69 Good and Bad Sex in Catholic Marriages: What are the Moral Limits?

Opening Questions (connect to vignettes) Cindy wants to know, "Is oral sex okay in marriage? -- My husband every now and then likes it if I give him a blowjob, just for some variety in our sex life and he says there's no moral problem with that and it turns him on, but I'm not sure what I think and feel about that."    Barbara asks "In episode 61, in the story of Jeff and Joanne, you seemed to say that the husband's kissing of breasts was wrong, that it was disordered.  But I like it when my husband kisses my breasts during foreplay, and it really helps me to be sexually stimulated -- so is that off-limits in a Catholic marriage?" Bill raises the question "I really get turned on when my wife bites me, it helps me to have sex with her, I find I don't have to use Viagra then -- is that ok, or is it better for me to use the Viagra?  I don't want to not be able to have the fullness of sexual intimacy with her…"  The last two episodes brought up questions. These were not the actual questions, but questions like them came up.Today we're going get into this more deeply -- and into how to think about the moral quality of sexual acts in Catholic marriage.  Intro: Welcome to the podcast Interior Integration for Catholics In this podcast, we confront the tough questions we Catholics have in our day-to-day lives, we confront head on our struggles in the natural realm, the psychological difficulties that keep us from fully loving our Lord and our Lady in a deep, personal, intimate way. This podcast helps you focus inward on your interior integration -- to help you bring together the different parts of yourself into unity and harmony with God. 'Together, we are on a journey toward deep transformation in our mindsets, our heartsets and our bodysets, a radical transformation at the core of our being so that our souls can one day enter into contemplative union with God. I’m clinical psychologist Peter Malinoski and I am here with you, to be your host and guide.  This podcast is part of Souls and Hearts, our online outreach at soulsandhearts.com, which is all about shoring up our natural foundation for the Catholic spiritual life, all about overcoming psychological obstacles to being loved and to loving God and neighbor This is episode 69, released on May 24, 2021 And it is titled:   Good and Bad Sex in Catholic Marriages: What are the Moral Limits? How far is too far? That all depends on the direction you are going! Augustine -- evil as a privation of the good.  Evil is what happens when there is a vacuum because there isn't any good around.  So if you are attempting to just avoid evil -- makes sure there's no evil in your sex life, you're trying to make a privation of the privation of good.  It's much better to reorient and seek what is good, what is best, whatever that may mean for your sex life.  Even if you may have to give up some things from which you derive pleasure.  Not to condemn the physical pleasure of sexual intimacy -- Not at all Bring that into an ordered hierarchy Lot of confusion about the morality of different sexual expressions Lack of clear guidance on this, almost like a conspiracy of silence when it comes to really getting into specifics.  Lot of terrible advice from all kinds of Catholic sources as well.  It may be well intentioned, but it causes harm.  I could be making mistakes here too -- a lot of this is new territory and not well defined.  -- And to that end, I invite feedback, especially if I teach anything that is in error.  Please get in touch with me at [email protected] or at 317.567.9594 on Tuesdays and Thursdays between 4:30 PM and 5:30 PM Eastern time in conversations hours.  Citations -- Catechism, Church documents, Canon Law, Denzinger's Compendium, Ludwig Ott Fundamentals of Catholic DogmaDon't email me and tell me that a confessor you went to ten years ago said that anything goes sexually in your marriage and God doesn't mind at all as long as it all leads to vaginal intercourse in the end. That's not helpful.   Learning to reflect and consider thoughtfully our sexual intimacy.Ways of approaching sexual morality Some people want a list List of Dos and Don’ts List of approved sexual activities and a list of activities that are not approved.  Simple, easy to understand, doesn't require much reflection -- is the activity on the good list or the bad list?And there is a bad list -- actually, a pretty long one Acts that can never be ordered, never be oriented to procreation by their very nature Examples Anal sex -- anatomically, anal sex cannot lead to procreation. Oral sex performed by a wife on a husband in which he ejaculates Fetishes in which some body part becomes the focus of sexual interest, like feet or ears or navel or an external object like shoes or underwear Acts that cannot ever be oriented to the bond of marriage because they are degrading to the human person Emphasis on "consenting adults" Issue of mutual hedonism.  -- very worldly Using the spouse for mutual masturbation Using the spouse as a sex toy Examples Impact Play -- spanking, flogging, paddling -- power and domination Bondage -- restraints, dominance and submission -- use of leather belts or handcuffs. Voyeurism -- watching porn together Roleplaying -- power dynamics -- teacher /student Erotic asphyxiation (EA) is the official term for breath play. From healthline.com  This type of sexual activity involves intentionally cutting off the air supply for you or your partner with choking, suffocating, and other acts.  People who are into breath play say it can heighten sexual arousal and make orgasms more intense.  But it isn’t without its risks — and lots of them. It can turn deadly if you don’t take the proper precautions. Does not capture anything like the complexityCatholic Understanding of the morality of human acts Check out with the catechism of the Catholic Church, paragraphs 1749 to 1761 for an excellent discussion of how to evaluate the morality of any given act, including sexual acts.  Very much worth reading We are going to do a brief review of how to evaluate the morality of acts, specifically sexual acts And I promise we won't get to technical or philosophical, will keep this clear CCC 1750 The morality of human acts depends on: - the object chosen; - the end in...