Welcome to episode 69. I kind of still want to giggle about that. There's a little bit of a childish school girl in me. It wasn't 69 like the funniest number when you were 12 years old, but I'm excited about being on my 69th episode because I am celebrating.
Last week, Here to Thrive crossed over 100,000 downloads. Man, almighty me. That was a place that I didn't probably ever think was possible to get to. So this is just a big shout out to say thank you for listening to Here to Thrive.
Thank you for supporting this podcast with downloading your episodes and your words of thanks. I can't tell you how much they mean to me. So thank you for helping this podcast grow and reach such an awesome milestone. I also wanted to mention that in January, 2018, I'm going to be running my first workshop series.
I'm going to do four live workshops over four weeks to kick off the new year with a small group of people. I'm not taking any more than 25 to really help you start the new year off connected, aligned, and ready to go for it. If that workshop series is potentially something that you could be interested in, like I said, it's a live workshop series. So there will be the opportunity to interact and get group coaching on what's going on for you or upgrade to one-on-one coaching options.
So if you're interested in that, check out my website next week. We'll talk a little bit about why it's not up there later in the podcast or jump over on my mailing list so that you are one of the first to be updated when it is released at thrive.how. I've also got another pretty funny story that I'm going to save until the end of the podcast. So if you want to hear me laughing at myself later in the podcast, just keep your earbuds in.
I've got an entertaining story that I will save until the end. But today, let me get back on topic. My, my, I want to talk about not fighting what is in life. Specifically, I mean acceptance.
I want to talk about what acceptance is. I want to talk through how we can manage our disappointments and how misnet expectations can make us feel. And ultimately how acceptance is our own path to freedom. This is something that I've seen as a reoccurring theme with a lot of my clients recently, something that seems to be in the air at the moment that a number of them have needed to talk through.
So I'm thinking if I'm having these conversations and private coaching sessions, then there are many of you that could benefit from it too. So here goes. Welcome to here to thrive. I'm your host, Kate Snowwise.
This is a podcast for people who are ready to step up and live a happier life. It's for those of us who are dedicated to understanding ourselves and getting the best that we can out of this thing called life. It's a mix of psychology and modern spiritual thought, always with a focus on practical advice so that you can take it back and apply it to your own life. I don't believe we're here to merely survive.
I truly believe we're here to thrive. So let's get going. Now I want to start this off with a quote. I found this one online when I was Google searching acceptance and it's from Rachel Walsh in things are as they are.
We suffer because we imagined different. I believe that. I believe that our suffering comes from not liking what is in front of us, not accepting reality as it is. That is our human suffering.
Now along with that, the flip side is that acceptance is freedom. So to borrow from Buddhist ideology, it's the idea that pain is unavoidable, but the suffering bit is optional. So the Buddhists would say that suffering is based on our outlook and whether we accept or fight what is right in front of us. Now, most of us at times have trouble accepting what is.
I have trouble accepting what is sometimes, but I can now catch myself when I am having that reaction and kind of hit the override button. And that comes from knowledge. And my hope is that this discussion by talking through this and you listening, you'll start to notice when you are also fighting what is, and you'll be able to put your own override buttons in place. You'll be able to switch your mindset, even if not all the time, a little bit more frequently than ever.
The situations where people have trouble accepting what is, they are as vast as the ocean is wide. But what I have seen in myself and other people, maybe they didn't get the house they hoped for. Perhaps the job you wanted slipped through your fingers. Maybe you felt that someone had wronged you and you just wished your relationship with them could be different.
Or I pretty much always see this with my clients who are going through heartbreak when the relationship that they were deeply invested in has ended not by their choice. I feel like suffering then is some of the deepest suffering we feel. And so much of that comes from us not being happy about the situation we find ourselves in. Us not wanting to be in that situation and fighting against it.
But the thing is, that wishing things were different doesn't get you anywhere. It's actually the very thing that keeps you perpetually stuck. Recognizing and accepting how things are is the very thing that frees you to start moving forward again. Basically, you're only hurting yourself by holding on to your frustration and hurt or desire for things to be different.
You hurt yourself when you fight what is. Now when I think about my own life, I know the times that I felt my most intense reaction to being unhappy about how my life was, wanting it to be different, my real painful suffering. It was usually in situations where I felt like I was no longer in control of my life or the situation. I feel like it's almost when I see it in myself, it's almost like a form of inner rebellion of me saying, I don't like this.
No, I don't want things to be like this. I am not happy. Like a little kind of inner self tantrum. And I see the same thing in my clients.
So often this is related to our deep need to feel in control. We humans don't like it when we don't feel like we're in control. Some of us are bigger control freaks than others, but most of us like our fair share of it. A little story came to mind when I was thinking about this, and I thought it would be an interesting way to illustrate it.
So last year when I was in Houston, I went and saw one of my favorite teachers speak, Panash Desai. I should try and get him on the podcast, note to self. And he took this idea of accepting what is a step further than what I've just been talking about here. A woman stood up in the audience and she said that she was really struggling with intense pain.
Now her pain was chronic. It couldn't be healed. It wasn't just going to miraculously go away. And she had tried multiple forms of traditional treatment.
The truth was that she was just going to have to live with the pain. Now what Panash said was it was her relationship with her pain that was the most important thing. It wasn't the pain itself. And he asked her, how do you feel about your pain?
If you feel angry every time you're in pain, you are fighting what is. When you're unhappy that the pain is there, you are not accepting what is. And in a sense, she admitted that she was. She was fighting her pain.
She was fighting her experience. She wasn't going with the flow of what was. He suggested that if she could accept the pain, that she would find it so much easier to live with, that it wouldn't cause her the suffering that it currently was. Of course, it was a totally spiritual self-help atmosphere.
So this woman immediately accepted that answer as a possibility. Don't know if that would go down in most circles, but I want you to just suspend judgment because that is the extreme version of accepting what is. But it comes down to knowing what you can change and knowing what you can't. I've never had to apply this type of lesson in a physical sense in touch with I don't and that you don't either.
But I've definitely had my fair share of emotional disappointments and I've noticed how much better I'm getting at managing those. So another illustration, and this goes back to what I was saying about the workshop series I'm going to be writing in January. I had intended to get it out as an offering to the world this week and my well-laid intentions went awry. Literally, earlier in the week, I was tweaking some stuff on my webpage, trying to make it look pretty, and then decided I was going to go all out programmer.
Now, I've been told off by my close friends and my husband for doing this. I've still got some stuff I'm working on. Like, when do we go? But when I was trying to upgrade to a secure site, I literally killed my entire website.
Not just the page I was working on, but every single thing. The whole lot disappeared into the ethers. Didn't have any idea where I'd gone. And it wasn't just the website that was gone.
It was all of my backend access. Like, I didn't even have access to anything that remotely resembled any part frontend or backend of where my website had been. I went to bed having had some help desk support, a little chat support, and the wonderful guy on the other end telling me that I just had to wait eight hours and see what happened after things repopulated. Great.
Awesome. Just eight hours. So my immediate reaction was, oh my gosh, there are years worth of work on my website. The last time I did a backup was way too long ago that I don't even want to admit it on here.
And there is a very good chance that it's all gone. And then I started thinking about the potential dead links floating around the internet and what if I have to build a whole new site? And it was a little bit heavy. But I'll admit, like, this is just a technology issue.
This is not like, I know other people like other stuff that's a little bit heavy. But I want to illustrate how this idea of fighting what is goes across the board. And the truth is that the me of six years ago, that me would have had a complete and utter meltdown. Like, I literally would have been a panic monkey and would have lost my mind.
But this is when I was like, whoa, I've come a long way. Because I had within a minute, literally, moved to a place of acceptance of the situation. I recognized that there was nothing I could do about it in the moment. It was what it was.
The situation had occurred. I couldn't go back. I couldn't at that stage move forward. And there was no amount of me being pissed about it or throwing my proverbial toys out of my crib that was going to make a lick of difference to the situation.
That's when I realized that that reaction was only going to amplify my own hurt and suffering. But how did I get there? How did the me of six years ago, who would have had a complete panic attack, turn into the me of today that takes a deep breath and goes, huh, I accept what is. Like I said, I'm not perfect at everything, but I've come a long way here.
And the first step is honestly acknowledging that you are resisting the situation you're in. Acknowledging that you are struggling to accept the way things are right now. You have to acknowledge that to yourself. You have to be honest about it.
You have to step back from your own experience and be like, oh, I'm not liking what is happening right now. Now, don't get me wrong. You're allowed to have emotions here. You're allowed to feel sad.
You're allowed to feel hurt. You're allowed to feel let down, especially when we're dealing with things like heartbreak and huge disappointments. I don't expect you just to sweep the tough emotions under the carpet. It is so much healthier to go into all of those.
But there is a natural grieving process that takes place. You can get stuck in the pain, which turns to suffering if you don't acknowledge that you are feeling really unhappy with the reality you are facing. So you first of all have to acknowledge that you're in a situation that you're not happy about. The second step is to also acknowledge that you have the power to accept it.
That is a mindset switch. Like I said, you'll know when that's time is right for you, but have that as your goal to move towards. If you don't want to stay stuck in a rut forever, if you want to move forward, then you need to be moving towards acceptance. Commit to that being your aim.
Commit to accepting the situation you're in rather than fighting what is. Now, for me, when it comes to a mindset issue like this, my thoughts are crucial to my success. And one of the things that has been my biggest ally when I am facing disappointment or broken expectations is I come back to a thought that anchors me and reassures me. So you can call it a mantra or an affirmation or just a thought, but I encourage you to find one that works for you.
And don't do a bunch of them. Just find one that really resonates and use it frequently enough until it really is etched in your brain. And you'll be amazed at how much holding onto a thought like that in your moments of pain can really change your perception and experience of what you're going through. So some of my favorite thoughts, all is in right order.
This is happening for me, not to me. So all is in right order. This is happening for me, not to me. Another good one.
Acceptance is my path to freedom. And one I've used for years, what is meant for me will never miss me. What is truly meant for me will never miss me. I will write those three mantras in the show notes.
And I'll also be over on my website under forward slash podcast 69. Finally, if you can find a song that helps you snap into the vision of yourself that you want to be something that inspires you or soothes your soul with all the right words. Oh, I'm a big believer in the power of music. So if you are struggling with heartbreak, one that I think I have maybe mentioned before on the podcast, but my oh my, I feel like the words just resonate.
And I know it has worked really well for some of my clients who are facing heartbreak is one that India are re-released this year. And it's called Just Let It Go. It's seriously like a power anthem, but a really soothing one. So find that on Spotify, wherever you listen.
So I hope that just gets you thinking, gets you thinking about, does part of my suffering come from fighting against life? Am I fighting against what is? Could I set myself free by accepting what is? Would I be happier if I could more promptly move towards acceptance in situations that I'm not happy about?
It truly is such an empowering path and a path that will lighten the load that you're carrying. It's like taking weights off your shoulders, I swear. And if you need a reminder, listen to this again. Keep this, keep this recording somewhere that you can pull on it every time you need to give yourself a little reminder.
So talking about a funny story I wanted to share with you. I had a friend come to stay with me from Houston. I live in Minneapolis now. And she's a good friend.
She listens to my podcast, which makes her a good friend, right? And we were having a couple of glasses of wine and she starts chuckling as she talks about my accent on the podcast. My husband was there too. It's always more entertaining when you have an audience, right?
You know, I've learned a lot. lot of americanisms you know i know that it's not rubbish over here it's trash i know not to call it a nappy it's a diaper and you know what i even called what a baby sleeps in in here a crib instead of a cot like i have come a long way and i'm sure many of you still are like what is she saying and if you're wondering where my accent's from i'm from new zealand and i've lived in the states for coming out five years but she was saying about how entertaining it is every single time i closed my podcast and mentioned my website name so if you don't know my website it's thrive dot how but because it's got such a crazy weird extension like dot how no one has a dot how i have a dot how i always feel the need to be really specific about the fact that it is a website so i say and and wait for it dub dub dub dot thrive dot how everybody in new zealand would say dub dub dub for w w w worldwide web and when i was thinking about it i was like i guess most americans probably would just not even say that and just be like katesnowise.com by the way that will also take you to my website but she was literally cracking up and then i was cracking up at the fact that apparently no one in america or canada knows what dub dub dub is so for all 69 episodes thus far i've been saying something that you've either probably found insanely hilarious or haven't understood at all the best bit is she didn't want to tell me because she loved it so much because it made her chuckle every time so now i've killed her buzz because now i'm going to be really uncomfortably saying www dot thrive dot how so that's my funny story i can laugh at myself i hope you find my accent entertaining in new zealand just a parody about santa lists and how kids get all the wrong stuff because of their outrageous accents that happens in my life too i get all the wrong stuff drive-thrus wrong names on phone bills it's fun so that's my wrap-up i hope you can understand me i hope you're enjoying my kiwi accent i hope it keeps you entertained at times and if you don't know what i'm saying slow down the listen again and i will keep scrubbing up on my americanisms but i do have to say that like words like aluminum in new zealand that's aluminium americans like condense it and dub dub dub must be the only thing that kiwis condense that americans make longer www like how painful is that okay enough about my accent issues so look for it next week the live workshop offering will be up on my website and this week just keep the idea of acceptance as a theme in your life keep it in the back of your mind look for where you can practice it it's always a joy showing up thank you for the hundred thousand downloads and i'll be back next week so i'm keep writing you