exactly did you do working out with Joe Rogan?
I did a couple kettlebell swings. I think a whole workout with Joe Rogan would put this down for me. I tried to stay out of it as much as possible. That in itself is its own workout, isn't it?
I did a workout. I did a kettlebell workout. Joe was trying to get me to destroy my knees. I couldn't walk for like six months.
I was like, you told me to do that to me. You did the wrong. That's not the right answer. Right.
Yeah. He's like, just do fucking steroids. Get better, bro. Never try to keep up with Joe Rogan.
Never try to keep up with James in the work pressure. That's a really good point. Hans, have you included any debaucher's activities as a play? Just a regular sex with my girlfriend.
Whoa. Nice. You still wearing a condom with her? Yeah, pretty regularly.
But sometimes you don't. That's what it sounds like. No, I always do. Why?
She's afraid of getting pregnant and she's just like really liberal. As long as the abortion law stay really strong in sex, I don't think it'll be a problem. Yeah, no, it really fucks me. When you say she's really liberal, how liberal are we talking?
She's a vegan that doesn't even have a credit card. Whoa. That's liberal. That's all the way.
That's part of us left on the map. If she gets pregnant, I'll just take a rove waiting into the river and drown her. Nice. Row, rove, rove.
Wait. Hans, very interesting. Has there ever been a time where you thought about not using a condom with her? Every time.
So you put the condom on and then you're on sex with her pretending like there's no condom. You don't see a condom. I can feel it though. Oh shit.
Do you put one on your finger when you're like last on her? No. Fingers don't have condom. Hans, let me ask you another question because we've gotten to watch an incredible amount of progress literally with your career in front of our very eyes over the past years since you've been part of the show.
And I'm wondering, how are you spending some of this new uncharted Rogan money that you're making doing these theaters and arenas all of a sudden in one night in what? Tell him you do 15 minutes? Yeah. In 15 minutes he makes more than he made the entire year before.
No exaggerations, right? Yeah. Yeah. He's going to two shows and then four shows and then again.
So all of a sudden now you have a little fucking nest egg or something like that. What are you doing with your money? Because you're wearing the t-shirt of the place you're performing at right now. You're literally dressed like the guy that's mopping up puke in the background right now.
That's an actual puke for a lot of people. What are you doing with your money? I'm just saving it up like a Jew. Oh, look at that.
How are you should here? Getting brownie points with argy pig guys there. So what are you doing? It's a long term game.
I'm trying to invest in some Roth IRAs. Eli Roth. Oh my God. Really?
Nothing. You don't ever treat yourself to anything Hans? I've been getting some Uber Eats for my girlfriend. Four-year girlfriends.
You've been getting vegan shit. That's true. Just like fried rice for her and the general sales for me. I bought a gun and some ammo.
Oh, I'm hitting another gun. Wow. How much does that cost you? A thousand bucks.
I'm off the right you shave off the zero number. No, not black. Whoa. Whoa.
You can say it folks. It's Asian Heritage Month. It is Asian Heritage Month. The month of May is Asian Heritage Month.
Don't forget that one again. How do you feel about Pacific Islanders taking half of your months? I mean there's like seventeen of them for sure. Is it per mass now?
There are so few compared to the actual Asian people. Asian Asians. Yeah, the real Asians. Not those Indians.
They almost got in trouble again there folks. That was a close one. Asian Asian Asian Asian. On short-circuiting.
I mean it's good. I love everybody. It always was one of those things. One of the parts of the whole thing that blew my mind was like that that was the thing that I got in trouble for like Asian.
So unbelievable. All the races. Like I would pick them to use them. See what I mean?
Yeah, we're very lucky. Got a little weird there again for a second. It's under full control. We've been doing this a long time.
You're in your mind a long time. I love it. Hans, what else? What are you going to do with this gun?
Where do you keep it? Under my bed. Are you not liberal? I'm a very liberal person.
I'm a liberal person. I'm a liberal person. I know what you are. How about my son?
Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this. What's the most liberal quality about you? I have a day.
See, I would think that would land under conservative. Interesting. What's the most conservative thing about you? I hate certain minorities.
Whoa! Hey! Ow! I hate certain minorities.
I'm scared to look on some people's faces here. That was a crazy answer. What's your top three minorities? Hey, wait, wait.
Here we are. Well, I was going to say. I was going to say, let's skip until Michael hit the drum roll. I mean, you can't really...
All right, you guys think we should find out and edit it out if it's bad for you? I got to start at three though. But you can't say what had you. Get on the internet and say what happened if you fucking edit it out.
Deal? Or else we won't do it. All right. Here we are.
Hans Kim's three least favorite minority groups, everybody. This is an Asian man doing Asian Heritage Month. We checked the rule book. It's allowed.
His girlfriend is a vegan without a credit card. So over your liberals out there. You might be taking food if that's what they call her away from a vegan with no credit card. By trying to cancel Hans, but he's uncanceable.
These are his top three least favorite minority groups. The crowd goes wild. Everybody feels like it's safe to laugh now. We were really concerned.
You might just drop the N word right from the top there. Right from the number three position. We're talking just about getting recognized. All right.
Here we are. Back to the show. The number two least favorite group of immigrants to Hans Kim. Native Americans.
Whoa. Whoa. He set us up all nice guys. Sri Lankan.
Not going to be that big of a deal. Small Island. Now you go straight to the native people of our very own land. Why?
Well, there you go. Native Americans that you don't like. They're poor and dirty. Wow.
Wow. Wow. Wow. Oh my God.
Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Oh my God. Chaos.
All right. Believe it or not. There's one to go everybody. Believe it or not.
You think the gift cannot possibly give anymore? We find out. The number one least favorite minority group. According to Hans Kim.
Is. The blacks. Congratulations, guys. Congratulations.
John D's through a water bottle atom. He's up on the school. An incredible standoff is May versus February. Oh, I have to name it the backlight.
That's a big deal. Asians get the laundry. Asians get the laundry. They just get the laundry.
The blacks get the laundry. Oh, that's a good point. Hans, we spent way too much time with you during this interview here today. Or did we?
Oh, damn it. It was so worth it. Or did we? We have to edit that out.
Oh, right. Super short interview. I wish it was more. We're going to have to.
We're going to have to trim to the brain brim. I would have actually like to have heard this talk. I guess we will never know. Ladies and gentlemen that was Hans Kim.
Thank you. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim.
All right. Now, what do you think can happen? Is that maybe you signed up for the chance to do a minute here? Is that entry up, okay?
Your plan is not okay? Ladies and gentlemen, I've pulled your first bucket name out of the bucket tonight. We're going to meet this person together. Mix his voice for Darian Erwin everybody.
Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted by Darian Erwin. Here he is everybody. All right.
Sorry I'm late guys. I came here on the petty cab. He's dead. You know what I mean?
That's just what happens? Just move here to Austin dude. I dig it. I like Austin.
Austin's cool man. It's one city. You guys have the scooters? The rides are scooters here?
I scoot dude. I scoot my coot. I fucking people yell horrifically me shit at me When I go by on a scooter and I get it. You know what I look like you see me go by fucking two scooters I get it And you also should have me dude me as a guy or said me He was not even trying to be me He just didn't know that I could hear him right like I was he was in on the curb next to his buddy And I came around the corner right next to the curb as I go by he just points and goes look at how strong those things are That's me guys.
Thank you. Fuck you out. Darien Erwin. Absolutely.
Welcome. Welcome sir. Thank you. Thank you a ground-shaking performance.
Thank you I wish you way brother. Huh? What was that? You heard me?
Where we at? It's a good question. Do you know? No, really?
I know. You don't need to have a scale? Come on. Don't be a baby.
You can't really be insecure at this point. You have a girl's don't care. Huh? Girl's don't care.
Well, it's the scale of destiny everybody. It has arrived. Now this thing's reinforced We actually bought I specifically bought the one that can hold there's a lot of controversy with this scale dude I'm talking about it. I'm pretty sure.
No dude. If you give it to give her take 50 pounds. I'll give it to you. Oh, there you go.
It has been activated. He's getting on it. You guys will track the bike weight. Wow.
It's sticking in about 424 right now. Oh, yeah. Holy shit. I'm taking a win on it was lighter than trade pack.
You know what I mean? I love it. I love it. So you're the biggest boy that we've had up here.
I believe so. Not even close. Do you guys remember Trey? How did you know?
Trey was 480. That is close. That's not close. That is close.
Welcome to another episode of my 600 pound comedian. I know. I thought I'd go in the other direction to see if I could make it on the show. You know what I mean?
Yeah, absolutely. I don't know. It's a good question. I don't know.
It's a good question. What did you move from? Tennessee. Oh, so you're a fucking eight back home dude.
It sucks. That's how you get on that weight was for eating pussy. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. I love it. So how long have you been in Austin, Texas?
Almost a year now. Three years. Hey, you guys are great. You guys are great.
For real. I should comment. You're like slowly and confidently. It's like somebody got a real good.
I love it. I love it. I love it. What do you do for work?
We're here at the great ball. Everybody. Nice. Oh, the fix is in.
How do you get a number? I think it's fucking rich. That's what I'm saying. You think it's great?
Yeah. He got the fucking ticket. You got the call up. There's a bunch of names in the bucket.
Yeah. I don't want to take to the side. I love it. This is the first time I've ever heard.
Come on. Talk to shit. Help the condiment. Don't do that.
So, Darien, I actually know that you work here because I'm going to share with everyone at once a very, very interesting story. Oh, God. So, if you know what story I'm going to know, you're going to love it. You're going to fucking love it.
Okay. So it was like two weeks ago and a few days before the show, I had a guy that wanted to bring some people to the show, but it was sold out. But I knew that I knew that week specifically that you might have room that you might be able to get tickets at the door. So I told them when you get here, ask for the owner, see if you can get tickets at the door.
They might be able to squeeze you in somewhere, right? It's after the show two weeks ago. I got off the stage. I ended up running into the guy.
I can't even remember. I think it was from golf or something. Anyway. And he totally let me in.
And I go, well, because I found it interesting because I never got the money, right? So I say, well, what did the guy look like that you gave the $150 to? And he said, it was a fat man in a green shirt. Hold on.
No big deal. I go by my night and talk to the owner of the club. The one that's supposed to, if anybody does, sell tickets at the front door. And we end up somehow gravitating all the way to the sidewalk here on for anybody that's been here, you know, how beautiful and luxurious it is.
Just a fast land of planes and happy people. Clean is how I would describe it above all. Anyway. And I'm literally talking to the owner of the venue.
And I go, somebody told me that somebody told me that a guy, a fat guy in a green shirt took money. For the tickets tonight. And we look over at the same time. And there's Darien standing there in the greenest shirt you've ever seen.
And you're like, I mean, just a type of green that was blatantly like, oh, wow, it has to be him. And I say to the owner of the club, I go, that's got to be him. And he goes, no way. That's one of my guys.
No way it was him. I go, you don't understand. It has to be him. That's a fat guy in a green shirt of the universe right now.
And I'm watching. He goes up to him. And I don't hear a thing because I'm on the other side with other people. But I see him ask you something.
And you pull out your wallet, you pull out exactly 150. It gets worse. It gets worse than that. First of all, I'm starting to think this was fucking rigged.
I'll be honest with you. I love the things I can talk about it. I understand. I understand.
I'm going to get fired when I'm about this. No, you're not. No, you're not. I will protect you.
I'm going to go for the laugh right here. I'm going to go for the laugh. What actually happened was Nick came up to me and said, hey, wait a second. Oh my God, this is going to be so great.
Oh, yes. I will work with you. I will take you to Rogan's club. If you're honest with me.
You will be the first artist. Can I get a thumbs up on this guy? I got it. He's the actual general manager of literally what he's without a doubt going to be the greatest comedy club in the world.
The first ever one built by a successful comedian on top of that show fucking Rogan. You got the thumbs up here. Please tell us. He's about to get assassinated right now.
I'm getting fired. I'm getting fired. Nick. Nick.
Nick. Nick. No, that's not here. I'm very excited.
So Nick came up to me and said, hey, did you take money for tickets at the door? And I said, yeah, which is crazy. And then he said, hold on. And then he said, and then he said, give me the money.
And I said, okay, I pulled out my wallet and I handed him a hundred bucks. And then he looked at me and I thought, and he said, it was a hundred and fifty. I said, you're totally right. Here's the other thing.
Thank you. Thank you. I do want to defend myself a little bit. I've never been to a guy before, and I did think their story was legitimate.
I truly, I know this is crazy to think now, but I thought you were worth throwing one of us a bone and just not to say anything. That's what I have. That's what I have. That's what I have.
That's what I have. You don't have to throw you a bone. You need one more piece of meat in your life. You're going to throw me a boneless rip bike.
48 ounces of the side of green corn and, uh, what the fuck? No, I think Jewish fuckers. If you were 300 pounds lighter, you'd be hungry. I worked at the door at the Comedy Store and I stole regularly.
I have no problem at all with it. None. In fact, one time, Lucy came to the show and he said, oh, you have to go to the door, pay in cash. And me and my friends were like, let's just get four tickets ourselves and scallop the shit out of them.
And that's what we did. I made a shitload of money. I like it. I like it.
I like it. I like it. I like it. Dressing green.
I love her con artist. Very interesting. But Darian, you're not really Jewish, right? No.
No. Of course. I don't think so. You are built like a temple.
Thank you. Why would you say yes to I stole the money? Why would you? It's just because I was, I was, I watched how it was you.
Did you steal the money? What money? The king of the Jews are, you should fear us here, everybody. I absolutely love it.
When Ari's around, I get to do any Jew jokes that I want. It's fun. They're open-noted. Darian, so let's talk about it.
What else do you do for fun here in Texas? Tell us more about your life. I also do for fun here in Texas. I get a lot of grip on the addiction.
What kind of, what kind of gambling are we doing? 100% poker and I couldn't play that night because I lost 150 bucks at the door. Nice. I had already had a seat at the fucking table.
I was going to turn it around and you took that away from me. So thank you very much, I appreciate that. Oh, bye. I thought he was going to throw that ball on the bus.
He really did it all. No, he didn't. He got both. He got a job at Rogan's club and got to keep his job there.
I got like a sword I got played tonight. I'm up here just playing Jumanji. You know what I mean? Absolutely.