Hey, this is Red Band, and you are listening to the Desk Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at desquod.tv. If you want to check out our merch, go to shopsquad.tv for Desk Squad merch and tour dates, or go to KillMerch for all the Kill Tony merch, including posters, hats, shirts, and hoodies, KillMerch.com. Tony has his own website, TonyHinchcliffe.com.
He's on a huge tour right now, so check out his website to find more information that's TonyHinchcliffe.com. I have a brand new comedy club, it's next door to the mothership, it's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, or go to sunsetstripatx.com for more information. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.
Toronto and Detroit. This weekend my stand-up tour begins with you, I've already sold out the early theater shows and only tickets for the late shows remain. Those shows are at 930, that's at the Queen Elizabeth Theater in Toronto on Friday night and the Royal Oak Music Theater in Royal Oak, just outside of Detroit on Saturday night. Hope to see you there.
KillMerch is absolutely killing it, we have new drops coming and everything else is absolutely thriving there. I mean it's just unbelievable. We've sold out and we are refreshing on everything, the store is an absolute wild success. From stickers to tickers to old American pickers, only knows what you will find at KillMerch.com right now.
From the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas, brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up our Tony Hitsmith. You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives tonight or what? Yippee. How about a hand for Red Man everybody?
Hi. Oh yes, this is Kill Tony, the number one live podcast in the motherfucking world. Are you guys excited to be here? The show is brought to you by Gelblaster, the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose Austin Security Guard service and Scrubal Peanut Butter Whiskey, which presents the Kill Tony Band.
There they are, everybody make some noise for them. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Beamer on the horns. This is the great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar right behind me, John B's on the keys. And this is the great D madness on a bass guitar.
Also for those of you coming in to visit Austin, Texas, if you need an IV drum, make sure you go to connectmobilehealthcmus.com and follow them on Instagram at connectmobilehealth. Get an IV drip on a Sunday before a Kill Tony or a Monday or a Tuesday to recover, but by then it might be too late. This place is fucking wild. Welcome to the show everybody.
We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Before we start, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club, owned by Brian Redban is in downtown Austin, Texas. Check out the secret show every Thursday.
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We're going to have fun tonight. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Come on. Are you guys fans of stand-up comedy or what?
Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those nights where I just fucking, I could not be more excited. One of my favorite stand-up comedians in the world. One of the greatest guests we've ever had, truly. One of the best.
Make some noise for the great powerful Jim Norton. Here we go, baby. The great Jim Norton Freshoff of an amazing weekend here at The Mothership on Torichim Norton.com. Welcome back, Jim.
Thank you. It's nice to be here. I appreciate that bit of a lackluster response from the audience. We're going to have a lot of fun here tonight.
You know how it works. Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull one of these names out, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then. Or else they bring out the angry. It's Hollywood Bear. Which just interrupts them.
And then we talk to them. I interview them. We find out more about them. What makes them interesting?
What makes them different? Maybe how to make their jokes better? Maybe something else they could talk about. I'm pre-picking the first name out of the bucket because we already have someone on deck to start the show.
He is indeed one of the regulars, ladies and gentlemen. He famously, two and a half years ago, was broke, living in his van. Since then, we've seen him make a meteoric. Meteor-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-y-my.
Meteor-y-e-y orc? Am I saying that right? No. Why is the camera so close to my face?
Well, I'm saying a word. Is it meteoric? Yeah, thank you. Thank you fellow musicians.
Anyway, we've seen him hit hi-hives, some low lows. Right now he is in a position where if he doesn't absolutely excel with his men at the next week, he is challenged by a challenger that could become the newest regular on the show. We've found out that this method keeps him in tip-top, shaven, trying his hardest every week. Just threaten his job every single week.
Starting off, tonight's show with a brand new 60 seconds and an interview. Make some noise, sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. Oh, thank you.
I feel bad for the girls that have to have sex with me, because after I finger them, they're like, well, that's the best that's going to get. I'm glad affirmative action is now illegal, because I'm sick of all these minorities in my colleges. Call me old fashioned, but I don't think a college classroom should look like a Dollar General. I think it should look like the screening of Sound of Freedom, all white people.
I love how white people are so bored, they're now rescuing other people's children. Minorities, we don't even care about our own children that much. If I got molested, my dad would be like, good. Maybe this will make him better at violin.
Thank you. Hans Kim. Fun stuff, Hans. I actually love that finger joke that you did.
Thank you, Tony. That was amazing. It's incredible that you can still kick out new funny jokes about your tiny Asian penis. I thought we heard them all.
It's the gift that keeps on giving. And you really let the laugh come. I like that. People are laughing and you're ready to talk.
You're like, not fucking. I'm going to count down from 60. Let him laugh for a couple more seconds. Fucking molesting joke.
Are you a terrific? I enjoyed your life. You started strong and it's sexy. Indeed.
You really did. Did your dad try to make you learn violin? Did your Asian parents make you try to do Asian things growing up? Can you give us some examples of some of those things?
He wouldn't let me watch TV at night or on the weekends and I got really mad and I punched the hole in the wall. Oh. Oh, shit. That's an after-school special.
Dad. Yeah. That's incredible. That is so like Asian to punch a hole through the wall.
Did you think about kicking the wall first? Did you punch it like that with like a hand? Like, tie may or something like that? Perhaps.
I just did an American boxing style. Ah. Okay. Fuck you, dad.
Oh, wow. Sweet. That was incredible. That made us sound good again.
I hate you. Okay. The timing of it is just perfect. Can you guys do it one more time?
It's incredible to watch you two work together. Fuck you. Amazing. Hans Kim.
What else is going on with you this week? Tell us more. I've been killing it on the road. I just did a rally in North Carolina, which is great.
It's a practice for my one minute and then I have to fill in 59 minutes after that. Wow. Where was that at? Rally, North Carolina.
Okay. Did you open with the same joke about fingering a girl? That's a great one. Yeah.
It was in there. Did you open with it? No. Okay.
Really? That's a make or break joke. They're going to love you or hate your guys. Yeah.
It's like a temperature reading. Yeah. Literally. Look at my dick.
When you finger. When you finger a girl, Hans, what finger do you use exactly? I use the middle finger. Whoa.
This guy's going for distance. Hey, yeah. I fucked up. I've used the thumb.
That's a real hitchhiker. I figure you might go with the pinky. When you're dick, you can exceed the expectations of the pinky. You're fucking up throwing your biggest finger out there.
Do you have to let it finger? Do you have to? Do you have to? Do you have to?
So let me ask you this. Your middle finger compared to your dick. What is the length and width difference there? Oh, yeah.
It's way bigger than my middle finger. Okay. When you say way bigger. Can you give us an example?
Would you hurt Lena the plug if you, uh, not everybody's on a, uh, it's, it's like a dick. It's not, it's not like you're a dick, Tony. I heard some things in the grapevine. That's crazy.
You've heard nothing about my guns. Okey-dokey. Ah. God damn it.
I don't want people knowing about my huge dick. Stop it guys. Stop embarrassing me in front of our people. It's very, very normal guys.
I'm just like one of you. Stop with the word stop. Okay. There's a lady squirting in the corner right now.
Hans, anything else we should know about you before continuing on? Um, I drove, I drove my girlfriend on my moped, but she was drunk. She sort of passed out on the back. Oh shit.
Yeah. I thought there was a step to a joke. Yeah. That's, uh, she was on there cause she was sitting on my dick and it didn't keep her on there very well.
Wait. You had her in front of you? No, I was just trying to put a punchline on it. That's weird.
If you actually snaked your dick back under, you wrote it all. Yeah. It's more like a, uh, ropey hard on. Uh, no, no.
She was a ropey hard on. What's that? You last a little cattle with it? Yeah.
Yeah. This fucking guy's a roper right here. His name's actually ropey hard on. I don't know if you've met him before.
There's a header in a healer. You know what I'm talking about? You don't know shit about shit cause I know all about it. It's called a team rope and you know what I mean?
You just fucking, you take the rope and you just fucking swing it around your fucking claw and then you throw it out there like that. You see that, Jim? You see this guy? Yeah.
I heard you're talking to him and I see what you mean. You see what that fucking, he's got a stapler for a right hand. I love you in Jurassic Park. Don't start it tonight.
I love it. You do it every single week. You will not have to challenge for your spot next week. I love what you're doing.
I think you're, uh, hitting peak on skim career style. A lot of great new stuff lately. I love it. That was on skim.
That was on skim. That was on skim. That was on skim. I pre-pulled the second name and now for the first name out of the bucket tonight, we're going to meet them all together.
Historically, one word names on the show end up being very interesting characters. I feel like this is going to be interesting. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut of CoJack. Everybody, here we go.
60 seconds of standard comedy and then interview with CoJack. Hey, what's up? My name is CoJack and if you haven't seen by my pearls and my finesse, I am black and gay. Let's go baby.
I'm black and gay. I'm black and I'm gay. I sack my pants. But I don't want to show up like you underwear.
Hey. I'm black and I'm gay. Can't know about that. Can't pull the pants up when he's around me.
I'm black and I'm gay. I can say figure and I get. And not get in trouble bitch. I'm black and I'm gay.
After I shoot my boyfriend's mouth, I yell, Kobe. Then I helicopter my dick. I'm black and I'm gay. I get my reparations from swallowing unborn white children.
Oh, I probably say so good. I can taste the trust funds. I'm black and I'm gay. All right.
There it is. He's got a catchphrase folks. Welcome to the show, CoJack. This is your first time here.
I remember if I've seen you before. I'm here for the horsecock. I heard a horsecock. No, no, no, no.
It's very, very, very tiny. Oh, I'm here for it. Very tiny. Nice to meet you, CoJack.
I'm Tony and believe it or not, I'm white and I'm straight. I believe you. I love it. Are you really black and gay?
I am black and I'm gay, baby. Holy shit. What's up? That's like your, you might be a redneck.
But instead you just say I'm black and I'm gay. Do you know that everybody knows that you're black and you're gay? That with the necklace and the skin color, it is a dead giveaway. You are a blatantly black and gay guy.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. How long have you been standing up, CoJack?
About a year off and on. About a solid year. About a solid year. Solid year.
Rock solid. Hard as a rock. Hard as a rock. I'm from Philly.
Okay. Anybody from Philly? No, you don't do it. Don't ask your own questions here.
And how long have you been filling in guys up with cum? I lost my gag reflex to 14. Oh, wow. Philly is a very tough area.
Was it tough being being gay and Philly? I'm being black and Philly is very easy. But was it tough being? Oh, yeah.
I was in the hood. 22nd of Diamond, baby. Temple University. Oh, my God.
Now the only time you're in the hood is when you're with an uncircumcised guy. Now you have the hood inside of you. My boyfriend's Puerto Rican. Oh, really?
Yeah, he's cut, though. Okay. Yeah, my next boyfriend's. Yeah, my next boyfriend's.
Yeah, my next boyfriend's. Yeah, my next boyfriend's. Normally by a shank in prison. Oh, yeah, he comes.
Okay. Where'd you meet the Puerto Rican boyfriend at? Grindr. Okay.
Okay. You're like, this is going to be good. Were you seeking someone cut or was that just a bonus? Oh, that was a bonus.
Okay. I don't like that. Extra. It was like a deli stick pepperoni when you had to peel the skin back.
Well, I'll never be able to eat one of those again. Yes. Not a slim drum. Yeah, yeah.
That'll cut no sin pipe in my windpipe. Wow. You have a lot of gay catchphrases. Yeah.
My goodness. All right. Run HIV. I like your style.
This is incredible. I'm black and I'm gay. That's a lot of AIDS. I've been dipping in time in my whole life, baby.
Okay. All right. I mean, like a tank bottom. Am I correct about this?
I do it all. Okay. You do everything. I do it all, baby.
The Puerto Rican boyfriend's fine with that. Yeah. He's like a small one. You just had him taller than you and you called him small.
Yeah. I like him small. I like it. You know when like a small dog mounts a big dog and it's kind of funny?
Yeah. Oh, I love it. He's a spinner. Yeah.
It's like a chihuahua on a great day. Okay. I got you. You don't need to name any more dogs.
I got it. I got it. A little guy. I got it.
I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.
Go, Jack. I'm a waiter. You're a waiter. Full-time baby.
Okay. You're a snake. What? Sound a snake.
Okay. At a steakhouse. Yes, sir. I get it.
I got it. Hey baby. Go, Jack. I'm old show.
Where's young? You're the same age. Oh, you look older. Hey.
I love it. Go, Jack. You live here now? Yeah.
a year and a half. What do you love about us in Texas? Oh, I got a hand job from a twinkling of mullet at the lake. They don't have that in Philly.
OK, was his name Uncle Laser? A hand job at the lake. Were you in the lake when it happened? We're all on a boat, baby.
Wow. Black people on a boat, holla. OK, yes, they usually are hollering for help. Black people on a boat.
You've got a lot of people. How did you get the hand job? How'd you pull that off? Start to speak.
It was all nude. It was a hippie holla. So everybody wasn't naked, so. Wow, so just a bunch of hand jobs everywhere.
Gay guys on a boat just come everywhere. God, I'd rather take a submarine down to the Titanic. Exhausting. That's like a lot of ticket here.
OK, all right. Awesome. To get here, you know, you just signed up on a piece of paper. The guy behind the curtain wouldn't open it.
You gotta sign up and you're not going out there. Incredible. Co-Jack, you know, being gay seems like you guys get to do whatever you want. Was your Puerto Rican boyfriend on the boat with you?
Oh, that's funny to you. I was asking a serious question. Yeah, he was with some black dude. Oh, OK.
Well, where's that my open? OK, don't get any ideas. No, no, no, no. I'm not, don't worry.
But if you ever had any close calls, have you ever thought maybe you got AIDS or something one night? HIV, whatever I know. I know you guys get all serious, but. Yeah, we got a plan, people, for that.
Oh, you do? Yeah, they cured HIV and AIDS, by the way. OK. Nobody has it anymore.
A D-Manus does not seem to agree with you at all. He's famously homophobic D-Manus. Old school black man will not go with the flow on it whatsoever. He cannot believe he is literally angry that there is a pill that cures AIDS.
If D-Manus found out that sucking a dick would cure his blindness, he'd be like, I'm good. My fault, man. My fault, I don't like sucking dick, man. I'm just good at it.
No. All right, co-jack, we're not going to win back D-Manus. All right, co-jack, fun times. Congratulations.
We got a little joke book for you. Actually, you know what? Since you're gay, we're going to give you a key chain. We have new key chains from Bonesite.
Handmaid says, K-T, go home. There you go. I love you guys. Hey, go!
Very fun. He's a black and east gay, folks. No, Jack. Summer, the coolest place in the house was in your freezer.
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Oh, Lord, yes. Conditions apply. See website for details. All right, hold another name out of the bucket.
Let's all meet them together. Your next comedian goes by the name of Alex Hampt-Man. Alex Hampt-Man. Here we go, everyone.
Oh, what the fuck is up, comedy mothership? All right, I got a question. How do you guys feel about bird watchers? That's the right answer.
I'm pretty skeptical, too, right? I mean, who else do we know that likes to hang out in bushes with a pair of binoculars with hopes that they're going to catch a sweet, sweet glimpse at a fine specimen, right? It's a bit of a hot take, but I think that bird watchers are just perverts on their best behavior. I can't even tell you how fucking stoked I am to be here.
Right now, it took me three flights to get here. And on one of them, I had this lady, and she just kept trying to get me to go in the lavatory with her. And don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to make it into the Mile High Club. There was just one thing wrong with this lady.
She was no less than 85 years old. Now, don't get me wrong, I love cave diving in ancient ruins as much as the next guy. But I work in architecture, and I can recognize an unstable structure when I see one. Alex, pantman, you think you like cave diving, you should have seen the last comedian out there.
So let's talk about it, Alex. You called it a lavatory. Lavatory. Lavatory?
Lavatory. Why do you call it that? That's what you're saying. What?
Because that's what you're saying. What? The lavatory. OK.
You can call it whatever you want. I've heard it a lot of different ways. You can call it a lavatory. If you want to enunciate it, a lavatory.
I usually just fill up my mouth. But my question is, why are you calling it that instead of a bathroom? Because that's what they call it. It's read the sign that says lavatory.
Ah. Now I've convinced you to go with lavatory all of a sudden. I've completely changed your enunciation. I like that you started with the bird watching.
A lot of people are afraid to wade into that because we're such a polarized nation. But you're like, fuck this shit right into the bird watching. Suggestion would be, the opening line of that bit should be, I think that bird watchers are just perverts on their best behavior. That should be the opening line.
And then you can kind of back the joke a little bit. But I think that's a funny thought to start with. Yeah. Appreciate it.
No doubt. Absolutely. Great advice. Straight to the good stuff.
And you also gave a lot of information on your, you said that you're stoked to be here. You took three flights to be here. But that didn't really apply to the story that you told about the old lady. How where did you come from to where it was three flights?
I flew all the way here from Oregon. Oregon. Wow. That is unbelievably the people here in this room tonight think that things are farther away than they actually are.
I flew it from the far way land. The 39th state of the United States of America. Three flights. So was that just cost effective to take the three flight?
$11. $11? No way. Miles and $11.
Wow. Look at that. Which flight did the old lady want to fuck you on? Yeah.
Which way did the flight was that? San Diego, Dawson. Yeah. You should have done it for the story.
That would be a great opening line. I fucked an 85-year-old woman on the way here. You got my attention. 85?
85? I mean, that's out of your range? I coded it 76. OK.
That's very patriotic of you. That's his range. 17 to 70 cents. Too much fun.
But an 85-year-old doesn't have a chance with you, huh? That would be real hot. Wow. Or just take her dentures out.
OK. All right. Look at you. Dirty fuck.
Alex, what do you do for work? I'm an architect. Ooh. So I was like, I don't want to be just the best of that serial killer.
I didn't hear about this. An architect? A big hulking architect. Yeah.
Shit. That was a bad thing. That was a very good company. And how long have you been doing stand-up, Alex?
About a year. Where at? In Oregon. Where in Oregon.
I find it strange that you just keep calling it by the state. Central Oregon in Bend. OK, like Eugene? No, no, Bend, Oregon.
Oh, got you. Yeah. Got you. Yeah.
How far from Portland? Two and a half hours. Ah. Yeah.
I don't know if I think about Oregon except I feel like chime in. What do you do for fun out there in the middle of fucking nowhere? You're two and a half hours away from a dumpster fire called Portland. Mostly mountain bike and snowboard.