Armchair Anonymous: Public Evacuation

Welcome, welcome, welcome to Armchair Anonymous. I'm Deanna Shepard, joined by Giggle Padman. You guys just made a joke and I didn't get it. Yeah, I didn't even get it.

What was my joke? Something about a pokey restaurant. Yeah, because I don't have my transition glasses with me right now, which is big oversight, pun intended, or undersight, I guess it would be. And the topic today is public evacuation.

But when I looked at this document and I saw that word pee, I saw pokey. I see. P-O-K-E with a slash. You know, I really like pokey.

I bet you we could have a prompt, though, of bad pokey. No. I bet it's induced a lot of... No, that's not fair.

Food poisoning. Food poisoning. Diarrhea. Splashy splash.

Listen. That's a stereotype. What is diarrhea? About pokey.

Well, you're eating raw fish, no? Yeah, but it's just like eating cooked vegetables. Cooked bread. Just like eating toast.

Yeah. I guarantee if we put out bad pokey experience as a prompt, we'll definitely get four dollars. We could do food poisoning. Yeah.

But that would just be so gross. You know, I have several of them. But the one that's... If we read it, I got this guy's line, which was...

Plane. Yeah. Lounge in... Kuwait.

Kuwait, thank you. Was it? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. After a week of eating, like, army rations and seeing this fresh salad bar full of all kinds of vegetables, and I went crazy, and if you recall, Cooper was like, bro, you're hitting that buffet bar pretty hard. Are you not nervous? I'm like, no, man.

This is like a first-class lounge. This shit's premium. Got on the airplane, and then eight-hour flight with food poisoning to Germany, and then eight-hour flight from Germany to New York with food poisoning, and then five-hour flight from New York to LA with food poisoning. That is such a nightmare.

Of all my... Yeah. When I think of, like, if I've ever been tortured in life, that's probably the most uncomfortable of ever. I think I told you, I was going to...

Like, I was considering drinking. Yeah. I don't ever think about it, but just that last flight, I was like, I can't. I'm in so much pain, I'm going to have to get drunk and knock myself out.

Oh, my God. I didn't do that. Spoiler alert. Yeah.

That is rough. Oh, it was bad. If you recall that first flight, the guy was on the... I was on the window, and there's a guy, and he never offered to switch a new one, and I climbed over him, like, fucking 35 times.

There's no way he didn't know what was going on. Was it diarrhea and puke? Yeah, it was everything. It was violent.

It was violent. Okay, so today was pokey disasters. Now, today is public evacuations, and, you know, every time we do a doody, a doody drop. It's a doody.

They always get us. I mean, there's one story in here that's... It might be my very favorite. Of all time?

I've really told this one to anyone who would listen. I love it. It's incredible. It's so incredible.

Okay, yeah. Okay, all right. You can listen. Okay, everyone enjoy more public evacuations.

Hello. Hi there. Are you in Washington? I am.

Did you know from the Mariner's hat? You know I did. You also got a Washington look. I've spent a lot of time there.

You look very Washingtonian. Yeah, I remember from one of your podcasts, when you were drinking, it was your favorite place to drink, right? Capitol Hill. What a great place to pub crawl.

And then Gasworks Park is the best place to drink a 40. Yeah, you can't beat that view. Why is it an S on the hat? Seattle.

Oh. Got it. And Alex, you had an emergency public evacuation? Yes.

As you know, I was lucky enough to have an emergency public evacuation. I appreciate your love for these stories, so I think I can just get right into it. Please. So when I was a junior in high school, I went to the Dominican Republic for a service trip.

Of the religious variety? I went to a Catholic high school, but it was just for a senior project, and it was through a program that was like building a school out of water bottles. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was cool.

I think those types of trips are kind of getting put under more of a critical lens these days. Yeah. While I was there, like a week in, I started to feel the sickness that happens to Americans when they go abroad oftentimes. Were you guys only in that local water without any thought, or were you being reckless?

I think I might have used the water to like brush my teeth. Big mistake. So like the last few days there, I'm spending a little bit of time in the bathroom, but nothing crazy, you know, just that area basically. Sure.

Very manageable. Yeah. And then so I'm flying from the Dominican Republic to New York, and then New York to Seattle. And I'm spending a few days in New York to visit family.

And the first time in New York, we go to Times Square, we're sightseeing, and we're in the M&M store, like a factory. That's right by Times Square. Sure. You know what I've been there?

No, well. I'm in there, and I got this feeling. And I was like, oh, my gosh, I need to go to the bathroom immediately. And I'm like, okay, well, there's probably a bathroom in the M&M store.

So I start walking around, you know, the sweats start to come in, I'm kind of frantically looking, and no bathroom. I run into the stairwell in the M&M store. Okay, wonderful. And I'm getting ready.

I'm like, this is the time. I'm going to shit in the stairwell. Yeah, what else are you going to do? It was an active choice.

Yeah, but then I'm like, wait, no. No, I'm not. I can make it to a bathroom. You sealed yourself.

I gave myself a pep talk in the moment. And so I run down the stairs in a Times Square and beeline straight to a Starbucks and make it, thankfully. Oh, great. Busiest bathroom in the world, probably.

And no one was there. I went right in, and the person in front of me opened it, so I didn't even need to go up and ask for a code. So that was thankful for that. What a blessing.

Safe to say, the next few days in New York, I just stayed in my hotel room. I was like, I'm not going to go out and risk it. And Alex, really quick, you're going on a day, I'd imagine, 9 or something? Yeah, so in the Dominican Republic, it was more diarrhea sickness.

Then when I got to the States, I'd taken some medication, so it's become more solid, but it's still frequent. The next day, I'm flying from New York to Seattle. Hold on a second. You know what I love about this story?

Alex is like, I thought for sure you were going to shit yourself on the airplane ride in New York. Oh, for sure. I thought first in the Dominican Republic it was going to happen. True, true.

Yeah, with some peers from school working on this water bottle house. I thought for sure he was going to shit himself up in the sky. Then definitely, M&M's going to be shit in the stairwell. Now you're leaving New York.

Exactly. And my anticipation is already crackling again. So I get on the flight, and I'm a little bit nervous. And I'm in the window seat, and my sister's next to me, and then a friend that went on the trip with us is there.

I'm friends, I'm going to get up. I have to go to the bathroom. And I stand up, and I look back, and the drink cart had passed us, so it's there. And then there's about a seven-person line in the bathroom.

I'm not going to make it. So I sit back down. Oh, God. Oh, wow.

And I accept my fate. Oh, my God. And poop my pants on the airplane. Oh, mid-flight.

Oh, God. Yeah. And my sister and our friend are still standing. It happens that fast.

They're still standing. The thought process of accepting, okay, I'm going to go duty in my pants. But you're like, I'm going to sit down to duty in my pants. That part confuses me.

I think if I've committed to duty in my pants, I want to stand so that it's not getting pushed back up into my butt. Right. Or you're hoping it does get pushed back up. Well, and that's what I'm asking.

Do you remember that decision? Maybe what I thought was that if I sat down, I could maybe hold it in. Okay, right. Pack it.

Hold the wound. Yeah. Apply pressure. Prairie dogged, as they say.

Yeah. You look for the best. I wasn't really thinking. It was pure fear.

So my sister and friend are still standing. And they kind of sit back down, and they're like, what's up? I thought you had to go to the bathroom. And I'm like, you guys, I just shit my pants.

Oh, my God. And they're like, what? They're like, what do you mean you shit your pants? I'm like, yeah, I just shit my pants.

And they just start laughing so hard. They're laughing so hard in this moment. Those laughs are laughs of gratitude, because you're like, oh, my God, I haven't shit my pants. You're just elated with the notion that that's not you going through this.

And I'm happy that I was surrounded by people who are laughing in that moment. Yeah, they love you unconditionally. Yeah. But then it starts to smell.

Yeah, that was my question. Yeah. Alex just glanced over his shoulder. You know, there's a lot of subtle stuff going on.

Like you're on the run. You know, it's dangerous. Yeah. So my sister, we're a junior in high school.

So she starts pulling out her, like, juicy pink perfume. It's like spraying it. Oh, God. So she's spraying it in our aisle.

And luckily, our friend actually had a plastic bag with sweats in it. Oh. So I'm like, oh, wow. Okay, things are turning my favorite.

Sweats, I can go and change. So I stand up, grab the sweats. But the drink cart is still in the aisle. And there's still about four parts of mine.

So for probably about 10 rows, I'm right behind the drink cart. Oh. Just standing and stinking. And I had to tie the flannel around.

Like, I don't do anything. I can hear people murmuring, like, oh, my gosh. What's that smell? Oh, no.

Do you hear anyone actually say, like, hang on. I didn't do that. But I just kept hearing, oh, my gosh. What's that smell?

But you know, the drink cart, you have to stop at every row. So I'm stopping. And my poop in my butt is right next to the families in these rows. They're right at nose level, yeah.

So I'm staring directly forward, like, please, get in this bathroom. So I make it to the bathroom, change into the sweats, throw the underwear away, go back to the seat. But it still smells. And I realized that I made another fatal mistake, that I brought the pants back to the seat with me in the plastic bag.

Because I liked the pants. Oh, God. Wait, did you throw out the pants? Well, I was going to ask you to move it to the overhead compartment, at least.

I think you put it in a backpack. The smell is still kind of there, but not as much. I wake up, like, an hour later, and the flight attendants are taping tea bags to the roof of the plane and waving them around to absorb the scent that has gotten on this airplane. Oh, that's a method they employ?

Yep. All my sister's just laughing so hard on me. She's like, check it out. Look at what's going on here.

It's like there's a fly problem, and they hung fly tape all over the cabin. Oh, my God. I never heard that. I would also think, like, witchcraft going on, some kind of voodoo.

There's spirits on the plane. They hung tea bags. Oh, my God. They could have been talking about me a lot, but I put headphones in and was just like, I'm not entertaining.

Well, you're disassociated. Like, I'm going to ignore that I'm here until it's over. Sometimes when I'm telling a story, I tell my friends, like, if they would have handed me a parachute, I probably would have jumped out of the plane. Sure.

Not given a chance. Absolutely. BB Cooper. Without a paddle.

Yeah. I ended up having to go about two more times on the flight, but made it fine. Oh, boy. The head must have fucking reeked if your underwear were in the trash can.

For sure. I mean, babies are pooping all the time on planes. It's, I guess, a little bit different. It's still stinky.

Well, you do wrap the pootie up in the diaper and you make a little bomb out of it. And that works pretty good. And the diaper's designed to really contain it. And it's smaller.

Yeah. So I land in Seattle, get off the plane. Like, a week later, a friend who was on the flight with us, her dad calls her and was like, hey, I was listening to the radio today. And the prompt from a DJ on the radio station was, call in and tell us about your worst experience on an airplane.

And this woman called in and was like, hey, I was flying from New York to Seattle last week and some young man shit his pants and stunk up the entire plane. Oh, my God. So everyone knew? And then Clara's dad was like, do you think it was Alex?

I was like, unless other people are doing this, that was definitely me. Plenty of young men crossing the country. Oh, no. They knew because of, oh, man.

Oh, wow. You made it onto the radio. Now twice. Yeah.

I think, you know, the fatal error was you standing for so long. I think you should have waited until that bar cart was gone and then gone to the bathroom. Totally. I was actually thinking that last night when I was kind of thinking the story in my head.

I was like, why didn't I wait for, like, the cart to just be gone? Yeah. I didn't want to be, like, sitting in my own. I know.

That's what I was going to say. He's going to be somewhere reeking up his immediate area. But at least amount of movement. Mm-hmm.

It was bad. Yeah. Oh, wow. You know, it's funny, because if I'm on that plane, I want to murder whoever shit their pants.

I have no compassion. But now as I sit here and I hear what you went through, Alex, I'm overwhelmed with compassion and sympathy. And, you know, life is hard. I actually would have compassion because some extent, like, what can you do?

But I would still be so mad. Yeah. And, you know, I've got two really epic, very long flights with food poisoning. Yeah.

There's nothing worse in the world. But I never did evacuate in my seat. I always made it. The teabags.

So interesting. Yeah. It was funny to just kind of hear the chatter around you because you're like, oh, maybe I got away with it. But then you can hear the people talking.

You're like, oh, no. No, I really didn't. I'm just going to sit here and stare forward for the rest of this flight. Talk about being a pariah.

I know. You have no friends. No friends in this flight except for your good old sister. Well, yeah.

My sister and a friend will bring up that story and be like, yeah, we saw you shit your pants. That was one of the best days of their lives. Well, again, it's funny until, like, 20 minutes later when you also have to sit in the stink. It's better when it's a sibling than a stranger.

Oh, for sure. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Well, Alex, thank you so much for telling that story. What a banger of a story. Yeah. Thank you for making me feel comfortable telling everything.

Thanks, Alex. Bye-bye. Oh, Lord. Yeah.

God bless, Alex. Poopoo pants. Yeah, a little bit of a poopoo in his pants. Sat down for it.

I've never been sitting in my clothing. I've always just pulled my pants down because I'm like. But you couldn't have done it on a plane, would you? I wonder.

There's some part of me is like, you can't let it get in your pants. It's better on the floor. But no. But it's not.

I don't have a public airplane. I don't know. Because the undies, especially me undies. Oh, yeah.

If you have to shit your pants, I cannot recommend anything more than me undies. Yeah, because they're snug. So they would hold it. Yeah.

And then you could diaper it up. You could. It would look really funny from the back. Yeah, it would.

I bet he was wearing regular boxers because in 11th grade, you think that's cool? Yeah, that's what I was wearing. And I did think, that's a dumb invention. Boxers?

Regular boxers. Unless you're sleeping or something. Well, I'll tell you what I miss about boxers and what I don't miss about boxers. You're not going to sweat as much.

There's so much air now traveling through there. But I will say my ball sack, if you ask, was shockingly long. I have this story. You recall the story about Jamie Presley and being in her trailer and then walking across the mirror nude and noticing my testicles were hanging over my penis and I got really insecure.

And I really was panicking because I was only 34 at the time. And I was like, at the rate these testicles are going, they're going to be down to around my knees. I switched then in 2015 to my undies. It really took me a long time to notice, but all of a sudden I was like, oh, my balls aren't nearly as droopy as they were.

So if you think because I only wore boxes, I had zero support. They were just getting longer and longer. But now they've snapped back. Yeah, it's back to a normal, what I would say, normal.

So that's the pro and con. Like, I did like that there was way less sweat and stuff. But then who knows where those testicles are going to end up tripping on them. It's dependent on your pants when it's a nice kind of tight-ish pant.

I imagine there's like loose boxers in there. I don't like that. Yeah. Here's Lindsay.

Really nice to have women on the public evacuation. Hi. Oh, my Lord. You're an engineer.

That was like, it took a lot of work. I know. I hope you get more than one use out of it. You've got to think of something else you can do with this.

Well, now I know. So when people tell me the audio is bad, I can just whip this right up. Pop it up. I'm so delighted you've called.

It's really nice to have some women represented. Women want representation. Well, guess what? You need it also in the emergency evacuation space.

Yeah, that's right. That's true. Can't be a la carte. So I applaud your participation, Lindsay.

We'll start with, I'm so sorry this happened to you. What happened? All right. So setting the scene, it was a vacation with my then-boyfriend.

We had gone down to Cancun, Mexico, just for like a long weekend. Just wanted to sit by the pool. It was the middle of winter. It was our second night.

After dinner, we had decided to take a walk on the beach. And I was wearing kind of strappy, like, sundress, but it was a mullet dress. So it was like short in the front, long in the back. Okay.

Oh, those are called mullet dresses. Mullet dresses. Yeah, mullet dresses. So we're walking on the beach.

So romantic. And there's other people walking, but, you know, it's fairly light. And we're about 20 minutes out, and my stomach starts to gurgle. Yeah.

So I said, listen, I think I gotta go to the bathroom. Let's turn back. Let's turn back. back and it quickly becomes evident that this is deteriorating fast and there's no way i'm getting back to the hotel we're on the strip of resort so there's just resort resort resort but we're pretty far from ours so i look at him and i said listen i don't think i'm gonna make it i think i'm just gonna run into the ocean yes very good move very good that's obvious there's a toilet right next to you right exactly so he goes no no i don't think that's a good idea why i mean it was wavy oh he's worried about your safety maybe i don't know so he goes i think you should try to run up the beach and we were at a part where there was like one of the big hotels was kind of starting but there was like a little bit of a gap where there was some like high grass next to it undeveloped yeah so i'm assuming he's meaning like run towards the grass and so i start running and it's running uphill in the sand oh boy you're getting a workout in the middle of this diarrhea yeah everything's in slow motion i am running so slow and realize like there's no way i'm getting to the grass and you've now made it too far away from the ocean now you passed nature's toilet yep it was a resort next door and it was all set up with like little hairs of loungers and a little table in between you know for the next day were people out there enjoying the sunset in a cocktail no okay god so i get to the first set of loungers and it's just common so i'm trying to position myself i'm trying to get my dress out of the way and i just like swat in between the two loungers this will sound perverse but i feel like it's relevant what happens to the underwear in this situation you pull them to the side or rip them down it was a thong so i was just trying to kind of pull it to the side that was my hunch okay there was no time like there was no time for completely undressing so squatting get it all out i honestly don't even know if there was any sound hopefully it's covered by waves oh yeah yes i get done and walk back down the beach towards my boyfriend who's waiting near the water and i just look at him and i said i'm going in the ocean yeah or i should have been originally exactly thanks to you so i beeline into the ocean the waves are crashing i'm trying to keep my dress out of the water but then also get deep enough to get you know on my butt so i'm getting tossed around left and right like a right girl maybe he was right about it's hard to know yeah it is hard to know in retrospect but finally i feel clean enough half my dress is wet the night is over so i go back up meet him and he gives me a hug and he's like don't worry i'm like i'm so embarrassed so he's like don't worry about it you're all right you're all right let's just go back home so we walk all the way back to the hotel and he's like his arm around my shoulder consoling me the whole time and we walk up from the beach which has been fairly dark into the lights of the resort coming through and he looks down and i hear him go what is all over my arms oh no oh no no no i turn around and i look at his arms and it's like covered in these like brown splotches oh wow speckled how'd that happen and he looks at me i was like what what did you do poop your pants are you sick son of a bitch he looks at me in the light and he goes oh my god lindsey you have pooped all over your back oh no wowzers wowzers wowzers oh insult the injury ocean didn't fix that i'm gonna cause that oh well so what we ended up realizing my mullet part of the dress either actively got pooped on or like dragged through the poop and then when i ran into the ocean the waves like slapped it up oh just kind of spread it everywhere oh yeah and then when he was like hugging me and consoling me oh what a sweetheart it really feels like when a baby has a blowout and it's just all over you somehow it's like oh wow crime scene yeah now what's his move straight to the pool the hotel wash his arms off or is he trying to get through the lobby what's he doing now i don't know why but we ended up just running through the lobby the hotel just to get to the elevator did you soak the mullet dress in the tub or did you say i hate this dress i don't want to see it again i actually have it oh my god it's still here wow it's really cute oh white fuck oh my god terrible you need that reverse white spot was white yeah so i ended up throwing it in the shower with me just like on the floor again that's what i would have assumed the waves would have done but no you know the colloquial butterfly effect i know it's a butterfly effect right a butterfly bats its wings and it has an effect on the other side of the planet so i like imagining that that morning lounge crew from the resort got out there and they discovered this enormous dump and as guys would think well this isn't from a gal this is from another hotel's staff fucking with us oh like this is an act of vandalism i think that's where your mind goes immediately like this is an act of vandalism not if you're the person discovering it you're like you've got the ocean they would have shit in the ocean you've got the rest of the beach that doesn't have chairs next to it so to come here and poop on our chairs is an act of vandalism it might have led to a parking lot rumble between hotel staff wow butterfly we don't know what happened well i did forget to mention one thing i covered it with sand like that's good that's right yeah i was like maybe this will just make this disappear but then i have been thinking that it was a hotel guest that like came out it's the nearest chair to the water and they're like yeah we got the good chair this morning and then it just looks like it's sand but there's a surprise underneath that's right there's a christmas surprise wow i gotta say if one has to choose their environment to have the situation you were in the best one because again you have the ocean and then you have the biggest litter box yeah the sand is a good place i would have loved to have seen you make it to that tall grass yeah who knows what happened in the grass so itchy also dresses are a great thing to be wearing in this situation because i now think when you were sitting down having your dump you weren't exposed the dress was covering you up for the most part but then it is hard because you're like also trying to hold it up that's true and remove the underwear and yeah it was a lot you're bound to get some poop on it i'm shocked you didn't make the go the distance after sharing that experience that's a very bonding i know we're still good friends he knows that i'm here telling the story that's so cute he had it all over his arms oh wow on my arms yeah well lindsey thanks for sharing that story with us that's wonderful and it's great to meet you nice to meet you too okay take care bye it'd be really fun to hear from a friend and find out you were there and you didn't know it remember the time i said i lost my keys i had to go look back at the restaurant and i put my pants oh yeah next to the car it would be me who did that yeah and hit it yeah i'd be the one to hide it well okay great so do you maybe have anything you want to tell i'd have just so many close calls but i've never never pooped outside of a bathroom ever poop in the woods or no i've never pooped in the woods or the beach you haven't lived sorry i mean i haven't almost pooped right now what just happened my stomach just crawled hi corbin hey how are you guys doing today wonderful you're my first corbin i've ever met i was mine too believe it or not but recently i've ran across quite a few so corbin i'm sad to learn on your behalf and delighted for us that you had an accidental evacuation in public yeah unfortunate for me great for everyone else great what year was this where are we at what happened this is 2011 christmas time we just finished up christmas dinner at my grandparents it's all the family coming in from out of town big christmas dinner everyone bringing multiple dishes people are leaving finally my oldest brother who brought his recently dating girlfriend they decide to get up and go and start saying goodbye to everyone because they're gonna go see a movie the new sherlock holmes sure great film guy richie yeah so naturally i wanted to go too wanted to see that movie so i'm like oh hey you know can i go too and he's like no let's go on the date with my girlfriend go away so finally more begging and pleading they finally agreed let me go along can i ask how old you are in 2011 sophomore in high school okay nice awkward stage so that just makes this even even better right right we get there get our popcorn and everything it's just about the start time of the movie so by the time we get in there it's a packed house only three seats available naturally in the front row about halfway through the movie i'm meeting and realize oh my stomach's starting to feel a little bit uncomfortable i think i was probably just a candy popcorn mountain dew combo that's me no what a combo right not doing myself any favors there so i think i'll just lay off that'll be fine a couple minutes later it starts to pack up again i better just go out of here just to be safe so everything aside start to go out as i'm about to the doors to exit it just hits me all of a sudden a huge wave i turn to the trash cans right there by the door and just start violently throwing up oh no oh wow this is a left turn welcome to left turn is it loud oh yeah absolutely loud and it's quite part of the movie so i can only imagine it all heard i would love to hear that if the movie quieted down i heard him back like i would love that as long as i wasn't close enough to smell anything yeah i love the auditory so start absolutely just violently throwing up and then soon realize that's not the only violent thing i'm doing yeah at the same time i'm also violently shitting my pants so coming out both ends it's a solid eight to ten seconds of heaving and stopping heaving some more oh god from all angles oh you were poisoned for sure that's what i keep wondering is in the back of my mind seemed like no one else got sick very suspicious so i do that and then compose myself as best as one can and kind of waddle my way out of the theater towards the bathroom get into the bathroom thankfully it's pretty much empty get into a stall sit down to try and reassess the situation see how much damage is done yeah realize my underwear is just completely lost it's all the way down both pant legs oh into the socks oh no what to do what do you do i don't know what to do is this before cell i know what to do yeah i had a cell phone but i naturally was not going to text anyone and get this information out there so i take everything off follow up my socks and underwear and just a big wad of toilet paper set that to the side and try and work on the jeans go through probably an industrial size roll of the one ply toilet paper useless oh yeah not the best cleaning supplies in that situation were you wearing jeans oh yeah had it bled through the outside it definitely permeated its way through fortunately they were a dark wash okay that's helpful i had that going for me at least get that all cleaned up as best as i can put those back on slip a bear feet into my shoes go take the ball of hazardous materials and throw that away and don't put paper towels and everything on top try and hide it as best it can from any poor soul that might put their head in there you'll be a gentleman about this exactly so then i wash my hands multiple times and go back into the theater stop at the concessions get another popcorn more mountain do you feel better i'm done with like this is out of me i felt better i didn't feel nauseous anymore but i think the shock was still there to where i wasn't having a whole lot of feelings just kind of what is going on so finally make my way back into the theater trying to make a wide berth around anyone i could try to get back to my seat i kind of sit slash hover over the seat because i don't want to actually sit down on this and lean over to my brother who hasn't realized i've been gone an hour oh my god yeah he's romancing his date exactly he was just happy i was gone yeah so i lean over to him and i say we need to leave okay good yeah he looks at me confused and says what i said i got sick we just need to leave and he rolls his eyes he looks over his girlfriend tells her that and she goes there's like 10 minutes left of the movie he can wait yeah i would too yes i would have said corbin go outside and just sit on her yes that's a long movie that's over two hours no i was with a boy and his little brother was sick we leave well what if the little brother could just go sit outside and grab a cigarette nobody's not he just smells at this point i'm with her sorry corbin but i mean i'm with you all the way to this point but i think you should have always just gone outside yeah can i do think it's a kind of whether you went back but still okay so sorry sorry back to she says let's wait 10 minutes left yeah i'm like i can't wait we need to leave at this point i really didn't know you know if anything else was coming finally i get him to agree so we all walk out of there at this point i hadn't told him any specifics i just said i got sick his girlfriend has the foresight to go up to the counter on her way out and ask for a popcorn bucket because she doesn't want me to throw up in her car unbeknownst to her that's absolutely her worries yes finally make our way out of there i'm still walking nice and funny behind them we get to the car and i'm just kind of sitting over the seat up off of her upholstery and make our way half hour drive back to my parents house the second we pull in she puts in park i just run out of there not even a thank you or see you later i run into my house find my mom let her know what happened i give her all the details she has just this horrified look on her face and i go up and shower for about an hour and contemplate and reevaluate my life sure sure sure so when you were hovering in the car were they like oh i don't think they necessarily saw that aspect of it and i talked with my brother here recently about this i asked him you know didn't you smell her have any inclination that something else was going on he said no i was just annoyed we had a movie oh that's great then i do want to put a pro tip out there to people so floor mats are your best friend the underside of your floor mat in the back seat is rubber down carpet up so you want to take that floor mat and put the carpet side down on the face of the seat and then sit on the rubber okay if you're ever in a situation like this yeah we've got duty permeating your slacks or any other mess just remember it rubber side up rubber side down and you've got a little built-in math that's a genius idea i've got a lot of unauthorized evacuations under my belt so i'm pretty good at this stuff really master i should even write a book like how to successfully poop your pants in public could be helpful oh wow well corbin so sorry that happened to you especially at 15 years old did you ever catch the end of that picture yeah i think i went back to it with my friends the next weekend okay i'd watch the other half thankfully that one went a whole lot better oh wow thanks for sharing that yeah i'm sorry that happened to you yeah absolutely well take care thanks so much hi kendra how are you hi dad i'm great and hi thanks for joining us yeah this is surreal your outfit immediately imbues some things to me right okay i want to know what ralph loren summer but outdoorsy likes to do stuff but stylish it's really it's working for me i will take all of that and monica i did my best we do not have a palatial estate so you are looking at the door opening to my closet because i can't sit in it i'm sitting outside of it it is a bit of a judgmental request isn't it now that we really drill into it it could be shaming because my closet is so small right and i am doing that not to you made it now i'm against kendra and i don't like that that's right that wasn't fair but i see where it could be triggering going to my closet i can't even fit my clothes in there it'd be great if we did check into somebody and they were just on a shelf okay the smaller the closet the better you want a small guy anyway who gives a fuck about closets kendra you're a beautiful put together woman and yet even you suffered from a public evacuation so you guys have entertained me so much through the years but i introduced my kids to armchair non-must can i tell you something really quick i've gotten like four messages from friends of mine who have told me that exact same thing that they're listening to with their young teenage kids and the kids love it and that makes me so happy so that's happening with you as well yeah i have a 10 year old son and i have a 13 year old daughter who i promised i wouldn't fangirl on you guys and become cringy oh okay i listen to them first and then we listen to them together and so i can fast forward on maybe things that are maybe not appropriate right very smart they pop up yeah yeah and i realized in my story today that i'm going to share with you they know most of it okay but they don't know the part of it that i believe really sets this in like a whole new poop story oh amazing a critical detail wonderful well first of all what are your kids names i want to say hi to them garrett and hazel okay garrett and hazel thank you so much for listening to the program love having you as listeners okay so mom when and where did you shake yourself let's get into it yeah let's go so this was back in 2015 and here's the other thing i am going to say that they my kids are part of the reason why this happened they always are as a parent i believe they're responsible for anything that happens yeah i was a runner i still am a runner and so after having children i really wanted to get back into running i had some friends and we would make a thing of getting into the nike women's marathon and half marathon every year as a group so back in 2015 i and my friend brie she lives in san francisco did the half marathon i went up by myself a couple days early she and i made a weekend of it went to the greek saw show then the saturday before the race we went out got our nails done we go to nike and we get matching outfits you went to bed woke up early we get to the race location i'm a little faster of a runner than her so we say our parting words and we line up in the holding corral and the start goes off and i have earbuds that are in you know listening to music i'm also listening to like my running pace what does that mean like if you have a goal of what you want to finish in you want to be running your miles like in that pace right so i had a goal that i wanted to finish a half marathon in under two hours so i start and i'm on fire my body feels amazing i'm running in my ear it's telling me i'm running around like seven minute miles which is awesome okay great so that's what i'm curious you have some kind of an app that's actually updating you as you listen to music going seven minutes 48 seconds i don't want a real runner to get on here and tell me that's illegal i'm not a professional runner so i can listen to my pace illegal oh my god why would that be a rule because then it's pacing you yeah that's wrong with that does that make you faster it's so bizarre about human beings they forget what the mission is the mission is to run in this case 13.1 miles the goal is never to not be told what your pace was you know it doesn't make your body able to run faster it's not doping anyways okay i trained really well for this my body felt really good so i just kept it going so about mile four i start to get a rumble in my stomach in your tumble and i come up to like an aid station and so the aid station has a bank right of four parties it's like i'm just gonna jump in and take care of this so i think it's just pee but it's not okay so i go pee and poo can i just ask quickly you're probably elated because you're already running seven minute miles with a full lower gi now you're going to be light and carefree it takes time out i was in the kind of front of the pack so these porta potties hadn't been like heavily used that's good yeah finish it jump out keep running i get to about mile seven so i'm just about halfway or a little over and i get another rumble and so i'm like are you kidding me and at first i thought i was just gonna bypass it and just let money be at the gas but then it felt a little bit more so i get off the route again and use the porta potties i believe there's so many porta potties i didn't know they were so prevalent on these courses so that's good yes i would say there's like i don't know 30 of them i mean this is a big race there's like thousands of two in seven miles and not just like a little i'm slow down okay you're impressive yeah you're running you're sitting down taking a dump you're running again seven minute miles yeah it's really impressive as i'm doing this i can hear my pace even though i've had to stop i'm still going to be able to finish under two so that's driving this yes under two with two dumps that's the goal so i'm running some more and the way the course was it was kind of rude at the 10 mile there was this like massive hill you go up but the amazing playlist that my friend brie and i made rage against machine comes in i'm feeling pumped i get up this hill and i know that when you get up to the hill it's maybe three more miles to go and so i get to the top of the hill i'm feeling really good my body feels great i'm still running really well and so i'm like we're just gonna go and then i'm in this neighborhood i'm like oh i feel some pressure and you must be thinking where is all this coming from i've already gone twice this can't be happening but wait i'm sorry was a diarrhea your question is so important and it's gonna be a vital point okay okay okay but the previous two dumps you guys previous two are they first was definitely okay okay that was the plug second was more a loose softer okay okay but no diarrhea yet not yet okay so i think that's a good question because and i anticipate it's going there at some point you're gonna feel do i have a fart and if they've been solid up to this point you think you can get away with it but as we see it's getting looser as okay it's loosening so i come up and i run this particular race enough that i kind of know what's coming and i realize that i am beyond aid stations there's not any more aid stations glory b there was like a construction site or something and there are three port-a-potties on the site and i could just feel everything building again and because of what happened the second stop i was like you gotta be kidding me so i get off route and now these are used port-a-potties these aren't like fancy race ones now my consistency has gone to diarrhea i'm having to use ass gaskets because there's no toilet paper to like clean myself up okay great yeah well the junkies who've been using these port-a-potties have used all the toilet paper and now all there is is the seat liners yeah so she has a white virtually wax paper basically yeah so this race it ends down on chrissy field and so i'm like in this upper neighborhood above chrissy field folding gate ridge is kind of nearby and i am like thinking i just finished now i just finished this race there's no way i could have anything more left in here because we've gone up this hill we're in this neighborhood now we're going to descend down chrissy field so i'm running and all of a sudden the pressure and grumble returns oh my god and i know there is no place for me to go to the restroom there's no more port-a-potties i am now with the surge of people who were like in our last mile to finish and your your pace is hot at this point yeah still running really well and downhill there's nothing i can do okay and i was thinking there's no way i could have anything more left in me because i have gone three times now yes and i'm gonna let a little fart out while i run oh i'm just gonna let this pressure go that's right let it leave me and i let go and it is loamy foamy oh and i can just feel oh oh my god oh kendra i am so sorry you're at the finish line i know it's like there's something metaphorical about this yeah there's a life lesson in here you guys had the exercise poop stories and when i listened to it i had friends contact me and say you would have beat their stories by far because i have running tights right so no one can see this okay i am like thinking that everyone knows this because that's what you just think when you pooped yourself and like you stink to high hell and i am so mortified with myself but i'm just like you were just gonna power through you're gonna finish this race and it's gonna be done as i am running downhill i'm gonna go faster because i just want to get done yes because i have shit myself and i'm hitting the pavement faster my strides are getting longer and with each hit i'm like getting vibration and with each vibration i am starting to get looser in my pelvic area and i start to get this like weird sensation a little euphoric and i realize i have now created my own lubrication oh in my pants wait no and i am now starting to climb no you are not no with your poop lube you are so hot oh my god what a sex machine wow you're running you're the finish line's near you hated yourself i am coming down the hill you're coming you're literally coming down i am having a full orgasm i am trying to laugh and breathe like all at the same time wait a minute hold on hold on is it common for women to climax when they're approaching the finish line well i think it's about the i know that there was a lubrication in your your vulva feeling different pressure the pounding of the feet is it common is it i don't know hold on rob write down unexpected orgasm as a prompt that would be a great one wow kendra you've just invented a new category wow what a mix of emotions shame embarrassment elation oh fun i mean wow you had it all i wish you would sneeze at this moment and see if you just evaporate were you making like that's the question i would want to ask but not loud i don't know i get like a chest rash right like i can feel it like coming up with my body yeah i know what's happening to me all of it right i'm mortified but i'm also like i just have to laugh this out because this is so so ridiculous and transcendent in some weird way yeah but you're not like making any vocalizations no i was laughing to get that sound out okay okay okay oh so you're like it's always good when i act these things out i'm really too embarrassed yeah it's really good i have like women running next to me that are like grimacing because it's the last mile yeah i actually saw a photographer on the side they're taking pictures and i'm like laughing it's like you're on hallucinogenics or something finishing this yeah oh wow so i finish i finish figuratively and literally in so many ways i finished under two hours which is amazing yes congratulations incredible they hand me like your swag bag that has prizes and all that sort of and i take like a metal blanket that's to keep you warm oh right everybody else is like wrapping themselves up here i'm quickly wrapping myself below because i just think i'm disgusting yes yes they have like a tent that has like all this merchandise right so i end up going in there and hoping hoping they have some pants oh yeah yeah do you have any money on you i always like run with a credit card and my id just an off chance something happens that you come and shit at the same time oh my god you never know shit come at the finish line wow i asked the man i was like i would like to get the pants and he just kind of like gave a weird look and so then i realized he's on to me okay so i end up purchasing a whole new outfit sure undo him knowing i go to the porta potties again and they have like candy cap accessible yeah so i go in there and i just robe myself clean myself up as best i can and then i go to the finish line to like wait for my friend brie to come in which really quick from her perspective it's like fuck you i knew you finished ahead of me you don't have to show me you had time to go shopping and change it's a real fuck you it's like you've got a souvenir from a gift shop oh my god you've done it a whole day masturbate and shit and change i was just thinking i was going to be able to do this and nobody would know what happened oh your intention was to not tell your girlfriend okay sure sure yes fresh you didn't throw out the poopy pants no because i just spent like these are not cheap things i know i know i know we have brand new running pants they're like a hundred dollars yeah okay you can wash it out i've had two children you can wash me okay so brief finishes and i'm like there to congratulate her we embrace and then she takes like a step back from me yeah when we started in the morning we were mirror images of each other like identical outfit that was the game plan yeah uh-huh and she steps back and she goes what happened to your clothes and so i just had to tell her everything you told her everything oh i told her i can imagine that was later came at that point it's just like here we are how do you hold back yeah because like part of you is so happy for your friend that they climax while running the other half is like so sad for your friend that they were in and out of three quarters exactly yeah it got worse i actually could not stop throughout the day climaxing or no no like relieving i also thought no no so it caused for me to have to go to the hospital oh my god that's what the er doctor thought but then when i got back home i saw my ob and he asked me he's like oh how did your race go and i said oh funny story he was like well that's not normal and you should probably go see someone which worked because they ended up finding a precancerous polyp oh my god so to have a horrible embarrassing story happen like probably made life a lot better they sniff that polyp right out right before it can turn yeah wow yeah and then i also got diagnosed with prolapse which again fault of my children and so that's probably what contributed to me letting so much go sure wow kendra you're a warrior now were you drinking enough electrolytes on this run i was going to the hospital they checked me like i was fully hydrated don't take that personally monica's the electrolyte police i just want to make sure you're hydrating properly on these runs yeah i don't think it was any fault of your own no no but that would be easy to not do if you're like on a mission like i could see me forgetting to take electrolytes but i'm not a pro you're obviously has it given you any comfort kendra to see how frequently marathon runners ship themselves there's a ton of footage online of people running with a full it seems very commonplace yeah it's a super common thing i don't know how common though lubricating yourself with diarrhea that part does sound proprietary to you okay if people have done that in the comments what should they write hashtag happy surprise okay yeah hashtag happy surprise if you two have climaxed while running and pooping that's so specific i know but okay that's what you want yeah so maybe on your comments of your page but on mine it's just on armchair's page okay that's whatever they're getting bogged on kendra's sorry about this we have to figure out the logistics of this but yeah we're gonna talk to our lawyers and stuff about this have you kept up with your running i have and i have kind of got diagnosed with prolapse like figured out exercise and all that to strengthen on the floor and i've since run other half marathons and have never and the funny thing is like i had friends in other half marathons locally that would stand outside with signs that say don't poop yourself a fun community yeah and you're listening to raging against the machine you're a party yeah how fun yeah you're a big time party you don't need a fucking walk-in closet you're enough oh thank you for putting that judgment on me that was fun thank you for sharing that was radical i appreciate that so much that was a dying my story thank you guys so much i was with my daughter this weekend and when the emails came through from emma i started cracking up and she was like what is going on i'm like i am gonna be on armchair and she's like this is like christmas for you and i'm like yeah it is so fantastic so thank you guys so much believe me my mom's got four or five knockout stories of a public evacuation so we call her because you really should be on this yeah she's even got a saying in our house which is green dress syndrome that's my code for pooping your pants because my mother was once wearing a green dress maybe that's the hashtag oh hashtag green dress syndrome if you pooped and orgasms at the same time okay yeah it's a little weird because my mom is the groove if you've come while running right hashtag i love laura lavelle all right all right well so nice meeting you good luck with everything nice to meet you guys as well thank you all right take care bye that was fun that was unexpected i really enjoyed that all right bye can i sing a tune or something oh okay great we don't have a theme song for this new show so here i go go go we're gonna ask some random questions and with the help of our attorneys we'll get some suggestions i'm a fire rindish but i'm a fire rindish enjoy