Hi, this is Janet Lansbury. Welcome to Unruffled. Today I'm going to be consulting with a parent who describes what she's going through as an existential parenting crisis. She's worried.
She's worried that she might be ruining her child with her gentle, respectful approach, that maybe her daughter's gonna end up being a spoiled brat and that she could be teaching her that screaming and kicking her when she's upset is okay. She obviously doesn't want to teach those things. And I'm looking forward to hearing more about what's going on with her and her daughter and how I can help clarify the approach that I believe will serve her very, very well. Hi.
Thank you for being here. Thank you. The way I usually like to start these is, if you don't mind, I'd like to read the note that you sent me. Yeah, okay.
Because it was such a thoughtful note and you phrased everything so well. And I think it's quite clear. So let's. Hi, Janet.
I'm having a bit of an existential parenting crisis and I'm hoping you can somehow put my fears to rest. Online, I see so many posts and videos of people talking about how Gen Alpha is the worst and gentle parenting is ruining our kids. Teachers claim that kids are the most disrespectful and unmotivated they've ever been and that millennial parents care more about their children's feelings than ensuring they know how to treat other people. And when I see these things, and as my 24 month old daughter is kicking and screaming because I have to put diaper rash cream on her bottom, it could be any reason, but this is one that happened recently.
I really have to wonder if I'm doing the right thing by simply doing it as calmly as I can and acknowledging her feelings. You really don't want to do this right now. And I have to put it on. Sometimes during these moments, I imagine there's a camera crew in my room and everyone is watching the scene unfold.
I imagine they are commenting on what a pushover parent I am, allowing my daughter to kick at me and scream in my face like that. How that kind of behavior should be totally unacceptable and what a spoiled brat she's going to grow up being. And I have to wonder, what am I teaching my daughter in those moments? Am I teaching her that screaming and kicking me when she's upset is okay because it's not okay for her to treat me or anyone else that way?
And I would put it down as one of my parenting goals? To make sure she learns that. Wouldn't it serve that purpose better if I responded instead angrily, hey, that hurts my ears, and I don't deserve to be for taking care of you. You need to stop it right now.
I know that's shaming, but also, doesn't it take a little shame to learn how not to treat people? I don't want any of this to sound like her behavior is threatening to me in any way. I can handle my daughter and all of her biggest outbursts. And I've done it up to this point without the use of punishments or shaming, lecturing or yelling.
And that is the path I want to continue down, because it's the kind of parent I truly want to be, thanks to you and the tremendous luck I had in stumbling upon your podcast several years ago, without which I would have never known about this kind of approach. But I'm just having some serious doubts right now about the kind of person I'm encouraging my daughter to be in these moments. Am I ruining my child? Thank you so much for everything you do.
So I'm assuming that all of this is still fresh in your mind, the way that you feel. I know it usually takes a couple weeks for us to get together and talk about what you sent me, but is this still the way you're feeling? Yeah. You know, I feel like I'm at a point where I've been following this approach from the very beginning.
I meant it when I said it was tremendous luck coming across your podcast, because I would have never known about this type of parenting otherwise. Or maybe I would have found out later, but I happened to come upon it before I became a parent, and it was such a perspective change, and I still do really believe in it, but I'm just at a point now in my parenting journey where I'm just starting to doubt some things and wondering if it's enough. Right. Like, when she's having these behaviors, is it enough for me to just acknowledge how she's feeling?
And is that gonna be enough to teach her, you know, for her to learn what I want her to learn, which is, you know, how to treat people? And I'm sure you probably see it on social media and on the Internet. There's just a lot of stuff being said right now about, you know, respectful parenting or gentle parenting. I think the two kind of mean the same thing.
And that's also kind of played into my fears and my doubts as well. I understand. I think everything you said here is very valid. Every concern that you're having Makes sense.
And I actually think this is a great place for you to be in. In your journey right now because it's going to cause you to, I don't know, get to the next point in your development as a parent. I mean, we're all constantly developing as parents because this is about a relationship, right? So this is going to propel you forward, I think, you know, through this discussion.
And this is interesting for me because a lot of times when I'm responding to people's questions, I have some sense of what I want to share with them that's gonna help them, but I really don't have that much sense of this yet. I have a lot of questions for you. You just said something, though, that gentle parenting and respectful parenting are the same. And I don't really know if that's true.
I started calling this respectful parenting. And when people say, you know, what do you think about gentle parenting? Or are you doing gentle parenting? I ask them to define what that means, because I really don't know.
I know what I'm referring to when I say respectful parenting, but I don't know what gentle parenting is exactly referring to. And I think a lot of times it is permissive parenting. There is this big sort of birth of excitement and interest in letting kids have feelings. And when I first started blogging, coming up on exactly 15 years ago, nobody was talking about this.
So now it seems like everybody's talking about this and maybe it is being taken to an extreme in some ways. So I want to really try to clarify what I recommend and also hear what's going on. So when a child is behaving like this, to some extent, it's typical toddler behavior, but it's not without reason. So why do you think she has such strong resistance to things like this that are going to help her?
And it'd be great to hear other examples of when she's behaving like that, because you're right, it's not okay, and it's not the way you want it to be with people. And understanding the reason can help us know how to respond to this more effectively. Yeah, Just touching on what you said earlier with the gentle parenting. It's not exactly what you're teaching in your podcast.
It's similar. It's like you said, I think it looks a little different with each probably, but I think it is just kind of in general, prioritizing more the child's emotions and not using punishments or staying away from shaming and things like that. And what you said about, about Permissive parenting that I think is my fear. Because I really feel like with this approach, it is so nuanced, as you know, And I feel like with maybe people with my personality, it can be kind of like this slippery slope to permissive parenting.
If we focus too much on the feelings and not enough on the boundaries and the discipline, I get caught on that slope a lot. I think that's where a lot of my fear is. Maybe I am being too permissive, but I don't know. And the behaviors, you know, she's.
She's 25 months now, and really some big behavior started around 18 months. That was right when her baby sister was born. And I, like, I said, listen to all of your podcasts. So I knew, I was like, okay, we're having a baby.
This is gonna kind of rock our world. Like, I was anticipating that there was gonna be some behavioral challenges. And I was right. And, you know, kind of got through that.
And then things were good. And then, I don't know, she turned to and whoa. The behaviors have just totally escalated. I mean, these crazy tantrums, right, for seemingly very small reasons.
You know, like, I gotta put diaper paste on your bottom. That was the one I, you know, wrote to you about. But I mean, it could be anything. It could be, you know, my cracker broken.
You can't fix it. All of a sudden, boom, she's on another level and can't be reached, right? She's seeing red, screaming super loud. Like, wake the dead screaming.
And this happens multiple times a day. And yeah, it really got me worried. I'm missing something here because this isn't getting better, it's getting worse. And I feel like maybe I'm going down the wrong path or there's something that I'm doing wrong, something I'm missing in my approach.
How old is the baby now? She's seven months. And is she crawling or she's kind of like trying to scoot. She's rolling over like crazy.
And she can navigate her way around her, you know, little safe space. But not full on crawling yet. No. Has anything else happened?
Is your daughter, older daughter, going to care or making any changes? Well, there was a big change, but this was about two months ago. We moved houses, but other than that, nothing. Nothing recently.
I mean, she had her birthday and that was, you know, a month ago. And I don't know, I'm racking my brain trying to think of something that that might. And we live a very simple life. I mean, we've got our little routine each day we're not doing anything crazy.
Just. Just me and the girls at home most of the time. That's lovely. Honestly.
It is. Yeah. It's really nice and I enjoyed a lot. But, you know, with.
With her having these intense tantrums, that has made it a little. A little difficult, a little less fun. Yeah, exactly. Not always so much fun.
Oi. Yeah. Well, can you talk a little about how you are responding just moment to moment? Let's think about an example that happened recently.
Either the diaper one or another one. Like the thing that was broken. What was the thing that was broken and you couldn't fix it? A cracker?
Yeah. Wow. So I've worked with a lot of children actually around this age who have reactions to things getting broken. I have the idea that it's symbolic of that lack of control that they feel in their world, that a part of them at this age is wanting to be more independent and more in control.
But by going there, they're also realizing that there's a lot of things that are out of their control, like the sister and the parents feelings about the sister and where I fit in and just the way things go in a day. That part of me wants to be this giant person in life right now at this age, and the other part is realizing that I'm actually small and not that powerful. It's one of the push pulls that children go through at this age. It's a time of so many mixed emotions, as you've heard me talk about.
And this is why I focus on these toddler years, because there's so much going on, so much shifting of their whole sense of self. They're learning and developing so quickly. So it is a dysregulating time in and of itself. These episodes that she's having these tantrums, or we want to call them meltdowns or tantrums, but they are physiological, as you said.
She's unreachable. There's nothing you can do once she's gone there. As far as putting a tiger cream on or something, I think I would wait for her to calm down before doing that, if possible, because she. She can't stop herself.
And I wouldn't want you to be in the way of her kicking and lashing out like that. That's not good for you and it's not a good message to give her. So let's go back to the cracker. Broke.
She got upset. Were you trying to fix the cracker for her? No, I wasn't trying to fix it, but I was trying to explain because I can sense it's coming, right? Like, she's like, getting upset.
Oh, you know, she start getting rigid. And I'm like, all right, here we go. Okay. And of course, like I said several times I've listened to all your podcasts.
I still, I still, every time this happens, try to stop it. So I'm like, I can't fix it. I can get you a different cracker. I can get you a new one, you know, oh, no, that doesn't help.
The train has left the station and this meltdown's going to happen, right? But I still find myself pushing against it, like, ah, maybe we can, you know, do something to stop it. And that's just. I don't know if I'll ever get over that impulse.
Because once the train has left the station, it usually means 20 to 45 minutes of screaming and just thrashing, kicking. And so what I have been doing is, if she's not already in her safe space, which is her nursery, I will bring her there. Because if her sister is around the baby, she gets very upset when my toddler starts screaming like that, because it's. I mean, it's loud.
It's very unpleasant to listen to. It's actually intolerable after several minutes. It makes the baby upset, and then the baby's crying, and this happens almost every time. And so I.
I feel like I need to remove her. She can cry, she can have her meltdown, she can have her feelings. I'm not trying to stop it, but she's got to do it in her nursery because it's disrupting everyone else. And I don't know if that's the right thing to do.
You know, I actually called my mom yesterday because I was having these thoughts and just thinking, you know, I would have never done this when I was that age, you know, and then I thought, I actually don't have any memories from when I was 2 years old. And so I called my mom and I said, hey, tantrums. Did I. Did I have tantrums when I was 2 years old?
And she said, yes, she said I had crazy tantrums, kind of like what my daughter's having. And I have five siblings, and none of them had tantrums like that. It was just me. I just had an intensity for whatever reason.
And she used to put me in my room, but she would lock the door and close it. And I do have memories of that. I have memories of the door being closed, of me kicking the door, of me just feeling so angry. That I was locked in that room.
And so I will put my daughter in her nursery, but I will leave the doors open and I will try to be with her for however long I can tolerate it. And that might be a couple minutes. And then I feel my blood starting to boil, and I'm just in discomfort because of the volume, and I have to go and take a break or sometimes I have to go and do something like feed the baby, you know, and I might be gone for 10 minutes or something, then I'll come back. And I always try to come back so she doesn't feel like she's being locked in a room, so she doesn't feel like she's in a timeout, so to speak.
And I don't know if that's the right thing to do, but I don't know any other way to address it. Wow, this is so fascinating that you found this out about yourself. And, yeah, that's the interesting thing is that most of us don't really remember very much about this most formative time in our life. So it's possible, too, that there's something getting tipped off in you that's making you afraid.
As you said, you have this urge to try to stop her from going there. Maybe there's a part of you that does remember, or as you say, you do remember being alone, and that's coming up for you, making it even harder to let her go there. Now, as far as moving her away and the baby and everything, this is a question I commonly get. What do I do?
The baby's crying, too, and now I have to do something special to move the older one away because she's upsetting the baby. I mean, it's understandable for the sound to upset anyone. Oftentimes, though, and there is science behind this. Babies are.
When they hear crying, when they hear screaming, they tend to do it as well. It's actually an early form of empathy. They can feel scared, but they feel scared based on how we feel usually. And I'm glad that you got this confirmation from your mother that makes you realize, oh, maybe it is just a normal transition that children go through.
Maybe it is. Okay, that's important for you to know. And I have to touch back on this whole thing about feelings because you said all this focus on feelings. I don't believe in focus on feelings.
I don't want to be putting that forward. What I'm teaching is respectful relationships where there's trust, where there's allowing you to be who you are, allowing you to share what you're feeling. And in this case, she's becoming totally dysregulated. It's not even about a feeling anymore.
It starts with a feeling, and then it goes off into something that has a life of its own, where it seems like I'm focusing on feelings. That's part of the dynamic of being able to set limits, that I know that that's part of the deal that things are going to happen, things that I say no to or I have to set a limit. And that's my job, to do it with confidence and then to see it as normal and a right of yours to respond however you naturally respond and not to feel responsible for fixing matter. Whenever I think when you say schools are reporting that kids are worse behaved and not motivated and all that, I have an idea where that comes from.
And it comes from feeling sorry for a child for every feeling that they have, feeling like we have to protect them from every feeling that they have. And I guess that's another way of focusing on feelings. But my focus on feelings is, yeah, bring it on. Like, if it's in there, I want it to come out.
It's not something I caused maybe by doing a normal thing or just by life, by you breaking a cracker. This is coming out of you, and that means it needed to really badly. And I'm not gonna do anything to get in the way of that. Ideally, I would just let it happen where it's happening.
So I'm not making this whole big event. First of all, I was starting to kind of project to you that I'm not comfortable by trying to talk you out of it. And then I'm taking you somewhere else, because now I'm worried about seeing the baby, like all of that discomfort and you feeling like this is this event, this is this problem that's what's getting in the way. And I think may creating more of this because it comes from a sense of safety.
And if you could feel safer with the idea of this is a child who blows their top at this age and it probably will only last a year, this is what she does. This is how she functions. I mean, how is she when she's not like that? She's probably great, right?
Oh, she's fantastic. Yeah, she's wonderful. She's a wonderful kid. Yeah.
So she's operating on a high level. And children like that, the venting is as powerful as the way that they operate when they're feeling good. So I'm really glad you brought up that there's so much focus on feelings now, because I think that's true. And I think that what I hear from parents sometimes is that they feel, oh, you feel bad that I set this limit, and now I should feel something about you feeling bad that I set this limit?
No, you get to feel bad that I said this limit. I'm doing my job. I'm doing a really good job as a parent, because we are. We're doing a hard job.
We're doing a heroic job. And especially with what she's going through, she's going to fall apart, and she needs to. That's a healthy, good thing for her to do. I think if you start to see it that way, you'll see that even.
Even the baby won't scream as much or cry as much about it because you're feeling safe about it. You're feeling comfortable with this idea that this is part of the way this girl rolls. And it's great that maybe now that, you know, you roll that way, too. So it's just something she's going through.
The way she's coming together and developing is to fall apart a lot. If you could see that as positive. I definitely have been pumping the brakes a bit on these. These outbursts because they last so long and they're so intense.
Honestly, that's just such a good reminder for me to, like, lean into it. But, you know, you talk about this a lot. A lot. And even after hearing it so many times, it is so hard to fully embrace.
It really is. Yeah. For everyone. Yeah.
But, like, I jokingly would tell myself when I first started listening to this, I need to, like, brainwash myself or, like, unbreak myself. I was just devouring all of your stuff because it is so hard to change perspective on that kind of stuff. It just feels so ingrained in me. I don't know why.
I don't know why exactly that is, but it's so hard for me to feel good about. Not. Not even good, but to feel okay with these kind of outbursts, these moments where she. It just seems like she's so out of control.
And I do imagine that, you know, people looking at me would be like, what is going on there? Like, you don't have any control of your kid. And funny enough, this actually did happen one time in public. It happened at a birthday party.
It was time to leave, and I went and got my daughter's shoes. She didn't want to leave, and it was a big outburst. And so I. I knew what to do because I listened to your podcast and I was like, Okay, I gotta, I gotta pick her up and I gotta, you know, carry her out.
I gotta. And we gotta put the shoes on and we just gotta go. She needs my help. I was like, all right, I got this, you know, So I get her shoes and I pick her up.
I'm gonna go get your shoes on. We're leave. And I mean, she was crying for maybe two minutes. And not, not crying, screaming, right.
This is, I mean, like I said, just ear splitting screaming. And another parent comes over and completely takes over, completely takes over and, you know, is talking to my child, trying to calm her down. I felt really crappy about myself because I felt like these parents think I don't have any control of my child. They, they think I don't know what I'm doing.
That's what it looks like. And that really makes me feel self conscious. Even when I'm alone at home and this type of stuff is happening. That's what I'm thinking.
I'm thinking as I'm trying to do a difficult diaper change or something like that. And I'm trying to, you know, put these principles into practice. I'm trying to, like, elicit some cooperation instead of just demanding, you know, that she lay on her back while I do this or I'm. I'm trying to work with her or do that dance you talk about, you know, And I imagine that to other people, it doesn't look like I'm in control there.
I would imagine that it looks like my kid is kind of walking all over me and calling the shots. And it makes me worry when I, when I think about that, where I'm like, okay, is that what's happening? Am I doing too much here? Am I giving her too much power here?
And it's that slipper slope. Am I really doing this respectful parenting or am I just a permissive parent? And what kind of kid is she gonna grow up to be? You know, Is she gonna be behaving this way at 6 years old?
At 10 years old? You know what? Those are my fears. What kind of kid is, is she gonna grow up to be?
You know, is she gonna be behaving this way at 6 years old? At 10 years old? You know, those are my fears. Yeah, exactly.
It's that part where you're kind of going, oh, in your mind, this is gonna be a problem. Instead of, you know, what? If she goes, she goes. It's gonna be the best thing for her.
I'm not gonna be rejoicing and happy about it, of course, but that Little bit of emotional separation you can have around it where it's not gonna destroy your whole day and make you feel awful. I just wanna go back and ask you about the party. I mean, I don't know why that lady came into that, but she probably didn't agree with the way you were doing it. But did you feel confident?
Like, I've got this, I just gotta get her out of here and I know what to do. Or were you feeling like, oh, everybody's looking at me and this is a problem and I'm not comfortable and I can't do this. And I. So I felt confident until I picked her up and she was still screaming.
And then I was like, oh, yeah, everyone's looking at me. So I tried to bring her somewhere private and this, this lady followed me, I guess. So it didn't really work out. But yeah, I definitely was like, oh my God.
Like everybody's, everybody's looking at me and she's screaming bloody murder. And could you have just grabbed the shoes and taken her out and not tried to put her shoes on and do the whole thing? Yeah, so I took her to the back room. And little caveat here, just so you can understand where my brain was at.
This was a. It was a big, spacious house with all hardwood flooring. It echoed. There was not one place in the house I don't think I could have gone where her screens would not have echoed throughout the entire house.
So I went to the furthest reach of the house I could and I tried to put her shoes on. She was kicking, kicking. And I abort a mission. I was like, okay, you know what, we're gonna go to the car without shoes.
So I picked her up, I had her shoes, and as I was leaving, that's when the lady met me. And yeah, like I said, completely took over, started. Oh, what's going on? Are you, are you feelings her?
Are you okay? Who's that on your shirt? Is that Mickey Mouse? Is that Pluto?
What sound does a dog making? I actually ended up crying on my way home because I felt, I felt like such. I just thought, one, everyone thinks I don't have control of my daughter. Two, now my daughter's got this reputation of having these terrible tantrums, you know, which she does.
So, you know, anybody that doesn't understand that from a two year old and they have their own kids, they could not get that. I mean, I know some people have more than others, but I just felt terrible. I felt like such a failure as a parent. It sounds like her way is to make the child feel better.
And that's exactly what I was talking about before, that this is a message we get, beginning with a baby, that our job is to make you feel better. Sure, a lot of times they do need something and we should, as soon as possible, try to get them that food or whatever they need. But other times, it's not our job to try to make them stop crying. It's our job to try to understand and let them share and let them express it, let them communicate it.
What I'm saying is accept the feelings. Accepting the feelings is the opposite of let me talk to you about your shirt so that you don't feel like that anymore. The talking you out of your feelings is what causes children, in my view, to go on to not be able to handle the ups and downs of daily life. And therefore, you know, they can't be motivated because, ooh, I can't risk.
I don't ever feel bad. I've been taught that that's not a healthy thing, that I should be afraid of that because everyone's been talking me out of it and this is how I'm going into life. It's not healthy. It doesn't help you with peers when you feel like everything needs to fix your feelings all the time.
So I'm saying the opposite. And my note to you, though, about leaving the party is, don't wait so long. Once you see her starting to go off, now that you know that this is the way she rolls, this was the way that you rolled. And I still think, you know, it's really good for you to look at that, because there's probably fear that's coming from that, that you were alone, you were locked in, you had nobody, you were isolated, you were kind of rejected and abandoned.
All of that is probably gonna come up for you each time. But once you see her starting and you're in a place like that, get her out. Grab the shoes, get her out. The longer you wait, the harder it's gonna be for her and for you.
Oh, for sure. One thing I do wanna say, though, is in talking to my mom about, you know, my tantrums as a child, which was super helpful, she mentioned that she would bring me to my room and she would. She would lock the door. And I do remember that.
I just want to say it didn't affect my relationship with my mom. I will say, though, as an adult, the emotion I struggle with most is anger. And that's why I have been afraid to kind of shut the door on my daughter when she's going through that. Because I wonder if maybe I just needed someone to, like, process it with, or maybe I just needed someone to listen.
And it might not even have anything to do with that, but that might be a thing. But then what you said earlier really, really hit home for me when you said your approach isn't trying to focus on the feelings. It's trying to focus on the relationship. That's where I kind of had that question in my letter about when she's kicking me or, like, the other day, she scratched me, you know?
And that question I had of, is acknowledgin feelings going to be enough to teach her not to do that? Isn't there learning in a little bit of shame? And I'm like, that sounds terrible. Like, I don't want to shame my daughter.
But if I were to react differently, you know, when she scratched me the other day, what I did was I. I said, ow. And then I was thinking, I'm like, okay, wait, this is important how I respond to this. And so I said, I don't want you to scratch me.
Here's your elephant. Scratch your elephant if you want to scratch. And then you know what you did? She did it again.
She scratched me again. And then I remembered, okay, wait, I have to. I have to physically stop this. I can't just say, I don't want you to do this.
I have to also stop. So then I said, okay, I'm not gonna let you do that again. And I put my hand up, and then she tried again, and I stabbed her. And that was the end of that.
And then we moved on with our day. We didn't talk about it. What I'm wondering is, is that enough? Because what I really wanted to tell her was, hey, you just scratched me for no reason, and, ouch.
Why'd you do that? That's fine. Yeah, Definitely want to say, oh, no, I'm not gonna let you do that. Putting your hand up.
You didn't see me right now, but as soon as I said it, I was putting my hand up. And maybe if her hand is flailing around, I'm grabbing her hand. You know, I mean, not hurting her, but I'm being very effective at not letting her hurt me. And it's okay to be mad there and say, like, ouch.
What are you doing? I don't need to do that. Okay, that. That's where I have understood fully your approach.
I have been thinking this entire time that I cannot communicate any anger or annoyance with her, because that's Shaming. So when that kind of thing happens, I've been very even keeled, even a little forced, trying to be humorous about it or whatever, for fear of shaming and coming across as, I don't know, reprimanding. But on the inside, yeah, I am annoyed and I am a little angry and I'm like, hey, what the heck? Why'd you just do that?
So when she scratched me the other day, that's kind of what I wanted to say, but I didn't. I was like, I don't want you to do that. Here's your elephant if you want to scratch. You know, just very kind of matter of fact, and that was my question in my letter.
I feel like it would be teaching her more if I were to get a little upset when I feel a little upset. Yeah. So even the title of my podcast, Unruffled, it's about with the tantrums. Let's say that you see this as normal and okay, that this is what your girl does, and from there you actually feel unruffled.
Our insides always have to match our outsides. And children like her that are perceptive, as most of them are so sensitive to your feelings, it makes her want to hit again. When the way you're acting on the outside is not matching what she knows that you're feeling or senses that you're feeling underneath. Not exactly.
Just know exactly what you're feeling, but she's sensing the vibrations and then you're kind of choking it and saying something else and maybe even being pretend light about it when you don't feel like that. What I'm putting forward, what I'm trying to teach, and you're not going to be there right away, it's going to take a little while. But a way to actually understand the way your particular child is so you know you're not getting taken aback by everything that they do. So, yeah, she's doing that stuff.
Have an honest reaction. That's not shaming at all. That's honest. That's her saying, oh, mom is in there.
I felt her in there, but she's got this mask on her face. And that is another way that children feel uncomfortable in the house because it's scary that there's something going on there that's not being said. There's just these undertones that are scary. So that affects children's general sense of comfort, too.
You don't see what the type of person that's going to be. You're the worst child in the world. I mean, that's what shaming is. How could you do such a thing?
You're a terrible person. I mean, putting you in the room with the door locked is shaming. I'm not saying that would always affect your relationship with your mother, but it affects your feelings about yourself. And maybe that's where some of that anger is.
If there's shame in there that you feel like you don't have a right to talk back or be angry or any of that. But that's shaming. Not being your honest self in a very reasonable way. Like, why the heck are you hitting me?
Ouch, that hurts. Cut it out. I should give more examples like that. I'm sorry.
I feel like I've let you down here, that I. You haven't gotten that from me. No, I'm sure you have communicated it. I just.
It's like I said, it's so hard to make this huge mental shift and to like, fully get. Because it's just a very nuanced approach. I've gone through your no Bad Kids. I've gone through the book twice, and I've gone through your program twice.
And really, you took the course. Oh, thank you. I did. Yes, I did.
And I got through it twice. I went through it when it came out and again when my daughter was born in preparation for. Because I knew we were probably going to be dealing with some increased behaviors. And even the second time I went through it, I'm like, oh, my gosh, there's so much here that just, you know, what?
In one ear and out the other. Because it's. It's just so much to absorb. It's a whole mental shift.
And that's another thing I'm afraid of. I'm afraid this is such a nuanced approach that if I get one thing wrong, is the whole system gonna come toppling down? Right. Like, if I'm good in this area, but I'm bad in this area, especially the boundary setting and stuff, am I gonna become a permissive parent?
Is my kid gonna grow up to be. You know, like I said, the stuff that's being said about Gen Alpha right now is terrible. And a lot of what teachers are talking about right now. I used to be a teacher on my top middle school fan.
I even saw it then. But I don't know. There are just a lot of kids who aren't motivated, who disregard authority. Right.
They don't care about rules, they're demanding, they're entitled to authority. They lack self discipline. That was my whole fear, was that I was sliding into permissiveness And I wasn't dealing with these behaviors well enough. I wasn't fully getting this approach.
And, you know, my life is like the intro to an episode of Supermanny where, you know, the kids are. The kids are totally out of control. And Superman's watching the tape and she's like, this is crazy. These parents have no control.
What are they doing? And sometimes I kind of feel that way, and it makes me really worried. But I feel so much better after talking to you because it just clarified for me that I am going in the right direction with this stuff. As you say in almost every single one of your podcasts, I just need to lean into the feelings more to, like, fully accept them and welcome them.
I know you say roll out the red carpet all the time, and I don't know why it still doesn't click for me. I don't know. Well, it's very, very challeng. I just want to say there's not good or bad ways to do this.
There's ways that are going to feel better to you, and the more you get into believing in yourself. So when I talk about relationships, it's not just, oh, that we're making this perfect relationship for our child. It's about us. That we're being ourselves, that we're being honest, that we're having personal boundaries, which is a lot of the problem.
If we want to talk about maybe kids today, how they're turning out is the parent can't say no. And when I say roll out the red carpet, roll out the red carpet and let go of it. Let them do it. Don't try to get involved.
We're not trying to hold their hand and help them or do something about it. It's just letting the flow of feelings go on and you realizing this is just the way she is right now and it's okay. Start to see the beginnings of it and instead of wanting to stop it, want it to just go. Because it'll be much shorter if you have this attitude.
I promise each one of these episodes will be much, much shorter. When you really feel totally okay about it, not great about it. You don't love it, but you feel okay about it. That you're doing the right thing, that you're actually being a hero right there.
And you're being a hero when you just grab everything and get her out of the party. Not letting her build up and start to hurt you or whatever, and also won't let her kick you on the diaper table. Take her right down if she's on a table still. And is she standing on the floor?
How is she? No, we're mad on the floor right now. Well, just do your best. Put it back on and say get up.
Oh, no, I'm not letting you kick me. No way. Be good to yourself. Be protective of yourself.
Be nice to yourself. Don't let somebody mess with you that's two years old or any age. You deserve to be respected in that way. And she will learn that if you believe in it, if you believe in yourself, if you allow that conflict of her not getting what she wants and going all the way off to some wild extreme about it, you've done your job, which is to be clear, have boundaries, teach you the lessons that way, just through the day to day together.
And she'll learn things like things crack. We don't control a lot of stuff. And, oh, it feels like the end of the world. Right?
And that's okay for you to feel like that because it's not really just about a cracker. It's not really just about a diaper cream. It's just the feelings that I have in each two. And it's so scary.
But you can be the stabilizing factor here if you stick up for yourself and believe in yourself as worthy. I mean, that's the track that I had to go for myself to see. It's not as loving to her for me to try to help her avoid feeling all of things. You know, it's.
It's loving if I'm strict. I feel I'm very, very strict. I know some people don't think that my approach, but it feels very, very strict to me because I don't let kids run around the store. I don't let kids run around with food if they have something like that.
I take it away, you know, but not angrily, from a place of heroic leadership. That's how I come to see this. And that feels good. When you're.
When you're in those grooves, even if it's just a flash here and there, try to hold on to that and remember that feeling because that's where you want to keep landing. But in the meantime, there's no good or bad or anything else. It's just what's. What's in a groove that you want to be in, which is this confident, heroic leader that lets her have her side and be in conflict with you a lot and be in conflict with life a lot.
Conflict is good. You don't try to fix her. You let her be fully who she is. Yeah.
Oh, man, thank you. I'll definitely be listening to this podcast anytime. I need more encouragement. And I think that if you're already on the course, if you go back to that again, just try to see it, that it's as much about us being in the relationship as it is about responding to our kids.
And it just becomes the way that we see. And you are already getting glimpses of this. When you left that party, I just wanted to do it right away with that heroic motive. The lady walks up like, bye, here we go.
And she's not gonna get a chance to do her shtick. Yeah, That's. Yeah. Just a really good reminder in that relationship piece.
I think a lot of parents probably forget about themselves being a piece of that as well. And, oh, man, I do a lot. And, like, I had this epiphany as you were saying, that that's what's going to teach her how to treat other people or not treat other people 100%. Yeah.
Just clicked. I just clicked. Because you represent every other person in her life, especially authority figures, but also peers, everybody. You are representing all those people.
That's why this relationship is so important. And that's why you getting to take care of you in this relationship is so important. Because if you don't show her this, then it's going to be much harder for her to learn it. You're this powerful model that can show her.
No, you don't get to hit people. Are you kidding me? No. You want me to do this now?
I'm not going to do it now. I'll tell you when I'm ready to do it. It'll be soon. If that makes you fall apart, then you need to fall apart.
It's not my fault. Yeah. You know, you love her and she knows it, too. You don't have to prove it to her with anything nice about everything.
And now feelings are not this precious, delicate thing. They're strong, healthy thing that we all have. I've definitely been treating her feelings as delicate. I've been focusing on them too much.
Yes. I think that's the kind of extremism that could be happening now with social media. You're hearing it from so many angles, and it just builds up into this huge thing that whenever our child has feelings, it's some opportunity we have to drop everything and be captive to this moment. And.
No, I mean, you're never going to survive that with a girl like her. That's exactly what I've been thinking. I'm like, I don't know if I can do this. You can't, because you're not supposed to, and she wants you not to.
She wants you to just have her be a little girl that just falls apart so much. And you're okay with it. That's what accepting feelings is. You're okay with it?
Yes. And I honestly, after this conversation, believe it or not, I am so excited tomorrow to practice fully being okay with it, fully accepting her. I'm ready. We'll check in with you.
Let me know it's going, please. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah. Thank you so much.
This was so helpful. And I'm. I'm so thrilled that I got to talk to you. You've been like my North Star for my entire parenting journey, all your work.
I can't express enough how. How much of a train I am. Oh, that's so kind of you. Thank you so much.
And I believe in you, and I know you can do this. So please check in with me. Let me know how it's going. Will do.
Will do. Thank you. Thank you.