Armchair Anonymous: Embarrassing Sex

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I'm Dax Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi there. Hi Padman.

You wanted to try that out because my teacher... Your teacher, you like this. Let's see if I can't dust it off and give that same sparkle. What a topic today.

Yeah, this is a good one. It combines two of my very favorite topics. Embarrassment and sex. A lot goes down in today's episode.

Yeah. We really shit the bad on father stories. We didn't warn anyone. About what?

Well, there was a lot. I saw in the comments and they were right. There was the, I'm drinking a glass of... I said that.

I said there's blood. Oh, okay. Let's see. If you know someone...

If you're afraid of fire. Yeah, if you're afraid of fire. Isn't everyone afraid of fire? Yeah, so no one can listen, I guess.

If you're hypochondriac? Yeah, if you have hypochondria about bodily stuff, this might not be for you. Just listen. No, just listen.

All right, please enjoy embarrassing sex. All times, come and go. Good times, take them slow. My life, I gotta go.

But one thing, you gotta know, I'm gonna keep it shining. Oh, 205, arrival. What the fuck? I can talk down and get a 205?

That's too long. That's arrogant. It is. All right.

Are you ready for Sarah? Yes. Hi. Cool closet.

Sarah, is it Sarah? Yes, it is Sarah. Hi. I love your earrings.

Oh, thank you. They're from Mexico. Okay, it's very... Fleetwood Mac.

Stevie, next. Oh, thank you. I do want to be as much like her as possible. I think we all do.

Wherever you're at, it's my dream because you have so many extras of so many products. Yeah, I work for a sunscreen company, which I feel like I missed an episode where you're talking about maybe you don't like sunscreen or something. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. You did or didn't hear that.

It was very polarizing. I didn't hear that. Sometimes I listen to you guys when I'm falling asleep and it must have happened like when I was falling asleep. Sure.

But you know what? You guys reached out to me for Reefer Madness and I stocked all the VIP bags for it. Oh, no shit. You must like sunscreen a little bit.

Well, yeah, my wife loves it. Wait, the vacation sunscreen? Yeah, the whipped cream one. That's a huge brand.

You're a huge star. You're a huge brand with huge earrings. Wow. Huge everything.

So are you in LA? Well, I was like, this is crazy that this is kind of how I'm meeting you guys because everything you talk about, I was like in your neighborhood, I think. I was down from Immaculate Heart. Oh.

I was always working from Cara. I hiked Griffith Park twice a week. I would see David sometimes. I didn't see you guys, but now I actually just moved to Nashville.

So there's an opportunity there, too. Exactly. Well, you know, we do are putting stakes in Nashville. That's what she said.

There's an opportunity. Oh. I've got to figure out where we hike in Nashville, I guess. That's the thing I miss the most.

I'm not going to lie because there's no door hiking. You have to drive somewhere. But otherwise, the summer is pretty kind of magical if you remove politics from it. When it rains, it's warm.

You can dance it and there's fireflies. The cicadas are gone. It'll be fun. Yes, I can't wait.

Okay. You have an embarrassing sex story, and I think the level of bravery involved with an embarrassing sex story is very peak. There's wine in this. I'm excited.

Oh, good job. Perfect. Kind of a little preface to my sex story, which is a tender little losing of the virginity story. But I started at high school at this kind of cult-like Christian school, and our sex ed was very particular.

Separated the boys and the girls. The headmistress. All the girls kind of lined up in a row in the chair. She got a butterfinger.

Oh, my God. Hands it to the girl on the first seat. Says, open that butterfinger for me. Pass it behind you.

Second girl. All right, rip it open a bit further. Pass it. All right, you bite it.

Pass it. All right, you lick it. Pass it. So on and so forth.

So there's like 12 or 13 of us. Ew. I've never been more perplexed about how something would tie into something. This is great.

I think it's about STDs. So he gets to the end, and this girl's got like a half-beaten, chewed-up, spit-on, butterfinger, and then the teacher pulls out a new butterfinger, and she says, would you like a new one, or do you want to keep the one you have? Oh, my God. This is an accident thing?

Yes, yes. This is an LGBT. All used up. Oh, my God.

And so if you were a man, would you want your wife to be the used butterfinger or the new butterfinger? And I was like, oh, my God. I'm a butterfinger. I am so serious.

Also, it's so annoying that it's the woman, that it's not the dick. I thought the butterfinger was the dick. The dick's more likely to be all used up. Exactly.

We, as women, are butterfingers that we need to keep the wrappers on tight. Yeah, boy. I'm sure she was well-intentioned, but that's just terrible. I was not going to meet anybody in school, like, to bone.

Obviously, it was so small. My graduating class had 12 people in it. When I applied to Georgia, I was like, I'm third in my class, and I didn't say, like, how to come in. I agree.

That was great. I started working at a coffee shop and met this guy that was 20 years old. I was 17. I was obsessed with him.

I've never fallen in love with somebody that quickly. Still, I'm 39. I'm single. I've never, like, felt love like that.

You know, it's, like, the first time. All this first love movie montage stuff where I lived on a farm, chased cows and chickens and rode four-wheelers, played in a lake. Oh, my. You played guitar?

Yeah. You played guitar at you? Exactly. Yeah, he did.

Taught me all about Bob Dylan. Oh, God. I was obsessed with him. But I was 17.

I was still in school. I was like, I'm not such a butterfinger wrapper. This butterfinger wrapper is, like, intact. And so, he was waiting a long time until finally I graduated.

I was like, all right, this teacher, at least I'm going to have to look her in the eye and she's not going to know that my butterfinger cut him. I graduated. I was 18. I was like, we're going to plan this right.

He wasn't a virgin. I was. His sister was going to be out of town one weekend, so we planned it. He's like, let's watch a movie.

We'll lay a pallet down, which I call it a pallet. No, I know exactly. I don't. A futon?

No, it's like you put a bunch of blankets. It's like a makeshift sleeping area. Is there a real pallet involved? You put it on a pallet?

No way. Okay, thank God. It's just blankets. Yeah.

I don't want the butterfinger scraping against raw lumber. So he made like a pallet. He was like, I want to watch my favorite movie. It was the wedding singer.

He thought it was like Drew Barrymore at the time. Sure. I see it. This is 2003, I think, so I'm like making burnt CDs.

So I made a whole soundtrack. So it was like all the songs he taught me while he was like singing guitars. It was like Wonderful Tonight. Eric clapped in.

It was like Peace of Burden. It was Lady Lay. Good musical days. Lay across my big brass pallet.

It was going to end with I Want to Grow Old With You because I knew we were going to watch that movie. And that's the song that Adam Sandler sings to Drew Barrymore at the end of the movie. There was a lot of pressure riding on me or him or all of us, all two of us to make it like a beautiful night. It's starting to happen.

I'm like, oh my God, it's happening. It's happening. And holy shit, it's happening. It hurts so fucking hard.

This guy, thankfully, because he'd been waiting for me, he put on a condom and I was like, thank God, because I've taught all sex ends up with STDs, AIDS, or a pregnancy. If you're just guaranteed like the trifecta. So he had a condom on and he's trying just like so hard to gently put it in. Sure.

And I'm just like gripping the side of the pallet. I'm like, oh, the pallet. He's trying so hard to be like romantic and gentle and sweet. And it's taking forever.

My songs are nearing towards the grand finale. And I'm like, I can't just do this in pain in silence. I have to still have a beautiful soundtrack moment. Somebody's got to like finish here.

Meanwhile, he's like trying to move an oversized couch through a doorway. Oh, God. Exactly. Yes.

That's what it was. And this guy had like a porn star wiener. Wow. Was there no lube?

Well, not enough. Not enough. And after the time, it was just like, eh. My soundtrack ending, I got to get through this.

I'm going to make you finish. You're going to have a great night. So I like rip the condom off like really quick and start like going down. And I'm like, I'm going to give you a head.

It's going to be great. Okay, you're like under a time clock. Yeah. Okay.

I don't even realize that it tastes weird. And like, I'm like doing all the stuff that I learned from Cosmo. I was like really preparing for this night. I had gone down before and it had been okay.

And then I'm like drooling. Oh, God. My mouth feels kind of like dentistry. It feels tingly.

It feels gross. I'm just spitting everywhere. I'm just drooling, spitting, gagging. I'm like, what's happening?

What's happening? I'm like, the devil has cursed me. Oh, even there. We've technically had sex.

Now, even blowjobs are going to be tasting bad and terrible. No one will ever get pleasure again because I've sinned against the Lord and I'm a disgusting right away. But she wanted him to blast. Each person's living up to what they think the other person wants, of course.

Oh, God. Okay, so you're numbed up. You've got so much lidocaine in your mouth. Ew.

I've got so much lidocaine. I'm spitting. I'm thinking that Jesus is mad at me. God is mad at me.

And he just starts laughing at me. And he's just like, oh, my God, it's a numbing condom. We're totally fine. Forget about it.

I don't have to come tonight. It's great. Thanks for trying. Oh, okay.

So he's nice. Big old baseball bat dick. And he's nice. He used to hang a towel off his dick like when he got off the shark.

Sure. Wow. This guy. Where's he at?

I think he's a bartender and trying to go, honestly. Oh. Okay, I'll pass. We finally got to hang a sex eventually.

Like, we dated for three years after the fact. Eventually broke up. I viewed that relationship through rose-colored glasses, but it was probably super toxic looking back at it. But he was a really great person to lose my virginity, too.

He thought it was like a two-sides-of-the-track kind of thing. He was like a country boy, and then I was private school Christian girl. Oh, sure. Bad guy, good girl kind of thing.

And he just really held my hand and walked me through all that. Oh, that's nice. It was sweet. He's with the girl he started dating right after me.

That was like 20 years ago. Wow. Yeah, good friend. Wow, wow, wow, wow.

Okay, that is upsetting. I'm imagining your mouth just filling. And it's a weird, sharp chemical. It is a nice moment to take a pause and say how sad it is for everyone.

Everyone involved. Think of what you're doing as a boy. You're like, better to have a completely numb penis, not feel it at all, so that I don't disappoint this girl. And the girl's going like, God, I hope I do this right.

I got to read Cosmo to me. This is a nightmare. It's so sweet. People are trying so hard to be perfect with each other.

And this is before porn was so intense. So now I can't even imagine these young people, the pressure. I don't even watch porn. I don't know.

I'm just like, hey, guys, I have to go to play with them. Like, it's fine. That's kind of a shortcut. It's a cheat, you guys.

It's a total cheat. Oh, wow. Well, that is a disaster. That's much better than I was fearing.

Oh, tell me what you were fearing. Well, look, because we've had this situation, which is a woman told us a story about the first time using her tampon, and she had wrongly put it in her butt. She's like, why is it so difficult? This was on armchair.

I know. So part of me was like, okay, so the reason he couldn't get it in is he was going in the wrong hole. Okay. And now you go to blow them, and you're like, this is weird.

This sounds like poop. Yeah. That was conceivable. Think about the clues we had.

Come get it in. You're right. But wow. I think people know when it's their butt.

Well, the person putting the tampon in didn't. Okay, but she was a little child, so she didn't know as much. Yeah, Sarah's like four years older. Her full sex ed was a candy bar, so anything was possible.

Well, you're right. We got the hang of sex one time, though. I was like on top, and he was like holding my hips and putting my butt down on it. And it went straight in?

No lube. No. Yeah. I blessed for days.

Oh, yeah. It felt like it got shot in the ass. Yeah. That's so similar to my story when my penis got broken in half.

Same thing. On top, go down fast, snap the penis, scream. I've had so many weird sex stories. Oh, man.

Well, Sarah, thanks for that story. That was great. Yeah, thanks for sharing. Yeah, thank you for being so easy to talk to.

I was really nervous about this, obviously with my wine. Just want to say, my dad passed last year, and he had given me this book, and every time when he was still alive, he was like, have you read that book? Have you read that book? And I'm just like, no, I'll fucking read it.

During a fact check, dad's he brought up, I just randomly been reading this Mike Nichols book. And this whole time, my dad is like, have you read this book? How do you not know Mike Nichols is? Oh, that was the book?

Yeah. Wow, how crazy. It was like a week or two after he passed that you started bringing up the subject. Oh, yeah, that's sim.

It was super sim, and then I was just like, oh, my God, I have to get it. He sent it to me. I left it at the house. I was like, I gotta go get it.

I gotta read it. And for a few weeks, you kept talking about it, and I was like, all right, I gotta find that in the book and read it. So it was just a really nice connection. Aw.

Do you love the book, as I did, and your dad did? I still haven't read it yet. There's literally nothing probably I'll get you to read that book. Except now I will have to read it.

Don't do it. I think at this point, it's maybe cooler. Yeah, double down. All right, well, beautiful me and you.

I hope you run across each other in real life. Yeah, absolutely. We'll love it. All right, take care.

That was fun. It's ready. I'll get it after her. Let this.

Haley. Straight up Haley. Haley Jo Osment. I wish it was Haley Jo Osment.

Haley Joel. Sorry to disappoint. Oh, you could hear that? We didn't see you.

I didn't know you could hear you. I'm happy to have you. I don't need Haley Joel. Haley Joel Osment cannot tell the sex story.

Well, I guess, listen, under normal circumstances, I'm not like rooting for Haley Joel Osment to be one of the guests. But in this case, because it would be a sex story. Oh, you wanted it? Well, it's just a little risque for a public person other than myself to talk about sex stories.

For a child actor. Yeah, right. It's even compounded. I love your little tent you've made.

Whip her to my left. Just for the listener, there's two chairs holding up the sides of the tent, and then we have a swifter holding up the center of the tent. I was really nervous to do it from in here because I was like, this is going to collapse on my head. Maybe that'll happen, and that could be added to the list of embarrassing stories that I have to tell.

What city is your tent in? I'm currently in Astoria, New York. Oh, where's that? It's in Queens.

It's kind of the first town neighborhood of Queens when you leave Manhattan. Now I'm remembering I see it on the subway. It often lists Astoria, won't it, as a direction. It's the last stop on the N train.

It's kind of known for Greek food. It's like a high immigrant population, lots of languages, lots of diversity. Nice. Oh.

We live in here. How long have you been there? I'm originally from Long Island, so I've kind of been in New York most of my life, but I just moved to this apartment last August, and the story does not take place here. Okay, where does the story take place?

It takes place in New Orleans. Oh, prime prime. It's asking for a sex store. I mean, come on.

Just the center of pure debauchery. Y'all have been there, I assume. My favorite shirt I got from there, the shirt says, I got bourbon faced on shit street. Yeah, that's great.

And that really sums up the whole experience. Fair enough. I went to Tulane there. Oh, nice.

The story takes place my sophomore year of college, 2019. Oh, recently. So 2015, I was 19. There we go.

So it's kind of weird. It's been nine years at this point, but I'm convinced that this happened to me, so I could be here today to tell the story to you guys. When I saw that prompt, I was like, this is my destiny. The prophecy has been fulfilled.

Yes. Wonderful. So winter of 2015, Tulane University, center of New Orleans. At the time, it was my finals week.

Really stressful. I was staying up late every night, drinking shit tons of coffee, just really on the verge of a mental breakdown. When finals week was over, I just lost it, partying so hard. Sure, sure, sure.

Again, it's New Orleans, so drinking is a main cultural staple. And is it even hard at 19 there, or is it super easy? In terms of underage. Being underage.

Oh, no. Okay, that was my punch. It's so easy. I mean, at Tulane, we actually have a bar on campus.

I mean, it's not technically on campus, but it's like next to the dorm. It's really easy to get shit-faced there as a 19-year-old. Oh, great. So we go to a party.

I'm absolutely wasted. And I actually go to try Coke in the bathroom. Wonderful. Great, great.

You are letting off some steam. Yeah, you are. These finals will kill people. Seriously.

Coke in the bathroom, wasted on alcohol. I come out, and they kind of have like a buffet of the classic aluminum trays of fried food. This is a nice party, though. This is a college party that actually put out food?

I wouldn't call the food nice. It's like chicken fingers and french fries. Right, right. It's just puritanism.

I'm like stuffing my face. I'm getting wasted. I kind of turn around, and I lock eyes with someone from my Spanish class. We had just taken the final together, and it's on.

We're going to make out. We both know. Wonderful. We hit off.

We go back to his room. We do hook up, but the sex is like the least memorable part of the story. It's drunk. It's sloppy.

I'm pretty sure he couldn't get it up. Sure, sure, sure. Well, especially if he was hitting that nose candy. That makes it even bubbly harder.

Oh, it doesn't? Oh, yeah, yeah. He's having trouble. Okay, he's struggling.

So we both kind of turn over, go to sleep. No one's had an orgasm. Okay. About 4.30 in the morning, my stomach really starts to hurt.

Oh, boy. At first, I think it's maybe my period cramps. I'm like, let's not freak out. Wait it out for a little.

You know, I kind of take a few deep breaths. A few minutes later, nothing's getting better. In fact, it's actually progressively getting worse. Beats of sweat on the forehead at any point?

It's not that type of pain. i don't have to go to the bathroom it's just like purely in my stomach oh my god okay i have a guess i'm not gonna say it it's like 10 out of 10 i've never felt it before i'm starting to realize something is seriously wrong with me what does a 19 year old do when they're freaking out like that i call my mom right 4 30 in the morning do you wake this guy up not yet okay i'm really nervous about like how he's gonna react so i call my mom first i'm quiet on the phone you're not probably telling her hey i'm at a boy's house you're just acting like you're at home at first i did coke and i drank a lot mom just ripped some lines ate a buffet and fucked a stranger don't worry don't came that would be the thing she was worried about i explain the situation and she does ask where are you and i kind of sheepishly say like oh i'm having a sleepover and she's like with who and you guys kind of guessed it like i didn't want to say that i was a boy but i do because i'm nervous i'm like kind of panicking you're scared enough that you're gonna tell the truth i didn't want to lie so i say with a boy you can kind of hear the realization right in the background pure silence it's settling in i'm nervous i'm like am i gonna get in trouble what's the reaction gonna be and she says well hayley do you think the sex was maybe too rough for you i mean that's a fair that's a fair question though because what if he stabbed something in her insides okay to this day i've never had a more embarrassing moment than when my mom asked me if i had had such nasty sex raunchy rough sex yeah just throw sex like the dick like penetrating my vagina into the stomach yeah did she think his dick was sharp like i still wonder to this day he punctured you and blasted in your stomach well did your mom say once that my dad did poke a hole in my mom that's what she says but the punchline of that story is that she said and your father was proud as a peacock right but i mean i don't think that's the punchline i think the punchline is that he had a humongous dick in his defense but how would it have punctured a stomach it punctured her uterus this feels a rupture i don't puncture is the right word maybe rupture is the right word okay okay great anywho so sorry it's not her story his dick was big though not sharp right right it was big and sharp he didn't have scissors on the end of it i do tell her i'm kind of like he was a very gentle lover well you know he couldn't get hard so i knew it wasn't about that that wasn't the issue so i kind of been like that's not the problem get your mind out of the gutter oh my god so eventually i kind of escalate the issue that she's like you need to go to a hospital you might have appendicitis so i didn't know at the time that you can just drive to a hospital oh no i had never been to a hospital i thought that an ambulance had to take you yeah you forget how little 19 year olds know i mean to be fair i kind of just learned this like a little bit or i just think if you go to the hospital it's because you are in that situation and in y'all's defense if you weren't a skateboarder or something like i was where my mom drove me to the hospital a bunch yeah if you weren't an emergency prone kid i guess you wouldn't have ever been driven to the emergency the only time i've gone to the hospital is in an ambulance at 30 yeah exactly that like i've never been to the hospital before i didn't know the protocol at the time the two lane campus had a local EMT service you could call an ambulance and it would be free but the student EMTs are on strike so they canceled the service oh my god so the bill which is jumping ahead a little but the bill was insane oh yeah it's a couple grand right there in an ambulance right or 1500 i forgot how much but like an exorbitant amount my mom ended up arguing with the hospital and getting it for free oh no she's a lawyer so anyway i do call an ambulance he's kind of starting to stir are you thirsty no no i'm gonna go in an ambulance so you fine take an advil yeah and he gave me two advil to take advil is specifically not good for your stomach yep so after a while he can see how much pain i'm in he calls 911 the ambulance comes and i'm in such bad pain i can't move so they have to lift me up onto a gurney in his room i'm wearing like a little slutty black dress on the night before no bra no underwear no socks no shoes his sweatpants oh wow this is my hospital outfit they lift me out they put me on a gurney as they're wheeling me out i kind of turn behind me and i'm like call me i had a good time i'm so uncomfortable anything to make the situation like a little more normal leaving on a gurney from a one-night stand is a rough look it's hard to pull that off it's an insane exit so they bring me to the elevator i can see the EMT kind of like eyeing me up and down this like sly little smile on her face she's like you had quite the night oh my and then kathy i had a bad night this is not a cute night don't give me that so i get into the ambulance i immediately throw up i'm very sick they take me to the hospital the nurse says we have to run a pregnancy test and i literally say i didn't think it could happen that quickly i'm not pregnant in the end that's not the issue they run a few tests they give me fluids so it turns out i don't have appendicitis i have something called gastritis i don't know if you've heard this it's the inflammation of your stomach lining it's kind of like a classic symptom of ibs or like crohn's disease okay autoimmunity i don't have that issue this is the first time this has ever happened to me i don't have any autoimmune disorders so it's first and last i have had it again one time i did have to go to the hospital again but it's a really freak thing it's really painful your stomach lining is red and the acid is kind of like interacting it's like your whole stomach turns into an ulcer that's like the pain level it feels like oh my now you're on a speedball you got the coat from earlier now you're on some obiates you should come back to his house yeah they mostly give me fluids and i'm discharged within a few hours and i leave the hospital i don't have shoes or socks my friend comes to pick me up and eventually i do have to reach out to the guy again because i've left like the majority of my stuff at his place so i kind of have to plan to seduce him oh because i'm like if i can get this guy to sleep with me after making an exit on a gurney i am like the baddest bitch alive yeah sure i get it you want to do over it's a challenge it's a chance for redemption yeah i kind of go into the plan i doll up i make sure that i'm not wearing the same outfit from the hospital night i'm flirting i'm like how was your weekend i was a little crazy he's like yeah here's your stuff he handed to me in a domino's pizza bag he's like listen i gotta get out of here i have to go study for a geology final i'm gonna leave with you just ego on the floor he goes off to the library to go study for his geology exam i remember that a friend of mine had taken that exam already so i 100% know that he has lied about going to take this exam okay all right he was committed to the pit he went to the library i saw him go there i don't think it's any comment on your appeal but he rightly was like look last time we hook up you left in a gurney i don't want to roll those dice again yeah i can't do it i think that's fair fish he's over it i would not want to sleep with me either i'd be completely over me well you might think like well fucking next time i'm a killer if i could get it in she might be dead next night a very delicate woman yeah so fragile so my friends lovingly refer to this story at the time i ate so many chicken fingers and did so much coke i ended up in the hospital oh that's funny that's good college yeah makes me want to go back to college god it's fun doesn't it does make me want to it's a mess yeah it's a fucking wreck you got shit to talk about non-stop with your friends because stuff's going sideways for everybody i feel like i learned a lot and i look back at that time i realized how naive and innocent and sweet i was you didn't even know you could drive to the hospital i thought you could get pregnant within four minutes the second time i had to go to the hospital for gastritis i took an uber there we go you learned a lesson 12 instead of a thousand that's growth baby yeah well hayley lovely meeting you great story so sorry thank you for sharing it i want to give a quick shout out to my friend rachel this is a cornerstone of our friendship like every week we catch up about what's happened on our trip expert oh i love that sweet she was very insistent i give her a shout out and i wanted to well rachel thanks for listening thanks for being in a book club of sorts with hayley thank you bye i didn't wave on purpose but i should have you don't remember how like this look how small my hand looks this is a terrible boy book bye because you're going that looks like a shoe yeah bye and he does that he has like one finger oh yes well he's a baby so he doesn't get away with it right you try those works for him here's garrett hello i'm here here i come here you are hi garrett i'm in the attic look at that look at us and we're in your closet presumably wife's closet it's a bigger closet yeah as it should be i see some pumps hanging out of the corner frame some bags not as exciting as you guys where are you at garrett i am in los angeles oh no kidding yeah right around the corner of you guys i'm up in recita oh wonderful and where are you from originally missouri do you hate when people say missouri no i make fun of it all the time i say i'm a missouri boy oh yeah yeah yeah it's funny missouri is north and south in a way yeah it kind of touches everything a little bit how long did you move out here 10 years that's kind of where the story begins oh wonderful oh ding ding ding yeah 10 year anniversary for the story actually the beginning of the summer in 2014 i proposed my now wife she said yes up until that point we probably spent like 50 of our relationship within seven years long distance and then in similar fashion right after i proposed to her i had plans to go teach english in another country for three months so i left and we talked all summer we were making plans to move out to la we decided that she would move out first find an apartment get a job first start sending things up and after i got back from a long summer away i was family and friends and you know all the things you got to do before you move across the country when i finally got out to la it was about six weeks later hadn't seen each other i distinctly remember the morning after moving out waking up on a completely popped deflated air mattress in the middle of the floor and i rolled out of bed and walked to the bathroom and turned on the shower and got undressed and i turned around and i saw my then fiancee doing her morning routine in the bathroom mirror and i thought she looked beautiful and it had been six weeks sure it was time yeah it was time so i made a move and a move turned into kissing kissing turned into making out to pushing each other on the bathroom wall and eventually i find myself sitting on a closed toilet seat receiving oral sex okay great it just snowballs real real fast the heart no it's this really does make the heart grow fonder that's right that's what it is i'm enjoying the moments and i lean my head back in ecstasy and that's when i discovered that during my wife's morning routine she had lit a candle and put it on the back of the toilet seat okay and as i leaned my head back my hair caught on fire and i could immediately feel just like a tingling sensation on the back of my head put two and two together this is kind of where just being a boy is being a boy and i didn't want the fun to stop sure sure priorities i took my hand i started patting the back of my head trying to put the fire out as quickly as possible i thought i was being sneaky but i was definitely patting viciously trying to put the fire out on the back of my head the commotion led to my now wife looking up at me with this look of what the hell are you doing and that's when she recognized the unmistakable smell of her hair and saw smoke erupting from the back of my head and she said are you okay and i was like yeah yeah she was well blow the candle out so i turned around the toilet i blew the candle out but i blew it out so hard that scalding hot wax then flew into my face my eyes my nose and my mouth covering my face oh my god and i turned around screaming as there is hot wax all over my face and my wife is screaming seeing a horror scene right in front of her and i started getting up as a blind man trying to find the shower and she grabs my arm and helps me into the shower and i'm letting my hair get wet or at least with stuff of it i'm cleaning the wax off and then just after a long beat we just started laughing so hard it's one of our favorite stories that we tell good friends i love that it escalated like a movie set piece it did if you had slipped getting into the shower that would have been the third beat that would have made it a movie no rule of thirds on this one but it's one of my favorite stories and when you got out of that shower did you lead your soon-to-be bride over to that deflated mattress and finish what you started absolutely not oh you know it was so dead it was over well he had like third degree burns all over his face there was no salvaging that situation wow oh life big joke i certainly would have done what you did which is like i was fucking calling convenient get this hair out i was on fire certainly deal with that later it's not gonna get worse oh boy that waxes that's hilarious just imagine you turning around with wax all over your face oh i remember my heart was like beating out of my chest as i was trying to be sneaky but also primal instincts were taking over i was trying to survive so when i blew the candle out it was just like make this go away as quickly as possible yeah you're too eager to get that candle out through oh we have a visitor this is my wife oh wonderful hi give her one of your earbuds do you have a second i actually only have one oh sorry wife he's a fucking idiot did you tell me have roommates no no i did not i totally forgot that are you right when we moved into a place moved to a two-bedroom and put six people into it right just trying to keep rent also we took one bedroom but it was a bathroom with a wall shared with the other bedroom as everybody was getting up that day they heard the commotion it was all the talk that makes me look great that's so good to blow up like her hair on fire that was great well gary thank you so much i'm glad we got to put a face to the story oh man god is laughing yeah having a good chuckle up there upstairs punishing people for partaking in such a simple behavior trying to have fun trying to get pleasure trying to think what my most embarrassing sex story is well probably peronies right right but not embarrassing right like i didn't do anything that was embarrassing i was a victim of a crime as you recall you're right i mean of course i definitely came way too fast a bunch when i was younger i made up a bunch of weird excuses that's embarrassing the different things i said well the excuses i wasn't there which i was i had thrown my back out snowboarding and i was on prescription motrin which is nothing it was 800 milligrams and i was like oh i'm so sorry i'm on this new medication i think that's why it happened but they would be telling someone else's story i wouldn't say anything i think i told you the story that i was hooking up with a girl i was lying to her as well i had met her cruising in plymouth where people went to cruise and i was with kenny and kenny was 16 but i was only 14 and the girl we met was 17 and so i said i was 16 but anyways i ended up going to her apartment not her apartment her house her parents were gone but it was an apartment and we were hooking up and it was wonderful we were in her bed it was kind of a loft bed it was up high everything was lovely and we were taking our clothes off and rolling around and she was kind of on top of me kissing then also she sat up super duper quick oh yeah and i was like oh my god what happened like she heard noises her parents and she had this frozen look on her face and then she kind of tried to sit down on the bed really quick and then she had a really loud fart yeah yeah and i immediately felt so bad for her i was like oh that's okay who cares yeah i was kind of like what was i supposed to do i know that's referred to like oh gross of course yeah pretend it didn't happen there's too much physical action it wasn't like she just stayed in the position we heard a noise but did you guys continue or did it ruin it we did eventually continue we didn't have sex at that point it didn't smell so yeah i think all in all it was a big thing because again we were up in like a loft bed so if it had smelled there was nowhere for it to go but for her if she were calling that would be her story have you ever farted during sex yeah and it smelled no wow yeah shocking right you've had so many opportunities i am surprised i mean farted on liz just posing for a picture so it's like a legit question right so weird people just humans yeah what we do erin's got some doosies i'm sure erin one time he would not mind me telling the story it was saint patrick's day and he owned an irish bar that was always the most dangerous thing in the calendar year for erin because you start at 7 a.m drinking tons of drugs crazy raucous bar stays long after it's closing goes to a motel with our friend who i know i think he just made her but i know her from an ex-girlfriend was her good friend okay he's annihilated they are having sex and he falls asleep while they're having sex on top of her and he's a big boy yeah and she is pushing him off and the way she's able to get him off she kind of slides out from under him and he's now if you can imagine he has one leg on the bed and one leg over the bed touching the ground and so like a quarter of his body's hanging off the bed and he's face down so So his butt cheeks are spread. They're very splayed open because of this position. And she's going, oh, my God, I can't believe he passed out during sex.

And right as she's thinking that, he let like a 30-second long, you know, his farts are so squeaky and high-pitched. So it was just, with his butt wide open. And he still ended up dating for quite a while, actually. Yes, that's how charming he is.

That's hard to recover from. That's your first time. How was it? Oh, he fell asleep during it, and then he farted for 30 seconds with his butt cheeks splayed wide open.

That's so demoralizing. I mean, for her. I'm more indicative of his state of mind than anything to do with her. She's blameless in this situation.

I know, but if I'm in that position and I'm looking, I'm just like, oh, what is my life? Yeah, but he's getting so cute and charming. I do love Aaron, but that's not his best moment. I think he would probably agree.

How do you fall asleep during sex? I mean, it requires so much energy. Do you think they've been going and going for a long time? Yeah, Aaron was infamous for a lasting very long.

Hello. Hi, what big name would you like to use? I think I'll do Allie. Allie, okay, wonderful.

Are you allowed to tell us where you're at? I think I might be your first Fresno girl. Ooh. I think you are.

Isn't Parenthood based in Fresno? No, it's in Mill Valley. That is where Lorelai Gilmore's ex-husband lived. Okay, yeah.

Good work. You're right. Okay, I knew Fresno was a part of it. Fresno was a good part.

Yeah, it was in like the very first episode, and I'm like, oh, wow, really? Getting Fresno out there off the bat. Yeah, it's at a gas station in Fresno. I knew I was right.

Good memories, guys. I love Parenthood. Also, Employee of the Month, which I feel like people don't talk about. You know, you're right.

We never, ever bring up Employee of the Month. Weirdly, I think that's the best I've ever done at comedy. It was phenomenal. I watched it a lot.

I watched it last night and prepped for this. Oh, you did? Wow. I've been sounding checks, and one fastest hands in the West.

Fast hands in the West. Never forget. All right, Allie, please tell us the setting and the year of this embarrassing sex story. It was my freshman year of college in 2014.

I was signing up for a class, and I was at a friend's house. And I was a business major at the time, and I just needed like four more credits per quarter. So they said, oh, make sure you sign up for the human anthropology class. On the last day, you get to watch a couple have sex for like 30 minutes.

Oh, my God. Live action? I didn't have this in my intro. The best way to describe it, it was like National Geographic, where you have like an English narrator, and they're talking about, oh, as the female or the male are about to orgasm, their lips turn red, testicles retracted to the scrotum.

There's like different phases. Very scientific. Yeah, just very like primal. Wait, I'm sorry.

Is this a movie? Or they're real people? It was like educational porn. So it's a movie.

Okay. Monica was worried there were two humans in front of everyone. A live sex show. Yes.

Oh, no, no, no. That'd be hard to get through, faculty. Yeah, the school wasn't Oregon, so I wouldn't doubt it if that happened. That's right.

I take the class 10 weeks later around the last day, and then the teacher's kind of just going on and on, and we're all like, okay, just get to the part, because we all know that we're going to watch two people fuck right now. Yeah, how fun. Let's get to the fucking. The last 20 minutes of the class, we are watching it, and I'm kind of like looking around, is no one else just getting turned on by this?

I'm so confused, because everyone has to be. I mean, I was. So I leave this class. I have a boyfriend at the time, and we both live on campus.

So I leave the class. It was the last one of the quarter, and I'm just thinking to myself, like, I got to try this out. I got to do sex or science right now. So I was going to walk over there, go surprise him, and just afternoon delight kind of thing.

So I go over there, and he's in the dorms, and for context, he's on the fourth story, and there's no elevator, so it's just stairs. So I walk up the stairs, open the door, and like, hey, we're going to have sex or science right now, and then I don't tell him everything I learned, I just kind of keep it in my head, you know, so I can be conscious of it, like, while we're having sex. Can we ask, have you had sex before? Yes.

I didn't know if this was a virgin. Like, I just learned how to do it from science, and now I'm applying it, but no. Yeah, so we dated for pretty much all of freshman year, and he's actually my boyfriend now. Oh, my God, I love this.

Oh, there's a big break. Now we're here. It's crazy. Yay.

I go into his dorm, and then there's, like, two bunk beds. So there's beds, and then you have, like, your desk underneath them. So, you know, I have to, like, climb up the ladder to get to the bunk bed, and then there's not a lot of space. It's probably, like, three feet, so you can't really do anything too scientific.

You don't have a lot of movement area. So we start having sex, and then two minutes in, he kind of, like, puts me in a different spot, and I just go, like, oh, no, no, no, like, you have to stop. And he's like, what? And I look at him, and he's like, I think I have to go to the bathroom.

He's like, what do you mean? I'm like, I don't know. I have, like, a really weird pain in my stomach. I'll be right back.

It's like, climb down the ladder, and I just throw one of his t-shirts on. I open the door, and as soon as I open the door, I felt, like, weird. Like, something was really wrong. Like, squirrels fighting in your stomach?

Yeah. You know when you get the chills all over, like, an emergency kind of thing? Like, sweat on the forehead. Oh, yeah.

So I open the door, and then thank God the bathroom was just, like, across the hallway, into the left a little bit. So I kind of started linting over there, open the door, and then I just got on the bathroom floor. I was like, oh, my God, something's really wrong. I don't feel like I'm about to shit myself.

I don't know what this is. I don't want to mill you. And then I was like, if I push, then it's going to hurt even more. So I had an unexpected evacuation.

On the floor of the bathroom. Oh, wow. On the floor. And I was in so much pain, and so I just kind of, like, cleaned it up.

It was solid. Oh, no. Is this a male dorm? Are there boys coming in and out?

It's a male dorm. It's, like, a single bathroom. So there's a shower in there and a bathroom. It's, like, really big.

Oh, thank goodness. You're safe. It's still, like, a men's bathroom. I need, like, a shower caddy to, like, go in there.

Because the freshman college boys are super gross. Oh, nasty. So I clean it up, and I'm in so much pain. I just turn the shower and cool it all the way, and I'm sitting there, and I'm just letting the cold water hit my body.

Oh. Get out of the shower. I'm army crawling back to his room. I'm, like, checking in the hallway to make sure that nobody's there.

Because I was just wearing a shirt, and I was, like, soaking wet. But really quick, Allie. If the pain is persisting, what my experience with this type of situation is, there's more in there as long as there's pain. I'm going to have to keep going until I feel some relief.

So how confident were you crawling back if there wasn't more? It was to the point where pushing it out was so painful, where I was only crawling back because I was, like, you need to take me to the hospital. Oh, right. So I'm army crawling back, and then I take all my might, and I open the door, and he's just, you know, like, hard as a rock on top of the bunk bed.

And he's, like, looking down at me, and I'm just soaking wet, like, shivering. Oh, Jesus. And I'm looking back at him, and I'm, like, you need to take me to the hospital right now. He's, like, what the fuck just happened?

Yeah. And this is a very short amount of time. We're talking, like, a few minutes. So no elevator.

He picks me up, puts me, like, boxes on, takes me to the student house center, which is next door. And they're, like, oh, are you pregnant? Like, what's going on? What were you doing?

And I was so afraid to say that I was having sex. I was watching TV. I swear. They can't get a straight answer on anything.

I know. No, they definitely can't. So my sister also went to the same school, and she was a senior at the time. So she picked me up.

She took me to the hospital, and we were kind of just waiting around in this waiting room for hours. And the pain had really, like, gone away at this point. So I was, like, oh, I think I'm fine now. So the pain went away.

My boyfriend's there with me. We're kind of just, like, digging around in wheelchairs. And she's, like, this is so annoying. You just have gas.

You're at a hospital right now. You know, like, you're ruining my day. I felt pretty bad. So anyway, we go back.

He had a final the next day. So we dropped him off. He said, I'm sorry, but I have to study. Like, it's fine.

I get it. And then we go to a different hospital. And I'm laying in one of the beds there, finally. And they go, I think we need to give you, like, an enema to see what's going on.

So I just look at them, and I'm, like, OK, sounds good. And then I look over at my sister, and I go, what's an enema? Oh, yeah. I don't know.

Do people normally shit themselves when they have an appendix? Well, maybe just the pain. But it feels like everything's pushing out of your body in every much way it can, because the toxins are, like, being released in your body. People do throw up.

I do know that. I went into surgery that night, and then I woke up at, like, a Holiday Inn, and my mom was there. Oh, my God. I spent a week at the Holiday Inn and had constant breakfast every morning.

Oh, lovely. Is it your opinion that the appendix was on the verge of rupturing, and then the coitus and all the movement, it ruptured in that moment, do you think? I felt fine all day, because I think about this day all the time. I kind of imagine just, like, a balloon in my body, like, being popped.

Yes. I'm pretty sure that's what happened. But I was too afraid of telling doctors what actually happened, so I probably could have gotten a better, like, medical answer as to what to place. But, yeah, I was just sitting on the couch.

I was just sitting on the couch. Well, probably when he moved her so quickly, it ruptured. I like that theory. It was going to rupture within the next couple days.

The unauthorized evacuation would send me down the wrong path. I'd be like, okay, I have food poisoning. I have something abdominal going on. But I guess you're right, though.