75: The Role of 45 to 90 Minutes of Foreplay: Overcoming Sexual Anxiety, Communicating Needs, Talking Openly About Sexual Desires, and Female Orgasms

In episode 75, Katie Ziskind discusses the differences in sexual arousal between penis owners and males, and vulva owners and females. Females need 45 to 90 minutes of foreplay where as males needs four to eight minutes of foreplay to reach that same level of peak climax and max sexual arousal to be prepared for orgasming. Foreplay is often too short. We also grow up with negative, shame-based, fear-based, and guilt-based messaging around sex, having a voice during sex, and sexual expression that lead to dissatisfying sexual experiences. We grow up with misinformation around sex from pornography, often making us feel like we have to live up to unrealistic standards. As a female, it is so important to speak up, advocate for yourself sexually, and to encourage your partner to explore different types of touch and areas of your body, allowing you to build arousal gradually over 45 to 90 minutes. Our culture focuses far too much on penis in vagina, penetrative sex, and doesn't focus enough on foreplay, which supports female sexual pleasure, sexual satisfaction, and the opportunity for orgasming. Partners are encouraged to work together to lengthen foreplay, which allows a female to feel excited, feel connected to her body, feel mentally in the present moment, feel desire by incorporating a variety of activities into foreplay to make it enjoyable, playful, and engaging. This can include kissing, touching, oral sex, and sensual massages. Deep breathing can support sexual reduction as well. Your pleasure should be as important as your partner’s. A supportive partner will be willing to invest the time needed for both to enjoy the experience. Shifting from sexual anxiety to sexual pleasure requires a combination of communication, self-awareness, and mutual effort. By focusing on understanding your own needs and working together with your partner to meet them, you can create a more fulfilling and pleasurable sexual experience. Positive Affirmations For Lowering Sexual Anxiety: I am worthy of love and pleasure. My body is beautiful and deserves respect. I celebrate my sexuality and embrace my desires. It is safe for me to express my sexual needs and boundaries. I am comfortable with my sexual identity. I honor my body’s unique needs and rhythms. I deserve to enjoy sex and intimacy. I trust my body and its natural responses. I am open to exploring new aspects of my sexuality. My sexual health and pleasure are important. I feel empowered to communicate my desires and limits. I release any shame or guilt around my sexuality. I am confident and secure in my sexual relationships. I respect and honor my partner's needs and boundaries. I am deserving of a fulfilling and joyful sex life. I embrace my sexual experiences with an open mind and heart. I am patient and kind to myself as I explore my sexuality. I create safe and consensual experiences for myself and my partner(s). I celebrate the diversity of sexual expression in myself and others. I allow myself to fully experience and enjoy sexual pleasure. Katie Ziskind is a sex positive, LGBTQIA+, queer affirming relationship coach, certified sex therapy informed professional, and Gottman level two trained marriage specialist. The “All Things Love and Intimacy” podcast is intended to help you feel more comfortable talking about emotional expression, gain emotional intimacy skills, and feel confident talking about your sexual needs, sexual expectations, erotic desires, and fantasies with your partner or partners. Katie Ziskind loves helping couples break cycles of emotional distance and sexual avoidance, and develop emotional connection and rebuild sexual desire and sexual intimacy. She would love to help you in sex positive, relationship coaching sessions.  You can build an emotionally secure, loving, playful, and passionate bond and healthy sex life by working with her at www.WisdomWithinCt.com. This episode is no replacement for seeking professional help.