BALBOA PARK #12 - it's mercury retrograde in an artist's life

I’ve been stumbling on my old artworks for few days. it started with a random facebook memory and then it opened the pandora box! it all started with this image, that happened as a facebook memory form 9 years ago:while, even if scrolling through social media, I was in my living room drawing this one:and I felt like I’ve changed and matured so much as an artists because now I’m able to draw raw and less figurative things! so, while I carried on with the “facebook memories” I found this portrait of me from 10 years ago:well, lookwise, it’s easy to see and feel the difference and not only because of the 10 years span but because of my gender transition! now I’m more “me” and I don’t feel like I always must do silly faces in order to bear to have my picture taken. (even if sometimes I LOVE to do silly faces).I was floating in this “oooh time as goes by, I’ve changed and I’m so mature and cool and centered NOW while back then I was longing for recognition and couldn’t create from a place of rawness bla bla bli blu bla bli blu bla bla” ... I was being a judgy duchebag in disguise. and, Mercury Retrograde’s fault, I went into the rabbit hole of memories and thought “oh well my work has changed so much, I was more immature and stiff then than now” and immediately thought about doing a podcast episode about “how I’ve changed in this past 10, 15 years!” and, of course, with this idea in mind, I went look for “evidences”.I wanted to come here and say “I’m so cool because I’ve come a long way” BUT….I went to google images and wrote “Nicoz Balboa 2013” and found out all sort of things such my Pyrographies (some of them are also in my website) :some old painting from the years 2003-2005!I love this one!but also some more rough stuff such my graphic journals pages, those are from 2011 and 2013:I started my search in order to prove that NOW my work is more sincere and real but the thing is, even back then I would make some rough work and -in the meantime- some more finished and aesthetic work. for exemple those 2 images are from the same year:so, well my theory is stupid! I’m not really more centered and mature now or at leastit’s not about the year I’ve made the artwork that make it more or less raw because, for exemple, this one is from 2005:and those are Graphic Journal pages form 2000!:so this isn’t about the year I’ve made those more or less raw drawings right? so what about?first thing, I know realize that in some way I thought that “rawer” works are better because maybe I judge them as more artsy (while finished work I find them stiffer… but some of those stiff works looks funny to me know ).and of course am I more happy and centered now as a human being? YES I can tell it loud and clearly, I feel good those days (even when I’m low or depressed).and my work? I guess I still can’t tell “oh wow I’m arrived as an artist and my production. is well on point!”.I feel so much empathy and love for the past me that tried the best that they could. it’s a little more difficult to have empathy for me now in the bad days, when work is low or when I feel burnt out.so I guess that the teachings I want to learn (?) from this Mercury Retrograde scavenger art-hunt is to have empathy for where I’m at. ok but HOW??? let’s think about it, I’m goin to try to make a list that works for me on the good days:* let’s concentrate on the feeling at ease and loved while I work* make sure I give the best that I can at that very same moment (my personal best may vary accordingly to the sessions. and this is also one of the 4 Agreements )* don’t compare myself so much with other artists* when I catch myself comparing my work or career to others artists I commit to use this as an occasion to reflect on my own practice/career by asking myself those questions : * 1) what XYZ is doing that I wish I did? * 2) what can I learn from it? (could be a technique or a skill) * 3) can I plan ahead the steps I would need to take to achieve what I’m longing for? can I take the first step soon? (if yes: take that step! if not: break down more steps that you can achieve now that will lead you to that 1st step).* 4) can I reach out to XYZ and compliment them about this skill/technique/whatever? (you don’t have to say “I wish I could do it”, don’t make it about you. genuinely express love and appreciation, open your heart to this feeling) . and don"‘t wait for an answer, you’re not doing it for an answer! you’re doing it to open your heart to give love.* 5) having/doing what this XYZ has/is doing what make me feel? write down a list starting with WHAT DO I FEEL with the achievement you long for* when I feel at the lowest of my creativity I treat myself with: a new piece of art supply, a change in the routine, a little drawing adventure (a small journey, a drawing date at the museum or even a one day no-expenses field trip can do )* stay concentrate on my journey, no f*c*ing compare my work with others (yes I already said this, but I say this again )and on the bad days? well sometimes the bad days just have to pass in order to stop identifying as the failure/untalented/overwhelmed/broke artists. sometimes we don’t have a choice and depression hits and it’s ok.and now that I prepare to wrap up this post I flip through all those images again and I thank my past self and I also remind myself: wanting to have a recognizable style and palette is something that it hasn’t to be mandatory! of course if we are selling arty stuff (like me with tattoos or illustrations or books) and therefore we need our art to have a commercial purpose it will be easier to be more recognizable in order to be more sellable because it’s easier for the CLIENT to read you (AND chose you). but if you, like me, can’t manage to always walk the same medium path for your artwork does it make your art production less valid? for me the answer is no as long as you’re creating form a place of truth with who you are (and who you are may vary a bit accordingly to the days, like me) without comparing (or copying) other artists.I hope that you liked to see my past work and that you will use this post as a way to love your art practice as it is right in this moment.Have a cool end of 2023, Love YOuNicozps: in my STORE I’m selling A2 signed prints for my series “New Perimeter” This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nicozbalboa.substack.com