Awful Radio Shows w/ David Cross | 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 176

That's squeezing one out You got anything to say about that? You give homeless people to olives, right? That's right, I do I totally do My name is Jermaine Folterius I'm Jerry's younger brother That's fucking ugly I did share a pizza That was cool Did it taste like young cum? That's enough of that Stop it 100% We're back Thank you very much for joining us I cannot believe we get to have him again Please put your hands together for the one and only David Nathaniel Rutherford Jefferson Cross That's me DNRJC I'd sit there and do the alphabet math right here Worst Daddy in the World Tour with special guest Sean Patton hilarious Sean Patton is kicking off and you can get tickets right now at officialdavidcross.com That's awesome He's fantastic Sean's great and also great hang too Is this the most important thing in the world?

Yeah, if you're going out That's what I pick when people are like who do you take on the road? I'm like well of course when they go of course they have to be funny we're doing funny shows these are haha shows There's two things I'm sorry I cut you off No, no, no it's that and then like can I spend time with this person? That's the majority of it It's important but he's also like the perfect kind of energy and comedy to ramp into my stuff There's tons of great comics and I've taken some out but just his what his specific skill set, quality great stuff because he cracks me up too but it's also the stuff and he's a heterosexual white male and I wanted to give finally, right? Give them a chance And also a lot of we're getting shut down Cancelled Cancelling white It's all about broads now So I feel like obviously when there's a person funny it's an even bigger bonus if the first comic opening comic also like you said kind of sets it like it's a good compliment for what they're going to see with you and then you're just like yeah but we're going to be like whatever on a bus or in a plane or backstage and having meals and all the time and if this person I don't sup with a help No, never?

No, I let them taste my food first and then I eat If it's gross you're like, you take it Yeah, or if I get a you know, a bad bowel and then then they go to the side and eat it in a box I bring a box for them to eat inside of I've been doing this thing for years with homeless people where I'll give them olives like I don't like olives so if I get something with olives on it it'll look like I'm going to give them the food and then I'll just take the olives and then I go back Do they like the olives? I don't care I don't stand to watch I just kind of let them have I put it in their hands Green olives or black olives? whole olives Is it the texture? I feel like the texture but the taste is too strong I like it dialed down which is what you get Let's get shitty olives How do I get shitty olives?

Maybe a can You get a can Go to the cheapest olives you can So I'm buying too high-end of olives Sounds like it A big five-gallon thing of shitty olives And then I can enjoy that Go to shittyolives.com Go to shittyolives.com Tell them David sent you Yeah, I'll get a discount Yeah, we'll actually have to pay a little bit more and then I get that money directly Hold on, writing it down Shitty with three T's Olives Dot But you have to spell dot Oh, dot Com And it's C-A-L-M Like a B-C-A-L-M Yeah Fantastic Oh, thanks for the advice, man You got it So yeah, you don't need what to help But they're good to be around It changes the energy of the whole tour Totally, totally, yeah I had people Oh my god, they said there's no album behind you Huh? David We always have an album here Okay I'm not familiar with the Do I pick something out? No What do we got? No Maybe, maybe Got something in the late 70s or late 80s punk files Yeah Well, MF Doom is okay, yeah I don't know, I'm not familiar Him again Oh, him again Just give me something and I'll Oh, all right It's your episode, so Okay Well, dude, we're going to be here all day All day Can somebody run out to Oh, okay, close to the punk Come on Sure, sure, absolutely Yes, yes, for sure All right Here we go Sorry about that That's all right All right, now From the top It's fucked up Guys, welcome to David Cross There's an on tour with the special guest Sean Patton You get tickets at officialdavidcross.com Welcome to the show Thanks, Tom We're really going to start again I'm great, fantastic Because I don't have much more to offer I'm about to leave I don't like olives You got anything to say about that?

You give homeless people to olives, right? I give them That's right, I do I totally do They suck So you were at Big Fat First Place And you Great, I liked him a lot I'd never met him I enjoyed Part of this was I am most likely going to do a podcast myself And I've been sort of doing this round With that in mind I've always enjoyed it Yeah I mean, it's a relatively new thing But it's been enjoyable Doing your mother's house was great Yeah, yeah The most I've laughed in That was so fun In a while It was really fun And just doing press and promo stuff This is so much more I mean, every aspect about it Is we're having a conversation It can be funny It can get poignant at times And real And it's just so much better than Doing a whole day of 12-minute interviews With local papers and stuff Where it's like The Olivia Times is calling you about Everybody's asking the same question You go out and you do whatever Sorry to cut you off But it reminds me of another bit of yours That is burned into my memory About the horror of morning radio Because we all know And then you go there And you're like It's this fucking I forget the name you gave It was a zoo crew You gave a name You gave them character names Like Woody and the Beaver or something And then you're like Oh, hey And they're like It's time for the Friday morning fart song You're like No, I don't want to do that I don't want to be involved in that And you're drunk When you go there They're used to getting up At 5 a.m. Every day And being sober And coming into the studio And every few minutes And you have been You've gotten three, four hours of sleep You get up You're slamming coffee You're still drunk And you have to go in there And it's not the same sense of humor There's nothing funny about it And they've got all that energy to it And they're bouncing Feeding off of each other This guy's nuts And they get shit wrong Pre-Wikipedia Half of your credits are wrong Now you did something funny Oh, what was it? You did something funny About some sneakers I don't know Maybe What are you talking about?

It's the worst And then they get angry at you For not playing along So this is way preferable When I did I have two that come to mind One was Actually, three of these One of them Where they go Alright, so We've got one more break And then you'll go in And what do you want him to ask you? And I go Whatever he wants And they go No, what specifically? Because we haven't done any work And I go Whatever he wants I'm down for whatever And they're like He needs you to tell him What to ask him And I go Oh, I don't like to do that And the panic That watched over This person They were like What? So then I guess they're in the commercial break The commercial break starts They bring the guy in And he's like Hey, is everything alright?

And I go Yeah, everything's fine And they go Well, he's like Well, I think they wanted you to Answer some questions And I go And I said Whatever you want to ask is fine And he goes Well, I mean What's been going on? And I go I don't know, man I've been on tour I have a kid He goes You have a kid? And he's like Write that down So he starts doing the pre-interview Right As they're in the commercial break And I'm like Yeah, we can talk about that I go Again Anything you want to talk about We can talk about And he's like Okay And the whole thing's fine It's fine Because I was like You can just ask whatever you want These guys aren't used to the concept It's such a foreign thing Outside of the work It's fine But the idea of having a conversation Talking to a person And just asking them What questions that might seem relevant To the reason they're occupying Your next seven minutes They can't do Like the ones they refuse to do Even a moment of prep And that happened to me In Hartford, Connecticut Where I got there And they They basically The club dropped me off You're going to do the show Okay And then the people who host the show Kind of did the whole like When was this? This probably was Sometime between 09 and 12 So you're coming up You're And I'm not like a big They're like This is what really moves tickets And you're like Okay And the club's not a deal You have to do it You have to do it And so I'm sitting there And I'm like Is anyone going to talk to me About it at all?

And they're like Just wait in this room So the guy brings me out And it's him He's like I don't know He's just kind of a fucking boner Of a dude And I mean he's in Hartford He's in Hartford Let's be honest He's definitely not happy The girl that's with him Is 30 years younger And she's totally Just disconnected I mean she doesn't Give a shit So instead I mean not only are they not Like what are we going to talk about He literally goes Alright when we come back From the break You know just do your thing And he just like Keeps right down And I go Do your thing And he goes Yeah when we come back From the break Do your set Just take over And I go What are you talking about And he goes Well that's what we do here Like you're the comedian We come back Just do whatever you want And I go I'm not going to say much And he starts to like Go like what do you mean I go I don't do Like what do you mean take over Like do you think I'm going to Just start going crazy on the air Like that's not like what I do You should have said like Okay I guess you know You're not 100% familiar With my act that's juggling But alright get me something And just on air Pretend to juggle The best was that He cited another comedian He goes So and so was here A couple weeks ago And he took all his clothes off And I go How did that play on the air And he was like Okay and then he just Started to scramble And he was like Where are you from I was like I'm originally from Cincinnati There you go That's a start And all we did for the interview Which was Depending on how you want to look at it A disaster or hilarious I just made up everything I'm going to go with hilarious I was hilarious to me That's all that counts Yeah exactly He was just like In such a panic Called the radio Or the club And he was like Cooperative And I was like Okay and that's when I started doing Pretty soon after A character Yes Burt showed me DJ Badmouth Yeah and I have such Respect and I mean that goes So much of what I do And certainly used to do Before anybody knew who I was Like I would fuck with people All the time I bet you did But not to that extent You had a whole character I love it I love the Kind of what you're talking about You know when you go to The morning zoo crew And they don't know A fucking thing about you And Bob Odenkirk and I When we were doing Press for Mr. Show And nobody knew who we were Pretty much until we were off the air But every time We had an unspoken understanding That if the interviewer And this was easily half the time Didn't know who we were Had just maybe read Whatever press that they You know the The summation or whatever That the person got From HBO And truly didn't know Any of these Like you guys are Now you guys are Supposed to be funny You know whatever So then we would just Make shit up And nothing Not a true word Would ever come through our lips For the whole thing Whether it was live TV Or whether it was print Just making shit up You can look at I'm sure there's tons out there Of old interviews Where we just made everything up And we're doing it for each other Trying not to break Trying to make each other laugh It's like nothing more joyful Than remembering that It's the best Especially when you're in the moment And they're just going Okay alright And somebody sent me I can't remember who it was But somebody found An EPK thing I did For Kung Fu Panda Where the person It was TV It was definitely a video Because they sent it to me It was like some YouTube thing And they sent me This thing where They're asking me questions But they truly don't know Anything about the project Or me And I just made The whole thing is a lie About my character Was a dentist Who got transformed Who came from another world It was live action And then I get To go through this Two dimensional thing Whatever It was just 15 minutes of nonsense And they're going along with it Like oh wow That's interesting And what kind of dentist Or whatever They're just asking questions It's so much fun It's the most joy I eventually got to the point Where I think actually With the character It's that I started to sell tickets And they'd be like I'd get there and they'd go Your shows are sold out I'd be like okay cool And they'd go Don't forget tomorrow morning We're doing Good Morning Hartford And I'd go wait Why are we doing that And they're like Absolutely not And they're like Well it's important And I was like For who And they're like Well we have a relationship So this is for you guys And they're basically like Well we need you to do it And I'm like okay So that's when I would show up in character It's all about the after party I'm going to be DJing at this club And if you want to go to the show It doesn't matter It's really about the club We're going to throw down You'd see in the background The club would be going Why are you doing this That's great Do you know John Benjamin? Yeah Because his whole Basically his whole presence His reason for living Is doing that He's got I mean he's kind of The king of that stuff Really? For over a decade People have told me I look like him A little bit I get tagged in You know Twitter or something open And it's just like A hundred people being like Do you know who you look like?

And you're like Is it someone with a beard? Yeah a little dewy A little less dewy More dewy I don't know Dewy-er Okay I see it There you go But he loves to fuck with people Oh he's He and I have done A couple projects together And just sort of On occasion Just stumbled into Like really fucking with people hard Yeah In a really fun way One great I'm just remembering this now I was in a doctor's office In Beverly Hills And it was a very Beverly Hills-ish Like you know Clearly wealth But also Beverly Hills So it was like I don't remember a whole lot of it Except for it was really A well-appointed waiting room It was a little darker Than it normally would be And like leather couches It's just very nice And I fill out my stuff And I'm in there waiting And this girl comes in And probably I'm going to guess You know mid-twenties maybe And she's And it's quiet You know it's a doctor's waiting room And she's sitting next to me On the couch And she starts a phone conversation With a friend And she's you know Talking at this volume And like oh my god I mean I would never Ever do that Oh please And you know just going on and on Super annoying Talking about stupid shit And I can't remember how But somehow I saw her number Or she gave her number Or something I wrote it down I wrote it like on my pant leg I went I took my phone out And I texted Benjamin I was in LA He was in New York And I texted Benjamin You know the situation This girl is on the phone She's being super annoying Please call her And tell her to be quiet And he He did so she goes hang on i'm getting hang on who's this like hello i can't hear his side of conversation just her size what what are you talking about who's that who are you this is the whole thing it goes way longer than you expected it didn't go like 20 seconds it went on for minutes and i'm trying i'm trying not to laugh i'm trying not to react i'm literally next door and she's looking around and it was it was great that's fucking brilliant yeah that was uh he had her going the whole time and you know i'm a doctor and uh have you ever do you know brendan walsh do you know the extent of some of his fuck with people things no really yeah i think he might be the like the hall of fame like i think there should be a documentary about him all right i mean i mean i don't even know where to start but like oh wait no that i'm sorry i'm thinking of uh somebody else okay no i'm sorry i'm thinking of um the you know the home movies uh uh it's terrible that i'm i mean he's a friend of mine um uh brendan small so sorry sorry brendan but do you know walsh i don't dude i mean is that a guy who looks like danny masterson um i mean i guess he kind of walsh maybe kind of does but that's brendan small so this is a very confusing podcast i know this motherfucker dude so okay here's one of the i'll tell you a series of them yes because he lives for this shit so at one point in silver lake silver lake for people that don't know east side of los angeles it is like a very within within a city that is a you know a blue city is a progressive enclave i would say like it's very hipstery very hipstery you know it's a cool kids and you know it is its own kind of culture there there was a uh gay bar that i'm hearing yeah yeah and i lived over there i did too i lived on uh on my period i lived on the long break just right out like right there so i lived at one point on silver lake boulevard at one point on my period well that bar closed and brendan had a sign made that he hung up above there that said silver lake gun club like coming soon and like you know guns guns like in la are for a lot of people they're like it's a culture of people like why do people have guns but silver lake well he also set up a website and a phone number and it was just for people to be like we don't want a gun club in our neighborhood he's like it's america brother i can do whatever i want it's just for people to complain angrily at him and like what do you do when they call he's like i just listen to them call and then i'm just like i can do what i want this is a free country and he had a site built with like an eagle that he uh circuit city closed down around there and then he put sunset i remember that and he put whole foods coming soon just so people be excited that whole foods was coming like there was no and he would have a sign made yes a huge expensive sign i could get it up there the one that was they were also in the same neighborhood that was amazing was if you were going on hyperion towards outwater village over this bridge there was a huge billboard that was i mean very high up and it was rotating at and then verizon had an ad about a new program for their fucking other phone so what it was um it was like you know get the new whatever verizon plan and it was two phones and it showed a text exchange like i'll see you later tonight and then the other person writes like can't wait to see you or something well he had huge stickers in the same color and font made went up there wow and placed them on the phones and then it said dad died and then it says lol what oh man that was up for like two weeks it was all walsh he would just do that he would just i mean he took over like you know he had a twitter account that he was playing his neglected 10 year old son and that's how he would like promote his dates like wow my dad left me outside people would like interact with this kid like you know you need to call oh dude i need to learn more about oh dude he it was but then people like that like walsh you're also kind of fearful of you know you're always like this is hilarious and then you're like please don't don't bring me into this yeah yeah yeah the subject yeah yeah he scares you yeah so fucking funny man um i was at this uh this store is there a mr show book yeah there is right yeah i want to say as i'm i'm pulling up from memory that i think the thing i read was that you guys like you would have these ideas for shows like for sketches but that bob came he came from snl writing he knew how to like hone in like oh that's a good premise but like has to be yeah i learned a lot from bob and we did come from two very different schools my shit was all over the place and uh it really worked well doing it together because he's uh his first focus is like in a in a kind of classic sketch ways like let's make this funny let's you know uh um my stuff would be funny but it would uh be way too long too sprawling and he was able to edit and hone and i was able to take his premises which were more kind of classic sketch and it didn't really i just give him a travel like my whole thing was like let's tell a story we got four minutes so it really meshed together really well like i could take his stuff in a direction he wasn't even thinking of this is you know again this is like early on but you know his focus was kind of you know going from point a point b with no you know diversions and i would have these crazy things i consider you like for like i think i've told you before but i consider you guys like uh graduate school for me because i when i moved to la wait you you will get accredited yeah yeah you didn't know that yeah if you go watch all episodes mr show and the dvd commentary dvd commentary is like getting uh uh you know i don't know about college but mfa is that right i think it's mfa is that the high one yes that's yeah whatever it happens the highest level of college or university that's what you get you get labeled a comedian well yeah and dues yes physical dues you know and i'm happy to take bitcoin that's fine okay um or hats nothing physical though um like it's something that's like an nft that's something that i can't hold in my hand but you can still sell but somebody yeah well somebody can tell me the idea of it exists and i go okay how much would you like for that and then i'll sign over my house for the thing okay great yeah and uh um yeah all that you get accredited you can go uh you can actually teach in some uh some islands in the west indies uh teach comedy writing whatever yeah you take it whatever yeah language another language um i mean all of them really i can't say well but uh um well yeah what was that um somebody tell me i don't know look it up um wow that's nordic sure yeah i think that's squeezing one out in nordic yeah dude farts are fantastic thank you yeah the fart gag in um todd margaret is probably my favorite of all fart gags of all things ever thank you that one was uh i know there's some things that are really specific to english audiences but uh that one because you know about the yorkshire killer the yorkshire ripper uh that's a real guy no and it's a it's still a real sensitive topic to some folks so when i was like i'm just ripping them yeah and uh and he's so the yorkshire river was a guy who was a serial killer in the mid to late 70s and uh and killed a bunch of people yeah um you know why would he feel the need to murder look at him he's got a good head on his shoulders look look at all those women you see um they probably weren't first of all i want to say this about serial killers they're not all bad there's a two sides of the story absolutely depopulation control that's part of it and like there's some of them like have other fun sides to them and then not all victims were all great people let's just say that and tom let's remember what we're taught as kids do not judge a book by its cover exactly right right don't judge a book by its cover even if it kills a serial way in a way serialized way yeah i mean you're trying to tell me that each of these women was a saint i don't believe i don't know enough about him i don't like the looks of the one in the middle there i don't like what she's bringing to the table oh the eyes on uh c12 you mean yeah i'm not clearly judging a book by its cover though i'm going against my own son of a bitch he got me is he still alive okay sorry too bad too bad so he died just recently oh when 2020 oh yeah um just in time covid came and he's like i'm out of here i'm gonna go i just got out of prison there's the people that uh bit it during covid that were like career criminals that you're like wow just did like him uh bernie madoff who just fucking took i don't know how many billions from people and then he was just like oh you caught me i'm gonna die now he's dead he's gone so wait you're saying though that the people in that area are still very sensitive there's some yeah it's still a thing like even to do it like the actor who played the uh the owner of the football club um uh he was like kind of a also a classic actor who you know in the way that didn't get today's kids comedy you know and uh like even he was a little like he took the gig obviously but he's a little like uh i don't find this funny can i ask you this about because like i like that show and things you've done so much you ever get i always wonder like you know when we see the final product and it works so well and you're like oh this you know it's fucking like it's hilarious right you're just enjoying it i'm saying as a consumer are there is it common that you're on set and someone's just like either playing it wrong or like i don't get this and you have to go no no like the character is doing it like this and like that doesn't make like does that happen with some of these i wouldn't say it's common but sometimes you know sometimes you definitely get somebody who doesn't get the joke you know um i mean we had that on on this show uh you know there's uh there's some people really kind of good at what they did but they didn't and we cast them for a reason i guess but they didn't they weren't they didn't get the tone and as you as you say they don't know the finished product you're sitting on a set and you're doing it you know 40 different times and different sizes and angles and stuff and and don't don't get exactly why it's funny like the way we would live at it they're not seeing that part of it and so but they'll still professional not to just do their job yeah they want the gig and they're again they were they auditioned they were hired for a reason and you know um i remember i'm not gonna say who it was but i worked with somebody on a project that i wrote and directed i wasn't in it um for uh english television um uh and who would occasionally put the cadence uh like the cadence was wrong on a line this happened a couple times and i had to work out this thing with a script supervisor where it was like a code where because the number one thing you don't want to do is uh and i hate it as an actor is when the director comes over and gives you a line reading it's really kind of humiliating and condescending in a way and um and sometimes if i'm getting it wrong i'll just say how do you want me to say it if i'm not doing it the way you want just tell me how you do it i will do it that way but it really gets to that point but i had this one actor who couldn't i'll tell you when we're done with this who was but uh who just so i had this thing worked out with a script supervisor where i'd go hey uh and i'd repeat it the line uh you know like hey did we get this line when blah blah says so i could say it then the script supervisor then she'd say it back to me and then when i talked to the script supervisor about this like how to say it and uh but it's it's i don't know why i brought this up sorry no no it's okay did the actress like or actor take offense or no no and but did they then do it well no still no you can only do so much and they're like all right give it a shot it was but there were also things like haven't you have you talked before you had a conversation where who would say nobody says this nobody i had one of the worst experiences that i've had acting was i booked a commercial campaign that never aired okay but i was that was that's how you were i don't know well let's come on let's face up to some truths it could be it could be with me but it was also with jared from subway before he before or during well we were sharing videos of mine i was like these this girl's 19 bro um no but so we were doing this uh this huge campaign wait tom hang on a second have you thought about like wow we were doing this was he trying to fuck 13 year olds i thought while you were doing the like in the in the did this shoot take over uh take place over a couple days oh yeah yeah so he's probably going home trying to fuck a 13 year old we could have been i mean we did share pizza and that was cool did it taste like young cum that's enough that's enough of that stop it it is stop it he was um i don't know what that tastes like what does it taste like you know it kind of tastes kind of sweet it's good for a reason sweet in like a like the taste bud way or sweet like oh sweet in that you've never come harder like it's it's it is it's a special special place to be i think all right you're under arrest okay the commercial is under arrest this podcast is under arrest sorry no no it was um i want to hear about you and jared jared great first of all i don't know about these charges uh you ruined his life you ruined his life tom he um you know it's funny like you book it and here's the campaign just so you know i think you'll enjoy this jared could only promote healthy sandwiches because the whole reason he got the gig was he used to weigh like 500 pounds he's like all i did was eat like uh turkey the turkey sub and so when he does commercials he can only be like pay the turkey sub and then they go we need someone they can promote our unhealthy stuff which is almost all of their yeah that's where you come in tom right so the uh the commercial campaign was that he's i'll look at that photo on the upper right whole yeah whole new oh shit yeah yeah i didn't think of that one i got rid of it okay smart yeah all right go ahead smart that's him with a fan um so so they're like you're gonna play his brother and then when he's promoting the turkey sub you can be like oh how about the chicken bars on sub you know like so that you can promote healthy and it makes sense i'm like great so they're like you're gonna be um you're gonna be his uh his brother jerome and i really did tell i go i think that's kind of a black guy's name this is what i told the marketing people i was 25 years old and they're like really i go i mean yeah i think it's kind of a black guy's name there are white jeromes but i think there must be there are but i think most people think black guy so they said it i didn't they come back and they go we had a meeting with our staff and they all agreed that jerome is kind of a black name okay so your new name is germain i'm like that's so much so then we shoot the uh we start shooting the commercials for real germain they changed jerome to jerome because they couldn't think of another jay jay like jerry jason jason jason james james jennifer uh jamillian and jamarquai jansen p jacquel quinisman yeah yeah go ahead go ahead so we go all right um you know we're shooting these ads and my name is jermaine folterius jerry's uh younger brother that's fucking unbelievable jesus christ so we're shooting these fucking things and um yeah one day he's like a buddy that hangs all the time and they're like yeah they're talking they're pissed they think jared's getting weight and they don't want to you know he can't he had to stay within a certain weight range and he put on a few pounds i guess this is the friend talking or the the company no friend yeah the friend's like yeah and then i was like oh you know i'm new it's like my first day shooting this thing i'm like yeah you look great man And then he's like, thanks, man. You want to get a pizza? And I was like, sure.

We start eating pizza. And we're shooting the commercial. Oh, this goes back to you talking about how sometimes an actor's not doing what you want to do. So whatever.

Jared's on this thing. I'm shooting this thing with the director. And he's like, and action? And I'm like, you know, these subs?

He goes, no, no, no. They're like, you know, these subs are like, oh, I go, so these subs? He's like, no, no, no. These subs?

And he starts doing that. And dude, we get to like 20 times in a row. And I'm like, I don't know what's going on. I don't know what's happening.

And he's like, you know, you're not really doing what you were doing. You know what I mean? Like, you really got to like change it up. And I'm like, what the fuck?

It's like our first shot. We're going to do 10 commercials. Wow. So we're going to shoot a whole campaign.

A whole campaign. So they catch you. Yeah, it was a long process. So I can't get a campaign.

All those things are the worst. I mean, it was like. Even just VO is an excruciatingly long process. It's so surprising.

But the thing was on day like three, grooving a little better, I finally do something where he's like, that's who I booked. That's why we booked you. That's what you're doing right now. This is fucking hilarious.

And I'm like, all right, man. Thanks. And then I go talk to one of the producers that is like, I think either from Subway or from the marketing company that's like, hey, when we shoot the rest of these, do we have different directors? Are they all going to be with this bucket?

And they're like, no, they'll be different directors. I go, thank God. And I was such an amateur. I didn't realize I was mic'd up.

Oh. And everybody heard it. Oh. That was.

Oh. And then at lunch, I got a talking to. Wait, tell me about the talking to. I want to hear about that.

He goes, let me talk to you. Internally, you're fighting like being, you're kind of nervous. This is weird. But you're also, your gut is telling you, like, fuck these people.

And fuck him. Yeah. You know, like, I also think, I mean, I realize how I was very inexperienced when it happened. Right.

But potentially, so people know, a lot of money. Man, you book one of those things. That's a big paycheck. Not only was it guaranteed money to shoot the 10, but then it was against residuals.

Meaning, as they start airing, then you'll make more. Yeah. And then Subway signed me to this thing where they're like, you'll do appearances. Yeah.

So I'm 25 years old. Huge money you've never seen before. And it was like, I mean, life changing at the time. Yeah.

Money. And I'm like, and this guy's like, I mean, you're talking about line rates. He's cutting me off in the middle of everything I'm saying. That's really rude.

And then he's like, how come you're not doing, like, what you were doing in the audition? And I'm like, what the fuck am I, like, and I'm like, I don't have clarity on what he wants. I'm not living around. I mean, not only is that shitty behavior just, you know, outside of that setting, but that's a bad, that's bad directing because he's not going to get the thing he wants from you, the thing he needs.

That's just poor, stupid, you know, that's amateur too. It was. Our last exchange was, it went pretty poorly. It was at this lunch thing.

This was the last thing we had. This was the last personal conversation we had that wasn't on a set. He pulls me aside and I could tell he's pissed. And I'm putting together that he heard.

Oh, you don't know that? I don't know exactly. Oh, okay. So he's like, you know, he's like, how do you think it's going?

And I'm like, fine. Yeah, whatever. That thing was fine. And I'm trying to be cool.

He's like, yeah, yeah. You know, when you get back to LA, maybe get in some acting classes. You know, I think that would help. I go, do you think it would help?

And he goes, yeah. And I go, have you ever directed anything before? And he goes, I've been directing for like 20 some years. And I go, I couldn't tell.

Wow. And then he was like, okay, so let's try to have like a nice, like, you know, like he just, he changed it and was like. He made the decision. Why don't you have a conversation?

You're done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Now the reason, the crazy thing is I didn't know, like these ended up shooting a few of these and they got them to a place they were happy with. The C, like the CFO of marketing of Subway resigned, not related to the commercial, like resigned from his public job.

That's how bad you were. That's how bad it was. And then a new guy came in and he's killed all the campaigns they were doing because they had like multiple things going. Killed them all.

I didn't know. My agent didn't know. A friend of mine was who like reads business news, read that and was like, Hey, there's a new marketing director at Subway. So does that mean your campaign is dead?

And I was like, what the fuck are you talking about? And I called my agent. He's like, I have no, I've never heard of that. And then he called.

He's like, yeah, your friend's right. The campaign's dead. So you've got guaranteed money, right? I only, no, I only got the, I ended up making like, you know, a nice chunk of change for, I didn't get the.

Man, you were seeing like, oh my God, I'm going to be a millionaire. I was saying that I didn't have. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It fucking, it fucked me up.

And then I followed that guy because I wanted to send something, I was hoping he was dead by now. The director. I wanted to send something like rude to the funeral service. Jesus.

How petty and vindictive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, I was going to send this because you know, they have like, they do photos of like somebody's image. Yeah, yeah.

I was, I'm going to have one made of all my specials, like all the, and then just have my net worth at the bottom and just have it at the memorial service. And do you, so you missed that opportunity, but do you. He's still alive. Oh, he's still alive.

Yeah, he's still doing it. So you can send it to his house. Yeah, that's true. Or get a big, get your friend Brendan to get a billboard across the street with just plastered and then a transcript of this conversation.

That'd be great. And then the same thing with your specials. Yeah, that'd be so fun. And your net worth can be on a digital clock that changes at right.

It's like a deficit. That's a good idea. Dude, that's such a good idea. And attached to the digital clock is a fan.

So every time the numbers move there, it's like an analog. So every time the numbers move, it's, it makes a breeze. So he's actually thankful for the breeze because it's hot, right? Dude.

But he, now it's like, I don't know, I want to get rid of that. But every time Tom Segura makes more money, I, I'm cooled down and it's a pleasant experience. What was the thing that we riffed when I was on your mother's house? We riffed a really funny thing.

I can't remember what it was. I remember, Holland, it was. I was like, you had to go to a surgeon for a procedure and then you reduced my dick size. Right.

And I was like, I had nothing to do with it. You were like, I was down there though. But I was already down there. Oh man, that made me laugh.

Yeah, that was really funny. That was a fun riff. And I'm like, I thought you were just doing, I thought you were just doing like my hernia. And you're like, yeah, but we were there.

So we just took care. Anyway, so you're going to heal up. I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Yeah.

Why would you do that to my dick? Memories. Yeah, it's a good time. I love, also, this, it's really, when I was here last, you had just gotten in here.

Yeah. It was pretty bare and, I mean, really bare bones, but it's really, it's come a long way. I would expect more to have been finished in a long time. It is.

It takes everything. Well, it doesn't have to. You're just choosing to, I don't know, hire lazy people, whatever. Not lazy, but not, you know, what are they, we're working three hours a day.

I think the word is Texans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Jesus. People move here for a reason.

I mean, it's so fucking slow, man. It's slow. Like, you can call people and you go, hey, um, I want to buy a place. Can I buy an apartment?

And they're like, so you're saying, like, I would like to do business. And they're like, oh, sounds great. And then you go, great. So, they're like, let me get back to you.

And then that'll be, like, on a Wednesday. So, Friday, you go, hey, uh, do you have anything? And they go, oh, we, uh, we made some calls and we'll just get back to you soon. That's Texas' motto is, we don't have to care.

We're in Texas. We don't have to care. I swear to God. I think we're only here for the tax break.

It's so much lower than I'm used. That's the biggest adjustment. I mean, do you guys find that, too, like, the slow? Absolutely.

It's so much fucking slower. It's, um, I have a house in the state of New York, a very rural, small town, um, surrounded by other small, rural towns. And I love it. It's beautiful.

I've been up there for about 16 years. And, uh, yeah, yeah. I got it. Uh, I bought property and had a house built on it.

Um, uh, no, no, no, it's, it's awesome. I, I, you know, uh, but if anything, if you need anything, I don't mean any work done, anything, and, uh, I've had the heat go out and the, and the winter is, you know, can be very harsh up there. And, uh, um, and people, I had, what was it? I had, uh, um, I needed something done.

Oh, I had a squirrel flank, squirrel infestation in the walls of, um, the bedroom and had to have the, the, you know, the, the ceiling pulled down and, uh, you know, all kinds of crazy shit. It's awful. It was, it was one of the nastiest things I've ever seen. And, uh, um, and then we done and then, uh, just re put the wood back up.

And, uh, and I had to go through three, eventually three people, just people who were like, yeah, I'll do it. And people I knew from, uh, just being up there and, you know, they do kind of handyman carpentry, all kinds of, uh, you know, jack of all trade type stuff up there. Um, a guy who, uh, I paid for the wood, brought the wood, had it outside under like a little tarp and, uh, and it just stayed there, just stayed until like, you know, I called him like five times, like, Steven, are we, what's going on, man? He's like, Oh yeah, yeah, no, I'll get to you.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, Oh wow. This week.

And I can't, I need, this is a huge hole in my ceiling and I, I got to put this in these like, yeah. And then I would get somebody else and you ask around and people, uh, you know, now the internet's a lot more helpful now. You can go on the Facebook page for the town and people will go, Oh yeah, that's that guy. You just get this, you know, somebody across Pennsylvania, they'll come over at least, at least in your case, that is this rural kind of out of the way.

Absolutely. There's no excuse here. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah. We went like, we had to make a decision and we debated and we're like, we're going to do this fence. It's kind of an elaborate fence, but it's a fence for the home. Right.

But it's like meaning that like it has different materials and it's more than just like posts. Okay. It's a gaudy. It's a, it's a gaudy fence.

It has pictures of my specials on it. It's pretty cool. And the clock's picked up. Great.

Great. So I was like, definitely let's show it off. And we pulled the pilot. Let's do it.

We hired this crew. That's great. It's May of last year. And as it's like going on, I'm like, hey, you know, I'm leaving town for like seven weeks.

Do you think that this will be done when I get back? And he's like, pretty good chance, which would be sometime in August. Cause I left in the gym. We are entering March and it is not complete.

And I go like, I actually, I went for the thing where I would get like, I go, what the fuck is going on? And now I just wave when I see them. Right. I'm going guys.

No conversation yet. And because I already heard like the, well, the thing is, well, you also hear a lot of this. You go, well, and then that's how an explanation starts. There's a big whelp.

And then there's a team. And they didn't show when they're supposed to. To be fair though, you, your house sits on 7,000 acres. So it's not a small fence.

The fence is only 2,000 acres. It's not the whole property. Oh, I'm sorry. So you're, you have a fence about, you have a roughly a little under a third of your property fenced off.

And then I don't want to get too close. So I don't mind if people are on the, okay, they can do pheasant hunting. They eat their olives on the outside. I just want them to get.

Do you have an olive tree? I do. I keep it way out there because I think they're gross. They're disgusting.

Because they're fresh. You like the, you like cold press extra virgin virgin. Shitty olives. No, but the olive oil.

You like olive oil. Is that weird? No, because you like the, subconsciously you like the physical violence it takes to the olive, to put the olive through to get its life force, its life juice squeezed out of it. Yeah, and I like to imagine that act.

Yeah, that's why you like the olive oil. Do you have a food that you hate? I'm sure I do. Let me think.

I don't like cranberry sauce. Oh, and sweet potatoes, which is, I'm from the South and there's a lot of sweet potatoes and things I hate. I don't like cranberries. I don't like cranberry sauce.

I don't like it anywhere near anything. And when it's also Thanksgiving, everyone's always like, here's the special treat. I'm like, it's not for me though. And most people don't like it and will not admit it.

We have an entire country of liars that are perpetuating this stupid bullshit myth. The cranberry sauce is amazing. Oh, it's infuriating. They're trying to prop up the least pleasant berry.

I kind of feel this way about, that I feel like a raspberry is delicious, but raspberry sauce on a dessert, I'm like, you put that off. Oh, I disagree. I'm the opposite. I don't like raspberries.

So you do like raspberries? I do like raspberries sauce. I do like pancakes or waffles or something, yeah. I like raspberries sauce.

I don't like just a handful of berries. We got blueberries. Yeah, they're right. Blackberries?

Eh. Strawberries? Yes. Yeah.

I feel like a good strawberry. Come on. Thank you. Thank you for reaching inside.

Keep inside and finding out. I'm a better person for it. Oh, man. That's what we do here.

Lives are being changed. People are being changed. There will be a news article next week about you and berries. Okay.

I promise. Thank you for getting the massive reach this thing has. Oh, berries are coming. Berries are in the news.

Okay, good. You're speaking in future tense in the present, but when this thing goes out. Oh, yeah. Listen to me.

Berries are going to be in the news. If we got sick of it. Does upstate New York area where the house, where you have the place, does it have a picture of berries? Is that like a, is that berry country?

No, not really. No. There's a lot of farms there, but not, no, no berries. Is there any food that is like, except like that you can get just in that farm area that is exceptionally good?

You know, because it's a good way there or something. I mean, like, turtle eyes. There's a lot of turtle eyes. Yeah, we get turtle eyes.

Have you seen that video? That's the greatest thing about living in the present day is that you can make up some bullshit thing and then the next response is, have you seen that video of that guy? And everybody has the same response. I have no idea what you're talking about.

There's a video that went fucking crazy viral of a guy and he has a turtle and he's like bathing it and everyone's like, oh, like this guy's taking the turtle to the turtle spot and then he just fucking cracks his back, splits it open, chops it and then like makes a, you know, a dish and you're just, everybody's like, what the fuck? Because turtles are adorable and everything we've ever seen. If it's a chicken, you go, yeah, people do this. Right, right.

But this turtle thing, and also start, it's a slow build. Is it like in his bathrobe or something? It's like, no, it's, that's definitely not it. It's, I think it was on Twitter and it was, it looked like one of these, no, it looked like one of these, you know how like men with pot is a thing where it's like a guy's out in nature, men with pot is like a huge account where a guy's out like there's a stream, right?

And then he has a knife and he goes and he cuts garlic and then he starts a fire and it's like, it's very stylistically done and it draws you in, you watch it and you go, I'm going to do that and of course you don't fucking do it. And this guy is doing kind of a similar thing where it's like turtle and he like, like throws water and the turtle is just like, you know, chilling. Thanks, thank you, sir. And then you just see him peel the shell off and you're like, what?

It's alive. Or he has just killed it. Maybe he's just killed it. There's never a harder transition in emotion than I felt than looking, than like seeing this turtle that, I don't know, turtles are one of those animals that everybody I think thinks is adorable.

You know, like you see a turtle and that's a cute animal and the swing to him being like, this is dinner. Oh, fuck. Yes. And if you're wondering, yes, yes.

It's delicious. It is good. Yeah. That reminds me, when I just moved to LA and I'd been there for about a year, I'd say, and I moved from Boston, I never really spent any time, you know, right into Hollywood, you know, baptism by fire type thing.

And then some friends that I'd made, we had done some project, me and a friend Rob Cohen, and we finished and some other friends, friends of his finished and we were like, we're going to go to Cabo San Lucas and just spend like four or five days there. And I'd never been on a luxury thing. I never had any money. And I was like, this is going to be great.

And I think there were five of us and we bought a, you know, a deep sea fishing. Oh, yeah. A deep sea fishing. um marlin or you know whatever it was and uh um and we're like five kind of pasty white guys from you know hollywood writers comedy writers and we were saying to the boat and they went out his father son and then the assistant they had but it was uh hey if we catch something uh we want to release it and we want to you know we don't want to we just want to catch it take a picture and then let's put it back in and all that stuff like okay okay and uh you know just nodding uh-huh you understand right yes um okay and we go out there and we're out there for hours and it's you know big fucking rig you know those massive uh fishing poles are in those holders and it's and it took all of us like 20 minutes it's really really tired it's like rowing you know pulling something that your arms are burning and you're out in the sun and you're drunk and you know and it was great and we all literally we would switch you know so we can see do 20 minutes and then finally got in this big beautiful marlin and we get it up we get in thing and immediately as soon as it's coming they run down push us out of the way like physically push us bring it in and start beating the shit out of it beating it with a club a bloody club and just beating it to death we're like oh hey just beating the fuck out of it because that's you know that's 300 400 for them sure and we're going like hey uh so if we do catch a fish can we can you take 400 out of your pocket and throw it into the water please and uh and we're just all just like oh no just beat the fuck out of it to death bloody we're standing popping out of his head yeah and you're like this is cool it's so quickly just running down and it also became clear like they've done it they've had this conversation scenario a hundred times where people like and we don't want to hurt the fish please sir we know yeah my um my cousins when i was in my mom's from peru so i would go down there a lot and you know you just realize that certain things that are the norm here yeah they are just like like even i mean probably now i guess maybe vegetarian is probably more common but when i was a kid if you were like i don't eat meat or pork they're like what okay well you're not gonna eat yeah and and they there's only so much ceviche they took us to a slaughterhouse one time just for a punishment just like you want to see something like that and we put on like knee-high boots i remember because it's just blood and guts elder i was probably 13 and and we just like stand there and you just see an animal just get disemboweled and why the fuck would you just your parents no no just like cousins you know oh cousins sure well they're probably having fun with the americans probably yeah they did a number of things that were you know cancelable yeah and um and i was like peru has been canceled that's yeah that's in rough shape um but then we literally leave there and they're like you want to get the hamburger and you're like oh okay like you know that was just like they didn't get swayed by right the things that would i think affect the thing have you ever driven um you know la to san francisco and you go through what is it harrisburg the huge um cattle ranch yeah yeah you can smell it before you see it that's the thing that is off-putting it's less about the slaughterhouse because they have that big restaurant there it's massive and there's nothing else around people and it's nothing from you know miles and miles but this huge cattle ranch and uh um and people like oh it's you know fresh hamburgers it fucking stinks of shit like i'm not stopping here it could be the greatest tastiest steak but it stinks of death it's so so strong it's so strong it stinks before you see anything so you're just driving and you're always like iowa did you fart and then and then basically a few minutes later you're like oh oh yeah iowa has a very strong stench the entire state you as you enter iowa and you don't see anything around you're like a big cedar rapids guy am i wrong uh i mean it's my number one place yeah yeah yeah yeah i i own a large chunk of it again bitcoin thank you uh uh actually i think i am playing cedar rapids i believe i'm not sure but i think i'm in cedar rapids oh they have a turtle video oh and in cedar rapids it's the home of this turtle video this is um or if i'm not in cedar rapids i am in no i don't want to see it i don't want to see it i don't want to see it i don't want to see it i don't do that shit where you're like this is how it's no no see how he's doing okay stop stop stop but that's how it starts right you're like they're like oh it's a turtle and you're like he's giving it a scrub you're like oh he just it's so cute he takes care of a turtle that just ends in massacre um do you think he was like hey hey video take this shit that's great no when you see the guy you totally get that it's like those guys it's not even like i want to say those guys in the boat who are like this is uh this is money this is like he's like this is what i eat all the time yeah i mean look logically it's an asian guy and i think oh that's it i cannot be a part of this i'm not gonna be look why do we have to go there it's different food okay i haven't heard from it's supposed to be great right well here's the thing it's very um exclusive yeah i've heard that unless you have a taste for it most people would be like i don't think i would like it i don't think i would like it either i like seafood but i don't think i would like shark fin soup no there's some seafood i don't like it's supposed to be a great honor if somebody serves you shark fin soup you know maybe it's just a uh really maybe one of the longest practical jokes that's been played on humanity going back hundreds and hundreds of years a thousand years give that asshole shark fin soup tell me it's good tell me it's an honor tell me it's an honor it's almost a thousand dollars hey can i go to the bathroom absolutely okay i'm gonna take a piss real quick piss break you peed um i was saying that when i uh when i was in new york i did um brooklyn and i actually got like it was like a dream come true to me i had dj premiere from gangstar dj the show wow wait dj you were how does that work so he does uh he's basically the first act okay so it's like people get seated and there's house music playing and then i would go either voice of god or even on some of the shows i came out and so which is like weird right like you're the person you can see walk and i go i don't normally do this and i just give him an introduction and then he would do a set he would do like a 20 30 minute set but he would do like involve the audience do sing-along stuff uh great one of my favorite things he would do is he would take a very like popular song in hip-hop and then strip it down and then break it all the way down to the song that they sampled so it would be like some 70s oh but he would go in and then put it back together oh very cool stuff like that dj premiere dj premiere yeah so he did that um on a couple of the shows which was so fun and then when he was done uh he would introduce the first comic and play them on it was just like it was just like a special thing we did for the new york that sounds really cool that was fun i'm gonna do uh on the second leg uh i should say if you go if you do if you are interested in uh and seeing my show and you go to official david cross.com uh to get the dates that's only the first leg we're gonna do three uh the second leg will be announced i think uh i don't know when this comes out but it comes out yeah 313 yeah oh it'll be announced by then so uh um yeah there'll be there's three legs so so if there'll be the new york show because you know you get people you put yourself up okay how come you're not doing oh whatever like it'll we're coming dude do you know how fucking so i did multiple legs this tour that i've been on started in august of 21 but i'm still on right now jesus and so so so how do you uh you will put out a special yes i recorded already but you're not gonna i'm gonna uh i don't have well i haven't announced it yet but i know the the release date now and then you'll stop touring with the material yeah yeah wow that's that's a long yeah it wasn't it wasn't on the road planned and but the funny thing was so we announced the first leg because like the first leg it was august i go let's announce august through december right and it would say i'm trying to be like always emphasize i go this is the first leg more days coming soon and every single time people be like what the fuck yeah yeah how come you're not always man let me just stop i just go just stop i go don't even put the thing on there anymore i mean i'll i'll be in i can say this here repeat it yeah this is just the first leg there are going to be two others and people will hear this and still go on there and see it go how come you're not playing you know spokane you know and i'll be there we call it we called it world tour and then people would go um i guess north america is the whole world it's the first leg the first leg is north america like the world stuff is coming every day can't call us a world tour if you only play north america that's i know that's why i play uh southern sudan that's why you know i've got a month in southern sudan yeah and it doesn't sell well at all and i lose money but at least i can say world tour by the way what was the uh what was the last special called um i'm from the future i'm from the future and i don't give it away but this is one i have to tell you one of my favorite things about i've always enjoyed about your stand-up is that you are i call it as a high risk high reward um where you'll because the most fun part of doing stand-up i think is taking is taking a risk right like if you if you develop like you're you know like i'm in the place now where i'm developing some trying to come with new stuff you can get to a point where you're 15 20 30 minutes in on stuff and if there's not risk involved somewhere there's something internally you feel right you go like someone's like how's it going you're like good right good like i'm just getting apps feel exactly the same way yeah um but one of the things i i consider to be a risk that because some people are uncomfortable with it so many comedians don't do it well refuse to do it is they will not take the risk of taking a long time to build a moment like any silence makes them uncomfortable so what happens is they get they speak faster they speak louder yep and they'll add things that don't help the bit and they don't help the joke and it's all because of the panic of where's this going absolutely silence yeah and your first bit in that i remember like i watched the day it came out well i was like this is like it's such a and and the audience your audience knows like this is going somewhere but there is this moment of like where is this going why is it going there and i don't give it away so that somebody can go and enjoy it but it is a long it's build up i'm pretty proud of that opening yeah it's fucking fantastic and it's the most uncomfortable thing about the whole aspect of it is coming on and not saying hi not doing the thing like hey everybody whatever just not addressing in any way and having to let it let the thing die down to silence and then like titters like what's he doing why is he doing this and it's starting and my biggest regret for ever and ever will be that i didn't get to take that bit out on the road like i didn't get to do that in the places that might be a little bit more you know less amenable to my and more uncomfortable and more uncomfortable because those moments are incredible in real in a live room if i'm not you know if people aren't complaining somewhere then i'm not i've failed in some degree totally agree i want i mean getting the messages or hearing from the promoter we had a walkout and they just sent this i'm like that feels so amazing inside on two tours ago i could see the walkouts i had almost every single show as people walking out i had people some some quietly you know and i could see them and some were very vocal some woman threw tried to throw beer at me in tampa um and people going you know fuck you motherfucker and uh yeah and i had a on that tour i had a code with my tour manager um because it got pretty hairy sometimes and i had if i asked for a certain beer uh then that meant get all my shit out of the green room put it on this chair uh have the exit door there i'm not gonna do an encore keep the you know keep it going like i might do an encore and uh and then i'm getting out of there that just meant i'm running to the bus because you could sense where this is going yeah yeah um and then the last tour i did uh for oakmont i was in um pittsburgh and uh there were it was a theater where you know sometimes they just supply uh it's a union thing or whatever there's security there whether you ask or not there's a security you know guy or two guys uh in front of the stage um and i was uh and also i i don't do any outside of the i'm from the future thing i don't do any really hard shit up front yeah i rarely do i like ease into it you know so that by the time you're in the middle of it you're like you know i like to think that even if you hate something that i'm saying at least there was 20 minutes of benign shit yeah universal stuff and um so i wasn't even into the hard shit yet and i uh whatever i don't remember the exact bit something about trump or whatever the fuck it was and i'm at least 20 25 minutes in and this guy uh to the left security guard to the downstage left is in front he's got the windbreaker black windbreaker with white block security lettering on the back and he just goes this is fucking bullshit i fucking quit and he tears off his jacket and he throws it down he walks up the aisle to the to the theater doors and and the best thing about it visually it's like it was in the center right the two doors and it's backlit yeah so you can he opens the door there's a flood of light and then the door slowly closed and you can hear him like you're like motherfucker you know but you also see him yelling and point but you can't hear him very well holy shit and everyone thought it was a bit especially where it came in it was like you wouldn't you couldn't script it any better like if you're in the script a guy making a scene and i've had plants before then shows where the plants in the audience are but just waiting for the yeah waiting for him to come back and like wow that's a great commitment because he stayed there for 20 minutes pretending he was security that's i wish you had that on video that's yeah i thought this before because sometimes when you're on stage i've seen the same guys you're talking about and a lot of times they're seated facing the audience and sometimes just like you know you're in your act and you're just kind of working through it and as you kind of maybe are transitioning to something you turn and you'll see the guy sometimes you see the guy laughing and you're like oh that's kind of just kind of sometimes you see the guy sleeping you know uh sometimes you see the guy gesturing to somebody but i've always it's run through my mind like what what if this guy really didn't enjoy this and you had the like the greatest example of that like that quit his job god it's amazing he quit and and to my credit i was like oh he's just upset and i get it he didn't sign up for this don't let him get you know don't let him leave let him come back and you know he did not do well he did not do well he was gonna beat the shit out of me so he did it was great at his job he kicked himself out he hoisted himself by his own petard he dragged himself out uh just saved me it was a it was pretty selfless yeah i bet that there i mean you've probably had some epic walkouts you know oh yeah i mean over the over the years too and vocal you know fuck you motherfucker and the woman in tampa was she literally she went came down the aisle she went to throw a beer and barely i mean it barely like clipped the stage and she'd throw a beer and then uh people in the balcony were kind of yelling at her and she literally walked and can i get this yeah sure she literally walked all the way up this long it's a theater yeah all the way up both middle fingers and doing circling circling like this fuck you motherfuckers fuck you fucking asshole all the way up wow to the point where it was entertaining yeah sure you know completely fucked up the flow as you might imagine it's important to have passion she's a passionate person yeah she believed in uh you know um pro choice or whatever it was yeah cheers cheers to uh all pro choice um women congratulations thank you yeah i have uh a bunch of stuff that i have cut and i'll just sort of save it for next time we were talking about this before we started recording i don't know if we were recording it when we were talking about the kind of sourdough bread aspect of doing stand-up where by the time everything spreads when you're doing a you know doing a tour and you experience things on the road that become part of the set yeah you know and i don't i don't want to do my sweet spot is like an hour and 15 with an encore too if the audience wants it and i have to come back after 115 yeah I mean, first of all, I mean, I know this is self-indulgent and not really, uh, you know, it's self-indulgent, but I mean, I'll be, I'd happily be up there for two hours.

God, I mean, happily. I love it. I love it. And if the audience is loving it, I'm, you know, pretty good at sussing that out, you know?

Um, that's so long to me. I mean, it is long, but I like it. Well, if you're enjoying it, that's right. If I tour, so what happens is when I start touring, you know, where I build, I build the hour, right?

And so when I first, I'm like, I, you know, book me in a bigger place. It's like, at first I'm hitting like 55 and then, you know, a couple months later, it's a 65. And then as the tour progresses and you're, you know, you drop some stuff, you're like, I don't know what that, but then when I get to like 75, I always feel like, oh, I'll feel like I'm up here too long. Like, yeah, I totally get that.

And, and it's a smart thing to be able to intuit and be on stage. You have to, you know, you can't, you know, you have to separate like, oh, I want to do this. I'm having fun with, okay, this is, this is about me now. Let's get the fuck off.

And then do you do the things I've heard other people will comment? Are your encores your best? Like, do you save your best shit for the encore? Probably more fun and it's more, it's fun for me to do, but it also, you know, something that people don't really consider understandably, they're not standups or whatever, but, you know, sequencing is a really important part.

And sometimes it takes a while to get that right. And when you have it sequenced, it's all about flow, you know, and I don't want to interrupt the flow that I have. So, so these other bits are kind of unto themselves. And so they're, they're either, they'll be in the next tour I do, or I'll do it in the encore, you know, but I won't be in the special.

But I have, I have so many at this point, because again, when you put a special out there, it's usually like 75 minutes. Yeah, tops. And I was asking you now, I mean, most like streamers and stuff are like, can you cut that down? They went shorter and shorter.

And so 75 minutes is like the sweet spot, really. And, and then the rest of it becomes either drop it, as you said, and I have some stuff that I really liked that was fun to do, but it just, the flow isn't right. It's, it feels like, um, it's like speed bump. I'm too, I'm talking about this thing too much.

It's the same style of joke. And, and so then I got that in my back pocket for later, or it becomes encore, but it's not going to be in the special. So I can do it next tour. It'll flow better.

But I have a couple of bits that I really, really enjoy doing that will just be encore because, you know, it's, uh, as I said, it fucks with the flow of the show. Yeah. Pull up the dates. Go to the, uh, go to official davidcross.com.

And, um, again, this is just the first leg. This is the entire tour. As David just said, there will be nothing added. Um, make that bigger, if you don't mind.

It'll be more Canadian dates. I'll go to Europe. Uh, you know, more in America. Oh yeah.

Yeah. I've done Tarrytown. Yeah. I've done that place.

Um, oh yeah. You're going to Omaha, Colorado. Omaha's great. It is.

I, that was the last show on the last tour I did. And I remember, you're like surprised me. And you're like, yeah, I'm doing that thing that is, I still do. That's so stupid that I haven't learned my lesson after 30 plus years of just going, you know, looking at the audience going, oh, this is going to suck.

And being wrong. Or going, this is going to be great. And being wrong. And I, I remember looking out and it was like the last, it was like 80 shows I did.

It was going to be the last one. I'm like, oh man, I'm in Omaha. I've never been there before. I'm in this like civic theater thing, whatever it is.

And they were great. Omaha was fucking awesome. Just always surprises. Loved it.

I'm very excited to go back. Okay. See, I had a great time. Yeah.

I did. I had that on two tours ago when they, I was the same thing you're describing. I called my agent. I'm like, why am I going to Springfield, Missouri right now?

Yeah. He's like, you don't remember us talking about it? I go, no, I want to be here. And it was like the best show of the tour.

I was like, oh, you just never know. I make notes. I do that. I'll make notes about all of it.

The theater, the venue, the city, the show, and the hotel. I do. Oh, that's smart. Yeah.

I do call immediately. And I go, write this down. If I think of venues. If I go, I don't like this venue.

Don't put this up. Make sure. Yeah. Yeah.

I don't want to say where it is, but coming up, there's a venue where I found my notes. This is after, well, after the tour was booked. I'm going back and forth with a booking agent. And then I found my notes at this one particular place, which is a city I love.

But I was like, not to underline, not this place. It's not good for comedy. There's some places that just aren't good for comedy. I agree.

And I don't think bookers really get that. I played a couple, like, to get ready for this and build material, I went and I did a bunch of, like, the way I used to do it, where I'd go out and have a band open. I'd go to musical venues, standing room, and that's when I'd do, like, two and a half hour shows. That's where Shut Up You Fucking Baby came from, the tour, where I'd have a band open up, and I'd go right out and then do, and it was just a different thing.

And I went out to, I kind of did that again. It was my wife's idea to go out and build material. Normally, I would just do it in Brooklyn, you know, get on my bike or walk to the place. And there were a couple venues that, you know, and I worked with a booking agent who didn't do comedy, who did music because of that, you know, bands playing in those kind of rooms.

And there were a couple places, like, I know you guys don't know this, but this is not good for comedy. It's good for a band, but it's not good for comedy. A thousand percent. And I actually feel like, you know, obviously, I like music.

I enjoy it. And I can't expect them to know. And sometimes I'd say, like, it wasn't very good because of this. And I'm like, oh, well.

They take personal offense. And you're like, I'm not talking about you. I'm just talking about you. Yeah, it's a thing.

Just, you know, you know if you're stand-up. Yeah. And you know it pretty quickly. Yeah.

Yeah. Right. It's good for a stand-up. So you said you might be starting a podcast, though, soon?

Yes. And Bert was so helpful and informative. And we talked before we started the podcast, and then two hours on the podcast, and then, like, another half hour in his driveway. He was giving me a lot of very helpful advice.

Oh, cool. And I told him, and I'll say the same thing to you and your wife, you know, I expect you guys to come on and fucking bring it. Bring the... And teach this old boy.

You mean do our thing? You'll be like, hey, when we start, you do your thing and take over the show. Like that? Yeah, I don't want to ask you any questions.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you do, I'll probably be on my phone. Yeah, I agree. You can't see, you can't hear it.

You can't hear me on the phone. You guys just do what you do. Do what we do. And will you do it out of Brooklyn?

Yeah. Or it'll either be in New York. Yeah. Okay.

That'd be awesome. Yeah. So at some point, I'll let you know, and I'll let everybody know, but... I would love to, man.

I mean, you know, I'm a huge, huge fan of yours, dude, so... You heard it here first. Yeah. Go see Why Black So Loud.

The tour with special guest John Patton tickets are available at... I don't have to give away the parentheticals. I don't reveal that until later. Well, I know it's the last quarter of the hour.

I've seen it. I really can't wait to see it. You really are so, so fun to watch. Well, come to the Austin show.

I'm doing... Are you going to be here, or are you going to be on tour? I mean, I'm done touring, so I'm in and out of town for the next two months, but then I'm at home, but it depends on what the date is. What's the date?

I think it's on the earlier side. I think it's in April. If it's in the beginning of April, I can go. I don't...

I'm not sure when Austin is. I'll be at the Paramount Theater. Yeah, it's great. I saw a special there.

Oh, there it is. March 29th. Can you move it? Can you reschedule it?

I'm gone. I'll just have Sean do it, and then I'll come back. Dude, that's perfect. Will you be here?

Actually, wait a minute. I am here. Okay, all right. I am here.

Wait, don't move the date. Did you fucking just move the date? I did move the date, but I... Yeah.

It's now Kathy Griffin. Dude, I am in town. I'm coming. All right, cool.

Absolutely. I'll let you and the whole family can come down. The kids can come? Yeah.

They're young. How old are they? They're seven and four now. Is that too young?

I think that's perfect. My daughter's six, and she gave me some good notes. Okay. I have a couple things that you'll appreciate, some things specific to...

Basically, the title came from her. Oh, really? Yes. I'm the worst daddy in the world.

And she's told me that. I'm the worst daddy in the world. And she's not just saying that. She had a test run.

She filled out all the forms. She sent in some blood work. So we know, specifically, I am in the running for the top five. That's worst daddy.

In the world. That's pretty cool. That includes a guy in the space station. I mean, it's everybody.

My son, last night, I watched him hit... I always hit his little brother. And I was like, go to your room. And he was so upset.

And he walks in the room. He goes, you're making my life miserable? I'm going to make your life miserable. And I go, don't you fucking threaten me with that shit.

He's seven. I go, don't say that shit. He goes, I will make your life miserable. And I go, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Chill the fuck out, dude. First of all, I believe you. And don't do that shit, okay? I got to tell you something.

I don't want to give away too much from... Well, there's one thing my daughter said to me. We were having this... This isn't in the set.

But we were having this epic standoff. And I, unlike my wife, I will not bend. I will not bend. And she was...

This was when she was like four and a half, I want to say. And she had this habit. And we were trying to break her of it, where she would kind of snore. And my wife thought it might be allergies and stuff to her doctors.

And it was like a psychological thing. But it was going to flap up her throat. And so the doctor said, you know, gargle... And he said this also for her benefit, too.

And she had this little stepping stool. And the first time, we were... My wife was in Toronto for the month. She was...

We had come back. We were locked up there because of COVID. It's a whole other fucking crazy story. But we...

I got out the second I could. We were up there for half a year. And it was awful. And I just went home with her when we could, the minute we fucking could.

And New York had opened back up. Toronto was locked down. And New York was great. It was open streets, shit.

And it was beautiful. It was awful. I mean, awesome. And so we were there by ourselves for the month.

And I'm at home in Brooklyn. She's standing with the stool. We got to do it. I don't want to do it.

You have to do it. It's all basically... I know that it's to break her of this bad habit she has. It's going to be bad for her physically.

And an hour and 50 minutes, 5-0, of just standing there. But she's not going to do it. An hour and 50 minutes. Almost two hours.

So she finally does it. And she's fine. Okay, blah, blah, we play. So we go upstate, just two of us.

And we're going to go swimming. There's just like a country club place in Pennsylvania over the river. We're going to go swimming. She loves it.

All right, we're going to go. We got a gargle of salt water. I don't want to do that. And I'm not exaggerating.

Four hours. We did not step... We took a break for lunch. We went over to the table.

Made some lunch. Went over to the table. Came back on the stepping stool at the sink. Me, right next to her.

Four hours. She's stubborn as far. She has to be the gargle. Yeah.

And she said everything to me. And then at one point, she turns to me. She's like four and a half. And she goes...

And she went through every emotion. She just stares at me. She goes, I'm going to cut your throat. Staring at me.

Four and a half years old. Serious. Serious. I'm going to cut your throat.

Four and a half years old. Like, wow. But she eventually gargled it. And then she did it a handful of times.

Dude, like my youngest, who's four. He told me, he's like, I wish I could cut your skin off. He told me. And I was like, cool.

I don't remember saying that to my mom or dad. I don't remember saying, I'm going to cut your skin off. Yeah, I was like, what? And wear you.

I'm going to wear your skin suit. Your daddy's skin suit. And parade down the street with your blood and entrails. Hey, man.

Chill the fuck out. Yeah. I learned it from you. Well, you know.

Kids are the worst. No, it's the Worst Daddy in the World Tour. Sean Patton, who's hilarious, will be on tour with you. Great Sean Patton.