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Only at Advanced Auto Parts and participating CarQuest locations. Use the Advanced Auto Parts app to build your bundle and pick it up at your nearest store. I am – man, I'm nervous actually. Today's guest is my favorite comedian, living.
My favorite living comedian. And so I'm excited that he's here. He has a new special on Netflix called Paper Tiger. And he has a podcast called The Monday Morning Podcast, and it also comes out sometimes on Thursdays.
He's one of a kind. Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Bill Byrne. Shine a light on me.
I'll send and tell you my story. Shine a light on me. I'll send and tell you my story. Yeah, listen, you get too fucking – you got to like – once you – you know, it's like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
And then all of a sudden, no's become yes out here. And then you just feel like – you know, the first time you get yeses, you go, okay, to everything. And then all of a sudden, you just don't have any fucking time. And then you got to like dial it back and then try to find like quality.
But yeah, I just took some dates off the books. I got a bunch of stress, and I was starting to lose my mind, I thought. Oh, yeah. Just – yeah, I just – this is a good thing, too.
It's just lying just so you're not available that week. I'm not in town. Oh, I already have a soul. I take him down.
Oh, I wouldn't put that on the podcast. Yeah, they know. They all know, yeah. I still wouldn't do that.
Because you don't need bookers looking at that. This guy's always a fucking wild card. Yeah, it was – man, it was a bummer. Some of it was a bummer.
But some of it would just move the dates. And I'll just feel better when I get there. But I was just like experiencing a ton of stress and burnt out. You know, I've been on the same tour for this hour for almost over a year now.
You've been on the tour for like four years and then fucking go right back in the studio, make another one and keep going. You've got to toughen up, man. Yeah, you're right, huh? What do I do now?
You can't have a camouflage hat looking like a fucking backwoods guy, all tough and shit. You can't handle doing your hour again. I mean, come on, man. Suck it up.
Fuck, man. I think I need some blood transfusions or something. I really do. I don't know what happened.
No, but it's not bad. There's the other side, too, where you're getting run down and you don't listen to it. And then you get sick. So there's always that.
Don't work yourself to death, which I've seen a few people doing this business. Literally died. Yeah. So there's definitely, you know, well, you're in touch with your feelings.
That's good. Yeah, man. I got too many of them. I think if you beat me open, there's a lot of feelings sometimes will come out.
Too many, you know? I think I'm, yeah, somehow I got caught up in some of that feeling generation, you know? Oh. Just too many feelings.
What year were you born? 90, uh, 80. 80? 1980.
1980. So, oh, yeah, you're the first millennial. The first year of millennials was like 1980 or something like that. I could see that.
Yeah. I thought they were all like, you'd be born like 2000 or later, but it meant like you were buying shit, I think. That's all I care about. You know, when do you finally have money that you can buy shit?
And it's usually around 18, I think. So you would have been 90. Maybe it's 82. I don't fucking know.
I think it's like, yeah, 80, I think, was still a little bit of like, it was still more like some, you know, heavy car doors. I remember a lot of that. You know, the cars that were squeak and real heavy. You had to get your brother to help you close it.
You know, I remember more station wagons, big, violent fucking station wagons. Oh, wagons are awesome. I love, I love a station wagon. I remember the motor opening the car and just seeing two pieces under there.
You know, that thing with the, um, where you put the air filter in and my mom would open that and go like this and then close it back up. Yeah, air filter. Yeah. Air filter housing, I guess you'd call it.
Yeah, that was it. A nightly inch carburetor. My mom would open that up and close it and then just fucking curse my dad. That was it, every time.
Oh, I think she was probably fucking with the carburetor. Yeah, I think she was trying to. My mom got an old cop car for a while and that was pretty cool. We would drive around at night and pretend to be cops and shit.
It would be like a fun thing we would do when we were kids. And then one of those lights on the side, you know, it had like a little hand light out of the window. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
So you're supposed to take some of that shit. You got to take the badges off of some of the shit. You can't have like police on the side. And I also don't think you can have the blue lights.
And in my state, I think you couldn't have those big search lights either because they were afraid you were going to turn them on and blind other people as they were driving on the street. You just knew people would just be assholes. If they did, I had a buddy of mine. I bought an old Massachusetts state trooper bike and it still had the blue lights on it.
It was funny. He just thought it was the lenses. So he changed out the lenses and he didn't realize that the bulbs were also blue. So he had to take it apart.
I think he actually left them on. For a motorcycle? Yeah. Yeah.
I never had a motorcycle, man. What did we have? You know, you can see the jeeps. They have like those tarp things you can put on the top so the doors are off and all that so you get the wind in your face but you don't roast.
I would think you'd want that in Arizona. Sometimes you would put like a tarp over at night and stuff. I think during like maybe, I guess the spring or something. But I think otherwise it was just one option open, you know?
So just cruising. At any point, can I promote that I have a special out here? Yeah. I don't know where we're going with this.
I have a special out on that's streaming now on Netflix called Paper Tiger. Paper Tiger. That's right. It was beautiful.
Was it awesome to shoot at the, what's the name of the place? Royal Albert Hall. Royal Albert Hall. No, it was amazing.
Yeah. Because if, you know, even if I didn't know, you know, some of the people that played there, the second you walked in there, you would know that some heavy hitters had been there. So it was pretty intimidating the first time. I did one show a year, like about nine months before I did that one.
And I was like, yeah, let's shoot one here. And then the first show that I did that was really in my head a lot where I was just like. So you went to kind of not run the hour. You went to just get a feel for the venue first.
I just wanted to do it. Oh, you were doing it. And then when I did it, then the idea came about maybe do a special here. And then I talked to Mike Binder about it.
Yeah, no Binder, yeah. Yeah. And he, you know, we smoked cigars. So he's just like, he kind of did it, I think, because he wanted to smoke a cigar with me in London, which is as funny as that is.
And that's how we ended up going over there. But I since watched all these videos that I'm kind of glad I didn't know all these. I just knew Zeppelin was there. That was my big thing.
The Beatles played there. I even saw, I think, George Michael, they were doing a thing for, no, for Linda McCartney. Yeah. She lost her arm, right?
No, she died. Yeah. She died. She lost it at all.
She lost it at all, yeah. So they were doing a thing. And then he came out and sang like a Beatles song and sang one of his songs and just like fucking crushed it. Playing all classical music.
So yeah, I definitely felt crass being there the first time. But then the second time, the pressure of the special. I got to have a good set. You can kind of fuck all that history.
Let me just go out and make sure I have a good time here. So fortunately it worked out. And I think Binder, the way you shot it, put it over the top. Yeah.
Yeah. Some of the shots from the rear, you can just see it. It looks like you're performing like almost an infinite amount of people at some point. Yeah.
It's not as big as you would think, but it's very, it's big, but it's like really intimate. It's like the sound is perfect. It's, uh, yeah, man. It's, it's something else.
I'll say that. Susan Boyle has been there. Remember her? Who else?
I bet they've had, it seems like, has it played for a couple hundred years? Uh, since the mid 1800s. Oh, Jesus. Yeah.
Some guy, it was Prince Albert. No, Prince Albert. Dude, I love how you just fucking reached him for shit. A couple thousand years.
It's been around Napoleon. That's an old guy. Well. Prince Albert.
Prince Albert. Winston Churchill. I'm sure he did something there. He probably smoked a stick there.
Talked shit about the Germans. Yeah, no, a lot of people, a lot of people played there. So, uh. Historic.
That's what it looked like. Yes. Yes. So, I had to make sure when we shot it that we just didn't do, you know, the wham-bam way that they shoot so many specials, which I have avoided my whole career because I've always tried to work with people that really, you know, wanted to, uh, make something great.
Right. Not just, you know, do the typical shots. I've worked with Jake Harris in my previous three. You told me about him.
He's great. Yeah. Yeah. He's like a Pryor fan.
And that shot that he does, that single shot that you see that he does in the, uh, my previous three specials from the crowd is a nod to Richard Pryor, uh, live on the Sunset Strip. It's literally a shot just for directors. And if any sort of, like, Pryor, um, fanatics would know. A lot of times the audio in the audience is so bad.
It's like, why even have it? Oh, the worst is when they put a whole bunch of them, when they would be doing a whole bunch of them. Yeah. In a group.
And they just would crank out 10 of them and then they would be taking crowd shots from somebody else's set. It was just so gross. The whole thing was gross and just not, it was just all for cat, for money. The whole thing was, oh, these are cheap to do.
Yeah. Get the comedian out there. He's already written it. You don't have to pay any writers.
He's already written it. He's the performer. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam, you know. And then we'll take advantage of you.
Well, I mean, they apply a very efficient model to it. That's how they look at it. Yeah. I think of it how we think of it.
No. And you don't think, I didn't think of it the first special. I didn't know. I didn't know.
Now it's like, okay, I know I want directors that care about me. I want to make something great and I want to have more control over it. And I know I can put an audience on myself. I'm not going to have to spend half the budget paying some lady to get, you know, the guarantee of seeing.
Yeah, yeah. I got burned a couple times on that. I got burned a couple times on that. Like, they somehow figure out what your budget is.
Yeah. You can have $8 or $80 million and their budget is going to come in like two cents below. We can shoot this special for $7.99. And then they find out you have, you know, not like you get $8 million, but say you had $8 million.
You'd be like, yeah, we did what he wants. It's going to be $7.9999 fucking million. And it's just like. Yeah, they're probably gypses.
It's gross. It's gross. The way that it was. It stands for such a weird thing where it's totally respected and completely disrespected.
It has this thing that where it's just like when you meet people who aren't comedians, so many people say, oh my God, I can't believe you got the balls to do that. I would never do that. But whenever they show a comedian, it's always the worst. Like, hey, this guy knows what I'm talking about.
Like a lampshade on their head. And we're just this loud, obnoxious on off stage. Just, oh my God, get this guy the fuck away from me. It's kind of how they do it.
Which I know because Joe's a plainful ass. But I don't know. I don't know. So I just, you know, I've always tried to work with people that love it and want to try and make something great.
Because, you know, if you get somebody that knows what they're doing, they can actually help the performance. Or it can go the other way. They can take something great and make it not so good. That's why I think acting is so difficult.
Because you're just so at the mercy of so many things. You know, some guy who's been up for four days. You just say you treasure what you do? Like, literally, you're worried that some big Hollywood director?
You can't take your comedic skills and say what the fuck somebody else wrote? You treasure your act so much. Is that what you're trying to tell me? The way that I present it, man.
The way that I present it, if I give somebody something, if I do something funny, it's like, yeah, I'm going to lead up to some fucktard that I feel like doesn't know how to best. This dude is going to be such a nightmare when he makes it. I treasure these jokes. How dare you?
This is vulgar. This edit is vulgar. That is how it be, too. But I think I have a thing.
I have a tough time working. I just think I have a tough time working with other people sometimes, you know, which is one of the reasons why I got into comedy anyway. You know, I would say get over that. Yeah.
Get over yourself and get over that because there's a lot of great people in this business and you're going to miss out. And I don't know. No, I don't know. Your loved ones will save money on the funeral costs because no one's going to go.
So there's not going to be too many fucking snacks I've got to put together. Yeah. I guess I don't have such a tough time, I think, working with other people, man, which is one of the reasons why I just do stand-up, you know. It's like that's the thing that I focus on mostly in podcasting because you get to do it yourself, you know.
Yeah. I would try to get over whatever social thing that that is. Yeah. Dude, if you're just by yourself all the time, you're still going to go crazy.
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That's 20% off with free shipping at Manscaped.com. Use the code Theo and tidy up your regions. We had a question that came out about a special, didn't we, Dan? About the special, no.
No, we did not. But you want to go to a video question? Yeah, let's do it. Yeah, let's do it.
Gang, gang. What's up, Theo? What's up, player? A good question from Mr.
Burr. Is this live? I said in another interview that he's close to a year sober. I was wondering if you had any tips for recovering addicts.
This question's coming all the way from Newfoundland, Canada. I'm recently 38 days clean. Dang, hitter. Just out of the facility.
Hook a brother up. Let me know. Hook a brother up. Bill, your boy right there.
Well, I'm not an addict. Right. I'm an idiot. Right.
So I've discovered with myself that if it's in the house, I'm going to consume it. Right. I've said this in a number of ways. And I mean, sugar or liquor, whatever?
Yeah, if there's a package of cookies, I'm going to eat it. And I'm not just going to take two and do that moderate. I'm going to eat the whole fucking sleeve. Yeah, vanilla creams.
Yeah, M&M's, ice cream, or booze, cigars. So I can't have, if I don't have that shit in the house, I'm fine. Because the cravings usually come at night. And then at night, you're just like, I don't get in the fucking car.
I don't get whatever the hell I want. So that's how it works for me. So this guy, I mean, this guy just went to a facility 38. I mean, that guy's like, you know, I'm playing touch football.
This guy's in the pros. So I'm not going to try to give him advice. I'm happy that that's what he's doing. Do you feel different after a year?
Do you notice anything different if not drinking for a year? Yeah, my cigar smoking went off the fucking rails. Because then it just becomes like, this is the thing that I'm trying to work past right now, that I've noticed that through all of the shit that I've done through just food, booze, and, you know, cigars, is every couple of days, you know, or maybe like once a day, even just like through food, like I want some sort of ramping up, some sort of buzz. Right, and you can do that through just going to McDonald's, people who are like obese and shit like that.
That's their fucking thing. Yeah, you can do anything. I mean, dude, I'll be honest with you. This is me relating to fat people.
There's nothing better than giving to McDonald's. Oh my God. It's the worst afterwards, but when you're in the fucking drive-thru and you're pulling up, like I am getting every fucking thing that I want here and it's still going to be under 10 bucks and it's just going to greasy slice. I mean, they give you that fucking book and you get the fresh French fries, not the ones that were laying there.
I mean, it's just like. And Latinos make the best fries too. If you notice whoever's in the window whenever you're driving by. Dude, if it's a Latino in there, fries are better 85% of the time.
Really? And that's not my notice. But I will say this. Sometimes I talk to the person in the window to make myself feel a little bit better about the purchase.
Do you ever do that? Like to kind of take the edge off of the fact that I'm. No, I have all shame. And the worst part is when I'm driving home is the grease and salt mixture on my steering wheel.
Oh yeah. From the front seat. It's like, oh God. The next day you wake up with a distended belly.
No, it kind of doesn't at first. And you think you got away with it. And then somewhere in the afternoon it just creeps in. Oh, I don't have that yet.
Yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. No, that's good.
That's good. I've had it. Something to look forward to. But no, I think there's definitely something like a thing.
Like there's a certain thing in the evening that happens. to me where it's like i need to do something it could be booze it could be cigarettes when i could drink i had cigarettes i started smoking cigarettes but it's always something pornography uh dove chocolates dark chocolates uh yeah you gotta find like you know what fascinates me is like basically the first 16 or 17 years of my life when i never drank a couple sips of my still a beer here for my dad but i never really went out and tried to get drunk until i was like 16 or 17 but i went for like a decade and a half like i was straight edge you know what i mean but the thing was you told kids you're straight no no no just start being a kid it's not like your first 10 years of your life like fuck playground man i need a drink i mean that's just not where your world is at and the thing was it's pandora's box then once you catch a buzz then it's just like oh man this is this other kind of living and it's it's you know i i didn't understand i was kind of using that as like a uh i'm not saying i'm never gonna fucking drink again but i i had i had to like i kind of just had to like step back and just be like oh because you know the reality is i got a kid so i just didn't want to be that i'm like you know what's wrong with your kids around my fucking lou grant with a bottle of whiskey and remember that i'm married time the more show she'd have a rough day and she'd come in and i remember the whole show i can explain it to you yeah i can explain it i don't know what that is all right i don't know i don't know and the second i start to explain i don't know the whole show all right i get it i get it is that comic add like i don't even fuck i'm not into it i don't hear i got it your show go ahead continue i remember uh all right let's talk about old shows then we don't have to i just was it's so funny how you fucking you bailed twice on that you made me feel like an asshole like that was the first time i fucking brought it up sorry no mary tyler moore one of the great ensemble fucking cast of all time i do know she just died recently uh yeah i mean i was gonna bring up a more positive story about the show but yeah it's the second time i bring up fucking george michael was in an aids event huh some sort of gay thing why didn't say gay bro why did you say aids because he had aids man no he didn't did he i jesus no he didn't well people have been saying he did i think you are confusing it with gay no i'm not i didn't know he was gay i knew that apparently he's in a park that's what i heard no he blew a guy in a port-a-potty and got busted for lewd activity and then you know he you know had a little fucking you know he liked getting a little buzz at the end of the fucking day maybe he got away from i think that's what happened but like what i would like to focus on is how amazing his voice was and how talented he was and i played and performed and stood in the same spot that this guy did that's what the point was not what he died of yeah oh wait a minute what happened in your life uh who'd you lose early on you're really into death well no i mean i remember you don't want to get to know mary tyler moore because you're afraid she's gonna leave you too i remember listening to a george michael on the school bus when i go to school and i felt like and i always feel like you're gonna catch aids no airborne hiv through the fucking radio i mean bro i was holding up to my ear you know i can feel my head in a roofless school bus the windborne radio aids was gonna get me oh man do you think it's interesting that they can like uh they can stop it but they can't cure it and all those comics that have done bits about how basically the the money is in the treatment not in the cure yeah and they kind of learned that with polio because it seems like they cured it but they're not gonna 100 cure it because they want you to keep coming back and get people on yeah which you know probably fuck with your liver we'll see like that with everything i mean it's like how they how some things are continue to be allowed to like you know like even with all like with automobiles like they can sure they have something that would be you know for years where it would just be so much less gas but they just give you like one little piece every five years it's so fucking stupid it's so short-sighted all of that shit that has happened is the number one fucking thing the number one thing as we're sitting there focusing on like these stupid like minutiae words pronouns bathrooms yeah it's like guys none of this is gonna fucking exist this is gonna be like a mad max movie if you know you know just watching these politicians their hands are fucking bound they get paid so such little money they're so they're so ideas and they're bought and paid for um i think they should have like i'm trying to have like empathy for politicians as opposed to just all the screaming yelling and then just oh you know anyway the red ties the blue tie people they fuck it all up you know um well you gotta i think i think there has to be something like i guess individual citizens i think the best way if you want to try to get something going is try to start something with your friends because if you try to go through all of that shit in dc like they always said if you become president if you're lucky you get one thing that you wanted to get done if you're lucky you just get like that one thing so i don't know it's too depressing to watch i don't understand news junkies oh why why you would fucking do that to yourself and the fucking stories that they show my god it's just like i can't i don't fucking see this it's all sad stuff here's sad stuff that you can't do anything about and now you know it yeah enjoy yourself try not to drink tonight don't go to mcdonald's yeah but do you feel like there was a time though when what makes me was there time the news was ever credible do you feel like it was more credible when they used to have like rules of sevens back in the day where like one no one person could own like seven a combination of seven uh newspapers radio stations and uh tv in like the same market because the worry was like well they're all working for the same guy then what he thinks is true is what they're going to think and then they just kept deregulating and deregulating and deregulating uh until now it's just infinite so now you just have like two towers of their version of what's going on here which is fox news and cnn and both of them are ridiculously biased yeah ridiculously yeah well back in the day like like the way they did it was the news guy you weren't supposed like a sports announcer you're not supposed to hear him you can't you're not supposed to know who he's for yeah of course every sports fan thinks they can tell especially when the team's losing because they fucking hates us um so they would just deliver the news as it was and like um yeah the facts it seemed like yeah there was a lot more of journalists breaking shit and and bringing down like people who are really doing some bad shit where now that's kind of all gone away where everybody's sucking the corporate cock so i think that that's why now they're going after like comedians and shit and i've always joked that if we bought ad time on fox news and cnn all of this shit would go away yeah well i mean at least at least it would go away there i'm not saying it would go away on uh social media but um were you surprised that you're special that did you get a lot of notes on your special yeah but my i was more surprised that people tried to lump it in with the specials that they did where it was just like i mean if you look at it musically i mean a country album is not a rock album it's not a rap album so it's like it's all like different and my special you know i did some topical shit but most of what it was about was me being trying not to be an angry asshole and pass this on to my kid and be a better husband and just realizing how difficult i am to live with that's what the main thing was about but most people that asked me the questions went for the same like hot topic fucking shit right like me too stuff yeah i'm trying to say that which was you know that whole thing was because i would say you know it was pretty harsh and blah blah blah it's like oh what the part where i said it happened to me and no one would give a shit because i was a guy like they didn't even fucking you know they didn't ask questions about that it was all just like they just want to create just all about creating more stuff well no it's yeah it's they're hacks and what's funny is is if i told i i think i said this on rogan like if i said the same 10 jokes you said you said the same 10 jokes we looked at as the worst fucking comics out just hacks okay but if you're a journalist for some reason they can all ask the exact same five to ten questions and you just want to be don't you have any pride in what you do don't you want the person that you're interviewing in to be like wow man i know everybody asked that's a great for them to enjoy it as opposed to rolling their eyes like fuck this again and just i had a guy started an interview and he goes um he goes don't be alarmed by these questions i actually liked your special and it was just one fucking fuck him i mean not yeah i never take it to fuck him it was just like it was just disappointing it was just like oh god this again we'll just know it's just like there's no individuality it's um well i think what it is is because there's so much shit to look at out there that you have to go with controversy just to get people to stop so that you get clicks on your website and then there's like advertising hits and the dangerous thing about that is when that's where you're steering the ship you're gonna go at somebody who didn't do anything right you know what i mean and eventually you could get them caught up under the fucking farming equipment which has happened to a number of comedians yeah who got caught up in the fucking wake of that weinstein shit and you know just to watch all of these so-called social justice warriors to sort of just collectively turn a blind eye to that because they're so worried about like losing this hold that they have and it's just like but they're losing a hold do you feel i mean that hold i feel like is it's like i feel like so many more people go out to see can we get into that podcast i think i think that it's just adjusting to where it needed to go it probably had to go past it had to go into like a witch hunt phase and it's going to adjust to now that if somebody does something like that that someone can say something and then it's fine it is far not fine the person did but they'll be able to oh this is what this is we know what this is let's investigate this let's find out what's going on blah blah blah they'll be like it's i feel like it's going to a rational place where it was totally irrational before agreed and then it blew past rational and went all the way irrational the other side and the same yeah which is how you know and then it's yeah yeah yeah it's gonna end up in a comfortable spot yeah i mean there's just no empathy it's a lot of times what gets me is like social justice like that like this whole like judgment there's the same people that will say like we need people to have space to learn and space to be themselves and figure out who they are but then there's no empathy for anyone when it comes to like a word or a statement or something from a decade ago or yeah when you go back in somebody's past it's like you're not trying to find out who they are you're going back to find the mistake they made and then that mistake is who they are it's like everything else that you did you could literally be a fucking eagle scout you know playing free shows at an old folks home and helping out veterans and all of this shit but one fucking time you did x y and z that's who you are and um yeah you know i would i just wish that they would like you know if somebody does that hey we're going back 15 years i think we should go back 15 years in this person's life it's like okay as long as we're cool we're doing it to you too and then yeah and then we'll find them there's no fucking way you can't go back in anybody's life you can go back 15 months of my life and not find somebody that doesn't fucking like me or i said something i shouldn't have fucking said it's just like it's inherent but everybody does these fucking assholes driving around like these perfect people it's like no you just don't have a podcast yeah you know but this is the funny thing is all these fucking people are getting like this home security and all this shit where you can see like the fucking thief and all that they're gonna be recording themselves and they're gonna be saying shit in their fucking houses and all these regular people you're gonna find it just like anybody else in the public eye like you you make jokes you have the way that you joke with your friends right it's normal yeah you know it's a joke they don't know it's a joke but then they hear your private conversation they try to take it first of all this is a private conversation you shouldn't have been listening to yeah there's no context that's the problem with all the social media and everything that's the problem even with like it's like you can see something even on facebook or anywhere you see something you just see that clip that bit and it gets a reaction but you don't see the timeline so you don't have any context of where it plays and so then people constantly react we got a kid laying in his bed right here who sent this video in and he had a question it's related to all this what up Theo love the podcast what up Bill you're a long time fan I'm sending this video directly from my bed with an open-ended question what do you guys think of that comedian shangulus that was just like over my snl or really just what do you think of the situation in general thanks gang gang and you guys commented on this on David Spade last time was that last time yesterday no I think I just answered it I don't think it's fair I wouldn't want to be judged by one thing that I did yeah you know 10 15 years ago so that's personally something I wouldn't do I would never do that to somebody right and I think it says a lot about you as a person that you went out and did that to him is I mean I don't think uh you know I mean especially like it's just starting out as a comic or you're like you're riffing and stuff it's just like dude I gotta bit my act right now that like the first time I told it to him and screamed at me and walked out and fucking wait wait waited to tell me go fuck myself and all that I got into him with the you know and then I honed it and I honed it and the other night same fucking joke this woman came up to me oh my god I feel like you were talking about my life and it's just like you know so so what am I though which guy am I am I that fucking guy that made the two women get fucking mad and then I told him to go fuck themselves and they yelled at me you know what I mean are they better than I am you know what I mean I just don't I don't get how that works well yeah I don't see how there's no long-term value in it it just ends up with a witch hunt where we all cancel everybody and I also think SNL was getting shit for never having an Asian cast member so then he said something about Asians and then they had to look past their own bullshit their bullshit it's like if he gets canceled why doesn't SNL get canceled it took him 40 fucking years yeah to finally cast somebody Asian that's okay but this guy says forever and this guy says one fucking uh yeah that's it and then he's done and then that's who he is forever yeah and this thing I don't know the guy so I don't know who he is but I'm not gonna just watch fucking a second clip of somebody on a podcast okay I know who that guy is and whether or not he should and then forget about the fact that like like like how the punishment works like I think how the punishment works as far as being a stand-up comedian is if you sell tickets and you're actually gonna make some money you should never do stand-up again yeah but if you're not gonna sell tickets it's okay for you to start a career as a comedian or continue flailing as a comedian it doesn't even make fucking sense yeah none of it none of it does but like I said I think it's it's adjusting back but it's gonna take some balls on um corporation side to not give into this shit and why can I tell you this because god forbid one fucking nickel rolls out the fucking door for an hour god for fucking bid they don't give a shit it's all about their brand and keeping this fucking thing going when I mean I get it to one level not gonna let one person fucking destroy a four-year march right I get that but I just think that how quickly they just cut and run but just to stand up and say hey look we understand we're a company understand that people are people and we all make mistakes and we all do things maybe out of context from 15 years ago in our life and we're an understanding company I think yeah but the thing that they didn't let this guy go because of that is now you're validating that there's one bad thing is who this person is right and now he has to fucking carry that like that's gonna be like his thing and it's just like it's it's it's it's horrifically not it's not that's not fair to the fucking kid that did that to him would have started it wouldn't be fair to do it to that person there's no fucking way you can't go back and do this to someone imagine like what that kid's supposed to be saying he's supposed to be one of the best comedians ever what if you know that's his what is his destiny you know or he's supposed to do something novel you also grow you also grow the more you travel you have your fucking eyes and your ears open oh yeah it's the best thing about traveling because then you have friends you have frames of references and then shit that people say it's funny you go back to your hometown and the shit that people were saying that was making sense now you have to step back and be like that's that's that's not right that's not cool to say that oh i remember when i went to africa man i was like holy shit i had no idea that like other countries i mean i knew they were like real you know from books and from like a code but i didn't know they were real from till i went there put my feet on no i know i know what you mean you know what's great was it's so fucking mind-blowing is when you go to asia and you go there and because they don't pay attention to it other than this fucking horse shit we're trying to start wars with people you go there and it's like it's literally like you went to another planet yeah you show up and it's like they have their own pop stars their own airlines their their own it's exactly like here completely different and it's just like oh this is their cvs this is their something and it's just it was the fucking coolest thing and you know there's different like cars like uh that they just don't put out here in the u.s yeah like they'll have like a couple like peugeot's a big thing like i kind of saw when i was over there but like that was sort of the uh the thrill of going over there was watching like all right they could get like who's their guns and roses like it makes these fucking people go crazy and like their acdc and all this so i really got into the music when i was over there i couldn't understand what they were saying but like but the energy but just like laughing watching it and you'd see the way the person was dressed and how the crowd was reacting is it china uh where was i think this was uh singapore hong kong uh mumbai it just but the whole thing just traveling through all right oh mumbai's beautiful yeah and singapore airlines where they still have like the hot chicks fucking services for some reason that became like discontinued yeah like this asshole thing dude it's the greatest thing ever oh and they all if you watch them in the airport they'll move like a school of fish almost yeah they're all in a group of formation they're all in like it's like a young beautiful military i know and you're just sitting there like it makes you happy to be on the airplane god forbid yeah god forbid and then people just sit there She has to be beautiful Yes, that's fucking part of nature People are trying to act like that Isn't a fucking thing Anyway, so Oh, nature is a thing But here's the thing Before I fucking Traveled Before I did 20 years in a row And then fucking go there Like, shit to me That was like Factually acceptable Joke acceptable And all of that Was just, you know It was just Yeah, it was just, man So I didn't realize how many people Like when I grew up in a small town We just had You know, it was like Probably maybe 70% white 30% black And it was a pretty poor town And I remember going to Africa The first country I ever went to And I was like It's a continent, it's not a country Yeah, and I remember thinking Holy shit, dude All these people are going to be in heaven That's what I never realized And I was like Fuck, because I always pictured heaven Like just the people from my town Were going to be there And then I remember going to this place And being like Holy shit, man What are we going to do now in heaven It's going to be packed That was my first thought Did you believe in heaven? Yeah, and I thought Well, when we die, dude It's going to be packed And so then suddenly All this anxiety Like, you know Like, I guess not anxiety But just like, you know Like, fuck, man I've got to rethink You know, what Your afterlife Yeah, and so I was like Yeah, rethink in heaven Is there room for Africans In your afterlife Yeah, and there's a lot of room for them You've got to see how many are coming Or you've got to see how many are coming But then I went to India one time And I saw like some kids there Smiling and playing And dude, to this day I've never seen as much joy Come out of like a group of kids And for some reason Just like I had a great time in India They were like Friendliest people Well, they were ball breakers I was really amazed At the sense of humor That was over there Because that's not something You hear about When we talk about India We talk about the food We talk about the religion The caste system The sacred cow All this hacky shit The style of dress But they never talked about the people And I got there And they were really, really funny Like just ball breakers Like the comics like broke balls It was really, really funny And it was Yeah, that was a great time It was just a little scary to go to As far as like When I got like I had to get a work permit to go there And then when I went there I had to get them to sign a piece of paper So it was okay for me to leave And I didn't like that At all Like someone was checking in for school Or something like that No, I had to go to like This fucking embassy thing And they wouldn't let the promoter come in there And I was sitting Some chick from Afghanistan We're both looking at each other Like are they going to let us out of here And it was like When they do this thing When you ask them a question Yeah What, do you guys own me now? What's going on here?
Am I even going to fucking Would that guy take the drugs to him? What the fuck was that movie? I don't know what the fuck it was Oh, uh, Women in a Nah, this is before you This is when you were really young Midnight Express Oh, yeah Yeah, you guys know With Tom Hanks? Just file that under Mary Tyler Moore Yeah Oh, that's Polar Express Yeah, Polar Express Anyway, it was Yeah, that was the only part of the trip That I didn't like And it was I found out that it's harder for people Who lived on the West Coast To get out of there Than on the East Coast Which means some senator Said something or did something And fucked with them So this is their political Fuck you back Oh, wow Yeah, because there was some I'm not good with the name Some beautiful pop star American Like one of those Nora Jones, you know Piano plane Gorgeous woman She went there And she couldn't get out He's what the promoter told me So I was thinking Alright, they don't let somebody Who looks like that get out There's no fucking way I'm getting out So what was good was I had a red-eye flight And I showed up And I handed the paper And the guy was fucking doing this shit And I just guerrillaed my way through And I was just like Dude, it's the paper I have to go I gotta go And he was just like He just fucking stamped it And then I felt like And we switched over to Air Emirates Which I swear to God Is one of the most insane fucking planes And I used my SkyMount So we were like sitting up top First class So when I got in there And I went to go to the bathroom And I went in the back There was a fucking bar That you could stand up While the plane was going It was like a semicircle Had enough of like six people to stand around So I came back And I said to my wife I go, yeah, come on back here She goes, well, what?
I go, come here, I gotta show you this And she's like, I fucking look at the bathroom So we come walking in And she saw the bar I said, I'd like to buy you a drink So then we sat down on like this bench They had like this giant seat Went to Australia Did a whole run there Went to New Zealand Then Singapore Then Hong Kong Then Mumbai Wow, and you walked with me the whole time? Yeah, before I had a kid And then we connected in Dubai And then flew to New York Then I did some gigs there And I literally flew around the world On that So that gets back to you Where like you know Africa exists But you don't know how it exists Until you go there And that was the thing Where like flying is just like Yeah, it all exists Or this is like, you know Steven Spielberg They paid him to come up with Some sort of like scenery shit And give you the sensation That you were flying, I don't know Yeah, I don't think they can do all that I think a lot of people You know, a lot of people Get in all that The flat earth and this and that But I don't think that that's really I think there could be something going on I don't think that's it That's too easy As far as what? As far as making people Like getting people to act and stuff In Africa and getting people I don't think somebody's like making You know I thought you were talking about flat earth I don't think people would literally Have to have the world scientists In every single country Yeah Join on the same lie But if they were able to do that Then all these wars are a lie Yeah, they can't do that You know By the way, how much longer Are they going to keep saying Like Iraq, Iran did something They're just forcing us into that How the fuck are we going to pay for this? Every other day there's an article I don't know I think they want to go back I think it fell down in Saudi Arabia We think Iran did it You know that's from mine Remember that great Bill Hicks bit Where he was like You need to pick up the gun?
Uh-uh Oh, God, you've got to hear that one He's a reference to a Jack Palance movie Which you don't know And you probably don't give a shit I remember Barnaby Barnaby Collins, remember him? Barnaby Jones, yeah Barnaby Jones, no, that's the one I didn't watch Fuck Oh, it was good, man Buddy Ebson Mattox, Fly 5-0 The original Buddy Ebson, remember him? Buddy Ebson, no I feel like that was a little overblown But that was just one more In this series of incidences What are your thoughts on him Joining the Patriots? I think he's a great player Paul Verzi had the best take on that I thought Where he was wondering If some of the concussions Because he was a really quiet guy You know In the first half of his career And then all of a sudden Out of nowhere There's all like this erratic behavior I'm not talking about this No, there seems like a big ego stuff Yeah, there's more of a There's a lot of surrounding him It's like Kanye I don't know what's going on Yeah, I don't know what's going on With that guy But I'll be honest with you He was always on The Steelers So I didn't really watch A lot of his interviews But I just don't ever remember him Having much of a problem While he was with Pittsburgh Until the end Then all of a sudden It just became like this thing And then he goes Oakley has a problem With the helmet or something like that I don't know I don't know You know, I gotta be honest with you I really don't think Any of that's any of my business I don't know why people Post shit like that Or he wants to post it I don't give a shit I just want to watch the game And if this guy's a good guy And he's going to be great And he's going to win with the Patriots I hope you keep him And if he's, you know A knucklehead Or did that shit That they're suggesting he did Then, you know You get rid of the guy It's as simple as that But like I don't get into the fucking Real housewife aspect of sports I don't give a fuck Right About Right, that's not who That's not what we're there for Yeah, I want to watch the game I don't want to sit at a fucking Tailgate fucking parking lot Talking to some asshole About like Somebody's What the fuck Did you see what he did The Dairy Queen It's like I don't give a fuck Isn't that for the local authorities What are you going to be Some gumshoe here now What do you think about the scandal Yeah, I'm a sports fan I don't think I just fucking watch this shit And react to stuff That has nothing to do with my life And I enjoy it I'll tell you what you got to get into You got to get into motorcycle racing You got to get into MotoGP Really?
That shit is the best fucking racing out there These guys are out of their fucking minds In a great way Do they do it here in the US too? They have one race a year I'm going next year in Austin They have one Formula One race here The same place I'm fucking going Every race It's down to the final lap And they pass each other Like three or four times And they're on the track Oh wow My niece does dirt biking But Oh, that was Andre DiBizioso Number four And Mark Marquez That was in What the fuck was that one? That last lap of that fucking race Is insane Wow This is every last lap from 2019 Oh it is, yeah It's insane You don't get this in Formula One Because once Lewis Hamilton gets in the front You can take a fucking nap It's over Look at that shit The Ducati's going Trying to get past the hump On the straightaway They go over 200 miles an hour I think they're doing like 70 or something In the turns It's fucking insane Wow That's balls now Dude, you have a lot of hobbies, Bill I get into shit, man You have a lot of things you like, dude I need to get into this guy Look at that guy That's Italian right there You can't have that much love In your fucking arms If you're not Italian, bro Look at that Look at those guys Yeah, it's like they're on a fucking horse And they're like banging into each other See, now he came on the brakes Too late there So he went too hot in the corner The guy in the red So he ducked in I don't know a lot about it But I just watched This shit has me come up off my couch Wow You, uh I wonder if they have radio on their helmet You think they're probably listening to the boss, huh? No You seem popular with that Really?
Out of frustration Yeah He got me Do you sometimes wish that you had another life To do something that was a little bit more violent like that? You think that's violent? That's a little I mean, it's I think the results Well, if this is the thing What is it called when you were like Oh, more adrenaline rush? Yeah, yeah No, I think I got this life right As far as like I feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to do But like I will say that as far as racing goes I've gotten into it Where I've watched like Old Formula 1 and Old MotoGP And I gotta tell you The second you press play It's immediately scary Like these guys could die And people died a lot Like ridiculously a lot Back in the 50s and 60s And it was fucking insane I read this book called Your listeners are into racing I read this book called The Limit And which is basically where these guys Try to push the car Basically the Or the bike or whatever you're racing The absolute limit of the performance Before you fucking crash Like that's where you have to be racing Or somebody else is gonna Take it to the limit And you have like a fucking test pile You gotta figure out where that is So this book is about The first American Who won the Formula 1 Yeah It was a fucking amazing book So And he was the first American Not only to win the championship In Formula 1 But also to drive for Ferrari And we were just considered inferior Wow Because we got all this space out here And the Formula 1 Just takes place in Europe Well I mean I believe it started over there I'm not quite sure But it started over there Brazil had it now Well they had a race there But as far as the cars It's mainly German, Italian British got a car in there I don't know Just throughout the years Whatever So this guy gets a job The American Gets a job driving for Ferrari So he gets his race car In the film In the book In the book, yeah So when he gets the car He notices The floorboards I guess Which are just all metal I think at that point There was a hole in it And it was basically The last guy who drove it Got decapitated And he bled out in the car And how they hosed the water out They just drilled a hole So he's getting Dude it's fucking intense Damn So these guys Dude they would die People in the crowd would die They had one This guy's fucking had an accident They fucking hit each other The hood came off Went into the crowd Like a Chinese star And decapitated like six people And this guy landed On the concrete barriers Just landed dead You see this hood Fucking go into the crowd Give me more research I would say Formula One There was a German guy Whose nickname was Crash Or something like that He went in Vintage Formula One German Crash crowd Death There you go That's how I look for shit I saw a fucking Pirelli Go into a In front of a Popeye's chicken One time off a highway 190 Over there By also Kenny Rogers Roasters Remember that place If that fucking hits you In the chest Your fucking Your insides are liquefied Wide open That's the ultimate liver shock Was it in 1961 Yeah something like that I don't think it would be around there These fucking people were standing I was on a straightaway So they thought they were just Behind a rope All right here you go Tragedy and Hunter This might be it This guy named Wolfgang Wolfgang that's him There we go Here we go Let's see if this is it Seems to be the same footage Over and over again Am I crazy Oh they cut it out They cut it out He went into the crowd You gotta get Okay so Wolfgang Von Tripp's Fatal Crash Yeah see those people They're looking down At dead people Oh there was a fan There's a couple dead right there Look you can see the dead Right through there There's a hat There's a hat No head Oh my god look at that Yeah and that was it You couldn't see anybody Unbelievable Who's talking about death now Bill And he died That's the Mary Tyler Moore circuit He's just I mean the balls The balls are just racing The fucking 90s Just the sound of the cars They just sound scary And their gas was right there I feel like back in the day Like if I looked around In my dad's car enough I could find a little bit of gasoline You know Like it was always within Arms reach or within Like noses smell I got an old Ford pickup The gas tank is right behind the seat And when I get low on gas I hear it sloshing around You have an F-150?
F-100 Oh that's awesome man What year is it? 68 I drove it over here Oh you did? Yeah yeah That's awesome Yeah I got him on the column But I mean it's not something That I would want to get into An accident with That's why Because of fire? Well yeah And also there was no Crumple zones back then It was just the engine Went into your chest It's not like a fucking Modern day car We can just hit shit And bounce These people still die But I'm just saying Those Yeah like you take I'd rather die I think Yeah you're in a Yeah Well it depends It depends Yeah maybe if it's a nice day I would if it's a fucking If it's boiling I don't know It depends on what my injuries Are going to be Alright here we go This is the first person Wearing a shirt I believe That's our pants Alright Hey Bill Hey Theo This is Marissa from Raleigh North Carolina And so Bill I heard you say on I believe it was Joe Rogan's podcast That you really like the film Once upon a time in Hollywood And you've seen it several times And I know Theo said That he walked out Halfway through it So I was just wondering Maybe if you could talk about Why you loved it so much And Theo Why you walked out Halfway through it Anyway gang gang Well this is where Bill and I Don't talk anymore after this No no if you didn't like it You didn't like it I absolutely fucking loved it I heard on your podcast You said you loved it Oh my god Dude it's the best work Leo's I mean Brad Pitt's First time you watched it I was just like I want to be Brad Pitt's the guy I want to be I don't know I just couldn't get into it And I didn't know what was going on And it made me feel uncomfortable And I was like I gotta get out of here Because I started to feel like Everybody knows what's going on And I don't know what's going on You know I guess Yeah that's for you and the therapist That happens to you at the fucking movies You think the whole movie theater Gives a shit about what it Are you making like audible noises That you didn't Huh What That's the only way they would know Fuck man I didn't know I was so fucked up Yeah you do Yeah you do You do I know the answer on track man You do I really did it though I really did it man I'm not going to sit here And try to talk you into that masterpiece It might be my favorite thing That's what you said That's unbelievable Remember that movie Dream Team Probably one of the best movies I remember Michael Keaton I love Michael Keaton What was the Dream Team Will you show the picture of that I've seen everything from Mr.
Mom And the thing he did about When he was trying to run The American Car Making Company Oh that was a great one I know you're talking about Hold That Tiger That one when he had the car The The light in the middle No that Kevin Costner was in that No that was Tucker Tucker that was good Yeah How good was that They should remake that There you go right there I never saw that one Probably one of the top 20 or 30 films ever I think It's in color too Dream Team It's about four guys They're in a mental health facility And they finally get tickets to a baseball game Oh I never saw that one I've seen most of his films Did you ever see Founder? Is that about the dog that dies? No that's about McDonald's Oh my god You saw that right You liked that one? So good There you go You didn't walk out You didn't feel like I understand fast food I like this one Too much talking Can't handle It was like I can see why you wouldn't enjoy it That one did it for me bro That Founder was so good See I love something that has I think more of like a Like Glory Another movie Glory about the slave fight From 19 No from 1700 Wasn't that a Denzel movie?
Matthew Broderick Denzel Washington Damon Wayans So I don't think you like Slice of Life Because from what I've heard That was one spot in Hollywood Not a ton of narrative arc That's not Slice of Life That's what people are saying That's what people are saying It is Slice of Life Yeah they're just living Can we look up the definition I didn't know what it Can we look up Slice of Life again It was the Manson murders with a happy ending That was the backdrop I just like how he took all the fear Out of the Manson family He's like There's a bunch of stupid fucking hippies Who killed a bunch of creative Talented people in the prime of their lives And then the other people Who weren't in show business Down the street That he didn't seem to cover I know we talked about this before Bill off Just on the phone But do you Like I have a tough time With like giving away Like when I do a special And that sort of thing Like doing Giving away the audio All that kind of stuff I guess Not like letting go of my material But I mean you treasured the audio Right Why would you Why would you But did you ever feel like that Because you always seem like the guy Who wants to do it his own way You know you have all things coming You always seem like the guy That wants to Oh I had that with a bunch of other people So that was me working with other people Right Yeah See I opened it up And look what happened I'm putting out Jessica Kirsten's special Is coming out next Oh really Ian Edwards Ian Talk Yeah Ian Talk is up right now We did one with Paul Verzi You know So yeah I do I work with a bunch of people Al Madrigal Yeah Mike's great by the way Yes he is Yes he is Anyways What were you asking me Just did you have a tough time I guess I don't know Someone's having a tough time with that I just have a tough time with like Just feeling like I'm getting To take a punch I mean that's the best you can do Because it's coming It's coming There's always going to be like It's very rare You know That you know Somebody There's always There's always the bullshit That you're going to have to wait through So you need to get a really good lawyer And you have to be willing to walk Those are two huge things And then you just kind of go from there And you got to go with your gut And sometimes they get you Sometimes they don't But it is not a You know Business is not a fun experience Yeah Just put it that way It's just like lying and stealing Probably the two number one commandments Broken every fucking Ninetyth of a second And so That's what it is Which is what's so funny about This whole dialogue out there What do they call it That's going on out there About how you know Men move through the world And you just basically The doors fly open and stuff It's like no dude It is a It's a fuck party They're trying to get your face down Every fucking thing you walk in That whole thing That like there's like That is a guy You're immune Oh it's horrible To this fucking Yeah dude The amount of times I've almost just quit this business The only reason why I didn't Was because I realized that like It's like well I'm just going to get into another business And it's going to be the same way Right It's the nature of business The nature of business Is that there's just Yeah People are going to fucking Try to put your face down On their desk And if you let them Look I'll tell you this If you do a little bit of You know gambling If you like to get out there At the late night hours And lay a little wager down Something fancy you know Maybe they got a A whamaraner Is going to do a Running uphill against a beagle You know you want to lay A few shillings on it Well you can Maybe you got a shrimp And a seahorse Want to wrestle And you can do that In the yard And make you a little money But at the end of a hard week It's great to sit down Take some time off And watch football A more popular competition Do the smart thing when you do it And go to mybookie.ag No one gives you more ways To win than they do Mybookie I just accidentally Accidentally laid a wager last week I went to bet New Orleans Saints And that they get 10 wins Accidentally bet They get under 10 wins Next thing you know Drew Brees goes down And I got a shot So I got a shot Accidental But maybe you can do better than I can Don't forget where you're betting Is just as important As who you're betting on You don't want to be betting On one of these places They're not real And it's just a lady at her house Counting all your money You know If you're the kind of guy Who likes to bet a little And win a lot Try a parlay If your picks come through You multiply your winnings That's how you do it Join now Get Mybookie And they'll double your first deposit Yep If you want to lay a certain amount Then they'll match it for you It's like a 401k for gambling Use promo code Theo To activate the offer That's promo code T-H-E-O Visit Mybookie.ag today That's right Mybookie.ag today And they will double What you lay down That bonus amount And you play You win Use code Theo This past weekend Brought to you by You know Skillshare You got to have an ability Some people You know They might have an ability To make a snow cone Or they do a painting Somebody do flooring Somebody do fluoride A dentist But Skillshare They do online learning It's a community With more than 25,000 classes In business, design, and more You can find all types of ways To make your curiosity Your creativity And your career Feel vibrant You can take classes In social media marketing Mobile photography Creative writing Even illustration Whether you're looking To discover a new passion Or get that side hustle Or get those pro skills Those professional abilities Skillshare is there To keep you learning Join the millions of students Already learning on Skillshare Today with a special offer Just for TPW listeners You can get two months Of the enigmatic Skillshare For free That's right Skillshare is offering Our listeners Two months of unlimited access You want that access To over 25,000 classes For F-R-E-E Go to Skillshare.com Slash Theo Vaughn Again, go to Skillshare.com Slash Theo Vaughn To start your two months now That's Skillshare.com Slash Theo Vaughn Get a skill And get out there I'll give you one This even fuck overs On little shit Watch your rider on the road Don't have a bunch of shit On your rider Because they're going to go out And they're going to buy all of it In the biggest size And overcharge you And you're not going to consume it And then they're going to Take it home themselves Jesus Yeah, which is why my ride Is like bottled waters And a salad with a protein Yeah, you know I got blueberries And a little bit of cut turkey From the on a devil Yeah, that's what you want to do But if you start having like Lamb or something Liquor and all No, I'm just fucking like You know, I want these candies I want this They're going to buy The Halloween fucking pack And that right there Will be a way To fucking skim 200 bucks For me That's just at that fucking level Forget about all the other shit You know, you get them With promoters And they double, triple, quadruple Fucking dip It's like You can't Because It's hard for me to do my work Because I get so fucking mad Having to be my own business person sometimes You know what I'm saying? Or having to feel like I'm getting I don't know You can't take it The problem I have Is that the people who do it Sleep at night Comfortably And they're just like That's how business is done This is how we do business That's how you do business You can't do business Unless you're just fucking somebody over And stealing from them How do you feel when you sit In your fucking hot tub I don't know I got fucking issues in other areas You know, look at one from your special About the lady in the hot tub You're fucking sitting right there next to me Oh yeah, the way white women Have divorced themselves From their own white privilege Bro, I fell off of my couch Swung that Gucci boot Over the other side of the fence To be victims It's fucking hilarious Let's take a question right here We got another Speaking of a white guy Right here with all his fucking privilege Sending this in Hey Bill, Theo, this is Luke Hey Theo, I was just wondering If you've ever flown in a helicopter Bill, would you take him up That'd be kind of a fun little trip And Bill, I know you're working On your instrument rating Keep plugging at it, man I'm an instrument And a commercially rated fixed wing pilot So I know what you're going through Just hit that far aim, brother Take care I've never been in a helicopter I've been in a Black Hawk one time Actually, I was doing a show In Basra or something And I got a blowjob In an unsecure airfield From a female And in the middle of the night In a Black Hawk helicopter Praise God, brother Oh, there you go So yes, he's been in a helicopter So I have been in one But only with a gun You know, only when people had guns Do you keep a weapon on yours or no? On what? In your I don't know if you have a helicopter If you rent a helicopter I don't really have to answer that He knows God damn well I don't have a weapon Why are you doing this?
You don't? You don't have a gun I don't think that's obtuse really I think you might have a weapon in there with you Think about it Yeah, think about it You think about it All right Just a small gun Just a handpiece Yeah, no Okay Fine, fine, Bill That's just a fucking ridiculous question I thought I would be You bring a whozie up there When you fly as a hobby Here's another question about Bill's interest Hey, Theo Hey, Bill Hey Theo, I'm really looking forward to seeing you in a couple weeks The Rat Pack's going to see their Lord and Savior In Bethlehem, Pennsylvania Praise to God, brother Praise God I'm currently smoking a Sir Robert Peel Slobbering all over it That name's pretty pretentious, but onward Bill Yes My question to you Is in smoking these Nick Sticks It's been my experience that the group of people The subculture There's less knuckleheads Yes Is that your experience? Yes And what's your favorite cigar and or brand? Gang, gang All right Yeah, that's what it is The conversation, the people you hang with I don't think There's got to be one or two I don't think I've ever met a cigar smoker Who wasn't fucking cool And chill Chris Carter smokes them He's on a television show Yeah, a lot of athletes smoke them My favorite one right now I love those La Aurora's That come in those torpedo-like tubes And I was an Emerald guy Now I like the Sapphire The Sapphire, that is my That's my go-to I love the La Aurora cigars They've got these little ones They call them Zeppelin's They come 20 to a box Looking like a little mini, you know Can you smoke them at night When you smoke them When the morning with the earliest you'll smoke Do you have a little bit of a culture for yourself?
Well, I'm trying to lay off them So I kind of like What I try to do is Eight people individually I try to get all of us together So I just smoke once But I got a back porch I like to go out to But there's like this fucking Psycho-level mosquito out here now That if you go out there at night Like even if you've got clothes on It like fucking goes right through your clothes Oh, wow, yeah Yeah, yeah And you and the old Does your wife smoke up too sometimes or no? No, no, no, she doesn't My wife's cool as shit She's all right with it She sees me all like wind up She goes, let's go smoke a cigar Oh, wow Yeah, go do some stand-up I think you need to go do some stand-up Like she kind of like manages my I guess I bounce around the fucking house Like do you need to go out tonight? Like what's going on? I go probably And that's what I do I get in the car And I fucking put on some ACDC Fantasize that I'm in the band Yeah Singing this lyrics And then when Angus starts playing Then I'm Angus Whoever's doing the most interesting shit During this on the south and called I am As I'm fantasizing as I drive down the road And then I go down to the store And whenever I do some stand-up And then I come back And then I'm more chill But yeah, I try to Try to smoke like once every two weeks That's good Yeah, but I'm not doing that Did you like take to it right away?
Because like No You like forced yourself No, you know what happened? I was on a movie And I bought a box of cigars for everybody Because we were going on a boat The director was taking us out To go on this little boat Right around I think we were in Boston And there was just too many non-smokers there And they just bust out 10 And everybody smoking Would have been obnoxious So I kept saying to the other actors We're going to hang We're going to hang Blah, blah, blah It just didn't happen And I didn't want to throw them out And I had them And I was like Fuck And I never smoked a cigar by myself And I made the mistake Is I went out to my back porch by myself And smoked one And this just Well, when you smoke a cigar Even if you haven't done shit that day You feel like you conquered a country Because it's something It's inherently obnoxious But it's delicious And it's relaxing And I was just like I just instantly In that moment I was like I get this This is fucking amazing And it took a little while After that for it to hold But it's been pretty bad For the last five years Just keep trying And I can get addicted Did you ever do plug tobacco Did you ever do anything like that? No, I never smoked I never smoked weed Never did any of that shit Chewing tobacco? Nope, never did it I was that kid That when they came to school If I could just reach one kid I was the guy that got reached And somewhere in my late 30s I think I was just like Am I never going to know Where it feels like to be stoned So I took a hit So occasionally I do that You and the wife Will roll up a little blunt or no?
Sometimes it's a special occasion Maybe an anniversary or something? Yeah, maybe Not really though Not really Certainly not a blunt I mean we're pretty like We just fucking We hang out She's cool as shit So we sat there last At school right now She watches Real Housewives Which usually drives me nuts But there's one woman on there Who's so funny And just trashes Which season is it? I don't know what it is But she just says She was at dinner This woman was just running her Yeah She said you know what It's funny that she used The word freaking She said you're a freaking cunt They all gasp She just fucking called her a cunt I was like I like this And she just doesn't get Oh fuck her She's a dumbass She's not even hurt Some bullshit happened She goes I guarantee you She goes to the emergency room And the chick went to the emergency room And she literally went I called it I called it She sounded like my friends That watch sports So the fact that she's on there I think it's going to increase Their male viewership Because other than that It's just I can't I mean they're just screaming And yelling at each other And then even worse Then they got to work it out And they're always crying And they're so rich Well at least they try to look rich But they're also like Always trying to like Do something spiritual That can turn into self-sabotage So be careful about that Don't feel guilty about it And like there's a lot of cool people I did a private party one time For a self-made billionaire Him and his two brothers All became billionaires In three different areas And like I met the guy And like I didn't do well at the party I was doing I opened with the Michelle Obama bit And you know it was like A real liberal crowd And it was not the best way to go But he was sitting there In the middle Big smile looking around He fucking loved it And afterwards when I met him I was just like hey But he was both going like That was great Sorry about the Obama thing Kind of started off bad And he just goes He was like I think it was cool I mean I like the stuff he was saying I think he was saying a lot of stuff That he used to be heard And he just was the coolest guy ever And then I was asking him Where he was from And it turned out You know I had great great great Grandfathers that grew up In the same area And it just ended up being really cool And so you do meet like a lot It's like when people say That LA is just a bunch of Phony plastic people And then you come out here And there's a lot of really fucking There's a lot of really plastic Phony people But there's also all these Really cool people So it just depends on How you look at it Yeah Yeah maybe my perspective sometimes I think I can watch it Because you want me to watch it But I'll watch it maybe Because maybe I did miss something You know I just at a certain point I'm just like My favorite part of it was That Brad Pitt had a little bit Of like a hitch in his walk A little bit If you notice that What about Leo With the speech impediment That only happened off I love how you just dismissed that Yeah oh my god That's amazing That's what's amazing about When somebody makes something Like people's reaction Like oh my god This is the greatest thing ever Somebody else Hey I fucking walked out I get nervous The whole movie theater Was listening to my inner thoughts They care They care this much about me I don't think they care I fucking care In my head I care too much to show you my truck so we can bond on something we can agree we missed the mark on Mary Tyler Moore you brought up Family Man have you seen that movie I've seen Family Guy what about The Nice Guys you gotta see that you gotta see that that's a funny one oh what's a nice guy no I don't know I think you're looking down you got your jaw out it's a great confrontation I'm feeling like you're not liking my suggestions you're just like you like the Mary this guy's dead to me just to let you know I can't hear your inner thoughts don't get all fucking weirded out that's so crazy I feel like you're in my head man I really do a lot of people ask this question and Mike UG on Patreon asks are you gonna get another dog once your daughter's older yes and what a lot of people don't know is my dog is still my dog someone else watches her for me and that's a very convoluted contract had to be drawn up because I'm still liable if the thing does something I think I don't know but like I'm still taking care of that dog she's gonna be in town soon I still miss her I love hanging out with her but I'm not gonna lie when I brought her around the house I had her on the leash just because I was feeling guilty that I got rid of her gave her to somebody else when she saw my daughter she was cool but I didn't let her anywhere near her but then we sat her down on the bed where she used to be and she sort of glanced and I saw her ears go up and get fixated normally I give her a tug just to kind of make her look at something else I'm gonna see what she does and she looked at my cute little baby and just went I'm like alright that's why you don't live here and I haven't had guilt about it ever since I still miss that dog tremendously but as my trainer said this is one of these dogs nature said no to people said yes to because even with his crazy skill set like it took her a year just to have the dog get used to all the other dogs that it was living with now and to become friends with one of them sort of and he still has to watch because I think about my dog was like when she decided that she was going for it she usually didn't do that she would just look make the decision and then just go so there was no warning and my trainer was going this is a top level predator so I was just like alright I'm a baby I can't fucking do this like a shark yeah dude and she's like oh yeah yeah yeah no she comes once every like six weeks you know the guy who comes into LA nice guy yeah yeah it's a trainer so that's why I feel safe with the arrangement so he brings her in and then I take her for walks we have a great time and all of that stuff and you know she's getting older she's definitely since we let her go she's kind of slowed down a little bit but she's defied the laws of like a thousand times like a dog like that especially as a pit bull would be put down and you know somebody had her for a year just let her go we got her we had her for 2009 to the end of 2016 so we had about eight and a half years damn my math is wrong I think there yeah eight and a half years and then he's had her for like the last basically all of my daughter's life we gave her away like a year before my daughter was born so did your daughter know about the dog? no no no no yeah I mean I'll tell her about her something the dog was crazy the dog was like a bouncer you got grandfathered in you were cool and then once you get after that I was like no who the fuck is this this person needs to be terminated did you ever you ever donate a sperm or anything like that when you were coming up as a comedian?
nope and I don't have a gun in my helicopter but I want to thank you for having me and help me promote my special I just have to get home because my kid's getting up from the nap and it's my watch and I love everything that you're doing I'm so happy for you you're doing it just expand don't be afraid to get in business with people get a good lawyer alright thanks Bill thank you shine a light on me I'll send them tell you my stories shine on me and I'll be able to find a song I will sing it just to go now I've been moving way too fast on a runaway train with a heavy lift about it ladies and gentlemen I'm Jonathan Kite and welcome to Kite Club a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer may shock you sometimes I'll interview my friends sometimes I won't and as always I'll be joined by the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are talking about Kite Club I've been talking about Kite Club for so long longer than anybody else so great hi so yeah he's a deal anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker Charmaine I think Tom Hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule the Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club second rule the Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club third rule like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube and yes don't worry my Brad Pitt impression will get better