Are You Stuck in a Relationship Ditch? With Charlene Benson

What this episode covers

Charlene Benson is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Certified Sex Addiction Therapist, and fluent in American Sign Language. She is out with a new book, Unstuck: Move From Powerless to Empowered in Your Relationships, which details the ways you can get out of a relationship (romantic or non-romantic) ditch. When we are experiencing conflict in our relationships, we tend to want a complete 180 change from that person. However, it’s important to realize that it takes time to develop good habits and it takes time to overcome past development experiences that have consciously or unconsciously shaped who we are.    TAKEAWAYS: [3:45] What inspired Charlene to write her book? [6:15] Charlene’s book, Unstuck, is for every relationship, whether it be romantic, work-related, or platonic.  [9:40] Our deepest fear is abandonment and rejection. A ‘me’ focused person tries to protect themselves from feeling abandoned. The ‘others’ focused person tries to protect themselves from rejection.  [13:55] The first thing towards getting unstuck is to develop awareness and the second is to set realistic expectations for yourself; huge change comes from tiny steps.  [14:55] Sometimes you have to take two steps back to take one step forward. Your brain takes time to adjust to new changes.  [17:35] Name your fears out loud when you start to feel like you’re being abandoned or rejected. Where are these feelings coming from?  [24:30] Why is it that therapists constantly look at the past/childhood development when dealing with trauma?  [28:15] When we understand what our natural default behaviors are, we can change them and become more empowered.  [31:55] Running away from our fears to protect ourselves can actually be the very thing that makes your fear come true!    RESOURCES:  The Porn Panic: Is Porn a ‘Public Health Crisis’? Sex and Relationship Healing @RobWeissMSW Sex Addiction 101  Seeking Integrity Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men  Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency Bensontherapist.com Email Charlene: [email protected] Charlene on LinkedIn Unstuck: Move from Powerless to Empowered in Your Relationships by Charlene Benson QUOTES: “When we don’t know how to balance what I want and what you want at the same time, we will default to our pre-programmed pattern of either giving up what I want or being the one that leads the way.” “Until we become aware of what’s going on and what we’re doing, we can’t make any change.” “We so want our spouse to change 180 degrees yesterday, but they can’t. Look for the tiny little changes instead.” “We wake up every day with the sum total of our past experiences.”

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