How much bigger in the fucking gaping whore back off? Hey everybody, welcome to Awesome World, the final awesome world in the Los Angeles studio for me. It's packing all morning and putting stuff in the pod and going through the garage and sorting out who can come and who can stay and being pretty cutthroat with that stuff because it doesn't really, it's just stuff and I think having this feeling that these things are just things and they're not that important is part of the process of me letting go of my past life. I think being sober and slowly but surely changing my ways, changing my opinions, changing the way I walk through the world has made things like that pretty easy to let go of, just understanding that what is important in life and like little things like opening containers and seeing stuff that I had no idea even, I was like, oh wow, I didn't even, I didn't even know I owned that and I was like, well did you miss it?
And the answer is no, I haven't found anything yet that I didn't know I had where I found it and went, oh man, that was a close one, I didn't want to throw that away. There's nothing, none of it is that important, it makes you realize. I will say this, at one point I was going to sell the car, I had a plan, if I sold the car it might be enough exactly the right amount to pay off my ex and I was like, I would do that, I would pay off her so that, you know, because I might, you know, I'm pretty sure it will work out, you know, it always does. If you keep working and you keep striving and creating and I just, it was just more like, you know, when you know, like my goals are different, you know, like it used to be, you know, if I made a lot of money and I was very successful, then people would, you know, I guess celebrate me, you know, I'd be celebrated and people would go, hey man, that's really cool and don't take this the wrong way but if I don't really know you and you go, that's really cool what you did, it doesn't really mean that much, you know, it's like the people that you love, I'll tell you what I've noticed lately, man, is my girlfriend has said some things to me recently where they're very complimentary on things that I've done or do that has made me realize that, and I don't know what this means, I haven't really had time to think about it, but I've never had somebody, I've definitely never dated anybody that has said what you just did was amazing.
I know that, you know, I know I've got brand-new dimension stuff and I don't remember stuff, but I don't remember anybody that I've ever dated going saying, you're pretty amazing, that was incredible, I don't know how you do that, that's amazing. Maybe I'm not saying I'm right, I'm just saying that's what I remember, I don't remember anything, I just don't, you know, like maybe I remember the things where you say negative things and I don't remember the things that are complimentary because I was high and I was just looking for the next thing, that's an argument that I'll allow, but as far as I remember, I've never dated anybody that said, you know, like I've done some stuff, you know, when I did the loop, I don't remember anybody going, that was amazing that you did the loop, I think that was pretty amazing, you know, like when I look back, okay that's pretty crazy, you don't even really skate anymore, you just did the loop and you got destroyed before it, like I popped three bursts of sacks, my knee was barely bending, and then I shoulder blocked the flat and then I whipped out, so both sides I attacked, and then I made it, and I was the 13th person ever in the world to do the loop on a skateboard. I'm pretty sure, I'm not for sure for sure, but I'm pretty sure the 12 people before me were skating all the time, but nobody ever said anything, and I'm not like Paul, I never really thought Paul made it all, I never did it for that, but you know, yesterday I did this thing I posted on Instagram, we only did a little half flip, some sort, half twist bullshit thing that Tony Hawk does, and I just don't skate anymore man, I'm old, you know, like jumping in the air and landing on the ground, it's like on the flat ground, it's just like nah, now I'm gonna pass on that, and you know, I haven't skated for a while, I always haven't skated for a while, I don't fucking skate, you know, like I skate every now and then when I get a chance for fun, and I'm just not like what I was at all, I'm not that athletic anymore, I'm a little bit slower, I've definitely since we started moving, I haven't trained anywhere near as much, so I'm definitely not in top shape, and I just figured out how to do it eventually, not the best version of it, but I did do it, and you know, like you don't know how far off I was at the start, and how like, you know, my body's like, what are you fucking doing dude, like you can barely drop in and you're gonna front flip out, like it's a bad idea, but you know, I'll do the same thing that I always have done in my life is, you know, if I don't know what I'm doing, I'll do it, kind of guinea pig myself, if that makes any sense where I'll do it and get hurt, but when I get hurt, I do this little like, I process it, you know, like I'm like where did you go wrong, and how do you learn from it, and really there's this thing when you try stuff that's scary, you kind of go into a little bit of shock when you do it, you don't really do anything you're supposed to do, but I will kind of like, play the tape back and go right, and then there's this thing where it's like, you have traits that, especially when you get sober, that you try to get rid of, you know, I mean there's a couple of mine that I might not, now I'm gonna keep those and that's, I'm gonna close the window real quick, is that what it is? Yeah.
That's aggression, you know, like being angry, being, it's funny, being a tough coach, you know, don't talk bad about yourself, I've learned that, but also when you're a tough coach, you know, like if I help people boxing, if I really know them, I'll be like, don't be such a bitch, you know, and I don't mean it in a bad way, and I don't say that to people that don't know me, because if you don't know me and I call you a bitch, you think I'm sincerely calling you a bitch, you know, so I had to have a little bit of a talk to myself about what we were doing out there, like at one point when I first started trying, I was like, I might go home and get a mattress, because there's no way I could see how I was gonna do a front flip out of this bowl and not land on my back. I just didn't see how, I was like, if I front flip, I'm not making it all the way around and I'm just gonna land on my back on the concrete, and when I was thinking about it earlier, I was like, I'll be all right, I'll be able to make it, and then when I landed one, like fucking six inches off the ground, I was like, God damn that hurt, shut up! What the fuck is happening out there? God, work.
Oh, oh, we've blower seen all that. Oh, okay. Oh, he'll shoot over those. She's a fucking rape whistle, dude.
She's so annoying when she goes off like that. Every woman needs one. Yeah, well, I'm trying, I'm like, I feel like, you know, this will be, it's like, oh man, it's an annoying bark. It will probably be the last time that that happens, because when I'm in Utah, there's not gonna be a gardener, you know, where we're in the, we're in the weeds, we're in the mountains.
Nobody would be, if you got in there, you're an idiot, and when it comes to shovel and snow and shit, that will be my job. So, can't do this, and shovels snow at the same time. But, yeah, Jules, when I came home, I hobbled in, and I did the scene, I don't know if anybody's seen the, uh, Cinder Ellaman, where Cinder Ellaman comes back after a fight, and he kind of walks in all sad, like he lost. And then he goes, I won, and holds up the money.
So, I did that. I came in the house and I was limping, but I was actually limping for real, because I sprained both my ankles and I sprained my left knee. So, my legs are not good, and I said, I hobbled in, and she's like, oh no, what happened? I was like, I couldn't make it.
And she's like, oh, it's okay. And I was like, yeah, I know, because I made it. And she was like, you did? I'm like, yeah, I made it.
And then I showed the video, and she's like, wow, that is amazing. Like, that's truly incredible that you learn how to, like, how the fuck did you do that? And I was like, oh, you know, because I tried, you know, I did it. And she was like, that is incredible that you can figure out how to do stuff like that.
Like, that's, I'm really impressed. And that's when I was like, yeah, I, there's no, I know it. I know I haven't, I know I've never dated anybody that has said that. And I'm, it's not to shit on anybody I've dated.
I think it's more the, the work that I've done with sobriety and working on myself to be a better person. You know, like, if you do cool shit around me, I will acknowledge it now. Whereas in the past, I would not acknowledge it. And it's not malicious.
It's just, I'm too busy thinking about myself, you know, because that's like an addictive personality is, you know, we can't stop thinking about ourselves. We can't stop worrying about trying to control stuff, which brings on the anxiety, which makes you self medicate. That's the whole fucking thing with addicts. And I think all of us are a little bit of an addict, you know, like, maybe, you know, because it's like, you know, I got friends that like, you should do heroin and now they smoke weed.
I'm like, you should fucking smoke weed every day. I don't think people like, man, you're not completely sober. I'm like, I don't think you need to be, you know, like, if you could do it down the road, great. But right now, you should smoke weed as soon as you wake up until you go to bed.
Because when you were on those fucking pills, you were not here at all. You weren't even on the planet. And it was so sad, you know, like, when you love somebody so much, and you see the life is gone from them. The light is not on, you know, they can talk, they can order food, but they're not here.
And it's like watching, it's like looking at a shell. It's like looking at your fucking dead friend. It's like a dead friend that's not at the fucking funeral. And he's not in the box.
He's standing there, but he's not there. And it's, it's heartbreaking, you know. So if you smoke weed and you're 75% there, I'll take it. I'll fucking take it.
Especially if the option is you go back to being a fucking zombie. So yeah, I'm okay with that. But for me, you know, I did the same thing. I did hard drugs.
I did drinking and I did stop drinking and I smoked weed and I did cradam and I had sex, you know, sex was sex, cradam and weed was all I had left. You know, ketamine stopped working for me. That's how much I did it. It's insane.
Isn't it? Like I had people have ketamine addictions. I did ketamine. I had a prescription bottle that said two pumps in each nostril three times a day.
And I blasted that up my nose, eight pumps in each nostril every half an hour. I just squirted that shit up my nose all the time until oftentimes my nose would stop working and then I would take lozenges because the doctor gave them to me. Yeah, what a doctor. And you know why he gave them to me?
Because I told him I knows it didn't work anymore. And he knew that means he knew that I was wacking it harder. So dude, Atlas horse drinkleizer is pretty wild. Right?
It got to the point where I would do it and I'd be like, eh, it's not doing anything like it used to. And I would take a day off and then do it again. I was like, fuck, it just doesn't work anymore. And then I always say like it cured me, you know, like the ketamine cured me from ketamine.
Oh, yeah. And I was like, well, I fixed it. You know what I mean? I fixed myself.
And now I'll just and then it was creative and create them really didn't work that good. But if you did a lot of it, here's how I figured out how to do it. If I did to feel free straight back to back and then put a Zen in the Zen did something where we give me a little bit of a buzz with the Cratum kicking in. And I would be like a little warm inside.
I'd be like, Oh, we've got ourselves a little painkiller buzz going here. Yeah, that's definitely the OD if you go back out thing. Dude, that's the other thing. Like I did a I taught last night at a meeting.
I killed by the way, Zach crushed at the meeting. Yeah, I fucking the place was packed. Like dude, I mean, I should just I want to speak around the world and just instead like, yeah, look at the end I do get serious. But for the first 15 minutes, I fucking killed the whole place was rolling.
It was a type 20. It was a type 20. Yeah, I murdered people came out of me out as I was like, that's not really the point. But thank you.
I had I used some of my material. I got new material where I was like, Oh, I'm gonna use that in actual comedy. I want to kill him. He's ready for you, though, folks.
Yeah, I am ready, actually. I don't know if I ever told you that I was real quick. I had my dad when he relaps, I took him to a meeting and I had to do a meeting stuff to kid because they had to for babysitter, so I just grew up in a and I took him to a meeting and I just started like I didn't it was actually like one of the reasons I got in the stand up because it was right before I started and I like crushed in a meeting like talking about like, you know, like what my dad went through like what he means to me because he was too like kind of fucked up to even like get words out of that time. And I was like, Oh, shit, I think I can do stand up.
I was it's I've totally forgot about that. That we started talking about it's good room to stop. You know, to just say what you're and they like funny stuff. Yeah, it can be dark.
Oh, it was dark for sure. The funniest thing about it is Jules was there and at one point, I'd kind of covered some of my sexual escapades and I was like, that's my girlfriend behind me and everyone was just like, wow, you have a girlfriend. I was like, right, anything's possible, you know, or you want to show the flip out to the audience in case I hadn't seen you. If you haven't seen it and you're on here, I hate you.
You got to follow me. That last hit. Holy shit. When I watch you like, when you know that you land and you're in that much pain, God, David, yeah, that was working well.
It's like disheartening, you know, but also it's beautiful, you know, like, do you know why? Look, first of all, I don't know if you're 54 and you don't have the injuries I have, you're probably pretty sore if you did what I just did. Yeah. But you know, on top of it all, I do have some pretty sweet ankles.
Might be time to once I get all situated. Might not be a bad idea to visit Columbia again, get a little bit of a redo now that I'm completely sober because last time I got the stem cells, Katie and I brought two cases of Feelfree's. It's a Columbia. Yeah.
And they were and ketamine. And Feelfree's there was a time there where some of the Feelfree's were off like they're in the sun or something. So if you open them, they fizzed everywhere and they tasted really, really bad. Like they already don't taste good, but they were really bad.
And man, looking back, I don't think Katie has a problem. I think Katie just I don't know if she still does. I don't think she does. I could be wrong.
But I think she's just like not the addict that I am, which is also like why she probably, you know, couldn't understand why I couldn't stop doing what I was doing, you know, because she just wasn't she was like, why do you have to keep fucking everybody? I'm like, oh, this is what I am. So it was there was no words of encouragement or if anything, it was kind of like fuck you, which would make me mad and make me when I'm mad and I feel like everybody hates me all day and I'm gonna go fuck some more, you know, I'm gonna keep running. So yeah, I feel, you know, I guess there's no point in talking anymore anymore.
You know, but I feel bad. I wish I could explain myself better. You know, when I made my immense or I've, you know, I did apologize, but I feel like I was like apologizing and not really understanding what I was apologizing for. And I feel like I don't know, I think at this point, like she's happy and I'm not around then.
That was another reason why I wanted to sell that car. But now I got to tell you, man, I was like, I was gonna say, when I walk towards my car from wherever I parked, every single time I walk and see it, I go, this is this is the I love that fucking car. Like, this is the the only thing I have to show for my serious exam career is that car. And I know it's like a materialistic thing, but it's also like, it's like my red dragon chain, you know, like, I don't know how much my chain's worth.
It's worth a bit, but it's not it's way it's worth way more than what it's worth to me because of where it's been and what it's meant to me all through the years, you know. But, yeah, I'm, it's weird. I have these jobs that I have to do. So I'm very excited about those.
I'm excited to be on the road. And but you know, it doesn't it doesn't come close to when I get home, this place is empty. Like this place is nothing. The couches, everything's gone.
TVs are gone, you know, I'll come home like Jules will pick me up and we will we have a spare bed that is being taken away that day. So like, you know, we're sleeping on a mattress and then we're in a car and we're off to Utah. The game plan is she has the cats in the back of her car. I have the dogs in the back of my car.
There's like diapers on dogs and kitty litter boxes in the back of her car. And we're just gonna gun it. We're just gonna do like maybe two stops, gas and talk for a second, maybe get some food and then just go for it. Get there, get it done.
Show up. Put the cats and the dogs in the house and they get me like, what the fuck is happening here? There's gonna be one kitty litter, so that's gonna be full of shit and piss. Pretty quick.
I might just realize maybe I'll take. There's so much still to be done. It's kind of, I think that's like a part of moving that right when people move. It's, you know, you're packing and you're doing stuff and then there's like, wait, today's the day.
You know, oh no, I have all this other stuff. What's Molly saying? My kid's been saying hello, me. What?
Oh, I'm talking about the, uh, he said, is Dave is staying in the one? Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, that's Dave. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah, been a guy. You know, that's another good reason. He's an alcoholic, you know, he got sober. But if you don't stay in the program, because it still comes out of me, you know, like I still am triggered by stuff, you know, like Adam 22 talking shit on me because Griffin hated talk shit on me and I'm like, fuck you, dude, like, see me and say it, you know, and then, you know, he has a boxing fight where he's like the biggest bitch I've ever seen in a fight in my whole life.
It's pretty tense. Well, it's pretty hard not to go ha ha, you fucking clown, you know, but you know, I shouldn't be a part of it, but it was kind of it's like, dude, you talk shit on me and then like literally like one week later, you you look like the biggest bitch ever in my sport, you know, it's fucking hard not to go ha ha ha. You fucking suck, dude. Yeah.
It's crazy that he like, do you think he did it because he actually thought he could win or was it hilarious? Because after the fight, he said he was the better man. He quoted a fight. He did a fight quote.
And I'm like, dude, you're not, you're not allowed to say he's the better man on the night. Like you were beaten by like edged out by it. I mean, you put you didn't put out a fight. You didn't fight.
You didn't fight. He's not a better man. He's the only man just got his ass whooped, but he didn't fight like he didn't he didn't face him and throw a punch. You didn't actually fight.
I bet you got paid more money than I've ever got paid for a fucking boxing fight. Yeah, I feel like he definitely was like, well, I'll make some money. Even if I look like a bitch, it'll bring you that's the way it goes. It's like horse force, man.
Like, you know, people I got people on there that are like monitoring and blocking people. I'm like, don't block them anymore. Like half of horse force is fans watch people say mean shit to me. And that's like kind of what I maybe realize.
Like it's kind of, you know, like, oh, you're gay. And I'm like, yeah, yeah, man, you know, like I'll suck your dick too. You know, it's like, whoa, I knew it. You're a faggot.
I'm like, yeah, man, you know, if that's makes you go on here. And, you know, if it's like a thousand people that are like, fuck you, you faggot. Well, that's, you know, that's a couple hundred bucks, baby. And if it's a couple hundred bucks every day, well, that's rent, you know, I might rent.
I'm a faggot, you know, it's different. Also, you know, there's a time there where if I did get involved in an argument and fans came after me, I would be very emotional and heard about it. Even if I won, it was like, it would drain my day. But because I'm so, because I do the work, you know, I assess myself every morning, I meditate, I have a grateful list, you know, what I pray.
And it's like, you're a faggot. I'm like, you don't think I'm aware of the dicks? I've said, like, do you think if you bring it up like I go, Oh, shit, I completely forgot that I did gay shit. You think that shit just goes away?
That would be pretty funny. Wait, what? Yeah, like, oh, you're shocking or I've like, wait, have I prove it? And then they showed me, you know, my God, that's me.
I'm gonna kill myself, which is kind of crazy. I think a lot of people would be okay with it. What me killing myself, because they called me gay. I seriously think that because you can tell with the shooting thing, where it's like, nobody cares, dude.
Nobody cares if that guy dies. Nobody cares if you die. And if you're mean, or you're bad, or you're gay, or you're fucking Republican, or, you know, like the Charlie Cook, if I was like, I'm glad he died, he's a racist. I'm like, he's a guy, man.
You know, like, I'm not saying he's the best guy, you know, I don't even know. I know this is gonna trick his app, but like, I know, I never saw a video where, like, to me, it was just like super religious. And that's like, you know, I don't want to be mean, man, but like, religion is fucking stupid to me. We got into people like, or even with people about that where it was like, yeah, just because I disagree with somebody doesn't mean he should get shot in the face.
Like, but you are what you are, you are aware of all the people going, I'm glad he got shot. Right. I'm like, dude, you're fucking talking about a human being, you're glad he got shot. Right.
And if I flip it and I go, what about your brother? What about your dad? What about your mom? And you're like, what kind of sick fuck would my mom to be shot?
And I'm like, you just celebrated this dude who's a racist. And I'm like, even if he is a racist, let's say he is, he doesn't deserve to be fucking shot in the neck, dude, and die. Right. Just, you know, like, you know, that's the craziest thing.
You know, who deserves to be shot in the neck and died? A guy that fucks kids. Yeah. That guy, I'm okay with, I'll do it.
You know, and it's like, Oh man, you're crazy. Am I? I think I'm actually like the most grounded on the planet person compared to all you fucks that celebrate people getting shot. You're also like qualified to have an opinion on it as somebody who's, you know, been involved on the other side of it where you're like, I was abused.
So yeah, it is no coming back from it. Like people think like just move on. I'm like, yeah, look, I have moved on. But also, dude, it's not even me.
It's the pain that I've inflicted on others because of it, you know, like did I'm telling you, I know, this is, you know, I don't like bringing up so I don't want her to be involved in I know she doesn't want me to be kidding. You know, I love her. I don't never, you know, she can never be my friend ever again. You know, she's on this planet somewhere and I'll never know her.
And that's the person that I all love for the rest of my life. And why? Why? Because I am an idiot.
I fucked everybody when I was, you know, those people, she was like, don't fuck that guy or that girl. And I did. I couldn't stop. Do you know why I couldn't stop?
Because I'm a sex addict. Why am I a sex addict? Because I've been molested like fucking seven times by a bunch of people. And it's like this thing that I bond with my trauma, you know, this is science.
You can, you can call me a liar if you want to. I don't really care. But I, do you know how hard I, how much work it took for me to not want to fuck random people? You know, do you know how much work it took for me to not go to the weed store and smoke weed and let my kids down again?
Do you know how hard it was to like stop drinking? Because some of you can just drink and not drink. I can't, you know, and I've got this thing because I've run from my anxiety and my pains of my childhood. And you know what my fucking anxiety and pains of my childhood are from being molested, you know, and it's like the things that, that's, you know, that shows I'm a good person, man, because I don't feel that sorry from me.
I feel sorry for the people that love me, you know, like I feel sorry for Katie. I feel sorry for Andrea, you know, like I really do, you know, I love them. I'll always love them. And they didn't deserve that, you know, good people.
People make mistakes, people do stupid shit, people hurt other people, but deep down those, I know those ladies are good people. And I fucking, you know, they think of me and they go, fuck it. You know what I mean? And I'm like, who's fault's that?
That's my fault, you know? Like maybe they're paranoid of their partner now, like they're checking their phone because they don't trust men. Why don't they trust men? Okay, granted, I'm not the only guy.
But I am that guy for them, you know? And it's just like, I'll always be sorry about that, you know, I'll always be sorry. And the good part about it is I'll always be sorry about it, which means I will always honor Jules, because, you know, I made a pact with myself. You do that again.
You go down that road again on her. I'm not going to be here, you know, because if you're that's the way, you know, or I'm not gonna be here, or I'm definitely not going to be dating anyone ever again. That would be the last, you know, somewhere down the road, Jules cheats on me or decides to leave me because I didn't fuck anybody. Okay, I'll date someone.
But if I ever do that shit again to anybody, that's a wrap for me. I'd be like, dude, because I try, I'm doing everything in my power to not be that guy. You know, I will not accept if you flirt with me on social media, I will fucking block you. You know, like, I don't play that game.
And it's funny now that I don't play that game, realizing how inappropriate it is. But I don't get mad. I just move on, you know, that took the time, you know, first I was like, you fucking hit me and you know, I got a girlfriend. What kind of piece of shit does that, you know?
And I'd be like, fuck that motherfucker, you know. Now I'm just like, you've got your own addictions, you know, people to do that. Most of the time, I think, in my opinion, are not malicious. You know, they're just, you know, they're running too.
They've got their own addictions. They need somebody to validate them, you know, and it's like, well, you know, I know some people that want to go out with some people that are going out with other people so they can break them up. But that's like their power because of their insecurities. It's not malicious.
Everything's malicious, but it's if you really analyze it, that's why I don't mind people hating on me on horse force, because I understand it's like, fuck you, you're irrelevant. Am I, well, dude, you're on my chat and I don't know who you are, I don't even know if you have one or not. Sure as hell if you do, I'm not going on there because I really don't care. You know, like you're watching me and you're saying I'm irrelevant because you know I'm relevant, you know, or I was, I was, or you know who I am.
And you're saying I'm irrelevant because you know who I am. So when you know all that, it doesn't really have the sting. And you know, when you, you know, it's like somebody typing that, it was mad at me for just sitting there being me. I feel sorry for them, you know?
Like you're talking to my guy, I feel sorry for my father, you know? That's how much work I've done. I don't, I don't resent him. You know, I feel sorry for him, because I don't think he meant it.
I don't think he wanted to do any of it. I think he had his own addictions and his own problems. I think I think the same thing happened to him. You know, but that's another thing for me to be proud of, you know, it ends here.
I ended it. Dude, and I was gonna say that's, that's a big part of this too, is like when you get sober and then also like genuinely working on yourself, it becomes a thing where you're sort of the, I don't want to like use these terms too often because people miss you're not but like sort of like a martyr for your family and what's to come, right? Like you take on the sins of your family so that your kids don't have to. Right.
Yeah. So like when my kids are older, my kids don't have that story, you know, they have, you know, dad was crazy. You know, he did some crazy shit. You know, at one point he was out of control, sex addict, and he had sex with guys on the internet.
They know that. That's not good. You know, I know, trust me, I've thought about running away from that several thousand times, but I never touched them, you know, I never put a hand on them. And everybody I ever slept with was an adult and it was consensual, you know, I never forced myself on a guy or a girl, and they know that, you know, and they also know, you know, that I'm an addict and that I have worked on it and freed myself from it.
So I have showed that it can be done. And I've also shown that, you know, people can be addicts. It's a real thing, but you can get yourself out of it. So I think that they have sympathy for people who struggle.
And they also are very aware of addictive drugs, alcohol, and sex. They know that it's dangerous because they've seen firsthand what it can do. And also like, you can tell they're raised well in like our decent people too because they, all that happened and they still love you care about you. Like there isn't like, yeah, dad's evil for that.
No, which is impressive on their part, you know, yeah, I think kids in this generation are like, if they're tapped in, they can see all this. It's like they're on another level because we've given them that. Yeah, you know, I mean, I'll take a little bit of credit, but, you know, their mother is she's awesome. Again, that's what I'm saying.
And like, you know, I don't want to fucking get back with my mother or Katie, you know, I'm just being honest. Also, I could say this to Jules and she'd be like, yeah, you know, like when people say fuck my ex, you're kind of saying fuck yourself, you know, because you did love this person. And now you hate them. You know, did they kill your mother or something?
Because if they didn't, then that's your, then you got, you've got an issue that you need to resolve, you need to face, you need to break it down so you can move on with your life and not have resentment for people that you clearly loved, you know, so that's why, you know, there's still thing, you know, like a Christian hand, very annoying person to me in my life, you know, some of the things that he said and done, have just been like, oh my God, like you fucking asshole. But did I have, like, was I involved in making this hard for him? Like, have I been a dick as well? Absolutely.
You know, like I am partly to blame. You know, I have apologized to him. And he, I don't know if he really can accept an apology, because he hasn't done the work on himself. But I love that guy, you know, this time we had where it was fun, you know, the thing shook up big, the band got big, he goes got big.
People started saying and doing things that you just wouldn't say and do if you really cared about each other. But that's, that's ego. That's, that's, you know, when you think you're a hot shit, you fucking tread on people, man. I'm guilty of it.
He's guilty of it. And the only difference is is I'm, I am very sorry about it. And I hope nothing but the best for all those guys. But also, you know, people like, you should get back and I'm like, I don't, I don't, I don't, like I said, I got nothing but love for all those people.
But I have no interest in doing anything with those people. You're gonna get stuck in this rat, dude, where you're like, well, that's what everybody wants. So I'll just keep doing it. But I'm not that I don't want to do that.
I don't want to fucking do the old Jason Ellis show again. I don't want to live in the repetitive state of the same thing over and over again. I like doing new stuff. You know, I'm not in, I'm in the third quarter, baby.
You know, I'm not going back. Look, man, if anything, my first choice is skateboarding. I don't want to go back. If I had a magic wand, I don't want to go back.
I did it. Did I do it right? Did I do it to my fullest potential? No, but that's how I did it.
That's how I ran it. And I'm proud of myself. I really am, you know, I'm proud of myself for smoking crack because I did it. And there's, you know, taking it back, you don't get to take it back.
That's not how this game works. You did it. Own it, you know? All I can do now is live today.
And I can share experiences with people. And if you're listening and you're like, man, I might do that or I might do this. Sure, man. It's like, I had a friend that was like, man, I want to be in an open relationship like you.
And I remember telling him, I was like, you know, I love you, right? And he's like, yeah, and I'm like, you trust me, right? And he's like, yeah. And I'm like, do you know anybody that you love that you trust that has been in more of an open relationship than me?
And he was like, no, and I go, right, are you ready? And he's like, ready for what? And I was like, ready for the answer. And he was like, yeah, man.
And I go, yeah, don't do it. And this is before I stopped. And I love that guy, I still love that guy. And I fucking meant that wholeheartedly.
Do not get involved in that, you know, it's like, this is all I'm sorry, this is not all I'm good for. But what I say to you right now is of a man, like, do you is a million dollars cool? It is. Is getting valet and getting rich people's supermarket stuff and not even looking at the price is that good?
It fucking is, man, especially now that I can't do that. I miss that, you know, I miss it a lot. I miss going to stores and buying shit. It's fun.
I also miss rolling doobies and fucking spark them on up and watching films where they're not really that funny, but they're funny because I'm high. I miss that. I do. I can admit that.
But it doesn't compare. And that's why, like, I ain't lying, man. I ain't, why, why, why, why, why, why, why would I lie? Is it making me more money?
Does anybody like me more? If I make this up, like at this point, can we fucking be real? Like, I don't fucking care. You can all leave or you can, everybody can show up.
I don't fucking care. I'm just telling you from my real life experience, I didn't fucking read it in a book. It wasn't fucking Noah's Ark. This is real.
No offense to the Christians. But to me, if you're lucky, you might have one or two friends. If you're lucky, if they need your help, you are there for them. If they, if, if you need their help, they are there for you.
And the only way you're ever going to know this is because you're going to need help, you know? And I don't wish it on everybody, but also at the same time, if you do need it, then you will realize who these people are. And that is a special moment to realize that there are some people on this planet that are not blood related that if you need them, they will show no matter what. Also, very importantly, show up for no reason.
Because that's another lesson that I've learned. A lot of people in my life that have shown up for me, maybe not intentionally, but they're using me. I'm giving them something or there is hopes of something that they can get from me. And again, I don't resent them because of whatever upbringing they've had.
They feel like they want to do things for me because they think in the end it will pay off for them. It doesn't make them a bad person. It's just they haven't done enough work to realize it. I have been guilty, we all have been guilty of it.
But when you try to help somebody that is of no, there is nothing that they can do for you, there is nothing that you want from them. It's like, you know, column okay. You know, that's why I was so hard, man, because Dingo was like, Dingo was that guy for me, you know? You know, when I first had my fucking heart thinking I was in hospital by myself, and the doctor told me that I was at heart disease because he's a fucking retard.
And I was just in that hospital by myself and Andrea, not her fault, but she was never very good at feeling sorry for anybody when they were sick. But she had gone to her friend's wedding in fucking Ibiza. I don't fucking know. She was gone.
And I was in that hospital by myself. And I was like, they'll tell me they'll tell me I'll never work out again. I'll never skate again. I have to eat like vegetables or some shit like they fucking dudes, fuck leaders.
You have heart disease, you might have a pacemaker like all this devastating shit. Dingo came with flowers, you know, took him out of Guy fucking, something sweet all day didn't know what fucking date is he showed up. Found the hospital, showed up. I'm just grateful I had time with him, you know.
But those are, you know, I wish I could have realized that while he was here more, you know, because I was sober, but I was going through it, man. You know, I was fucking at the start of my sobriety and fucking dark. So, you know, I tried to help him. But also, you know, people sometimes lead him when I hear it.
He bullshit me a little bit, you know, because he knew if I really knew I wouldn't let him out of my sight, you know, but that's not his fault. That's, you know, addicted personality. Again, you know, we live this life, we live this lifestyle where I did, that could have been me fucking 50 times over, you know. Yeah, I'm fine.
You know, like, too many times I fucking drank and woke up and took a pill and fucking drank and forgot I took the pill and took another pill. Dude, I don't know how many times because I drank and took a pill. You know, you know how long you're going to be here, man. No, it's like, you know, and you love your friends and they love you and you got family, they love you and they know that you love them.
That's, that you cannot take that. Nobody can take that. So yeah, man, it's cool to have a car and it's cool to, you know, do some fancy shit, but it really isn't that important, you know. It's like, even yesterday, man, like, you know, I did that trip.
I did that flip. I can't do that flip. I'm not good enough to do that shit anymore. But I anybody can do anything if they just refuse to be beaten, you know.
It's like, I just refuse to be beaten. I'm just like, well, you know, snap out of it, you know, or snap into it, whatever the fuck. It's like, when you pray when you're at your weakest, when you pray when somebody puts a gun to your head and you don't know they're joking and you're like, this is the end. That prayer is a real prayer, you know.
You know, when somebody's sick and you, you really hope they're okay. Or when you are, you know, Dr. says you got cancer and you pray that it can get fixed. That's a real prayer, you know.
And it's like, I hope none of you experience it. But at the same time, I hope you do because that's the closest you can get to God, you know. And when you get close to God, you realize that none of this other shit means anything, you know, it's all bullshit. Social media, fucking ice, Donald Trump doesn't mean anything.
None of it means anything. You got today. That's all you got. What are you going to do with it, you know, you're going to love your fucking kids.
Are you going to enjoy a meal? Like it was your last fucking meal. You know, I was thinking these other sort of movies with Japanese fucking doc. I was talking about the other day where I was like, man, if I was on that dock, dude, if I was in Australia right now at Richmond train station, where I had been thousands of times, I could not give a fuck, couldn't wait until one day I had enough money to get a car, so I could drive instead of catching a train.
Dude, if I could be there just to be on the train station and then catch a train to the ramp, because all the shit I've been through and how hard I'm worth to get here, it would be such a great day. And everybody else at the train station would just be like, I mean, I'm late for work. Do you know what I mean? Like it's in here, dude.
It's how you look at it, you know, like my day sucks. If I give you a million dollars cash, would you day suck? Well, no, it wouldn't. Right.
So what the fuck changed? I didn't say you got to spend any of it yet. It's just a bunch of paper in your pack. You know, it's like how you look at it is how you win at life.
Wow, too bad this isn't a podcast, I'm pretty good sure. So yeah, that's a last awesome world for Big Daddy, J. Skakes. We could do it as an awesome world promo if you want.
Put it out as a podcast. Oh, oh, just put it on 2.0. Yeah, just do it as an awesome world promo. Okay, if you want to come over to us more, that's what we do.
Yeah, I can put it out tomorrow. Yeah, all right. Yeah, yeah. All right.
Well, then, yeah, fucking, hey, Jason, I was 2.0. I told you I'd never quit. Fucking awesome. Right.
I'll do my old, my old send off. Yeah, the last show, the last awesome world, last Jason, I was 2.0 in Los Angeles. So I'll be moving to Utah if anybody wants to see me at Wolf made on Instagram. If you want to get tickets to the show, thejsonlst.com for two or dates.
If you want to get my merch, it's 30% off right now, Wolf knife's merch, promo 30 for 30% off. There's Tony Hawk signboards that come with, unfortunately, unfortunately, depending on who you are with the Jason L signboard as well, but it's 30% off. So it's a big deal. So yeah, love you guys.
Thanks everybody for supporting and make the most of your life. Don't die. It's bad. Oh, wait, that's the wrong button.
I don't rub a beat. I fuck that right.