7.9.20 12:28AM

looking at my shadow and I shrug a silhouette of who I once was Am I afraid to really open up told my mama how I felt about myself and show enough she didn't hear me all she heard was she ain't really done enough all her effort gon to waste because her son is poker face and he accepts his fate that he will not achieve much America is so corrupt I attended the college but I noticed I'm not learning much she said you only 20 you just haven't made your mind up God is standing right behind us let him show you what ur purpose and I tell her mommy listen not opposed to optimism I'm compliant with your wisdom but I have seen so much with just my eyes I know I'm in my right mind there's a pattern in our timeline and I cry to god why do I cry, god why you make earth for me and liter it with pythons and poisons and shoot outs and oppression with no cure for my depression mom, I'm not afraid to fail the mission cause treat my failures as learning lessons but please hear me for a second what if I really go and give my all spread my wings and jump but fall and break my legs are you expecting me to crawl who really has the answers to it all I know I'm loved and all know that I am capable but I'm, not even present half the time in all my conversations I must play a role inside my mind I'm not interested in 9-5s and even though I want the most I don't know how to comply or even settle then she tells me that I'm negative my outlook is upsetting and I'm special and I'm gifted but I look at all my peers and I can't even peep the difference just cause we have different interests doesn't mean that I'm a shoo-in tell god he has to prove it how many praying on the daily but ain't getting any improvement college student feel stupid unamused useless this degree don't change the views in the wallet in my pocket or the roads that I am walking if my purpose has been chosen long ago before I wrote this tell me why minds corroded tell me why are you so scared if you so certain bout this purpose then there's no doubt ill make it there but your tears show me fears and even you cannot explain why were here why am I here 20 years old I'm on my own with no show reaching goals but losing soul left the state to make a home I make mistakes with ones who know me best and bonds I won't forget maybe even some regrets the experience I've had is pretty full but none the less you cannot change the world or the people whos inside it see my girl and she be crying way too often know that it's my fault I know I caused it reflections of my father and his choices but a baby I avoided got his temper and his taste maybe habits and his name I'm not ashamed yeah I love him and I claim but I cannot help but think that there was much that undeveloped and I act the way I act because of that It's not an act through its fact like Snapple caps that's cheesy raps he taught me that but teach me how to throw a ball teach me how to treat a woman when she balls teach me how to get my fist up out the wall teach me how to pick myself up when I fall I run away from problems that I cause maybe cause you did that when your backs against the wall deny it if you want I'm not gon judge or treat you salt when I'm feeling off my mic is how I let it off people treat me like I know it all but I never get involved in anything at all that I know cannot evolve and as my life unfolds I try to solve the reasons why I'm here at all the reasons why I'm here alone the reasons why I roll up smoke the reasons whats the reason that my girl doesn't trust me anymore she said she loves me faithfully but I confide I am hiding cause I'm scared that im a loser and ill loser her chasing rapper dreams instead of stacking green anxieties attacking me paranoia after me that's my everyday casualties but life keeps moving rapidly and eventually, it captures me