61: Letting Go of Expectations and Pressure from Others with Lorena

When we are so paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes or failing, we don't develop grit. Grit is what gives us confidence. If we don't have to figure things out on our own we find ourselves paralyzed when making choices as we get older. When parents place too many expectations on their children, their children may grow into adults that don't know what they truly want. If you are a millennial, take the pressure off of yourself to make the right choice and allow yourself to make a mistake. Failure is how you learn. If you are the boss, manager or parent of a millennial, stop making all of their decisions for them. This episode will be useful for ANYONE at any age. Today's caller, Lorena, is having a highly-charged emotional reaction to the circumstances in her life. The pressure of living up to parental expectations is clouding her ability to decide what she truly wants.   ● If you are a millennial and you are having difficulty with your parents, remember you are the child. It is not your responsibility to live up to their expectations. ● If you are the parent of a millennial, it's time to let them go so they can be their own person. Let them make their own mistakes. Stop telling them who they are so they can discover it for themselves. ● If you relate to having a high-standard of achievement, don't let achievement to become your identity. Don't let your self-worth be hooked to your achievements.   People get tripped up when they start with the end game instead of having a vision of how they would like to feel. Sometimes it is just about taking the first step. Consider where you may be holding yourself prisoner by letting someone else define you? How can you step into freedom by defining who you are and making your own choices? Coaches - Lorena's belief system was triggering her emotional response. As you can tell by her response, it was greater than what was necessary for what was really going on. Remember, there is what happens, and then what we make it mean. When working with people you want to honor and hold space for their emotions, at the same time ask questions to shift belief systems. Your goal is not to coddle a person but to get them into their insight.   Consider/Ask Yourself: ● Do you ever feel upset over something you shouldn't be so emotionally triggered by? ● Do you put a lot of pressure on yourself to live up to your own expectations or those of others? ● Have you received a lot of external validation for your achievements, and you constantly crave it? ● Do you feel that you owe someone something, or that you have something to prove?   Lorena's Question: Lorena has recently decided to start over and go back to school to give herself the opportunity to do something greater. But, she doesn't know what she wants to do.   Lorena's Key Insights and Aha's: ● She wants to have an end goal. ● She excelled at academics and was praised for it. ● She feels she doesn't meet her parent's expectations. ● She may be too emotionally upset to reach clarity. ● She doesn't want to end up resenting her parents. ● She appreciates the difference in her life and her parent's life. ● She should use the gifts her parents have given her.   How to Get Over It and On With It: ● She should realize she is the child and she doesn't have to live her life according to their expectations. ● She should express her gratitude toward her parents, plus let them know she needs to make her own mistakes. ● She needs to stand in her own choices. ● She needs to let go of her guilt in order to be free to explore. ● She should write a letter to her parents and ask them to support her. ● She should listen to her inner voice.   Assignments and Takeaways: ● If you are having a difficult situation with someone, write a letter to them, even if it is emotionally charged. ● If you experience heightened emotions, take a deep breathe and ask yourself "What do I know to be true in this moment?" ● What belief systems are you wearing that just don't fit anymore, or are they actually someone else's beliefs?   Sponsor: Audible - Free audiobook download and a 30-day free trial.   Resources: Christine Hassler - Book a session to be on the show! Christine Hassler Podcasts Christine Hassler Free E-book Find me on Snapchat @chrishassler @christinhassler on Twitter @christinehassler on Instagram [email protected] 20 Something, 20 Everything, by Christine Hassler