97: $40,000 TO MURDER A DISSIDENT IN WASHINGTON, SEVEN NONCITIZENS CHARGED WITH VOTING, AND MITCH McCONNELL RESPAWNED

Federal prosecutors charged five people in an alleged Russian intelligence operation that recruited a Brooklyn based Venezuelan man and offered him up to forty thousand dollars to murder a Russian dissident living near Washington DC. A veterinary technician named Baleigh Burmaster was stabbed at least seven times and zip tied inside a Texas Medical Center parking garage and she opened the passenger door with her toes and got out. Texas regulators disbanded the entire Trinidad Police Department after officers arrested a woman over a social media post complaining about contaminated city water. Alex Saab, described as Nicolas Maduro's money man, pleaded guilty in Miami, is cooperating with federal investigators and is forfeiting one hundred ninety five million dollars. Seven noncitizens were federally charged over alleged illegal voting in Texas. A Miami elementary teacher allegedly showed third and fourth grade girls explicit photos of himself. A home care worker was arrested after surveillance allegedly showed him giving his disabled client bleach to drink. Three Houston men were indicted for declaring themselves diplomats and sultans of the Moroccan Empire. Mitch McConnell has reappeared and it is time to talk about age limits and term limits like adults. And a king named Rehoboam listened to the wrong men and lost ten of twelve tribes in a single afternoon.