8th show July 27 2015

That's it. That's it? And I go the day. So let go of the fucking day, man.

Go on. We're gonna go on. Yes, I want to go on. We don't have to.

Where's the gong? Just make the sound of a gong. Go on. Okay.

So like you're snoring. Oh gong. Jesus, can I just do it? Okay.

The following show is for mature audiences only. Listener discretion is advised. And if you don't like it, please go fuck yourself. One, two, three, four.

Do you feel your sex life is quite lame? Scared that your desires might be strange? Come and join the kinky world of play. I heard my nipple.

Why did you do that? I was trying to tease Kathy and like show her my nipple and then I smacked it. I did it with her myself. I did it with her myself.

Very sensitive. And notice the sadistic meanie that abysses. She just laughs when I hurt myself. Generally yes.

Whatever. Hello and welcome to the Bird of God Gats the show where we explore the adventures of the kinky lifestyle sex and perversion. And at the end we sing a song. And hock a giant luge into the microphone.

Thank you, P. Recording live from Camp Fifi deep in the suburbs. In front of a bird. It's a bird.

It's a bird. Hi, per. Hi. We have a new pervert today.

I'm Kathy. I'm a baby. I'm a baby. I'm a boogie.

I forgot my name. Fucking Franken Kathy. My name is Kathy. Oh, we're really on that road today.

Oh, speaking of roads. What did you guys do this week? I heard you guys were masturbating today a lot. What did you hear that?

You said you masturbated today. I'm like, well, I want to talk about it. So this morning I get a text from boogie letting me know that the podcast is up because we're recording on Wednesday when it went up. I said, okay, cool.

I'm in the middle of masturbating. I listened to it in a bit. I was actually listening to my birthday episode the part where you guys were beating me. Kathy and a bit more beating me.

You've been slut. I'm a bit slut. Be masturbates to her own audio porn. I was masturbating to them beating me.

It was hot. You can thank our amazing condenser mic that we now have to pick up our demos and stuff. So his response was, we'll carry on. So, Kathy, you masturbated today?

Yes, I did. How was that? It was wonderful. It was really good.

Did you throw yourself down on the bed and call yourself names? No, I don't have those kind of orgasms. Mine are very quiet. You don't even know.

If you were watching me in bed, you were watching me in bed. You have a dying rose laid across your chest. Exactly right. Are you having one right now?

Yes, I was having a heart. You know? It's very, very quiet. Oh, I had one of those how long, long, long time ago.

I won't say what your relationship was, but it was many, many years ago. And it was like I was all new and young, very, very young and still a Christian preacher. By the way, did I ever mention I was a Christian preacher? Yes, yes.

I was in the hospital. Yes, and I was in the hospital. Yes, okay, great. Alzheimer's.

We'll talk about that later. But I remember being so excited because, you know, oh, here's my, you know, this Christian relationship and I was married to, I guess I just am going to out and I thought it was my ex-wife who at the time wasn't very sexually advanced. And her orgasms were literally like this. Okay, you have to listen very, very closely.

40 minutes, my teeth are numb from fucking going down in her and I'm begging this imaginary god that at the time I believed it to please let my wife have an orgasm. And I'm like, oh, God, I'm going to die. And this is it. Dead quiet, dead flower on the chest.

And this is it. And I was like, yay, I am a rock star. And, you know, I'm sure I got better as time went up. At the time it was pretty, pretty bad.

We saw Mad Max today. Wow, that's so much that. What a segue, that's what this and I did. We said, God damn it, we're going to see a movie.

And she wanted to see Mad Max Fury Road. It had a lot of good reviews and it was very, very jam-packed action, whatever. It was a lot of driving. Was there anything kinky in it?

It was just driving. Yes, the kink was driving. If you have a driving fetish. If you like driving in cars and weird people.

I will say a lot of the outfits, borderline fetish wear. Yeah, there was definitely some sexy visual sexiness going on there. So a lot of driving. Yeah, the whole movie.

Two hours. Here's your spoilers. Turn your head away if you don't want a spoiler. It's just driving.

Hey. Aggressive driving. Very aggressive, very angry driving. Lots of angry drivers on that road of fury.

And it was great. The only thing that was great about that was the commercials. Because when you go to the cheapie theaters, they show you commercials to make you realize that you're a broke ass and a loser and have to watch commercials for your cheap movie. So there's this fucking Taco Hell commercial, right?

And I swear to God, they use this song, you know this song, all around me, you have a familiar face. The total emo song, right? Some girls singing this emo song and this guy's like, oh man, I'm totally bummed. And there's cute girls dancing off in the distance where they don't want him.

And he's like, oh emo, whatever. And so to make his life better, he goes and eats a bacon taco. And now he's, all of a sudden, I can deal with life. Hops, chicks don't dig me.

I'll never get laid. And then we started joking about, all you need is a bacon taco and a Xanax. If I can get through life. And then we invented a bacon-Zanner taco.

Bist is like, it might be bitter at first. But then after 20 minutes, you're like, you're like, it's pretty good, actually. So that's what we all do with our day. That's it.

That was our day. And I would find out what's going on. We share our kinky thrills! Put the puppets from around the world!

Yeah, but put the fudgass dog in the fudgass! That's like motherfucker! FETlife.com is the world's greatest social media site for kinky people and every week we talk about the stuff that FETlife people are talking about. For your peace of mind, please know that every group or blog post we talk about has specifically granted us permission to do so.

So. FETlife. It's so operatic. So, uh, are we doing money?

Yeah, we're doing money. Alright, where's perkier? Like boobs. Like boobs.

Well, any topic. The topic we are covering is the top 10 signs. You're too old for BDSM. Yeah.

And I will say it's- I will say it did strike a chord on some of us. Not me. What? Fucking whippersnappers.

So this is at the top of K&P like a week and a half ago. It's not a chord of a lot of people. And it's funny. And it's like to give the top one, it's like H.

K. is really 24-7. One year too old. And yeah, no.

So what we decided was to go with the ideal suspension is an ultra lift bar offer. Some of us. It's really funny. So we decided we could do better.

So we're going to write our, you're too old for kinks. Now. Now. Now.

We're actually doing them now. What? You're supposed to write them. You're supposed to write them.

I'm sorry, what? What? Why don't we go with B? Alright.

You know you're too old for kink when you stop worrying about your parents finding out about your kinky life and realize that your kids or worse grandkids are old enough to have that life accounts. Oh. And secondly, you might be too old for kink or BDSM if you accidentally send your dungeon membership renewal to the double ARP. Oh, see, because that's for old people.

That's actually funny. It happens. Kathy, Kathy, have you gotten your card yet? No.

No, I mean, I'm close. I'm there. What is the age that's 50? 50.

I see her, man. This year is my year. I remember when my husband got his in the mail, he was like, no, no. I didn't discount on that.

Nice. And suddenly he's like, Kathy, did you write them? Well, on that note, I'm going to be 50 this year. And that was a very triggery piece for me.

And I refused to write it. But I will share with you when it actually did happen to me. Okay. A hot flash right in the middle of getting banged.

Nice. Had to tap out, but that's not a good stop. Probably not a nice back on my post. What is the fucking ice back?

I had a similar situation where I've had my back go. You're hong. And I've literally done that. I'm like, oh, I'm like, I'm a rock star.

I'm a rock star. I'm a rock star. I broke your shit. I'm a pax passom.

So this has some, okay, you're too old for a king. When you're watching an interrogation scene and you yell, they did it better in the Inquisition. Oh, that is fucking old. And the other one I have is when you have to trade your garters in for a girdle.

Oh, yes. Because shit just starts dropping in. Gravity, not the friend of the ages. And then my last one is you know you're too old for BDSM when you're strap on needs diagram.

Oh, I did the biz wins. We don't even know what to do. Whatever, I remind, okay, you know you're too old for a kink or BDSM when they pull the ball gag out of your mouth and your false teeth are stuck to it. But up, bump.

Really? Really? Fuck your cunt. You lose whores.

You purposefully every time fuck you people at my perverted podcast listeners. You know what? Fuck you guys. I'm just talking to the listeners.

No, you can't. You're too old for kink win. Your PPP is motivated by an enlarged prostate rather than your uber dominance. See, it's old.

Thank you at least for candle after. Goddamn it. You swatter three times and it turns into breath play for you. Oh, see.

Okay. No, no, no, it's funny. Okay. Thanks.

You know you're too old for kink. This is for fee. You know you're too old for kink or BDSM when you can comb over your ear hair and make you look more like a lumber sexual. See?

See that that ear hair? Lumberjacks. Oh, like a beard. Yeah.

Ear beard. Moving right along. I hear is my last one. You know you are probably too old for kink or BDSM.

When you walk halfway across the room to get your Viagra and realize your balls are still in your girlfriend's mouth on the bed. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Whatever. And Abyss Brudditrash can. I am actually old to make the trash can. Thank you, Abyss.

All right. So the next post we're going to talk about is called something like, can you submit when you're angry? Do we have a permission to say her name? Yes.

Well, we don't know how to pronounce her name. I think it's Britain Cooley. I'm like Brittankulai. It's Britt.

Britt. Brittankulai. Britt. She has a post about that too.

I was like, that's rude. It's, can you serve when you're mad? It's the type of question. It's the type of question.

I was good. So she's talking about it's in her nature to be very combative and bratty and they're moving in together, I believe, her and her guy. And so what's happening is she's having to confront all these issues where she would normally be a total brat and a jerk and come off with some sassy remark and they've talked about it and she has decided they both have that she's going to try and take the higher road and do something different. So she's talking about what it's like the first time that she has to actually confront a point where she would be sassy and all just bratty mouth and she doesn't.

Instead she takes the other road and how hard that is to do. And I have to say my hat's off to her because there's no way I could do that. I would totally brat out. I don't know that I could keep my mouth shut which is probably why I'm not in a 24-7 and will never be.

You're sure you can't cup a coffee. Sure. That's exactly right. That's exactly what I would do.

No, I could never do that. I think she's amazing for doing it. She goes into detail about how hard it is for her to do and how she does it. Anyway, she comes out the other end and it was actually a really good thing.

Yeah. So we're posing the question to each other is can you be of service when you're angry at your top dominant significant other. Can you be supportive in service or submissive or of service? They're two different things.

I can go. Okay. No. But here's the caveat.

It takes a lot to get me mad. So when I am angry someone has crossed over a line and then no I will call pause on any DS situation that we have going on because we need to talk about it. I can't be okay with someone if I feel like they've done something that has crossed the line for me and I've done it with an ex of mine when he rolled back the DS in our relationship and said from now when he came out it was supposed to be 24 seven we had this thing going and then he kept screwing things up and things were getting upsetting. So we changed it to it's only DS when I have a collar on.

So we went to the supermarket and he did something don't leave and I snatched his hand away and I was like no. There's no collar on my neck right now. You don't get to do that. And he got pissed off at me and I was like no.

You set this rule. I didn't want to roll back the DS. You wanted to roll back the DS. I will not submit right now.

And I was pissed off for a while about that and I couldn't submit again until he owned up to it and apologized. So no if I'm upset it's because someone's done something that bad and I'm like no no no no until we're back on the same playing field you don't get some is a fee. Well that is fees. How fee handles fees submission.

We're not going to talk about the difficulties and individual dynamics and variables of the thousands of DS relationships that are out there. But I really like to point out when I read this that the word submission is a very funny word for people in this lifestyle where the actual meaning of the word I should have actually printed this out but it basically doesn't imply that you have to enjoy what you're doing in fighting when you submit it's because they're going to break your fucking arm or choke you to death while you're fighting. It is not something that you give up naturally. It is not something that you go oh okay I'll submit.

That is when you submit for the sake of doing it because you enjoy doing it there's really not as much of a challenge in doing that. It's as far as I'm concerned the only time I submit when I got arrested I submitted when they said turn around and they push me against my car and put cuffs on me that was a submission. I did not want to be taken by people and I was taken by people. They other times I've had a lot of run ins with police officers in my life.

Those are times of submission. So when it comes down to when you're angry can you be of service can you? I guess another aspect because I know a lot of master slave relationships people who are in those relationships and they talk very specifically about these times when you're angry at your master and there's a job that still needs to be done and are you going to have the integrity to do that job that thing that you committed to even if you don't like or are angry at the person that is telling you to do that because you agreed. Now in a few situations there was a thing where they had something set up but if you're in more of a 24-7 you can expect that you're going to be being of service at times where you're not exactly thrilled with your top or dominant.

It also depends on what you guys are doing. If it's an interpersonal thing I can understand maybe having a little more leeway but if you're talking about more of like no we're going to this conference we had this situation where we are going to talk and we had a demo set up or something like that. No it's not about the relationship it is about the higher calling and what you committed to. I know that for me personally I have been of service plenty of times when I've been fucking ready to rip someone's face off and it's not just a dominant situation or whatever.

It's you know if you have a job to do. If you have a job to do you fucking do it. So that's true. There have been many times where I've had to submit or serve when I don't want to do that specific task but she was talking specifically about being angry and that is a hard fucking emotion to get past.

Yeah because I can I can't I've had tops and domes who make me exercise or whatever in order to do think I don't want to exercise I don't want to make my lunch every day I don't want to do the things I have to do but I do them because I agreed to them. That's not anger that's like okay I don't want to do this but I agreed to do this I didn't want to quit smoking I quit smoking but anger is different and when I'm angry that's we have to hit us. I've had being in leadership at a threshold sometimes we don't all get along. What?

It is true and sometimes there is angry and there have been times where and mine I consider my more service than submission but there's been times where I've been angry at other people that I'm working with but the job still needs to get done and not only am I angry at that person but now I'm kind of cleaning up after something or trying to help solve the situation even though I may be angry at the person which of course we resolve it and work it out you know talk about it but at that time the job needed to be done and I could throw that person under the bus and cause more problems or just do the service and get it done. I'm sure as a nurse a bess has had more than one patient that has made her fucking pissed off. No they are all angels. Pinch your IV motherfucker.

No but it's an even a DS situation I've been in situations where I've been like they've been play after many spirited conversations and I've noticed like for me if it goes from being like because I had to work to submit during play like it for me it was just bottoming at a good time but it was bottoming there got to a point where I could submit during play and I've found that after like if there's been anger or whatever like my fall back is going back to bottoming so it's the process of reopening yourself up so I can understand it being difficult. Yeah I was having this conversation with a friend of mine recently I just realized that the conversation goes along with this where he was saying that with his partner when they got into a situation where they were having an argument the protocol for that relationship was for her to get down on her knees into position which would trigger the daddy brain in to be like oh wait I have to I care for this person and we're having a fight and I need to turn my don brain on and be caring now and it took me a while to understand why she would have to submit when she's pissed off I was like no that doesn't make sense at all but once I understood it from his side that it was a trigger for him to see her get down on her knees was like oh hold on she needs me to listen to her right now and I was like oh okay I guess that makes sense fine. Well look at that we solved we solved master we solved BTS and a sweet song. I mean about the creepers on her face and how she needs to get laid beyond the penis.

I do love the penis but I don't love is when someone uses the whole like girl thing on me when they haven't earned it. I get emails I get a lot of emails I love my emails I love the people who talk to me and send me things but when they send me a message and it says something along the lines of oh you're a pretty girl or you're such a good girl and I don't fucking know them. You really really get over it. No it's annoying.

You know it's really annoying because I'm an adult and I don't like being treated like a girl by someone that doesn't have the authority to treat me that way. I guess that's a weird question. Yes I guess. Is it Shark Week?

It is indeed Shark Week. So the blog that I posted I think I actually posted this one yesterday it does end by saying this is a public service announcement. This public service announcement has been brought to you by Tampax because yeah it is Shark Week but it just it does it. It runs me the wrong way and it reminds me of another thing that I know that that Boogie blocked about it before and I've written about it in other things where I won't use the sir or any other honorific on anyone until I feel it until I felt that they've earned it and you use the word like till you've done the work.

It's kind of the same thing the other way. You don't get to girl me or sweetie me or whatever unless we've got that relationship happening. It's also I think you're saying you're getting this via email right? Okay so it's different than like say someone at the dungeons like hey honey or how you doing there you know because yeah like that situation or people commenting on something I've written and saying good girl.

Okay creepy that's creepy. Why is that creepy? Because you don't even know who it is they have no right to be that intimate with you. I didn't know there was a law that when I went on the internet that no you have a personal fucking choice to ignore my email but what's happening now is I'm just going to be as somebody who has gotten these return emails.

If I call you sweetie or little girl or I'm playing a role all you have to do is ignore me but the fact that you get so irked about it I don't know why it gets in your head so much. We don't know you were right now because we're just discussing it we don't know I'm just saying the responses that I've heard this a number of times like don't call me fucking sweetie or don't call me girl or don't call me this or that you don't know me and it's like you're right we're on the internet and you got fucking sexy pictures of you and you say you're a fucking little girl or you advertise it you're a submissive and I or I'm just saying in general and so it's like okay so someone says okay little girl then you just you can why is that bug you I mean just ignore it if you don't like it. Well I mean does it bother you if someone call it well no it doesn't bother me online when people call me sir I just don't if I have a chance to have a discussion with you the blog that I wrote was don't call me sir if you haven't fucking earned the right to call me sir or we have that dynamic but if I don't know you and you're just reaching out and saying hey baby I like you which I get all the time because women just flocked to me right but I just don't take it personal on the internet because it's the internet. The only reason that I can only say from my point of view I would imagine a lot of women feel the same way it's very condescending and we as women have trouble just accepting that already because we're always fighting against the current so to have something like that come out again it triggers us.

It is actually kind of a dust trigger there was I used to have a job I had a job and my job was it was like a pager shop pager do you remember those and I was supposed to answer the phone and activate pager no big deal but this the sales guy would come up to me like oh sweetie when you get a chance could you go clean the bathroom and make some coffee that was not my job my job was not to clean the bathroom and make coffee and calling me sweetie isn't gonna make me want to do it for you so it kind of gives me that same feeling. I was a waitress for a million years so it's one of those things where it's like I call everybody sweetie honey whatever a lot of times it's a mellow term of a dare man if you have an email that starts with because I've gotten these hey baby how you doing blah blah blah and you are the letters are the letters not your anyway whatever but at that point just kind of go douche and delete I mean if it were in person and someone said hey girl like and not even like hey girl it's about intention yeah because yeah no someone does that shit to me and it's like I can call you a cup but if my person calls you a cunt doesn't know there's a fight exactly and it's like that it's about the intention it's about it's about that I can tell when the email comes in or when someone says it in a way that is supposed to be patronizing and it doesn't jive well delete what you do da da da da da da da da da da da hey I'm the bright side segue on the bright side I'm gonna be spending the next week um in a bathing suit, not having shark week because I just got through it this week. So you don't have to worry about sharks on your vacation. No, no sharks on the vacation.

It starts to be scared if you in the water. There's one where they'll be like, oh, she's a little aggressive. Just don't call her sweetie. Hey, sweetie, get that butt your butt.

So there's a little background. I've lost a lot of weight in the last year, almost 80, 90 pounds. I'm like this. It was difficult, but it also kind of just happened.

So body image issues are a thing we all deal with. No. Everybody I know has body image issues. And the idea of dogees having his belly right now.

Yeah, it's the Buddha. I can't see because your computer's in the way. So a week on the beach in a bathing suit, I was kind of feeling a little about that. And then I was going back through my past blogs.

And I remembered this one day very specifically that I wrote this one. I was feeling really crappy one night. And there was a party going on at Threshold. And I decided to go.

I think this was shortly after the last guy dumped me or something. I was feeling pretty crappy. So I had this dress that is not a style of dress. I normally wear it's like really tight and form-fitting.

And I decided to just put it on and go, even though I have a belly and it showed a little bit. I went. Had no play plan. The only clean pair underwear I had was a fong.

And I always wear full coverage underwear at Threshold because body image issues, whatever. So I get there. And I meet this guy who looks like a pirate. It was awesome.

He's in the rope. And we arranged a scene. And during the negotiation, he asks if I'm comfortable taking my dress off. And I said, well, I'm not really.

I mean, I guess if you want me to, that's fine. But I'm not wearing cute underwear. So to pass forward, at the end, he ends up telling me that I'm a liar and punishing me. But I'm air quoting because it was like fun.

Because I said I wasn't wearing cute underwear. And he says, don't you ever lie to me like that again. You're underwear are very cute. And at this point, I open my eyes and look in the mirror.

And I'm naked except for my thong. And I think I look hot. And it was just relieving to look in the mirror and say, you know what? I've done a lot of work on this body.

And it looks good. And I haven't really had a lot of terrible body image issues since that day. Because every time I start to get into this spinny thing in my head, where, oh gosh, I'm heavy and blah, blah, blah. I remember I look good that day.

And I still look good. And I'm going to be fine on the beach for a week. And it's just family anyways who fuck cares. And also, it's I'm glad that you're able to take that.

And you know, and it's also this isn't a you're done with your project either. Oh, no. You and I just went for this long as like hour and a half walk the other day. And we're still like committed to being healthy.

That's the other thing. And you're feeling sexy and sassy. And I do I have this really hot bathing suit that I bought, two sexy for family. I got to wait till they go to bed and then go to bed and then go wear it till the nighttime pool or something.

The nighttime pool where you're a cabana boy will be there. And with this little stack of towels, he'll be all me. You should go read my resort. I'm not that I posted the other days.

Are you going to fuck your cabana boy? If he's cute. If he's cute. And really, you're going to make it happen.

Am I going to make it happen? Yeah, order me to make it happen. Yes. Go get some dick because you're kind of in a bitchy mood.

You know, be good for you. I will work on that. It'd be really good for you. I think it's awesome that you celebrate the fact that you worked on yourself.

And that gives you incremental body image that is obviously going to increase as you keep working on yourself. This is a whole other can of worms to open up as far as body image and whatever. And I think what is important to point out about your body image is that it came from concern and care for yourself. And then you achieved a goal and you were able to celebrate that goal.

And this gets into where I feel like daggers are going to be thrown and whatever. Because I'm fat. I'm overweight. And I have my body images and whatever.

And I celebrate the times when I'm working on myself. And I celebrate my body at that point. But I think culturally, we've gotten in this thing where a lot of people who are overweight are trying to validate their unhealthy choices by telling themselves that this is beautiful and this is attractive. And they're not being concerned about their health anymore.

And that's something that just goes up my fucking ass a mile. Because I made myself this fat. This was me. You see right there?

That's some donuts. And over here, that's like an extra five tacos when I could have had two. And I brought myself to this place. And when my doctors tell me that I have visceral fat that's crowding my organs and it's probably going to end up creating a lot of health problems, those are things that aren't attractive.

Because they came from a place of not caring for myself. So I think it's really important that when you guys do go on a walker, I do go to the gym a few times a week. And I look in the mirror and I see the improvements that I'm making, that it's important that I appreciate my body for what it is. And I don't beat myself up for the fact that I'm fat.

Because I made myself this way. But I never stop being concerned about my health. Because when you stop being concerned about your health, you have people that you care about die right in front of you. And in the past few years, I've had some people that were my best fucking friends in the world drop fucking dead because they didn't care for themselves.

I agree with you. I think there's a vast difference, even though it may not seem that way between I feel good about myself and I'm not going to get down myself because of the way I look right now versus, hey, I'm beautiful. I'm going to eat these dozen donuts. Because one is lying to yourself and one is being healthy, trying for some mental and emotional health.

But only you can determine that for yourself. So I totally understand what you're saying. Frankly, I agree. I agree.

As an artist, I have to back that up. And not only that, when you are feeling more comfortable and happy in your skin, you want to do better things for yourself. I mean, if you're depressed and unhappy, and if you were not happy, you would have sat on the couch, we would have just eaten, we would have played on the internet. We wouldn't have gone, hey, you know what?

Let's go for a walk. That's a great idea. I want to keep this going. Yeah, I like our walks too.

We talk about cool stuff. And we talk shit. We talk about that shit. Did I get included in the shit talking?

Oh, yeah. That's authentic hate now. Very good. I think it's good.

I'm also really happy that you were able to see yourself for something that is beautiful. Thank you. You need to be able to do that. Well, I mean, y'all are hot and you touch me.

So, poke. There's some tension yesterday. I know. Little sump comb.

Little orgasmic. That was it. She's like, what? You were there.

You were there. She was chopping meats. She was chopping meats during that. Well, very good.

What the fuck are we doing now? We go straight into this. The new one. The new jingle.

Oh, wait a minute. No, fuck up. You'll realize sex stories are much better than fantasy. The moody podcast, Let Capade.

I like it. I like it. It's very sassier. So, the idea behind Let Capade is that we'll tell stories about our exciting sexual lives.

And eventually, we'll have listeners to convince them. Well, listen, that'll be the next phase. So, today, we're going to tell our story so everyone kind of gets it. This kind of goes along the line.

There's a group called Body Storytelling, B-A-W-D-Y, and they get up and they have timed. It's very timed. And you get two and a half, three minutes, whatever, to tell a personal sexual story. And then they have a contest and it's really great.

I couldn't get a high try to get a hold of them to see. I'm having dinner with one of them tomorrow night. I'll talk to them about it. I'll let them know that they inspired our select-up page.

I will let her know. And that we're keeping that tradition going. So, what we're going to start doing is now our perverted podcast listeners can email us. Like you can make a YouTube video or a Vimeo video or something of you for two.

Are we doing two minutes or two minutes or 30 seconds? Two and a half. I totally didn't tell you. You get two and a half minutes exactly to tell your story.

And we'll give you a topic. We'll sit put it up on our FET Life page, our FET Life group, and on the pervertedpodcast.com website. And then you can just email us the link to that video. And then I can pull the audio from that and whatever the best stories are, we'll actually go ahead and play your story.

And so forth. And so every month we'll do a few. So, we're going to do today. And FIHAD a topic that we were all going to- The topic is your first official kink experience.

Not that like Asla if you got when you were a teenager, but like the first officially kinky experience. Okay, so Kathy, you got our timer. Yes, I got your timer. Ready to go.

Go on, go on, go on, go on, go first. I'll go first. I'll go first. Alright.

I'm going to hit the timer. And then we'll take it in. Your first official kink experience. First time I took my clothes off in a public place space.

I was really surprised at how easy and comfortable it was to do. It was with a woman who later became my girlfriend. She restrained my arms over my head. She began some sensation play.

I've always known how sensitive my skin is, so I thought this was going to be great. But even I was surprised with just how after a few minutes I was just dancing on my toes and smiling. And it felt absolutely amazing. When she noticed my reaction, she kind of smiled like had this inner voice like, oh yeah, we're going to have some fun with her because I was just hopping around.

Now I always enjoyed playing with light fear as well as enjoying the feeling of steel against my skin. But it had never occurred to me for some reason because this was one of my first experiences. That both of these desires could be used on me by someone else. So it came as a surprise to both of us that I responded so intensely when she came up behind me and took out a knife and started rubbing it along my skin.

And the two parts of me that loved it were worn with one another one that loved the feel of that feeling, which is one that I just wanted to get the hell away from that knife because it was so scary. At that moment I just let go of everything. I let go of the need to be concerned about what the other person was thinking. I didn't think of anybody but myself and how amazing it felt.

I leaned back against her and I felt the whole side of my back against hers. And I remember turning my head to the right to search for her. I don't know what I was looking for. And I know that a lot of stuff happened afterwards.

I don't remember what order they came in. I know that there was kissing and she pinched my nipples and it was amazing and it was all kinds of slutty, sexy fun. But that moment when I stopped worrying about anyone else and just felt those feelings coursing through my body, that's the moment I will remember for the rest of my life. Two seconds to spare.

Thank you. Do you know what was great about that? I know we got to all do ours. But it was great that you started really, you know, like, okay, I got to get through it and then all of a sudden you just opened up in that moment and that's the idea of telling your story is that we get to experience the perverted podcast listeners and us get to experience that experience that you had.

Whether it's, and some of them are funny and fucked up, mine's going to not be all normal. But you know, that's just part of being real. Sometimes it doesn't go well. I can't imagine.

All right. Next. Let's have a biz. Okay, I didn't write my name.

You were not really supposed to write them out. I didn't know. It's really supposed to be telling your story. I didn't write my name.

Ready? And go. So once upon a time a bitter girl walked into a dungeon and she was coming off of a divorce. And had trust issues and said, fuck it.

I'm going to go play and do some kink. So I sat through an orientation and heard lots of bad jokes. But I kept catching the eye of one of the guys giving it. So they said, hey, there's a party afterwards.

And I said, all right, well, I'll go. And I brought a friend with me. And so he said, hey, I have an electric play, you know, if I've ever done that before. And I said, no, that sounds like fun.

And of course I said, you didn't play with me, but you have to play as my friend first. You make a audition? I did. And also I made sure that when we went through, I watched him play with her and said, okay, I'm going to do that.

And then I took off my top and left my bottoms on. And he started running it up and down my skin while whispering dirty and inappropriate things in my ear. And I got very turned on and started getting squishy and suddenly feeling like I didn't want my friend in that room anymore. So I finished the scene with some biting and some pawing and wet panties and told him that maybe next time we can play, we can just play the two of us.

That person was boogie. Nice. Aw. That was an amazing night.

The fucking smile on his face like a telling that story was awesome. It was sexy. It was really sexy. And I didn't know that was her first official like placing or whatever.

Cool. That was very nice. And look, we've had a few since then. You took my placing virginity.

Oh, that dirty large cherry of yours. Now it's boogie's turn. My turn? Yes.

Okay, tell me when. All right. So my first placing, of course, as you know, everything I do has to be like bigger than life. So I wanted my first official placing to be amazing.

I decorated my apartment with candy. I spent 100 bucks on sheets and candles and whatever to have this woman come over and have this amazing incredible experience. And I was sure that I had my floggers and I had just all sorts of stuff. I had money at the time.

So I had lots of toys and I had my game plan. I even had fucking notes on the wall. Like first you're going to do some warm up and then start vlogging. And because I really just wanted to be amazing.

And so she comes over and I had this thing. She gets here and I go, I'm still getting ready because I'm not moving. And I make her sit in the hallway of my apartment building under the stairs. You can see through them and just hold it for me.

And so she's sitting there and I have signs on the wall like you will remain present with me. You know, like this whole fucking thing which sounds sort of sexy but now sounds kind of douchey. So she sat in red and my neighbor looks down and I was like, what the fuck are you doing? Like I'm like, she's abducted staring at the wall.

She'll be and she comes in and I start playing with her and I'm doing my things and neither of us had really, I mean, we negotiated and sat at dinner and whatever. And it just became very, you know, I was like, I was doing good. I'm doing fucking good and I'm slapping her back, right? I'm slapping, slapping her back and she's moving over the counter.

And all of a sudden, like I'm building some intensity, I'm like, fuck I rock. And I'm like, what, I'm like, and she just stands up and she goes, no, no, no, no, you're not doing it, no. And she fucking walks across the room and all of a sudden my fucking amazing first official scene is destroyed. And she didn't know how to say yellow or that hurts.

And she was having a difficulty in her chest and we had to renegotiate and come back down. And I had to handle it. It was my first experience where I had to bring someone down and then we started playing and I flogged her and she got spacey and it still wound up being okay. You know what, it doesn't always go great but it was still a great experience.

That is so good. I've been $100. Oh! Oh this seat though.

Alright, I'm gonna be a sad one. You know, I thought that was a great learning experience and you had connection. Yeah, yeah. And it brought you to the place you were now.

And I get really bad about telling you about my first experience. It was amazing, do it. I'm ready. I'll set the timer.

So like a fades a fee. Go. the internet because I was a chat geek so I'm head-on on IRC back in the day and he flew down from San Francisco to where I was going to college so we're talking 1996 here. I was in college he flew down he got a hotel room.

Mind you I don't know how I'm still alive but whatever he brought this big suitcase full not like a travel size not the overhead a big suitcase full of toys and what he did was he opened up the suitcase we had this long talk about safe words and safety and all of this other stuff you know the consent and all that and he pulled out each toy showed it to me explained to me what it was what it was called how it was used he would demo it on his own arm then he would demo it on my arm he would ask me how do you feel about this toy do you want to use it do you not want to use it are you not sure if you want to use it at one point one of the things he pulled out was a was like a rabbit fur glove and he he caressed my cheek with it and I kind of spaced out so then he took it off and he put it back in the suitcase and closed the suitcase and he says that's called subspace and you can't get consent when you're on subspace we're gonna wait till you come back and he waited until I came back the negotiation took about an hour between all of the discussions about safety and safe words and then all of the the the toy stuff that we went through and then we started talking about what I was comfortable with sexually and he said you know he said he's married but it's an open relationship his wife knows where he is and he has hurtful consent but I don't have to have sex with him if I don't want to now this man was not an attractive man basically and it was the first time that I'd ever been in an experience with someone like this and I was like wait I don't have to fuck you we can have this and I don't have to put your penis anywhere near my mouth this is awesome so yeah he was totally respectful of all the boundaries what I remember is that he he put a collar and a leash around my neck I remember that part I remember I crawled around on the floor I remember that I was restrained to the bed spread eagle and I felt exposed and restrained and it was awesome and and I never worried for a second about my safety that was my first experience I wish I remember his name or he was great he sent me birthday presents for like three years for three years I got birthday presents every year on my birthday he was a really great guy never saw him again man I didn't even fuck him I thought that story would have ended differently I thought that would have been just you getting your poon and her pound it it went well that is wonderful so that is our select Capade's segment once again if you have a story you have two and a half minutes to tell your story send it to pervertedpodcast.com at gmail or wait no I've read it podcast at gmail.com yeah that fucking a it's like I'm doing tech makers make it you can either do it if you want to send me an mp3 if you have you know if you actually have the ability to do that you can send an mp3 away file or just make a youtube video or a vimeo of you doing your thing and I can pull it off of that send me the link to that and we'll listen to those in next month we'll put them up say topic let's just yeah let's just make it first play let's just make it first first pinky play and I'd like for you people to make my panties wet come on the way bogey made them wet the first time you played yeah well now she's like whatever fuck up she's more interested in the desserts tonight that we're made by our lovely house guest yay we love our perfect our perfect we're ready to we are ready to just do the song we move through the show pretty quick today we're just doing it um this is a special song to me because uh because of my uh my body image I find the animal that I relate to the best based on my archetype and body look is yes the mighty and yet gentle beluga whale and this is a story about a specific beluga whale named pookey and we're gonna sing pookey the beluga whale you'll hear it right in the beginning the bottom of the glacier looks better from the top when you shit on those who love you he called his agent screaming like a diva why didn't you got me work I was america's fucking sweetheart the only giggy gut was a celebrity boxing contest he showed up really drunk and got his ass kicked by a walrus the bottom of the glacier looks better from the top when you shit on those who love you no one's sad with you pookey doesn't get it he's just an aging narcissist the poones used to love him now they pretend he doesn't exist pookey the beluga whale hit a new let the esgomos have sex with his blowhole esgomos amber grist ew the bottom of the glacier looks better from the top when you shit on those who love you we all get a thrill in you get a harpoon there anymore and find out about joining their kinky family thank you to all of our guests and host and stuff to feed this boogie me and our pervert yay if you have questions comments or ideas please email us at pervertedpodcast at gmail.com and visit us at pervertedpodcast.com or you suck and finally please consider becoming a monthly man bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam bam send money to fett life and then send money to us and then have giant fucking anal orgasms but don't look for fissures because those are really nasty and until then my kinky wonderful perverts we are out here where's that whale what