Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Brian Ray-Ban, ladies and gentlemen, and the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos, Abel Grande, Michael Gonzalez, Big Mike on the drums. This is Sean Greenberg joining us again here tonight.
Matt Muelling's away. The great John Dees on the keys. And this is, believe it or not, the one and only, the great and powerful, the force of nature, D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, my God.
What a special vibe in the room tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible, other than Bluetooth, ZipRecruiter, and Shopify, who are exclusively the sponsors of this episode. Here's the others. Did you know that everyday activities like ASMR can actually be healthy for you?
Right now, you're improving your heart health, boosting your brain activity. And lowering your stress. Manulife wants you to see healthy living differently, so you can live a longer, healthier life. Visit manulife.ca slash health to learn more ways Manulife can help.
The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's show?
You know, every single week, I book two of the best comedians in the world. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. And this week is no different.
It's not St. Paddy's Day, but they are both extremely Irish. One is one of the greatest MCs in comedy store history. The first man to ever bring me on stage, May 7, 2007.
And the other one is truly one of my favorite comedians, one of my favorite drink. I'm going to go both to my favorite comedians. Make some noise for tonight's guests. It's Chris O'Connor and Ryan O'Neill, everybody.
Monsters. Two of the funniest people I know. Ryan O'Neill. Chris O'Connor.
It's the O episode of Kill Tony. Welcome to the show, guys. Ryan O'Neill. Chris O'Connor.
What an exciting start to the episode. Guns a-blazin'. Everything is happening. Ryan O'Neill has the Slop Quest podcast, and he's at Ryan O'Neill Comedy on everything with two L's.
Chris O'Connor is one of the stars of the show, Tires. I don't know if you guys know the number one comedy series in the world. He's in Cleveland on August 15th and 16th. achrisoconnor.com.
Literally the world's first website for tickets. Achris O'Connor. Is there an apostrophe on that website? He is Chris O'Connor Comedy on everything social media.
Very, very exciting. We are going to have some fun tonight. You guys, Ryan O'Neill was a guest, I believe, very early on. Yeah.
11, 12 years ago. Belly room, main room. You've done it all. I've done it all.
First time at the mothership. Ryan O'Neill moved here this week. One of the best comedians in the world. Thank you.
Chris O'Connor moved here last year. One of the best comedians in the world. It's very exciting. But you guys know how it works.
You've all done it. 230 tonight, ladies and gentlemen. 230. Waiting in a bar next door, hoping that they get pulled out of this bucket.
I'm going to let the world's palest woman pull the first name here. There's a lot of other things I could have made fun of. I don't know why you're getting offended. I chose pale, which is the nicest of the things I could have said.
And hell yeah. So the first bucket pool is getting wrangled. You guys know how it works. When I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know the time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. I mean, it's safe to wrap it up. Then I'll say bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. Then I conduct an interview, and me and my esteemed panel all fucking have fun figuring out what else they should talk about or what else about their lives.
It's interesting. They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in 60 seconds. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen.
You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we are going to watch a golden ticket winner start the show with a brand new minute, everybody. The calm, cool styles of Make Some Noise for Colin Sledge, everyone. A new minute from Colin Sledge.
Thank you. I'm here to bust it wide open. I got picked on in school when I was growing up. One time this kid put a sticker on my back that said, kick me.
He thought that was funny. So I put a sticker on his back. It was just a target. He was like, I don't get it.
I was like, you'll get it tomorrow. I was always nervous around girls growing up. I mean, I still am, but when I was growing up, my dad used to tell me, it's important remember that girls are more afraid of you than you are of them. I said, why?
He said, you're creepy. I don't like you. You're going to be alone for a long time. My parents didn't really believe in me sexually when I was growing up.
One time my parents found this girl's panties in my bedroom. My dad confirmed. He's like, so you think you're a girl, huh? Thank you.
He's done it again. Another strong new minute by the dry stylings of Colin Sledge. Welcome back, Colin. Thank you.
Is this true? Were you bullied as a kid? Something too hardcore, but yeah. How about as an adult?
Are you bullied as an adult? Only on this show. Perfect. Absolutely perfect, Colin.
And your dad, are you close to your dad? Yes, very close. I sort of live with them. Oh, you do.
How old are you? I'm 30. 30. Living with your parents.
Have you ever not lived with your parents? I went to Mississippi State for one year, and then I transferred back. To your parents' house? Yeah, well, I went to a college in Houston.
Yeah. I had a good year there, maybe. Okay, one year in Mississippi State. So you've lived with your parents.
29 out of 30 years, it says here on my spreadsheet that I have here. So what's your plan? What's my plan? Well, I was thinking about, you know, moving, getting a place here so I could sort of be in both cities at the same time.
Well, if you got a place here, you wouldn't be in the other city at the same time. Yeah, well, driving back and forth, like, well, I sort of hit a bird on the way here, and I don't want to drive back anymore because I have, like, a guilty conscience now. Wow. You hit a bird with your car.
It might have been two. I was... Was it some kind of jungle bird, perhaps, according to my co-host, Brian Redman? I think it was two doves.
I don't know if I hit both or just one, but I was... Jesus, were they turtle doves, perhaps? I don't know. I'm colorblind, so...
You might have the worst luck on planet Earth. You hit turtle doves. That means you're going to have a rough Christmas, from what I know. Yeah, it felt spiritually very damaging.
Yeah, no doubt about it. Tremendously bad luck. And doves made for life, so kill one of them. Yeah, don't remind me.
I don't want to widow a dog. I kind of hoped that I got both, though. You were asking about a job, right? Like, what was your plan for a job?
I think he just wanted me to move out of my parents' house. Yeah. Yeah, but he was like, what's the plan? You're like, oh, let's just get another place.
Oh, yeah. I mean, I teach piano and I do comedy. Oh, sick. Yeah.
Do you like living with your parents? This is pretty... Yeah, we're close. It's pretty chill.
You know, I have a garage apartment, so, you know, some degree of space. Yeah, just make sure your dad doesn't warm up the car in the morning. Fucking die, dude. So, how long have you lived in the garage?
I guess when I moved back from college, they might have built it so I would be further away from them. Yeah, around that time. College? College?
Did I say it weird? Yeah. I'm sorry. So, it's separate from the house.
It's not a direct doorway. Yeah. Okay, that's exciting. But when you say garage, does it mean there's a garage door on the front?
Well, there's a garage door and then there's a regular style door next to it. Uh-huh. But that's just all you in there. There's no cars in the garage.
Well, there's one car in the garage you can pull in the garage. So, you sleep next to a car? No, there's an apartment above the garage. Yeah, it's a garage apartment.
Okay. Yeah, I don't sleep next to the car. I mean, you're so close. You're saying it like I'm the asshole.
You sleep directly above a fucking car. So, whether it's your next door neighbor or it's just below you, you're next to a fucking car. Yeah. Up or down, side to side.
Vroom vroom. That's fair. You're next to a car, buddy. Basically, the car is on the bottom bunk.
You're in bunk beds with a car as far as I'm concerned. What kind of car is it? It's my step-mom's BMW, Susan. Oh, wow.
Wow. It seems like there's one thing in that garage that your parents don't want to live without. That's good. The BMW.
Do they ever hint to you that it's maybe time to, like, get away from them? Not really, but, you know, I sort of feel like it is time anyway. Do you have siblings? I do have a brother.
He was in Honduras. See? Your brother is the opposite of your parents' garage. It's incredible.
In fact, in Honduras, there's a chance of hitting an actual jungle bird. There it is. The sound of a jungle bird, everybody. Colin, you got it started with a new minute.
Congratulations. Fun times. That's the way that it works. Golden Ticket winner with a strong minute.
To show you how it's done, Colin Sledge. Now, this is where things get interesting because we go to the sweet, sweet bucket of destiny, which means we're about to either meet somebody or see somebody again that most likely meet somebody that these could be crazy people. It could be the next fucking great talent of the show, or it could be pure insanity. They could be a 15, 20-year veteran of comedy.
They could be a couple months in. It could be their first time. It could be whatever. You get it.
Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket poll of the night goes by the name of Surge AM. Surge AM. Here we go. Oh, shit.
What's going on, guys? Here in Austin. Yeah. That guy lived in my garage.
Oh, shit. No. Yeah. Someone once told me that human trafficking is horrible.
I look back and I go, hey, man, just because that's how I got to this country, it doesn't mean that you could fucking talk shit about my life. You know what I'm saying? My sister's part of the LGBTQ community, clap it up. But for her, that stands for, let's get another bottle of tequila.
You know, fucking drunk. Yeah. You know what doesn't really make sense? She's bisexual.
She works at Chick-fil-A. So technically, she's a LGBTQ CIA agent. Yeah. Yeah.
Immigration got her last week. Yeah. People will say, I'm a happy drunk, just hasn't gotten drunk enough. Have you ever woken up still drunk, driving on the street?
All right, Surge AM. Thank you very much. Wow. Repeating his name at the end of his set.
Like, he wants you to remember where you saw that magic come from. Surge AM. Forget the name. Wow.
How long have you been doing stand-up, Surge? I've been doing it for about a year. Okay. How often?
How often are you working this out? So, I started in my early 20s, and I started at the secret group in Houston. And I just came out to Austin. I watched the 20s on Enrique Chaconon.
I was like, dude, I remember this guy. I moved from Colorado to Austin, so I can, you know. How long have you been in Austin? For about a month.
About a month. You've been doing a lot of open mics and stuff. Yeah. You've been doing those jokes.
Yeah. Yes. Okay. And people are laughing in the room with these open mics?
Yes. They are? Yeah. Is it mostly comedians?
Sometimes they're comedians. Sometimes there's actual audience members and stuff like that. Okay. Here's the catch, Surge.
Is it almost nothing you said made any sense whatsoever? So, if there are people laughing, you're performing in front of insane people. That's the good news and the bad news. Yeah, I got you.
Ryan O'Neill. This is why we can't have Latinos anymore, sir. You're fucking it off. Yeah.
You're ruining it for everybody. Your first joke, the guy sleeps in my garage. We just talked to him about how he slept in his parents' garage for 29 years. The other year is Mississippi State, so that didn't make sense.
Human trafficking. People complain, but that's how I got here. Not really a joke. Sister's gay, but she's LGBTQ.
Let's get another bottle of tequila. Doesn't make, not a joke. Yeah, yeah. You're calling me, well, my sister's a drunk.
Like, that's a setup. Yeah, yeah. She works at Chick-fil-A, which makes her LGBTQ CIA. Why?
Why does that make her CIA? Working at Chick-fil-A. Explain that one. Just let's just go with that one.
I have questions. I have more questions than a 60-second set should ever have. About specifically, I don't even care about your life. I'm obsessed with how weird that set was.
So explain the CIA Chick-fil-A. Oh, fuck. I don't know. I just, you know.
You don't know? No, I do. You wrote it. You should at least have some fucking weird theory.
I thought about the letters. I just added the CIA at the end. But if it was Chick-fil-A, why would it be CIA? No, no.
Don't look at the audience for help. His sweaty armpits, I just like, oh shit, my bad. No, no, no. Stick with me.
I'm getting easily distracted. Yeah, yeah. So, I don't know. I fucking came up with it.
I was drunk one night and just thought about it. I thought it was funny. I thought it was funny. I don't know.
Jesus Christ. I think it's a good joke. I think it's a good joke. Serge.
And then at the end you said your sister got deported by immigration, but that didn't happen either, right? No, it did not happen. Right. Is your sister really gay?
She is gay, yeah. How do you know? She has a girlfriend. Okay.
Do you have a girlfriend? I do not. What do you do for work? I'm a server at the moment, yeah.
You're a server? Yeah. Okay. Yeah.
At a restaurant called Sawgrass. Okay. Yeah. Oh, D, you made a noise there.
You like Sawgrass? You do? What do you get when you go to Sawgrass, D Madness? Tell the truth.
Oh, you're saying steak? You're lying. No, I'm not. No, really?
He does not let anyone get a fucking thing in on him, by the way. Nope. D, how do you like your steak? Medium rare.
Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely. All right.
Serge, what do you do for fun? Give us one good redeeming quality about you. Something that's going to make this whole room like you out of fucking nowhere. I just used to make music and stuff like that.
What kind of music would you make? I just freestyled and... Listen to the noise the crowd makes when there's someone that we all know will not be good at freestyling. There is a 0% chance this is going to go good.
This is going to be incredible. Chris O'Connor. It's just letters for me. LGBTQ CIA.
I was having a really good day up until now. Until I got pulled out of the pocket. Turns out I still get this. All right, Serge.
How long did you freestyle for? This is something you took kind of seriously? Yeah, yeah. I moved out of Colorado and I was making music and music videos and stuff like that.
Ladies and gentlemen, talk to Michael about a beat. Michael, play it nice and light so we can all hear exactly what the hell he's saying. And this, ladies and gentlemen, on a show where absolutely anything can happen, is Surge AM. Yeah, um, I guess my set was actually pretty phony.
I don't even know. I got my 60 seconds on Kill Tony. Clap it up. Here we go once again.
When I shine, I will never show anybody that I pretend. Yo, fuck it. My sister is gay. I made it every day as my motherfucking host, but you know that I don't even care about these hoes.
I'm a go-getter. God, that's me. Everybody knows when I never fucking sleep by writing stupid jokes. Yeah, that was exactly how I thought it was going to go.
Surge, here's a little joke book. Oh, boy. Wow. Wow.
There he goes. Surge AM, everybody. Make some noise for Surge. He tried his best.
Tried his best. Oh, listen to that pop. The great Heidi has arrived, everybody. There she is, live in the flesh.
All right. Keep it moving along. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jason Vest, everyone. Jason Vest.
I lost my virginity at the Asian massage parlor by a saggy, tittied, wrinkly, old-ass Asian woman that looked like Mr. Miyagi. She had a raspy voice. She was like, yes.
Her name was Mama-san. She taught me many lessons, and this is what she taught me. When paying for pussy at the Asian massage parlor, always tell Mama-san you have a latex allergy. Even when you don't, there's a pretty good chance she can not accommodate your request, and you'll get bareback sacks for free.
Make sure your happy ending ends with you nutting in that bitch's service. Yeah. Drain your ballsack, not your bank account. Always tell Mama-san, always ask Mama-san if she's got a new girl on rotation.
Add some variety to your Asian pussy portfolio, guys. All right. Thank you. All right.
Jason Vest. Admitting to rape, as this comedy said tonight. Whoa. What?
It's contextual. How are you? Doing good, Tony. I'm doing good.
I've always wondered what Santa's elves do in the off-season. This is incredible. So, last time, you were on the show before, and you did. You talked about a lot of crazy, like, sex stuff, and here you are, guns a-blazin', right on brand.
Is any of this true? Oh, yeah. I'm the Anthony Bourdain Asian pussy, man. I was always going to massage parlors.
Wow. And what happened? You said that like it's in the past now. You no longer go?
I'm reformed, and now I just help men achieve success by giving advice, helping my brethren out. How did you reform? How did I reform? I got married.
Okay. She said, well, you can't be having sex with Asian pussy anymore, so I've been married for 20 years, guys. 20 years. Wow.
20 years. No one's excited about that. Do a woman. Do a woman.
She's going to love this shit. Yeah. Do a woman. Amazing.
So, Jason, remind us. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years. And what do you do for work?
I'm retired from the National Guard. Whoa. Wow. Thank you for your service, I guess.
Where did you serve, exactly? The North Pole. There it is. The sweet son of Santa landed on the roof.
I was a recruiter for the National Guard in Jackson, Michigan, Lake George, New York, and I worked in Chicago, Illinois, too, for a while. Okay. Wow. Some of the places where we need our military the most.
Okay. What's the craziest thing that happened? What's the most, like, violent thing you had to do in the military at the National Guard? The most violent thing I ever had to do?
I never really had to do anything violent. And I was a recruiter, so it's like a basic job. People come in, and they want to join the military. You lie to them to get them to join.
It's just a simple process. What's a trick you would use to get them to join? I would tell them anything. Like, let's say someone came in, and they wanted to be a cook, right?
Nobody who joins the military wants to cook the damn food. They want to do, like, cool Rambo shit. So I'd be like, listen, you're going to be, like, an executive chef or the president or some shit. Oh.
Very good. I was a top recruiter for the Michigan Army National Guard, Tony. We talked about this. Wow.
Damn. A lot. Fraggadocious. Incredible.
Okay, Jason, what's something interesting about you that we didn't find out last time you were on the show? Something interesting about me. I am a compulsive eater. Oh, okay.
Let's talk about it. I mean, my wife's got to hide the peanut butter jars. I am a compulsive eater. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and I just traded for food.
I just traded booze and everything for food, and I just compulsively... What's the most piggish thing you've ever done eating food? I spent $45 in DoorDash from Whataburger. Wow.
That's actually not that bad. Yeah, it's not. That's like... I've seen your food order.
I follow you. Yeah. Those middle-of-the-night Instagram stories by Red Band. Wendy's.
Oh, yeah. No doubt about it. Jason, what does your wife do? My wife is a photographer, and she works for an orthodontist office, and so she runs, like, a call center.
She works from home, and she helps me edit my videos. And remind us, what kind of videos are you making, Jason? I make content. I make a lot of massage parlor videos where I use my past experiences to help men get Asian pussy.
Like, I do that as a service, Tony. No one needs this advice. Have you been? Yes, you just pay for sex.
Great. No, that's the point. He's taking etiquette. How dare you?
The condom is for your protection. Oh, no, I go bareback, brother. Bareback. Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God. Bareback. You are the fucking weirdest dude. Can't quite figure it out.
You're an interesting guy. What's the craziest video that you've ever made? The craziest video I ever made was a true story. So, I got unkilled 20 last time, and my social media clips blew up.
I told a drunken story. And these big corporate whiskey lobbyists reached out to me and asked me to make content to get people to stop drinking Crown Royal, because in Canada, they're throwing American whiskey off the shelves over this Donald Trump pair of bullshit. And they wanted me to make videos. And first off, I grew up in Michigan on this reporter.
I'm like, I feel comfortable doing it. And the guy was like, it's $700 for a 30-second video. I'm like, fuck Canada. Some of the best stories are drinking American whiskey.
Am I right? Jack Daniels. Hell yeah. Fireball.
All right, Jason. What size joke book did you get last time? I got a big one. Okay, well, guess what?
Here's a little something to add to your collection. It's a little one. Ah, the first catch of the night, Jason Best. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.
You guys having fun out there, huh? A couple of very odd bucket polls to start the show, but it's okay. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Patrick Lake, everyone.
Patrick Lake. When cops that are looking to get laid get rejected, do they jump straight into, stop resisting, stop resisting, stop resisting. A doctor's office from my hometown was raided. The doctor there was arrested and charged with crimes related to trading sex for pills and sexual imposition on patients.
And as a patient of that practice, when news broke, I couldn't believe that someone told. That was Dr. Feelgood. I went to doc for back pain.
Everything started normal enough. Doc started checking me over and doing those resistance checks. You know, don't let me push your arm down. Good.
Then the other side. Good. Don't let me pull your pants down. Wait, what?
But before I could say anything, my pants and drawers were at my ankles. And doc said, don't let me make you cum. Well, doctor. And if I stood there getting topped off by my doctor, I realized I didn't know my insurance covered this and I didn't even have copay.
Patrick Lake. Hello, buddy. How are you? Doing well.
How are you? Good. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just celebrated three years.
Okay. How did you celebrate? By being worse than ever? Did you celebrate by burning every joke you've ever written and starting from absolute scratch?
Something like that, yeah. All right. Okay. Where was this three years at?
Hell? Imagine that if you die and go to hell, you're the full-time comedian. You just keep doing your act 24 hours a day and everybody has to stay awake and watch it all the time. Yeah.
Is it in hell? Close. Dayton, Ohio. Dayton, Ohio.
Pretty close. One of the closest cities to hell on planet Earth. Patrick, what do you do for work? Material scientist.
Who exactly is a material scientist? A nerd. I've got a background in chemistry and chemical engineering and then specialized in nanomaterials. What exactly are nanomaterials?
Like an additive to composites and parts of it. Excellent properties into like aerospace defense applications mostly by the military. Do you have to wear like a hard hat or a mask or something? Yeah, occasionally, yes.
Yeah. Like a mask? Mask, yeah. Okay.
Is it dangerous? I mean, it can be if you were like trying to eat it or breathe it. As long as you handle it safely. Have you ever seen anybody eat it or breathe it?
No. Okay. You've never seen anything go wrong with nanomaterials? I personally have not.
No. Yeah. I'm trying to be safe practices and all. Are you thinking about all that fucked up shit while you're just looking at nanomaterials?
No, I got into comedy as like a, you know, kind of a relief. Let's just take the night off. You're a drug and rape chick in a hospital. Just trying to relax your guys.
Just trying to. My doc got me started off on the wrong foot. Okay. You married?
I was just recently divorced. How recently did you get divorced? Like it finalized a few months ago. Two months.
Fresh on the market. How long were you married for? 15 years. 15 years.
Explain to me what went wrong. I think it was an accumulation of things, but it came as a big surprise to me. I thought we were in counseling. Let's talk about the accumulation, if you don't mind.
This is the most interesting thing about since you arrived at the stage. The interview here is like kind of raw. Yeah, nanomaterials. Yeah, nanomaterials wasn't cutting it.
So when you say there was an accumulation of things, that the 15 years went wrong, what do you mean exactly? Well, she was catching a lot of bodies during those 15 years. Whoa. Okay.
All right. How do you know she was catching bodies? There were lots of signs. Can you give us some of the signs?
We're all very interested. Well, nasty eyes. Oh, shit. Okay.
Now we're talking. This is very compelling. Give this guy a round of applause, huh? That's what I love about this show is all of a sudden it just hits you out of nowhere.
At least I'm on the edge of my seat. Ryan O'Neill, you feel good about this, right? Yeah. Was this all happening while you were collecting turquoise?
Like what? Yeah. I got distracted, yeah. Maybe you should spend more time paying attention.
Keep your eye on the prize. That's right, yeah. It's a pretty stone, though. Okay.
So STIs. And so you caught an STI. Which one? Actually, I didn't.
She did. And it was just on one of those appointments. I was like, hey, honey, you want me to come along? Oh, shit.
And you went along with her? And I went along, yeah. And you're in the room and the doctor says, well, you have a... Oh, I'm just going to go ahead and send in some.
That's a suspicious man right there. I'm going with you. I want to see what it says. Oh, my God.
I want to see the lab results. Yeah. I find this so compelling. So can you kind of paint the picture for us?
Yeah, I mean, like, she had a fishy smell. And I was like, oh, yeah, that'll do it. This is a little bit odd. And then, you know, she was kind of trying to glaze past that with the doc.
And I was like, you know, hey, honey, what about that little fishy smell? And then, you know, the doc did a swab. And as soon as she got close to my then wife, I said, oh, no, I'm going to call in a prescription for antibiotics. And I said, well, do I need some, too?
And she said, oh, no, you'd be fine. There's only a... You sure she does not Filipino? Shit, no, no.
For the smell. So the reason why you didn't need a swab, I'm guessing, is because you guys weren't actively having sex? Yeah, the thing that she was diagnosed with there was BD bacterial aginosis, which apparently us fellas don't have to take something for us. Right.
So did she admit to you, like, on the spot, on the drive home? Oh, no, no. She's going to deny it until she's dead. Oh, no.
So she's like, you know, I mean, yeah. But how do you know that she definitely did something? I mean, there were girl strips. And, you know, she left her, like, message board open on the computer at home.
What messages did you see just out of curiosity? I mean, like, making plans for, like, you know, meetups in the woods when she'd go on. In the woods? The old jungle bird has arrived again.
There's two reasons for that. One, I live in Yellow Springs, Ohio, so it's, like, a crunchy town, right? And two, she's Portuguese. And that's, like, where the prostitutes go into the woods, actually.