Babies Are Terrorists [No. 095]

Hi friends! Been pretty busy around these parts. I started a new job in February and, let’s see what else, oh right—I’m trying to keep two relatively new-ish humans alive. And, ideally, alive and possibly a little smarter each day. I’ve tried to not have my entire identity wrapped up in being a parent, but judging by my tweets from this year, it’s inescapable. I promise we’ll get back to some of our regularly scheduled content about tech and culture and whatever, but I’ve been jotting down some thoughts that I just need to get out. So here goes! * The twins have a vocabulary consisting of a bunch of words now. I’m getting one of them to say “meow” which is kind of hilarious. I’m holding out hope that “Gregory” happens soon. * 97% of parents think they can write a children’s better than the one they just read to their kids. * Babies are ecoterrorists, not in the climate change definition (although the world may require it!), but in that they are absolutely the worst possible things for the environment. * There are 3 types of comments we get from strangers: “are they twins?” “looks like you have your hands full!” and “awww/twins.” We were at DFW earlier this year, and a Very Texan grandma came up to me and said "aww, well now, what blessings!" When we landed in Detroit I was expecting a Very Michigander grandma to say “ope aren’t those just the cutest” but it didn’t happen. * I still haven’t followed TwinTok or Parent IG because for fear of ruining my algorithm, but I might create a burner and start following people in those communities because that seems to be what parents do. * HOW IN THE HELL DID THROWUP END UP IN MY A— * Can’t wait til we can just say “boys, go outside, we’re just gonna power-wash you.” And also: “please unload the dishwasher. And take out the trash. And do my laundry. And then yours, too.” * I’m pretty lucky to have Rachel as my partner in this and we love the boys. * It’s kind of tough to raise twins but then you realize that you spend like half of your time trying to make them laugh and when they laugh or smile you cannot do anything but do the same, regardless of the mood you’re in. * I am f*****g mortified about the day that I’ll have to stop swearing around them. * I’m glad to have this newsletter that one day, the twins will discover, and read through and (probably) find instances of me talking s**t about them. For the record: they’re also going to be way smarter than me. Cooler than me? TBD. OK, yeah. * The Official Parent Handbook that all new parents receive at the beginning did not contain the chapter entitled “You’re Going To End Up With A Mountain of Plastic Syringes.” * Weird to google “how to keep small humans from the litter box.” But that’s probably not even in the top 50% of weird things you get to google! Thanks for checking in! Love you! Greg Get full access to Greg's Newsletter at greg.substack.com/subscribe