before I go to sleep21(文稿)

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Another jolt of fear, as if from nowhere. ‘How?’ I say.He looked down at his drink. ‘I went to see you. I waited until you came out of the house and then introduced myself.’

‘And I agreed to see you? Just like that?’
‘Not at first. No. I had to persuade you that you could trust me. 

‘I suggested that we should meet once, just for one session. Without Ben’s knowledge if that was what it took. 

‘I said I would explain to you why I wanted you to come and see me, and what I thought I could offer you.’

‘And I agreed…’He looks up. ‘Yes,’ he says. ‘I told you that after that first visit it was entirely up to you whether you chose to tell Ben or not, but if you decided not to I would ring you to make sure you remembered our appointments, and so on.’
‘And I chose not to.’

‘Yes. That’s right. You’ve spoken about wanting to wait until we were making progress before telling him. You felt that was better.’

‘And are we?’
‘What?’
‘Making progress?’He swallows some more coffee then puts his cup back on the table.

‘I believe so, yes. Though progress is somewhat difficult to quantify exactly. 

‘But lots of memories seem to have come back to you over the last few weeks- many of them for the first time, as far as we know. 

‘And there are certain truths that you are aware of more often, where there were few before. 

‘For example, you occasionally wake up and remember that you’re married now. And…’ He pauses.‘And?’ I say.

‘And, well, you’re gaining independence, I think.’
‘Independence?’
‘Yes. You don’t rely on Ben as much as you did. Or me.’

That’s it, I think. That is the progress he is talking about. Independence. 

Perhaps he means I can make it to the shops or a library without a chaperone, though right now I am not even sure that much is true. 

In any case, I have not yet made enough progress for me to wave it proudly in front of my husband. Not even enough for me to always wake up remembering I have one.

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