Welcome to the Small Steps Podcast. I'm your host, Amy Soon. I'm a nutritional therapy practitioner, blogger at Small Eats, author of Not at My Dastal Lunch, designer, and avid learner. In my nutrition practice, I help you cut through the health and wellness noise to find what works for you.
This podcast is here to educate, inspire, and empower you to grow, try new things, and live a life you truly feel good about one small step at a time. Each episode has small steps that you can try and see how they work for you. You can find all the show notes, small steps, and other episodes at small-eats.com slash podcast. Remember, the materials and content within this podcast are intended as general information only.
They are not to be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Well, hello. Welcome back to another episode of the Small Steps Podcast. I am so glad that you are here.
It is episode 87. And this one is more of a personal episode. This week, I'm talking about five things that I've been thinking about and working through. In this time, slightly beyond this time, but this current time has given me a lot more thought about stuff.
And so I've been thinking about it and wanted to share it with you in case it might resonate with you. You might be working through some of these things. Or you just want to hear me talk. I know that we all have different situations and different things happening in our lives, especially at this time.
I just wanted to share with you if this applies to you cool, if it doesn't awesome. I remember that you are always expert on you. So go with what speaks and resonates with you. So before we start, I think it's really important for me to share my contextual situation with you so that you can understand a little bit more why I'm saying this, where I'm coming from, my situation, so that it makes a little bit more sense.
So my current situation, a lot of you know, I have a day job, but it's still going. So I'm doing that and I'm working from home. My partner also works from home. I also want to say that I have support system via friends and my therapist.
And I also have an introvert that really likes being at home. So just keep that in mind as I talk about all of my stuff. Also, different thing happening in the show versus other shows. Usually I talk about stuff and then share small steps at the end, this time because some of these things are different than each other, like pretty different from each other.
I'm going to talk about small steps at the end of each thing that I've been talking about, but exception, I'm already like going my own way here. The first three things that I've been thinking about and working through all are very related and overlap. So I'm going to talk about small steps that I have taken at the end of those three, and then four and five right after I talk about those, I'm going to share some small steps with you of how I've done it, how I've done it. Like it's done, it's not done, but what I've been doing, what I've been thinking about, and hopefully you can see some of that and apply it to you.
I'm not going to be telling you in these small steps, you should go do this thing. I'm just going to center it on like, this is what I've been working on, and this is what I've been doing. These are some of the things that I've been turning over and thinking about. And also just so you know, some of the stuff has been happening before Corona, and during Corona times, it's put a newer spin or increased emphasis.
So the first thing that I have been thinking about, working through, examining, is my internalized capitalism. So what is internalized capitalism? I think before we start talking about internalized capitalism and what it can be. I want to talk about what is capitalism?
If you live in the United States, we are in a capitalist society. So the definition of capitalism is an economic system based on the private ownership of means of production and their operation for profit. Central to capitalism is the accumulation of capital, like a money or wealth, wage labor, and decisions made by those of wealth who own the production about stuff. The values are really about upward mobility, like the American dream, basically, monetary wealth, and also some flip sides of capitalism or byproducts or things that exist is that, classism can really breed, which is like the very clear delineation of different socioeconomic classes.
And capitalism as it currently plays out to the most part, especially in the United States, because that's where I live and that's where I see the examples of stuff, doesn't decrease class disparities. So it doesn't really work to bridge gaps or help lots of people move up in classes or eliminate classes in general, and they reinforce a social hierarchy. In the current iteration of capitalism, there's always gonna be someone doing a grinding job, doing a production type job that most likely is from a lower social class and there's not a lot of things built into a lot of companies that help that person move up in society, in the job. And there's also a lack of distribution.
I'm sure that a lot of us have seen the infographics or just the numbers of how much billionaires and millionaires are continuing to make pretty steadily at this time while a lot of people are out of work or having to make really hard decisions like closing businesses, letting people go because they just can't financially support it while other people are continuing to making jobs and cops of money. That in a tiny, very not nuanced, very quick and dirty, that's capitalism. What can internalized capitalism look like? Internalized capitalism, and I'm gonna speak from my examples here.
So it might look slightly different and there are common things throughout. It could be justifying your existence through your work and work ethic and what you're producing, the constant urge to work and work all the time, feeling of shame or guilt if you're not working or doing something productive, the saying, I'll rest when I'm dead, which ooh, that feels super gross. And the quote, natural urge to work all the time or do that to run away from feelings of guilt, shame, or laziness, or finding it really hard to just not work without feeling these guilt, shame, laziness. Like I need to be working, I need to be producing.
Basically, I need to be proving that I am a productive person in society. I'm gonna make quote, quote, good person by making shit. This is shit that I have been sitting with, examining, looking at, and working on more and more in the last six or so months. I mentioned it in one of the podcasts that I covered during Corona times.
I don't exactly remember which one, but I've been talking, I talk about it a little bit. I think about it a lot. It's definitely been heightened at this time because like I already saw disparities and now that it's very clear, there's disparities of like people who are working at this time, people who are not working at this time. It's definitely spiked a little bit for me, the internalized capitalism.
I carry some guilt around still having a job and I'm not super worried about certain things. And I know there are a lot of people who I know and who I don't know or who live next to me or who work not too far away from me that are thinking about this. So that has been a weird, sneaky thing. Like, oh, well, you just have to keep working because like not everyone needs to work and so you just have to keep working.
And that's a slippery slope. This is the thing that I realized and that I have been untangling for a while, like I mentioned earlier. And this runs super deep in me personally. This is something that I realized that I have received this message, that my worthiness is tied to my work and my production.
And I've been doing that for decades. So no longer you realize this goes back, the more it's like, wow, this is really hard to work on and give yourself the permission to not produce and nothing about work and not work all the time. It can be tricky, especially when there's this idea that if you don't like your job, you can find another one and or you can create the career that you want, like the entrepreneur dream and you can create that. And while you work on making your entrepreneur job a real job, quote unquote, real job, you just continue to work both jobs and then you just work all the time.
And the idea that entrepreneurship requires just constant work all the time, all these things just reinforce capitalism that make it hard to rest, to relax, to not just work, work, work, and then work yourself into the ground. If you listen to the first episode, I talked about burnout several times and yeah, it's still something that I work with and then I'm not mastered of holding burnout at all. I've been thinking a lot about my internalized capitalism. It's just really highlighted at this time, the extra weird stuff of Corona and then the weird stuff of like, I'm still working while a lot of people are not working.
This feels strange and also like, I'm tired. If anyone else is working right now, I don't know if you resonate with this, but I sometimes feel more tired than if I actually was going to the office and doing stuff because it just feels like it never ends. Some days it's better than others. Like some days it's not something that I think about.
The fact that impulse that I need to be working that I need to be producing, that I need to be like basically proving my existence. Other times I can just turn the volume down and be like, yeah, okay, I see you or whatever. Sometimes I'm just too exhausted, I'm like, no, I see you, but I don't care about you right now, I don't like that one because I'm fucking tired and I need to rest. Every day is different.
Sometimes it's better, sometimes worse. So related to that, as I work through my internalized capitalism, I have also been working on, this sounds funny to say, but I have been working on figuring out how to rest more and figuring out how to rest more is actually work. Not in the capitalist sense, but it takes an effort because it's not something that I'm used to doing for extended periods of time or a little bit every day. To give you some extra context, this is not something that I've really shared too much, but it's important to share because it's important for me to stay and take up space and it might be something that might really resonate with you.
So before Corona, I was already pretty tired and pretty crispy around the edges, as far as like re-entering some phase burnout. I work on H.O.P, which I mentioned. I am here on the podcast and as nutritionist and I also do graphic design work and pro-development for other wellness entrepreneurs. So that's technically like three jobs happening sometimes at the same time.
Towards the end of 2019, all of those things were happening at the same time. And there was not a lot of time for me to have really deep rest. It wasn't natural for me to find ways to balance those things. And so I was getting super, super tired.
Most of 2020 I have eased back a little bit, but things are still happening. Like I still have the day job that I'm still working. I still show up here at the podcast. And when other things just kind of slowed down, other parts of my business just kind of slowed down, I just kind of leaned into that and was like, okay, I'm already feeling tired.
I'm not really gonna pursue certain things right now. If they show up great, if they don't show up, also great because yo, I'm tired. When Corona happened and things started closing down and plans started to be putting on hold or things were canceled, yes, that was really hard and confusing and a little bit scary. And also it was a boundary that I didn't have to personally reinforce.
I, cause I'm not the best at boundaries all the time. And so setting me boundaries is a newer thing and feels kind of scary. Basically by Corona setting a boundary, I could have more permission to slow down, to not do certain things and to feel more okay with resting because outside of essential workers, a lot of us are just slowing down because things have stopped. I had two or three trips that got canceled.
Some of them were for work, some of them were for me, other plans that got slowed down like we pushed out our wedding. So like that was less things to do. So it was like, all right, if you needed a sign, if the universe is talking to you, we're gonna clear all this space for you to rest a little bit more, so just lean into it. So that's what I've been doing.
I want to name that I have the privilege that I do not need to from a financial perspective. I don't need to continue all three jobs at the same time at the full capacity to make ends meet. And I know that not everyone is at that position. And I also want to say this because I know a lot of other, I don't like the word side hustle, but like people who have multiple careers because they're working on transitioning from one zone to the other.
I know that there are people out there, and I know that there are a lot of people that are doing a lot of work to move from one area of their life to another. And while at the time that other thing isn't making enough money yet, or it doesn't have the quote financial returns yet, the work is still real and it's a lot and it takes a lot of energy and it takes a lot of time. So if you feel like in this moment, just focusing on the job that is providing you money or the one that's providing you more money, I'm here to say like, hi, you're not alone. You're not alone at this time.
The times when I felt the most reassured about the things that I've kept inside that are diswirling and churning around, once someone told me whether that was directly or indirectly, like, hey, I see you, I'm going through a certain thing too. And I'm somehow knowingly voicing all the opinions and feelings that you might have, that makes me feel a lot better. So that's why I'm saying this. I mean, I think it's important and because burnout is fucking real and is a result of internalized capitalism.
And it's the fucking worst. It's one of the fucking worst things. So I'm still really trying to navigate rest all the time. Cause again, it's still really a new thing for me, versus like dealing with internalized capitalism for over 30 years of my life versus like, I'm gonna start something new, like the balance is a bit tipped right now.
And Corona has really made it clear that rest is really important. And Corona also brings additional stress and layers of stuff and its own pressure too. So it just makes it feel even more important to me that I want to and need to stay really more aware and more vigilant on my own care and rest. Because if I don't, I'll just start re-entering the crispy burnout zone.
And that's really not a place that I enjoy visiting. It's a quote to natural place for me based on my patterns and my past behaviors and my internalized shit. It's not a place that I really want to return and keep returning so it's a constant lesson in awareness and practice. The third one that is related to the rest of the internalized capitalism is, ooh, I have been feeling a lot of shoulds about how I show up during Corona times.
If you listen to the podcast for any amount of time, you know that shoulds can be really tricky, sometimes dangerous. Sometimes I just fuck with you. My therapist has often said to me like, stop shooting all over yourself, get out of the should storm. Because a lot of times shoulds come from not you, shoulds come from other shit.
Internalized stuff, internalized oppression, the narratives that you were told so much that they're just a part of you, basically what internalized stuff is. It's other people a lot of the time. It's not usually you and what you want and what you need and what really works with who you are as a person. So how I should show up at this time.
As someone that is in a service role, as an nutritionist, as someone that talks about wellness and really spots life and mental health, I have been seeing a lot of my colleagues and a lot of other people in these communities and the adjacent communities, fitness, nutrition, wellness, mental health, healing, modalities, et cetera, who have been doing so much amazing work. I've been seeing people really step up, pivot, step into a bigger role of service or being more of service in this time. And they have really been responding to helping people adjust, helping people continue to have access to tools that they need that are really helpful. And in the past, I probably would have done the same thing.
And with swirling around the burnout drain, working on resting and really looking at my shit. I haven't done that as much or as much as I quote, should or my brain thinks as much as I should be doing. All this is in heavy air quotes, you can't. Hear that, how I'm saying it.
I haven't leapt into it. And that feels really strange and really weird. I have at all times, sometimes I've often felt really guilty. I've often felt really selfish.
I have compared myself to other people. And I have felt like I am not being a helpful person that I'm not doing enough, that I'm not a good person, that I am feeling what's the point of my existence basically, if I'm not stepping up and really getting on quote, like the digital front lines and helping folks. Also, another thing that feels icky to say that has crossed my mind, this is the time to step up. And for like, what if people notice you during this time more so because you're providing this thing?
And this is how you quote, break out. Ugh, that feels gross. That feels gross and weird and complicated. And guess what that is?
A lot of that for me is internalized capitalism stuff. Oh, I know how to achieve worth in heavy air quotes around producing and serving. So here's the time for me to show up and prove my worth and basically validate my whole ass existence, yikes. And yeah, it's not the most becoming stuff to share, like that this is something that I think about and that I probably could be doing more and I'm not because I just don't have the stuff in me.
I just don't have it right now. And that's weird to sit with. And then that's weird to share with. That's really weird to share with people.
I haven't shared it with people, but most of it's like my friends who are also in this field. And so they're like, oh yeah, I understand. Or other people that are also working through their burnout. Yo, a lot of us are working through burnout right now or constantly.
So just saying it to like an empty room, which literally I'm in an empty room right now. I don't know where you are, but just saying it out loud feels really weird. And also at the same time, while I say this stuff and how I am naming all of this stuff, there's also a lot of other stuff right next to it. That's also true.
Like this podcast is still going. I spent about four episodes just me and you focusing on tools, things, ways of thinking, resources on how to work through this time. I don't know, I don't remember how long those episodes are, but at least four hours talking with you, four hours that you're listening to. And that doesn't include all the time that I spent writing, prepping, recording, editing, uploading, talking about those shows.
So I've spent a considerable amount of time working on that. I'm still sharing, especially on Instagram, like a lot of other people's work that is helpful, a lot of resources. So it's like, if you think about it, I'm not doing nothing. But my brain is being an asshole and is like, well, you could be doing more.
I'm sure that everyone has some level of like, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, in their heads. It's a pretty common experience. But my brain and my patterns are still like, prove your worth, prove your worth, do more, do more, do more, do more, do more, give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give, give. And there's nothing wrong with giving, to why we are giving is something to look into.
So why does my brain want me to give? Basically so I can prove that I'm worthy of existing. Okay, no. Because fun fact, for all of you, including myself, your worth is inherent.
It's always there. It's always like at 100%, it's never not at 100%. It's always there. You don't really need to prove it.
And though I say this intellectually, emotionally, sometimes it's really hard to believe, for me and for a lot of other people. So I just say it a lot. I work through taking away some stuff so that I can focus on feeling that my worth is a thing that I don't have to prove all the time. The tricky parts of all of this really is that my patterns and my internalized stuff takes away from my humanity as a person.
It takes away from my living and my being and just turns me into a flat, dimensionless service. And not a whole person who has needs, who has feelings, who has mental health stuff, who has their own shit that they're working through. I constantly need to remind myself that I'm a whole person with feelings and energy and capacity and feelings and stuff and that I can't always just turn all of that off and just serve and that's all. I'm not a robot, I'm not a machine, which is something that I work through a lot.
And something that I have to keep reminding myself of when I see some of my friends doing really amazing stuff and I feel this pang of guilt, like, oh my God, I should be doing something like that too, right? Well, do you have all of the things, the energy, the time, the thought, the stuff? Right now, sometimes I don't. Small steps that I've taken across all three of these areas, there are a lot.
And of course, these are all gonna be in the show, no, don't worry about it. So I've taken these small steps before and during Corona, just to give you additional context, like none of these small steps are things that magically like one and done. A lot of this stuff because it's deeper and older for me is a constant practice. It's a constant thing that I work on and have to remind myself of and save myself on so there's no silver bullet stuff here.
First one, recognizing that this is a thing that I work with, this is a pattern that I have and that it is big and old. So I can't just knock it over with one statement one time then it's over. So shit's been around for a long time. Reminding myself in the moment and just every day that my worth isn't tied into what I make or produce.
Telling myself that rest is okay and that rest is liberatory. Rest is really aligned with my values and really tells capitalism to like calm the fuck down and go fuck off basically. If you want reminders of the fact that rest is liberatory and that rest is actually activism, go follow the Nat Ministry that I will put their handle in the show notes. It's literally just reminders all the time.
You need to rest, let yourself rest. Rest is important, rest is activism, go do that. Another thing that's really important is checking in with myself and really asking like how I'm feeling, how am I feeling physically, how am I feeling emotionally and letting myself feel and say and accept the things that actually are coming up and not stuffing any of that down. Not being like, oh I feel really tired but you know I just need to push through this thing right now just stuff it down and keep going.
Stuffing it down and keeping going. Well in the short term got that thing on my to-do list done. It's led to a lifetime of not accessing my emotions super readily all the time and now it's like really hard to do that consistently, access my emotions and really feel my emotions. I can talk about my emotions like a fucking champ.
Feeling my emotions, that's something that's really hard because I have stuffed them down and avoided them for so long. So I check in with myself and ask myself how I'm feeling and I listen to that. I'm not always successful with doing the things but producing the practice and holding the space of like how am I doing, what do I need and giving myself to that more is really important and powerful. Tied to my liberatory stuff and my liberation.
If you don't know about liberatory stuff that I'm talking about, I highly recommend you go back to listening to my episode with Dr. T in which I talk about how I got into social justice work. Dr. T is my social justice mentor, professor, friend and we talk about the liberatory approach and perspective to social justice.
That's really another way how I live my life to live it in more liberatory ways for myself and other people. So if you are like, what are you talking about, go back and listen to that episode, it'll be in the show notes. It's a good one. Other things that are liberatory for me and healing for me and honestly for everyone is figuring out things that are fun and doing those things that are fun and doing those things that are fun that are just for me and that I'm not gonna somehow sneakily turn into some capitalist stuff.
Like cooking used to be fun and then I turned it into a blog and a profession and then that kind of stuck the fun out of it a little bit. So like what's just fun for me? I think I talk about this in the joy episode and that will be in the show notes. I'm trying to find things that are fun just for me and that's all.
Right now those things for me, they look very different for you. But for me, I taught myself how to knit. I watched my friend Steph Godrow. She did a really awesome thing of teaching people how to knit so that I learned from her, how to knit and that I've been knitting and that's been really nice and really helpful and keeps my brain busy, keeps me off my phone and then lets me do the other thing that's really fun which is watching shows, watching shows all knitting which is really fun.
I watch a lot of things. I watch some like reality stuff like great British Bakeoffs and Next in Fashion and Making the Cut and I'm watching the Next Flower Fight right now which is on Netflix. I watch a lot of things on Netflix. Also watching fun cartoons like Sheerah and Hilda and Avatar, just fun things that I enjoy.
Also all the new CW superhero stuff has come on Netflix now so probably start watching that soon. I used to watch a lot of TV when I was younger and like followed TV pretty closely so that feels like something that's really fun. Something that I've also returned to again that I did when I was younger is reading fiction. I read so much fiction as a kid.
It was a fast reader, eight through books like nothing. Recently I mostly read nonfiction stuff and I just hit a wall of like I can't process any more of nonfiction information though it's helpful. And I just on a whim was like I'm gonna buy this fiction book for fun and I read it and I was like fuck, I wanna read more fiction. So I started reading more fiction and I really find that enjoyable.
Another thing that's really important for me is working on my social media boundaries because a lot of times those can pull on my internalized capitalism or all these shows or all these weird things. So I actually did set like time boundaries on my phone with screen time which if you have an Android I'm sure there's something similar so that I'm not just scrolling on Instagram all the time. Like I noticed that I was scrolling a lot on Instagram and that wasn't helping so I'm trying to be more aware of that. Constantly reminding myself that I am a whole ass person that also needs to be taken care of and that I'm worth taking care of myself.
Another thing that I've done more recently with the help of learning this concept from Dr. T again is reminding myself of what's true for me and my life. Like I say all the time we have different lives, we have different experiences, we have different stuff and when my patterns see things like on social media or things like that, it's always yelling like why can't you do that? Why don't you do that?
La la la la la. And I constantly have to remind myself of what is true for me and what is true for my life and my situation. And I'm not the same as them so why am I comparing myself to them? Or like what's true for me right now is that I want and really need rest.
Honoring that rather than just ignoring what I need and what's true for me is really important. Reminding myself that what I do is enough. Like how I do show up in this space, how I do do is enough. And that I'm not doing this work alone.
I think my brain can also often be like, you gotta do this all by yourself, which is a pattern thing that I have. For sure that I have a lot of awesome colleagues and people in the industry that maybe I don't even know but a lot of people are doing this work. And so how can I lean more into like other people got this? They got it, I'm gonna keep sharing their work so that it gets access to other people.
Like I'm gonna keep sharing what they do because I appreciate them and I just don't have it in me right now. Also reminding myself that rest is important and that it helps me do the stuff that I want to do in the longer term. The more that I learn how to rest, the more that I can think about ways to serve myself and other folks in the future. Also something that's important to say that is hard for me to remember that just because I'm not able to show up full force right now in this moment doesn't mean that I'm not going to be able to later.
Whether that's later isn't a week from now, later isn't three months from now or later when something else pops up a year or two from now. Like this isn't a race or a competition, that there will be plenty of other opportunities. Just like when I talk about making food decisions and how you might feel weird about the one food decision that you may guess what? You have so many more meals to eat and turning that one advice on myself but in a different context.
Just because I can't or I don't want to or I just don't have the juice show up in this way right now doesn't mean that I can't and won't later in the future. And that there are many opportunities for me to do the stuff that I want to do and show up and help people in ways that work for me. The last one which you're not going to be super surprised about if you listen to the show, is giving myself a lot of kindness and compassion as I work through this stuff. And that's various levels of success and not success.
Trying to be kind, trying to tell myself that it's okay, reminding myself of all these things is a way of being compassionate for myself, taking care of myself. All of that is really, really important and helps make all of these things really stick more than anything. Number four of the things that I've been working on is not related to the three that I just talked about but it's been thinking about and working on my relationships with shuds again, but around clothing. It would really fascinating.
I'm not a super fashionable person, like I appreciate fashion, like as an art but I'm not a super fashionable person. I have a pretty chill, comfy wardrobe, pretty much all the time I wear leggings a lot even at work. If I did jump, one of my last jobs would have had a lot more client facing meetings when they'd come to the office. I'd like more work, quote, clothing and I wore heels and all that shit.
I don't do that now because I don't need to. I'm pretty casual in my day to day. And at the same time, I've been carrying this message for a really long time which some of you might resonate with that when you leave the house or when you go somewhere where other people see you, you quote, should look put together and not like when you're lounging around at home that you have to look a certain way, basically that you have to look good so that you're not judged and so that you're not mistaken for something else which is like, wow, that's a class of statement in and of itself. You know, that's the message that I received and I'm sure that that's not an uncommon message that has been received in the past.
What that's looked like for me is being really clear about like wearing inside clothes, like chill clothes and then like, oh, I've got to go somewhere. So I have to change my clothes. My hair has to look a certain way and like I'm not a super high-mate and it's hair person but I had carried some kind of belief that like when I put my hair in a ponytail, I have fine hair and so it can get a little bit like frizzy, a little bit, not frizzy but like the little baby hairs poke out and it's not like the most put together look or whatever and so like, oh, that means I can never wear my hair up in a professional setting because it's just gonna get messy quickly and I'm gonna have to redo it. So I'm just gonna wear my hair down at all times and it has to look nice.
Even just talking about like it takes a lot of mental energy to constantly think about and plan all of these things. I definitely did this in the past with food of like things have to look a certain way, they have to be made a certain way, they have to be cooked a certain way, we've got to make sure we have certain things. There's so much mental energy that we all spend, whether it's what clothing you should wear or what food you should be having or should, should, should, should, should, there's so much mental emotional energy that goes into making all that stuff quote work. And then you reach a wall where you're like, I'm tired, it's not working anymore.
So yeah, I've been thinking a lot about that because when I'm at home all the time and when I do have like video calls for work and you're only seeing like, you know, torso up, I've just been wearing more comfortable clothes. There's certain things I haven't been wearing that I'm like, oh yeah, this is worker clothes or because my office was really cold all the time, I don't have to wear long sleeve shirts and I was cold, I don't have to wear those anymore. I have this really interesting belief, I think maybe from a design perspective of like, oh I have clothing that like, oh I shouldn't wear these clothes together because the colors don't match or the patterns are weird or clashing or whatever weird fashion ideas that I got, probably from watching way too much on what not to wear as a child. So I have all these rules, right?
And so basically in this time, I'm kind of not listening to a lot of those rules. I'm just carrying a lot less because I'm like the only person that's gonna see me for any period of time is my partner. And my partner like literally doesn't care. He's not a fashion person.
So it's like, all right, this is really interesting. So what happens if I, oh my God, wear these colors at clash, literally nothing happens. Oh my God, what if I show up on a zoom call with a top bun, nothing happens. Also other people are wearing top buns.
So it doesn't fucking matter. And watching that experiment play out and it's like proof that it's fine, it's been really interesting. Also something that I've been working on is wearing quote, baggy or clothing. To give you more context again, I'm a straight size person.
If that term is new to you, go back and listen to the episode with Amanda Martinez back. I'm a straight size person and I'm still on the smaller side. Like I'm a shorter person as well. And so I'm sure that if I thought about it and I cared more about shopping, I'm sure I could go into a child section, even though like I do have hips and boobs.
I probably could buy child size clothes to a point. That's probably an option that I could use, but I don't. But anyway, that being said, sometimes when shirts are unisex and they're small, they still kind of fit loose and look a little bit quote baggy on me. And for a long time, that made me feel really uncomfortable because that made me think that I looked fat or baggy or not put together.
Basically some fat phobic shit and the more that I work on this because I'm working on this too all the time and during this time I'm like, I just wanna wear comfy stuff. So I've been wearing a lot of these looser shirts because it's easier. Sometimes I just sleep in them and then just kind of like move throughout my day, mostly wearing this for like most of the day. And I've noticed that when I look in the mirror, when I actually do look in the mirror, I don't see baggy anymore.
And I don't see like, oh my God, you look big anymore. I just see a person wearing a shirt and it looks fine. Like it's pretty neutral now. And if you wanna hear more about body neutrality, I'll link a post from my friend, Steph Goddard who talks about body neutrality.
That's where I first heard the term. So the more that I wear that and just care less and just wear stuff and like keep my life moving and not focus on it, the more that I'm okay with it. The more that I'm okay with wearing quote baggy or clothing that honestly like really isn't that baggy. If that's something that you're going through, I see you going through it too.
The small steps that I've taken around this is wearing the quote bigger clothes and just doing what I need to do. Listening to myself when I feel like, you know what, I just wanna wear something really soft and cozy today or like, you know what, I kinda do wanna wear this particular leggings that are more high top today. Just listening to what I really want and how I really wanna dress and letting myself do that. Even if there's a voice in my head that's like, are you sure about that?
Remembering that those annoying voices, those are internalized things and that, no for me, no one is telling me these things to my face right now. And for me, my partner doesn't care what I wear. And getting curious about that voice and knowing and being reassured that that voice really is not me. And it's other things that I've identified in talking with you.
It's things that I grew up with, it shows that I watched a lot as a kid. Also something that's really important that I've shared a lot about, I've re-shared people talking about this on Instagram is that my appearance is not the most important thing about me. It's what we, especially those who identify as women, have been socialized to believe that your body is one of the most important things, but it's really not. And my appearance is not the most important thing about me at all.
And as these voices come up and as I move through these things, as always, giving myself a lot of kindness and compassion. So the last one that I've been thinking about and working on and doing all this stuff is that during this time, I have been, my partner too, but we have been leading a lot more into comfort foods. And comfort foods in a way that are supportive for me and the ways that my body needs to work. For me, that's like still continuing to not eat gluten and to not really eat dairy because I have actual physical reactions to those.
Corona has really tapped on a lot of people's food things, whether that's a sense of security, safety, needs for control, anything that comes up about faffobia or being unhealthy, which usually goes back to faffobia. And a lot of those things haven't, haven't popped up for me as much, but what did pop up for me was security because right before things got really serious and things fully shut down, my partner and I went to get food at a grocery store when people were still really panic buying and there were no social distancing rules, there was no making, there was no masks. And the shelves were bare and the lines were super long and I had so much anxiety because it was just like, it was anxiety because it was hard to get in the store. It was hard to find food.
So like this has security was really tapped on. And then feeling other people's anxiety, that was really exhausting. So luckily things have gotten better, there are things in place and I'm really lucky that my partner is the one that goes to the grocery store and does that shopping. And I'm also really lucky that we still have a farmer's market that's within walking distance that I still open, that I go to and I do that stuff.
That's security thing, is in process. And also at the same time, I still meal plan. I don't really prep as much anymore because I don't need to, a lot of my prepping was like, because I need to go into the office. Guess what, working from home?
So I've been not really prepping that much, but still meal plans and we know what to buy. And I've really been listening to what I want my partner wants, which is like comfort food. Cravings are a helpful thing. Sometimes they really tell you what you need.
Sometimes from nutritional level of like your body needs this nutrient, it knows you can get the nutrients from this food. So I was like, hey, can you get that for me? And also like sometimes you just want stuff and that's totally okay. And I've really been leading into that.
And that really popped up for me as like cozy stuff. Like I really, we don't consistently buy bread. Good if your bread can be kind of like hit miss sometimes. Sometimes it can taste fine and sometimes it can taste really fucking spongy in a bad way.
And I was like, you know I really want some bread. You know what, I really want mashed potatoes. And then when we had bread I was like, oh my God, let's make a sandwich. It was the last time that I had a sandwich.
I don't have sandwiches super often because usually that stuff when we like go out and like, oh, we've got to be sandwich. I'm gonna try it. Don't really go on that much. So just been listening to things that I wanted.
And just been like, oh, what if we just have more of that? What if we buy that again? What if we make sandwiches? What if we have mashed potatoes?
What if we just make comfort food more often? And it's also in a way that again still works for me and my body. And also as I've experimented some things have come up of like, oh, your body's telling you you've reached your limit on the food. Whether it's because I started breaking out again or because my body was telling me in other ways like, maybe lay off of this.
So I've also been listening to that and adjusting to that as well. But some of this food, I do want to say, some of this food I haven't had in a long time because like I said before, we got it when we ate out and because I have been working through orthorexic thinking and run food. And that was really exacerbated after nutrition school. When you're taught the most optimal way to eat, it sounded like if you don't eat this way, you're not doing it right.
Which binary thinking is very common unfortunately. And so I was like, oh, okay, like then I just have to eat this way and if I don't eat this way, then I'm not healthy and blah, blah, blah, blah. That's a tricky trap, really slippery slope. So as I work my way through that, I'm like, oh yeah, this is fine.
I can eat bread. I can eat things that might have oils that aren't the best, things that I work through and navigate all the time. And I still really make space for other things that are pretty normal for us too. So it's not like I've completely thrown something out the window and like only comfort food.
And also if that's what you want and what you need, that's totally fine. I just have found more ways to incorporate stuff. And when things aren't working, I find more ways to incorporate other things that are more helpful for me. So small steps that I've taken is listening to what I really want to eat and trusting that and leaning into that and feeling okay.
Noticing when those judgy thoughts come up and getting really curious about where those come from are those things that actually help me or are those things that are just kind of fucking with me and aren't really mine. Remembering that I have other choices. If I have a meal and like any weird internalized feels come up or like my body's like, oh, that's doesn't really work out for us girl. And remember that I have so many other meals that I can adjust and readjust.
Stating what I needed when my body did have reactions because my partner is a different person. He doesn't have the same stuff as I do. So if he was like, hey, do you want to try this thing again? Be like, you know what, my body didn't really like that.
So I'm just gonna take a break on that. So you can enjoy it. And then taking additional action. So that could be adding in more supportive foods, taking it easy on other foods, water and rest, which is always helpful.
And also recognizing that stress does fuck with all of this and that we're living in a time of heightened stress. So that's okay. Again, checking in with myself and what I need. And then also remembering that my body size and my worth are not the same because that's a fat-ful-week thing that your body size and your worth are connected.
They're not. And then understanding, realizing and working more towards more full acceptance, not like in my mental brain but in like dealing with internalized shit, that being in a larger body is not a bad thing at all. Just really sitting with that and unpacking that as I look more and more at the stuff that I've internalized my whole life from society level and all of that shit. A longer episode than most of our solo shows, but there was a lot to cover and a lot to talk about.
So these are the five things that I've been thinking about in processing during this time. All the small steps are gonna be in the show notes. If I mention any resources, again, the show notes, great place for you to go. And I would love to know, did any of this resonate with you?
Are you working through certain things? Are you also trying to figure out maybe how to rest more? Or have you experienced burnout recently? Are there any fun things that you're working on doing through this time?
Are there any fun comfort foods that you're enjoying more so than before? Whether that eating sandwiches or maybe making something that your parents made growing up that was really comforting to you, a relative main. That was really comforting for you. Let me know, I would love to know what you thought about this show.
And remember, you can do this once more stuff at a time.