Big Heart Medicine

Today sean and I had a little impromptu three hour date to a nearby hot springs without the girls.I was sharing about my recent experience at BURST and talking about how I’ve touched into this uncomfortable truth that I have a huge and soft heart.After I was finished sharing, Sean said, “When I think about when we first started dating, that is what I remember most about you; your big heart.”I felt myself go full involuntary. Like my cheeks got hot. My mind started spinning. I wanted to cry and laugh and punch him all at the same time.A part of me really wants to believe that people can’t see me.That I am alone.That I am this mysterious and complicated being that no one, not even my husband, could fully understand.A part of me would really prefer I keep myself separate, to keep myself safe.To keep a fence around my sensitivity.To put a wall up between my softness and the world.And there are plenty of good reasons I have tried so hard to hide and protect my incredible capacity to and for love.When I was little and my heart was less closed off, it got hurt, in big ways and in little ways.And each time it got hurt I built a new barricade between my heart and the world.And slowly as the barricades became thicker and taller I forgot about my big heart.I lost sight of it.I started to identify more with the barricades instead of the thing they were protecting.It’s been a slow remembering and de-armoring of my heart and I feel like just in the past month I have finally gotten a full view of this massive portal at the center of my chest again and goddamn is it so beautiful.And scary.And huge.And epic.I’ve got my Woman here now and she can hold me.This huge gushy heart of mine doesn’t need these hard layers protecting it anymore.So here I am making a choice to let that girl with the soft big heart come out more.To get to know her again.To feel her love and her magic and her medicine.To let her be loved and to love.To let her be seen and felt and connected.To receive the nourishment that is already right here for me. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe