have you ever been told you're too emotional at work or maybe you've been accused of being cold detached or even passive-aggressive when you're just trying to keep it professional today we're diving into the one skill that separates promotable professionals from those who get passed over being emotionally appropriate not flying off at the handle not ending up in a heap in the corner just really upset but spoiler alert it's not about suppressing your feelings it's about understanding them hi friend welcome back to the career pivot accelerator the show for finance professionals who are tired of playing small and are ready to be seen heard and respected as the leaders they're meant to be i'm peggy neck knight your personal career coach and secret weapon to a successful career today's episode is really close to my heart and probably close to your frustration we're talking about emotional appropriateness not emotional suppression not fake positivity but how to show up with the right emotion at the right time in the right way that actually increases your credibility and influence let's break it down and talk real examples from the workplace including how this skill has either made or broken careers okay let's get real clear emotional appropriateness what on earth does that even mean it's not about being emotionless it's the ability to sense what emotion is right for the moment you might be fuming you might be really upset but there in the moment might not be the most appropriate form of emotion to demonstrate or show it's also the ability to regulate your own emotional response so it doesn't hijack your credibility and my infj people will know exactly what i'm talking about here because we are so feelings based sometimes it's easier said than done to just switch that tap off you cannot just switch it off you have to go through the whole embodied emotion of just getting it out so it's out of your system and then coming back to center where you can focus on clarity and the next course of action so regulating is a really big key thing to practice and then finally delivering that emotion with intention and clarity so you don't catch people off guard like why are you getting so upset or so angry what is your problem is what most people potentially could think or it could trigger something in them where they feel really uncomfortable and don't know what to do with the emotions that you've just displayed in front of them so if you've just discovered that a colleague for example has been withholding information that made you look bad in front of your manager you should be angry absolutely that is perfectly normal and a very valid emotion to have but bargaining into their workspace or rather barging into their workspace isn't necessarily something that should be carried out because you found that they had withheld some information from you to make you look bad your thoughts are thinking oh you did that deliberately however it could also be that you did this on purpose to sabotage me well those types of thoughts and especially if you carry it out will likely get you labeled as reactive or eventually ultimately difficult instead emotional appropriateness means taking a breath gathering facts and responding with something better like hey i noticed you had access to the data i requested last week can you help me understand why it wasn't shared sooner it put me in a tough spot during our team meeting do you see the difference so instead of going straight for the jugular and saying you did this on purpose to sabotage me it's all your fault instead you're you're coming in with more of a detective hat on an investigator of stating the facts like i noticed you had access to the data i requested last week and can you help me understand why it wasn't shared sooner it softens it people aren't immediately going to put up their armor or their walls like fort knox and you come in with a better chance of having open dialogue you're not hiding your emotion you're just channeling it into a more powerful leadership moment and the powerful leadership moment is asking them questions to help bring out greater understanding as to why did you do what you did because it's very quick and very easy to just place blame at somebody else's door that's called deflection that's called aggressive or passive aggressive here we want to make sure that the emotional appropriateness is applied so why does this even matter who cares about emotional appropriateness you should just be yourself right well we're in a workplace era where emotional intelligence is no longer a nice to have it is the currency of leadership people are working remotely tension is higher and teams are burnout because let's face it when you work remotely you are taking away all the other senses and elements of the sensory system within us you cannot see someone face to face you cannot stand in front of their desk to have that conversation where they really can't ignore you they have to have a conversation but working remotely does create some extra tension and other types of dynamics where the other colleague could just ignore you all together and that doesn't help for communication either but let's just focus on the example i gave earlier where you really wanted to go for the jugular and confront the person saying you did that on purpose you sabotaged me instead we are now saying i noticed you had access to the data i requested last week can you help me understand why it wasn't shared sooner and then also explaining that it really did put you in a tough spot during whatever the scenario is whether it be a presentation or a team meeting any types of things will be appropriate but for here we are talking about miscommunication which is rampant and when you don't show the right emotional tone ultimately you get misunderstood misjudged and quite frankly moved out of key conversations because people just don't want to deal they don't want to deal with the emotion that either you or a colleague has displayed so if you think about it take yourself out of your body for a moment and put yourself in somebody else's shoes who you've witnessed having some very strong emotional inappropriateness were they shouting ranting and raving in front of the whole office were they really upset and couldn't hide their emotions and tears how did that make you feel were you just as flabbergasted as everybody else or were you annoyed like oh don't be so silly or stupid or whatever comes to mind fill in the blanks just remember that by displaying wild emotional inappropriateness could potentially get you moved out of key conversations now i'm not saying that and i'm certainly not suggesting definitely not the case here because ultimately we want to work on our personal development that's why you're here and that's why you're listening so i want to share um something that i have done just recently with a client of mine they were a mid-level finance manager who effectively kept being passed over for promotions and she was really lucky to get feedback because most people don't give you feedback especially if you are showing emotions that are not appropriate within the workplace people just tend to walk away turn their backs turn a deaf ear a blind eye you name it they will not give you feedback but my client she was lucky enough to receive feedback however it was not complimentary she basically was told she's too sensitive and what that really meant and translated to was she was passionate about her accuracy and when people gave incomplete data it showed visible frustration she just could not hold back once she learned how to pause grind grind no she's not grinding herself but grounding she's basically planting her feet on the ground and grounding herself and reframing her response her message landed extremely well once she mastered these techniques she was promoted to lead analyst and she was delighted absolutely delighted about the promotion and quite frankly she couldn't believe it it's like wow six months ago i didn't think that that was even possible but i'm here to share with you no matter what has happened in your previous career experiences you can turn things around for the positive to benefit you being emotionally appropriate didn't mean that she watered herself down it meant she became someone people could trust to stay calm under pressure i mean think about it this way if you were in a crisis situation who would you want to depend on someone complaining pointing fingers and not getting anywhere or someone who is calm in the middle of a storm and has led everyone out to safety i know which one i would choose most definitely and that's the type of person that we're going to work on developing within you is finding that sense of calm that you can clearly state what you saw what you experienced and how it made you feel without being perceived as attacking or angry or emotional none of that they will just take it all on board and reply appropriately okay so how do you even become the person who is the calm in the middle of a storm now i can sit here and say it's easier than you think and that's easy for me to say right believe you me with practice and it is going to take some practice day in and day out for quite a while potentially but it is going to solidify and become something natural especially if it doesn't come naturally to you right now at the moment and you haven't learned these skills and techniques this is what we're here for is to learn the skills and techniques so here is your practical toolkit these are the three steps i teach inside of elevate my membership program for professionals navigating workplace drama and rising above it all right step one name it before you tame it you can't regulate what you don't recognize so ask yourself am i angry right here in this moment when something triggers you am i angry am i hurt am i embarrassed am i upset once you start to recognize what that emotion is and you can put a name on it that is half the battle then ask yourself what story am i telling myself right now oh they did that on purpose for example oh they're trying to make me look bad oh they never liked me you know what's going on in your head that you are telling yourself you know what kind of story what kind of fantasy story are you telling yourself right now and then finally is it fact what facts and evidence do you have to support this or is it fear is it like old stories that have they're not stories because they are actual lived experiences and then they become stories in your head like oh here we go again or oh they're always like this that's fear talking we need the facts what are the facts the facts are you ask for the information and they didn't give it to you in a timely manner you want to know why those are the facts fear is something like here we go again oh they always do this or i always am treated this way those are fear-based stories that you're telling yourself so what i would like you to do is to say silently to yourself this emotion is information not my identity this way it helps you pause the spiral let me say that again this emotion is information it is not my identity say that over and over again as much as you need to in order to try and stop the emotion spiraling out of control and for you to grab hold of it and take charge of your emotions and then start that self-talk of okay what story am i telling myself right now is it fact or is it fear all right so that's step one name it before you tame it step two match the message to the moment before you speak check the emotional temperature whether it be the room the person opposite you or on the phone or whatever the circumstance is before you do anything and is certainly before you speak check the emotional temperature is this the right moment to address it who needs to be in the room or the virtual room and what do i want them to feel after i speak simple as that right you're giving tough feedback for example and you don't need to be cold or robotic but you can say i know you put a lot into this there are just a few gaps i want us to strengthen together here's what i noticed that is emotionally appropriate and constructive it gives you both something to work with something to latch onto that you can work together for a positive solution or hopefully again you cannot predict or control the other person's emotions but you my friend you are definitely taking the reins of your own emotions and making sure that they are appropriate in that moment in time all right step number three that's it step number three don't emotionally underreact either emotional appropriateness also means showing enough emotion so people trust you're human that you're not just a pushover or bothered about anything where nothing phases you if a colleague shares that they're struggling with burnout you can respond with something along the lines of thanks for telling me that sounds really overwhelming how can i support you would be the very soft and gentle and emotionally appropriate response to give that individual who took courage to reach out to you to say that they were struggling in burnout as opposed to if you were not regulating your emotions and you just respond with noted you might actually lose their trust and they may never talk to you again with their feelings or share anything that's kind of troubling them or on their mind. The goal here isn't to become Spock. Well, although it would be kind of nice to grab people by the shoulders or the collarbone or whatever he's done in the show to stun people or change them in any way. But this is reality.
We're not becoming Spock. It's to be present and attuned, attuned to our surroundings, attuned to our colleagues and what they're going through. So you show enough emotion that people then begin to trust you. And that's it, my friend.
Three steps. Let's recap. Step one, name it before you tame it. Step two, match the message to the moment.
And step three, don't emotionally underreact either. Here's some final thoughts for you. You deserve to bring your full self to work and with intention. Emotional appropriateness isn't about shrinking or being larger than life.
It's becoming strategic with your emotional power. When you master this, you stop being seen as reactive. You start getting trusted with more responsibility and you become someone others look to in uncertain moments. And guess what?
Those are the exact moments that get remembered during promotion decisions. Hey, friend, if you want help putting this into practice, grab my free emotional filter checklist. This is a quick guide I put together for you to help you pause, reflect, and respond like the leader you are when you feel triggered. Thanks for listening to the Career Pivot Accelerator.
If this episode helped you, be sure to subscribe, leave a review, and share it with a coworker who's navigating tough emotional terrain at work. And remember, you are not too much. You are not too sensitive. You're just learning how to lead with emotional intelligence.
And that, my friend, that's a career superpower. Until next time, I'm Peggy McKnight, your personal career coach and secret weapon to a successful career. Let's rise above the drama and own your leadership voice. Bye for now.