9- Truly Me (The Unfulfilled Caterpillar)

However, this isn’t a fairytale. There aren’t often, perhaps never, magic answers. Just because I’ve found this Private Eden…how do I know it’s real? Or that it will last? I don’t. Continuing the metaphor of that place being a physical place, as I’m standing on the shore, directly in front of me is a forest era. There are tall looming trees. Even though it’s still about an hour before sundown, once I step in that forest, I can’t see more than a couple feet in front of me. It’s dark and intimidating. I want to trust that this is my personal safe place, but trust can be hard, generally speaking. And while most of my life I’ve been pretty comfortable being trusting of people, trusting in ideas and other abstracts can be more difficult. Additionally, although I’m comfortable being myself, I’m not always happy with the result of how it makes me feel “too different” in the eyes of some. And honestly, that only really applies to one, yet still unknown, person who I would like to spend the rest of my life with. Essentially, my only doubt is worrying I’m so different that I’ll never find that person. This is the only song that really corresponds with the album artwork, and the song subtitle (“The Unfulfilled Caterpillar”) reflects that. This is arguably the “weirdest” song on the album, hence the main title, “Truly Me”. The song title isn’t a figure of speech at all. I originally wrote this verse to a loop of Babes In Toyland’s “Magik Flute”, but when i went back to record it, I couldn’t figure how the flow worked, so that led me to Woodcat. Woodcat was a 4-piece, Minneapolis-based band, and I was connected to one of the members of the band, Marea, who played Cello and shared vocals duties. I specifically remember seeing them live at 7th Street Entry and their show really impressed me. I am a legit FAN. Their sound was unique with a blend of drum machines, guitar, cello, and haunting melodies and singing, that had a folky feel. There are some really great songs on their album, including “Sithe”, “Dancin”, “Ulv” and “Witches”, the latter which is what I sample here. When I chose to sample this, I didn’t yet have the idea about it being a moment of me walking through a dark forest as the concept, but surely the music and the vocals are fitting for just that. LYRICS: One of the questions that I ponder in a darkened room ‘Does anxiety exist in a vacuum?’ Or is it interactions? Distorted passions? The absence of following the masses? Imagine independent thinking, everlasting Vs playing in the role that we were cast in And I’ve been blinded by the brilliance of a million feelings Simultaneously erupting, both with hurt and healing This is simply physics, life scientific’s Mixed with statistics, and the will to give it All I have, review the math, and check the variables But even when I’m sinking, clear thinking, in my periscope Still I speak in parables, to hide what is unbearable To share with you, so I find something to compare to But never dilute, I try to fully capture the magnitude Of the deepest secrets of my darkest moods So now I seek asylum from own problems Before I find myself living inside of one What was I hiding from? I let my best parts get overshadowed til I was numb Still I’m focused on the textures, and all the extras Driven by the cause, not consumed by what the effect is Let this be an update to my directives Fine tune my perspectives, get a little introspective See me for who I truly am, not just the sketches Come deep inside See how far the distance stretches The road to recovery, a way to rediscovery me And still haven't found ONE capable of loving me And how do I feel, well, between you and I Like A caterpillar, denied to be a butterfly