Becoming Forever

Another version of this meditation, along with a very short talk, is available to paid subscribers here.When I published my last post after giving birth to my daughter, about love and how it makes me face the truth of impermanence, how it hurts so much to love this hard; The Buddh-i$h Investor shared this quote by Jan Frazier, from her book When Fear Falls Away:How this idea used to run through me like a knife: Time was always running, running out. Mortality was the dark underside of every loveliness, every pleasure. I could not look at the beautiful world without feeling its terrible brevity. I could not touch my tongue to life without tasting death...Whatever made me think I needed the threat of annihilation to make me love, to wake me up?...Now it is no longer so. Now the lovely sky takes me into it...The loveliness of the sky is forever. I am forever. I no longer hold back from loving it: I will not lose it. I am the sky….The more I walk the path, the more I question any belief that elicits fear. And perhaps it’s easy to believe in fear when we hear some of the Buddha’s teachings without practice or out of context. It’s hard to hold a smile on your face when you’re told to to frequently reflect on the fact that “I will be separated from everyone and everything that is dear to me.” But the point of all of this is not to focus on all the bad things about life until we just stop giving a s**t about any of it. The point is to stop suffering, Now. So the buddha offered that, and all the hard truths about life, not to make us feel bad or afraid, but actually to make us feel good.Your generosity is a Big Deal. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.My practice with anything I encounter on the path— if it’s in my mind, my life, or in the teachings, is to focus on it until the mind can be with it without the warping effect of fear. And that’s when I can find the places of freedom that Jan Frazier talks about so eloquently in the above quote.My son is probably at peak cuteness right now. In fact, his cuteness factor is likely diminishing these days as his cheeks lose their chub and he learns how to pronounce words correctly. Not long now before his voice changes and he’s all “I hate you, Mom, I wish I was never born!” I could stop there and live in the belief that I need this very sweetness in order to love, that there will only be pimples and teenage angst to look forward to; or I could be with this moment of who he is, and see that fear is painting an imaginary picture of a reality that does not exist. All that there is, is now. And what is happening now? I’m sitting by a window on a gorgeous autumn day in Vermont, a new baby asleep on my chest as I ponder the freedom that is possible in this life, as I feel it in real time.The closer you get to what’s happening right now, the less it makes sense to save any room for fear. Because the story fear tells is not real, and it brings only suffering. Fear closes us off to what’s happening now, preventing us from seeing the abundance that is all around us, abundance that is calling us to fall in love with the moment, with our lives.What beliefs do you carry that require fear as their sustenance? Here’s a fun game: any time you notice a thought or belief that makes you feel bad, pause. Focus on what’s happening right now. Sensations, sounds, thoughts coming and going. Don’t go in and analyze the belief, just be with the reality of right now. See how it is all held in love. How this moment of dream-like, ever-changing, beautiful existence flies in the face of fear. Grief may well still be there. But grief feels different here in this infinite space of love. Good, and not scary.In the space of this pause you’ll find a vaster, more eternal version of yourself. You may start to see how the belief changes from one of fear and despair to one of blissful contentment. Not only is everything not fucked, it’s more than we’ve ever dared to dream of.Many thanks to my dear Jan Frazier and to The Buddh-i$h Investor for helping me remember this essential part of my practice. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit caralai.substack.com/subscribe