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Welcome. Welcome. Welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Dax Shepard.
I'm joined by the Duchess of Duluth. Hi there. And who? Aaron, what could be Aaron's regional title?
The Mistress of Milford. I like that. The Mistress of Milford. That's still got a good ring to it.
What people might not know and absolutely absurd is where do you live now? Beverly Hills. You know that Monica? Yes.
Yes. I hate it. I'm so embarrassed. It's a great community.
It's a bummer that that's the name. Beverly Hills, Michigan, to be clear to everyone. Yes, yes, yes. That's far.
That's a bundantly clear. Because sometimes Ruthie will tag and I'm like, oh, Beverly Hills, yeah. Oh my God, they're here. And then I realize.
Yeah. But it is a great community. Right next door to Tokyo, Michigan, which is also a really good little town. Are you lying?
And it's just south of London, Michigan. Yes, he's lying. But that's how preposterous it is. Beverly Hills, Michigan.
Yeah, I'm the outskirts of Los Angeles, Michigan. Colorado, USA. Wow. This is a fun episode.
This is the Coydus Interruptus episode, the most awkward moment when you were interrupted mid-Coydus. It's fascinating. I want to be on all of these episodes. You should be.
Have you ever been interrupted during Coydus? Yeah. Yeah. Recently.
Oh, I recently. Yeah. But it's something. It's aggressive.
Yeah. It gets a little awkward. Are they trying to join in? Are my supposed to let him join in?
Sure, sure. And then I kind of wouldn't mind. But Ruthie would. I do remember that Lolo always like try to be involved.
Like all the since she get up on the bed, she'd be right close to the action. And you're trying to decide is she just a dog that doesn't know what's going on? Or is she home? Yeah, sure.
Because it's palpable to her sense of smell or something. Oh, the smell. That is probably what it is. Ah.
And you don't want to sexualize dog in the mix. Like there's just a dog in the immediate area. That's fine if they're laying on the ground in non plus. But if they're revved up, that's a gross feeling.
Well, what about their red rocket? Oh my God. I always assume it's a human reincarnated. That's trying to get sexy with us.
Okay, then he's got to go. He's got to go. We can't have him involved. Is it Dan or is it a newbie?
Yeah. The big goofy doodle. Those doers are too human. I know.
I know. Creepy human eyes. The eye contact is the first thing to happen where. Oh, God.
You know, if I look over and make eye contact, it's usually turns out to end the session. Because it seems like an invitation. Yeah, it's just I can't concentrate on that. Right, right, right, right.
Well, we didn't have any dog stories in this round. So that was good. Yeah, but we do have some incredible ones. In fact, the one that I which one do you remember?
I remember all of them. Well, I don't want to say them because I don't want to spoil. Okay. Definitely the hiker.
Yeah, that one felt very passionate. I know it was a juicy one. Yeah. Okay.
Well, you're going to love these. So please enjoy. I feel like we've changed ourselves a little bit. I feel like one of the three of us is going to go down.
Oh, fuck. I'm always on the verge. So are you Joe. It's me.
Hi, Joe. Are we going to use your real name? We can use my real name, but I'm going to keep other people's names out of it out of respect for the departed. Yes, exactly.
Okay. So you got yourself interrupted during Coitus. Yes, mid-coitus interrupted. Okay.
Walk us through it. And I was dating this lovely girl one night. She throws a big party at her house. So everybody's drinking, playing games, loud music.
Basically, we're all having a blast. So later in the night, well, the party's still going on. So tons of people still out there. We were pretty inebriated and feeling frisky.
So we decided to go to her bedroom. So once the doors are closed, clothes are flying off and things are heating up. Fast forward a bit. We've gone through the usual foreplay and now we're in the middle of the main event.
I'm on top. I'm getting into my groove. Thinking about baseball, thinking about roadside deaths. Anything to last longer.
Yes, exactly. So I'm on top of getting into my groove. And all of a sudden I hear the bedroom door open behind me. No, nothing like that.
Just door opens. And I seem to remember you kind of talking about a moment where you were filming a sex scene and your ass is like pain. Yeah, you feel so vulnerable. It's very exposed.
The apex of vulnerability. Yes, exactly. So my butt is just visible. I don't let people see my butt all the time.
And it's light open, probably. It's like it's open. It's not closed. That's for sure.
Right. Right. My immediate reaction is like, well, oh geez, okay, they're getting full of you with my ass. And I have no idea who this is.
I haven't checked yet. I make a split second decision. Do I stop or do I keep going? Oh, okay.
All right. I guess that's a decision. I thought you were going to say, do I put a sheet over my hand? Oh, do I turn and I'm like, no, you're like, do I just soldier on?
I'm expecting whoever it is to open the door, squeal with embarrassment. Oh my God, I'm so sorry. And then slam the door. Great point.
So I'm like, okay, I'm not going to let this in around my rhythm. If I throw anything off, it could just be a disaster for me here. I hear the door closed. I was like, okay, I'm just going to look over and check.
There's two girls standing, doors closed now. Oh, they came in and they just started. Oh, they decided to stay. Close the door and stuck around.
Close the door and they're standing there. Is your girlfriend like she's heard the commotion as well? Yes, yes, but I'm more focused on who are these people. And I look and I was like, oh, these are friends of hers.
I know these people. More of the merrier. At this point, I decided, okay, it's time to pause and figure out what's going on. You know, maybe there's an emergency.
It's not what I was expecting to happen, but the girls just walked over to the bed and sat down. They started chatting with us. Oh, oh my gosh. What?
Being the polite people that we are, we laid back on the bed and started catching up with some friends. What? And we are butt naked. I'm fully erect.
Yeah, you're hard as hell. You're 20 years old. Oh, yeah. God, thanks, James.
So the blankets are off the bed. There's nothing to cover up with. The small talk continues for a bit. Can I ask what the small talk was?
Was it just like, hey, great party. We haven't been out in a while. You guys have a licorice up there? It's really good.
It was along those lines. Like, hey, I haven't seen you in a bit. What do you guys been up to? It's like what you would be talking to somebody about it, a party, but the circumstances are just different.
The small talk dies. We're just kind of in some silence here. And the girl closest to me, no warning, reaches out and grabs my shaft. Oh my God.
It's like a pen. I was forum letter. So they knew what they were doing. I mean, if I was prepared or this had been talked about, obviously I'm open to something like that.
A comedy. A force. My immediate reaction is I've got to figure out what's going on. So I look at my girlfriend and she's giving me nothing.
Yeah, for me really quick, I would just be like, is this a test? I'm supposed to like tell her, don't you dare touch us. That's hers or has this been pre-scripted in like its party time and this is her desire and her fantasy and she just didn't want to tell me. Who is to know?
I have no idea. I look at the girl who is currently grabbing my penis, nothing from her. Ow. I'm a zombie story.
We're just sitting in complete silence hand on the dick for, you know, time goes slowly. I'm guessing minimum 15 seconds, but could have been upwards of 30 seconds. Wow. I don't know what to do at this point.
So I'm just sitting there and we're all just kind of silent. All of a sudden the girl releases, they look at each other. They say up, polite goodbye. And then they walk out.
Wait, why is it like impulse control? No, no. She's like, don't touch the dick. Don't touch the dick.
Oh, fuck. I already did it. And we don't want to shame her at that point. No, she's wrestling with something.
Yeah. They came in to have a force. I might have sprayed if that. Or got soft.
Yeah. Because you're mentally prepared for the task at hand, but you throw a curve ball like that. And now there's a strange first time you're feeling this hand on your penis. You could spray.
You've already done some quality pumps. 100% primed and ready to go. So I'm kind of impressed, Joe, that you didn't. But maybe just the stress of whether you were making the right or wrong decision.
It was just some combination there because absolutely I think that would have been totally in the cards if it had been a planned event. Right. They're gone now. I now just have to figure out what's going on.
And I say, well, that was weird. I was like, any idea what that was? She has no idea. And we never spoke about it again.
Wait, what? Oh my goodness. Might not use self at the time. I think what was going on is, like you said, Monica, I think she was being super sweet and was trying to set up this really fun, cool experience for me.
Yeah, now's the time. I knew things, but she didn't want to overthink it or anything. We were young. So I'm assuming this would have been each of our first times in a situation like this.
Sure. So nobody really knew how to approach it. And so the gut reaction was just. Well, okay.
Yeah, like, oh, this will kick things off. Like, he'll handle it from here if I initiate. Fuck. Then I wish your girlfriend if she had known what I do, kind of thing she did.
She should have taken the rain at that point. So okay, I agree with you. I think your assessment is accurate. That's such a big deal to come in while two people are fucking in and shut the door and stay.
So I agree with you. Where your girlfriend fucked this whole thing up is the fourth person. Like if a single girl had come in sat down next to you, hi guys, how's it going and then touches your penis? This is so obvious.
It's the fucking bystander. It does make it odd. What's that person doing? Whole new variable.
To be fair to her, she's young and she wants you. She's like, this is really going to be exciting. She looks around and she's like, who's the hottest girl at this party? Okay, it's Tiffany.
Tiffany. I'm just wondering. Do you want to do it? Yeah.
And then Sarah is there and she's like, can I come? Exactly. And she more just wants to watch. I'm in college.
I want to see you three times. I'm part of fun stuff too. Right. So I'm coming in, but I don't have a game plan and I don't even have a role in this.
And that's what fucked everything up. I think another one is one girl is like, yeah, I'm gay, but like I'm a little nervous. Can this person also come? Sure.
That is it. Yeah. Me too. Okay.
And I'm the two girls. I don't know. I can't remember what order I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go through my phone and tell my friends, and tell my friends, and tell my friends because I Cardi and Ted get wild weirdly.
This type of thing has happened to me many times, or I would say many, but a number of times, really I told these types of stories to my friends before because it's funny. And then also, has this ever happened to you? And no, this is not a common occurrence and I don't know why this keeps happening to you. It's not.
But I'm going to tell you why it's happening to you. I know exactly why it's happening to you. Le done bathing let's hear girls right or wrong really trust you. They think you're just into them.
Like I wasn't trusted. I think women feel very safe with you and that you're very loyal. And then they think if anyone deserves this, it's you and you'll stay focused on the prize. Oh, well that is really sweet.
That is sweet. I think that's what's going on. I hope so. Also, are you just like dropping quote subtle hints that you love to have?
I've been using inception techniques, all of that behind the scenes. This piece is great. The only thing that could make it better is three pieces of this piece. Two is good.
Imagine how good three. I recently got promoted to Menager. I mean, manager. Exactly.
Yeah, I have a feeling I know where this is coming. Well, look, Joe, some guys are blessed. You know, some guys. You got a good role in this.
Some guys are blessed. Yeah, you got a real nice role. I mean, look, they picked the right guy and also the wrong guy. It's all kind of a good guy.
It was tonight to know something good when it falls in your lap. Right. They were right. They were right about you.
Well, yeah, I mean, I appreciate that. And Dax, thank you for being vulnerable and showing guys that it's cool to be vulnerable. And Monica, Dax is right. Guys totally have crushes on you and you need to start accepting it.
Thank you. I had a crush on you before I even saw what you looked like. Oh. What you look like?
I was like, wow, OK. I apologize if that's too. No, it's so flattering. She'll be inviting you and a friend over shortly.
There'll be four of us there. I'll be fine. You want minimally enough for a pickup game of basketball? Well, this is really sweet.
Well, Joe, thank you so much for those kind words. It's been a blast talking to you. And enjoy the blast. Yeah.
Well, thank you. And you guys continue doing good work. Thank you so much. Bye.
Bye. Hello. Hello. How are you?
Good. How are you? Oh, you're so fit. The girthiness of your neck.
I'm intimidated and jealous and happy for you. Don't boost my confidence to my hit on Monica. Are you down south somewhere? Right now I'm in Florida.
We're on vacation. Oh, OK. We live in Roswell, Georgia. Oh, my God.
That's a good thing. Yeah. I lived in Duluth when I first moved there. No way.
What was your spot? You know, I moved there to work. So I ended up living off Steve Reynolds. Harry's.
Do you remember Harry's? Of course I know Harry's. That's a farmer's. Well, it's a grocery store.
OK. Harry's farmer's market. My mom loves Harry's. Is there a cafeteria inside?
Probably. Oh, that's great. You moved a little bit and I caught some vice up escalators. Why are you so fit?
My wife suggested that I take my shirt off. You do something that makes you this fit. I'm like 50 years old. I play football in college and I play tennis now.
So I try to stay in shape. Yeah. All right. Well, it's working.
I'm thinking that maybe I should say how good you look. No, no, no, I don't look that great now. I do sometimes look great, but you can save it for the times I actually. Well, you're sure it's a little loose today.
I'm going to buy anything and I didn't lift today. My veins aren't where I'd like them to be for you to assess me. OK. You got a pump in today.
I can tell. Not yet. I'm going to play tennis as soon as this is over. Oh, OK.
Great. OK. Well, as much as I wish this was the prompt, tell us about a story of being super jacked. This unfortunately is the story of Coitus and erupted.
So please, Michael, tell us what happened. I was raised in Louisiana, Northern Louisiana. My parents are Southern Baptist. They're very religious.
Church three times a week. A lot of the apocalypse. OK. Hell and fire and brimstone.
So all that stuff was there. You felt super guilty when you masturbated all this stuff. Oh, my God. I still tell my wife every once in a while after we finish up.
I have a little bit of guilt. I'm working on it. 1991. I'm a senior in high school.
My parents had a lake house. It was about an hour north of where we lived after football games on Friday night. They would go up as soon as we were done. And then I would just go after I finished up my showers and whatnot.
So on this particular Friday night, my mother told me that they were going to go ahead. So I could go to the house, pick up myself and drive up later, but make sure to check the answer machine because if they got up there and they didn't have something, they would call and leave it on there. And I would grab it. And Monica, an answer machine.
OK. Come on. It's important. I see it as an opportunity for a girl to meet me at the house.
Of course. Stupid question. Had you won the game that day? Yeah, we were very good.
Oh, you're right. You're feeling good. You're in a great mood. You're on the way.
You're a victor. What a nice day alive. Lake house awaits. As I get into this story, I think about how young Monica is and I'm really afraid I'm going to use some of the wrong terminology.
So if you're all offended, say, hey, dude, knock it off. I'm also not that young. 35. So we go inside.
I push play on the message machine and there's no new messages, a couple of old messages. Head back to the bedroom. Lights are off. We go back to my bedroom.
I'm not like a king sized water bed that left about a six inch trail around the room. It's pretty much just a room filled with bed. I have the same setup, brother. So good.
Anyway, so I walk her to the side of the bed and we're getting the hydraulic fluid looped up there. I'm working the North end a little bit and doing my thing and bringing everything online. Yeah, absolutely. Head down south and get things moving.
We get the cover off of the thing. Lay her down on the water bed and it's making that sweet swish and so. Let you know what's going on. And I'm moving my way down the chest.
I'm going to go meet this thing face to face. As soon as you get to the spot where somebody might yell out bingo, this loud, dark, deep, ominous voice fills the earth as far as I'm concerned in seconds. The words Lord and God and heaven and holy fuck it. Was it over me, man?
I realized that I had brought the apocalypse. You really at that moment thought I'm so sinful. This is the end time. I brought her here.
I'm going face to face with this thing. Marriage is not your intention. Right. So what are you doing it for?
and confusion and just, oh, fuck what now? Wash this over me. And I kind of remember putting myself together enough to know that I've got this young lady here. I got to go confront the Lord and Savior of the world.
Yeah. I got to pause you terrible time to have this crisis of conscience because you've just come face to face. She might interpret. Exactly.
That might trigger like, oh, fuck, what did he just see? What's wrong with me that he just leapt up? She's here in the voice too. Oh, OK.
It's like it's from the heavens, dude. It's not just for me. Oh, OK. I thought I was just wrong.
OK. No, no, no. She grew up somehow more religious than me. So she's probably thinking the chariots are coming too.
So I get up. I put the tools away. And I remember moving out into the hallway. We grew up in a small house.
But I looked down that hallway and I swear to you, it felt like it was six miles long. And all I could think about on the other side of that hallway was coming around the corner and the bright light and the Lord standing in front of it and like, here we go, brother. Well, yeah. Still just completely freaked out.
He's my way down the hallway. And I'm about to make that turn into the living room. And I make the turn no light, but the voice is going strong. But the voice seems to be coming from a more central area at this point.
Right. Not as omnidirectional or omnipresent. Right. But still just one Bible verse after another.
So I moved towards the voice and realized that the answer in machine is the Lord's voice. OK. So like I'm so caught up in all this shit that then I'm like, why is Jesus speaking through the? You couldn't get anyone on the phone.
So we left. I don't want to pick up. Yeah, not choice for the most powerful guy in the world. Yeah.
Analog. So I moved to the message machine and I looked down at it and I flipped the light over and I looked down in it and said the holy Bible on the cassette. Oh. Oh.
And it all made sense. Just couldn't get enough of the Bible on tape. He just listened to that shit all the time. Yeah.
So we had these huge collections of them. Somebody ran out of cassettes. It's not really coming together that well at that point. But here's what's happening.
I'll go further. Mom ran out of cassettes and put Dad's Bible thing in there to be recorded over. Because there's no way he would sacrifice. No, no, no.
He'd make the trip up to Radio Shack and get some MRX. Somebody had used this holy Bible tape and the answer thing. And later I put all the science together. It's a certain cassette that's supposed to go in there.
So when you finish the message, it's supposed to stop, rewind, and start out. Well, this is the wrong tape for the machine. So it had this big gap of emptiness that allowed me and her to get to the hotspot. And then the Lord's voice just came.
Oh, wow. So I figure all of this out, but I didn't go back to work. I didn't say, hey, let's start. I was a get your shit and we're getting out of here.
And dude, it stuck with me. I'm 48 years old and I'm still dealing with that shit. And see too equally like, oh, God, thanks for the warning. You know, I never remember talking to her about that.
So self-centered in the first place. You know, 17 year old boy. Big victory. Yeah.
I should probably call her someday and be like, hey, sorry about all that. Wow. Interrupted by God. Wow, not many folks are interrupted by the Lord.
Yeah. Yeah, that's great. That's great. I bet she was also like, really grateful and relieved.
Because if she was even more religious than you, hearing from God in that moment, I knew I wasn't supposed to. I knew it. Well, I didn't have this sexual guilt as much as I did have some masturbatory guilt for a while. But I will say, we just did a stealing episode.
And what I really related to was the pre-theft mindset. Like, I'm going to get this. Here's the way I'm going to get it. Here's the reason I'm justified to steal all these things.
And then the second you get that thing you stole, it's like, oh my God, what have I done? Why did I do that? I'll have experienced that post-orgasmic switch flip of like, I'm going to hell. I'm the worst person alive.
So in some weird way when you get interrupted at that moment, you're almost like, well, OK, well, that saved us the whole feeling terrible in 15 minutes. I guess so. OK. Ah, baby.
Ah, ah. I'll let you have it. No, did you feel guilty after you would have sex? Oh, God, yes.
Yes. That's what I'm saying. Like, that's what was coming. You guys both knew somewhere in the back of your mind.
Oh, after we both finished, we're going to be riddled with guilt. So in some way, getting interrupted when you have that mindset is almost like, you know you were saved the guilt session. That's coming. That's a great way to look at it.
The really crazy thing is how small the mind was at the time to think that I had ended the world by bringing this girl. Right. Yeah. I still feel that important.
But back to just a little bit of the session. You know, I was about 14 when I started questioning things. And I did it out loud in a Sunday school class. It went over really well.
But then that thing happened. You know, you think you're moving in a direction. And then all of a sudden, you hear the Lord. Yeah.
But you know, leaving that town and getting around people. I just didn't know anybody thought any different. So I don't know where the hell came from to question it. But then when you finally find your people, you're like, God, I mean, I don't have to worry about getting down there and meeting that thing and having Armageddon again.
That's right. That's right. It does raise the stakes, which is. Well, that's true.
That can be fun. Yeah. I mean, if you think this thing's so desirable, you're willing to go to hell for it. That says a lot.
Yeah, it's very complimentary. It's flattering. I'll go to hell for you, baby. I think at that age, you probably would.
Oh, God. Yes, guys. You're short-sighted. Well, Michael, that was a delight.
What a delight to meet you as well. Thanks for the kind words. You were supposed to ask me what my favorite episode was. Monica, would you like to ask?
Oh, sure. Hey, I was wondering, what's your favorite episode? I'm going to guess. All right, my guest is dog the bounty hunter.
I was very impressed with that. But I'm so in love with David Sedaris and have been for so long. Oh, he's the best. And Malcolm Gladwell, like, how can you get enough?
And big ups for telling Julia Louis Dryfish. She's a 10. Oh, thank you. Thank you.
That's back when I was still allowed to say that. I don't care. It was so messed up. When Connie Britton was on, I was like, dude, you got to let her know she's a 10.
Smoked show. I switched out 10 for Smoked show. Bombshell. Bombshell.
He still finds a way. I don't worry. Well, Michael, what a delight. So nice to meet you and thanks so much for giving us that story.
Thanks a lot, guys. That was super fun. All right, good night. That was fun.
Hi there. Are we allowed to use your real name? You can call me Carrie. Carrie.
OK, wonderful. Where are you at in the world, Carrie? I'm in BC, Canada. Oh, are you at Whistler?
I'm in Swamish. So just sell. Oh, OK, wonderful. Are you a snowboarder, a mountain climber?
You're a mountain climber. Mostly, but also it's my winner. Yeah, the arms gave it away. Look at those fucking pipes, Monica.
Oh, my god. Oh, fuck yeah. OK. That was really nice.
Oh, wow, Carrie. Well done. Well done. Thank you.
OK, luckily you're having Coidus with that great body because you had Coidus interrupt us at some point. Tell us what happened. This is a really gross story. So if anyone's like eating lunch, OK, stop doing that.
Trigger warning. OK, so this was back in the day to be an addict. And so I was incredibly high on accessing with my partner. And we're walking home from whatever we were doing that day.
I can't even remember. And we're like ravenously horny. Oh, yeah. We just can't wait for it, you know, and the whole way home.
When we get into our tiny little like 100 square foot apartment, we're just ripping each other's clothes off right at the door. It's just like we vaporize. Our clothes are in a pile. I'm on my period, important detail.
Great. Who cares? Gives a fuck. Your flies are there.
They're there. They're very there. It's like the first day there. OK.
Heavy flow. Heavy flow. We don't care. So we are going at it.
And I really liked rough sex at this time. And we're just like, I'm like getting smashed against walls. We're in the kitchen, which is like right beside our entry door. I'm getting smashed against cabinetry.
He's like pounding me super hard. And blood is like, oh, sure. Everywhere. And I imagine on ecstasy, you're like, you're embracing it.
Like this is primal. Well, yes, exactly. We were into it. And it's just like splattering everywhere.
And I'm like, oh my god, animals. And I'm like, on the walls, and there's handprints everywhere. And then all of a sudden, we hear a bang on the door. And we're like, oh shit.
I'm just quiet for a second. And then another bang. Please open up. What?
I'm like, OK, well, I guess what better is the door. Yeah. We like get ourselves as together as we can. Oh my god.