Actually, it's ok to do stuff.

After a couple requests in the subscriber chat for more on how to stop doing stuff, this is what came through. The paid version of this meditation starts with a short talk and is available here.My son asks me to play trains with him and I do, but I’m preoccupied with writing a mental grocery list, I’m glancing at my email, or I’m side-eyeing the crusty spaghetti under the dining room table. I find myself trying to accomplish something mentally all the time. In my defense, there is a lot of multitasking I have to do as a mom of two small children. But while I drown in a sea of trifling agenda items, I miss my life.To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber. Either way, I think you’re great.My practice involves asking myself this question a lot: What do I have to feel? In this case, what do I have to feel when I rresist the impulse to constantly do? Here are a few things I feel:* Fear and anger from feeling out of control: that I will get to the end of the day and my home and my mind will be chaos* Shame, because my sense of self worth is linked to my productivity* Churning and tension in my body that feels unbearable at first glance With all of this comes the belief that I have to get rid of these feelings in order to be ok, and the shortcut to getting rid of them is by doing a lot of stuff externally, not just sitting with my feelings.But the other question I ask myself a lot is how might this problem actually be useful for awakening? How might accomplishing things all the time actually be functional when it comes to the Dharma? Every energy, thought, mood, feeling, impulse— all of it could be folded into our awakening process, all of it has a place. In fact, a couple of the Buddhist Paramis, or ten perfections of the heart leading to awakening, are about industriousness and doing. Vīrya (energy); and Adhiṭṭhāna (resolve). And Kwan Yin, the goddess of compassion, is often portrayed with a thousand arms so she can do s**t, or half seated as if she’s about to get up and kick some ass (the ass of suffering, that is). The “doing” in this case becomes focusing more intently on the present moment, exploring this moment with curiosity, keep watching suffering as it tries to take over, how it hurts, how it is healed. Keep noticing what’s happening now, and now, and now. That churning in the body may seem unbearable at first glance, but the more I become present with it, the more I see that it’s not only bearable, it’s interesting. It’s always changing, it has a lot to say about what I’m feeling, needing, wanting. And it takes some amount of energy and determination to stay present in this way with something so challenging. The very energy that, until now, has been scattered in all directions as I tried to adjust what was outside of me to make what is inside of me feel better. When we channel that energy, that resolve, all that doing; into the present moment, it leads to awakening. It’s the most productive thing you can do.Thanks for your practice. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.If you’re not sick of me yet, here are a few upcoming events:Monday, November 17th in-person in Burlington, Vermont 7-8:30pm ETSunday, November 23rd online with Community Meditation Center of NYC 10:30-12pm ETMonday, November 24th online with the Durango Dharma Center 7:30-8:45pm ET This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe