Are You Choosing Them… or Waiting to Be Chosen? Laura Berman

There’s a subtle moment in dating when everything can start to change. At first, you’re paying attention to them. Do I like this person? Do I feel good around them? Are they kind? Interesting? Emotionally available? Do I want to see them again? Then you start to really like them, and suddenly the focus flips. Do they like me? Now you’re checking your phone. Analyzing texts. Wondering why they took three hours to respond. Replaying the date and looking for clues. And without even realizing it, you’ve stopped deciding whether you want them and started trying to figure out how to make sure they want you. That shift matters. Because once being chosen becomes the goal, it’s incredibly easy to abandon your own experience. You can overlook how anxious you feel around someone, make excuses for behavior you don’t actually like, or become so focused on whether you’re enough for them that you forget to ask whether they’re enough for you. And this doesn’t only happen while we’re dating. It’s one of the reasons rejection and breakups can hurt so much. Sometimes we’re grieving the person. But sometimes we’re also grieving the fact that they didn’t choose us, and those are two very different wounds. In this Language of Love Bite, I’m talking about why we can become so consumed with being wanted, what attachment and old relationship wounds have to do with it, and the question I often ask people after a breakup that can completely change the way they see what they’ve lost. Because yes, you deserve to be chosen. But you’re doing some choosing, too. In this episode, you’ll learn: How to recognize when you’ve shifted from getting to know someone to auditioning for their approval Why uncertainty can make you obsess over texts, conversations, and tiny changes in someone’s behavior The difference between actually wanting someone and wanting the validation of being wanted by them Why rejection can hurt even when the relationship itself wasn’t right for you The question I ask after a breakup that can change the story you’re telling yourself How to notice what your own experience is telling you about a relationship How to date without abandoning yourself in the process Whether you have experienced dating anxiety yourself or love someone who has, this episode will help you understand what is really happening beneath the surface and offer practical, compassionate tools to move forward with confidence. If this hits home, follow The Language of Love wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts. If someone came to mind while you were listening, make sure to share this episode with them. You can also email me at [email protected] or leave a voicemail at languageoflovepod.com to have your own question answered in a future session. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices