Oh no! Hey, it's Ellis May. How are you doing? I'm good.
Good. Remember how you said that if I needed your help, you'd be there? Yeah. Yeah, today's the day.
I somehow double-pook myself and all I have time for is to sing the intro of the show and I need somebody to host the show, man. You think you can do it? Yes, I'd love to. I've been waiting for this car.
Happy a really big help, man. Thank you. I really appreciate it. I've got so many things on my play right now that's freaking me out.
I've been practicing some songs on my acoustic guitar. I've been waiting to play them on your show. No, no, I don't think you are doing some acoustics as a good idea. Okay, so just an old old show.
Yeah, just normal. Just, you know, just do your show. Just do a show. You know, you can talk about whatever you want to talk about.
There's time. I would sure love to play a few songs. No, don't do that. Just do a show.
You know, riff with the guys, you know? Okay. Okay. Awesome, man.
Thank you. Really appreciate it. Okay. I'll be right back.
Okay. I've got the horn and it's not too dark. See you later. Oh, hello.
Hello. Wow. Where did you come from Batman? Are you serious?
Yeah. From my house. Which is... Batcave.
Which is... It's in a secret city I don't wish to talk about. Okay. All right.
Okay. I'll say it's Gotham. Gotham, huh? Yeah, Gotham City.
So New York. No. And I wanted to get a bit... Can you get a direct flight to Gotham?
These cans aren't working very good. Yeah. Welcome to the studio Batman. You're a long way from Bruce Manor now.
It's good to talk to you, Mr. Tully. Yeah, I'm sure. I mean, it's an honor to meet a legend.
I've listened to your program. I have you. Wow. I didn't think you were a body pod kind of guy.
Myself and Alfred have enjoyed a few of your anecdotes. Oh, that's great. You and Alfred are more than just coworkers and de facto family members. You're also...
Sometimes he... Me off in the dark and I don't know if it's him. Right. Right.
That's the point. Hey, it seems like it's a win-win. I'm not gay. No, of course not.
It's not gay if it's in the dark. But Alfred might be. I've heard your show before. You mentioned that.
Yeah. I just wanted to clarify that I'm not gay. Did we make a big point of... Your host is a little iffy.
Oh, there's no doubt about that. Yeah, I think he jumped off the iffy train some time ago. I am not gay. Right.
Okay. I'm Batman. Right. There's a difference.
All American straight heterosexual beef. Wait. Yeah. Am I American?
I guess I... I've always assumed that Gotham was somewhere in the northeast of America. I like Bernie Sanders. Okay.
He should wear a mask. Typically, I think a lot of politicians would be better off wearing masks these days. He blew it. He blew it.
Not a lot of billionaires. Support... There's my phone. Are you warm?
Batman, you must have just been fighting a lot of crime. You look like you're... Am I sweating? You seem to be perspiring.
But wait. Only in the part of you that I can see. Don't worry. This is uncomfortable.
Yeah. I didn't see this coming. Well, I would think after 80 years of fighting crime. It's called in a cave.
You might have realized that... You'd be surprised. You're a long way from the mythical fictional northeast right now. It's kind of balmy out here in Southern California.
In Gotham. It's freezing. I gather as much. Seems pretty damp down in the bat cave.
Me and... Is it Dr. Freeze? Mr.
Freeze. Mr. Freeze. Yeah.
I forgot. I've got brain damage. How could you not at this point? You have no time.
You just get warped. I've hit the ground a lot. I keep getting up though, Mr. Tully.
Which is inspiring, but probably not great from a CT standpoint. I'm not sure why my phone doesn't understand my face at this point. I have no idea you would have thought you would have trained it for that. With all the wonderful toys you get from Lucius Fox and whatnot.
You do keep getting up. You're like the ingonu of superheroes. Even when you're pulling up. You stay down mostly.
Yeah. You guys do a hot show. I really appreciate you coming all the way just to compliment me for the third time. I don't think people realize how cold it is in Gotham.
No. No. No. No.
No. How warm it is in here. That too. Yeah.
Yeah. You know this bit. Contrast weather wise. You're gonna tell me what.
I've hit my head a lot. One time. I performed open brain surgery in the dark on myself. And you're gonna ask me how's that going?
Yeah. Yeah. How did that go Batman? How does it look?
I don't know. I mean, I guess it was a success. I'm doing okay. Yeah.
I'm here. You're walking and talking. I think that makes you a point one percent in the dark self brain surgery. Thank you.
I have a doctor. I don't think that's true. But hey, great. Well, Alfred says that I'm a doctor.
He's a doctor. I don't think Alfred's a doctor. He's not? No.
Batman, is this the position of Batman, the sort of thing that can be passed down? Because I feel like it maybe is you've done a lot of great work. That's a good question. But everybody, the most important part of your final act is knowing when to walk off into the sunset.
Don't be the Mitch McConnell of superhero. How dare you? I've got plenty more years than him. Yes.
But I have had some concerns. Oh, have you? Because there is a new enemy. And I believe that Parasiltons Baby is going to be very evil.
Oh, I say. And I'm not sure. From obviously my past open brain surgeries. Excuse me.
It's out of here. Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
That I'll be around to duel with that baby. Right. This is the kid with the incredible. Everybody knows that baby with a huge head has got bad intentions.
Yeah. I think. Look at that thing. I think somebody's got to stop it.
It might be me. I think we'll all be fine as long as nobody makes him angry. I surf the dark web. It only makes sense.
You are. It's my web. Right. Yeah.
I'm like man. Is it noticeable? Michael. I mean, Mr.
Tolly. I would never call you that. I barely know you. I feel like you kind of got to James Brown thing going on over here.
The hardest working superhero in show business. Batman. How? Yeah.
You feel great? Yeah. Yeah. I watch.
I also watch women's volleyball beach. Well, okay. To be precise. Yeah.
All right. What would you say? I'm just going to let it pour. Mr.
Kino. Absolutely. Yeah. Screw it.
Yeah. Slippin' slide. Yeah. Slippin' slide, baby.
You guys have liquid death. I'm a huge fan of liquid death. It only makes sense. Right.
I saw that their liquid death is doing really, really well. I think you got some like billion dollar valuation. Give me a leaver. You got it.
Give me. Grimleaver? Wait. If I told you that I've hit my head a lot.
I feel like it's hard to see through that. I feel like I'm mad. I see everything. I don't think you do.
You. You. I think you see everything. You're watching yourself.
As long as between 11 and 1 o'clock. Yeah. Grimleaver. That's what I meant to say.
I think you need to worry about your true arch enemy. Captain. You're true arch enemy. Captain Peripheral.
Okay. That guy comes from the side. I don't like this conversation. It's good route.
I see out of the back of my own. The side kicks, the sweeps. I don't like sports. Except for women's volleyball, obviously.
Or when people die. Then it's a sport. Go on. Well, I feel like if you don't have a chance of dying, what's the point?
Then it's not a sport. Right. Right. The real victory is cheating.
Right. Right. I cheat death on the daily. Or should I say the night?
The nightly. Yeah, of course. Of course. Of course.
I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.
I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.
I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.
I. I. I don't. I don't.
I don't. I don't. I don't. I don't.
I The of course. Did I tell you that I enjoy the women's lingerie? Do you? You bite it on the dark web?
I do. Yeah, I do. You know I could buy that believe that or not on the ordinary internet as well? No.
No. What are you looking for in women's underwear? Big ones? Oh, yeah.
And stinky ones. Sure. And ones that have been 10 minutes. Yeah.
Paper. A lot of people don't know that when you're doing podcast on Youtube, you can't say pubes until you're iPhone.ip communal, I don't fave time, I frequently check this show out. Right. I even check out your patreon patreon.com Hector on pmac.com.
So the thing is. What you're doing on your Instagram app is... slash Ellis made I believe. Wow, that is exactly right.
I have no doubt a man of your financial means is a full access member. Yeah. Did you know the archives are coming there Batman? Well, Alfred informed me.
Yeah. And he obviously took you off at the park. I have a black card. Yeah, I bet you do.
Yeah. Yeah. Did you know with a black card, you could get a reservation at any restaurant at any time, no matter how full it is. Wow.
Wow. That's no, no, no, it's just Batman. Yeah, and make it and then you flake. I can't be there.
It's just knowing that you could get the big. I could get you a reservation. But you won't. But you have it.
But if you were to send me some big panties with pubes with pubes, we might be able to do a deal. Yeah. Well, I know some big hairy ladies. I like hairy ladies.
Yeah, I'm gathering as much. They're strong. And I respect a strong woman with a lot of hair. Who hasn't got time to manicure?
Some people manicure, but the hair keeps coming. Uh huh. Yeah. Right.
Right. Right. And I respect those ladies. So Batman, Mr.
Tully, where do you see this? Where do you see this all going for you? Fighting crime. Yeah.
What is it? What are you going to be done? What does victory look like for Batman? I never thought about that.
Yeah. Have you ever considered instead of spending amazing amounts of money and risking your health of your brain on a nightly basis, just getting a little bit of therapy? I have Alfred. Oh, yeah.
I like to talk to him all the time. Yeah. It doesn't seem like it's been helping. In the dark.
Right. Sometimes I'm not sure it's him. But I can tell by his hand. Who do you think it might be?
It's Alfred. Pretty sure. It's really hot here. Yeah.
He's like a father figure to you. Yeah. I never had a father. Well, you did.
Yeah, but they killed him. That son of a bitch. It made it worse. Yeah.
I would have rather not have a father instead of having a father than was shot. As the old saying goes, right. Because now I'm traumatized. Yeah, exactly.
Now I like to get choked off by old men in the dark, but I'm not K. I respect that about you. Thank you. That's fairly obvious.
Ladies Batman is available, especially if you're big enough. No, I'm not. I mean, maybe I am, but probably not. Yeah, but I have a black card though.
Jason Ellis might be. I've surfed the internet. Yeah. So what else do you do on the internet on the dark web when you're not buying plus sized used ladies Harry panties?
I watch for a crusher stand up. He's very talented. He's very funny. I like it when he takes a shirt off.
Very funny. He's not very fit. And I like that. Yeah.
Yeah, because he's very confident. Right. But also not in shape. Yeah.
And it's like he makes me think that maybe when I retire from fighting crime, yeah, that I could be happy fat. Yeah. Right. Well, that's something to look forward to.
Well, I don't look forward to it yet. No, no, no. You've got plenty of great crime fighting years in you yet. I think that's very obvious.
Just look at you. Did you know that Tony Ferguson? You have see fight. Yeah.
I also watch the fights. Well, of course, you were sort of the original MMA fighter. Obviously, I could take any belt from any weight class in any division of combat. Fools.
Yeah. It's a shame they didn't invite you to pride. I won't go. I'm not here for a prize.
Yeah. I'm here to save your life. Thank you. Yeah.
Well, thank you for understanding. I understand that everybody needs to take a break from time to time. But if you go literally anywhere in the city, we're currently in right now, you'd see that you still have your work quite a bit cut out for you. But this town.
I'm from Gotham. This town needs an enema. I'm from Gotham. OK.
I'm doing crime free. This is out of my jurisdiction. Yeah. As they say, they do.
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Tony Ferguson. Yeah, UFC fighter. He approached me. He was like, obviously from Schrader on or else you probably wouldn't have noticed him.
That's pretty funny, Mr. Tully. I see you. Yeah.
You better watch your stuff. I mean, I'm the only thing you see, but you've got a lot of tools that I can use right now. Yeah, as soon as you figure out how I've added. The thing my belt here, yep.
And I've got a gun. Really? Yeah. No, I do.
Come on. It's a back gun. That's like, well, that doesn't make it okay. That's like that man's only rule.
It shoots ninja stars. No, that's totally fine. So it's not exactly a gun. But I was just saying that since layman's terms, so you understood with your small mind.
When you say words and start them with that, you completely lose me. So thank you for coming. Back gun. Right now.
Now what are we talking about? Right. It doesn't matter. Tony Ferguson, he approached me to trade him for his latest fight.
And he apparently... How did that go? He chose David Goggins instead. Why is that?
I don't know. Why don't you ask him how that went? I'm just saying. Yeah.
You might have got on the bat phone and maybe you wouldn't have got the bat ship beating out of your ass. Maybe. Yeah. Maybe.
I'm not saying David Goggins isn't a great man. Right. I'm just saying. When it's time to...
I'm Batman. Step into the cage. Right. Yeah.
He's a great man. You're a great Batman. Do the math. There's...
Do the math. Right. That's right. Oh.
I look at your trusty sidekick, scrotum cat. It's back cat. Back cat. Just came from the gym.
Back cat. Back cat. You know what it is is I think the cat is used to. Maybe seeing your secret identity.
It doesn't. Because who could possibly guess who you are. It's my trusty sidekick. Back cat.
Look at those balls. Yeah. Respect those balls. Solid pair.
Yeah. Right. Right. It's just like his father.
So you go on the dark web. Yeah. I surf it. Right.
Yeah. I get in the green room of darkness. Oh wow. So have you seen any good stuff on there lately?
Because I've been known to surf the web a bit myself. Yeah. Volleyball. In Russia.
Beach. Volleyball. No. In Russia it's on the snow.
Oh. Yeah. And ladies. If you miss a ball, they shoot you.
Oh, that's great. Yeah. Right. It keeps me on my toes.
That's high stakes. That's what you're looking for. I don't play it unless you could die from it. No, you're a gladiator.
I am. I am. Yeah. Yeah.
It's like you finally get me. Glad I could help. Yeah. Also enjoy it.
So Russian murder snowball. I love Russian murder. Yeah. It's one of my favorite kinds.
Yeah. It's like not even real. But I think it might be. I have a feeling.
Yeah. That's the difference between Russian video, TV, deaths, and American ones. They're really ugly. That's the real McGillicuddy.
Yeah. Yeah. I think it's because they're so ugly. Russian people are ugly.
Yeah. Oh, man. Yeah. Well, they're from behind.
No. Yeah. Uh-huh. That's how I see them.
Uh-huh. Oh, you're taking that in a gay way. I could see. Like without a doubt.
I was referring. I was trying to figure out the other way that I could. Oh, let me explain myself. OK.
I come up from behind and I kill you. Oh, I say right. Yeah. But not a gay way.
No. Right. No, my pants are on. Uh-huh.
And so are those. Right. Right. In Gotham, there's no gay.
I find that very hard to believe. Oh, yeah? Prove it. Yeah.
I'll have to figure out where Gotham is. In one gay. In Gotham. I literally can't.
Gotcha. Mm-hmm. Next question. The Joker.
He's not. Wait. He seemed like it was a couple times. Yeah.
I heard the Joker in the 60s used to hire people to throw oranges at his naked ass. True story. That's not gay. No.
Not at all. Sometimes Alfred sets up ladders in the cave and covers him in lube. And then he glues dildos to the floor. One slip and you're fucked.
Ah, nice. Uh-huh. I also do a little stand-up. I see.
Yeah, from time to time. Yeah. I was thinking about painting my cat black. It only makes sense.
Right. Cats love to be painted. Yeah. He's asked several times.
Yeah. He looks great together. No, you make a part of it. You don't want to fuck with us.
No, you have more of an arch villain vibe with him. But then again, you've always sort of blurred the line. That cat comes a bad look. Yeah.
Yeah, you're kind of like 80% superhero, 20% old black lady in church. Right. I love black ladies. Sure.
Yeah. You're in the big ones. They're all. Yeah.
But with beautiful especially. Huh? Big ones. Gotcha.
Yeah. Right. Why not? I like a black panther too.
Uh, we're talking about the animal and the superhero. The animal. Yeah, they're great. I'm not a fan of other superheroes.
I don't do well with other friends. Yeah, you work alone. Right. I like to work alone.
Right. Except that I think you're part of the Justice League. Anyway, yeah. Well, between us.
Right. I don't like being there. Yeah, I get that. Yeah.
I wouldn't either. I like music. Oh. Yeah.
Right. I like to listen to. I don't know why your staff are laughing at me. I don't think there's any aware that I'm the dark knight.
Yeah. I'm Batman. Yeah. Painfully aware, I think.
So music. Yeah. What's your jam? I like emo.
Oh. Yeah. That kind of has a F. I got a F.
Really? That's joking. Yeah. I just stand up on the regular.
Right. I can tell. Yeah. That was a joke.
Right. Your workshop and stuff. I don't like F. They're gay.