Howdy y'all, it is Jeffrey Crainer. I'm not sure which episode of Welcome to Night Bill. You're listening to, but I am speaking to you from April of 2026. And I'm here to tell you we're gonna be in Europe.
If you want to see Night Bill live and you're gonna be in Europe, come check us out at the end of May. We're gonna be in Edinburgh on May the 27th. We will be in Manchester on the 28th London on the 29th and Amsterdam on May the 30th. Just go to welcometonigill.com slash live to see the show dates and to get your tickets.
This is our newest Night Bill Live show, Murder Night in Blood Force. It is so much fun. Please come check it out. Also coming up this month here in April, it is the return of Alice Isn't Dead brand new episodes of our other Crazy Hit podcast.
This is written by Joseph Thing, produced with music by Disparition and starring Jessica Nicole. So make sure you are still subscribed to Alice Isn't Dead and go get those on April the 13th as new episodes come out. Finally speaking of other shows, do you want to hear us talk about other things? We have three other really great chat shows.
First of all, there's Good Morning Night Vale for all of your Night Vale needs. You can hear Hal, Meg and Symphony talk about every single episode in order of Welcome to Night Vale. Also, we have Random Horror number nine. That is me and Night Bill Star Cecil Baldwin talking about horror movies one at a time in a random order.
And then Joseph and Meg do Best Worst, which is a really fun podcast where they look at hit TV shows and they review the best rated on IMDB, the worst rated on IMDB, and if you're a Patreon member, they will review the middleest rated on IMDB. So check out all of those at nightgoforsense.com or just wherever you get your podcasts. And hey, thanks. I fought the law and the law won.
I ignored the law and the law won. I abided by the law and the law won. Welcome to Night Vale. There's a new sheriff in town, Night Vale.
The former sheriff whose name we never knew, whose face we never saw, and whose voice was only ever heard through a vocoder is gone. Our former sheriff was secretive, reclusive, really into classical music and kleptocracy, rarely made public appearances, and when he did, it was with a balaclava and cape. The new sheriff has a more public persona, refusing to wear the traditional mask or cape and actually allowing their first name to be known. It's Sam, by the way.
The sheriff called a press conference this morning to announce that they are taking over the secret police, effective immediately, more on this story as it develops. But first, an editorial. It's the holidays, Night Vale. I know many of you will get to spend this time with people you love.
I know I'll be sharing some eggnog with my dearest family, Carlos, Abby, Janice, others. But let's not forget those people who quietly make our lives better. The postal carriers, the baristas and food servers, cab drivers, and the agents from a vague yet menacing government agency who sit outside our homes night after night, recording all of our conversations and activities. Think how boring a job domestic espionage must be.
They are out there at all hours. Do they ever get to sleep or spend holidays with families or take vacations? Who even knows? So the other day swept up in the holiday spirit.
I took some delicious Fefernusa cookies out to the windowless van across from my home and gave them to the agent sitting in the back. Her name is Monica Barnwell and she was just a lovely person. She appreciated that I recognized all the hard work she has put in the last several years surveilling me and I thanked her for her service to our community. We had some small talk and then I said, well, got to get back to my dull life as I looked down at my shoes.
She said, thanks Cecil. And then I said, Monica, would you like me to, I don't know, question the world government or be more anti-war or talk more like a political dissident or something just to make your day a little more exciting? Oh, that'd be so fun Cecil, thanks, she said. Then I went back inside and told my boyfriend I wanted to get a beret, either red or camouflage.
So, like Vail, this holiday season, think about all the people you may take for granted. You don't have to give them a gift or anything, just a thank you and a smile for all their hard work is enough. And if you have any particularly juicy secrets, consider brightening some agents day by announcing them in a loud clear voice to the nearest hidden microphone in your home. The new sheriff has spoken.
They opened their press conference with the following statement, citizens of nightvail, we have a crisis on our hands. And that crisis is. Then the sheriff performed a 10 minute modern dance piece, set to music by Steve Reich, of course, that frantically yet lyrically conveyed a disdain for the fiscal irresponsibility of current mayor, Dana Cardenol. The press corps loved the piece, especially its subtle tribute to choreographer Ana Theresa DeKirsmockers sweeping repetitive style.
Even though the sheriff's muscular, longitudinal movements obviously indicated heavy training in Lester Horton's methodology, they applauded politely, and the sheriff continued with their speech. Quote, Our secret police force has been secretly requesting budget increases to help cover overtime and new equipment. Maybe you didn't know about it, the sheriff said, because it's, you know, secret and all. But we were requesting it secretly.
Don't hurt that. It's a secret. Instead, the mayor has decided to use our money to help the citizens of our unfriendly neighboring town desert bluffs. We will not only see a rise in crime because we have a mayor who decided to disrupt our stable economy.
But we will also face a lack of financial ability to effectively stop this crime. I will secretly undermine the mayor's authority with the help of the city council and some lizard people I know to keep night veil safe. Don't report my finger quotes around the word safe. They're secret.
This is my promise to you as your new sheriff. One reporter then asked, um, what happened to the old sheriff? The new sheriff responded by painting a canvas entirely blue. More on this story.
But first, an update on the trial of the century. Judge Chivan Azdak has brought in a computer programmer named Melanie Pennington to develop the first ever all AI jury for the trial of Hyram McDaniel's. Attorneys have had a difficult time finding a jury of peers for McDaniel's as he is literally a five headed dragon and outside of his family seems to be the only one of his kind in the area, not knowing how to find actual dragons to serve on the jury and not willing to have a five headed dragon unfairly juried by all humans. Judge Azdak called for science to solve this problem because according to Azdak science has solved every other problem.
Both the prosecuting attorney Troy Walsh and the court appointed defense attorney also named Troy Walsh agree that this is a fair solution. An artificial intelligence is probably a thing anyone with a MacBook and some Red Bull has already mastered like years ago. They said in unison with identical smiles and matching haircuts. Pennington has been working with young computer prodigy Megan Wallaby, who is an 11 year old girl who inhabits what once was the body of a Russian sailor and also was only born three years ago.
But then the specifics of her identity and her manifestation within time are really none of your business. Wallaby is helping Pennington engineer a sentient program that can think exactly like six different five headed dragons. Megan has had a real affinity for computers ever since the uh the incident in the school gym that one time. The other members of the jury will be humans.
Auditions for those jury slots will be conducted Wednesday at the Night Vale Community Theater. Four of High Rum's five heads are being brought up on charges of conspiracy and attempted murder of our mayor. The fifth head, the violet one, is being courted as a key witness by the prosecution but they're having a difficult time getting a private conversation with it. The trial is scheduled for early next year.
Oh by the way listeners, I ran into former station intern Maureen. I actually didn't notice her at first as I was listening to an album I just got. It's a new musical about Alexander Hamilton who became our nation's fourth president because he successfully killed former vice president Aaron Burr in a duel. Anyway the soundtrack is fantastic and I was totally engrossed in my lip sinking and self-styled choreography when I saw Maureen waving to me from down the street.
I saw she was with someone but his baseball hat was pulled down over his face so I didn't get a good look at him. Maureen then asked me for a letter stating she'd completed her internship because she needed those two credits for college. I reminded her she spent most of her internship flickering in and out of existence so I couldn't write the letter but I was really excited to see she was dating someone. Then she said something about not assuming people are dating just because they're hanging out blah blah blah.
I don't even like boys blah blah but I kept staring at the boy in the ball cap and I did not like him one bit. I felt like I knew him from somewhere but I couldn't put my finger on where. No well I'm sure it won't come up again. I told Maureen it was a good thing she wasn't into boys because this one seemed like bad news really bad news I whispered and Maureen groaned and rolled her eyes in what I assume was agreement.
Then I said good seeing you and walked away. She shouted come back and where's my credit letter while waving her fist and cussing which is I guess how kids today say goodbye. Oh listeners I need to make an apology. Earlier in today's show I mentioned giving some cookies to the agent from a vague yet menacing government agency and in the process I revealed her full name as Monica Barnwell and the location of her operation as in front of my home.
Because of this security breach Monica has apparently lost her job as a secret agent and had to go into hiding for the rest of her life changing her looks and identity and never seeing her family or friends again. Really sorry about that one Monica. Let's have a look at traffic. What do you say?
Feet apart, toes together. Right foot turned at 45 degrees. No need for mathematical precision but if you have a protractor rake it into pieces and swallow it. Absorb its numbers like nutrients.
Bend your knees. Bend other things that allow for bending. Do not force malleability. That right foot though?
What's it doing? Did you move your foot? Memories aren't real? Do you control yourself?
Not if you don't remember being in control. Maybe we pretend to have experienced things so we don't have to actually understand why they happened. Your foot is flexing now. Why?
What silent siren song calls your right foot? You are sitting. You are passive. Still.
Your left foot idles in the dark. Complacent and obedient. Your right foot serves a greater God. It flexes for its idol.
All plastic and steel and full of fire and fumes. Your right foot wishes for you to pray with a clear mind and open eyes. This has been traffic and now an update on the new sheriff's press conference. The sheriff announced that while they couldn't do anything about the money the mayor has already wasted on neighboring towns, the secret police would certainly make it clear to anyone from desert bluffs who might be trying to enter nightfale that they would not be wanted.
The sheriff announced a plan to tag all desert bluffs citizens with bright orange hats that have the word unwanted written in blinking LED lights across the front. As the sheriff said this several journalists shifted uncomfortably in their seats. This was because their seats were uncomfortable but they still nodded excitedly about the sheriff's cool new idea. One journalist pointed out though that the orange hat thing would be an added expense.
What with having to print up hats and design the LEDs and all that. And this whole press conference seems to be about our city's lack of funding for new projects the journalist said. And the tense silence that followed. The journalist added plus everyone from desert bluffs is pretty easy to identify what with all the blood on their ship.
But then the reporter was helpfully tackled and muzzled by the other reporters who did not want to get off on the wrong foot with the new sheriff. As the great television newsman Edward R. Murrow once said, hey don't rock the boat, okay. In the commotion no one seemed to notice the appearance of several strangers standing around the perimeter of the conference room.
Our new station intern Kareem was there and claimed the strangers really didn't appear so much as seem to have always been there. Even though he was positive they were not there at the start. They were completely still except for their breathing. They were definitely breathing.
And everyone heard it. No one knew what the strangers wanted but they were certain it wasn't good. The members of the press stepped backward into the middle of the room. They waited and from the silence came a noise.
There came a sudden... Oh it's almost 20 past the hour listeners. I'd better get to the weather report. Here you go.
She calls it holy water. It rained the day she was born. Her mama cried. The rain I felt with her.
I swear was electrified. His way. She knows a thing. Could she go but not fall off my sorrow.
He knows a thing and long before the day is already done before it has begun. She's the only one that commands the son. She knows a thing. Why should we be protective of our data?
Well our names, numbers, addresses, records, finances, browsing habits. They can all end up with scammers, fraudsters, and marketers. This leads to spam calls and texts, identity theft, AI voice scams, or even targeted harassment. AI and other search tools are getting very efficient at compiling sensitive data available online.
Not to mention there's a huge rise in data breaches. I bought a car two years ago and I was under mounds of calls, texts, and mail all pretending to be official correspondence from my dealer about my warranty. These are easy scams to fall for. So how should we protect our data?
Let me tell you about incogny. Here's how incogny works. It's automated removal of personal data from more than 230 data brokers and that list is growing. Incogny offers continuous monitoring and repeated removals to keep our data off the market.
US customers can submit up to three phone numbers, emails, and addresses per person for removal searches. Incogny is available risk free for 30 days. Try it out for yourself and get your data protected. Visit incogny.com slash wtnv.
You know, like welcome to Night Vale and use code WTnv to get an exclusive 60% off an annual incogny plan. That's incogny.com slash wtnv and use code WTnv. Hey y'all, it's Jeffrey Craner. I get to travel to Europe a lot for Night Vale live show tours.
It's super fun, but US mobile plans get pretty costly when you're out of the country, but I'm using Sealy, like Sealy, like a ship Sealy with a Y at the end. Sealy, Sealy is a worldwide e-sim app created by the makers of NordVPN. Sealy provides affordable mobile data plans and over 200 destinations by avoiding those roaming fees. The built-in VPN allows you to access content from home while traveling as a sports fan.
I love this and data monitoring, tractor data usage, ensuring you don't unexpectedly run out of internet access. Sealy can also be great here in the US. Some folks have smaller data plans, purchasing extra gigs can be expensive, use Sealy to bridge that gap. Also, Sealy is able to use a different network which could provide coverage where your primary provider does not.
Sealy reduces or even eliminates international roaming fees in over 200 destinations. Sealy protects your privacy and Sealy is a one-time installation. You don't have to get a different sim in every country. Plus, there's 24-7 support.
Download the Sealy app today and use code WT and V. You know, like welcome to Night Vale at checkout to get 15% off of your first purchase. Once again, download the Sealy app or visit sealy.say.com.com. And use code WT and V to get 15% off your first purchase.
Where was I? Ah, ah, ah, they waited. From the silence came a noise. Then there came a sudden...
Okay, yeah, basically everyone was quiet until a reporter asked the sheriff, who are these people? Will the secret police protect us? The sheriff did not respond. It was quiet, save for the stranger's breathing for about three minutes.
Then the questions and cries came in increasing volume and pace. Who are these people? Sheriff, why are they moving? What do they want?
Has anyone seen my phone? We're going to die, etc. Eventually the room devolved into panic. Members of the press shoving to get out, but in a way that suggested that the exit was through each other, then the sheriff raised their hand and announced into the microphone, everything's fine.
No one believed the sheriff and the sheriff knowing this rephrased the statement. Some things are not fine, but other things are fine. This, and here the sheriff indicated the whole room, is probably fine. The panic reporters were now filled with both fear and doubt.
The sheriff stood, stupefied as a single bead of sweat rolled down their brow along the nose, forming a thin wet crack across their entire face. No one breathed. Except the strangers, of course. Who, by the time the droplet had completed its erratic journey, were somehow several feet closer to the press corps, despite never having visibly moved an inch.
Everyone in the room, including the sheriff, knew that death was a pum-tum. None of them were afraid of death. They were, instead, terrified of what would come immediately before and immediately after death. Listeners, like I said earlier, our own intern koreem was part of that press corps today.
So, do the family of intern koreem? He's a good intern, and is doing great work. He got back from the press conference a little bit ago saying you had a great time, and he also provided some excellent reporting. According to koreem, the strangers encroached slowly on the remaining journalists, moving without seeming to move.
No one could look the strangers in the eye. They did not know what the strangers wanted of them, just that their lives were likely over. Karim said he heard someone crying, another person frantically chanting, and he was trying to take it all in. But then, he heard a flapping of wings, like a tarantodon, or a librarian, and looking up, he saw a flash of blackness, and long, feathered creatures descending from a dark sky.
And the next thing he knew, he was back at the radio station, safely interning once again. Karim called the creatures that saved everyone angels, but I reminded him that there is no such thing, and according to the AP style guide, it is illegal to acknowledge the existence of angels. So, this is why- oh, uh, Karim is now trying to argue with me about the fluidity of vernacular and the constant evolution of language. Okay, all right, listeners, I need to deal with this.
Stay tuned next for the real-life actualization of that dream you had last Tuesday. You'll make a two-couple, so congratulations. And as always, good night, night veil. Good night.
Welcome to Night Veil is a production of Night Veil Presents. It is written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Craner and produced by Joseph Fink. The voice of Night Veil is Cecil Baldwin, original music by Disparition. All of it can be found at disporition.info or at disporition.bancamp.com.
This episode's weather was She Knows by John Fulbright. Find out more at johnfulbrightmusic.com. Comments, questions, email us at info at welcometonightvale.com or follow us on Twitter at Night Veil Radio. Check out welcometonightvale.com for more information on this show, as well as all sorts of cool Night Veil stuff you can own.
And while you're there, consider clicking the donate link. That'd be way cool of you. Today's proverb- there are hot singles in your area, and they all died exactly 20 years ago on a night just like tonight. Hey, it's Jeffrey Craner speaking to you from spring of 2026 and did you know we are on tour in Europe?
Welcome to Night Veil will be live on stage in Edinburgh on May 27th, Manchester on May 28th, London on May 29th and Amsterdam on May 30th. This brand new live show is called Murder Night in Blood Forest starring Cecil Baldwin, Symphony Sanders, Me, and live original music by disporition. These tours are so much fun and they're for the die-hard fan and the Night Veil new kid alike. So bring your family, your partner, your co-workers, your cat, whatever.
They don't got to know what Night Veil is to like the show. Tickets to these shows are on sale now at welcometonightvale.com slash live. Don't let time slip away. Get your tickets.
Don't miss us when we're in your town because otherwise we'll all be sad. Get your tickets to our Europe Live tour right now at welcometonightvale.com slash live. And hey, thanks.