Hello out there, and welcome to another episode of Movie Mastery, the show where we watch the movies that you tell us to. Yep, that's the only reason we'd ever watch them. Yeah, we've got a big old list of suggestions from you, the listener, and every week we go through and use a random number generator to figure out what we're going to watch, so we don't even get a say in what of the garbage that you have told us to watch that we watch. Plus, we have to go through every week and prune out Koyaanikatsi. Quit recommending it. We're not going to do that, ever. Also, don't recommend, you know, timeless classics to us. That's not really going to be a thing that happens.
What's the most timeless classic that we've had recommended to us? Do people want us to watch Miracle on 34th Street or something? What are we talking about? Yeah, I mean, I know there have been times where I've gone through the list because there'll be a lot where I'll just put stuff on there because someone has suggested it without looking it up. And then I'll go through the list after rolling it up and be like, what the fuck is this doing on here? No, I'm not going to watch Schindler's List. Get out of here. I know that people, there is a whole movement that constantly happens in our Discord of people who want us to see nice things as a treat. Yeah, they want us to have a good time as a treat. But here's the thing. I live in the filth.
I was bored in it. Molded by it. I didn't see a shower till I was a man. The first good movie I saw was Batman Begins. I hated it. Oh, good Lord. Actually, I didn't particularly care for it, but maybe Bane did. It was fine. It was the choreography that wasn't my thing. Everything else about it was fine. I mean, yes, it was very, I can't tell what's going on. They couldn't afford real choreography, so it was just a bunch of close-ups of hands. Yeah, it's just a lot of people moving real fast and lots of cuts. Arm, elbow, elbow, arm, dirt. He's like, I guess a fight happened. Other than that, it was fine. It was fine. It was all right. I mean, Batman Begins is one of those movies that upon repeat viewings, you're like, this does not get better. That's fair.
Anyway, I'm John. That's Jeff. We're the ones who review the movies. This week, rolled up Aladdin. And no, not the cartoon Aladdin. No, not the remake of the cartoon Aladdin that's a live action, but the other third Disney Aladdin movie. That's correct. Live action 1990s Aladdin. And this one hues much closer to the actual original folktale rather than the...
imaginings that they had later on. Basically, 1992's Aladdin kind of redefined it and now no one can think of it like the original version. It's kind of like if someone made A Little Mermaid now and it ended with Ariel killing herself and turning it into fucking sea foam. Yeah, that stuff is just gone. Disney redefined it. Oh, I remember as a kid at one point seeing some like, ah, and now The Tale of the Little Mermaid and that's how it ended. I went, what the shit did I just watch? So this is a lot closer but still very far. I mean, it's still...
We'll make you at the end go, what the fuck did I just watch? But what this really is, and I think this is probably more important than one of the important things to get across. This is one of those made for TV musical adaptations where it's got like four sets. Oh, yeah. It's basically like watching. You remember that Christopher Walken, Peter Pan from a couple of years ago? Oh, yeah. This is half dead the whole time. A thousand percent that. Yeah. It is barely more than an hour long. Yeah. And.
man, do they just like mug for time a lot with some of the songs in here. Yeah, there's a point where you're just like, get the fuck out of the Cave of Wonders already. This is the fifth Cave of Wonders song. I do not care. And they're like, yeah, but you got to understand, we've got nothing in the tank. That's all this is. Look, we just introduced Barry Bostwick and I'll be goddamned if we aren't going to shove him into every single possible scene. I was happy to see Richard Kiley as well. But yeah, Barry Bostwick is the genies in this, but that's part of how he was more traditionally. Yeah. So, you know, a lot of the stuff, like the whole three wishes thing.
Very much the Arabian setting as opposed to being set in China. Yeah, there's a lot of stuff from the cartoon Aladdin that is just like ingrained in people as like, obviously that's what it was. Yeah, Aladdin traditionally was set in China. And this one, boy, oh boy, does it ever adhere to that. Is it technically supposed to be in China? Yeah, you can tell because they cast a bunch of white people, not as Middle Easterners, but as Chinese people. Goddamn. So we're going to do a full spoiler breakdown. I will say as my spoiler free breakdown for this.
Boy, is this tedious to watch. It is definitely a queue it up and do something else while it's playing kind of thing. It has like 10 minutes of plot and 50 minutes of interminable nonsense songs that suck. And this is supposed to be based on like an actual stage production. And I'm like, fucking who saw that and went, ooh, that needs to go on television. Yeah, it's mostly just amazing for the rhymes they come up with and then just stick to them. Like there's a song in the middle of this that is just the same. Are you thinking of Tea Time? No, no, I'm not. Oh, I'm thinking of Tea Time. Is that the one that's a very excellent night in China? No, no, because that one comes up four times. Is Tea Time the one where it's just a mom?
No. Oh, I just remember which one it is. Tea time. Yeah. No, I was thinking of I'm a genie, not a meanie. Yeah. Which is, oh my God. I'm sure that when they got that, they're like, that's it. That's the fucking rhyme. Someone crumpled up paper and threw it in a wastebasket. It was like, swish. Genie rhymes with meanie. The movie's going to succeed. Which is great because God knows the rhymes for every other thing in this song is, what was the last thing we said? Say that again. Yeah. We do not have rhymes. We just repeat shit. Anyway, yeah, this sucks ass. So. Good Lord.
we are going to have a little musical break. Maybe I'll give you a little, a little taste of what's going on here. And then we will be right back with a monster. In-depth spoiler review of 1990s Aladdin. Welcome back. We are all ready now to talk to you about 1990s Aladdin. And I'm going to tell you.
for some of the movies we do, not all of them, but for, you know, some of them, I will take notes because a lot of times, especially if it's a little more confusing or weird, I'm like, I want to be able to know the order of when things happened and, you know, not forget some of the weirder things that happen. Yeah. All I have in here that I wrote down was the list of songs in Aladdin in the order in which they came up as I was watching it. I do not know what the actual names of the songs are. I just wrote down what I assumed they should be.
Yeah, they are so bad, and so many of them are repeated so often. But yeah, this is rough. Plus, I don't know if the version of it you watched was the same as mine, where it opened with like seven minutes of clips from the movie as well. Oh yeah, it basically opened with a full preview for the movie, and I'm like, all right, Skip, not watching it, I don't care, I'm gonna watch the actual movie. I watched it for almost three minutes, and I was like, wow, this is a fucking rushed production, and it seems to be going through most of the story. I wonder if this is gonna be some like after Aladdin thing. Well, they're just jumping right to the sequel, and then I was like, oh no, wait, that can't be right, these are clips. Yeah. No, I had the same, after it jumped like plot points twice, I went...
Oh, wait a minute. This isn't anything. I just hover over the bar and go, ah, yes, I should be skipping to about eight minutes in. Here we go. I thought the cold open and the random time skips was just the signature of our featured director of the week, only surviving monkey Mickey Dolenz. Mickey Dolenz giving it up for everyone here at the Disney Corporation. Apparently this motherfucker was like, yeah, sure, I'll bring Aladdin, the stage musical, to life. Who else could do it but Mickey Dolenz, the man who would go on 20 years later to sue the FBI.
Yeah, he went all alt-right. I think before alt-right was alt-right. He went all tea party. Aw, my Mickey condolence. Yeah. So he's just a shitty little man. I was not super familiar with the Monkees, like in particular. He's just a man I ever resonated with and didn't watch the show. Dude, I fucking loved the Monkees. I'm sure. I'm not going to get on you about that. That's not what this is about. Some of their songs are fantastic. But my first introduction to any of them was like watching abstinence videos and shit in school in the 90s because they always used Mickey Dolenz as one of the celebrities. Weird. He was always 100% on board to be like...
Never drink. You never want to drink. Drinking is absolutely the worst thing you can do. And of course, don't have sex. I've never had sex. And look at me. I'm Mickey Dolenz. I'm a monkey. So that's to me. I was like, wait, that guy was in the fucking monkeys at some point. Yeah. So there you go. And also we made this, which, boy, if there was any other reason, he needed to be ashamed of himself. Man, all of that goodwill from the monkeys just absolutely spoiled. At least the rest of them had a good sense to die.
Oh, good Lord. So this movie, as we had mentioned before, takes place in China. You can tell because the movie constantly does the da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da sting. I love that there's actually no specific origin for that. Yeah. No one's ever known exactly why that's the sting that means Asia or where it came from in the first place. It's just a weird mystery. Yeah. Just for some reason, that is the shorthand for Welcome to China. Yeah. And it definitely factors heavily into the opening song, which is just Aladdin wandering around singing about how he's an indolent layabout who only likes flying his kite. Yeah. So first song I have down here is Let's Go Fly a Kite.
And I appreciate that Aladdin, as a character, is self-aware enough to go like, I don't give a fuck about work or doing anything useful. I'm a piece of shit and I love it. That's what this opening song is. Also, the kid playing Aladdin is just, this is like probably his only credit as far as I'm aware. It is indeed the one and only credit for Aladdin in this. Our good friend here, what is his name? Brent Suddath. Yes, Brent Suddath, never seen again. You can tell the director of the film right away because this dude's got that shag 60s haircut where it looks like he used just like a really tall-sided bowl to decide how to cut his hair.
You're just like, why does he have that? It's 1990. That haircut wasn't popular. That should be parted down the middle. Yeah, and Mickey Dolenz was like, because he looks like a fucking member of the Monkees, that's why. The only respectable thing you can be in this world is a monkey or the Attorney General of the United States, if he's a Republican. Ugh.
So yeah, we get our opening song of I'm Gonna Fly a Kite, which of course leads Aladdin into our first plot point where, oops, my kite went into the Imperial Palace. Which is just this little house nearby, it turns out. It's not on private ground or anything. They've got a wall. He has to scale a fucking wall to get in there. I feel like he should have had to scale a wall to get into the grounds and then have to scale several more walls to get into the part where anyone actually lives. I mean, yes. The fact that the Emperor's daughter Mei Ling is just sort of chilling on the back lot of this fucking...
Imperial Palace. Yeah, the Imperial Palace, which appears to be a modest three-bedroom that just happens to have a high wall. Yeah. Well, I mean, they've only got it around the backyard just to keep, you know, snoopy neighbors and dogs out. They want to be able to sunbathe in private, you know? Yeah. Both Mayling and her dad, who was played by one of those types who was exactly like Paul Servino, but is not Paul Servino. Yeah, dude. I.M. Hobson is, he's one of those people that I went to go look up his IMDB career because I was like, I know I've seen this motherfucker and stuff. Like, nope, you've seen Paul Servino and things.
No, this guy is very much a, no one knows him, but he's in the background of a shitload of stuff because he's just like, hey, I'm kind of fat and goofy. Yeah, I'm perfectly willing to play police chiefs. He's just that, you know? The kind of guy who stands behind a desk in a movie and like issues people guns. But here's the emperor of all China. Now, please note, no one in this entire production is anything but white. No, there's no, Barry Bostwick is wearing a surprising amount of bronzer, but I don't know that that necessarily changes him out from being white. God, yeah.
But they definitely do put the actor playing Mei Ling into an attempt at an Asian-style haircut. Yeah. None of the dudes. I assume that they tried. They were like, do you guys want a Chinese haircut from the Aladdin period? And everyone was like, no. No, I'm good. I will say this. As much as they were like, all right, we're going to put up some random fucking Asian stuff. It doesn't matter if it's technically like Thai decorations, whatever. Who gives a shit? But like, all right, we'll put you in like some kimonos or whatever. I don't give a fuck. I don't care. It's all Asia. Look, I've got costumes left over from my kids' high school production of The King and I, and you can have them.
And that is the level that we are working with here. And I will say the one saving grace of this movie is for as much as they do all of that, no one does an offensive Chinese voice. That's true. It's mostly just music stings that come off as offensive. Yeah, there's no one who's like, ah, yes, I'm going to try and do some like breakfast at Tiffany's level offensive shit. Yeah, no one is doing that at all. So that's nice. Yeah, I kept expecting it. I'm like, when's it going to happen? Someone's going to do it. Yeah, you keep waiting for the one person to be like, I'm going to bring a little something different to my performance. I'm bringing the zhuzh. I've only got one scene, so I got to spice that bad boy up.
There's at least one voice that is truly off-putting. But other than that, everyone is not doing any accent at all. Yeah. So Aladdin goes into the backyard of the Imperial Palace and finds Mei Ling, Princess of China, hanging out with her attendants. And before he gets there, she's like, boy, I sure do wish I could get dicked down. And then Aladdin comes along and she's like...
I am instantly in love with you. Oh, yeah. For real. They have one song where they walk each other around the backyard, and then he's just like, if I was rich, would you marry me? And she's like, duh, obviously. You're the first man I've ever seen. Clearly, the only other men that I know are guards and my dad. Although I do need to mention that the song that they walk around is, I have noted here, hey, this is definitely China. Yes. I think it's the first appearance of the It's a Lovely Day in China. Well, yeah, because we have...
a couple appearances and each one, this one is, it's a lovely day in China. Then we get, it's a lovely evening in China. But it was a song that I was like, oh, you need to really drive home in case everyone's confused. Like, hey, this is a lovely day in China. We're in China right now. I know you're looking around and going, really? Because this looks like Wisconsin. It is not. China. Okay, baseline. Yeah, just want to make sure that there are no mistakes made at any point.
But yeah, she just falls in love with him instantly because, yeah, she literally was just talking to her attendants like, I swear to God, I am going to hand it all over immediately to the first man I ever... There's one. That's a guy. And then her dad comes out. He's like, I swear I heard the voice of a boy. While Aladdin is like hiding underneath a blanket or something. Oh, yeah. And then, of course, Mayling's just like, oh, no, father. My attendants and I sometimes pretend that...
Maybe I would get Dick down at some point. And he's like, oh, I've been too strict. I'm going to marry you off to the richest person in the land. And of course, the richest person in the land has to give me a fabulous gift as well. Yeah. Just setting the terms for Aladdin hiding under the blanket. If anyone was listening, here's what you would need to do to marry my daughter. One, be the richest man in China. Two, get me a rad gift. You may want to write this down, hypothetical hiding husband-to-be.
I love that we never get, because we do get at some point be like, hey, I found the richest guy in China. You're going to get married to this old guy thing. Yeah. We never meet him, but we also never find out what his gift was and if that would have made a difference. Yeah. Because like, if the second richest guy showed up and was like, here's a fucking rad gift, would he go, all right, we'll go with you. This is $196 of Hickory Farms amazement. Baby, you got mustards? Plural. Okay. I'm going to tell you right now, there's a summer sausage. There's a spring sausage. There's a winter fucking sausage in this container.
looks around, a forbidden autumn sausage. Don't dare to dream. I also like how Mei Ling is pretty much, the movie doesn't have time to mess around. It's only an hour long. So Mei Ling doesn't have time to be nuanced. So she's just, he's like, I'm going to bury you off to the richest man in the land. And she's like, oh, all rich men are going to be ugly and gross and unattractive. And I don't want that. Yeah. That's her only thing. Yeah. It's like not, oh, I want to marry for love or I want to be married on my own terms when I want to. It's, oh, but he's going to be all gross.
I don't want to get dicked down by some gross dude. It's totally fair, but he just laughs her off immediately. I don't care. Whoever gave a shit about that. Only women, I bet. Oh, women. Anyway, goodbye. And also a theoretical goodbye to anyone that may be hiding about the grounds. I love that also he goes to leave and like his appearance and leaving is marked by a bunch of gongs going off. Yes. And it really just felt like.
He has gong footsteps. Like he's got gong sneakers. Or everyone just hated his performance and the gong show just rejected him. Get out. I enjoy that as he is leaving, the guards are still on the way out and Aladdin just pops up. He's like, hey, what up? I'm not waiting. The thing about Aladdin that we have to mention is that other than falling immediately in love with the princess, he spends most of the movie as a petulant little douchebag. So here's the thing you gotta know. Yeah. Aladdin sucks. Yeah. He like, there's a point where they just give him a random moment of unbelievable generosity.
Where he's like, I had the genie give me a million, billion dollars. And I'd like him to give a lot of that to the poor. And there's no reason for it. It's just that you don't think he sucks. But when he comes out from under the blanket, he's like, well, fuck all this then. I can't marry you because I'm not rich enough. I don't like this anymore. Unless were I to be rich, you would marry me then. And I wanted to be like, we've never just, I don't even know what your fucking name is. Just straight up is like, hey, I know I met you two minutes ago. The only conversation we had was, isn't the weather nice? And then I hid under a table. But, uh.
If I was rich, would you marry me? And she's like, fuck yeah, I would. But I just love that he comes out mad. Like, he comes out from under the blanket like, God damn it! That's not fair! My plan! My two-minute-long plan! Instead of being like, wow, I guess you're like a princess, huh? Oh, that's weird. You know, my teenage boner has been crushed, but, you know, you gotta do what you gotta do, I guess. But then he just goes home and he's like, I will become... Well, no. Of course. Next we have the next song in my list, which is I'm the Exposition Wizard. Yes. The introduction...
He's just the sorcerer in this. He doesn't get a name. So I'm just gonna call him Jafart. And Jafart comes out and he's just singing the song. He's like, I'm the greatest sorcerer in the land. Yes, I am. And I am the best at wizard stuff too. And also there's a cave and I need a guy to show up. And when I meet him, he's going to come with me. We're going to go get some magic stuff. And I'm like, all right, good job, exposition wizard. I really needed an explanation for why. Because there's a point where he just goes, and I need a young man. And I was like, okay, that's not, I mean, I mean, I get it. I get it, dude. But like, hey man, but like Grindr. Yes, go on Grindr.
Set yourself up as a daddy type. There's dudes into silver foxes. You'll get there, buddy. I mean, we get a very brief, like, five seconds at the beginning of this production where the sorcerer looks up into the sky. That bit where he spins. And sees a screensaver from 1990 turn into the face of Aladdin. Yeah. And then he's like, ah, that's the guy I need. And then just spins off into the distance. Yeah.
Yeah, it's so fun to watch him be like, and I shall spin with the stars. And he just holds up like a staff and spins in circles. And they cut a bunch of frames out to make it all choppy looking. And then he's like, and also invoke the Zodiacs. And he starts whacking the ground while moving around in the circle. But then he finally goes, I need a young boy. And I really wanted an explanation for why. Like, is it a prophecy that only a young boy can enter the cave? Yeah, because we don't have any sort of like, oh, there's a thing that like, I know that only.
a specific person can open the cave or can be allowed in the cave or whatever. Like that's very explicitly said in the cartoon version. Whereas in this, he's just like, I need some kid to do my business for me. It's very fun. By the way, this is actor Richard Kiley, who I know I've seen in a million things, but the first thing I recognized him for was because he's the voice of the tour in Jurassic Park. Oh, and here's the other thing. Mei Ling, the voice of Megara from Hercules. Oh, good. That's cool. Yeah. But yeah, he's the voice. And the reason I knew he was the voice of the tour guide in Jurassic Park is because they actually call it out. There's that part where Hammond goes, that's Richard Kiley. We spared no expense.
You spared some expense on that one. No, that dude's got a massive career. He's like 40 scrolls on IMDb. Yeah, man, I got a pretty massive career for you. Careers are not dumps that destroy my house toilet. Oh, never mind then. Now, at this point, he, of course, finishes his I'm the best wizard ever song, and here's all the plans that I have, and then sees Aladdin. He's like, all right, I'm going to stop time, and then, like, wizard Aladdin over to me.
And then without restarting time, he's like, hey, Aladdin, I'm related to you? And Aladdin's like, oh, what a shame my dad died. He's like, oh, your dad's dead. I was his brother. Yeah, so Aladdin's like, well, he's made mention of a brother, but he died a number of years ago. I'm a brother he didn't mention. No, I was just in exile in Arabia, but I'm back now. And oh, oh, would but that I could see my brother again. But I recognize you immediately for you're the very image of him. Now, where is his goodly wife for I wish to pay my respects? Here.
pittance of gold coins for you to take to your mother and introduce me. And of course, you know, they show up at his house and he's like, hey mom, this is my uncle. And she's like, what? He came with money. Yes. He's your uncle, all right. Yep, that's definitely your old uncle has a dollars. So this wizard dude is just like, yes, I will never introduce myself. I'm your husband's brother, I am. That's me. Made in Arabia, I have.
Tell me about your son. And then she launches into her song for the movie where she just berates Aladdin for kind of sucking. Yeah, I have next song is Aladdin sucks parentheses. The Jewish mother's lament. I would have called it Aladdin sucks parentheses. Aladdin, Aladdin, Aladdin. I mean, the whole thing is like, oh, Aladdin.
I love him even though he doesn't work. He makes me do all of the chores. He must really think I love working because he certainly makes me do that all the time. He never calls the rights. It's just this long complaint and the sorcerer just sits there ignoring it through some tea that he has. He doesn't give a shit. His attempt to cement his position into this is just like, please, I would like to see where my brother sat when he ate his tea or his meals. And she's like, um...
I guess there-ish. Oh, the thing I wish to see. Oh, distractions, distractions. Anyway, it sounds like you're a disreputable piece of shit, Aladdin. And Aladdin's like, yes, but I have changed for I have a new plan to become the richest man in China. Oh, well, it just so happens I know how you can do that. I'll be back at midnight in order to take you with me on a journey where you will become wealthy beyond imagining. And he's like, oh, sweet, sweet. That sounds great. Even he's kind of like, I don't know if that's a great idea. His mom's like, you're doing it. Get the fuck out of my house.
You are 27 years old and your ambitions in life are still to fly a kite. What the fuck is wrong with you, Aladdin? Get a grown-up haircut. I swear to God. You're big enough now that I have to use the popcorn bowl.
So yes, sorcerer fucks off. And then we get our next song that I just have labeled late night drug trip. Oh, right. Where it's midnight and the sorcerer wakes him up, not by, you know, coming by the house and being like, all right, it's midnight. And like I said, we're going on an adventure. You got a water bottle and some sturdy shoes, mister. Instead, a visage of the sorcerer hovers above him and like translucently calls to him.
into the ether and is like, oh, Aladdin, oh, spooky nonsense. Yes, he spooks Aladdin into coming out to the middle of the desert, or their middle of the desert set, at least, which appears to be a sandbox with a toy boulder in it. Absolutely love the entrance to the Cave of Wonders here. Yes. Man, that 1992 Aladdin was really firing on all cylinders, wasn't it? Remember, it was like a giant tiger head and it was all blue. It looked like it was made of obsidian out in the middle of the desert. And then it opens and the orange super glow light comes out like it's breathing laser fire. But here it's more like a big rock and then the big rock kind of gets shoved out of the way. Yeah, because in order to get in there, of course, the sorcerer's like, all right, I need you to basically just go open Sesame and knock on this fucking rock three times. And if you do that, then it'll open. And then you can go down there and go get me some shit. Mm-hmm.
And he's like, that sounds ridiculous. And I'm already very hesitant about all of this because everything you're doing is immensely sketchy. I mean, especially because he's like, I had a weird drug trip and then suddenly found myself in the desert. That's weird. So indeed he does. He's like, ancient door of wonders. I command thee thrice to open. When I knock, knock, knock. And then it slides out of the way. And down he goes into a $3 cave set. Baby.
Love it. Love that cave set. They have one cave set, and they have technically three different parts of the cave that they will go to. And you're like, oh, look, you've moved this rock from here to there. That's how I know it's a different part of the cave. Yeah, they have entrance, they have hallway, and they have dark part. Those are the three parts of the cave. I enjoy the part of the cave where it is some little banners hanging and a floating skeleton. Yes.
So unlike it being full of wonders, which is what you normally would expect from the Cave of Wonders, it just has the lamp. I mean, it's got a little alcove with some treasure in it. He's like, ah, a couple of like urns full of jewels or whatever, but don't touch it because you'll die. And also don't touch those flags near the skeleton. You'll die. But you can touch the skeleton. That's cool. Skeleton's fine. Just touch him if you want. Yeah, touch me. Yeah, do it. I'm into it. Feel my bones. Pervert skeleton down here.
I'm not a pervert. I'm just starved for human touch. And a pervert. It's a need for a lot of people. It's a need. A perverted need. Well, I need it in a very perverted way. You can't touch me without insulting me first. Yes, he finds the lamp down there. And just a little dumpy lamp. Of course, it's supposed to be. Yeah. It's an unassuming lamp. An oil lamp for the ages. Indeed. But we don't get the rubbing yet. First, he tries to get it back where he's supposed to. Yeah. Now.
The scene again from the cartoon where it's like, you know, I'll pull you up if you throw me the lamp thing. Yes. Makes some amount of sense at least. Yeah. Yeah. But here it looks, they have like three minutes of conversation. Yeah. Where he's like, he's like, help me up. You could clearly get, you're on a ladder and the ladder goes all the way. Just keep going, dude. You went halfway up the ladder and then I guess you forgot that ladder. Yeah. It's basically like this guy is blocking his path from getting out of the cave. Yeah. I'd be like, nah, dude, give me the fucking lamp. And I'm like, wait until he gets out, my man. He has not at all thought, ah, there's something special about this. Just be like.
All right, here, let me help you up. I don't need to take it from you right now. Yeah, but he has a little spasm of evil, does our Jafar. And he's just like, no, you must give me the lamp. Oh, we should also mention he has a magical iPad that can watch wherever Aladdin is. Well, he does that a lot. A lot of this movie is cutting back to him looking at his magic iPad. Yeah, it is a lot of that. But he will, Aladdin is confused. He's like, why won't you help me? I don't understand what's going on. Come on, uncle. And so he's kind of like, what?
It's funny because it basically is Jafar shooting himself in the foot by being like, hey, give me the lamp at all costs and I won't help you until you give me the lamp. And Aladdin being too dumb to even get that concept, he's like, what? What are you talking about? Just help me out. Yeah, he's just like standing on the ladder going, wait a minute, but why? What does the lamp matter? And so they just have a fucking conversation at the exit of this cave, which is just a hole in the ground with a ladder that goes down. And that means that the timer runs out and the fucking boulder closes back over it. Instead of him just going like, hey, good job and helping him up, he fucks himself. Yeah, and then he like, as the door closes on Aladdin, he's just like, fine, stay in there and die, fool boy.
who is not my nephew, actually, and I'm a bad guy. And Aladdin, to the immense credit of how dumb he is, is just down in the hole clearly hearing that and being like, Uncle, help me up. Oh, that was weird, Uncle. Why'd you do that? What happened, Uncle? Uncle, get help. And then he rubs the lamp. Fuck it. Yeah. So this is going to kick off.
Fucking. Four songs. Four goddamn songs in here. Yeah. The first one is I'm Free, which is Barry's Drunken Revelry, where it's just Barry Bostwick stumbling around being like, hey, I'm goofy. I'm a goofy, goofy genie. My back hurt from all that time. I've been there a thousand years or more. Oh, scoobity-doo, boop-a-doo. I'm a genie. It is very nice to see Barry Bostwick up and bouncing around and singing. I mean, I'm always happy to see this man. Maybe not in this much bronzer. God.
The problem I have is I'm like, but these songs are terrible. Yes, the songs are atrocious. Like, just the goddamn worst. And so when he shows up, I was like, oh, finally, this will get some amount of talent into it. And it didn't matter because it was just the worst songs ever. Like, this had awful songs and will continue, but his songs are, like, purposefully annoying? Yes. Because the genie is supposed to be kind of a goof? Yeah, he's a little bit clownish. It's important that they do that because this is, again, he was much more of a traditional story. So there are two genies, and so he needs a way to play off the other genie. So he's the clowny, goofy genie. Which is weird, given that...
In the traditional story, it's two genies, but the one of the lamp is a greater genie and the one of the ring is a lesser genie. And so it's like, oh, the lesser genie is like, oh, I can't do anything about whatever that guy did. So you'd think it would be the other way around. It's like, I'm the great genie. But no, he's instead. We go directly to the next song. I'm a good genie, parentheses, not a meanie. Oh, that song's rough. So first of all, whenever Barry Bostwick is singing or dancing in this movie, you can just picture every stereotype racist thing that you've ever seen like a cartoon belly dancer do as a move, and he's doing all of them constantly. Is he putting his hands together in a prayer posture over his head and then chickening his neck back and forth? Of course he is. Of course. Is he walking like an Egyptian? Of course he is.
Does every move he does sound like it should have that da-na-na-na-na song behind it? Of course it does. Everything about this is the worst. Uh-huh. I'm a good genie, not a meanie. It's hard to get across just how long this section is. This is only an hour movie, and a full 20 minutes of it is just this Barry Boswick showcase in a cave. Yeah, it's interesting, because you were like, all right, well, I understand. You know, you actually paid to have Barry Boswick here, and he's going to do some stuff, but...
They have like no intermission. The I'm free goes right into the I'm a good genie with like five seconds in the middle of just being like, oh, hey, I know you just had a whole song about being free. What's your deal? Who are you? Oh, I'm a genie. Let me give you that song. Yeah. Yeah. And then like another song about and what can you do? Oh, well, I can do so much stuff. You know, you'd really wish this had a friend like me in it. It doesn't. Instead, I present to you Fatima, the dancing doll. Yeah, because there's a part where he's like.
He's like, well, if you can grant wishes, as you say, then I wish to be home immediately and free from this cave. But before I go, he says, I guess because he's just not very free. He's like, oh, hang on, hang on. Can you make me real, real rich? And he's like, yeah, sure. Now, can you get me a really super neat gift for the Sultan? This leads to Barry Boswick being like, like, hmm, I must think. Now you do it with me. Both of us. I have it. Fatima, the dancing doll. So we get, instead of a song break, Fatima, the dancing doll, which is just.
They got some lady who could kind of dance and went, all right, sure, great. Here's Fatima, the dancing doll. Yeah. This is big. The Sephora Savings Event is back. And now through November 9th, everything's on sale. Everything you really want. Like One Size, Patrick Ta, Karastas, Kayali, Laneige, and yeah, you're going to need a bigger bag. Shop at Sephora. Limitations apply. Must be a beauty insider. See terms at sephora.ca for complete details.
So when I mentioned earlier that one voice in the movie is extraordinarily off-putting, it is that of the woman playing Fatima, the dancing doll, because they're dubbing her with a mechanical voice, even though she's just obviously a human lady. Yeah, and there was no attempt to be like, oh, we'll put some silver paint on her. Yeah, I was putting lines, you know, like to put the Pinocchio jawline in there. Exactly. There was no makeup to be like, oh, we're going to put the lines that will make it look like you've got little doll joints. We didn't try and make you have metallic skin. We did not do...
fucking anything. We didn't glue a gear to you and be like, yeah, sure, you're fucking... We didn't write robot on your forehead so everyone understood what this was. You don't even begin to obey the three laws of robotics at any point throughout this. But what she does do is open her mouth and out comes, I am dancing doll of fame and Fatima is my name. Which sounds horrible and also is a bullshit couplet. I'm just gonna say. You couldn't rhyme something with Fatima? I am dancing doll of fame? Try harder, Mickey. No.
Or is it actually in the original thing? No, this entire fucking movie doesn't try hard at anything. Why would you think the one rhyming couplet for this would try hard? At least it wasn't rhyming one word with that same word. Or genie, not meanie. Yeah. Ugh. But yeah, I just hated it. That's all. I'm just saying I hated I Am Dancing Doll of Fame. Because it sounds racist. It's the one thing in the movie outside of just all these white people playing Chinese people. When you cut out enough of the words so it comes out as I Am Dancing Doll of Fame, you're like, ooh.
Oh, that's bad. No, put in some more words. Nah. I mean, for me, it was just, I'm the dancing doll. That would have fixed it for me. For me, it was just, oh, you're trying real hard to find a rhyme to go along with this. Yeah, like, sometimes it rhymes with Fatima. It's not gonna be that bad. Eh, way harder than they are willing to try. I'm the dancing doll Fatima. Pleasing the Emperor is my dreamer. Yeah, that, see? Hard. Yeah, that's what, but I did that in like a second. All I'm saying is you. Yeah, well, so did the rest of this movie. We could have made this movie. And God, I'm glad we didn't. Because it would have been an 80s boob comedy.
I mean, the other problem with the whole Fatima thing is we get two Fatima dance numbers in this. Yes. And she also doesn't do any sort of like robotic dance stuff. So even in the dance she does, it's not like, oh, she has like a herky motion to the thing she's doing. And so it's just, all right. And then a lady comes out and dances regular styles and then goes, anyway, I'm a robot. She does an amazing dance. If she was to pull like belly dance out of a dare hat in like a Michigan bachelorette party.
Because, again, she just does all the things you think of if you don't know what belly dancing is, but has a vague idea based on watching Looney Tunes. Yeah. I just love that since she's not robotic in the slightest and she just does a regular belly dance, I just like picturing Aladdin presenting her to the Emperor and having him be like, I have lots of belly dancers. I'm the Emperor of China. Why are you giving me this regular-ass shitty dancing girl? And he's like, no, she's a robot. At least give me a robot of some kind. That would be cool. No, no, she's definitely a robot. For sure. Now, dance for her robot, and it just goes burp, burp. And then he gets thrown out, and then the Michigan J-Frog cartoon finishes in its entirety.
And the, I mean, I know, God, we have spent a lot of time on this Fatima dancing doll. But the other thing is we've already spent two full interminable songs in the cave with Barry. And then he's just like, and now a dance number with no song lyrics. You're just going to watch a very shitty dance number that goes on too long. You're like, God, I was already bored. And now we're just sitting here mugging for time. God damn it. Yeah. And so.
So that happens, and then we get our fourth song in the cave, which I believe is the song... It's just I Can Fly. It's the I Can Fly song. This movie doesn't have flying carpet money, so instead they fly on sprinkles. Yeah. The very worst CGI that 1990 can give you. Yes, yeah. It's kind of the money for nothing video of Aladdin's. God, there is several CGI things in here, and all of them are like...
Screensaver level. The highlight of this whole movie is the part where Barry Bostwick is commanded to build a palace and he goes and stands in front of a screensaver of an Arabian building being constructed. Yes. He's just standing on nothing. We'll get to it. We'll get to it. Okay, fine. I can fly again way too long is this song. Because again, you're like, all right, you can fly and I can fly because now you see that I can fly. I'm like, God damn it. Just give me any amount of lyrics, anything at all. I can taste the open wind for I am a magic gin. That's just that kind of stuff. That'd be great.
But no. Oh, that wasn't actually in there? See, I told you I should have written this movie. You should have. This should have been me. And they, for some reason, we get the genie of the ring later on, but when he's like, yeah, take me home, he's like, all right, well, instead of just teleporting us there, I'll fart around on green sprinkles for a while. Note that he can just teleport people places. He does it a lot. But he doesn't. He's like, I want you to take me home immediately. Immediately, you say. Farty sprinkles it is. What if I took you there at Crosstown Bus Speeds?
What if I had you get on a squatty potty and we just fart our way there? Feel free to evacuate. God. You have in-flight bathrooms. They're just called the sky. Yeah, the two of them squat one out and then side by side fly off on green sprinkles. It's just the worst. It also does feature a sequence of the sorcerer or whatever watching them on his magic iPad and be like, so he made it out, did he? I'll have to fool the lamp away from him. This should prove no challenge. He's a dumbass. I'm like, well, yes, true. He's a petulant, shitty little dumbass. But anyway, the next scene is literally just him being like, and I will marry the princess as he shows up to.
Basically, we get one quick interstitial scene of the emperor talking to Mei Ling and he's like, here is a painting of the man you will marry because he is the richest man. And she looks and she's like, it is as I have feared. He is very unattractive. What an old dumpy fart. And he's like, I don't care. He's so rich. How dare you say he's unattractive. He's at least as attractive as Paul Sorvino. Who I am not.
So she's just like, oh, man, this is terrible. I'm never going to get that good D. We cut over to Aladdin's mom, who is now in finery, and her neighbor comes over, which we have seen, and the neighbor's just like, hey, turns out Aladdin's super rich now, huh? She's like, yeah, weird, right? He's not a piece of shit anymore. He's got money. I like him now. Now he's a good son. Now we're going to go over to the emperor's house because he lives like two houses down. Yeah, we're going to go walk over to the emperor's house. He's our, like, on-the-street neighbor. Yeah, he's in the same HOA as us.
That's probably why he put that big wall up, so he would have to repaint his back accent walls. Yeah, he's doing a lot of stuff that would get him in trouble with the HOA back there. That's why he's got the high walls. So we're just going to walk over to his house. And yeah, they do. And there's like this dude who's like the toady who's like his number one guy. Yeah, there's a weird major domo in here that only shows up now. Yes. And he has one line in one ensemble song and that's the only singing he does. It's weird. Yeah, I mean, he's mostly just here to be like, all right, well, here's this guy. He says he's rich. Yeah, there's a point where he's just like, okay, well, your honor, we've sealed the deal. This guy's going to marry your daughter and everything. But there's like a random kid out there who says he's actually the richest man and he wants to talk to you. And like the emperor's like, ah, that sounds like work. Bullshit. Hate it.
rich enough. We're fine. He's like, sorry, you really ought to consider this. This kid probably has a, might have a lot of, a lot of money. And he's like, well, I do only care about that and nothing else, including my daughter. Yeah. Send him in. And so Aladdin comes in. We get a neat bit of traditional Chinese, uh, like choreography where they don't look directly at him. Like him and his mom sit facing each other and away from the emperor to begin the address. Yeah. But then when he's like, wait, you say you have a lot of money. They just both stand up and look right at him. Like, yeah, buddy, of course we do. Now that you've acknowledged that we're rich. Yeah. Yeah. Prove it. And he just has a big couple of urns of jewels brought in. Yeah. And of course, I guess that's how you prove wealth before like.
bank statements existed. Exactly. You just have urns carried around. Because he's like, oh shit, I've never seen jewels this fine in all of China. Obviously, you're very rich. And he's like, yes, obviously I am. And I brought you a sweet-ass gift. This definitely a robot. I present you a gift. These two droids. That's just Anthony Daniels. I don't want that. Oh, come on, please. He was in all the Star Wars movies and Ralph Bakshi's Lord of the Rings. Come on. That's a pedigree.
But yeah, she comes out and it's just immediately, you know, like I am dancing doll of fame and Fatima is my name. And does the same. And then, yeah, I'm turning Japanese plays. But she just does the same fucking dance. And he's just like, oh, that's a magical gift. Oh, how delightful. I love it. Yeah, fuck my daughter. Fuck yeah, dolls. I love this shit. I'm just at least, you know, it's a movie directed by the most conservative surviving member of the monkeys in 1990. But still, I really wanted that emperor to be like, well, I see she dances well, but can I fuck it? What you got going on downstairs, Aladdin? And so he's just like, hey.
I guess you can marry my daughter in two days. Smash cut to two days later, and it's a lovely night in China. Oh, my king of weighty crown, 50 bucks just like in town. Damn! This is a terrible gift. Doesn't mean I won't pay it, though. God damn it. It's a good thing you're so rich. How do you think I got so rich, king?
Yeah, so anyway. It's still definitely China, the song. The lovely night in China song, which is so long. Yeah, it's just, hey, we found one of those Chinese dragon things. We'll use that, I guess. Yeah. And then, oh, we'll cut to stock footage of fireworks. No, we didn't skip a scene. No, we didn't. We're good. We're good. Because during that scene, there's a part where the princess and Aladdin are talking, and he's like, you know, now that I've succeeded, I am the richest man in China, but I'm going to have the genie give half my fortune to the poor, so they may also enjoy a taste. And this is just like not brought up again. Never.
does anything to the setting. He also never actually does it. He just says he's going to. And then he calls the genie and you're like, oh, he's going to do it. And he's like, genie, go build me an opulent palace for free. I need a palace and make it look exactly like this one so that when we film there, we don't need new sets. Can I build it in a huge void because it's clearly a CGI effect? Sure, genie, I don't give a shit. I don't care. Can I just float standing wherever on it so it looks like it's below me even though it's being built straight up?
Yeah, I don't give a shit. No one cares. No one cares. You can definitely give me a screensaver for a palace. Can you just sort of stand in the middle of it, like in the liminal space that makes no sense and make this whole thing look fucking crazy? Yes, also, I will definitely do all those dumb stereotypical dances again. God damn it, Barry. Barry, god damn it! But then, yeah, while the lovely Night in China song plays interminably, we get a pause from it while Bostwick goes off to build a palace because he sings a little Building a Palace song. Yep, time to build a palace for Aladdin.
He's become the one and rise in crime. God, that always reminds me of how in the 92 Aladdin, the weirdest thing about it to me is always that he's like, hey, genie, I want you to make me a prince. And the genie can't fucking do it. No. He doesn't do it. He's like, I'll make you look like one. I'll make you all rich and put you on an elephant and shit. I'll give you a bunch of servants and animals and whatever. But you are not legally a prince and anyone who knows anything about heraldry will see through you immediately. And you think he'd point that out. You think he'd be like, hey, you're not a prince because the moment Jafar sees him, you're like, no, that's just a poor kid. That's just a poor kid doing a parade. Because the thing is, if he had actually fulfilled the wish, he'd be like, ah, but you're not just a lad. He'd be like, yeah, but I am technically
the son of a king. Yeah. I am a prince because that was the wish that I had. Yeah, the wish that I made was for me to be a bonafide prince, like Lone Star, and apparently all you can do is- A real bonafide prince! But apparently all you can do is just dress him like one. What the hell, William? Bullshit. Yeah. Genie. Weird moment. Almost as weird as that part where it sounds like the, what's her name, says, Jasmine says, like, all good boys take their clothes off or something in that movie. It's not, she doesn't actually say it, but if you hear it in isolation, it's like a Gany Laurel thing. Yeah. Anyway, where were we? So yes, a big CGI palace gets built for Aladdin, and wouldn't you know, it has the same exact layout as the Emperor's Palace.
And they go to live there. And that would, you would think, be our happy ending. But no, for we have not finished with the sorcerer. The sorcerer's like, ooh, I gotta get my hands on that lamp. Now, for some reason, Aladdin has straight up just told Mei Ling and his mom, who lives in the palace with him, he's like, yeah, this is a magic lamp. I have a genie that only I can see. And it grants me whatever I want, including, he's just like, hey, genie, give me a tray with a bunch of tea. And he's like, yeah, sure. I love that part. He's like, genie. Yes, what do you need? Tea for two. Like, dude, you're in your own palace.
This is like calling the CEO of Blockbuster to see if they have Jurassic Park. Yeah, it's a real fucked up thing where I'm like, it's one thing to go like, I'll use this genie of phenomenal power to become the richest man in China. But he's like, can I get a couple of cups of tea? I'm like, that's a real fucking weird waste of time. Don't you live in a giant palace? You're like the richest man. Just spend some money. Get some servants.
You're the richest man in China. Spread your money around. You know, you're just saying you want to help out the poor. Well, he can't. Employment is a great way to start. You see, what happened is he tanked the economy and no one wants to work because they got all their money for free. You see, if you just give a handout to people, nobody wants to work anymore. Yeah, he instituted a universal basic income. Except he never actually did that. He just said he was going to.
And then we get my least favorite song, which is Tea Time, which I have parentheses joylessly singing about how happy we are. We're both of them like, it is time for tea, tea for you, tea for me. Oh, we are so happy. How joyous we must be. And I'm just like, you are the most monotone, not even looking at each other. I'm like, this is awful. It sounds like Elcor singing it. Joyously.
Time for tea. Enthusiastically, I am your wife. It is our wedding day. Ugh. So, yeah, that song fucking sucks. And then Aladdin just, we get a part where the king's like, hey, if any shit happens to my daughter, I'll cut your fucking head off, dumbass. And then Aladdin's like, ugh, okay, well, why would anything happen to her? Well, I tell you what, I'll have my mom live with us. And he's like, good enough for me. Nothing will happen to my daughter with your mom around. That frail lady? Oh, I feel super safe now. And you say you will not hire any guards or servants or anything at all? Why would I? I can just be like, genie, put up some walls or something.
So at some point, he's just like, well, wife, mother, I'm going to leave for some reason. If he never explains his leaves, I'm going to go. Don't do anything. And I'm going to leave my magic lamp that has a genie with you for some reason. And once again, let me tell you for sure, it has a genie in it, and it's really important to me, and do not get rid of it. It is the source of all of our wealth and power. Please take care of it. Anyway, bye. Even if you don't believe me, this lamp is very important to me. Please don't do anything with it.
And then in comes, and of course, this is directly from the folktale. The sorcerer just shows up and is like, hey, new lamps for old lamps. Hand it out. Brand new lamps if you got a shitty old lamp. And the mom just goes, fuck yes. I am all about that. Everyone knows that my only motivation as a character is that I'm a lamp fiend. This dude just said this lamp was from like Madagascar. I need that fucking lamp. Are you kidding me?
It's so weird. Again, because I'm like, I know this is from the folktale. I get it. But the idea of it would be like, you are the richest person in China. Get whatever fucking lamp you want. Why not just offer to buy it? Just be like, hey, I know you're just saying. Oh, no, she does. Because he's like, oh, I don't accept money. The only thing I'm doing right now is trading old lamps for new lamps. I'm disrupting the lamp industry, okay? At that point, she should be like, fine, there's a lamp store right behind you. I'm going to go buy any lamp and bring it over here. Oh, well, that's a brand new lamp you got there. I'll scuff it.
Scuff it. Uh, uh, scuff it. Yeah, even Mei Ling's like, don't trade his lamp. He just told us it's like really important there's a genie in it. And she's like, eh, Aladdin sucks. I'm doing it. I fucking hate that kid. No son of mine would deny me a random lamp from Zenzibar. And so after the new lamps for old song, she does indeed just go, all right, here's this thing that my son really cares about. Ha ha, fuck him. Am I right? I got a slightly longer lamp out of the deal. Now who's the idiot?
And so, with the new lamp under his control, the sorcerer's like, fuck you, Barry Bostwick, quit being a dumbass. Yeah, I love how mean he is to Barry Bostwick immediately, where he's like, Jeannie, I call you forth. Ah, what can I do? Shut the fuck up, Aladdin. Shut up, shut the fuck up, never talk. Oh, but wouldn't you rather have a nice... Shut up, no. What I want you to do right now is kidnap Mei Ling and Aladdin's mother, put them in the Cave of Wonders, destroy his palace. Because that set sucked. Because fuck that place. We can't use that set, it's CGI. So instead we'll destroy it and put them in that cave set we built.
And, uh, but don't do anything to Aladdin for some reason. He's just like, I'm just going to have you steal his wife and mom. And I, I will assume that that will be fine because I mean, he's almost right. The assault immediately is like, ah, your palace disappeared. And I don't know where my daughter is. I'm going to murder you right now. And he's like, wait, hold on, hold on. An evil magician is my enemy. I really wanted the emperor at that point to be like, okay, yeah, definitely kill him. He just said an evil magician is his enemy. That's crazy. Look, an evil magician is the enemy of all human kind. He demands respect and to be taken seriously. I don't even know what to deal with this guy.
But yeah, he's like, just give me time. You have, he says, looking at his majordomo, who goes, until sundown. Until sundown! Or I'll take your head! And it's like, why would you kill this guy early? If he's clearly committed to looking for your daughter, just let him do it. Yeah, especially when you're like, oh, your palace disappeared. Yeah. Your mom and my daughter are both gone. He's like, there's nothing in this world that I want more than to find them and save them. And he's like, well, I should kill you then. You're like, why? Kill him afterwards, you know? And once he, like, admits defeat, just get him then. That's so weird. You know, what am I? I'm not the emperor of ancient China. Or at least be like, oh, what do you know? Oh, this guy took it. Okay, well.
Take some of my fucking guards and go murder him then. Yeah, something like that. But so he's like, you have until sundown. I will personally try nothing. I'm all out of ideas. I'll do nothing. And if you fail, then fuck it. I don't care anymore. Yeah. And they just stomps out of the room. At which point Aladdin's like, oh, what the fuck do I do now? What the fuck do I do now? And then Fatima shows up with just a random gift from nowhere. It's like, hey, I'm Fatima. Here's a ring. It's got a genie inside it. Peace, bitches. I am dancing doll of fame. Here is a ring. Fart.
And the ring has a lesser genie in it, but a better version of Barry Bostwick. Barry Bostwick's impression of Norm MacDonald's impression of Burt Reynolds in it. That's what's in the ring. I love this version of Barry Boswick. Me too, because it's Barry Boswick's impression of Norm MacDonald's impression of Burt Reynolds. That is a great idea. Yeah, but this came out before that. So technically, Norm MacDonald's doing an impression of Barry Boswick in 1990 as Aladdin. But yeah, it's just, what's this? Barry Boswick put a fake mustache on. He's like, hey, I'm a genie in a ring. What do you need, eh? What do you need there, chief? He's just like, whoa, that is very Burt Reynolds-y. Why is he doing that? What is happening right now? He's like, yep, I'm another genie. Can't undo what that guy did, but I don't know. I can do whatever you want otherwise. He's like, okay, can you take me to...
my wife and mom. He's like, yeah, sure. Fuck it. Teleport immediately. I'm not going to fuck around with fart sprinkles. I was in gator. And yeah, he just teleports. He's not as good at genieing. So he teleports him to the cave of wonder, but not the same room that the wife and mom are in. So we can have a scene of, of the mom and wife being scared of like noises they're hearing as Aladdin and this new genie sort of bumble around trying to figure out where they are. Yeah. And you know,
there's no reason for it since it's just an extra minute of Aladdin going, Oh, Jeannie, where are they? And then them going, Oh, let's hide. And there's no reason because then like after 50 seconds, I just go, here I am. I'm Aladdin. Oh, hi Aladdin. This whole part might as well be called the part with no point or no reason because then like, he's like, well, I think I hear a Jafart coming. Oh, and she's like, yes, he means to marry me.
Because that will make him powerful in Chinese politics or whatever. And he's like, well, you have to go along with it. It's not even that. It's just, oh, he just wants me because he's a gross old man and I'm a young girl because he's going to take me back to Arabia. Yeah. And it turns out, luckily for him, that the genie ring also has a sleeping potion in it. No, the genie just goes, here you go. Have this ring. I guess he's a genie of rings, so he probably says a lot of rings. Yeah, he's a ring genie. He's got a juicy jewel of flavor. He's a mandarin.
So he's just like, here, have this ring. It's got a sleeping potion in it. So, you know, basically Aladdin's like, okay, here you go, Mei Ling. Basically, do Princess Bride. You have to speed? Okay, see you later. I'll carry on. You know what to do. So sure enough, in comes Jafar with like a tray of tea and he's like, now serve me tea as I am your future husband. And we get a reprise of that awful fucking tea time song. Yes, we do. But now Jafar is like, hey, internally he's like, oh, she's putting something in my tea.
He just clocks her immediately as messing with the tea. So he's like, I'll do this. I'll just play along. And he's like, ah, but I must drink from your cup and you must drink from mine, as is the custom in my homeland of Arabia. Oh, no, you have to drink from yours and me from mine because you are not in Arabia. You're in China. And because in the spirit of total pointlessness, they're still fighting over who should drink out of which cup when Aladdin just goes, ah, fuck it, and runs in. Yeah, just like, nah, I'm just gonna stab this guy. This routine's going nowhere. Look, we've spent like five minutes on this whole tea time thing. It sucks ass. No one cares. I should have had her do who's on first.
awful but yeah he just comes in and starts running at him and eventually he manages to have his I think Mei Ling gets the lamp and so rubs it and is like hey can you stop this guy from killing Aladdin he's like oh yeah sure no problem I really like I love the who's on first thing though because everyone wanted to start that and be like yeah who's on first and he's like that's a common Chinese surname this is not an unusual thing for you to say here yes that's probably true No doubt. How's he doing on first base? No, no, how's he doing? Yeah, yeah, shut up. We already knew the bits. No, it's fine. Fuck you. Well, yeah, we also get the moment where the two genies meet here, which is stupid. He's like, hey, good job. Yes, I'm the clowny pink genie.
I just love that this version of the story ends with Aladdin basically being like, I used a genie to get a genie, and now I have two genies. I'm the man with two genies, the end. Now I just have two genies, unlimited power, and this is the happy ending. That's it. Isn't it nice that this random piece of shit kid lucked into getting the most power ever and did not share it with anyone? Yeah, I love that he has phenomenal ultimate cosmic power, and he just gets an extra one, and that's just part of the story. Yeah, part of the story is, ah, it wasn't enough that I have a greater genie, now I also have a lesser genie. Oh, don't worry, Luke, you may be the master of the force, but I found out recently you're also the master of the smorse. It's just an extra version that you also are in charge of. Hooray!
You know who isn't the master of the s'mores? Great British Bake Off. Yeah, Paul Hollywood is not a master of it. He's like the Sith version of whatever that is. He's from the dark side of the s'mores. From the dark chocolate of the s'mores, you piece of shit. Dark chocolate ganache. What an absolute garbage man you are. Fuck you. Hey, I'm sorry for spoiler alert for people who haven't watched all the way into baking show yet. They fuck up s'mores. They fuck up s'mores real bad and I hate it.
Anyway, yeah, it ends with he has two genies, has his palace back, is back to being the richest man ever, and that's the end of it. Yep, that's just worth it. It's just over now. They're all in the palace in two little rows, and everyone gets a line in the song, including that Major Domo guy who hasn't sung until now, so it's weird. It's very weird. Yeah. But that's the end of it. Also, Fatima's here and singing along with everyone in a normal voice now. Yeah.
Why not? I guess she had her own little Pinocchio story going on the side that we didn't see. Yeah, at one point he probably just went, I've got a genie. I can just turn you into a regular person. You already are. Greatly reducing your value because you're just a person who can dance and sing now. China's full of those. It doesn't have any dancing dolls. A shame. But that's it. That's 1990s Aladdin. So let's get into our best and worst for this dumbass piece of shit. Jeff.
in the entirety of 1990s Aladdin. What is the best thing about it? There's going to be two performances that matter. One of them is the Burt Reynolds version of Barry Boswick, which I'm sure is yours. So I'm going to go with the part where Richard Kiley does his song and dance about how he's the greatest sorcerer and he's just spinning around and hitting the ground with a stick. Also, I just like Richard Kiley's performance in general where he's like, yes, I'm the brother of your husband and I would like to see where he slept. I'd like to sit on his toilet if I could. Maybe take a dump like he would. I would like my dumps to mingle with his. Brotherly. The brotherly dumps we were known as.
My name? Your husband's brother. I'm Uncle. Uncle Uncle-y. So I like the Richard Kiley performance. I'm going to take that as my favorite. Being very generous to allow you to say, yeah, it's definitely the fucking Barry Boswick performance as the ring genie where he's just like, hey, I stopped being a dumbass for a while. What's up? And I'm like, yes. Like every line of his when he's ring genie, you feel like you should have like one of those cigarettes and a long stick and like a martini in the other hand just standing around like, yeah, what's up? We're twins. I'm more handsome, of course. What do you need?
It's just, it's one of those things where I was like, God, I fucking hate his performance as this lamp genie. And then the second he comes out of the ring genie, I'm like, now I hate it even more because he could have been doing this for the whole movie. Yeah, they should have reversed these two. He should have been suave, cool genie all the way through, skipping, helping save us from songs like I'm a genie, not a meanie. And then just have this dumb clown version come out for like the 30 seconds he gets. Exactly. Piece of shit, wasted opportunity. I'm a worse genie. I'm a piece of shit. I can get you within 50 feet of your wife. All right. I dropped your taco with the fire. Oops.
All right, pick the one worst thing in this entire movie. One thing, just one thing. I should have been thinking about this. Yeah, you should have been. I mean, all right, if I'm going to pick one thing, I'm going to say that this movie has no Asian people in it. That's my one thing. There you go. That's the whitest crew of people, of Chinese people I've ever seen. So white, this China. Bone white, like fine China is not meant to be. Indeed. Yeah, so that's mine. What about you?
Oh, I mean, obviously that is a real big issue here. It is definitely something you have to get used to. It's definitely one of those things where you're like, okay, going into this, please note. Like, yeah, you know, people gave the 92 Aladdin a lot of shit because the opening song had some kind of stereotypical problematic statements about Arabian people. Yes. And then they changed some of that for the final release and it's still not the best. Watch this. 92 Aladdin is wonderful. Wow. What a wonderful thing where they tried a little bit.
I'm going to say, outside of that, the worst thing in this movie, God, I want to narrow it down to one of the songs. I think it's got to be Tea Time. Tea Time is just the saddest, somberest song where the lyrics are, we love each other so much. We're so happy. Please believe me. That said, if it was performed by two Elcor from Mass Effect. Then clearly, if this entire movie was just populated by Elcor, it would be fantastic.
Sinister, throw me the ring. All right. Disingenuously, your father was my brother. I'm lying. Damn it.
All right. We are going to rate the movie now. We each give it a rating from zero to five to get a full rating out of 10. Jeff? One and a half. Avoid. This is not fun. This is not a place of honor. I don't even need to do that speech because I love it too much. This sucks. It just sucks. You think, oh, Barry Bostwick singing performance. I love those. Not worth it. No. Yeah. That's the problem is it's like you hear, oh, it's a musical thing and Barry Bostwick's in it. You're like, ooh, fun. No. It is not fun. It is cheap. It is boring. The songs universally suck. Yeah. There is even in.
Most shitty musicals, you'll at least have one where you're like, oh, that was kind of catchy. That was a little bit of an earworm. Yeah, every musical's got one banger. Not this one. No, this one is top to bottom garbage. Yeah. So, you know, it's the most skippable thing I've ever seen. That said, the most offensive thing it does is 90s style whitewashing. So I'm going a one and a half because it's not a movie and it's not like actively painful or anything. It's just boring. Yeah. I mean, I think I'll give it a one and a half as well. Literally managing to get out of being a one because it is only an hour long. Yes. It gets out.
quick enough that I'm not hating it even more. It's just wild to me that this was made while, you know, this was made while the Aladdin cartoon movie was already in development because that took years to make. They're like, Ooh, we need to get people used to the idea of Aladdin as a story. So we're going to put out this absolute trash live action, shitty musical while we are putting together the Aladdin cartoon. Yeah. This was made for the Disney channel.
Yes, this was a TV movie. Yeah, but not for like ABC. I don't even think it was part of that like Disney at night thing that used to be a thing in like the 80s and 90s. No. Remember that? Our featured presentation. Oh yeah, I love that shit. Yeah, that was always fun to watch unless it was like some Davy Crockett shit. Yeah, man, you get What's His Nuts come out and you'd be like, hey, I'm over here in Disneyland and it's great. I'm so rich. Here, watch some Disney stuff. Yeah, so that was, this wasn't made for that, I don't think. I can't be sure. Michael Eisner. Oh, so you just mean when Eisner would come out and watch it? Yeah, Eisner, it always started with Eisner comes out, he's got like...
you know, Mickey and Goofy in their, you know, costumes from fucking Disneyland. Yeah, and he'd have something about it because he was like, you know, in a certain time in the 70s, we didn't quite know what a computer was yet. We thought it might wear tennis shoes. And now Kurt Russell stars in the computer wore tennis shoes. Yeah, it was just, hey, I'm going to come out and I'm going to bookend this fucking Disney movie. And I'm like, great. I just want those to exist and just have, basically, I don't want them to exist. I want to create a rumor that they existed with a transcript list based on the stupidest Disney movie names from the 50s and 60s. Have them be like, what if a duck was worth a million dollars? Let's find out all about that in Million Dollar Duck from 1961. Ugh.
Time for the happiest alligator. I love the happiest alligator. Me too. All right, three out of 10. Absolute trash. Don't watch this. Don't even look up a clip of this because it's just painful. There isn't even like one Barry Bostwick song that's worth it. Yeah, the fact that he is doing just the worst shit while he is on screen makes me just sad. Yeah, it's like Shock Treatment, which is not a very good movie. It's okay to watch if you're way into the works of that guy in general, like the Rocky Horror works. But even then, you can isolate and listen to like, you might think I'm a 10, but you're looking at an ace. That's a fun song. You can isolate that song and watch it for the clip. Not here. There's nothing. There's nothing here.
So thank you so much for joining us. We will, of course, be back with more Movie Mastery in another couple weeks. And until then, if you are not sated, we do have so much more content. You can get all of that by going to our Patreon at patreon.com slash systemmastery. You might have noticed, if you're not already a member, you might have had some ads in here. No, we haven't put them in yet. Oh, I've got them in here. Oh, I've got them all up in here. Soon there will be ads. We have yet to place any of the official episodes, largely because it's going to be a huge amount of work to go to the Patreon and set everything to patron only. Not this, though. Yeah.
This one's for patrons only. This one's patronsonly.com. You can start that today if you want. We need to have a date that's going to be the changeover. But, you know, whatever. So, yeah, basically, John's right. We will be starting to put ads into the show fairly soon for the main feed. If you want to avoid that, that's going to become the newest perk of our Patreon. Simply join it at any level and skip those ads. Yeah, so we've got a ton of content there.
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We will always be back. Oh yeah, we're not going anywhere. So we'll see you in a couple of weeks. And until then, you all have a good one. This is big. The Sephora savings event is back. And now through November 9th, everything's on sale. Everything you really want. Like one size, Patrick Ta, Karastas, Kayali, Laneige, and yeah, you're going to need a bigger bag. Shop at Sephora. Limitations apply. Must be a beauty insider. See terms at sephora.ca for complete details.