Hey, this is Redman, and if you are listening to Kill Tony, check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live. Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road.
We always have comedy shows also, so go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirt, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J.
Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff. Go to RyanJEbelt.com.
And last but not least, TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Redman, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hinchcliff!
You guys ready to have the best goddamn nights of your lives or what, huh? Yeah, Redman's here, everybody. Hey, welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose, Yellow Rose. How we feeling out there tonight?
Are you guys ready for this shit? You guys need to wake up a little bit. Do I need to buy everybody a round of tequila right now, huh? All right.
For the first time ever. No, not doing it. But you should do that. You have little pieces of paper.
You can order it. You're going to have a blast. Guys, I'll have a hand for this motherfucking band. Am I right?
I mean, what is going on here? Unbelievable skills and talent. That's the great James Adkins joining us for the very first time on the drums tonight. Michael Gonzalez is out working in show business.
This is the lovely Dean Madness here on bass guitar, everybody. Don't let those glasses fool you. He's blind, everybody. That's the great Paul Diemer on the trombone, and maybe the trumpet, some other stuff.
And that's our good friend Matt Meweling on the electric guitar. Red Van is here. We have everything in place. Before we get started, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now.
Hey, y'all. Indeed, it is Tony Hinchcliffe here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up convi, lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me. Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th. Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th, and the 30th.
Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August, and August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee, making my long-awaited return, September 29th, 30th, and October 1st. All very soon. That's tickets available at TonyHinchcliffe.com, and we'll see you out there.
Hey, y'all. You know, we work, believe it or not, in the comedy business, and let's face it, mental health is a pretty big deal in this industry. We've seen it a thousand times on all levels, from the top to the bottom, and odds are, if you're a fan of the show, you probably have some mental health issues yourself. So when it comes to therapy and psychiatry, getting the help you need has never been so simple.
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It sure is hot out there, folks. And I'm telling you, the middle of Texas was a bad decision. I thought it was hot in California. Turns out, it's a nice, cool little desert.
This place down here is not meant for human civilization. But thanks to Joe Rogan, we're here anyway. And I have to survive. So when I have to stay hydrated in this heat, I go to my trusty bag of liquid IV.
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And, of course, screwball peanut butter whiskey, which makes it all the amazing music that you hear tonight possible. You guys ready to start tonight's show, or what? Austin, I mean, I'm telling you, you guys feel fucking flat compared to a normal Monday. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?
There you go. Have some fucking pride in yourselves, people. It is a goddamn pleasure for me to introduce tonight's guest. This is one of my true comedy store brothers, somebody that I have worked with and been friends with for the last 15 years.
You know him, ladies and gentlemen. He's a fucking icon. This man has been in your life for decades, and now he will be right in front of you. It is the great Pauly Shore, everybody.
Wow. The new movie, Guesthouse, streaming now on all platforms. The host of the Random Rands podcast, Encino Man. In the army now.
Sonny Long. MTV. This is the Weasel himself, the son of Nixie Shore. Pauly motherfucking Shore is here in Austin, Texas.
Test, test. I think they're saying, that's not Pauly Shore, that's Billy Crystal, bro. What the fuck? You know what's fucking weird, dude?
Here's what was fucking weird. It was weird when he said Pauly's gonna be here fucking tomorrow night, and there's like needles. You can hear fucking needles drop. Fuck you, assholes.
That's what I have to say about you. I was in fucking Biodome, bro. What the fuck? Respect.
You know, I was in a motherfucking Goofy movie, dude. I'm on fucking Kill Tony's podcast all the way from Las Vegas right after I did cocaine with O.J. Simpson. Oh.
I don't know what the fuck you guys are talking about. The golden child of the comedy store. The new voice. I didn't even know this.
I thought someone was fucking with me. I found out he's the voice of Pinocchio right now, everybody. Father, I came to be on my own. I got the whole world to see.
Is that a line? It's a gay Pinocchio. Well, gay Pinocchio, come sit next to gay Woody, and we'll have a gay doll off. Thank you for having me, Austin, Texas.
Respect. Respect. Well, we're gonna have fun tonight, everybody. Pauly's done the show quite a few times.
It was born. This show was born out of the comedy store nine years ago. I do believe we're celebrating. Is it the nine-year anniversary of the next week or this week?
It's almost like 16 years for Karatop. I'm just saying. It's been at the Luxor for 16 years. He's nine years, so it's starting to happen.
All right. Let's just go with the comedian. Sorry. Thank you so much.
We might need to go right up to him. This show was born out of the comedy store nine years ago. I started stand-up there 15 years ago, and of course it was created by your mother, the late, great Mitzi Shore, who literally molded stand-up comedy as it is, which led to all this chaos, movies, everything. Roseanne Barr performed here for the very first time a few weeks ago, for the first time in years.
So, that's awesome. Yeah. She was here? Yeah.
Did she have her overalls? What the fuck, bro? She wasn't fucking here, dude. Unless she showed up in her overalls.
Dude, I'm a domestic goddess. No, I'm just kidding. No, of course. She's been living in Hawaii.
Sorry. I just got stoned earlier from your babe, dude. That's it. I don't think, that wasn't a vape, by the way, Pauly.
That was a blunt, my friend. That's what I'm saying. We're giving you the famous pillow of mic droppers. We, since it's a podcast, we always.
I apologize. Joe Rogan's pillow. Rogan does that as well. Both of you guys.
I guess when you're famous for 40 years, you just start throwing my... I just, I moved to Las Vegas, and ever since then, I've been taking in a little bit more stuff. You know what I mean? Cocaine, everybody.
Pauly's on cocaine now. That's what the, I had a feeling when I saw that shirt. That is, uh, that is, uh... I've been hanging out with Diplo too long.
All right, Pauly, you know what's up. A bunch of comedians are here to try to do stand-up comedy, and then we meet them all together. We talk to them. They do a minute of stand-up comedy.
You know their 60 seconds is up, and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up, then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is a bear that's very loud, so that they stop talking. And then I talk with them about their lives. We figure out more about them.
We all meet them together. It's all improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's show, huh? All right.
Well, before I pull a name out of this bucket, why don't we get a minute from one of our regulars, who writes and performs a brand new minute every single week. A very, very hard job to do, a brand new minute to the entire internet and a live audience every week. He makes it look easy. He's celebrating a year as a regular on this show here tonight.
Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.
This is Hans Kim. Hey, what's up, guys? It's an honor to be here on Kill Tony. I know the audience is huge, so there's at least one person out there that wants to fuck me.
And to that person, I say, hello, sir. Please stop messaging me. I will not put on a wig. I love the Kill Tony audience because they're always high on drugs all the time.
The only drugs they're not on are Moderna or Pfizer or Johnson or Johnson or Johnson. Let's go invade the Capitol. Oh, shit. You guys fell for the second time.
But I love Texas. My new home. I get nostalgic whenever I see the shape of Texas out there in the world somewhere. And that's why I think I would suck to be homesick from Colorado because it's a rectangle.
Oh, look. A table. A door. A piece of paper.
Reminds me of my home. Thank you. Yes. Hans Kim saying fuck you to the listeners in Nebraska.
I love it, Hans. How are you? I'm doing great. Why are you dressed like a video game starter character right now?
It's like what the creative player starts on and then you change them into things that people would actually wear out in public. You're wearing a denim-colored shirt with your jeans. Look at those shoes. Hans, what's going on?
You're richer than ever and your clothes are inside out tonight. What's happening? I just wanted people to focus on my jokes. Oh, well.
Maybe you should dress differently. There's people randomly heckling you. Look at that. A little payback for Pearl Harbor happening right now.
Hans, welcome. That was a fun set. I've seen you do some of those jokes before on actual stand-up sets. That was interesting.
Yeah. I've only been doing arenas lately, so all my jokes are geared for that lately. Wow. So that's new material that you did in arenas before doing on Kill Tony.
Yeah. Right. Except for the Nebraska thing. That wasn't.
There was just one lady laughing at the Nebraska thing. I don't know if I noticed it. She really enjoyed it. She's probably from Nebraska.
Oh, Colorado. Oh, okay. I don't know. Who gives a fuck?
Anyway. Hans, we did a whole weekend in Atlantic City this past. Why is his name Hans? That's a German name, bro.
That is true. That's not cool. I know the answer to this. His parents named him that so that kids wouldn't make fun of him.
So what is his real name? That's a good question. What is your real name? Kim Hung.
Oh. Oh, I like you, dude. Sounds like an Asian porn star. You're my friend, dude.
Kim Hung? I love it. And they're like Hans. They're like, I don't want my kid to get made fun of.
Should we go with Hansel or Gretel? All really cool people, though. Yeah. Yeah, Red Dan got called Jabba the Hutt the whole time.
He's like, stand by me, kid. That's a good reference. Can I say a quick little story? No disrespect, I can say something for a sec.
I don't want to fuck up the rhythm. There's some good rhythm here. Well, you're over-acknowledging whatever you're about to say a little bit. I'm just trying to say I love Asians.
But besides that, my best friend in school was named Sam. In first grade, he was an Asian, and I used to trade him tuna-free sandwich for his bao, bro. How fucking dope is that shit? Do you guys know what a bao is?
What's a bao? It's a fucking doughy thing with meat in it, and it's dope as shit. I'm just saying, you remind me of my friend Sam. Sorry, no disrespect.
No, you are right. Bao is delicious, and tuna fish sandwich that was made by whoever your maid was at the time when you were a kid. Your mom, Mitzi was not making you tuna fish sandwiches, bro. No, it was Suni and Ted, my Asian.
I have a very long Asian history. No, because the Thai managers at the store have always been Asian. So I'm just saying, I love Asians. It started with my mom.
I know you love Asians. It sounds like I did a year ago after my trouble that I got into right now. I want to touch his face and put Vaseline around his eyes. There's a certain part.
Can I or no? Like he's a fighter? Can I please? Do you have any Vaseline I want to put him around his eyeballs?
You did get blessed with the 12th round boxing match Asian eyes, Hans. I mean, there are levels to this. There really is. How much can you open those if you wanted to?
Whoa, look at that. Oh, sauna, sauna. He only makes that face when he sees a really hard math problem. What?
Ah, shit, Hans. I love it. And yeah, another solid set. You have Pauly Shore fan?
I mean, this is the real deal. You're sitting in front of Comedy Store royalty right now, so. Is there anything you want to say to Pauly Shore? With him right here in front of you?
Pauly, I honor and respect you, and I would love to go to the Comedy Store. Get on your fucking knees, bro, if you're going to do this shit. She's taking it on her fucking knees and do it. She's going to do it.
You know what I'm talking about. Oh, shit. I think Pauly just found who he's fucking tonight, everybody. That's how it happens.
He just christens him. I love it. Pauly, you're a man of respect and honor and you're known the world over for your longevity and your skill and craft and you're a consummate showman and you're really out there doing it and I really respect you and I want to be taken under your wing as a toodle to people. I'm taking him to Red Rose later to get him a lap dance.
Oh, shit. That's how I'm rolling this shit. Oh, shit. We got some blonde pussy in your face.
You know what? Just for... I think the apologies were so good. Not only that, but I'm going to have Hans give you his bow.
Yeah. You don't even have to give him a tuna fish sandwich. There it is. I was talking about the food, but yes, I guess you guys do that too.
I forget. There's so many interesting things that you Asians do. What was that noise? Did you get a new noise over there?
This soundboard never changes. I never heard that one before. What was that? I love it.
I'm with D-Madness on this. The nuke alarm, it's called. Those are the cars that were around when Pauly Shore was a child. Oh, Hans.
That's not cool, dude. That's not cool, dude. We actually have that noise. You're not a friend, dude.
Why would you say... Pauly, your taxi's here. All right, all right. It's not a phone call, Red Band.
All right. We'll get some fun later. We'll get some fun. Yeah, absolutely.
100%. Hans Kim, great set. Way to get the show started. There you go, Hans Kim.
He is Hans Kim, everybody. He just set the bar. A random bucket of strangers thinks they can accomplish. A lot of these people are amongst you in the audience.
A lot of them are over there. Some are local legends. Some people flew in hoping to get pulled out just for this minute. Thanks for your first comedian tonight.
It is Melissa Diaz. Melissa Diaz is first here. Here she comes, everybody. Put your hands together.
One more time for Melissa. Hey. I'm a recovering extrovert. That's when you go around and you think you're a real people person.
Then you realize you've got a drinking problem. Figure that shit out. I had my first orgasm until I was 26. Technically 23, but I don't count that because I thought I was fainting.
So, I don't count. But yeah, a lot of women in late 20s, early 30s that's their first time which means statistically a lot of women will pay off their student loans before they come for the first time. It's crazy. Right?
You don't have to nervously laugh. It's a joke. You're never going to pay off your student loans. Just go run away.
Guys are different. They come when you're young. It's like you're 12. You bump into a couch.
I think a lot of grandmas wrap their couches in plastic. So, you know. That's what I had planned. Hell yeah.
59 seconds. Melissa Diaz. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, right?
Yeah. Hell yeah. You're fantastic. How long have you been on stand-up?
Oh, wow. Seven years. Absolutely. That's perfect.
That's how hard this is. That's what seven years looks like. I would have guessed. No, that's a compliment.
He's being mean. He was saying that's a good time. That's how long you have to be doing this to fill a minute with laughter. Am I wearing a helmet right now?
What's happening? No, you're doing great. Trust me. You just haven't seen anybody other than Hans Kim pulled out of the bucket yet.
What you did was fantastic. Thanks. Compared to what normally happens up there. Which is especially hard to do because you have like protester energies.
You know that? I feel like you march a lot. Now it's that I'm Puerto Rican. That's just the look.
You know, it's like you're a cop, you're a protester, you're like the nurse at the website, you know? I feel like you might have bumper stickers on your car. Am I correct? No, I don't.
Oh, really? I just have a shit in Korea so the paint is peeling. What's in your purse? Oh, shit.
A bumper sticker. Well, okay. Here's one thing I have that is really on brand as a Kindle so that's one thing. Respect, respect.
Do you have like postcards in there for some shit or what? I got like butt wipes. Whoa. I get it.
I'm out a lot, so a mirror thing. Oh, cocaine. There you go. Looks like Polly found another girl he's having sex with tonight.
Look at that. Whoa, whoa. Where's your horn, bro? What the fuck, dude?
That little weasel. It's gonna be loose tonight. Melissa, seven years in the stand-up game. What do you do for work?
That's kind of complicated but I'm a developer which is me and my boyfriend run a scam where I pretend to be a developer and then he does the work until he doesn't feel like it anymore and then I get fired and then we do it again. Onlyfans is the answer there, everybody. For those of you that couldn't keep track, Onlyfans is the answer. Well, Onlyfans is the answer I just want to know.
I don't want to be mean or anything. Not at all. But just as a choice. So you brought the purse on for what reason to do your shit with the purse?
I didn't want to live in the pit with all these people. Really? She's correct. That is the correct decision.
So you think the girls, you don't have any friends here that you could just say, yo, I'll be up for a second and watch my purse? I didn't live here a few months ago. Really? All right.
You guys want to watch your purse? He's like, I got this shit. I got this motherfucking purse. I've lived here two years.
I don't trust anybody with my purse. But just constructive criticism. I would have put the purse here and then done your shit. Yeah, you're absolutely right.
But other than that, you're a very, very funny comedian. A hundred percent. Yeah, great. I love it.
Great. What are you reading on your Kindle right now? What are you reading on? You don't want to tell me?
That's how I know that I ask a good question as an interviewer, if you don't want to tell me. That's perfect. That would set me up to do jokes in a comedy show. I'm reading a book on economics from Adam Smith, who's like this 18th century Scottish economist.
Wow, what a fucking dork you are. I mean, Jesus, why would you tell me that? I'm sorry. What were you thinking?
No, I'm kidding. I should have just said porn. Let me ask you this. Have you ever been out and about?
You Kindle a lot? You're a Kindler? Kindle, yeah, I do. Well, it's really good for stuff like this.
Right, exactly. Read while an amazing live show is happening right in front of your eyes. Thank you so much. Now I know we need to get yonder bags for the Kindles.
I hadn't thought of this before. Have you ever been reading your Kindle The Battery Goes Dead and you look over at someone with a book and you're like, fuck them. All the time, yeah. With their never-ending Kindle.
The Kindle that never dies. I mean, technically, I could just go on my phone, but that's like LED lights. I would respond in this conversation but I don't fucking read, bro. I just don't read, period.
So I'd like to say, oh, da-da-da-da, or da-da-da. I don't read. I just watch Fox News. I don't read either.
Yeah, half the time I'm not reading, I just don't want to make eye contact. For those of you that missed it, D Madness said that he doesn't read either. He's literally... Us talking about Kindles is like hot death to him.
Did you really, like, one time lose your... or had an orgasm and thought you were fainting? Yeah, I really did. Wow, look at that.
And it was a good one, too. It was like one of those vaginal ones. It's like unicorns, you know, where it's like not dilling, it's like actual penis. What did it take for that to happen, if you don't mind me asking?
I don't know, and it's gone forever. Wow. Can we get down to business for a second? Yeah, absolutely.
Can we get down to fucking business? So let me tell you something. You're a very funny comedian. Are you going to take it serious or are you going to let this guy sponge off you your whole life?
What guy? The fucking guy you said is your boyfriend. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, I'm kind of sponging off you, really.
No, no, no. You're a genius. You're great. Holly thinks this guy might be holding you back.
Do you get out a lot? Do you get to do a lot of stand-up? Well, I think I'm from the Bronx. You're a great farmer.
I'm learning how to drive here. Oh, shit. Yeah, I think I see you every time I'm driving around now that I think about it. I'm back in person.
I swear to God, the worst drivers are here in Texas. I can say whatever. Any doubt? I have done my research.
I travel the country every weekend. I'm in a different city. I lived in L.A. for 15 years.
There is a fucking thing here, and I'm going to change it. I am the face of change for the roads here in Texas. I'm going to start it right here tonight, right now, in this moment. Yes, please.
Thank you. I like that. Right now. If you're in the left lane and you notice anybody passing you on the right side at all, you need to get over.
One lane, at least. Preferably all the way. There is no no one goes faster than you, and if you're with a friend that thinks that way, you tell them not to do that anymore, and also, you talk with them about it. If you notice that you're in the left lane, you go, why are we over here?
If we're not passing, you need to start this. I want it to spread like the coronavirus. Can Tony get an amen? Thank you.
Thank you for that drum. Really, I wasn't even going to do it until I heard the drum thing. And turn singles. Eh, nobody really cares about this.
Just stay the fuck out of my one lane. That's where my car goes. The other lane's for the peasants. That's where you'll be.
And you'll get to see me pass you by. You'll know that that's where I'm... Because right now, you don't know what side I'm going to pass you on. Usually, it's the right side.
Far three lanes over. This fucking place is a shithole. They also need to tear down every single highway and redo it, because I don't know what the fuck's going on here. Joe Rogan fucking lied to me, dude.
That's what happened. Joe's like, move out here. It's heaven, bro. I'm like, what?
Like, is that the driver's... Now he has a fucking motorcade. They shut down freeways for Joe. Meanwhile, I'm out here with you fucking gooses.
This fucking chick out here with fucking... Just learning, sorry! Like, what? What?
Horrible place to learn, by the way. It's awesome. Yeah, it really is. It's bad all the way around.
But then again, I mean, where do you learn in Los Angeles? You know what I mean? Really, any good civilized city is hard to learn driving in. Yeah, there's traffic all the time.
How long have you been in Texas? About five months now. Five months, absolutely. Red Band, what do you think about this?
Anything? If you're around next Thursday, I would love to have you on the secret show. Whoa! There's a big, brand-new joke book made by the great Bonsai with real Texas letter.
A fantastic set, Melissa. Welcome. Come back, Simon. We'll hear you in another minute again soon.
There goes Melissa Diaz. Maybe we'll have to edit that whole long, stupid traffic thing out because what does that mean? Nothing. I don't need the rest of the country knowing that my city is embarrassing when it comes to being in the left lane.
But it doesn't change, so I'm going to have to keep doing it. So you guys are all going to tell your friends, right? You're going to think of me when you're in the far left lane? All right.
Make some noise for Jack Flug, everybody. Jack Flug is here. Oh, shit. He's got some fans in the room.
The comedians are going wild for Jack Flug. One more time for Jack, everybody. Come on. Hey.
I went skydiving to get over my fear of having a guy strapped to my back. Yeah. I met this army girl, and she had the biggest thigh gap. Her leg was blown off in Iraq.
You are all bad people. I think the best time to try meth is when you're a baby. Because you're going to lose your teeth anyways. Wow.
Jack Flug coming in. Unbelievably great. Perfect, perfect jokes. Pauly, sure.
Just out of curiosity, because I haven't been here in a while. They're all good comics. Yeah, so far. But no, Austin, you guys are doing awesome.
I haven't been here in a year and a half. These are legit comics. You're hilarious, bro. Let's see if you're saying that in eight minutes when there's another human on stage.
This is like, we're getting very lucky here, Pauly. Yeah, yeah, no, this is good. Shit, I'm sorry. What's really happening is that the talent here in Austin people have arrived and are just randomly getting pulled out of the bucket.
Right, Jack? Is this your first time on the show? I was on like a year ago. Okay, all right, very good.
Well, welcome back. I love it. How's comedy been going for you? It's been great.
I love you, Austin. How long have you been doing it? I've been taking it seriously for a year. Right, uh-huh.
How many years did you take it not seriously? Two in college. Okay, so you're that young, fresh out of college. Yeah, I'm 24.
24, wow. Look at that. You could play any age. You're a young buff.
You could be a young grandfather for all I know right now. You did? When you say nothing, like really nothing? Yeah, like they teach you.
Like there's not one thing you fucking learned. They teach you like how to learn. Just stop. Tell us one thing you learned.