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Oh man, the show. Wow. This went from kiss to spinal tap in a hot second. The music broke.
Our dongle died. Oh, it's the day the dongle died. I can't work out of these conditions. Somebody needs to be on dongle patrol 24-7.
Always check the dongle. Just want to breathe through it. You can't do that. You want to try it?
I'm ready for the song. I want to do it. You want the song. You prepped before the song and I was in it.
The smoke started. I know. And then the beat started and then. Okay, here we go.
At least it is. You're ready to rock. I can tell. Let's go, man.
Lights. On the dongle. We even knew it. Welcome to the show, At least it is.
We did it. It's a good thing this house doesn't have working, fire, smoke alarms. You know what's crazy is it does. And it has a lady that says, excuse me, but there's a lot of smoke in the room and the alarm is about to go off and it's going to be very loud.
And she never does it. She just says that all the time because I'm smoking. Sometimes I enjoy some part marijuana in my house. I want to watch fights.
I want to go outside. I want to see the fights and smoke at the same time. It's my house. This lady just keeps bitching at me about how she's going to turn this alarm on.
And it's going to be so loud that I'm going to be super uncomfortable. But I've never heard it. And I do, you know, when I, sometimes when she says it, I just go, nah. And I keep smoking.
Just see. Just see what happens. I'm like, you mean, you've been bluffing me pretty, like, you can't fake me pretty hard a lot. You know what I'm like?
What about if I just try one time to see how much I can do it in so far? She's full of it, man. She's a lion robot lady pilot turds. Anyway, welcome to the show, dude.
As soon as smoke will clear and everybody will be able to see us and then we'll know for sure that you're actually here. I'm being very honest. This smoke smells very good. Oh, cool.
I've been in places where they did smoke and it didn't smell as good. This has a nice way to it. Yeah, because I think if I did, because I have to do this a lot and I think if it smelled like something bad, we probably would have aced it too. Yeah, you have sinned it.
It is. It is. It's a very good smoke machine. It's got sort of a cotton candy vibe.
Yeah. And I really want to hit a song because I used to be at this rock and roll spot in Houston called Cardis and this is when you know, you get in spaces and you find out things about yourself. Yeah. Like I'm very into never knew this.
I'm very into Gothic girls. Yeah, me too. Like girls with tattoos on any throat that's really pale. Me too.
Like fam. Yeah. I don't even, I've never had one. I've never had one.
I want one. I do very creepy things. Yeah, me too. Like if I'm in the mall, I'm going in high topics and Spencer's.
I'm going in both stores. Like just a C one. You're going to want to check some ideas before you bring anybody home from high topic. Man, I just look at them.
I'm not even bringing them by. I've never spoken to a guy from a girl. I just looked at them. Oh, you got a fan creepy.
They're so fun. And they know that I want them. They can tell. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. It's like where it's like black girls and they always know. They know. Yeah.
They're looking like they're getting like beating them because they're black already. Are you showing all the gold? There is something there that anywhere. It's like this guy.
He's not here because I am pasty. I got a lot of tattoos, but you can tell I'm not racist because I know racist people and they don't usually try to bro down with me. They can tell. They can tell.
Yeah. Actually, they're like, yeah, oh wait, you know, maybe this guy isn't. I'm like, yeah, maybe I'm not. Yeah, you can tell your ink that you know.
Right. Yeah, I'm really trying to. I mean, it's cool as Hitler's mustache looks. I just didn't want to go with the point.
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I don't know how they do it. Microwaves. Oh, there's things 45 seconds and then you spin it around and then you do that. No, there's one six minutes.
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I think it's a thing that connects with me. Immediately I saw your black heart using your face, but I had one too. I had a little bigger, but I have one. Did you get it?
Because he went to jail for a minute. No jail tattoos. You didn't get any in there? No.
I'm an Inkles 3 World. Was it there? Could have you got it? Yeah, it was available.
I'm sticking poker. Did they have a machine? It was some machines though. The guy's made machines out of radio ports.
Sick. It was decent tattoos in there. Very decent. But I didn't like how the Inkles made.
I watched them make the Ink. I was like, okay, good point. How do they do that? So, they get a brown paper bag that kind of waxy stuff inside of it.
And they burn spoons. They use the set of burnt spoons and they catch the sit in the bag and scrape it down. And they put in these little bottle tops. They put water in it.
And they put water in it. Wow. And then for color they would roll. And they did color too.
Yeah, they would roll the M&Ms. Yeah, no way. In a little bit of water. That works.
In a little bit of water and take the dye off of the M&Ms. You would see a lot of white M&Ms. They would roll all the orange, all the yellow, all the men. All the blue, all the red.
And they would fade in. How many M&Ms are you scraping together? A lot. Two going.
That is a triumph of the human spirit. Right? And then it's crazy. Just watch this.
You know how sick it is if you're using the M&Ms with no nuts? Because it's smaller. Yeah. Yeah.
You got to soak more. They would use the M&Ms with nuts. That's how I detail it was. Did they blend the color to get the whole rainbow or did you just have it?
Do you want to green one or a yellow one or an orange? No, you just. If you wanted orange in it, you would just take all the orange off of all the orange M&Ms. Yeah.
And then you would have yellow, orange, green, blue, red. Yeah. And then the brown ones. All right.
And so you would just take all the other. And they would shade it. That's the shade that's the shade. But the slit was the actual.
And I never wanted to see it. That's crazy. What to do with tattoo man? And that's how they would like you've seen people sit home like these napkins, these handkerchiefs, it's like it's actually a handkerchief.
So they would sit home and handkerchiefs and they would be colored. They would do these large portraits on these handkerchiefs or even on a envelope. And that's how they would color it. And then they would be the M&Ms.
M&Ms was a big thing. One time I had a contest against a guy on a Howard Stone Shot. It's how I got on the Howard Stone Shot. I pitched it to him where he had a guy working there that was uncircumcised.
So I bet who could put the most M&Ms in their foreskin and then whoever won would be the king of all pouches. So, because you know how he's the king of all media. So, so we don't know. It was like, who won?
I did. I doubled him. You had more foreskin. Yeah, I got more everything than him.
I think I would probably beat you in the fourth. You never know dude. I mean, I got a award. It's a porn award.
It's a porn award. Oh, that's a man. Maybe we can arrange like a little triathlon between you guys. First you do the M&Ms.
Fox M&Ms. You skate. He skates. He's skates.
He's either run down to the mall and hit on some goth chicks. We would kill together. We would kill together at a goth club. Maybe we'd do exactly what we're there for.
Yo man. So you did porn? Yeah, still do. You got only fans.
Got only fans. So, I was on some like Adam Carroz. I was on his podcast. He had a porn lady on there.
Her husband was there. I was uncomfortable. I was like, I was like, yes. So when I did my first, I know.
It was like five. And I was looking outside the audience to her husband. Like, you cool with this conversation? I'm about to ask some questions.
I want to know what's going on. Yeah, that's cool with it. I've had I've had sex with one porn star ever. And like it's just a regular civilian.
I want to host the AVN. I really do. Yeah, you should. I really do.
It's a lot of porn ladies. They need you. That I really like. But it's just one lady.
I'm very respectful. I would never say her name. But she, um, I was doing each other. I've already loved it.
She told me. She's like, Hey, don't watch none of my new movies. I know that you've seen some of them. I was on my new movies.
And because I almost was like one on one. I knew movies was different. Yeah. And so she was like, don't watch the movies.
And me being fucking all headed. I went watch the movie. It was like her against us. Yeah.
And the us was like five. My fucking. Yeah. Does that make it worse for you?
Yeah, it makes the world. Like, how do you understand her angle? I understand. You're like, wait, right?
Yes. Right. Or five joints, which one would you want? I'm not.
I'm not having that. I'm doing it the same time. You could. That'd be pretty fun, though.
It would be. You got to try it. I've done it. But the thing is I want to see it and then we and me and her together.
She I'm like, no, I don't believe you. I don't believe you anymore. I've seen. You don't think you can enjoy just being with one man anymore.
But how's that work? I've been with five people. It doesn't mean one person is all of a sudden not good. That doesn't work that way.
I've been with three people. Right. And now do you only prefer three people? I would prefer three people.
Right. You think you're worse in bed now? Because you're the only one person. Anytime I'm still thinking of three other people.
I'm like, ah, I'm thinking about a type of man. To me, it's like, you know, you smoke weed all day. You don't want to have like three strands. One of those ones where they have the oil and the resin and the hash and all the things.
You don't want that one of those all the time. Sometimes I just like regular doobies. And then every now and then I'll kick it up to the megawan that has like so much THC, you're tripping. Because I still appreciate your basic doobie.
I'm not making any sense, am I? No, I think I made a back. I think that you have really turned my own. My idea on this.
Because you should see it that way. I'm in the industry and I know I have friends that I find attractive that do things similar to what you're talking about. And they don't, because I've done it. And I know why I did it.
It's kind of like I've been into open relationships as well. So it's more, what do you want to do? What makes you happy? I'm happy if you can do that.
If I can believe that in myself, that you're going out there and having the best time ever, but you still love me. I love you. I just feel like there's some freedom with that. Because nobody gets to me if I can let that happen.
But I get it. I get that people don't want to have that as well. I just don't like it when people that don't do it refuse to understand that that's a thing. I do understand.
I would have preferred if I would have listened to her. And I would have watched him over there. She did tell you. And she tried to tell me that.
She knew you enough to know that when you see that, it's going to be. Hey, man, you see this. This is not going to resonate with you. But I do agree.
I do enjoy one person. Yeah, me too. One person who does everything that the three would do. Yeah.
Oh, yeah, for sure. But three people. Every now and then there's somebody out there that can do just this one thing. But and when they do that, that's pretty OK.
I think if I had three guys, if I had three guys, all different sides, I think I'd be. I'm so jealous. And I'm saying shit to fool out more jealousy. I'm like, I know he's going to say he did it.
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Like they got a one where your phone sits on it. It's just way. It's like, I'm lazy. I get like the one that you get at 7-Eleven.
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I did run my brand new Harry's razor over my face. Shaving always makes me feel good, Michael. Why is that? I think I've got hair that comes out gray and it makes me feel like I'm going to die soon.
Right. So if I shave it off, I can conceal the lie that it's all over. Right. You cannot have to face your imminent mortality.
Yeah. Thanks to Harry's razors. Real talk, you've known me for the better part of 20 years. You've probably seen me shave about three times.
You know why? No, I irritated you. I hated shading until this very morning. When I look at this.
You actually did that. I did. Wait. I wasn't waiting for that.
I was waiting for that. Wait, check it out. Look at this bad boy. I even know I could get a handlebar.
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You do it. My father. Did he box? No.
He had a friend named James. He was a heavyweight. Yeah. And he doesn't take my kid to the gym.
Yeah. Go to the gym. And I like the straight away. I like the straight away.
I think there was this thing of knowing how to throw a punch for real. Kind of like going to a gun range versus looking at videos on how people do it in the booth. That's dumb. When you're at the gun range, you get a more appreciation of the way.
Get my respect for it too. Yeah. So and then you have a lot of confidence when you know that you can protect yourself with what's on your body. It's like anywhere you go, you're like, man, I'm cool.
And for the first time I've seen someone in the internet that really resonated with me, it was this drunk white guy and he's in a squad call and the officer asked me, say, do you have any weapons on you? And he said, sure do. He said what kind of weapons do you have when he said this right hand is left hand. And I was like, hell yeah.
That's like, you're right. Like anytime I got fucking weapons on me, I got two of them. I keep moving. Right hand to my left hand.
Let's do it. And that's a kid when you're growing up and you're a smaller person on five, seven, you know. The heaviest I've ever been is 190 and I was unhealthy. So being healthy, I'm 155, 160 at the most and growing up in the world where most people are bigger than you.
But when you know in your mind that you have a skill that it doesn't matter how big somebody is. Yeah, right. I know. Yeah, to me, bigger people is better.
Bigger is it's gonna make me look way cooler and further. It's gonna make me look so sexy when I do this year. It's like, do you understand? I used to see these guys with my father and my father, six, three, but all his friends were smaller guys besides James.
James is like six, six huge dude. But ivory and on LC and all these guys were small and they were these small dudes in these tailored suits that were so fucking tough. And then all my uncles on my mom's side. Nobody's talking about 859s.
They just these tough ass dudes and suits. So when you're growing up and this is what you see, you just want to be one of them. And so, hey man, if you wanted to do it, you know, it just let's do it. And I knew I was a tough kid when I noticed that I would always get jumped on.
Like kids would never fight me one on one. They would always jump on me. They knew it. They'd be like one on one is not gonna be enough.
And I would do anything to win. I had no, that's why I was a good safety because I had no regard for myself. So I'm gonna hit you as hard as I possibly can. I'm gonna have to break something or whatever.
And I'm gonna hit you once it's broke. Actually, with kids, if you crack somebody real hard, the other guys aren't really looking to go anymore. So even when you get jumped, right? So when you get jumped, if you fire off on the first one, it's hard as you can, the other two or three are way more skeptical.
Like they don't want to catch that same thing. Like, oh, shit, yeah, it's a thing. And people used to sneak me. I like my back would be turned, and people would sneak me.
And they didn't understand what they did for me. The fact that you snuck me instantly knew, made me know that you was fucking scared. And now I'm on some savage shit. Like, I'm gonna be like, OK, that's what you are.
And then the thing about me, I was never scared to lose. I'm still not scared to lose now. Because you've lost. That does make it easy.
These right here, somebody broke both of these. This is crack. In one shot. In one shot.
I don't know. And you know when you feel it and it's like chips, your mouth, you're like, shit. He meant that. Now it's time to see what you made of in adversity.
I got beat up in the cricket nets when I was a kid. That was the first time I was ever known for something. The whole lunch break. It's like batting cages, but I just got stuck in there.
He just kicked me to the ground and then I just had my hands over my head to protect my head and took shots to the body for like 30 minutes. But our kids were kids. I wasn't like a man kick. I mean, I didn't even, I think maybe I had like a bruise on my head, but my face was clean.
I covered my face. But yeah, I was always getting jumped at school. That's crazy. And I wasn't really a fighter.
I was just more of a, every now and then maybe a smart house. And I was girls like me. So I think a lot of guys wanted to fight me for that. You know what's weird?
Like you just say, I'm 50. But I lost. I've never started. I've never started.
Yeah. I've never started fighting. I've never, it's not one person in my life that even people who don't like me, they're typically like, I started with him. Yeah.
I've never, I've never picked on anybody. And how many fights have you been in? Shit. Like I've had four fights this year.
Four different times you've been attacked this year? No, I've had four fights. No, I wouldn't say attacks. You took about some fights.
I was three fights. So you didn't, if you didn't start them, then you were attacked. No, it was. Oh my God.
I'm worried if I could punch the head before the show. What the hell? He's really been paranoid. Okay.
So one Saturday, I do a show Saturday. I end up going home Sunday. So I'm, I'm in Houston. I'm at this club.
I go out on by myself. My truck is parked in the front. I know everybody at this club. I'm really not tripping.
So I'm in the club and it's due. He come through and he bumping everybody. He say, excuse me to know one. And I say, okay, can we come through?
I'm not tripping. So he comes back again and he's bumping everybody. I push him in the back when he comes. He bumping.
I was like, man, fuck what you doing? He turned around. Hey man, I fucking said, excuse me. I'm like, no, you didn't.
I said, I would never push you. I'm like, could you come through here with some goofy shit? And he say, well, since you push him, I fucking have to fight. And this is me because I'm very calm.
I feel like I'm starting to, I feel like he's starting to shit. I'm like, man, I don't have to fight you. I got to fight you. I don't have to do shit.
I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna use the restroom. And then I'm gonna leave. My truck is parked right in the front.
If you talking to shit, I'll be right in the front. Come out the bathroom. I go to the bathroom. I come out the bathroom.
I know you don't want to fight from the jump street because you let me go to the bathroom. I'm really not too lazy. I go to the bathroom. I come out.
It's officer that I know named Jack and the dude is standing there. Yeah. Yeah, Jack, I'm for the beat. This dude ass.
And Jack looked and saw what he was talking to. He was like, in him. And Jack told me, he said, no, I'm being a witness. Jack owns a gym called Muscle Heads.
I go to Jack's gym. I work out his Jack's gym. And after I come from Main Street, Box and Gym, 1612, Officer Street, Houston, Texas. Right now, currently, Derek Lewis was USC fighter that we had in there.
That was a champion. Shakira Foster is the WC 130 champion. Regent's people. He's about to fight David Haney.
He's the 140 WC champion. So I'm in Austin, tried as a bad knuckle. He just wanted to be a knuckle championship. So I'm in the gym with pros, Todd, Manuel, all these guys, that's pros.
And this is why I train with all the time. You remember him? Yeah. This is the people listening to Jim.
And then it's a lot of great fighters in his gym. So the guy did in fight, right? No, he tried it. He still went.
I went out to Jack and told this man, you're not going to really win this one. So then what it has that got? I walk out, he's standing in front of my truck. He took his glasses off and took his head off.
And I'm like, OK. And it's very quick because I think people always think that you're a street fighter or you fight in the streets. You think that the first thing, your first shot is the face. Yeah.
He throw his little punch, hard step inside with the slip. Hook to the body. Boom. Hook to the, and someone's you turn.
Boom. Hook to the body. And I step back one, two on the ground. Hey, man, let me get my keys from the ballet.
Yeah. Ow. You don't get in trouble when you do that? I'm in my neighborhood.
Man. The Jason Ells Show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com slash Ellis and get on your way to being the best you. Imagine a world where your own brain is not your own mortal enemy.
I think, at least on this show, we've been saying it for decades now. There's no stigma. You know what? You know what?
There should be a stigma on going through your entire life, shooting yourself in the foot over and over and over again and not talking to somebody who was trained to help you with it. Or wearing sketches. Some idiot named Sal told you that it was lame to get therapy in 1986. The amount of bros that DM me with like, dude, what should I do?
And I'm like, you should ask a professional. Yeah. I'm a lunatic. I don't give good advice.
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I've had enough of those low cost freelance alleyway therapists. You got to make sure they have a degree and BetterHelp. I'm a good uncle Bill in the alleyway and he's never any help. BetterHelp has vetted all these people.
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What you said it was a police officer. It was telling me shouldn't do it. I don't have a neighborhood. I don't have a neighborhood.
That's my problem. My neighborhood. Yesterday I went on my bike up the street to go get a smoothie from the, what's that? What's that healthy place?
Creation. Yeah. I was like, I'm going to stand on and I start walking towards to go in the creation. And there's this dude on the phone standing in front of the door and I walk up and he doesn't move.
And then I'm like, move dude. And he, and he's like, oh, I did or some shit like, and I was like, what? And then I went in and I was like, what the hell? Did you just talk back to me about it?
Like I want to get my smoothie. I come out of my, and he's still on the phone and I'm like, you got something to say, Dick aid? And he was like, oh, come on down. I'm like, I'm not your bro, piss face.
You want to get ended right now? And he was like, no. And I was like, well then shut up. And then I rode off.
I didn't fight him, but I would have. And he started it. That's for sure. He started because he saw me walking.
It's one door. It's not a two door. It's a one door. Oh, bro.
What? Get out of the way. Like who are you? I don't have time for your shit.
I was like, I could have said, do you want to get ended? I did. There's no doubt in my mind that the guy was talking to heard me say it to the fact that he asked you want to get in it? No.
No. No. No. Yeah.
What I'm saying. That's the day I took that. Yeah. That is my worst Bye.
I know it's about was what I've been doing to Wall Street. That's in half my heart. What just happened. You remember.
I was like, what's wrong with my book? What I heard about. Wait, a minute. Yeah, the word was different because face flip-flip.
I was trying some way more strain. There's a seabomb ready to go at all time So it's David it's like this weird old instinct because it's not I don't use it. I don't need it, you know I would love to play Australia. Yeah, why haven't you because they're loving nobody is an American comedian's nail I thought they have never invited me to Australia.
Yeah, you should definitely go man I would love seems like they really want to see American style comedy because it from what I hear all these other guys ago Yeah, they're killing it when they go it seems to me like maybe even more than like stand-up specials like podcasts or so International that that so you know that is you know that guy and then that guy's on that person talking belly went right You start listening to their show and all of a sudden, you know all the American comedians that way I think I should get a podcast. You know everyone. No, it's it's a commitment and you have you seem like your life It's like you train a lot. You gotta you got a comedy.
You gotta you gotta travel you gotta tour you gotta it's a lot Like I've noticed since I started doing comedy that Podcast of course that helps but it's it's more of a job than my comedy. I get eats my time more than stand up It seemed like a lot of prep work. Yeah, and like and it's like it's not one show. It's a it's every show every week It's with a new person you need to find somebody you want to talk to like you're today easy We I'm like this is gonna be great.
You're similar We're there's not gonna be like cuz sometimes people come in and they're not like And they're like what the hell's wrong with this guy, you know I'm not gonna convince him for 29 that I'm not gonna like cut their face off Believe it or not. Not everybody loves the song in the smoke I'm telling you I know it's hard to convince people that you're not gonna face off when there's definitely a knife right here And definitely this is a pretty cool knife to yeah, I do radio right yeah, I do radio from two to six in Houston every You know we you're on shut. I want to show. Oh, that's um, that's it's me I'm a guy named funky Larry Jones, which he's been doing really over 50 years.
He makes it very very easy His birthday is October 16th, right? Yeah, so it is a I'm the 17 So he is very similar to me. So it's easy to talk. Just even talk.
We all just had a birthday. Yeah Birthday. Yeah, everybody else. Yeah, we're 11th.
They love it. Yeah, you're leaver. Yeah, perfect Balance even your craziness balance. Yeah, I had a boxing event this weekend where you want no I had an event I've run this event I've been doing it for like 20 years It's like comedy boxing where I get people because the first time I had a pro MMA fight it changed my life You know me like cutting weight and like you know just knowing instead of like having a fight planning in six weeks You're gonna fight somebody it's way more nerve-wracking, you know, and it's a trained guy So really the dedication I put in all the training it made me a tougher person not physically like but my heart Like I tested it a lot and got to know myself in a way that I was so grateful for that I told everybody on the radio you got to try this like maybe not maybe not my level But I can organize an event where you put 16 ounce gloves on head gear and you guys fight and you make everyone get stung I'm just gonna end it because I'm not trying to get anybody really hurt But you will get a fight like a real fight so I've just started doing that in the gym at my gym with like 25 people the first one Yeah, and that was like a legal capacity.