Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates, you can come see us live.
Every Monday, we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road. We always have comedy shows also, so go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have a Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv.
Ryan J. Ebelt, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does, and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch of stuff.
Go to RyanJEbelt.com. And last but not least, TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything Golden Pony. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas.
For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get out going, Tony! Austin, Texas, are you ready to have the best goddamn July 4th of your lives, huh? Yippee! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody.
We're doing the show for nine years and one month together, every single goddamn Monday of our lives. And this is it. You're at it. Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose.
Two amazing local companies, how about a hand for them? And also, of course, Deep Eddie Vodka, the best vodka in the goddamn world, made here in Austin, Texas. And how about a hand for the band, everybody? They are the real deal.
That is, indeed, the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony band. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Muelling on guitar. Paul Diemer on the horns tonight.
And, of course, the great Deep Madness on the bass, everybody. We're doing this shit. An action-packed show for you. Incredible stuff going on.
Before we get it started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors of me. Tonight's episode available for you for free here right now. Hey, y'all. Indeed, it is Tony Hinchcliffe here, telling you that I am back out on tour with my stand-up commie.
Lugging a bunch of my funniest friends with me. Tampa, Florida, July 15th and 16th. Houston, Texas, July 28th, 29th and the 30th. Dallas, Texas, the 12th and 13th of August.
And August 26th and 27th, San Antonio, Texas. Nashville, Tennessee, making my long-awaited return September 29th, 30th and October 1st. Tickets available at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And we'll see you out there.
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You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Boy, oh boy, you guys came to a fucking good one tonight, an action-packed show. And this is the return of a couple of my favorite comedians on planet Earth all the way from New York City. Make some noise for my friends, Luis J.
Gomez and Aaron Hur. Wow. Wow. From New York City, absolutely.
Luis J. Gomez, one of the founding members of the Legion of Skanks, the Real Ass Podcast. Aaron Berg and him are on tour. The Offend Everyone tour is going on everywhere.
Get tickets at lewisofskanks.com. Welcome, guys. Thank you. This is Aaron Berg's first time here on the show.
Very excited. Look at how happy these people are. This poor guy doesn't even know where he is. And the great Luis J.
Gomez is back, everybody. The Puerto Rican rattlesnake. Fuck you. Fuck you, Watson.
You make me sick. The Caramelized Onion, dude. I don't know why. Every time I come up here, I look out in the face of this crowd and they just make me angry for some reason.
I'm going to take it out on all these people in the bucket tonight. What the fuck, dude? Look how happy these migrant workers are. Yeah.
This is quite the interesting table over here. I believe that's considered a caravan, I do believe. El Salvador, perhaps. We're going to have fun here tonight.
Luis, you've done the show a thousand times. We've famously have done every stank fest. We do this damn thing every time you're in town. Always a blast to have my New York brothers out here.
You guys know how it works. A bunch of comedians do 60-second long sets uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which is really just a loud annoying noise that cuts them off from talking any longer if they go over their time.
You guys get it? After that, I interview them and we make jokes and figure out more about what makes that person interesting. We pull out of a random ass bucket. You guys get it?
You see how the show works? You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? Huh? I really think you guys can do better than that.
Are you guys ready to fucking do this shit tonight? There you go. Let it out. Let it out.
Get more drinks. We're in for a fucking crazy show tonight. A lot of special guests are here. A lot of special treats.
But we're going to start it the best way we know how. With the most consistent fucking killer. I mean, this guy. I was just with him.
We did 19,000 people at the MGM Garden Arena on Friday night. The center of the arena. In the round. This guy went out and got the fucking thing kick-started.
This is the one and only Hans Kemp. This is Hans Kemp. What's up? If you couldn't tell, I'm single again.
I'm back to liking Instagram posts. I learned through Instagram stories that I'll start at anything for 15 seconds. As long as a hot girl told me to. I was in Las Vegas.
I was hanging out with an Instagram thought. Like I do. From the request. And she took forever to get ready.
I was like, just because we're in the Mandalay Bay doesn't mean you have to be a Mandalay Bay. Oh shit. Okay. I'm an arena comic.
Please relax. You know what really makes me sick? It's all these old and fuckable losers making laws about how young, sexy people like myself can fuck. Okay?
I can't wait to be that old again. Or old for the first time. So I can make it illegal to have sex better than me. Missionary only.
And don't use your hips. So that's illegal. All right. That's my time.
Thank you. Hans Kim has arrived. What a way to get the show started. Some real good energy there at the top.
And then a good finish there at the end. But I mean, I think we all remember that Mandalay Bay part really. More than anything. Really.
Just get out there. What were you trying to do there? A little Mandalay Bay pun. At least you gave it a shot.
But you're saying like she's a bay? Like a bay. Man-too-lay? Like a bay that delays men.
Like a Mandalay Bay. Oh. Mandalay Bay. It's like we all got it at the same time there.
That's how you should do it. Start the joke over. Do it like that. Hey.
Okay, Mandalay Bay. Come on, let's hear it. Let's see if it works this time. I was hanging out.
She took forever to get ready. I was like, just going to the Mandalay Bay doesn't mean you have to be a Mandalay Bay. Wow. Look at that.
Where's the fireworks? Give me some fireworks there. I need fireworks so badly. You can't find them?
No. All right. Because I think they're only clapping because if you heard that at a real show, no one would fucking be happy. No shit.
Right. Welcome to another episode. I was trying to play the cricket song. You messed me up.
Very good. Okay. Those are the best jokes when you get to explain them and then repeat them. Yeah.
That's what I'm saying. He's the absolute best over here. Dressed like an Asian John Wick tonight. I love it.
Do you normally dress like this? No, this is my first. Or second time. Second time.
You just wear this. This is a new thing. I'm going to wear a fucking dope suit. Yeah.
Is it the same suit that Joe Rogan bought you? Yes. Yeah. He literally wore it Friday night, Saturday night.
Did you wear it last night? No. No, you took a night off. Yeah, I took a night off.
I heard some rumors that he acted up a little this week. He had a very... His ego has arrived, everyone. The young boy has done a few arenas now and he's getting a little bit chippy-choppy or something like that.
Showing up late to the car. He forgot his suit at one point, so he had to run back. Literally, he's holding up an entire two SUVs of a high-level... I mean, we have a police motorcade and everything and everybody's like, we're just waiting for Hans.
That's so weird that an Asian guy is horrible with laundry. That is wild. Too soon. Sorry.
His cleaning is drier than his jokes. I love it, Hans. Very, very good. Wait, are we not allowed to be racist against Asians in this round?
No, you are. Come on, Austin. The Mexicans love it. Absolutely.
Here, watch. I got one. I got one. Not only is he dressed like a reservoir dog, he'd also eat one.
Thank you. Starring in the new movie, Men in the Brack. Galaxy, Duff and Duff. I love it, Hans Kim.
So, you were in Vegas all weekend. It was the weekend of your life, right? Yes. Best weekend you've ever had in your life.
Uh-huh. Right. And you're walking around in a $3,000 suit that you cannot take off. What else?
What are some other highlights of the weekend? I bought my black roommate watermelons and she refused them. Whoa. Wait.
Why'd you say it like that? Because I forgot. It was on accident. I was like, she likes fruit.
She was like, get me fruit. So I was like, who doesn't love watermelon? You said watermelons the first time you said it. Yeah.
Which, by the way, I don't think anybody has ever had multiple watermelons at the same time. How many watermelons did you give your... It was all chopped up, so they were individual. Did you do it with your hands?
He did it with his bear Hans. Super. Super. I have to do that joke every three weeks.
It's automatic. So, I love it. Watermelon. How much watermelon did you give your black roommate?
Did you give her any other fruit at all whatsoever? No, it was just an H-E-B carton of watermelon. Wow. Did she return the favor by giving you a box of rice, perhaps, or something like that?
Like some type of stereotype right back at you? She just refused it and, you know, did it by... Speaking of stereotypes, we eat continuously, believe it or not, on these trips with Joe Rogan, who brings basically bags of meat along with him everywhere he goes. His name is Brian Redman.
Yeah. The old meat bag Redman. Jesus Christ. Bag of meat Redman.
I love it. And Hans, before we went to lunch one of the days, walked across the street in Las Vegas, about 110 degrees. This is early afternoon. You remember what I'm getting out here?
And he was wearing... What were you wearing? This. This suit.
110 degrees. Las Vegas, Nevada. He has to walk all the way across an actual street, which if you know Vegas, you know that's pretty weird, to let him be out during the day just crossing the street. And where were you going?
In that suit at about 12.30 on Saturday afternoon. The local Panda Express. It's not me. It's him.
That's racist against you, dude. I know. Look at my ego going to Panda Express. Yeah.
Absolutely. Writing Mandalay Bay jokes. I love it. Very charming, Tony.
He is, right? He's got a great set of teeth. It looks like Matt Dillon's teeth from Something About Mary. He's got really big teeth and a big smile, even though his parents are probably so disappointed in him for not being a doctor.
You know? I was really happy. They're happy that I was racist to my black roommate, so that's pretty Asian. Hans was misbehaving all weekend.
I had to stop him from... He was shadowboxing during the UFC fights. He got a little too excited and started shadowboxing in the corner. It was very, very awkward.
Yeah, it was super weird. He was like... He caught me. He was all by himself.
Oh, did you film it? No, I didn't film it. I literally go, Hans, what the fuck are you doing? And he's like, I'm shadowboxing.
I'm excited. I'm like, stop immediately. It was actually shadow karate. Oh, okay.
All right. There was a little delay. There was a man delay there. Wow.
It wasn't funny. Hans, you are a legend. It is absolutely incredible to get to watch you live your dreams here. I remember the last time that Louis was on the show was one year and one month ago.
It was our return episode of the little couple week delay we went on in May of last year and you came back singing the National Anthem to start the episode. And one week later, I made you a full-time regular and here we are a year later and you have arenas, theaters and everything under your belt. You've taken the ball and you ran with it and he still is in a $3,000 suit. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has the same tailor as Conor McGregor now.
That is Hans Kip. Thank you. To the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. This is where we get to all meet somebody together.
All at once. Make some noise for your first comedian out of the bucket tonight. They may have traveled from a bar land. They may have been waiting months for this moment.
Their name is Evan Suarzo. To get tonight's show started. Evan Suarzo. You guys excited to be here tonight?
What's going on, guys? Holy shit. So, apparently, over the weekend, a guy in Cleveland, unfortunately, got shot upwards of 90 times by the cops. And it's terrible, but the more I thought about it, I was like...
If you're gonna shoot him 90 times, you might as well make it 100 because when you read the title on the news It's like cops shoot unarmed man 90 times like holy shit. That's a lot like us terrible But you read cops shoot unarmed man over a hundred times. You're like god damn. That's a lot of fucking a lot of shots Suarzo I'll tell you the guy that got shot 90 times by the cops died a faster death than you did All right.
There's no doubt about that. Oh my goodness. I wish somebody would shoot me 90 times right now Please oh my goodness. Well, I know we love you to welcome hack Efron.
How are you? I love it Look at you. This your first time to try and stand up. Yeah, okay.
Where are you from? What are you doing? I'm from the Virgin Islands. I just moved here like a month and a half.
Virgin Islands. That checks out Pretty rough life growing up white in the Virgin Islands, right? You see how humor has gotten them through everything My father's yacht dealership giggles at these jokes 90 times They should have shot him more ten more You're going places gay face. I think it's time for you son.
It's time for you to go sign up. We'll kill Tony Go to Austin. Daddy's bought you a two-bedroom condo. Have fun and live this dream We shall not wait any longer.
Our man delay has been long enough Evan Suarzo So let's talk about it born and raised on the Virgin Islands your whole life you've been there most my life I lived in New Orleans for a little while. Okay, what ethnicity are you? You look like a Han skin got plastic surgery or something like that I get like people think don't tell me what's funny. You son of a bitch No, I'm so I'm half white half Spanish Spanish Spanish, okay, so Virgin Islands.
Wait, how old are you? What do you do for work? I do videography and I bartend. Oh, okay.
It's the funniest bartender, you know Yeah, yeah, just serving up those shots like a police officer He did one joke and the only joke was about some dude being shot to death 90 times. He's like dude, this is gonna be hilarious Yeah, no punchline. It's really sad news Why do you read the paper like this with your hand? Why did the chicken cross the road because the polar ice caps are melting?
It's just sad jokes Not an abortion Sad topical jokes with no punchline This could be your thing dude. You could be the unfunny comedian. This is very exciting. This could be your fucking bread and butter dude I love it.
What else? Do you have any other second ideas for something to talk about? I don't know How many of you want to hear the second joke, huh? I know I do Let's hear it, dude.
This could be the fucking one Especially with all this hype behind it. And Dean Madness has his ears plugged I mean, this is just, you know, you know You can get redemption right now. Let's hear the second joke Here he is, ladies and gentlemen. Sponsored by Lululemon.
Here he is. Evan Suarzo So, statistically, there are about 6,000 deaths What the fuck, dude? What the fuck? There's about 6,000 deaths every year from people slipping and falling in the shower And 5,000 5,000 of those deaths are actually in prison Because there's soap all over the floors That's the joke Holy shit Hold on.
Repeat that punchline one more time. Just the punchline Just the end one more time There's soap all over the floor There you go That's fucking horrible Did you hear about those 5,000 prisoners that time? Hilarious Ah, Evan, you're such a good boy Time to go to Texas for you This Tony fellow knows nothing You tell Antoine to call me direct with my weird digit number in the Virgin Islands Just dial plus 416659 And then the number You tell him to tell the concierge to ring me directly You're goddamn funny. That's why your mother and I never fuck Evan, that's two hours though So what are your big life goals?
Like, what's going on here? What's the plan? You're out there, you're bartending, you're 25 Do your parents have high expectations of you? What does your Honduran father do in the Virgin Islands?
Oh, no My dad died, actually Do you have any good news at all? Actually, that's joke number three Yeah What air horn? His dad died because he heard him do stand-up comedy once before How did your dad die? Heart attack Heart attack Was it out of nowhere?
Was it shocking? Yes Recently? In 2015 2015, alright So it wasn't because of the vaccination That's good 2015 And how about your mom? How's your mom doing?
What's the story there? My mom shot a black guy 90 times yesterday She's a cop in Akron Tell us something good about Mama Bear Mom's good, mom's good She's retired Any cancer scares or anything like that? Actually, yes, but she's got to take care of Wow, look at that Very good, absolutely A little skin cancer, no big deal Just a little nick You know what I mean? That's the old touch of God right there Okay, Evan, do you have any special skills or talents of any kind?
None So, I don't know if this counts But I can throw a piece of food really high up in the air No fucking way, are you serious? Hey I don't know if I can do it now No, no, you're definitely fucking doing it now, buddy I got bad news for you This is Kill Tony Does anybody have a knife? Can I get a small food, please? Why is it food?
I haven't tried it with anything else Can you do it with a little bottle of clear eyes? Hey, what do we got over there? Where's that? Oh, it's a snack bag Hello, lady Okay, that's a security brief Way to go, security It's so gross What's that?
Are those grapes? Bring them up here, let's go No, give me this, give me this That's a lot of lights I don't know Give me this, that's just frightening That's disturbing This lady brought a bag of cheese and olives That's disgusting I love that we lock phones up But this stays out somehow Oh, come on in, olives and cheese, welcome Anybody care for a charcuterie ziplock? Oh, yes This is how they pack Wait, wait, wait, wait Let me get a fucking I know you hate jokes But let me get one more in This is how they pack a kid's lunch In the Virgin Islands Eat your pepperoni and gouda No bread for you, gay face Ladies and gentlemen This is a man who's indeed said That his talent is being able to throw food Way up in the air And catch it in his mouth Ladies and gentlemen Can I get something for Evan Suarzo, everybody Here we go Oh, give him another grape Give him another one Just give him one Here he is Giving it a shot here Oh, your father would be so disappointed Oh Wow Wow My goodness gracious We finally We finally found your calling Evan Suarzo Thank you so much for coming on the show Congratulations Your first time ever doing stand-up How do you feel? I feel great Okay, there you go Evan Suarzo Take a little joke book You earned it You ready?
Can you catch it in your mouth If I throw it? Ready? This will be historical if you nail this I'm a good thrower So don't fuck it up Okay, want to arc? Ready?
Here we go Ah, damn it Maybe next time Evan Suarzo, everybody There he goes Alright Back to the bucket we go It's time for Jeff Taylor, everyone It is the Kill Tony appearance of Jeff Taylor Straight out of the bucket I do believe this is his first time I normally remember a name if I see it More than once Here comes Jeff Taylor, everybody Make some noise for Jeff, everyone 60 seconds, uninterrupted What is up, Austin? Let's get it going I had a girl tell me that cum tasted like uncooked ramen noodle Very specific thing This tells me a couple things, though First off, I can surely afford this date Secondly Secondly, if she does, in fact, like ramen noodle I'm going to get my dick sucked But I need to know Are we talking about with or without the seasoning packet? Because if your stuff is smelling or tasting like shrimp bouillon, fellas You need to see a physician right now No lie Also, I have other questions Like am I ever going to wake up with my butt cheeks sewn together next to you? There are no illogical questions at this point, I don't think Is that, uh, good?
Uh, I timed that No 57? 58? 59? You hear that?
Yes, sir Jeff, did you allot for, like, laughter in that when you wrote it or something? Hey, pause When I got up here, it went so much faster You're goddamn right it did, didn't it? Hell yeah, absolutely Jeff, welcome First time doing stand-up? Yes, sir Wow, absolutely incredible How old are you about?
42 42, and what made you want to start here now, tonight? Man, I've always kind of wanted to do it And this show kind of pushed me over the edge I found it a few months ago Love it, where are you from, Louisiana? No, Tyler, Texas Tyler, okay, almost to Louisiana How far from Louisiana? Uh, it takes me an hour to get a boat Wow, okay Get a good old boat, so we know about that shit What do you do for work, Jeff?
What do you drive for a living? Very, very boring Read and analyze legal documents all day, every day for 15 years You're the legal document guy where you're from? Well, I do it all over Texas Yeah Goddamn, that's incredible, Jeff 42, you have a family? What have you been doing?
No, man, not married, no kids, divorced once Never doing that shit again Right No, that goes Right, right, right Why do you want to do a divorce again? That rules Oh, right Yeah, yeah, divorce is our worst Whatever the fuck they call us, that's for sure Jeff, you're a very, like, normal human being This is interesting It's salt of the earth, this guy, for sure The timing there, it really proves that old saying Time flies when 250 people aren't having fun You're not lying Yeah, it goes fast I mean, considering that he's never done it before I thought he was honestly, like, a 10-year road hack That's what the energy I'll take that Yeah, going up after Evan Suarzo, everybody seems like I was praying that my name got drawn Oh, shit If you feel a great hit the back of your head later, I'm telling you You know who it is Jeff, what have you been doing for fun for the last 42 years? Oh, my God Storming the Capitol Yeah, that's the vibe I'm getting, for sure Pissing on legal documents You heard this Roe v. Wade thing?
Man, I've traveled a lot Work used to take me all over the place But I'm traveling, Hawaii Ooh, Hawaii? Okay What type of fun things did you do in Hawaii? Oh, God, man, we literally did everything possible We went swimming Very little of that We went to a luau A lot of sightseeing I'd skip the touristy crap wherever I go for the most part I threw my ex-wife into a volcano Don't I fucking wish You've been single for a while now Do you get out and date? Where do you find women at?
What a charming way to call yourself a loser I think this guy I'm newly I used to not be a loser Has a whole bunch of awesome sayings, probably You know, like I just masturbate like a goldfish Swimming upstream in a toilet Once a night when I go to bed, that's it That's it When you live in Far East Texas, that's all they do Oh, yeah, that masturbate and eat crawfish That's it That's what I always say God damn, it fits That's a bumper sticker It fits like a glove of oil You know what I mean? My wife or new boyfriend Dick fits inside of her Like a glove going on O.J. Simpson's hand At the end of the trial Wait, that didn't fit That shit was bloodier than a guy that got shot 90 times Do you know what I'm saying? Do you have any bumper stickers on your car?
Not a single one Damn So you say that quarantine fit you like an old sneaker What exactly do you mean by that? It was comfy, man You enjoyed it You were chilling at home Yeah, like I said I've been traveling and running around so much for like a decade doing work Right And man, I got to stay home away from family for a decade And I was forced to stay home and hang out with them And decided I didn't hate them Has anyone ever told you that you look like if Tom Segura and Joe Rogan made a baby together? No, but I get that Yep, there it is No doubt about it Jeff, have you ever gotten arrested before? Not once Not once I've gotten away from You do He's not a very spicy guy There's no like fucking depraved weird shit about him He's pretty straightforward, dude I don't want you to call me You don't want me to be a little fucked up to do call me What's a fucked up thing about you?
Yeah, you seem like you would be a good neighbor Yeah, I definitely am No, I mean, fucked up Like, I love the mushrooms That's about it Oh, okay I'll eat the shit out of some mushrooms I did the Hell yeah, those mushrooms will kick in like a diamond rose Here I do I did ten grams like three months ago Whoa What the fuck? My friends in Netherhour just perked up in their seats over there I'm friends with fucking Louisiana jam band over there You just made them hard as a rock Ten grams of mushrooms Are you by yourself at your place? No, I have a friend in the same room, yeah Okay, and you guys ate mushrooms together? We do sometimes How about the time you did ten grams?
I'm asking specifically about that You're so low Right, and so what happens? 20, 30 minutes goes by You eat the mushrooms Where are you? What kicks in? What was the highlight?
I was legit traveling through the universe I don't know Lay down in bed Black out everything Closed eyes I was literally traveling through the universe And the universe was dying And it spit me out As the last thing to save it Outside of it Wow It's mushrooms, guys It's shit My goodness Jesus Alright It's so funny how uninteresting Mushroom stories are We all turn uncomfortable Wildest thing about your entire life A fun fact about you Or your family Or your history You once won a competition Or a trophy or something You did something A radio contest I was really good at soccer When I was younger This is what soccer players look like In East Texas, everyone I look like I ate The former soccer player I was For real Alright, Jeff You are a real guy You're like Larry the Wi-Fi guy Or something like that I'm not exactly sure Congratulations again On your first time At doing stand-up comedy You want to try to catch A little joke book in your mouth? I will Let's try it See, what's weird is I think Jeff will actually do this shit Are you ready, Jeff? Open that thing up for me Here we go Oh, so close Jeff Taylor, everybody There we go This might be the new thing I might throw little joke books In people's mouths from now on So I'm just going to choke and die Alright, enough of these bucketfuls Enough of these first timers Let's get a goddamn We have a very special treat for you The only golden ticket winner To ever win it here in Austin, Texas From Toronto, Canada Literally, the guy Is mentally challenged And is about to decimate Make some noise for Jared Nathan, everybody I'm a result of For being in love Nope Not incest When a 52-year-old man Meet a 25-year-old Slut We're still here Let's get started Hold on, prescription drugs, you get me, I'm an abortion survivor, I'm so happy my mom found out too late, she was pregnant, she was too strong on drugs and missed her own abortion, so I can fuck you up, the drugs saved my life! Jared Nathan with a brand new minute that was absolutely fucking great, you did it again you son of a bitch, you're absolutely on fire, which is something that you like to probably do, so I think it's on fire, yeah, you do like that, right?
Do you remember when you first got to play with a lighter? I lost my eyebrows. Is that true? It can be.
Okay, very good, thank you. Great, great improvisational guru, Jared Nathan. Welcome back to the show, you did it again, another brand new minute, tell Luis J Gomez what's up with you. I'm one fucked up dude.
I saw Jared last night, he did my depraved show, and he fucking absolutely murdered a rabbit that he kept on petting. Ah, I lost it, I'm so sad I lost that rabbit. Jared, you're taking full advantage of this trip again to Austin, Texas, you're thriving here every time you come to visit, you're famously escaping Canada on a regular basis. Eh?
Yeah, that's right, another letter that you never got on a report card. I love him, and I saw him last night too, and he's so Canadian, I mean he's a spinning image of Mike Myers, and you can see the Canadian sense of humor, it's great. Yeah, it's like maple syrup, super slow. Yeah.
And I love the way he says b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-B-b-botion. I think more people would get them if they were advertised like that. It actually took you so long to say the word abortion, that in the time, you wouldn't be allowed to get an abortion by the time you got to the end of it. Um, Jared Nathan, what have you been doing for fun?
I heard a rumor that you went to the Red Rose last night, is that true? There was a sighting of Jared Nathan at the Red Rose, is there any truth to this? Might have been, might have been, might have been. Oh, you're afraid mom's watching right now?
I was able to be able to be able to be able to be. How long were you there? Half an hour. Shut the fuck up.
You're such a liar. I can't believe you're allowed. What are you afraid of right now? How much money did you spend at the strip club?
Not a lot. What is going on right now? I've never seen you. Tony, it takes 15 minutes to come.
To say come. I go bad for whatever your safe word is, Jerry. Vandana. I love it.
Tony. Oh, okay. Call you something. If you pull a gun and shot Tony in the head right now, how fucking hilarious would that be?
Is that a Team Jared shirt? I love it. I love it. Thank you.
There you go. Thank you. Thank you so much. I have a question.
Thank you. I needed something to clean my toilets with, so that's very exciting. He's so fucking funny. Yeah.
He doesn't fit into anything. Where does his career go being that funny? I think that the future is very, very bright for a guy like Jared Nathan. I think that all of these, you know, I mean, I think that, you know, you have to look at the perks of, like, Netflix going woke, right?
Yeah. Because they ran out of other woke comedians that were funny the second that it started. And literally, I think that eventually here, they're going to have to have a board meeting and go, where do we go from here? What's next level?
We need someone more retarded than Hannah Gadsby. Right, yeah. And they're going to be like, whoa, I got a guy more retarded than Hannah Gadsby and actually does jokes. Yeah.
And more feminine. Yeah. Can you imagine people are going to think that their streaming service is skipping? God damn it, the Wi-Fi's going out.
No, it's just another killer setup from Jared. Thank you. Jared's constantly buffering in life. Yeah.
Yeah, I have trouble doing therapy on Zoom. For the string Homeopkins reading my therapist doesn't know if I'm sluttering my computer. It's log in. Okay.
B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-buffering. Buffering. Buffering. Right, 100%.
Very good. You definitely are the dial-up comedian. Without a doubt. You are so consistent.
It's absolutely incredible. Another brand new minute. You do it every single time you're on the show. You're so, so special in so many ways.
We love you. There he is, Jared. All right. Back to the bucket we go.
You've seen what it is. Two first-timers ever so far tonight. That's incredible. Let's see what happens now as we all meet Alyssa Westerlund, everybody.
Alyssa Westerlund. Can I go a Buffalo trace? Oh, yeah. Another bubble of traits on the rocks.
Bubble of traits on the rocks. Right in there. So I don't wear bras. You're welcome.
I don't wear bras people think it's because I'm a feminist, right? But this is not about feminism, okay? This is about social anxiety. I don't wear bras because I hate eye contact.
I don't shave my armpits either. I don't shave my armpits because I'm busy, right? And I'm a ginger. Guys keep asking if they can see my bush.
I call this the preview. So I was topless the other day and I learned that when you're topless, everywhere is a crosswalk. I don't tell people I'm a feminist. I just tell them I'm a cunt.
And honestly, I don't believe in feminism anymore. I feel like it helped men more than it helped women, you know? Because now I have to work and suck dick. I'm not doing both.
Anyway, ladies, so what's the difference between three dicks and a joke? I can't take a joke. Thank you. Thank you.
All right. Alyssa Westerlin is here. Everybody's got to do something nowadays to stand out of the pile. It is incredible to me that Carrot Top has gone trans here.
Oh my God. Carrot Top. Very, very exciting. Welcome to the show, Alyssa.
How are you? This is your first time meeting you. First time, yeah. Where are you from?
I am from Oregon House, California. Oregon and now Northern California? Yeah, Northern California. Yeah, no doubt.
The armpits, check out, everybody. Oregon to California. Oregon House is actually in California. There's 1,200 people there.
Okay. All right. And what do you do for a living? What type of witch's brew do you make or something like that?
I used to grow weed and I've been doing stand-up for a while and I basically have had a gazillion... I haven't had a real job in about a decade. How do you make money? I grew weed for a long time.
That actually used to make money. But how do you make money now? Stop avoiding the question. You obvious hooker.
That's one of the ways. That's one of the ways. You're on the high council of the itty-bitty-kitty-kitty? I won 2017.
Look at that. I love how you shake it out. You're literally all nipples. It's incredible.
It's all nipples, yeah. You walk around topless sometimes? I do. I do.
I drive that way. I walk around that way. It's legal in Austin. You guys are getting it.
There's children, you fucking heathen. What about the children that they look at your weird tits and hair all this? It's the first thing they saw. It'll be fine.
I know. Wow. Okay. So you seem like a very free spirit.
What's your living situation like? Right now, I... What type of Subaru do you live in? I have a...
I drive a Prius and I live in an Airbnb that I rented for five months to see if I like... More like a hair B&B. Am I right, people? It's freaky.
More like hair A&A. A&A, yeah. The take-ups. Come on.
Okay, sorry. Sorry, I'm slow. I call her boobs an AA meeting. See that?
All right. They are very... For those of you just listening to the podcast, they are ridiculously, strangely small boobs. It seems like if she had bigger boobs that they would just be hanging straight down, but they're not hanging.
They're just small enough to not be hanging. Yeah. They're sort of, sort of hanging. It's like a Robin Williams.
You know what I mean? Like a... It's like an accidental... All right.
Anyway, Alyssa, let's talk about it. Yeah. So what else? What do you like to do for fun?
Let's find out about you. I like walking, but it's too fucking hot in Texas. Let's see. I like reading.
I like cooking. Wow. You're just naming things that people like to do while you tell jokes. This is very exciting.
No, I mean, that's what I like to do. I dance every day. I write every day. I used to walk every day.
What type of dancing do you do? Like, you know, just wild... I need music for it, you know, just to get my body. Really?
Wow. All right. This is what the waiting room to hell is like, everybody. Would you?
No, I don't need a green card. No, he needs a green card. Canadian. How much does he pay?
He needs a Canadian... I have a Canadian passport. I mean, I think... I don't know.
My dad said not to do that for less than a million, so... Wow. Look at that. Your dad's got a high price on him.