Hey guys, Dan here, just a quick heads up. This episode deals pretty heavily with some very sensitive material, specifically around sexual assault. So if that is something you would rather not hear about, we highly advise skipping this episode. And if so, we'll see you next week.
Bye-bye. I'm gonna go. Yeah. Whoa, big old fat mail driver.
Don't carry me too far away. Whoa, big old fat mail driver. I have lived and I have to slay. This week on King Me, Murder is a two-way street.
This is Big Driver. King Me. Welcome to King Me, the official podcast of Stephen King. The official podcast of recording in the same room.
The official podcast of there's a third guy here. We won't say his name yet and he won't talk. We demand silence. Turn his mic off.
Yeah. Turn his mic off. Yeah. And you know what?
While I'm at it? No. All right, you're back. Oh, thank God.
Sorry, I got drunk with power. And also drunk. Yeah, and also drunk. You're runky.
Welcome. This is the official Stephen King movie. That's a long way. It sounded like a liqueuroy, but not quite.
More adult. Yeah, like an adult liqueuroy. Like a liqueuroy with a big boy dick. That's right.
I'm drinking this big boy dick. Wait a second. What would you trick me into saying? So what show is this?
This is King Me. Okay, so that I'm Rob? Nope, I'm Rob. Okay, and you're Rob.
I'll be... Can we start the episode over? Yeah, yeah, let's do it again. Okay, read that thing again.
No. This week on the show we were joined, of course, by a guest who didn't give us credits to say we forgot to ask. Yeah, so what are your credits? He was recently fired from SNL.
Oh, he's a bit of a skank. Bit of a skank. It's friend of the show, Mark Henley. Yeah, I'll bring you back.
Hey, what's going on, guys? It's friend of the show, Mark Henley. That's not a big brainbag. All right, we're taking you back down.
Wait a minute. No, I've got credits. That's what I got on it, too. All right, name one.
Name one of your credits. Yeah, it shows different. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, you guys used to be nice.
This is new King Me. I do a podcast called the Super Teenagers Podcast. That's right. I've been listening.
Have you? Should I listen to it? I wouldn't. It's really in where it robs and downs.
Are you guys taking me down a peg? Are you punching down at me? Not at you, but at the dance of the world. Okay, I got that.
How would you describe your podcast? It's a lot of mind games, I think. There's four of us, me, Matt, and Bobby, she, and Ben Miller. And we bring up personal things about each other and then make fun of them and let's like go up.
Yeah, this week, we discovered that one of my friends, Bobby, can freestyle rap exactly like the insane clown posse. That was like a thing that you tore him to Shred's over? No, that was very exciting for all of us. Oh, wow.
That was a high point of high achievement. What does it mean to freestyle like the insane clown posse? To just do a bad freestyle? Yeah, to do it bad?
Yeah, but specifically in the way that they do it where it'll be like a thing, but then also like a thing that's like, like they're hitting somebody. You guys got us in the episode here. All right. And the show was called the Super Seniors.
Why Super Seniors? Because we're all kind of like, still in high school. Yeah, college, I think. We're not still in college, but like emotionally, I think.
But you still go to colleges. Yeah, you still go to college parties and scam on chicks. I may have told this story on the air at some point. One of your stories about scamming on chicks is why.
I was bird-dogging down the whole evening. No, one time I had gone to, I don't know, at some point in college, I like tangentially knew a guy in a frat. This is me canceling myself. Yeah, yeah.
But yeah, I got to the party. Morgan Spirlock. We're all having a nice time. And I have been eating nothing but McDonald's right past 30 days.
But yeah, so everyone's just having a nice fraternal time. And some guy like Knox on the door. He's like, he's an older fella, like probably in his mid 30s. And he's just like, hey, I used to be in this frat.
Mind if I take a look around? Oh my god. True nightmare stuff. I'm sorry, what time of day was this?
It was 11 in the afternoon. No, it wasn't. It was like a party. It was party time.
It was prime party time. OK, guys, this gives me an idea. What if we just go to a frat and tell them we used to go there? I can't read Greek alphabet.
I wouldn't know what to call it. I used to be in horseshoe too. Did I have horseshoe weird days? That was me.
Did I have you go to the Greek alphabet? We could go to these parties and scam on checks. I can't learn anymore. My doctor said I'm not allowed.
Well, you guys are both married guys now. We are. Yeah, I see we all used to hang out all the time. And then you moved far away and then so did I.
Not me. No, we stayed right here. Rob did it right. We betrayed Rob.
Wait, so am I the only one out there scamming on checks anymore? Yeah, no. Well, I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
Yeah, you're the only scam artist. Sam, dude. You're like, what's that guy's with the top hat? The mystery?
Mystery. I was going to call him magic. But yeah, mystery. Mystery?
Yeah, the pickup artist. It's a proto men's rights activist. Yeah. He's like the Karl Marx of rights.
Yeah. Do you remember that? There was a VH1 show called The Pickup Artist. Or something.
Remember what's the Dirt, the Motley Group book? Yes. It's written by Neil Strauss. Neil Strauss also wrote The Game, right?
Yes. It's all of this pickup artist nonsense. Maybe it's more accurate to say he's the Tim Ferriss of the men's rights movement. Mystery.
Yes. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm like the pick up artist guy because I don't have any of the techniques.
Or the hat. Or the hat. Yeah. You need to be peacocking and nagging.
Yeah. And fucking? Yeah. Speaking of pickup artists, pick driver.
Oh boy. He likes. When you mentioned the Motley Group book, I thought you'd be like, he looks like a guy who'd appear in the book. Same sort of thing.
No, it's like a dark carnival. That's what it looks like. I read the game, the Neil Strauss book, right? And it's horrifying.
That's how you got married. Yeah, that's how you got married. His vows were mean. Yeah.
Dana, you look fat. You look fat in that dress. Her wedding dress. You look fat.
Whatever. I'm leaving. You can come if you want. Oh, god.
Oh, god. Whoopsie shit. Now, the book is Neil Strauss's Deep Dive into this world of pickup artists. Yeah.
But at one point in the book, the guy, Mystery, and some other guys who have silly names, they all live in the same house. And they have disciples under them. It's very fight club in that they're like, there's a hierarchy in the house of people. And they have to do what the other people say.
But at the end of the day, it's all about the poon, bro. Amen, brother. So speaking of poon. I was doing my best not to.
Yeah, yeah, no, no. That's wildly inappropriate. For this movie that we're watching, the three white men. Yeah, we figured we should have someone who's out there scamming chicks to talk about this movie.
Yeah. Directed by Michael Solomon. Meekal. Meekal.
He's a king alum. He's directed such king movies as Salem's Lot mini series. With Rollo. Hey, he directed two episodes of Nightmares and Dreamscapes.
The end of the whole mess. That one about the epidemic of Alzheimer's. And the autopsy one where the guy was alive and they were like, going to cut his dick off. Oh, and he had the thing on his face.
Yeah, the guy is the guy from it. Yeah, yeah. We said it together. You owe me a look Roy with a big dick.
It's talking about, so not only a Robin Dan, not only a Robin Dan man, guys, they both wear the same white shirt. We're both wearing Haines' tagless tees. Well, we're big fans of Michael Jordan in the commercial where he has a Hitler mustache. We're just big fans of Michael Jordan as a business man.
Yeah, as a business man, as his overall character in general. And it's huge. Hands. His huge pants, his gambling problem.
And what else do we know about him? His basketball playing. Yeah, his father probably was killed over his gambling downs. Is that a thing to think?
It is. Well, I don't know why. I don't know why. Do you think the white shirt thing is that you guys not peacocking anymore?
You think that's the state? I need to tone it down. Yeah. Because you guys are both wearing white shirts.
And I show up wearing a graphic shirt with a. Yeah, your peeking costume. And I've got pink shoes on and a jacket with a varsity jacket with camo sleeves. Yeah.
Yeah, you're the peacocking. You look like a roasted comic. Yeah. I do.
He bucks like a guy from Legion of Skanks. You should be wearing a skank. Yeah, you should be wearing fingerless gloves also. I should.
Although they would tear you to shreds over the shoes. That's sort of like the pink shoes? No, the skanks would tear you to shreds. It's don't.
But that's sort of like you signaling. That's like the bandana in the back pocket. That's how you let everyone know your cruiser. Yeah.
Well, the roadshow I do sometimes is on gas digital. So it's not. Is that skank TV? That's the skank.
That's like the skanks like hold on. So you're a skank? I don't think so. I think that they don't know by sight or maybe by name or reputation.
Skank and Jason. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. All right.
We can agree. Yeah. OK. Big driver.
Big driver. Meekal. It's on on. That's OK.
Starring. Maria Bello. Maria Bello. King alum.
What was she in? She was in Secret Window. She played stupid, stunning deaf flight. That's right.
You guys when we first started this were like, well, man, it'll be funny to see him in King stuff. And now you guys are like hardcore Stephen King nerds. I know. It happened accidentally.
It's very begrudging. It is like a hero's journey. But we're not heroes. Yeah.
It got like the story circle or whatever. We got lost somewhere in the middle. There's no return home. We can't find the edge of the circle.
You guys like this is the director that was in these other things. No one but the two of us. It's more of a hero's spiral. Yeah.
Now the people that listen, they know what we're talking about. They like it. So that's good. All right.
Yes. I can. We got a nasty review that said, well, we should because we got a nice review. Yeah, we should we have to read the reviews anyway, because they're written in Stephen King wrote them himself.
Oh, he does. Well, we have we have one written in Stephen King and then two people I don't so much care about. OK. Yeah.
So sorry, I'm pulling him up right now. I'm pulling him up too. I wonder who'll get there first. I'm here already.
Here's one from Stephen King. Stephen King signing on. Best podcast about my work. The guys are really fun.
And I do appreciate that they don't review any adaptations by Dean Coons. Not that there are any, am I right? Thanks, gents. Be nice to Dr.
Sleep. OK, Dr. Sleep's a bad guy. I'm not going to be nice to a bad guy.
Is Dr. Sleep's a bad guy? Is he the bad guy? I don't know.
Hey, would you guys be nice to Osama bin Laden? No. Yeah, so why be nice to Dr. Sleep?
That's what I mean. You know what? If I was on one of those planes, things would have been different. Yeah, I was just on another ball.
I heard that. If I was sitting next to Mark Wahlberg on one of those planes, things would have been different. Fist bump. Love's Young Buck, Rob Avant.
How old were you in 9-11? 9-11. I was 18. I just turned 18.
Where were you? I was sleeping. I was in. Can anyone corroborate this?
Oh, no. This was Young Teen Eyed Rob Avant. He was the captain of the football team. Before I became a Stephen King.
I could have been a Stephen King nerd. Yeah, you're one of those cool jocks. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
You were like, Adam Corolla. Somebody went out there. Go face the dandruff. It was like I ate something, like battery ass or something.
Couple more reviews not left by Stephen King. Right. Which one? Yeah.
So the title of this is An Ellipsis. Disrespected the author almost right away. Total turn off. Couldn't listen.
Blah. Two stars. So not one. Two stars.
They like the Ramones. That must have been like the audio is great. So yeah, it's clearly a professional operation. It's just dog shit.
I mean, the production value is there. I just don't like it. I should take a moment to show some respect to the King every episode. We respect the King.
Have respected him. Yeah. Can you feel better now? I have felt better now.
And then there's one more. Yeah. So someone jumped in to say, disrespected the author almost right away. Total turn on.
Couldn't stop listening. Five stars. Thank you for restoring balance to the universe. Hey, if you're enjoying the show or not, I guess.
Or not. Or if you consider it to be a total turn off. If you guys want to power the other people's reviews of the reviews of this podcast, that's, yeah. Let's open up.
Yeah. I'm sorry. You go ahead and I have a thing. Go ahead.
I was just going to rephrase what Mark said. Make it better. Yeah. Guys, leave five stars.
Leave a nice review. In the voice of Stephen King. We'll read it. And if not, in the voice of Stephen King, we'll still read it.
We'll do it anyway. We appreciate the feedback. We can take notes like Total Turn Off and incorporate them into the show. Do you guys hear that?
Yeah, what is that? Is that a ghostie? It's a ghost in the machine. You got to kill this fan.
I'm good. All right. Folks, we apologize. If you enjoyed that buffeting, now it's turn off.
This is like, why not just off and on? Is this our bottle episode? The bottle episode of a podcast. I also want to give everybody an update on the Stephen King the King Me podcast wars.
People, we have one. We have one. What? Folks, we got them.
We got them. The other King Me throw in the towel. I don't know if anybody's been reading the rocks tweets, but we got them. They King Me?
The fraternary to the throne. Damn. Yeah. They, they're not doing it anymore.
So to everyone out there who bullied him, I say, thank you. Thank you. No. Why do you stop doing it?
It wasn't rewarding. It wasn't rewarding. Which, yeah, buddy. We know.
Damn dude, this is like one of the fake undertakers showed up to fight the real undertakers. And one. And you guys fucking tombstoneed him. That's right.
What? We did? Yeah. Yeah.
We did. And at SummerSlam, we do wear a lot of face makeup. And then records. Yeah.
They were both matching white t-shirts and then like eyeliner. Right. And just fucking tombstone, everybody. And that way when it gets emotional, the tears come down.
And then all your white shirts. What's a tombstone? Tombstone is when you like, all right. So it starts out.
It's like a standing 69. And then you drop down to your knees. It's like a dirty censure. It's like if you were 69ing someone.
OK. Then you like drop in your knees. Yeah, you drop them on their head. 69ing someone with a large height differential.
Yes. OK. OK. Thanks for putting this in terms I understand.
Yeah. You held them up to 69, but they were too tall. And they're kind of like, I'm actually down by your knees. And then you like drop to your knees.
And then they're like, ah. Yeah. Yeah. Tombstone.
The white T-shirts are to indicate to people that we no longer 69 and can wear clean white T-shirts. It's like white bed linens and hotels are white. Now are people can't 69? No.
Damn dude, I'm going to be forever sad. Yeah. Yeah. Big driver.
This is a lifetime original movie. Who else is in this? Joan Jett. Joan Jett of the Black Hearts.
And what's the other cherry bomb? What's the runaways? Yes. Yeah, yeah.
Who else? Olivia Dukakis. The cock. Sorry.
And Dowd. Wait, can I take that again? Oh, please. The duke.
There we go. Thank you. So that it's me saying the duke, wait, can I take that again? The duke.
The same inflection. And Dowd from Hereditary. Hereditary. There's a razor there.
And then the other guy. Will Harris. I've never seen any of these people about Joan Jett before. You've never seen her at the delta?
I've seen her at the delta. I've seen him at Hereditary, but I don't remember what anyone looks like. Did you like it? Yeah, it was cool.
You don't remember what the girl looks like? I remember her. Yeah, they really focus on showing you her face at one point. Maria Bello has been in things.
She, a history of violence at David Crudtenberg. I think it's David Crudtenberg. I've never seen her. That's a good movie.
Actually, the first 69 on mainstream film. Hell yeah. And they're married couple. What about the cabinet of Dr.
Calgary? Are they 69 in the cabinet of Calgary? I watch. Oh, no.
Nobody was silent in that. There's that whole 69 sequence. Oh, yeah. And it's in like that fast film that everybody's all sped up.
Yeah, it's that weird, that old aspect ratio where it's just like a circle. Bring that back. Yeah, bring a circle back, guys. Nobody was 69ing in that train coming towards the screen.
No, that's the first 69 on that. People were 69ing and everybody ran out of it. They thought they were going to get 69. That's dumb.
All right. Big driver. Big driver. Huge.
Nice. Do you see this driver? Pretty big guy. I'll say when the big driver came on screen, I thought to myself, is that the big driver?
And I was right. I was very disappointed. So what we got here? What we got here?
What we got starts off with two women in their neighbors. Oh boy. And it was exhausting. They're skyping each other.
Yeah. And they find out they live next door. Why are they skyping each other? They live next door.
Right. Maria Bello is frantically trying to get her. The cold open, like over the credits is like in a drainage pipe. And we just like end on like the decaying face of somebody.
Right. Which is like, what's that? And then cut to. Smash cut to Maria Bello frantically trying to get ready to go somewhere.
Like packing a bag doing all this stuff. Right. We see that she's an author. All of her books are up on the shelf.
Hey, she writes shitty like mystery novels. Which she writes murder. She wrote the book. Yeah.
It's the cold like it's the knitting club. It's got the Will as well. The knitting society. Is that what it is?
I know it's a lot. That's why the TV is there, baby. It has a TV on this playing the movie. And that's it happened to say Rob's like looking at it and he's like, it's the knitting.
I'm like, it's the Will as well. I'm like, it's the movie. I'm like, it's the movie. I'm like, I'm like, it's the movie.
I'm like, I'm full. I'm seeing you. I'm like, I'm like, glasses on. All right.
Do you want mine? Yeah. Give me yours. Okay.
I mean, I was like, I love his little book story. I know where he wrote his book that he wrote, but it's golden girls and it's books. Yeah, perfect. And they're knitting.
Yeah. I mean, if you're going to borrow some from the mystery section, there's like, sure. No. There's like there's there's books like this that there's just like whatever.
Like 50 books all written by the same author about like one, you know, like a Nancy group but they're four, you know, older people. They're four grandmas and shit. So like read and just whatever. Yeah.
So this is, it's so short, I don't know. It was weird to me that they picked like that specific. There's a lot of like hallucinating, uh, erm, like you're, psyche manifesting and- Yeah buddy. We see it all the time.
Olympia Dukakis is one of the, will it be a meeting society? So Duke. Yeah, the cack. Uh, and she, she just plays like a, figment of her imagination that she interacts with.
And which I enjoyed. Come on. I like it. You enjoyed, I don't know.
I get really flustered when they have the figment of the imagination. Be like, I should know, I mean, I'm just a figment of your imagination. Well that sucks. That sucks.
And also there were multiple figments of her imagination. Well that's- GPS. Hey buddy. We're not even king tropes just yet.
You're imagination is limitless honestly. Oh, look at this guy. Yeah. She lives in a beautiful townhouse.
She lives in a beautiful townhouse. Yeah. You think that's part of like the lifetime contract is you have to live in a beautiful townhouse? Yeah.
If you, is this your first lifetime movie? I've seen them before. I feel like this is very lifetime movie. Like the fact that she's like that kind of a writer, like for these like shitty mystery novels.
Yeah. And then she herself is caught up in a mystery. Yeah. But like, found this to be very dark for a lifetime movie.
I feel like most of them are about like a woman being abused and then like fighting back in someone. Yeah. I just the abuse sequence was man. Yeah.
By the way, before we get to that, is the GPS off the table? We talked about the GPS? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.
So she has like a Tom Tom GPS. That she just goes Tom. She just goes Tom. You don't want to, you know, have to pay Tom Tom.
That's that's me. Tom Tom money. Yeah. We can't be right money.
Tom Tom money. This is like 2014, right? And everyone is very impressed by this GPS. Yeah.
I felt like I was trying to remember like in 2014 was Tom Tom Tom outmoded yet? I feel like yeah. Yeah. I mean it's hard to remember.
I think I see five years ago. Well, we did five years ago. We were sleeping. Can you incorporate this?
We were single, so we were still 69. Okay. Yes. I remember correctly.
I was up to my nose in. Sorry. I was tombstone in on the week guys. I was 13 years after 9 11.
Five years ago, I was just beginning to get over 9 11. Now it was a teenager view. GPS is that version of the GPS that like sits on the dashboard or whatever. It's been around for what?
Like 10 years? More than 15 maybe? What do we think? Probably like 10.
Yeah. So I think when I was like 20, I went on a road trip to Boston and the GPS that we had stopped working because the battery's died. We had to use my friend's iPhone to navigate. And everybody's like, I don't even know if this is going to work guys.
Yeah. And that was probably like 2008. This is like seven years late. Right.
And you guys, it was a road trip up to Boston. Yes. So you guys could all lose your virginity, right? Yeah.
Okay. And we fucking did. We all fucked the same pole revere lookalike guy. We all 69.
That doesn't count. Which is 69 to the fourth power. Do the math. It's hard with two guys because one guy's always getting choked.
You know what I mean? What else you do it on the side? What do you mean? What do you mean?
Well, because of the guys on top. Oh, okay. You know where to move. Yeah.
That's true. Yeah. That's just because I like the. You can't have a guy on top.
You'll be side to side. You can't be. I was thinking. Sorry.
I'm drawing this out right now. I've got some diagrams that I'll post to Facebook. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. No more 69 talk on the show. Get that sour clam out of here. Who the fuck was that little baby?
So side by side we all agree. We'll do it. Alright, that's all hold hands and agree. Big driver.
Yeah. Fuck Yeah, this is the wrong. The wrong for this. Yeah, this is really bad.
So, Maria Bello. She has a man. I have been wanting to do that for a good 20 minutes. She's hired to do like an author appearance at some.
Like a library. Yeah, but it's only like women in their 70s or more, right? Yeah. Everybody's very old and Ann Dowd is the organizer of it, right?
And she's just like, oh, biggest fan. This is a big driver, not big fan. But she's a big fan. And she does her whole speech and whatever.
They talk about the traffic. Sorry, it took me so long to get up here. Three hours and up above and whatever. Yeah, this is like in a pre, like prior to like the Q&A and stuff, is like a meeting they're having.
I think this guy's so impressed with her TomTom GPS. Yeah, yeah. And Dowd is like, oh, I know a shortcut on the way back. I'll hook you up with the shortcut.