A Dilemma of Observer and Observed

March 15th, 2026. 2:40 at night.So I just came to an important conclusion.These diary entries are not to be recorded as if I’m speaking to all of you, because that changes my tone of voice. It changes how I reflect upon things. I notice it already: there’s this shift where I start trying to generalize, trying to be more accommodating, trying to speak to a larger audience.And that’s not what a diary is about.So I will do my best to rebalance this—to speak the way I would if these recordings were for me and myself only, as a true diary should be.Let’s see if I manage.But I will try my best to maintain that personal, intimate voice. And the best way to approach it, I think, is to instill this idea in myself when I wake up to record these messages: that they are just for me, and me only.Then only the next day do I think about whether to share them or not.That way I can hopefully preserve more of this genuine diary voice, because I don’t want to placate to the masses here. I don’t want to water something down or speak in a way where I’m consciously or unconsciously modulating how I convey my thoughts just because there might be someone on the other end.I want the closest thing to my own inner thoughts to come out in speech, and then on paper.So I will do my best, with every word that I’m speaking here in this format, to keep telling myself that I’m just talking to myself right now.It might sound insane, but it’s the most sane thing I can do.I’m just talking to myself right now.There is no one else in the room. It is the middle of the night. I’m trying to get back to that genuine inner voice that is not retelling anything to anyone else. It is simply trying to convey, as straight and directly as possible, what is happening inside my mindscape.And if I can keep doing this—if I can hypnotize myself into believing that this is not something I will be sharing with anyone else—I might be able to return to a more genuine state of mind.Although it will probably always be somewhat tainted.Because intentions are very important in this world.The Observer Changes the ObservedMy intention is split here.I want the intimacy of the unique conversation that can only happen between me, myself, and I. And I also want to be able to share that with my surroundings.So you end up with this dilemma of the observer and the observed.It’s analogous to the Schrödinger’s cat paradox, or more broadly to the problem that once you measure a thing, you alter the conditions of that thing. If you identify the position of a particle upon measuring it, that position will not remain the same.I’m able to obtain a certain mind state and convey my thoughts in my own head, even to myself. But as soon as I know there is an observer, that mind state begins to shift.So it is, in a way, a corrupting experience.But now that I’ve let the cat out of the bag, I suppose I need to explore this further down the road.Otherwise, none of this can be shared in the intimate way I would want it to be.The Problem of AddressThat, too, becomes a challenge.As soon as I think of an audience, I feel I need to refer to them in some way. But maybe I need to find a more passive way of doing that—something that does not engage them so directly, because the moment I do that, my mind is reminded that I am actively speaking to someone.The word “you” is quite inflammatory in that sense.It directly affects my psyche. The moment I use it, I begin to feel that I am addressing someone, and that changes the whole state in which I am speaking.So maybe I should use a more passive term. Something like my audience, or the people who might listen to this.But even that brings up the idea that I’m speaking to someone.So what term should I use to prime myself psychologically here?Maybe someone hearing this might come up with a good suggestion.Let’s see.So when I’m recording this, I’m just speaking to myself—and to the people who are not in the room.Might that be a good term?Because that creates some distance.“To anyone listening” is very much the wrong term, because it conveys to my mind that people are actively listening in the very same moment I’m speaking these words, and that does not prime me in the right way.“The listeners”—also wrong.“The listener”—also wrong.Yes. A tough nut to crack.Maybe I’ll leave it for another time.But if there is a good suggestion for how to approach this topic—the dilemma of the observer and the observed—then reach out.Namaste. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit victorsalander.substack.com