It's one part the dark half, one part the shining, and one part Stephen Bolacorn. This week on King Me, the most important part of a story is the ending. This is Secret Window. King Me!
Bolacorn Me, baby. Corned by Whis. Did it feel like I kind of whispered the title of the movie? No, I don't think so.
Was I too gentle? No, I think it was good. He's sick or cold enough. Secret Window.
Secret Window. It's like a... Now, if you don't already know, I'm sorry, go ahead. No, I was going to say it's like one of those late night, like not even cinematics, but like USA from the 90s or something.
It's just like someone... Yeah, it's the softest soft core thing. Someone just describing having gotten fingered. Yeah, it's like silk stockings or something.
But secret Window. Def Jam Poetry about light butt play. Secret Window. Yeah, so this is a movie about butt play.
What do you think Secret Window is a euphemism for? It's for the asshole. Right. The eyes are the window of the secret window.
The butt hole is the secret window to the colon. I know. Softly a good start. I'd say so.
Yeah, we started the bar a little higher than we usually do. Welcome to the Kingmee program, the official podcast of Kingmee. I'm Dang Eglie. I'm Rob Avant.
How are you? Yeah, this... How are you? I'm fine.
No, no. You're going to throw a hardball question at me like that right off the top. Yeah, you're telling me how you are. This is hard hitting journalism.
It's like just calling me Sean Hannity. You dragged me by my hair and tear no spin zone. Oh boy. Son of a bitch.
I'm fine. How are you? I'm fine. This has been the gettin' reacquainted section of the podcast.
And the theme song is getting to know you, getting to know all about you. That song. That song. I'm not pulling it.
And I don't think you should either. No, no, no. No. No.
So yeah, no. So let's... Hey, start with, uh, with, uh, hey guys. We have a, we have a Patreon.
If you want. That's what I was going to say. Oh, what were you going to say? I was going to say, um, that, uh, there's a Patreon, of course.
Mm, of course. I, yeah, of course. Everyone should know. But maybe they don't.
So maybe we should tell them about it. So guys, if you want a little extra bonus content every week, we do another show called the Walter Wall Carpenter on our Patreon. Link is in the show notes. And if you donate $5 a month, you get access to that show.
And it comes out every week. And like I said, it's every, it's wall to wall carboner. It's going to be every John Carpenter movie. And what we do last week was Starman.
And this week. Last week with Starman. This is a big trouble. A big trouble in middle China.
Mm, goddamn. Yeah, hot damn. That's a good one. The hits.
Just keep coming. The commercial failures. Just keep coming. Yeah, right.
John Carpenter only makes like cult movies. You can't, you can't make a living doing that. Yeah, a bunch of penniless dweebes will love you. Yeah.
And their entire cast is a bunch of just faces. They're just people with- Like union guys. Yeah, very distinct faces. Very asymmetrical faces.
I was listening to, oh, I forget what show it was. I don't know. I believe Paul of Tomkins was talking about being on Doug Love's movies with Harry Dean Stanton. And I have not heard that, but he described it as the most uncomfortable hour of his life.
I think I've heard of that episode. And it's weird because Harry Dean Stanton has no idea what movies he's been in because he's been in so many. Right. Like he was in- I love that.
He was in The Avengers for a second. What? Why? Yeah.
You know the part it's before like the final- As the size changing superhero's Stantman? Sorry, girl. It's decent. It's all the emergency break for Stantman.
There's a part where Hulk goes on a rampage in The Avengers like flying battleship thing and then he falls down to Earth. And when he wakes up, he's just like, he's Mark Ruffalo and there's a janitor and the janitor is Harry Dean Stanton. And he's got like one or two lines and that's it. It's like- That's insane.
The weirdest little cameo. But weirder than Sylvester Stallone in Guardians of the Galaxy 2. I mean that was more distracting than anything. I still haven't seen that.
Guardians 2? Yeah. Yeah. It's good.
It's got Kurt Russell. Is that all? It's just good. No, it's- I mean I really enjoyed it.
I thought it was a lot of fun. It was a good time at the movies and yeah. Oh, that baby Groot. The baby Groot is adorable.
Oh, you could just try to have sex with him. So cute. Right. Just so cute.
Little Funko Pop-ass. Yeah. Little Funko Pop-Bitch. He little fucking baby tree Funko Bitch.
Yeah. So guys what we're saying is don't need to- Don't need to stick. Bitch. So go ahead.
Singles. Big mother fucker. Yeah, he's a single stitch lily ass, candy ass little baby boy. Yeah.
Guys don't need to our Patreon please. Yeah. And you know what's weird is like the way the two- like the difference between the two shows if you're wondering how to- how two of the same people talking about mostly the same genre of movie could be different. Yeah.
There's like a- we seem to respect that show more. Not even John Carpenter more. Just people's time a lot more. Well yeah, it's- This is a- This is a- won't catch me calling anyone a single-stick bitch on- But the sign off for Walt Wall Carpenter is By Bitch.
Oh yeah. I forget every week and every week I'm delighted to learn. Yeah we do say By Bitch. And it's very, very strong.
So you can do that or if you don't want to do that you know you could donate a dollar. That helps too. Oh yeah anything monetarily guys go give us some stars on iTunes. Write a review and throw us five stars and we'll read it on the podcast.
That'd be nice. Look we've all got five stars. Yeah everybody's got stars to spare. That's right you're a bunch of star men.
Yeah. Hey that's a movie. You're a horny ET. I just listened to Cracked has a new podcast.
It's like a Cracked movie corner or something. And they're taught they just every month they do like a series of movies from one director this month at Steven Spielberg and then we're talking about ET on the last episode. And Starman was actually it was already done. And then like ET went into development and they just shelved Starman.
Like that's what happened. Wow. So like this huge like ET phenomenon happened and Starman was just like fuck. Starman I love the character Starman getting very upset.
Yeah oh fuck. Well also like I don't know it's funny because like John Carpenter did it as a as penance for the box office failure of the thing. And then and then like ET he's like all right I'll make this like very mainstream studio movie and you know that'll be it. And then like ET comes out and fucks that up too.
ET the most famous movie of all time. It's just like ah it's the same thing. Do they fuck? Why not?
Why look why are you gonna make the alien that's sexy if they're not gonna fuck it. Right. The government's chasing ET to try to fuck it. For sure.
That's yeah that's that's what we get into one wall's one. Yeah way fewer it's no stick bitches but one by bitch. Yeah yeah so check that out or give us some stars and yes. Folks give us some stars.
Do you know what happens when you give us five stars? What happened? It was a rhetorical question. I was just catching my breath.
You let that silence hang there for a second. It was a rhetorical question Rob I just fell asleep. When you give us five stars that helps expose us to new listeners in the ITN store. So the more reviews we have, the more five star reviews we have.
Hell the more people who will enjoy the show and then the more fun shit we'll be willing to do because we'll feel like it's worth our time. Guys we just want to expose ourselves to more people. And I don't know there's you know I'm in a routine on any given day so I'm exposing myself to the same people right all the time. Yeah yeah even if you keep your dick out all the time.
Yeah you just you still spice it up sometimes and expose yourself to new I knew who's podcast listeners. Yeah so yeah that's we should mention if you get if you bring review five stars we'll show you our dicks. Yeah I mean I don't know why we even have to say that it should go without saying to do it. It's it's it's podcast culture you know.
Right it's podcast etiquette. That's right the McElroy's do it those fucking McElroy's. Guys I keep forgetting to keep up my fake beef with the McElroy brothers. I didn't know you had a fucking beef.
They're fake or otherwise. Of course I do they're nice. I don't trust how nice they are. So oh I'm sorry.
Would you was I out of line? I mean those McElroy's. Do you listen to any of their millions of podcasts? Uh not really.
No I know I know plenty of people who who recommend them to me. Yeah I mean that they're very popular. Yeah yeah but it's always like the this is not meant as like an insult. Oh boy.
I feel like people no no no no no. I don't mean to be really easy. It's always the glory out it's always the Chinese people I like to recommend it. No.
No I was going to say it's people in my life who are like connected to their emotions seem to really like the McElroy's. I was going to say sensitive which is why I said this I want this to come off as an insult because people it's a word people sometimes use as an insult if they're at the gym. What are you sensitive or something? You're telling me you're too sensitive to lift 300 pounds.
Yeah that's exactly what I'm saying. Do you listen to one of their million podcasts? I don't. I tried listening to the uh the adventure hour or whatever.
The thrilling adventure? Thrilling adventure. That's a different. No that's not them.
Isn't that them? Isn't that them doing like a D&D thing? No thrilling adventure hour is that one written by Ben Acker and Ben Blacker that's like a radio show with like a few different shows in it and Paul F and uh oh my god what can I remember. Oh no wait I'm sorry you're right you're 100% I'm talking about the adventure zone is what I'm thinking of.
Oh oh that has that's the McElroy brothers doing they're playing like D&D and they're so they're whole like it's basically like a session of D&D recorded but with production value so like there's music and like sound effects and shit like that. Cool what kind of sound effects. Cling clang. Whoa that was cool thank you for playing me that clip from their show.
Yeah no problem. I'm glad I had it on the ready for you. I'm glad I had it on the ready for you. What did you listen to?
Yeah oh man you've been playing 3D chess this whole time you're just gearing me toward that drop. I was listening to Chappo Traphouse and they did a two part call of Cthulhu uh that was but it was like about Pizza Gate. Okay like they were that was the storyline but it was also set in the 20s. It was good I'm doing a bad job of explaining why it wasn't terrible.
Is that a good show? I like it yeah okay they're they're a lot it's like uh it's also pretty referential to like very third tier political pundits yeah yeah there's a lot they really know their shit and that makes it hard to keep up sometimes but usually if like I don't know I found that by listening to like two or three of them like more or less was up to speed so you just kind of got to take the plunge yeah pretty good though. Alright. Hell I like it.
Well good is it? Glad you found something you like. Yeah it's the first thing ever. No it's not.
I also like Secret Window. Hey did you like this movie? I liked it more than I was thinking I was going to like it. Yeah it's it's it's a strange one.
It is but there's like there's some shit about it that's pretty fun. Yeah so all right let's let's talk about this movie. Directed by David Coap. Coap Cap Coap.
I don't know. But let's see what else he's directed. Let's see. Stir of Echoes.
Ghost Town with Ricky Gervais. Premium Rush. He looks like a nice guy. Joseph Gordon Levitt.
Bicycle Messenger movie. Wait he wrote Jurassic Park and Mission Impossible and the first Toby Maguire Spiderman? Really? Oh yeah look at that.
Yeah oh wow okay so that's how he got here. And Corollito's Way and Toy Soldiers that's a great movie. Oh geez all right this guy's got got chops. He's got some credits to his name.
What a guy. And he directed Mordecai with Jide Up. Do you really? Man but he also wrote he wrote.
Hold on is this a movie I think it is? Yes the Shadow he wrote the Shadow. Oh that's a weird one. Yeah good good for him.
Yeah so he's more of a writer. Yeah he wrote but he did direct Mordecai like he said. He writes good movies and directs mediocre movies. Premium Rush.
This movie is also it's starring Johnny Depp, John Tatoro, Maria Bello, fucking King alum Timothy Hutton. And then King alum name rhyme Charles S. Dutton. That's right.
Yeah Timothy Hutton being in this movie it was a nod right? It had to be right? Had to be. Although I'm just surprised anyone remembered the Dark Half like 11 years later.
Actually you know what while we're talking about the Dark Half we should. You know what while we're talking about that you know what yeah I got a few things to say too. You go first. Well I would like to say that it was very sad to hear that the director of the Dark Half and Creepshow, George Romero, passed away last week.
Oh my god yeah I forgot he directed that and I'm sorry I cut you off at the past to yell. I'm actually now I'm feeling kind of melancholy. It was just you know some sad news. In recent interviews he basically he said that he wouldn't he couldn't do any more zombie movies because of The Walking Dead and The Walking Dead is not one of my favorite shows and it's just a shame that he wasn't able to do more because of how bad it is.
But he left some fucking great ones. Donna dead is one of my favorite movies. It's so fucking good and weird and like just watchable. I think it really holds up and Creepshow is amazing.
That's a fucking great one. Yeah yeah so we'll shout out to George Romero and back to the show. Well okay. Yes I'm feeling much better now.
I've processed this. Yeah I'm slowly forgetting things I know about George Romero. Good. As is the grieving process.
What is this movie about Secret Wind? I don't know. Secret Windor. I before you get what were you going to do you were gearing up for something.
No I was just going to read the synopsis. Oh okay go ahead. Yeah it's it's about a writer who is accused of plagiarism by a strange man who then starts haunting him for justice in quotation marks. I feel like you don't need the quotation marks.
No I feel like they're almost a spoiler. Yeah yeah yeah this movie is so just densely packed with King Trobes. It's like a chia seed of King Trobes. Yeah it's it is sort of it's just like kind of a mashup of a bunch of Stephen King but he's right.
Yeah yeah yeah there's even there's friggin corn there's blood cores blood corn. And adult braces thank god. I fucking love the adult braces. That's such a weird I don't know that's a weird thing.
Was there anything was he did he talk about braces at all ever? It didn't come up. It never came up. I honestly I didn't realize he was wearing them until the very end for some reason.
Okay and then I was like wait what that to me was the the shocking twist was that he had braces on the entire time. Yeah so Johnny Depp plays the main character Mort Rainey. Mortikai presumably right. What is that movie?
I don't know I thought it was like a master of disguise kind of thing but I honestly you have no idea. You should you should I can't believe you're not more curious. And he's a writer and well the movie opens with him catching his wife in bed his wife Maria Bello in bed with Timothy Hutton. And getting that old Hutton.
Oh my god. So he's a this is a chick going on in his life. He's for in the first scene he has the hair like Kate Gosselin from John and Kate plus eight. That's a that's something he has to reckon with.
Yeah and then so he's like I don't know his life is sort of falling apart and he's trying to I guess write this other thing and he's got severe writer's block and then he gets a knock on the door and it's John Tataro accusing him of stealing his story and publishing it. And he I believe we have a clip. Good morning soy. My name is John Tataro and I was a wanderer if I could have a moment of your time.
Now that's a great yeah that's the accent John Tataro did the whole time. Now Dan you're joking but you're not much much. It's weird. It's like the same voice that he has in Obertha where Arthur like.
Yeah but in that big broad comedy where everyone's from the South it's way less darn. Yeah no here it's very when they do when they pull a main justice and send the guy from the bayou of the East Coast. Sensuty the spiciest bowl of jambalaya. No no no yeah it's he almost like he has that like underbite too like from Obertha where it's like the exact same voice that he's putting on.
Yeah really weird really weird choice because Obertha was a huge movie very very popular and then in this he's just like I'm just gonna do that again. It's like when Mike Myers got castish shrek and he was like what if I just do the Scottish accent some more. Yeah I have a Scottish accent does that work and oh well we were gonna have Chris Farley do this originally. Okay so Scottish Scottish Scottish.
Look I'm not saying it doesn't work it works. Oh it works. Don't K that's iconic. What are you doing in my swamp that's iconic.
It is iconic. I mean that is just name me a more famous line from any movie. I can't. Except well for maybe you know what Lenny give me the paper.
What is that from? That's from that thing you do. Oh yeah. I'll be the candy.
You're funny. Give me the paper. Why don't you go to the cockpit and see if the legend. Why don't you see the legend in the cockpit?
Go go. Yes what an iconic it's it's on one of those a F I lists of the most of the best times you've had at the movies. Yeah those a F I list I don't know if you've seen the most recent one but the the top 10 movie quotes most famous movie quotes and cinema history are all from that thing you do. Yeah.
One of them is I am. Oh did you do that from that thing. Yeah did you see a F I is list of the 10 biggest buckets of popcorn. That was incredible.
That's great. Number seven stunned me. It was just just a little bit bigger than the previous one. Oh god.
Just when you think yeah they couldn't find something big enough to hold even more popcorn. Yeah no they do. Although I felt kind of cheated because the whole list was the same bucket of popcorn but for each entry they'd add one kernel. That's cheating I feel like.
Yeah yeah I feel I feel the same way Rob. I'm pursuing this legally. Good. I think this is worth your time and money.
I'm pouring all my money into this if I've just been taking it skimming it off the page around so that's fine. It'll be worth it. It'll pay off in the end. No look you got to spend money to make money right.
That's what they say. You have to spend money to spite the American Film Institute. What about this movie though? Well it's fine I guess.
What do you think of Johnny Depp's whole deal here? Johnny Depp's whole deal is always just Captain Jack Sparrow without the accent. Yeah I don't know he does one fucking thing and it sucks. Yeah you know it's I don't know it's kind of a bummer.
Johnny Depp in general now especially is a bummer to me. One of my favorite movies like really one of my favorites is Edward. And he's like really great in it and I don't know it's just like it's like a perfect movie. And I don't know I think the 90s Johnny Depp stuff he's got like some really good movies like like Ed Wood like if you're in Loeingles Vegas Donnie Grasco like some solid shit in there.
And then like the 2000s hit and he's doing like more and more of the Tim Burton movies but they're I don't know Willy Wonka. Yeah Tim Burton is becoming like a parody of himself and and then he's I don't know he's doing the fucking pirate movies and and everybody wants like everybody wants to see like the crazy Johnny Depp character that he's going to come up with next but it's always like it sucks. All he does is like that sort of bug-eyed thing where he kind of pulls his head back. Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I mean I feel like that started with fear and loathing.
Everything else has just been variations on that. Yeah maybe I don't know if you're in loathing but it's really good. But in like fear and loathing it's just like he didn't have to invent a character he's just doing a hunter as Tom's right right right so it's fine yeah um yeah no I mean I don't know I kind of appreciated that he at least wasn't like a fucking cartoon character. Yeah he's not a cartoon character he is I guess he's playing like the weird jaw thing.
Is that what the braces were about? Goes like yeah you know this I don't I think he only wears one scarf in this this movie so that's you know it's a start and it's cold out yeah it's reasonable fine yeah yeah yeah is he wearing no is his jaw thing because of his braces though like that bite he does yeah what is that I don't know I don't know I just thought about because as I was watching it I was like I hate this I hate like it felt very deliberately like giving giving the character like a thing yeah yeah like a little calling card kind of thing but if it was a braces thing then it's a little less terrible maybe that makes sense I guess. I don't know. So yeah Johnny Depp plays Mort and John Tataro plays Shooter.
Yeah he plays John Shooter and like I said he's accusing Johnny Depp of plagiarism so Johnny Depp starts like he ignores him at first but fucking John Tataro keeps coming back and starts killing his dog yeah he kills his fucking dog. Here's it I am I'm a real sucker for when animals die in movies it always makes me very upset. Not so in this one because it was the worst dog puppet I didn't believe that dog puppet for a second. Yeah it was pretty bad.
It was like Halloween store dead dog yeah we're dead dogs. Just walk in like every store like I've been in like 20 stores today and nobody has the one that I want. I want a pug yeah I want a dead bulldog please yeah I want yeah it's an English bulldog. And I want a gray one not nothing else brown will not do.
There's a certain kind of dead dog I want to look at. I want purebred dead dog. You know what a round of dead dogs for everyone. Just some psycho path going into the store and ordering a round of dead dogs for everyone.
Man so what store? Yeah it has to be like a forever 21 or something. So John Satoro starts like tormenting Johnny Depp kills his dog and starts like threatening him and shit but while this is all going on he's in the middle of a divorce with his wife. It seemed to be ex-wife Maria Bello and she's like she's now with Timothy Hutton they're like dating and they live oh no they look they still live separately I guess but she lives in their house and Johnny Depp lives up in like their cabin in the woods basically.
And who and Charles has done plays is he like a private investigator or does he work for the publishing company. I guess I think he must have been a private investigator. Yeah so Charles has done this Johnny Depp contacts Charles has done to look into this John shooter thing but there like Johnny Depp talks to Maria Bello about this whole this guy coming around and accusing him of plagiarism and stuff and she she's like this isn't like the last time or whatever right implying that he plagiarized before right yeah for sure yeah that's what I take from that. But they don't like they don't dig too deep into that right.
Yeah all they say is basically I think is that he just like paid that person a substantial amount of money. I wonder if um has Stephen King ever been accused of plagiarism? He must have. Ooh like against himself like John Fogarty that one time.
Yeah well this feels like plagiarism. Oh wow this movie. Yeah um yeah it's I don't know it's like I don't know I guess if you're a writer that's a thing that's a common fear or whatever is being accused of plagiarism or accidentally possibly like comedian telling you know stealing a joke but not doing it on purpose you know just like absorbing it and then like three years later they're just like oh I have this other joke that's just been in my subconscious forever. Yeah I um let's see here I'm trying to find yeah yeah if you're if you listen into this right now yeah this is something we should have done before we get it.
Shut up I'm trying to think. I can't have you talking on the show while I'm looking at an article. It's very distracting and we're all just going to be here longer. The longer you talk the more time it's going to take and I'm just not going to participate.
Baby I'll just keep you here all night I don't care. Okay this will press on here. No okay um oh man yeah you are your Skype froze for me and you're frozen in a laugh. Yeah it's good I I just I'm looking at that when I tell a joke.
Well yeah that's good yeah um yeah all my jokes are good now. They're all landing. Yeah I don't know so Johnny Depp keeps like he's drinking a lot right he's fucking having constantly yeah he's constantly just like sleeping and I don't know right like he gets dutton up to his cabin and he's like you know hey you know just just keep a watch out you know I just don't want anything bad to happen you already killed my dog and so Charles Duttony does the fuck he does his rounds and you know he's like all right it's all clear and then like an hour later John Satoro shows up and things get like physical and he chokes him up against the tree and shit but I don't this is it's such a strange move because it's like it's a very I don't know up into a point it's like a very straightforward kind of thriller you know where John Satoro is just he's storm-ancing Johnny Depp bad things start happening Maria Bella's house gets burned down um Johnny Depp tells John Satoro that he he didn't play drives the story that he published the story like three years before John Satoro wrote his story and he has the proof he has a magazine where the story was printed first and John Satoro demands that he produced the magazine and he's like all right well it's at my wife's house and then like the next day his wife's house burns down um so he goes up there and he's like what fuck everything sucks now like uh like my life is just falling apart um they go to see the fucking lawyers about the divorce and I don't know what like I said I don't know this like I don't know there's like the middle of this movie it's kind of boring because it's just like a lot of people talking on phones to each other and like yeah what are you doing I don't know what are you doing uh John Satoro I don't know um there's one day John when John Satoro's come has come by and it's tormenting Johnny Depp there's a guy that drives by and uh sees them what's in the grim yeah yeah it's green leaf Tom Greenleaf so Charles Dutton is going to talk to that guy and see what he saw and blah blah blah and it Johnny Depp wakes up one day and there's a truck parked outside and Tom Greenleaf and Charles Dutton are both dead in the truck and John Satoro tells him they has to you know clean up this mess basically and fucking he better produce that magazine by like the next day or something so he has his I think it's his publisher or something overnight it and there's that weird scene where he's in the uh post office and he's talking to that young girl you know it's yeah it's strange because like she's like flirting with him she's like you know a little smitten and yeah the scene ends with her going he's so cute yeah which is only a slight exaggeration yeah um who is that sheriff when when karu oh yeah he was a tree sure it was real good yeah that first scene with him when he's just like the dopiest guy yeah I did like that whole scene I really enjoyed yeah he he looks familiar I don't know I thought he might have been an alum but he doesn't look like it um no I don't know did you find anything else out from that article or no I could not get it to load and this is true I couldn't get it to load all right well so let's tell you what I'll keep trying but let's not let's not spin the wheels anymore let's just go for it great onward and upward a old sport radio bully bully for you so whatever yeah uh I'm trying to think I don't know well he got he got so he gets the magazine though like that's what he's at the post office for he picks up the magazine and he opens it up and the pages with his story have been cut out um and then and then that's where things start ramping up really quickly because then he starts audibly talking to himself yeah that's where it turns into a fight club right where yeah I forgot to mention that in the intro yeah it is a one part fight club it is one part fight club um yeah there's a so he puts uh uh uh john tutorial is wearing this black hat the whole movie and then he grinded up finds it somewhere and he puts it on and he looks at the mirror and he starts having these like flashbacks and shit and he's like what the fuck is happening and then he starts talking out loud and then I guess they're like manifestations of his psyche just start like popping up like physical physically more Johnny Debs are in the room talking to him right yeah yeah as if one somehow wearing enough yeah I don't know yeah there's like a few it's so strange and I feel like it comes out of nowhere at all because up it's like an hour and fifteen into the movie there's only 20 minutes left and now it becomes like this weird uh not supernatural thing but like oh he's got like multiple personalities but they're all him well yeah they turn out those are all him but then it we find out that uh john tutorial's character shooter is also him and that every time Johnny Depp falls asleep uh john every time he puts on a hat yeah every time he uh puts on a hat he turns into john's tutorial and it goes out and like does like fucked up shit like kills his dog and burns down his wife's house and ship um which is that's like the exact same thing as fight club like there's there's a whole scene where they explain like and Norton like passes out and then when he wakes up Brad Pitt has done all of these like crazy things and put the you know set the wheels in motion for all this like destruction right as the same plug and yeah it's it's the exact same as that it's very similar to the shining it's very similar to the dark half and it's also fuck there's another thing that it is oh shit oh it got away from me right at the last second uh but yeah no this is a this is already a lot of stuff yeah it's already like the combination of too many things um yeah and i don't know does it add anything to that idea i say no just corn just braces just braces right um yes so many eating corn on the cob with braces is really probably the most upsetting thing that happens in this movie yeah so once uh once Johnny Depp figures out what's going on um like right at that moment Maria Bello uh she shows up at his house to um get him to sign the divorce papers and the whole the house is a disaster things are broken everywhere and um the whole movie they keep like they they keep like making reference to the story uh secret window where uh the ending is a guy who kills his wife berries are in his garden and i think the last line is something to the effect of uh i'm sure in time even her death will even be a mystery to me right and that yes that line keeps showing up that they keep repeating that and um the line about the uh steaming bowl of corn which they will not shut up about the steaming bowl of corn yeah um no no real payoff for any of those phrases the only thing that quote unquote pays off is the name shooter which i was so mad that was so fucking stupid it's yeah so like we said Jon's two-hour's name is shooter and if you slow it down it's shoot her as in his wife which he then goes on not to do right um it's like it's a worse version of red rum is what it is yeah exactly yeah he carves it all over the walls of the cabin yeah which you know does very little to explain why um why he doesn't get caught because the sheriff comes into his house not long after that yeah yeah you're right um so she sees this and uh Joni Depp is now he's put on the Jon Tetero voice and he is this other guy and he's attacking her and he's gonna kill her um and there's a big struggle and he pushes her out the door and she cracks her head on a rock mm-hmm oh that was upsetting yeah this whole last scene where he kills them is pretty upsetting yeah um yeah it did seem to delight in showing that a little too much for my taste right like i don't know there's uh the movie is it's a thriller up into a point and then it's like i don't what like Maria Bello is like laying on the ground bleeding from the head Timothy Dutton who told her not to go up there by herself he shows up and he runs out there and Joni Depp just like makes quick work of him he just like cracks him in the head with a shovel and cuts his head off um and then and then he just kills Maria Bello and presumably buries buries them both in his uh corn patch corn patch yeah yeah his his private corn patch how long do you think he's only been eating corn oh my god yeah maybe that's what drove him mad yeah there's after all this happens there's like a cut to like you know a few months later or whatever and he's in the grocery store and he sees the same girl from the post office that was given him like the the dreamy eyes and he's like trying to talk to her and flirt with her stuff which is weird enough because he's like way too old for right and she's also buying plan b for no reason oh my god is she really i think so that's crazy i didn't notice maybe i misheard but yeah i think i think there was like i think she goes up to the pharmacist and says something like oh maybe she's just buying pregnancy tests but it's something to do with a baby because i believe she says i'm a little late this month to just the pharmacist oh my god that's like a weird detail uh-huh yeah when i hope i'm not misremembering otherwise i'm an insane person um with men's he's on the brain oh boy this guy over here um can i say i have sick twisted thoughts about men's he's yeah i'm just wild about men's he's and they're just wild about me there i said it um so he's trying to flirt with this girl in line and she is like so creeped out by him now because now it's like it's knowledge i guess it's it's known around town that he basically killed his wife and her boyfriend and two other people and a dog oh yeah yeah so yeah this is pretty much known throughout town but they don't have enough proof so they can't do anything about it just yet but everybody's just so creeped out by him um and then the sheriff there's that last scene where the sheriff comes to this house and he's just like he's got so much corn like cooking up and just laying around husks everywhere nobody could eat this much corn yeah but you gotta try you know you've never ridden a novel so you don't know what it's like yellow corn the ultimate brain food it has like no nutrients at all uh-huh yeah it's just starch and sugar yeah and he's just like i put butter and salt on it and that's it yeah that shot of a stack of napkins a pound of butter and a giant thing of salt that was so funny this is all i eat now yeah it's fucking insane it's like an evil day when they do the quick cuts between him like strapping on a chainsaw loading a gun and shit just for making corn yeah and then Johnny Duff says groovy um so the sheriff basically is like listen there's not enough proof to fucking put you away yet but we'll find it and until then stay out of town all right you creep everybody out and nobody likes it if you want to buy food and shit go to the next town over so he says okay and um and then Johnny Depp just like i don't know it's almost like self-incriminating the way he describes like the story he's writing oh the importance of an ending yeah yeah he's just like uh the ending is the most important parts in this story he doesn't say has a killer ending but he might as well yeah the story has a killer ending i'm the killer ending what oh man yeah it's it's not a great movie at all and then the the secret window that there that the title references is up in like the loft area of his cabin there's a window that overlooks this uh now cornfield or a small corn patch where he's buried his wife and her boyfriend and then the last shot of the fucking movie is a close-up of Johnny Depp Johnny Depp's mouth biting into a buttery salty ear of corn the symbolism of the corn was a little lost on me yeah yeah i mean like just why corn yeah if there's no reason it seems at this point in the show like in the course of this show for me to be asking why corn now feels a little silly right after it's got to be like 12 movies that revolve around corn corn and the kids who love it yeah uh yeah kids do the corniest things what well yeah and that's that's how this movie ends yeah it ends with him getting away with like a quadruple murder and and uh the sheriff just leaving it as i'm gonna get you and the end he just hit i wish he just went and started throwing up corn just for malnutrition just salo sunkenide part in corn yeah and that's yeah oh yeah it's it's so weird it seems like i don't like an incomplete movie or something like yeah for the first hour and fifteen things seem to go kind of slow and it's like building up to something and then at the end it ramps up i feel like too fast oh my god exponentially right like it goes from Johnny Depp's voice talking to himself to five Johnny Depp's to Johnny Depp looking in a mirror and seeing the back of his head yeah yeah to Johnny Depp wearing John Tataro's Amish hat and doing a little bit of a southern accent yep it all yeah and then him killing his wife and her boyfriend just fucking too much uh yeah i like it no it feels like i don't know like when when somebody is told that they have enough time to do something and then like halfway through they're like uh sorry uh yeah you have to finish two hours early like oh fuck i gotta wrap this up yeah i just got to make sure this thing holds together long enough to get it to the theater right exactly um yeah that's fucking steaming bowl of corn let's hammer that in real quick in the last half hour just so nobody forgets it and then uh i'm not i'm eating a piece of corn braces i don't know yeah there's a bit of a mad libs feel to all of this yeah uh so i don't know that's it that's how the movie ends yeah uh segments yeah yeah let's do segments oh that hurts my parts oh god my parts what what parts oh my fucking parts man what's what really chafed your ass about this movie Rob um the part this week is an ass and the way it hurts chafing go yeah what really hurt my secret window this week um what bruised your secret window uh the the scene with in the post office where like they're i don't know like Johnny Depp isn't flirting with her but she's kind of flirting with him is i don't know it's kind of creepy to me yeah i do that excuse me oh bye especially sorry i know it's especially because recording it for in the morning right that's why i'm yoning um like Johnny Depp married amber heard who's like 25 years younger than him and i don't know yeah and then didn't do a good job yeah i did a bad job as a husband what yeah yeah no i i didn't care for that uh i'm trying to think there's i mean john tatar has an accent is maybe both my favorite and least favorite thing about this movie because it's nonsense it doesn't need to be yeah that's fair i think yeah um what happened to the old lady from the beginning of the movie the old lady who the woman who's like cleaning his house yeah oh is that just his maid or something yeah i thought we'd be seeing more of her she seems like the perfect person to stumble onto a murder oh my god you're right she she wouldn't she would be perfect to like i don't know catch Johnny Depp i'm gonna go mr rainy yeah yeah catch Johnny Depp as as shooter um maybe he shoots her eight corn yeah just just fucking on your of corn fucking her all off i club yeah oh jesus uh yeah so what's uh what's what's move on this is danny danny what uh what was your shining moment my shining moment holy cow i really did truly enjoy that scene in the police station so much i thought he did the sheriff was just like perfectly aloof and i loved them cutting to the receptionist who accidentally started laughing really loudly at her phone call she was having yeah i just i don't know something about that was like perfectly frustrating yeah i really enjoyed that um i'm trying to think there was maybe one other thing seriously that i like i do like the visual of looking in a mirror and seeing the back of your head i thought that was pretty confounding and kind of neat it didn't make any sense but i liked i agree with that um i think what was your shining moment when uh it's so stupid when he gets when he's uh pushing that truck over the cliff into the water and he gets his coat stock or so oh yeah yeah and then his watch oh yeah it's his watch i guess whatever room yeah yeah fucking more and like if you've ever seen uh i think it's saving silverman um they do the same joke with like jackpot gets his jacket caught and is this like your favorite part of this movie was saving silverman that's right okay i don't know it seemed like it's a stupid joke in saving silverman like that's a bad dumb movie right and then like this movie went ahead and did the same thing like they hit the same joke um which here it's played as like oh no is he gonna make it and he's just like well of course he's gonna make it well yeah he's gonna make it he's gonna make it so now now it's a joke you know it's not threatening right yeah um yeah i uh i agree my favorite part is also saving silverman also uh i thought maria bello was pretty good uh yeah she was fine i mean yeah ditto hutton he was fine dutton was fine and that actually if you don't mind that brings i want to do a new segment this week oh no okay you're ready yes root well here's the theme song uh okay wait what is this that's not what i wanted come on let's try this no that's the whole thing wow hold on we're gonna have to jump ahead a little bit i don't know what you're up to right now but your voice sounds like you're you're on am radio right now oh sorry is this better no it's not but keep going keep going all right well there we go that is our new segment a hutton or dutton which one will it be a hutton or dutton Charles or timothy e this is hutton or dutton that is fantastic i thought of that around the 40 minute mark so if i if i sort of perk up on playback that's why that's oh my god i love that um thank you this is a hutton or dutton so rob you've seen the movie yeah okay you've seen you've seen timothy hutton do his thing you've seen charles has dutton strutting his stun who who's it gonna be rob timothy hutton or charles has dutton dan for me it's i think it's always gonna be charles has dutton oh okay all right what about you that's wow um no i actually if i choose uh that's a huge breach of ethics okay so um with that out of the way all right but on the record hmm i think charles has done all right an enemy duddy and this has been hutton or dutton cool good good segment that was a good segment i love when uh when somebody does a parody song but just sings over the lyrics like there's no like well like i said i just thought of it i guess i could have pulled up a karaoke bird no no i sincerely like that i think it's way funnier if you're just singing over the existing lyrics well i think uh the lack of effort yeah that's in that way right that's it's perfect for the segment you're just like yeah it makes it clear where you stand it makes it clear where you stand in relation to the segment right yeah yeah that was good though i like that that was really good can't wait to do it again next week um all right uh in the book i'm working on now there's a spooky monster king tropes we got a bunch baby all right um writers yeah writers with alter egos that come to life to torment them writers that try or succeed at killing their wives oh yeah um writers who write the same word on the wall over and over again uh corn corn fields corn corn um teenage girls getting abortions oh okay that's uh that what's that movie with the snowman lignore um are you talking about jack frost yes i'm talking about jack frost no you know the one storm of the century oh yeah yeah yeah yeah right he calls that girl out yeah he does yeah pretty fucked um what else what else changing the ending to suit the needs of someone else yeah um my house charming small town sheriff yeah guy who travels along distance only to be murdered immediately dutton bellow hutton yeah that's a dv h my that's my all-time favorite trope okay it's very funny i have to drive eight hours at least and then be murdered uh no i gotta i gotta hit the road at like five if i want to get murdered by the end of the day yeah uh yeah are there more oh windows up in high uh spires rose red evil high windows evil high windows sure sure yeah and he said blood corn uh uh that's a pretty good number of them yeah i think that's solid yeah uh great so let's do hey what hey dan yeah um did you see any sliners in this movie oh yeah you did yeah yeah it was oh my god i can't believe you didn't see it it was enormous it was it was okay you remember the scene where uh johnnie debt touches his wife cheetah got him um who do you think was eating her out bro oh my god it was a slimer he loves to eat things that with that big old tongue in his you kidding me oh that's a that's a good that's a good day out you know so that's where i saw slimer was between maria bello's legs did you see any slivers um i just fucking johnnie debt's greasy fucking corn mouth at the end there yeah that was a real slimer for sure this has been where it was he was eating that corn like an onion head i gotta say yeah oh man we should use that whenever a bit goes on too long just uh just a call it quits yeah the call it quits button just it's a wipe it's a reset the joke buster yeah um all right yeah which brings us to our final segment they just cheer us isn't there this is i mdb where we compare our opinion of the movie against the average user score on i m d b dot com do you see that picture i posted of kevin smith wearing an i m d b hockey jersey yes i it's fucking insane right yeah i don't know what he's up to um he was doing an interview for i m b but like you don't have to wear like i don't know newscasters don't wear you know shirts that say a b c on them that's true but uh yeah whatever um whatever did you see that uh uh tat mck farland is gonna be making a spawn movie no yeah he announced it the other day uh they're doing it with like blum house productions the guy that company i did uh the conjuring and paranormal activity and shit oh wow okay yeah and so that's uh i think real scary yeah i think he's he might be writing so we'll see how that goes well hopefully johnny legs will be back yeah probably not though so this is i mdb dot com where we compare our opinion of the movie against the average user score on i mdb dot com uh 155 899 souls voted on this movie and awarded an average user score of 6.6 out of 10 stars rob yeah it's way too high what do you think yeah right yeah i would get this yeah no a five maybe i was gonna say like four and a half yeah yeah four to four and a half for me i just i don't think there are a lot of original ideas here um it maybe not even one yeah uh i think the pacing of the movie is really off and i don't know i think some of the performances are like way too over the top and some of them are not they're way under the top yeah and in the case of slimer under the covers that's right uh yeah i don't know it's just yeah it's just it's not anything really considering that john tataro is like the weirdest idea for a character there's no fun being had here right yeah they could have like they could i don't know you want that character specifically to be swinging for the fences you know just to be like so fucking crazy and weird and shit and he's yeah and he's not enough you know um like in the dark half when timothy hutton is playing his alter ego it's like i don't know he's he's he's like delivering like cheesy one liners and uh like i don't know he kicks that whiskey bottle into his hand he's just like doing i don't know weird yeah sort of like it's like a weird physicality that he's doing he's larger than life which is right which is what you want from a exactly you know imaginary it's what you want from a it's what you want from a villain in general but like especially from one who is only bound by like the limits of the the main character's sort of imagination right yeah yeah so yeah i don't know five i can't i wouldn't recommend like people watch it i don't think there's anything like particularly interesting about it yeah no this was like a two or three sitting movie for me yeah yeah definitely i think um you know some of the scenes are like weird like when jani dep is talking to like five different depths and like that whole thing so maybe like watch that on youtube but but don't even yeah i would say yeah it's there's nothing i don't know it's not great so hell no yeah well cool so we agree it's bad and it's worse than people think yes well all right that's the that's the end of the show yeah that was secret window secret window secret window um next week oh baby it's gonna get scary like we're going back to a lot oh no okay you know what i'm ready i'm ready for a redox i actually uh i just finished watching this one how is it i gotta say i enjoyed it yeah yeah that'll be so nice for my small wife if she ends up having to watch one of these again yeah she's been so patient so kind it is three hours long but the original is three hours long and this one moves way faster i uh i'm just looking at our list on the spreadsheet for the first time maybe ever uh huh and i just realize that you've been adding movies oh at the bottom yeah yeah i mean there's no uh you know release dates or anything for those so we don't know the order but uh yeah there those will be coming out soon uh great you've been adding to the list you've been trying to uh you've been trying to introduce an outside movie yeah god there's so many this sucks yeah this is i will say though we're as long as this stops happening we are more than halfway through the show we are more than halfway through um right now this is episode like 60 or so this is hey have congrats on 60 episodes oh and and maybe maybe go on for 60 more four more apps four more apps and it looks like there's i don't know what's coming out you know what's been announced and stuff there's like just over 90 um yeah yeah i uh 93 at the moment yeah so we'll see how that all shakes out yeah well i would love to catch up and get on a you talking you to me really schedule yeah so we'll be at this for like the as long as stuff doesn't keep getting like as long as we catch up we'll be added for a little less than a year yeah i i know they um at comic con this weekend they i think they showed a new trailer or footage from the upcoming it movie um yeah and from you know nothing the video isn't out yet online but from what everybody is saying about it looks really really good uh the footage focuses on the kids on the loser club and uh they somebody was describing it as almost like a like a stand by me uh closeness of these friends like they're that's how good the dynamic is so um which means that like i don't know there's a lot of publicity right now for the dark tower right like that one's coming up really soon and uh you know i don't know how like how that one is gonna do as far as like critics and what not but i don't know i think people are looking at the dark tower and really excited for that and i think it is going to be the bigger movie i think it is going to be the better movie yeah yeah there's like there is no doubt in my mind that while one i mean people are going to be disappointed with the dark tower no matter what well uh sure people love that and also but but then on top of it fucking what's his name a kiva goldsmith or whatever yeah he's like a full on heck right yeah he's a heck yeah yeah so that's not good and also i don't i don't know i like his resale but i don't like Matthew McConaughey as the man in black yeah i don't know i mean i know you don't have like a super frame of reference for that character but like yeah he's i i don't know i think he should i don't know i think he should be a little bit more gleeful than Matthew McConaughey seems to be yeah uh there was uh Stephen King posted something on his facebook uh because people have been talking about the runtime for the gunslinger it's uh it's only an hour and a half which is everybody's like holy shit that's really short for this this story this book and right Stephen King posted something about it just saying like no no the movie is really good i've seen most of it or seen a lot of footage from it it's all killer and no filler that's what he said um oh he's a big sum 41 fan also oh so yeah i was gonna say um children of the beast embrace me so but also you know Stephen King doesn't have the best taste in his own movies that's true he just likes when people do what he did right so although apparently the dark tower is not the book at all right so that's perfect for us but also surprising from Stephen King who loves his own dick right uh yeah so we'll see we'll see what happens with that one and um but yeah no uh i am i'm glad to hear salams a lot isn't a uh a waste yeah yeah it's you know obviously we'll get into it all next week but i i don't know i think Rob Lowe did a really good job hell yeah i love to hear Rob Lowe's doing what i'm just kidding i don't care yeah um so yeah we'll do that next week all right anything else guys rate review us on iTunes do that um you know if you want to go into the patreon yep we'll have links to both of those in the show notes right so you can get there right quick uh anything else you got anything going on that you want to talk about um next week next sunday i mean uh Taylor Allen's show the brew hot show oh yeah i'm in that too remotely wait is that the same shit no i'm in the one on the 30th that is next week that's next week yeah yeah okay yeah so yes i'll be in that remotely are you really yeah he asked me to do a video so i'll be there oh that's good a bit yeah so where's that uh that is hang on because i don't remember we get in as it is it is at the asbury park brewery um on cwall av so helia it's a benefit for autism and it's it's over 50 comedians all doing one joke each yes i believe pretty much everyone who's ever gested on this show will be there jc i'm sure will be there yeah everybody uh has mark and mark and or jack perhaps both of them um Melissa Melissa is on it i think um yeah i mean anyone else uh yeah that might be it we haven't had a ton of friends on yeah bad people yeah but there's there's a it's like it's basically every comedian in the new jersey area so yeah um yeah it'll be that'll be fun so check that out that's next sunday the 30th at the brew house and um yeah that's that's all i got all right very cool all right guys so next week's they'll unslot and um yeah that's it yeah all right bye everyone uh oh and one more thing steve until then i'm rob eight on he's dang egg we are i'm dang egg we already steve and king