I'm Richard Serret. Join me on Strange Planet for in-depth conversations with the world's top paranormal investigators alien abductees bigfoot trackers monster hunters time travelers and more The handler one day told her this whole thing about how they've been terraforming on Mars and they're building a colony and they're recruiting specific people Specific bloodlines and specific talents and skill sets to go on to the planet on Richard Serret's Strange Planet We're redefining reality. Listen now wherever you get your podcasts Hello kids, this is Risk the show where people tell true stories. They never thought they'd dare to share I'm Kevin Allison and every Thursday we release these special episodes that were calling classic risk singles each of these episodes features Just one story from the past if you're new to risk You should know that the podcast can be very uncensored now Today's story is by one of our all-time favorite storytellers Molina Williams Haws among other things Molina has a story in the risk book you should definitely check out But what you're about to hear was recorded live at a risk show in 2014 and in the years that followed Molina went on to do something else Something truly extraordinary with more or less some of these same story incidents She worked with the truly genius avant-garde classical composer Georg Friedrich Haws to whom she's now married on creating a music and spoken word piece called hyena And now this is a work of art on a whole other level You should definitely go to youtube and search for hyena world premiere to see and hear some of that version It's mesmerizing.
Anyway without further ado. Here's the version that Molina first shared with us in 2014 in a story we call animal Hi, my name is Molina. I'm an alcoholic Do none of you know what you say next? Thank you I was not one of those pretty polite alcoholics I was the pissed the bed wake up day after day in a blackout drinking a pint of whiskey in the morning to get to the point where I was Not shaking so badly that I could not get dressed and then go to work I was severely addicted to alcohol everyone around me knew it and I knew it for the last three years It was an alcoholic, but I did not give a fuck until the morning that I almost died and wound up in the ER and said okay fine I need some help and friends got me into the only free medically supervised alcohol detox I don't know if you guys know this but alcohol detox is the only one that cold turkey has an 80% chance of having a severe complication If you put a hundred crackheads and a hundred heroin people and a hundred alcoholics cold turkey on an island for a week at the end of the week You have a hundred piss off crackheads a hundred really annoyed skinny heroin people and 90 alcoholics because ten of us would have died of seizures I was in rehab with homeless people With prisoners with one spoiled rich girl from Marin Whose daddy had pulled her funding after the last two stints and fancy rehab The first night I was there I was passed out on my bed and sweating like a horse No one tells you that detox is a horrible terrible thing as I'm laying in this bed on this cot on this mattress It's covered in plastic just in case I piss or shit the bed which is likely when you're detoxing the floor started to bubble And I started to watch it because what the fuck else do I have to do And over the course of the next few hours days minutes I don't fucking know how long it is the bubble in the floor starts getting bigger like the carpet is coming up And I'm looking at it going this is exciting And it gets dark outside and I'm laying and the nurses come in to give me meds every couple of ours and check my vitals and They walk right over the hump as though it's not there I'm not gonna say anything because I don't want to be uncool 2-3 a.m The hump is now three or four feet high in the middle of my room in the detox and suddenly I start crumbling apart as though it were made of dirt or sand or Something very fireball and in the middle of the hump was a four-foot tall smelly hyena Breathing and looking at me and I'm not telling you that I was dreaming I'm telling you that there was a hyena in my room that came out of the floor and looked at me and said hi I'm bubbles And you need to get up out of here and go and get a drink And I said you know I thought that pink elephants was the thing you got I saw the Disney cartoon They were on parade they were quite whimsical This was in fact a stinky hyena breathing in my face and explaining to me that I needed to get up out of there and leave and go and drink And I said to her hey, um, I don't want to do that We almost died you see and we're in rehab and I think actually leaving to drink is exactly what we shouldn't do And she started pacing and screaming and howling and hyenas are not polite animals They do not sit and explain to you they scream at the top of their lungs and tell you why you need to get up and go You proven you could do what you admitted you were not all like that's great You know what we so awesome right now is a planet Jack Daniels everything would feel so much better If you just went out and drank it just go and get it it right up the street.
You don't have to stay here You're not locked in it's okay. You're brave and strong and awesome. Let's get the Jack Daniels. Let's get it.
Let's get it Let's get it. This was a conversation that I had for the next seven hours and then by the time the sun came up You kind of called under the bed I went to the nurse's station had breakfast went to a meeting We had three meetings a day in rehab because what the fuck else do you have to do And every time I went back to my room she would come slithering out from under the bed and put her paws on the edge of my pillow and say Wow, you made it through another afternoon. That's great Can we have some whiskey now? And by the fourth day of this I said well, I should probably mention this to my counselor and I said so hey Is it natural to have hallucinations while you're detoxing?
And she said oh, yeah, you wouldn't believe some of the shit I hear like like animals Just animals people the dead people all kinds of stuff and I said but they're hallucinations right they're not solid right? You can't touch them right? So if there was something that was there that you could touch that would be She said just keep taking your meds And I did and this is a three-week program and by the end of the third week I was pretty convinced that I was having a psychotic break that I lost my mind that I was not gonna spend the rest of my life talking To this for for tall hyena whose one purpose in life was to kill us To drink again And she never got quiet and she never gave up At the end of the third week I'd call some friends to see if I could get some help packing up and going home And they wanted me to go to a halfway house because they said your situation is pretty extreme You're gonna need some help and I said I have to go back. I have cats I need to feed them my friends can't take care of them forever.
I need to get a job and the counselor said You need more help It's not gonna be safe for you to go out there In the state that you're in And I packed my bag that last day put away my stuff Say goodbye to the heroin people in the crackheads I attended my last meeting took the elevator downstairs and walked out into the sun and to my left Just out of a periphery of my vision was this hyena And I could see her in broad daylight and she was not going Anywhere and we walked across the market street and up Valencia Street and passed three liquor stores I made sure to cross the streets. I was not on the same side of them as I went home I figured that at some point she'd go away at what stop and I would go to meetings and other alcohols would say shit like You need to be careful and vigilant about your alcohol because when you're in here in this meeting Your addiction is out there in the parking lot. Do we push up and getting stronger man? And I'm saying the going my addiction is under my chair chewing at my feet It's kind of cool that yours gives you a break sometimes How delightful for you And I spent the next year and a half visualizing night after night taking a lead pipe in my hands And beating the fuck out of this creature this foul filthy disgusting beast who wanted to pull us apart with booze and despair And she would laugh because hyenas are tough I don't know if any of you have seen you know, natural geographic fucking any special on any Animal in the animal kingdom and they can take you from rooting for the zebra to rooting for the lion in show to show to show But I tell you have not seen a show that has presented hyenas as charming wonderful creatures Never And so because I'm a very much in my head person sort of researching hyenas Did you know the 10 percent of a hyena's body weight is in its heart That'd be the equivalent of a 200 pound person having a 20 pound heart they can run forever They can consume every part of an animal and drive nutrition from all of it They are fierce female hyenas are oftentimes almost twice as big as the males and they have a pseudopenas that they make the subordinate hyena's sniff They are a strictly matriarchal clan the women run shit the women give birth through the pseudopenas to be the equivalent of a man giving birth It was dick These are not animals to fuck with And I started telling the story to people because I was too afraid that if I didn't tell someone I was gonna lose my mind And I assume that someone would say to me bitch get some help And the first person told was a therapist and I said I'm not doing that thing in a party where a doctor says Okay, you know your doctor can you help me with my problem?
But I said let me just tell you this thing and if you think that I'm crazy I need help I'll go get help and I told my friend so I had this hyena she appeared in my detox And we hang out now and I try to kill her and she said what is your process like with this animal? And we talked about it she said actually this is a form of therapy you can stall therapy where you remove your shadow self And I finally said so do I need help my crazy shit is no you've actually saved us up a lot of money and therapy bills Just keep talking Don't do what she says but just keep talking I talked to my woo pagan friends who were like oh you're doing shadow work with your like yes yes I talked to a friend of mine who was a rabbi I figured if there's any pragmatic spiritual leader or rabbi will just be like honey I got a number four great therapist And I told her the stories I'm telling it to you what she said to me was How remarkable for you to have an opportunity to see yourself so clearly That's a gift I was writing on the cross town bus one day and it was about a year and a half into this struggle and I'd had my morning fight with her And I had this sudden sensation of her being in front of me again And I looked her in the eye and I said for the first time in a year and a half what do you want? And I saw her little shiny black eyes blink and say I want you to love me I don't think an eye can't tooth that here gross And you tried to kill us so that's not very nice And then I said okay well maybe I can't do that maybe I can't at least embrace this creature And so when I did I realized that what I had felt was a part of myself that I had taken so much pain and effort to push away That I was destroying a piece of myself. This wasn't some alien creature This wasn't some demon and I had taken to calling her that my demon but it wasn't it was just me And when I looked at myself and I said okay, you know what let's see if we can maybe love this creature I realized I couldn't but I could at least try to tolerate her and so I spent time just thinking about what it meant to be that terrified and that scared and that Alone it's not good to let your id run the show because your id does a lot of things like drink when it's freaked out and drink when it's happy and drink drink drink drink You're fucking addict but When you embrace the parts of you that are really terrifying and really ugly you start to realize that those parts also have power And because of a storyteller I figured I wanted to tell this story to other people But I was afraid because what do you say to someone I need you so You'd never guess who my imaginary friend is And she's not imaginary And so to remind myself of the reality of what was happening to me I got a tattoo which I have to this day of course Still which is uh, you know, it's funny because you don't see how you know tattoos But everyone knows who she is when I show them this ink and I was in Sweden earlier this year Was asked on a date by a lovely crazy Swedish boy Who was about 28 so substantially younger than me so I was like I am in the cougar zone It's high-fiving myself on Twitter.
I was like I'm fucking someone 15 years younger than me get sunk And we spent the day out on a lovely date and we were um about to go into the subway and he had his arms around me from behind He was just at that perfect height where he could nibble on the back of my neck and do that super sexy thing And so I was like oh that's really hot he's nibbling on my neck and then suddenly out of nowhere he gave me one of these Kind of growly things which seems contrived and lame and stupid like people do that on time like And it's not sexy But at that moment on that fucking escalator suddenly it was as though the skin of my back had been slipped away And it wasn't me responding to his growling. It was my friend And she woke up with her ears perked forward and said who is that? He's very interesting And mind you he's Swedish and they have all kinds of fascinating belief systems So when I had told him later in the evening as we were making out and getting kind of hot and heavy That was kind of turned on in this kind of fairway. He said well Maybe I'd like to meet your demon And I said well, maybe you will And as we started kissing and making out and fucking at one point He was biting me on the neck really hard which as a masochist and as a sexual deviant imperfect turns me on a lot And the biting intensified into this biting and scratching a claw at the point where he had the flesh of my hips Squeeze so tightly that I could feel it was going to leave a bruise and I like to think was I hope that bruise lasts forever Because this feels so fucking good and the biting intensified to this biting and scraping and scratching And I felt as though the teeth in my head started to get a little bigger And I knew I needed to bite him back and I looked at him and he looked at me and took his forearm and shoved it into my mouth and said Go ahead take it And as I continued to make eye contact with him and pulled back my lips and sank my teeth into his arm My entire body's center and weight shifted And I could see him see us and see me and not just me and us But also this creature that I had rejected and the next few hours of him inside me and around me and us together and fucking In a way that involved not just two human beings fucking in a bed and Stockholm But some sort of creature fucking another creature who was so proud and delighted to be seen and not just seen but accepted In all the smelly ugliness and all of the destructive beauty and all of the huge fierce hot blooded heat That I let go in a way.
I had never let go before In spring in Sweden the sun sets for about two hours Between two and four a.m. And it gets twilight and then the sun comes back up And we spent that time together Ultimately cuddling and ultimately biting and scratching the shit out of each other And it was us in a cave that we had created And I had never felt safer and more seen in my life And this creature this ugly smelly disgusting horrible demon that had tried very hard to kill us Laid there with him seen and present and alive and loved this person in a way that awed me And I realized that this was another part of myself that I needed to get in touch with this demon this Fierceness as terrifying as it was was also terrifying because the power it contained and he saw that and accepted it and fucked the shit out of it Which is never a bad thing And as the day finally broke and we had to eventually go our separate ways my heart kind of broke Not my heart. I've had plenty of one night stands. I know how to fucking walk away.
She doesn't She still misses this guy so terribly The part of me that wants to be seen the part of me that fears being rejected because of the ugliness because of the pain She still wants that person And now I know that rejecting that aspect of myself that part that destroys and tears and shreds But also that has the biggest heart destruction is not the point the point is integration The point is being able to find someone who can have you and hold you and your demon and see it all and love it and fuck it and embrace it And consume it and then hold it while the sun never quite sets Thank you That is all for this week's classic risk singles episode now don't miss out on a regular full-length episodes There's a brand new one every Tuesday and everything you might want to know about us is at risk-show.com