Let me tell you something. I'm gonna be real, okay? Look, we all grew up in McDonald's. McDonald's fucking rocks.
McDonald's is awesome. I'm gonna be really honest. McDonald's Big Mac, their signature sandwich does not hold a candle to a Whopper with cheese or to a Baconator. And that is fucking facts.
Wow. Okay. Yeah, we did a taste test here at the thing. McDonald's cheeseburgers, McDonald's fries are tops.
No one's ever gonna beat McDonald's fries. I was gonna say, because I think anyone's opinion becomes invalid if they start putting other fries above Mickey D's fries. It's impossible. It's impossible.
McDonald's. And piping hot, by the way. Piping. I want it to burn me.
I want it to burn my fingers and I want my, Isn't it crazy how your fingers will burn harder than your mouth? Like if you touch a hot wing, you're like, oh, those are hot. But then you put it in your mouth, you're like, it's not that bad. Well, I actually find it like, okay, ready?
Let's go through brands. Buffalo Wild Wings or Hooters? Wild Wings. You'd go for Hooters?
Now I'm going to tell you, I just think that I haven't had either in a while. I think Buffalo Wild Wings almost every weekend. It was a weekend treat. Oh, I do.
I do it. So I do it so often. It's fucking crazy. I have gone to Buffalo Wild Wings.
The last time I went and I was like, you know, they have all the, they're like, there's 30 different flavors. I'm like, I guess I'll get all 30. And then I realized, oh, I have 300 wings and it's way too much. Buffalo Wild Wings has, so Hooters leaned into like sex.
Yeah. And then football was secondary, but it was sex. Then you're supposed to like Google the chicks and they were mid. I used to work with a guy in post-production that I couldn't believe that he was just like, yeah, I go to Hooters all the time.
I was like, oh really? He's like, yeah, but like one of the girls there likes me. And I was like, really? He's like, yeah, she's always like happy to see me.
I was like, Oh my God, this is so sad. Let's go together. I want to see this. I remember going to Hooters.
We went to Hooters every Monday night in college. Monday night football and a scout pointers meeting. Okay. Every Monday night we went to Hooters every fucking Monday night.
And I love Hooters. I love their breaded wings. Yeah. Their wings are breaded.
Their shrimp poppers are amazing. Their grouper sandwich. One of the two best grouper sandwiches I've ever had in my life. Seriously.
I love a blackened grouper sandwich. Did you go to Outback Steakhouse too? Fucking loved Outback Steakhouse. I used to go so much.
Do you remember when they still around? Are they still around or have they gone like bankrupt? Please say they're still around. Please say they're still around.
They have to have less locations, right? I feel like I don't see as many. Ever since all these kind of dropped off after fucking Crocodile Dundee. That was their big like shoe in the door was like Crocodile Dundee, you know, call it a knife.
You know what a steak? Oh, you're a steak. Why don't shrimp on the Bobby. There's so many people in America that believe that Outback Steakhouse is a direct representation of Australian lifestyle.
Oh yeah. Do you remember there were two dishes, two signature dishes that I remember seeing for the first time in my life? Oh my God. Hold on.
I just remembered two that eating myself sick on a blooming onion. The blooming onion. The fucking bloo- The first time you saw a blooming onion. And then some, a while later, there was data about what it is calorically.
And they're just like, you should just hang yourself if you're going to eat this. Pull it out. Blooming onion is a death bomb. I was like, I'm eating six a month.
It's so bad for you. The night after I lost my virginity, I went, it's 800 calories. No, for the smaller portion. For the 1,900 calories.
That's a day's worth of eating. Wait, what else? Is there more nutritional facts underneath that? Yeah.
55 to 155 grams of fat. 1,300 milligrams of sodium. And you're like, what is it? Is it bad?
The night after I lost my virginity. Oh my God. I went to dinner with the girl I lost my virginity's parents. Yeah.
And we went to Outback Steakhouse. And I'd never seen a blooming onion before. And I ate an entire blooming onion. And I remember her dad going, you just ate an onion.
You just ate like an actual onion. Yeah. Like I fucked your daughter last night, too. It's a pretty crazy week for me.
I learned an important lesson. And I hope they can't sue me for this. I think the statute of limitations probably run out. But in the 90s, probably like 96, 97, I went to Outback Steakhouse.
And I've learned. I feel like it's kind of a life thing now. But if you're going to a steakhouse, you should stick to steak. Yeah.
And I went there and I got lobster. And I got a bacterial infection that took me down for over a week. It was during the school year. I missed over a week of school.
I called my history teacher because a paper was due. And I told him I was. And he hung up on me. He hung up on me because I think he thought I was just trying to buy time.
Yeah. And when I showed up at school, like, whatever, like the week and a half later, I had lost like 17, 19 pounds. And he was like, oh. He's like, I guess you really were sick.
I was like, yeah, man. And it was all from getting, see, shellfish, whatever, at a steakhouse. So now I never order that shit. It was traumatizing.
If you go to a steakhouse, get a fucking piece of meat. Yeah. Yeah. Get a piece of meat.
I can't eat steak right now. What is going on? You're like, I can't have anything. I got a blood clot in my leg.
I got it in my lungs. Yeah. So I'm not drinking for six months. Six months?
Yeah. We'll talk about it later. The second dish I ever remember witnessing presented that leaves an indelible mark on my psyche is the first time I saw fucking fajitas. You're like, I was like, this is what they're doing south of the border?
Eight years old or nine years old. It was at a Bennigan's. Yeah. And I heard out of the back, like, what the fuck?
Oh, the sizzling plate. And steam's coming. I was like, oh, fuck, something's on fire. And then they come around the corner.
And I remember he came around my back. I was like this. And I looked at it. I'm like, what's that?
And my uncle, who'd hung out at Bennigan's a lot, was like, fajitas. And I was like, oh. And my dad goes, you can fucking forget about it. You're not getting that shit.
You're going to burn your goddamn face. My uncle, who hung out at Bennigan's a lot. I hung out at Bennigan's a lot. My uncles used to be fun alcoholics.
Now they're just, now none of them drink. Really? None of them. How old are they?
They're all like, my mom's late 60s. My mom's 77. And it's probably 77 to probably 59. That's a big gap.
Yeah. Spread out. Yeah. I feel like that's, I don't know, with all the fucking non-drinking I'm doing, I feel like, I don't know.
Yeah. I don't know. I don't fucking, who knows? You know, the jury's out, Tom.
They're like, blood thinners. Some doctors say, absolutely, you can't drink on them. And some people say, you just can't drink on them. It's the thing to roll the dice.
You never know what the fuck they're gonna say. I just think it's funny. Like, how we, there's never anymore the unanimous verdict on anything health-wise. I mean, even as something like, you know, we've gotten peptides from these guys before.
And I've gone from, like, I start with one, and maybe I go to another one. The other one's like, so you're doing it, like, three times a week, 30 units. And I'm like, no. He's like, what are you doing?
Well, that doctor said, he goes, oh, that's totally wrong. I'm like, so there's not, like, a consensus on this? No. The best is, I remember telling Joe about how much testosterone I was taking.
He's like, the fuck? I was like, yeah, what are you taking? He goes, half of that. And I was like, huh, really?
And he was like, what the fuck, dude? That's too much. And I was like, that's what I was told to take. That's what I'm saying.
But the same doctor. My, I think my testosterone levels were, like, crazy low. But I don't know. You know, I don't know.
I'm on the road so fucking much that all I can do And all her friends are in art school. Yeah. And they watch the Super Bowl. They watch it just for the ads.
So many people do, and every time it happens, I'm like, really? You just watch it for the ads? And then you're like, I'm mesmerized by this. Isla called me.
First of all, Isla has been the mainstay of Pepsi in our family. Really? I don't know if that's why I think she's most like Donnell and Red Grant. That's the zero sugar one.
That is zero sugar. I got to do zero sugar. And you know, I don't know if it's that conversation we had with Donnell. That was fascinating.
That was the most fascinating, insightful commercial, or conversation with Donnell. But Isla, when I told her about that conversation, she goes, it's got more flavor. It's got way more flavor, Dad. It's got way more flavor.
It's so much more enjoyable. How is that? That's the zero sugar. This is the zero sugar.
It's fucking awesome. It's absolutely... Dude, let me tell you something. As a guy, not drinking right now, right?
Yeah. I'm on the wagon. When I get on a plane and I'm going to sip on something... That's good.
I'll get another one. Fine. When I get on a plane, I'm going to sip something. Yeah.
Always buy Pepsi. Pepsi zero, really. But do Pepsi zero sugar. That's why they don't have it.
No. I like to do that. You know you can throw a fit if you're not drinking? You can give them attitude if you're not drinking?
Like if you go, you guys have Pepsi zero sugar? And they're like, no. And then you go, never mind then. And they're like, can I get you something else?
I go, I guess I'm not drinking today. How about a cup of ice and I'll throw it at you. Try that with a beer. Do you have a beer?
No, we're not serving that. Then fine. I'm not drinking. And then you're an addict.
You're a problem. You can do it, yeah. Yeah, but Isla called me. She goes, I told you.
I told you. You see that commercial, Dad? And I go, yes, I did. She goes, Dad, I told you.
And then I showed up today to work and the fridge was stacked with them. And I was like, I was like, Kyle, did you get Pepsi zero sugar? She goes, I did. She goes, did you get a call from Isla?
I go, did Isla call you? Isla's the biggest Pepsi zero sugar fan in the fucking world. Pepsi is Isla's brand. And she doesn't live in Pepsi country.
Yeah. I can't tell everyone where she lives, but she does not live in Pepsi country. She doesn't. No.
She is an outlier. She's like driving a Ford drunk in Texas. Isn't that crazy that there's parts of this country that people subscribe to certain things? I know.
And I'll say this, whatever part, that does taste better than Coke Zero. It does. It tastes better. Do you remember the Pepsi challenge in the 80s?
Do you remember that? Of course. Of course. That was amazing how branding was so simple.
Was it because there wasn't that many... It was all about the TV spot. That's the thing. That was the only thing that mattered, was the TV spot.
And then, now, Super Bowl, they're laying into... It was pretty direct, what they were doing, which was pretty cool. But I also love... I love when the big companies that compete go at each other.
It's fun. I love when big brands go at it with each other. I do too. I love it, and I want more of it.
I love it. And I love it when, and I mean this for real, when the so-called underdog takes a shot at the big dog. You respect it. If they take a swing that really goes for it, that is the most fun thing to watch.
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It's time to Netflix and fill. Possibly fill her up. I took one hanging out with friends last week, and we just had a great time sitting around and talking. And yeah, we were fully aroused and didn't lead to anything like what you're thinking, but it still felt great.
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Go to Shopify.com slash bears. That's Shopify.com slash bears a cha-ching. Can I tell you something? Yeah.
I know we're not spending a lot of time around each other now, right? Right. We're both very busy. A lot of stuff going on.
Understand that. You've got a croissant shop. You've got a new series you're in production for. Your schedule, your dance card's crazy.
I'll just tell you, I have a crazy schedule also, but I also purchased a donut shop. You purchased a donut shop? Yeah, because that's what Keeping Up With The Joneses. Wait, because I have a, because you have a croissant shop, I bought a donut shop.
Where is it? Where is it? I'm gonna tell you. Why?
Because, well, it's right around the corner. I thought they were Vietnamese and Sandra went and talked to them. Turns out they're Cambodian. Okay.
But the sale's pending. Here's the deal. The donuts are fucking average, but they make the best fucking Cambodian sandwiches. This is your pitch to your fans.
The donuts in LA suck. Okay. Really? A hundred percent.
I'll tell you why. A guy named Mr. Donut came into LA in like the 70s, right? Yeah.
He's like Mr. Chang from the Hangover. Is that right? Can you Google him, Mr.
Donut? I remember that Woodland Hills place that was so good. So this is my goal. Okay?
Okay. So Mr. Donut, Los Angeles, is that his name? No, that's Mr.
Donut. What's the donut man? Can you just find, there's a documentary on a Vietnamese guy or an Asian guy who came to LA in the 80s, and what he did is he decided he'd start So saying one or the other, it really becomes about what you're in the mood for. You know what I mean?
Like that hot and ready thing is pretty crazy, though. I also hate Dunkin' coffee so many people love it. I hate it. That's the exact opposite.
I was gonna say the exact fucking opposite. I hate it. I grew up in Tampa. Krispy Kreme was our donut.
That was like we had a Krispy Kreme there. I remember what Krispy Kreme. Really? Is that a California thing?
It's a Southern thing. Krispy Kreme? Krispy Kreme. What's the headquarters?
By the way, if any of these brands want to work with us, we are willing. I know we're not putting out as many episodes, but we'll put out more if Krispy Kreme comes out. North Carolina is our headquarters. That is our headquarters.
Is that where it started? Early years. Hold on. In Kentucky?
Yeah. Well, they had a small store in Kentucky, and then there was a Nashville. And opened his own store in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. I had no idea.
The first Krispy Kreme opened in Ohio. In Akron, Ohio. Growth. Expansion occurred opening in Savannah in the Southeast.
So it is like a southeastern thing. I had no idea, dude. We used to get Krispy Kreme in Tampa. I wish I could remember.
Anyone from the Jersey Shore would remember one place where we got donuts as kids, where they made them there. And all they made was cinnamon sugar. And I wish I remember the fucking name of this place. And there was cinnamon sugar, and they just made them for you.
You go, I'd like a dozen donuts. And then they make a dozen donuts for you. Dip them in the oil, sugar them, and then they put them in a brown bag. And by the time you got back to the beach house, we were kids.
We were really little kids. The bag was wet with grease. Dude, I remember, I have such a vivid memory of the first time I hung out with you. It was at the beach house in Tampa.
You had to get up to do press, and you came back and you brought donuts. I don't remember where they were from, but you brought donuts. It's the greatest thing to show up in the morning with. Yeah.
Owners used the forced labor in Nazi Germany. Owning the controlling stake of Krispy Kreme, as well as Insomnia Cookies and Print-à-Manger, one of the wealthiest families in Germany, made in 2019 that they profited from forced labor during World War II. The New York Times reported the two men who ran the family business in the 30s and 40s, Albert Reimann Sr. and his son Albert Jr., actively participated in the abuse of their workers.
That's kind of a cool thing. I think I want to check out Krispy Kreme today. That's neat. So I was a writer for Krispy Kreme, always.
And when they moved here, I remember when they opened in New York, there'd be lines. Like the guy donated to the SS. That's a crazy detail. Jesus.
I would love some Krispy Kreme Nazi memorabilia. That'd be pretty cool. Like Krispy, but it's like the swastika and the S's. That's pretty cool.
SS Krispy. I guess we lost that corporate sponsor. But I was a writer for Krispy Kreme. Look at the Krispy Kreme club.
Oh, my God. KKK Wednesdays. Check out the... The Boston Globe published an article and said, I found out Nazi money is behind my favorite coffee.
Should I keep drinking it? How did Krispy Kreme turn into this fucking... KKK Wednesdays. This is nuts.
That's pretty cool. I was a Krispy Kreme ride or die. I remember when they opened in New York in like 99, 98. There was a line down the street to get Krispy Kreme donuts.
Everyone was losing their mind. And by the way, this is during the Atkins phase when everyone was doing that. Atkins diet. Yeah.
Eggs, bacon, steaks, burgers. Yeah. And I was ride or die for Krispy Kreme. And then when I started touring, I toured the Northeast.
And I fell in love with the way Boston people, like New Hampshire, New England people, are ride or die for Dunkin' Donuts. They love it. Dunkin's kid. You're getting Dunkin's.
Yeah, they love it. And the Casey Affleck videos, his videos on SNL were fucking... Have you ever seen those? Yeah, I've seen those.
They're so fucking funny. And then I went and I was in Tallahassee. And I was first time back in Tallahassee. And I was like, up early.
I didn't give a fuck about diet at all then. And I was like, I need something. I'm hungry. And Tallahassee had a Dunkin' Donuts.
And I was like, you know what? I'm gonna get a couple of Dunkin' Donuts. And I'm gonna get a coffee. I fell in love with their fucking coffee.
Big iced coffee. Come on. I never liked it. I always thought they put way too much milk.
And then I'd go, hey, can I just get a little bit of milk? And they'd be like, you mean like a quart or something? And I'm like, no, just fucking, just dash it. And I just, I never was a fan.
I gotta stop. I'm in Austin in a couple of days. I gotta, you're not there. I gotta go into, uh, you have to.
And you gotta, you gotta get everything, dude. I'm gonna fucking make it rain. This episode is sponsored by BetterHelp. February is full of flowers, candies, stuffed animals, and of course, lots of talks about relationships and dating.
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This is one of my favorite ways to practice languages. I practice a bunch of them. What I love about Babbel is they To let people know, the activations are super fun. There's always like games and there's recovery people there and there's music and there's drinks and there's food.
Like it's a fun event. It's not just run. It's a whole event that is a blast to be at. And I will say this, and I'm backtracking a little bit.
I know that you probably maybe heard me talk about this. When I was in the hospital and I got the blood clot and they rolled me and they said, you have a blood clot in your leg. Let's hope it's not in your lungs, but then it's probably not. They said that it's probably not.
And when they rolled me from room four past 30 rooms to get me to the CAT scan, I looked and I want you to hear this because it's very important. I looked at everyone I rolled past and I went, thank God I'm not them. In my head, thank God I'm not them. And then they put me in the CAT scan.
Guy said, are you allergic to iodine? I said, I don't know. I goes right way to test it. He goes, well, no.
I said, what if I am? He goes, you go into anaphylactic shock. And I go, can you like pinprick my fucking pinky and put a little iodine on it and find out? And he's like, no, you're gonna feel a warmness in your throat and then you're gonna feel like you're pissing your pants.
Let's go. Puts me in arms up. And then they stop the CAT scan halfway through and he looks at me and he goes, you're having a heart attack right now. And I said, I don't think I am.
And he goes, your blood pressure is through the roof. Your heart rate is skyrocketed. He goes, I think you're having a heart attack. We can't get a clear visual on the CAT scan.
And I went, and I start thinking, I'm having I go, I don't have any symptoms other than this warmness in my throat. And I feel like I think it's the iodine. And I go, I know, but I'm having a fucking panic attack. And he goes, OK, well, we need you to relax.
I go, that's not gonna fucking happen. And then and then they put me back. They finish it and they. The doctor calls and he's like, he's not having a heart attack.
His heart's clear, but he's got blood clots in his lungs. And the guy just goes, yeah, you got you got blood clots in your lungs. And I went and I need you to hear this because we all right now go, thank God that's not me. That's what is important about this 5K.
Thank God that's not me. You look at people fatter. I did that all the time. I look at people fatter and go, thank God that's not me.
You see, there's a woman I follow who has like a major food and cooked breakfast for her kids every morning. And I go, oh, thank God that's not me. That's what we all do. And I'll tell you on my ride back on my gurney back to my room, I had a very different perspective.
And like everyone I looked at, they're not looking at me going, thank God that's not me. He was just having a heart attack in the fucking CAT scan. He's got blood clots in his legs and his lungs. How do you treat that?
What do you have to do? Blood thinners. And I'll tell you right now, your health is very precious. And it's a perspective shift you need to have.
And stop. I did it. You know, I did it. You know my lifestyle.
You know that I always said, thank God that's not me. I work out every morning. I fucking drink a lot of water. I'm the fucking guy.
Until one day when I was getting rolled back, I saw a guy that looked just like me, just like me, except he had shoes on. And I gave him a thumbs up, like, hoping that we connect. Like, it's gonna be OK. And he looked at me and just shook his head no.
And I went, fuck, man. This is this is reality right now. I'm a guy whose blood pressure time my blood pressure time. Yeah, obviously the panic attack and my leg throbbing a lot of pain was like 175 over 110.
And they're like, it's because you're in a lot of pain. I mean, the pain was insurmountable. Where is the pain? In my whole leg, my whole leg below the blood clot.
And it was throbbing like crazy, like crazy. If people go like, I don't know, maybe I have a blood clot. No, you know, you absolutely go. I have a blood clot.
It's in my leg. It's killing. I still can barely use two of my toes. And so.
But that's why I'm hoping that if you're thinking about not doing the 5K, you hear this story and you go, I don't want to be the guy on the gurney that they roll in to the CAT scan. I don't wanna be the guy on the gurney. I don't wanna be the guy. You know, I thought about this when we brought you in for your arm and your leg.
And they put the cuff on you and they're like blood pressure 120 over 80. It's perfect. I thought, wow, I wish I was that guy. I'm not.
I'm really not. Well, I'll also say that, like, if you do pass away, the 5K will be a celebration of your life. Oh, fuck me. In memoriam.
Yeah, we'll do a crazy eulogy at that. And it will be your face will be everywhere. Thank you. Yeah.
Oh, fucking growth. So fucking skyrocketing. It'll be awesome. You know, you can go public progress at Spotify guy.
You think so? Oh, 100%. Be a good story. Do you know, I wonder, I can't think about death anymore.
I can't think about it. No. What else do I write down? Why do I write fatty's eating.
Oh, that's all I watch on Instagram. Whenever I'm on Instagram and I see like a sad, really overweight person in their kitchen and they're making some boxed food. I'll be like, Oh, I'll send this to Bert. But maybe I patch on their eye.
Yeah. That girl with the patch on her eye. Oh my God. It was so fucking good.
And like the Bert's like, Oh, this is awesome. I don't know why I like it. I really tried to quantify it. I should be, I should bring it up in therapy.
I want to like, cause I, what I identify with, which I think is interesting is, you know, everyone pretends like I've been around a lot of people. I don't care about fame, you know? And then you're like, you're like, okay. And then if someone's famous there, they're like, Holy shit, who's that?
Dude, the guy from third rock from the sun's here. And you're like, okay, did you watch that show? And you're like, no. I saw like five times in college.
Dude, he's sitting right there. And you're like, I thought you didn't care about fame. That's different. Yeah.
And you're like, and so I always find it interesting. What Instagram has given is everyone a platform and I don't, I really don't think everyone wants to be famous. I really don't know. But man, there's a lot more than you thought.
Yeah. And I think there was a shallowness that we got associated with when they're like, you know, look at me, he just wants to be famous. You know, Arie Spears, like one of the worst of this is he pretends he doesn't care about being famous. Yeah.
Yet he shits on a stage to get attention. Right. But if you, but if you say, if I said I was hanging out with Bradley Cooper, he goes, name drop. Why would you do that?
Name drop. And you're like, stop. You're in the same business I am. You do the same thing I do.
You do it the same way I do it. You do everything I do. And by the way, I've been with you when a celebrity walks by and you're like, Holy shit, it's fucking cat Williams. And he's a big Krispy Kreme guy, which is kind of a wrapper.
Yeah. Dude, I've not heard from him in a fucking minute. Cause he's like in the Amazon or some shit. It's interesting.
You think we wouldn't know if he died? Not for a while. Eventually we'll find out. But yeah, not right away.
He could be lost in the jungle right now. We're just living our lives. Yeah. He loves that shit.
He unplugs for months. It's all pitch. How much would you fund an expedition to track down Ari? Two of our listeners.
Two of our listeners. Two guys. We'll fund it. They do all the research, right?
You gotta be out of work. You gotta be out of work. You gotta have nothing to do. We'll fund it.