before I go to sleep27(文稿)

‘Shall we go?’ I say. We walk back the way we had come. The sky has clouded over and a thin mist hangs in the air. The ground feels soggy underfoot; it feels like walking on quicksand. On the playground I see a roundabout, turning slowly even though no one is riding it.‘We don’t normally meet here?’ I say, when we reach the road. ‘In the café, I mean?’‘No. No, we normally meet in my office. We do exercises. Tests and things.’‘So why here today?’‘I really just wanted to give you your book back,’ he says. ‘I was worried about you not having it.’‘I’ve come to rely on it?’ I say.‘In a way, yes.’ We cross the road, and walk back down to the house I share with Ben. I can see Dr Nash’s car, still parked where he left it, the tiny garden outside our window, the short path and neat flower beds. I still can’t quite believe this is the place where I live.‘Do you want to come in?’ I say. ‘Another drink?’He shakes his head. ‘No. No, I won’t, thanks. I have to get going. Julie and I have plans this evening.’He stands for a moment, looking at me. I notice his hair, cut short, neatly parted, and the way his shirt has a vertical stripe that clashes with the horizontal one on his pullover. I realize that he is only a few years older than I thought I was when I woke this morning. ‘Julie is your wife?’He smiles and shakes his head. ‘No, my girlfriend. Actually, my fiancée. We got engaged. I keep forgetting.’I smile back at him. These are the details I should remember, I suppose. The little things. Perhaps it is these trivialities I have been writing down in my book, these small hooks on which a whole life is hung.‘Congratulations,’ I say, and he thanks me. I feel like I ought to ask more questions, ought to show more interest, but there is little point. Anything he tells me now I will have forgotten by the time I wake tomorrow. Today is all I have.