Hello guys, it's been a little while, but I'm back, I think. Hopefully I can try to be more disciplined in terms of schedule, but sometimes life happens and when it happens, you have to kind of shift everything else around it. So, good morning, good evening, good afternoon, good day, wherever, and whenever you're listening to this. Hey, so, can we hear again, also known as Ultra Light Beam, here on as we walk episode eight forgiveness?
Right, so forgiveness. I think forgiveness is the easiest thing we can ask for, but the hardest thing we can actually forgive. Forgiveness is something that is a very extensive topic. I think this is something that, excuse me, you can't just necessarily say, oh yeah, we're gonna have a full blown conversation.
We're gonna solve the reasons why forgiveness works and why it doesn't work and why you shouldn't, why you shouldn't. And I'm gonna be honest, forgiveness is not an easy thing, it's really not. Especially, I mean, if it's something where you, you know, I'm a stick at work, something happens and the person's like, oh, I'm so sorry, you know, this report got messed up or something went wrong. They apologize, it's like you have to just brush it off because at the end of the day, I still have to see you Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, maybe Saturday or Sunday, depending on how bad things are.
And it's like, there's no reason for me to hold it against you any longer than I need to hold it against me for not even, you know, again, you're thinking about what you could have done to help solve the problem. But, forgiveness, I think, is, it's a hard, hard, hard thing. Especially, I feel like when you are in a relationship, not easy. When you are in a relationship with someone or even starting to be in a relationship with someone, you already have like a slight issue because it's like, what can I forgive?
What would I not forgive? What would I want to be forgiven for? And all the, it's basically the whole long list of questions that you ask yourself in a relationship. I would say, again, I'm talking from experience.
Forgiveness is not an easy thing to give to someone, especially if they've ever hurt you, especially if they've ever hurt you, because they hurt you. And part of you is like, how can I forgive you? Why can I forgive you? What's the point of forgiving?
And when I look at that situation and all the situations and the other forgiveness, when you have to forgive someone, it's not necessarily for them. I mean, they will feel a slight sense of relief, like a slight tinge, you know, nothing to say that they are completely 100%. But, you know, they have a small part of them that has like that side, like, oh, God, finally, she said, it was okay. But it's mostly for you as individual, for me, because we have to be able to be sane.
When you cannot forgive someone, you literally have, I would call it like a Pandora's box. You have all of these emotions that you're locking away due to the situation. And you see this person, you basically feel like you can just come to them and fight them, yell at them, whatever. However far mentally you go, depending on the situation.
And it's hard for you to completely live. Now, don't get me wrong. It's okay to have emotions. But when you always see this person and every time you see them, you are in a place where you feel like I can't stand them.
I, you know, your mind goes back to what happened and how bad it was or how sad and what happened and how it happened. And you remember it like it was yesterday. And in many cases, while you are losing sleep, that person, even though they're troubled about the situation, they're getting sleep. And this is when you shift the burden from them and you hold it on yourself.
You're carrying your burdens and your feelings and you're carrying theirs. And unfortunately, it gets worse. It gets even ridiculous to the point where you start acting out or you answer a certain way to people or you don't want to be around anybody. And you have all these different things going on simply because I can't forgive you.
I can't confront you, tell you what you did wrong, tell you how I felt, and just say, we're good, we're good. We're done. Now, forgiveness doesn't mean, and I'll reiterate it, it doesn't mean that it is okay to just go right back to conversations. Like, oh yeah, I'll talk to you, I'll call you.
No, you forgave the person. That means you can move on. That means you can delete that number and not, you know, have that small part of you in the back of your head that's like, oh, yeah, you know, I wonder if I should call them. No, if you know that you are completely done over with it, just be completely done over it.
Don't put yourself in a downward spiral just because you guys are good. You forgave them. It doesn't necessarily always mean that 100%. You know, you guys can walk down the same street.
I still might not like you because of what happened. I forgive you, but it doesn't mean that you and I can still share that same space that we once share. It doesn't mean that you can call me or I can call you. I'm done with the situation.
I'm moving on, and which I'm moving on from you also, excuse me, as that person in my life. Now, forgiveness, I say, is hard for us to give out, but we know how to ask for it. Ever since the dawn of time, when we have pissed our parents off, disappointed them, not even just parents, any family member or friend. You piss them off, disappoint them, make them mad.
Excuse me. And you have to apologize. And you are hoping, begging, praying in your heart that they will forgive you. And when you receive it, you have this wave of relief.
But then when the tables have turned into your turn to get pissed off or disappointed, it's hard for you to even forgive. It could even be the same person you pissed off years ago. And it's hard for you to forgive them. And then you compare it, which we shouldn't do.
Don't compare one act to another. An act is an act. Good, bad, ugly, evil. It is what it is.
You should not compare you stabbing me to me giving you a paper cut when you're reaching the guard and justify it. Then you know you have a serious problem. But when I look at forgiveness and I'm not going to throw anything of religion in here at all, because even when you put that to the side, you have people who go to church, they go to a mosque, they go to temple, they go to wherever they worship. And they are taught about forgiveness, but they do not follow what they are taught.
Excuse me. They don't follow what they're taught. So I'm not even going to put that in there. I just know that's something that it's hard for us to actually do.
I can say in my past relationships, I feel like I've forgiven. I'm done. But it doesn't mean I'm going to talk to you. It doesn't mean that you and I can go back to what it was.
I know I can totally move on from you and not have a second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, or seventh thought about calling you or texting you to see how you're doing. I had a situation where I had something that I was talking to and they unfortunately didn't work out how things go. So I was being nice and I said, hey, happy belated birthday. How are you doing?
Okay, great day. And I didn't know if I hear, oh yeah, I'm actually away right now. But would you like to celebrate with me? Hi, at Miss T.
Fordham. And he goes on about wanting me to celebrate my his birthday with me. And I'm just like, if I never told you anything else before, be happy I told you that one. But too, you've never said anything to me this entire time.
So this is why I'm saying forgiveness is not easy. But I have to do it personally because I am so not trying to have this person in the back of my mind. I am so not trying to walk down the street, see a couple holding hands and I'm going to get pissed off and be like, you know, if you only did this and if you only did that, if it was meant to be, it would have. I learned my lesson, but most of all, I also learned how much more mature I got a little.
I'll say a little. I'm a little bit more mature than I thought I was. I, that's my mom. I said, hey, question.
So this is what he said. This is what was done. What would you do? She's like, no, I'm not even interested.
I said, well, good because I personally didn't even answer him. So we were on the same level. So I knew I leveled up because I'm on the same level with her. And she was basically thinking the same thing I was thinking and I was happy.
Now, I know forgiveness is not something, as I said, it's not a subject that I feel like I'm an expert on. I'm only speaking about it in my experience. Miss Fordham, if you have anything that you want to talk about where forgiveness is concerned, please let me know. But all I know is that when you have to forgive someone, it's hard as hell.
When we want it, we can ask for it and we are hoping that we get it. And that's all. That's what I realize. We're so used to doing it, but we're not used to actually being the one to forgive someone else, especially even friendships.
Sometimes you haven't talked to someone in a while or you haven't, you know, you and them, you just have never had that one on one. Again, I speak from experience, but trust me, when you, me, I'll say me, I'll even you, me. When I realized that I had to just forgive the situation, like I did not physically come and say I forgive you for the situation for what happened. I'm saying in my heart, I'm forgiving the situation because I don't have time for it.
Seeing this Fordham exactly, I had to forgive my biological father for being a horrible person and father, and I was younger as an adult. That, you just brought up a wonderful subject and that just like every light bulb I ever had in my mind just literally lit up. So this is a beautiful example of forgiveness. I have let go of ever having a relationship with him.
He's so toxic and it was ruining my relationship, my now husband. Beautiful. Okay, so now we have something else. Parents.
Parents. We love them. And as I always say, sometimes you don't always have to have a necessary father in your life or our mother, but you always have that figure in your life that becomes your mother or father. So within this conversation that we're having, I wanted to make it as general, but I need to be specific to what Ms.
Fordham said because you had to forgive him, you had to let it go. And because it's ruining the relationship with your husband, it's like, no, I need to let you go because I need to live my life now. And I think that is beautiful. I think that is so beautiful.
And the reason why I say that is because parents, especially, they are that person or people. If you have one or both, doesn't matter. Once you have someone in your life that becomes that mother father to you and they do something that harms you. It is something that you cannot just say, you wake up in the morning and say, oh, yeah, I forgive you for doing this to me or I forgive you for saying all of these horrible things.
And yes, Ms. Fordham, you are firmly from your parents influence all your relationships with the rest of your life romantic or otherwise, because it is true. When you have someone in your life that's supposed to be teaching you and they think all of their habits, their trends, what they do, good, bad or ugly or otherwise, it will affect you because that is what you have grown up to do. That's what you are doing.
That is what you're used to. So if you see your mom doing something constantly or your dad doing something constantly or behaving a certain way constantly, it also tends, I would say, in my opinion. I feel like it also calls you to put walls up that you don't necessarily mean to put there, but at the same time, you don't need that again. And it doesn't have to be, oh, I just don't need somebody as a father in my life to do this now.
Any man that can happen to you, because that's my father. That was supposed to be my first love. This was supposed to be that person that's there for me. And you basically have to show me otherwise.
So if I meet someone, I get married, I'm not going to be 100% good because part of me in the back of my mind is like, well, are you going to treat me the same way? If you do something, I don't want it to remind me of what I'm supposed to leave behind. So you have to be able to forgive him for what he did. But it's like, it's still the craziest thing because it's like part of you goes, well, why should I forgive him?
And he did all this to me. It's like, it's not even for him. It's for you. If it ruins your relationship, no, like you have to forgive him.
And it's only for your personal sanity because at the end of it all, when everything around you is missing, you still have your husband. You hit us for better or for worse. So even if, let's just say I was married and my husband and I, we go from an apartment to a box, that box is ours. It's you and me still.
I'm not just going to get up and leave. This is us. We got to work this out. So if I have all these other issues with my father, it will get in the way of it.
So I got to make sure I'm good where he's concerned. So I'm just for them big ups to you, big ups to you. I don't think everybody can really truly sit and say, yeah, I'm going to forgive my dad. I'm going to forgive my mom.
It's not the easiest thing to do. And I commend you immensely so much for that. And I think that is beautiful. And to be honest, that is like, your husband needs to be very happy because that is true wife material.
The reason why I say that is because people are not always willing to deal with their issues. Even if you're married, you're not willing to deal with it. And then unfortunately, it kind of does things in the current relationship and it makes things go from bad to worse. And trust me, divorce is not something I believe in.
It's like, listen, we're arguing, you go in one room, I go in one room, we take a deep breath and we come back around and do this again. So Ms. Fordham, trust me, commend you so much. Highly, highly.
He said absolutely he was physically verbal and mentally abusive to every wife or girlfriend he's ever had because he's had a whole upbringing. So he was trying to keep that negative chain going. And my husband told me I needed to end that bad cycle. And he was right.
Yes. Yes. Again, well, this is a great couple that I'm hearing about now. That to me is beautiful.
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. To know that he can tell you that and to know that you can listen and take his advice. Both of y'all good. Yeah, both good.
Both of you guys, I wish I would just say, I'm fruit basket, say you're a car because this seems like this is going to just more than work. This is it. And I'm saying this because again, you're married, people are not always willing to want to fix their issues or have someone telling them, hey, I think, you know, the issues happening with your dad is kind of, you know, affecting it. And it's not an easy thing.
And yes, just as you're saying, it wasn't easy. It wasn't an easy thing to listen, I know that. But the fact that you did says so much more about you than even at moment when you were just like, I don't know, I'm not sure. Trust me, you have done what I feel a lot of people are not able to do.
And when you're able to do it, your life is a lot better. Mentally, you're more clear. You know, even in the relationship, you have even more open communication because you're not afraid about, okay, you know what, should I, shouldn't I. Now you're like, you know what, this is bothering me.
And to hear that this is something that you were able to confront. I highly commend you for it. You are a very independent woman. You learn how to submit.
My mother's also the same as you if you were a tourist, make sense if you're a Leo, make sense if you're a Leo, make sense because those are the ones, especially that rule my house. Those are the women that are topping the house, but the Leo's first in the tourist, then the lead run to end. But trust me, being independent is one thing where you have to get to that point to of wanting to confront wanting to do it. But as I said, and I know I say it because my mom is the same way, very independent, even though you can tell her Scorpio well, I heard about y'all too.
Trust me, y'all another set. Okay. But once you're independent person, that's what it literally you have to talk to yourself to get things done. Trust me, I understand.
You have to set your mind on that goal. You have to set your mind to say, okay, I want to do this. I, this is what I'm trying to do. This is what I'm focused on.
And to me, I don't even think it's about submitting. I feel it's more like you just say, you know what, I'm just unlatch the door and I'm gonna crack in and say what you gotta say. Because when you're independent again, your mind, it's you, your mind, your thoughts, your world kind of not to say that you're being selfish at all, not at all. But because you're used to getting things done.
And when you get it done, you know that result that you're gonna get. So where that's concerned, I understand what you mean. But I don't even think it's about submitting. I think you just at that point were like, you know what, let me actually hear what you have to say.
Let me actually hear submitting to me would have been like, if he told you to do it and you were like, no, I don't want to. No, I'm good. No, I'm fine. You're submitting more to yourself.
To me, in my opinion, because you're not willing to actually let him come in and say, you know, what he has to say. But as I said, I'm only trying to partially speak from clips of experience of my life, things that I've heard, things that I've experienced. So please, I quote you on anything. You said submitting because you have to trust him and it will lead you even when you don't believe it.
Okay, fully get it fully get it. As I said, your marriage seems beautiful. You guys seem so much even more to me together now being that he asked you to do something because of what he was seeing and the patterns and most of what he doesn't want to see you hurt. He doesn't want you mentally to be, you know, your mind to be so clouded and because of that issue.
So I think kudos to you kudos to him. That is so wonderful. But I know and just as you know, forgiving is not an easy thing to do, especially in the case that you had. That is so hard, but I am so happy for you that you got it done.
So happy for you that you got it done. I never had that experience. But I've heard of other experiences like that, such as yours, where you have a family member who, you know, is not right. They don't do things that are right.
And I always hear about as they, you know, I always hear especially from my friends, well, as I got older, you know, this is how I feel about men. This is how I feel about women. This is how I feel about this. So I trust me, I get it.
When you're young, as my mom always says, even though you might have been small, it doesn't mean that you're dumb. It doesn't mean that you didn't understand. You might not have been able to convey your words the way that I can now. But what you saw, what you experienced will stick with you and it will affect you for the rest of your life.
I mean, I can even be silly right now and I can give an example of why. So when I was little, I was in my grandmother's house and I was like, okay, grandma can have grilled cheese. This might sound very silly. I said for grilled cheese, she says cool.
My family is Jamaican and Grenadian. So I was on Jamaican, I was on Jamaican border, my grandmother. So she's making me my grilled cheese and all I know my grilled cheese on the table, I flipped the bread over. I saw something blue and green.
So I kind of paused and I said, no, that's not me. Like, I know I didn't do it. And by the time I flipped it over, I kind of just like left. I left.
And then I went, I told my dad, I said, so, um, Brett, blue and green. He was like, what are you talking about blue and green? I explained it to him. He's literally being hysterical.
And I'm looking at him like it's not even funny. And then he kind of switches it up and goes, oh, you know, ha ha ha mold. I'm like, no, I'm not laughing. So to this day, I am, I'm not scared of mold, but I hate to see it.
So if I clean the fridge and I start seeing things fuzz up, I kind of think if I need a container. Like if I want it, like it was glass, I'm a choice. But if it's like when I'm cheap plastic, Chinese container, I'm like, no, I could just throw out the entire thing and we'll do this again next time because I honestly, I can't stand mold because of that. It's something that has stuck with me until this very time.
When I see something moldy, it drives me nuts. I freak out. I close the bag or I close the container and I kind of put it to the side. I have to take a deep breath and actually deal with it.
So again, things that happen to you when you're little, trust me, it affects you. Things that you see, things that you hear. You might not even necessarily always remember completely what it was, but you can just remember that one defining moment that caused your whole mind to just be all over the place. Your whole, your whole mind is just like, wow, this is why I'm this way and this is why this is this way.
So trust me. I get it, Ms. Ford. I'm thank you so much for spending time with me.
I'm with you. I don't play with mold. Listen, I see that. I literally start, I can literally record a sample of how I behave when I see mold.
You will swear. I just saw somebody like somebody just trying to rob me or the house on fire. Like, I literally freak out. So I try my best.
If somebody else leaves food in the fridge and I'm not aware of it and I go to check it, I usually can tell. Okay, I didn't know it was there because it was so far back and so on the side and underneath and all over the place. I'm like, already know what's going down. So I have like a kind of a method to kind of get the stuff out without having to like look at it.
Cause if I look at it and I'm going to lose my whole, my whole entire mental stability will be completely. I'll be, I'll be, I'll be crippled just cause it's a mold. So. Oh, thank you.
Thank you. Of course I always support you guys on your podcast. Cause my last podcast was actually supposed to be about millennials. And the millennial thing I had to put on hold because I'm listening to work a lot being resonated.
Much really. Miss thank you so much. My last day about forgiveness. And I hope that you enjoyed it.
That it was insightful, hopefully, hopeful. Hope that it was everything that it could be possible. You know, if you have any ideas.