BALBOA PARK #17 - Inhaling Lou Sullivan / exhaling for the Introverts

new podcast episode! you can listen to it or read the transcript down below (in the transcript some pictures to illustrate what i’m talking about, so you might scroll through the transcript anyway before listening) + the show notes are at the end of the transcript:Hello, good morning, good night, good evening.Whenever you are listening to this podcast, I am Nicoz Balboa and this is Balboa Park.I am a trans man.I'm Italian and I'm living in France for more than 20 years.I have a teen daughter and I'm a mom.I'm a tattoo artist and I do graphic novels in Italy and in France.And in this podcast, I want to talk about the creative process as a wayto self-knowledge welcome episode 17 i still don't have a jingle and i'm assuming that even if i'm not using this this is the first season of this podcast and maybe next year i will manage to record a jingle or make some friends doing a jingle or i don't know for now no jingle just metalking in my own podcast studio which is my bed and of course my podcast outfit is wearing a pyjama or a tracksuit and i'm joking about this but i actually and i already talked about it i feel very good when i have to create to be in a comfortable outfit even though those days I knew record the podcast always around Monday or Tuesday.Today I said to myself I must record the podcast and I have to tell it was very hard to concentrate to put myself in the state of mind of being here and express myself and having an outward energy and so I wasokay maybe i can talk about this it's it's something i often talk so maybe pardon me if i already say this but i firmly believe that we can'tAlways, always, always be productive and be creative and be outward and be connected to our source inner creative energy and then go, go out in the world with our art or our words, for example, in the case of this podcast.Sometimes there are moments that we feel that we must stay silent and maybe turn our eyes and our thoughts inward.and I always use this analogy I don't remember if I read it somewhere I've been using this image in my mind to make sense since forever so pardon me if it's not from me and if you can tell me who said it before me I am very interested in this anywayit's creativity I always say it's like breathing you can't always be exhaling you must inhale sometimes in order to to survive and to being able to continue exhaling it's a circle it's a how do you say it's a process it's inhale exhale inhale exhale I guess that those days I'm morein the inhaling process.Even though I've been very active, I finally turned Strangeland as I was saying the other day, I guess.I turned Strangeland into a charity with the help of my partner and my friend and we turned Strangeland into this association in this charity so that we can create art class and exhibitions and all this for the LGBT community but also forfor allies and also for other people that want to use the artistic process as a way of feeling good.I'm very happy.I went through this period of grief, of grieving the fact that I'm not an entrepreneur and I felt some kind of failure and I was like, oh, I'm not the "winner type".But I processed this and I own it and now I'm very, very happy and I can't wait to do things to make this association, this charity alive.And so it was a very active week, but you know that I'm writing and drawing and sketching my next book.So what I want to do is like tellingmy story and my view around masculinity and what does masculinity mean for me and how does it change how my life has changed since my gender transition and I don't want to be all alone in telling this story and I want to use historical transmasculine people's stories to come with me into this journey of storytelling you know storytelling is a very strangepresumptuous word I guess that you you can use this word maybe if you are maybe Neil Gaiman or but anyway pardon me for using this word and so the other day I I was rereading the selection of the journal from Lou Sullivan and if you don't know Lou Sullivan I will putsome link in the show notes.Lou Sullivan was as we know the first known trans man who identified as a gay man.So in the 70s he got a lot a lot of difficulties to start his transition because when he went to the medical professor profession and they say you are a woman you want tohave sex with men so why you want to transition I'm doing it like this is a very shortcut but and he stood up for himself and actually helped society understand that gender identity and sexual preferences are not the sameand he was so involved and he made a newsletter and papers around transmasculine help and he was very cool and for his whole life he kept a journal and so there I probably already talked about this but or maybe not I talk about Lou Sullivan so much that I'm afraid that I'mAs we say in France, it's like the time, "redote", when somebody, especially we, the old peoples, we always say the same things, but who cares?There is this book that is called, and we both laughed in pleasure, that is published by NightBoat, and it's a selection of his diaries.And the other days I was reading and I was sketching and in a moment I wanted to see, it's from the Wisconsin to Milwaukee, I hope I pronounce it well, and I've never been there, I don't even know how, where is it, so in a moment I went to Google and I tapped Milwaukee and Wisconsin andis birthed town and all those places to see the architecture, the nature, the position on the map.And I got so sad because I felt so frustrated and sopowerless because i i was like oh i wish i would be like uh i was about to say a real writer or but maybe it was like most like i wish i would have real means to build up a research phase for bookand not having to go on Google Image, but I would like to be able to book a flight and say, okay, bye, I'm going in Wisconsin just to sketch houses and lakesides or something like this.Don't even thinking about the fact that my papers aren't up to date.So I'm not, I'm not sure that I will be able to travel.because there is a picture on my paper that is not the picture that guards will see when I cross the borders but this is a problem for a future me because now I can't cope with paperwork anyway but anyway I was getting so sad and I was like I would like to go there and then I would like to goto these archives in San Francisco, the GLBT Historical Society to maybe look at the Lou Sullivan journals and see pictures and get this connection before starting drawing.And it was so sad and I was about to put myself in a position of being like desperate and powerless.And then I pick up the book and I saw, I remember that the book, the Lou Sullivan diaries have been selected to turn them into one single book from these two people.to Transmasculine People called Zach Ozma and Ellis Martin.And I remember since I read the Lou Sullivan book since the first time, I remember that I follow these two people on Instagram.And Zach Ozma is a poet, but also an artist.And Ellis Martin is actually one person that worked for digitalizingthe queer history documents and work with the GLBT historical society.So I dried my tears and I take the courage and I sent an email to these two amazing humans.And Ellis Martin answered me and gave me a lot of tips and sent me the Lou Sullivan bibliography that is actually readable and also hooked me with somebody in the research department, in the archives department of the GLBT Historical Society.And so I was able to access a digitalization of Lou Sullivan documents in order for me to continue my work.And so I've spent those last days, so happy and so afraid to start going through all the stuff I started, but it's some kind of overwhelming because I guess I'm approaching, I'm not a scholar, I'm not an intellectual, I'm not somebody who knows how to approach archives anduh studying university matter and so I'm I'm not moving with my brain I'm moving with my guts and with my emotions so every time I click on a folder and I open a digital box from Sullivan it it's it's too much and it's not too much but it's like it's a lot and it's beautiful and it'salso overwhelming um so i want to share this with you in this moment i'm taking all this in so i guess that i'm not able to to tell you what what is doing for me uh in which way i'm proceeding to continue my work because for now i'm just like okay i've stopped sketching i stopped drawing and i'm justreading and seeing and watching and I'm so grateful for internet and to have a computer because I wouldn't be able to do this if maybe maybe one day I will be able to travel there but for now this is perfect and it it felt nice to to thereto reach out to some other people and just ask.When the answer is positive, it's even better, of course.This was my week.Strangeland is a charity.Lou Sullivan is in my Google Drive.And the researching for my book is continuing.And one other thing I didthis week before we say goodbye was like starting a new format for my graphic journal club you know I give those classes on zoom people can subscribe through my patreon page which is patreon.com slash graphic journal club and every second sunday of the month we have this graphic journal class which is more like a workshop two hours workshop in whichWe work on drawing and we work on emotion and all this kind of stuff.And now, since January, I had this new gathering on Zoom, because I like to gather on Zoom with the graphic journal Maniacs.It will be every last Sunday of the month.And at the beginning, I was thinking, OK, maybe it just can be like a draw together.meeting on zoom there is no class we just meet and everybody drew what they want but i i wasn't sure and i was thinking maybe what i can do is like giving just one prompt andI wasn't sure and then these very strange and serendipity things happened you know I for the whole month of January I was giving prompts of for doing one page a day one graphic journaling page a day and it happened on the Patreon page of course and in the graphic journalclub facebook group i started like putting down prompts since the beginning of january and then all the prompts were were down even before the beginning of the the challenge the graphic january challenge butI put them like tidy in words into actual prompts every maybe three days.Every three days I program three posters in my Patreon and on the Facebook group.And the other day I was about to programming the 26th, 27th and 28th of the month.and 28th of the month was Sunday and it was actually the date we had this Draw Together on Zoom programmed and in my prompt list there were sunsets.It was just a word, a sunset.And so when I was about preparing the prompt and writing them down in a nice infographic and everything,I was, I thought, ah, maybe what can be fun that the sunset, it's a prompt in which we observe the sunset and we draw it on our graphic journal.So instead of doing our page in the morning, as maybe we, we usually, everybody do, I can tell to people, today you're going to wait until sunset before doing your page.and then I looked and it was 28 and it was the Sunday and we had the graphic journal Draw Together program for about the time of the sunset and so I was like oh my serendipityand so I said okay this is the prompt sunset and maybe you can take a picture of the sunset or maybe you can think about the sunset and then we will gather together and we will draw the sunset and so what happened was like the the meeting the the class or the draw together wasprogram for one hour so what we do was like drawing we started with a very small meditation or not not even a meditation was like breathing exercise and then for 20 minutes we we drew and then we have a pause for two minutes we journal and then we continue our drawing for again20 minutes and then we pause and we journal and then we exchange and it was about the sunset and it was about the symbol of what meant for us what we just drew and what we were about to experience we set the intention for this very same night and it was a very very very cool experienceAnd when we finished, my partner said, Oh, it was so beautiful to see all those introverts, like staying there with music and drawings all together, but not actually together.Because the graphic journal class, we talk, and at least I talk a lot, we have prompts and different exercises.But in this case, it was like we have this hour for drawingjust one page one drawing and then maybe yes we had the prompts and the questions but um it was way less talking and so when they say it was so beautiful seeing all those introvertsI had the idea of calling this new format of Graphic Journal Club the Introvert's Session.So every last Sunday of the month on Zoom, we will gather together for the Introvert's Session.I guess it's, it's beautiful.It's a beautiful name.If you want to try it,the best thing is to go on patreon.com slash graphic journal club or you can maybe on my website there is also a page about graphic journal club and my website it's always nicozbalbostudio.com this was my week so far i hope that your week was cool and i hope that listenlistening me babbling about what i do in my creative life i hope it's inspiring for you it gives you idea and if you want to react or interact reach out to me you can come on on substack or you can subscribe to my newsletter on substack if it's not already done or you can find me on social media or on myon the Graphic Journal Club Facebook group.Anyway, it's modern times.So I guess that there are many ways to interact.That's all for today.I love you.Thank you for listening.And please, if you enjoy this podcast, you can do two things.Give it five stars :)and rate it where in whichever platform are you listening get to and also maybe you can share it on your social media and maybe so you can make it arrive to other art passionate inner work passionate like me and like you I talk to you next week bye byeSHOW NOTES:Lou Sullivan: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lou_SullivanWe Both Laughed in Pleasure: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_Both_Laughed_in_Pleasurehttps://nightboat.org/book/we-both-laughed-in-pleasure-the-selected-diaries-of-lou-sullivan/Ellis Martin: https://www.elliswmartin.com/Zach Ozma: https://www.zachozma.com/GLBT Historical Society San Francisco: https://www.glbthistory.org/Strangeland charity: https://www.helloasso.com/associations/strangeland/The Introvert’s Session: https://www.patreon.com/graphicjournalclub/shop/introverts-session-01-lets-draw-sunset-117418fixed show notes:My website: https://www.nicozbalboastudio.com/Graphic Journal Club: https://www.patreon.com/graphicjournalclubSubstack: https://nicozbalboa.substack.com/Strangeland: https://www.strangeland.fr/Strangeland Charity: https://www.helloasso.com/associations/strangeland/ This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit nicozbalboa.substack.com