Like we haven't lived until you've pumped fake the bull. Yeah, but they go for the first step like nothing like you're basically Allen Ivesant to every every bull that's ever existed. I swear to God shut up. I'll kill you all Funny that you've tangled successfully with so many fierce animals and yet you've met your match on these tiny little dogs I'm gonna assume that this show is actually started and therefore going to introduce our guest over the den of dogs They're socking.
Thank you so much for coming by to visit us. Thanks for having me feels weird that you're talking I don't have headphones. I can hear you, but I can't hear you. I know what I mean.
Yeah, your voice is your real voice is not even real to me I'm not sexy anymore. I was crazy. I'm pretty sick. How am I supposed to fall in love with every single thing?
I'm just working. Thank you. Now you are hitting on me. Right.
Um, you like crying in meetings Are you are you sober? You mean an corporate setting? Oh, I'm not sober, but um, you do crying meetings. Yeah, well I have another 12 step program.
Oh, yeah, say no more. Yeah, I saw a website. I believe it's literally just Cry once a week because yes, weird. Yeah, those are hard to make a me Because there is a lot of evidence and research that suggests it's not only healthy to yeah to cry with some frequency It's abnormal.
It's not we've like gotten that out of our system like our primitive ancestors were more comfortable with crying And it was part of their emotional plumbing in a way that we've tried to rid ourselves from so this way tough guys It just literally has clips from sad movies You know why they you know why tough guys need to cry because there's so there like girls hate them because they can't live with them Because they're always holding it in and they're like super tough and they kind of get connected to their emotions Which means they can't be emotionally understanding to their to their partners and that's why not all the Partners are just like I can't deal with this. Well apparently emotions only really take 90 seconds to process Which is why when you see like a toddler and they just scream and have a tantrum and it's over with after and then just eating Yeah, you know no way I'm still bummed out about stuff from like when I was a kid. She had a cry. Yeah, you gotta cry I got a move the energy issues like it's like it's not cry sometimes and then there's like because now I don't care like I'm sober I really like it like anything that's happened to me in the last year there and then it's crying where it's like I'm seriously crying.
I'm worried that I'm crying like that because I never cried like that before no You shouldn't worry though. It's just just because it's new it's unfamiliar Okay, yeah, cuz I didn't go crazy But I was like if I keep crying like this am I gonna be like psychotic no But I feel like the fear of it is worse than what it is and it's like if you give meaning to the crying Then that's when you then it's bad But if you if you just let it be crying and no big deal, it's natural. Hey, I'm doing a podcast shut up Sorry, but what kind of done five dogs and a cat and a dragon. Oh, you have a herd Yeah, I'm interested in all of them except for the dragon.
It's just a bearded dragon He's pretty casual justice bearded dragon. I don't know what a big dragon is it sounds really scary though He's not scary he looks because he's prickly and stuff and he has like a leather face So it's like hard to see any emotion from him kind of like snakes. It's a reptile bearded dragon. Yeah, yeah, I don't flip reptiles I'm more of an amphibian girl.
Oh, amphibian. What's an amphibian a frog right like a like a gecko It's an amphibian really which is a lizard a gecko's okay, right? Well, this is a poke. It's a prickly it's a prickly gecko Are you actually familiar with geckos work?
They're not like the ones in the insurance commercial Pretty similar to the one in the commercial. Okay granted. They don't talk about insurance. Thank God They're louder and more annoying than the one in the commercial.
I've been to islands and stuff where they're on the wall Yeah, and at first I was like just a lizard in the water and stuff. No, okay Oh, I'm not in the room. No, I'm not cool. Is it out that kid?
No I go on in the in the room. He needs to get out before I go to bed. Yeah, go No worries, but still at first I had to make an adjustment because I was like that is a lizard on the wall I don't trust that lizard which is weird because what could the lizard really do if you're even if it was like It was an evil lizard and it actually worked for gecko and was like I'm gonna kill Jason any sleep. Yeah, could you?
Yeah, I do like how you went straight to worst case scenario. That is good, but also I mean even if it don't kill you it's just don't want him on me Okay, so that's because okay, let's boil it down because that's what I'm saying when it gets on you. Yeah, what can it do? Just walk along my body without my permission.
Okay, now you're making it like it's having sexual advances on you And I don't think I'd be fine if I invited it on to my arm, you know, but on without me knowing it's gonna happen, right? In the kitchen I'm gonna kill them and I can strike a middle ground between what the two of you are saying because Jason you go to the worst case scenario of it can't She's going pretty bad, too She's gonna try to get her I know that a push comes to show I can kill it before it kills me. Yeah, I see your point I understand it you don't want it's actually a calming thing people do like oh, what is the worst case to know? I'd be fine, right?
Yeah, once you figure out yeah, I can't kill it. It can't kill me. Yeah, then it could be on me Yeah, I had a really crazy encounter when I was a little kid I used to like get scared at night and I go my mommy's room is my mom's divorce or whatever So whatever would only happen to my mom's I couldn't I wouldn't go into my dad's bedroom I kind of know why now but I never would when I was a kid but when I was at my mom's house I would go in and one night I went in and I went to sleep next door and I woke up in the morning And there was a huntsman on my chest and a huntsman is it looks like a tarantula, but it's everyone in the straight I'm like they're not poisonous, so it's nothing worry about but when you're like eight and it's that's it's just shocking too Yeah, so it was on my chest and I woke up I was looking at it It was looking to me and I was too scared to move or say anything So I would probably realistically was probably about two minutes, but to me it was like hours That's a horror movie. Yeah, well, I was looking at it was looking to me and I was like oh And then finally my mom woke up and flicked it off and it I got a rack of phobia from it I went to yeah, and then I got cured later on when I moved to America.
I had some friends that pretty much That's what I saw that's what I was looking at me. Yeah, that was knuckle So then I had some friends who were like Phil I lived in a house of skateboarders and they figured out that I didn't like spiders Cuz one like ran near me and I freaked out now like check out a string guy flinches with spiders So then they would put him on me all the time and put him in my bag put it like beetles Like they just put insects on me all the time to the point where I got so sick of it Exposed yourself flinching that I was like, you know what who cares and then in a roundabout way It kind of cured me and then one day I leave the house and one drops out of the door I'm like whoa and I'm like what the hell and it was in America So it wasn't it could have been poisonous I don't know what it was then I get in my car and I had like an old beat up truck and When I was driving a car one fell out of the windshield in front of me almost made me crash the car I get out of car like ah ah freak it out and then when I go back to the house another one daggles down So three spiders in one day live ones and I was like, okay, I took a personal And I was like right obviously you guys have like a some sort of personal vendetta against me and that's when I add it up I was like how big are you and how big am I? Next time you do that it's on like I'm not flinching and I'm gonna kill you and if you have a parent or anybody I'm gonna kill you and you need to send that message to the rest of them that it is on you mess with Jason Jason kills your whole family and then after I killed several spiders they didn't kill me Well, it was like spiritual warfare spiritual. Yeah, what's it three in one day?
I feel like that is a sign That's that's bizarre three in one day appearing from above the one in the car was particularly bad because I had to like stay in the car Until I pulled over and it was like yeah, I mean I was like oh, oh trying to stop the car And then not have it get on me and then has this one when I was older And I used to smoke weed all the time I go back to Australia and nobody in Australia was a pro skateboarder Only I was so when I go back to straight hang on my friends they had jobs So I didn't want to I would just hang out at their house and smoke weed until they come home because I was I got a Straight was so boring but at one point I was sitting watching TV and I was like real bad TV Two because before cable so just this dude Bert Newton Bert Newton on three different TV shows like now He's the entertainment now is the weather guy now And I'm like oh my god. Hey, but noon and I'm sitting there with the bong and I'm watching the but Newton for the 17th time today And I see I sit on my legs over like this and I see legs on the inside of my thigh And I look at the TV and I see my peripherals and I'm like nah and I look down and I'm like you gotta be joking Like this size like coming up the inside my thigh and I was like I don't have any and I just went I got I gotta put hands on it. I gotta put it hand on it So I think like a it's quick as you can grab and throw like And then I ran out of the house and put my shirt off and put my pants off and then I was out the front of the house With no pants on and there was a neighbor that was hosing his garden and he was looking at me like what's wrong with you? I was pretty embarrassed Believe me because I look like I mean like I started bar salts, you know So it's like you were telling the truth, so I know but you know when you you don't because you look normal This is the problem when you look like me and you have a reaction to stuff.
You're like I look at the spider They're like sure boss. Let's go. Yeah, you know and I'm like probably you know fair enough. Have you had any wild animal encounters?
Well, it's I actually just saw a Tarantula in front of my parents house the other day a wild one Yeah, wild one and I hadn't seen one in here. Maybe since I was a kid my parents live in kind of like a rural Where's this like British County? No? Yeah Yeah, yeah, and that was pretty crazy.
I was really gross out those Don't cuss they're really hairy. We're very big. It was on their porch. Yeah, Rachel is our poisonous right?
I'm like to believe you know, I didn't know that. I didn't know that the whole that's our whole shit Wait a minute. What was the one that I let bite me on the show when we're on satellite radio? That was a trancially maybe they could take the poison sacks out because they'll like let kids I was gonna say associate them at like with like kids parties and I never thought they were poisonous now I know this one Oh rare occurrence, so it's rare because I get this we had a show where if you did something bad Then you have to pet a predator It was like a box with like an angry like lizard or a snake Yeah, but this is when we're on satellite radio and we had like a budget and stuff We're way more significant and at the time at the time We had like people would come in because millions of people listening so we had like a pet guy that had like crazy pets And he had a tarantula that when I put my hand near the glass in there He was like he'd be like oh and get ready and you knew like if your hand touches the ground in there He runs over and bites you straight up guaranteed and I remember like the fear of it's more of him cocked and ready to go Because it's like a big hairy guy same of the snake because one time I got bit by a foot out of Honda No, you didn't yeah, yeah, what why how because okay?
I'll try to do it fast, but so I had a friend there a guy called in a South African crazy guy Donald shelters His name and he slept with like he was just like in a glass house in the mall for like four days with all poisonous snakes And I was like what a crazy guy and I was like let me come in and all you know I'm from South Africa and all coming in all of the snakes and I was like yeah Bring your snakes in and he pulled one out of like just a normal sized snake He pulled out a pillowcase and put it over the counter and I was like oh and I grew up like around poisonous Next but I would never mess with I was never like let's kick the snake I was like always pretty like respectable respectful. I was like that's a snake I'm not gonna mess with that, you know So then he put this one over the table in front of me and I froze and then everybody that like Jason's from Australia Like he's super scared of snakes and I was like I think I realized that I'm also very scared of snakes And I was desperate for attention I really wanted the show to get ratings and I was like if I called him that night and I go Hey, man Do you have like a really big snake that would actually bite me and he's like oh yeah And I was like bring it in and I'll let it bite me and he brought in an eighth banana Conda and there was three guys holding him and they were like this guy is angry like as soon as you put your hand out near him He's gonna attack so for the radio wasn't even on video. I think I didn't film it but nobody was just before you two kid I'll be off it anyway, but I remember they're all holding him and I put my hand out like that like my arm Like that and he goes and does the coil thing like he's gonna shoot and snap again cartoons Yeah, and I was like I can't believe cuz I just remember thinking I just want to be famous You know, I was desperate. I need attention.
I mean like I didn't get attention when I was a kid or something And I was like I'm and I'm okay with like pain and I've placed my fears if I have to and I was really terrified But I was like this will be you're not sure I can remember thinking there's no way you're gonna change a channel until this guy bites me So I remember like being super terrified and then what he jumps on and when he wrapped on I was like oh Fear of the snake biting me was way worse than the actual pain of the teeth on my arm But then he started to grab this part of my arm and started trying to rip The bit that he was biting onto and then that's when the other two guys like unraveled him off me But then I had like he's teeth bits of his teeth broke in my hand and I had this cool infection Like shoe horn of like worry bit me and like these weird little like what it wasn't poisonous, right? No, no, that's horrible But then that guy became my friend and the guy and the snake and then the snake bit me on the back of the neck once Why I held somebody doesn't matter but and then another time for ESPN magazine I went in a pool with him and had to hold him under water. Yeah, no Scream and there was a scream issue so I just scream while I was holding the snake and then after that he bit me Hey, everybody it's Jason Ellis of the Jason Ellis show. Do you like food?
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I want to do it I just wanted attention. Oh my god. I'm so afraid of snakes if there's a spider I'll be like the man and go get it. Yeah, like hand on you.
No, I'll get a paper towel I'm not I don't need to be a hero grab it. Yeah, what about you see those little eating bitty snakes in the airplane? Would you grab that snakes in the airplane? Recently not like in the movie like I didn't watch that movie on purpose No, I was in like Malaysia or something somewhere close to there.
It's like a worm Okay, the fly the tent is like trying to scoop it into a bag. Yeah, oh, yeah I guess you got to do it in that situation because you don't know where we'll go and it could find space But when I see snakes hiking in LA, I hate it you hate it. Yeah, you don't hit it Run I Orange County are you from tarantula killing rattlesnakes with your bare hands Say Is where I go say come any so so Ryan shekler's well, yeah, sort of but From I go up in Toronto, but there's like a lot of brush around us like a lot of animals a lot of Yeah, snakes and stuff. Do you have a farm or get horses?
No, I'm horses. Just like no, but it's just like me They're like do you like a big backyard or mediocre backyard medium. It's a good backyard. Yeah Well, there would be like there's still coyotes all the time.
It's like spiders. Oh, yeah, we got coyotes here. Yeah, there's coyotes Dude I used to live right under the Hollywood sign Yeah, like when the Sun went down seeing them was like a little because like the way that their light their eyes light up You know if you if you apply a flashlight on them or whatever But even worse is if you're inside your house and they just as a pack slowly down the hill and they collectively make that like weird creepy noise Yeah, they are little though. They're pretty small.
Yeah, I had a bug coyotes ate it That's not a bunch of cats get eaten. It was really sad. I was really drunk And I was on tour my girlfriend called me and said a pug Grimey that was my pug's name grimy and I was like what's a coyote? And then somebody that was standing there was like well, you don't know what a coyote is and I'm like well No, I don't know like yeah, man.
They're everywhere and I'm like they are alive and apparently ran away with him Oh, that's so sad. Yeah, yeah, that happens a lot. It's really sad I was gonna I wanted to kill coyotes This is like a thing that I've learned from shark hunters when I found out that a coyote killed my pug I was friends with red dragons and they had a skate shop And then we offered like if you bring in a dead coyote will give you skate stuff You know me so I was like kill all the coyotes in San Diego Uh-huh and then I met a guy this is an actual offer that you made to the general public. I can I don't wish to To elaborate, but yeah, maybe the Limitations is up.
It is sort of I mean like payback, you know, I mean even in LA like I live by Griffith Park And I seen coyotes not in the park like nearby where I'm like, oh, they cross like a pretty busy street Yeah, I've heard I'm here and palin and stuff around here Yeah, there's signs for coyotes outside of my daughter's school in Culver City Yeah, they're taking over and then you hear about the birds take little dogs Yeah, sometimes too. I saw a video of a wild eagle carrying a full-size deer the other day You didn't? I couldn't believe it! But still pretty badass.
Yeah, but it was wild. I was like I don't know they could do that When I take my be the dragon out in the backyard he gets a little paranoid I'm like that's pretty that's rightfully sorry. Yeah, like somebody could probably fly away with you Oh, yeah, it's like that he always looks up when birds fly over him because he's gonna talk at all Oh, yeah, that's a bad outcome for a deer But how many good outcomes are there for deer? I just mean what about just being in the past with your buddies?
How about that for a good idea? They get shot they get that They don't all get shots of anything berries and stuff They like they bone in like take boobies and like go to sleep on the trees and stuff I just did not know like what was the graph? Oh, there's their graph. I'm like, how do what was the process of oh look how cute that freakin Dear is you son of a bitch.
What is that? Looks giant there that would actually looks way bigger than the deer It's like like legier than I expected them to be is that just the feathers? Those are me your legs, and I thought to me they do that to a lot of guys whoa These are kind of stupid. I got one if I was a deer and you were an eagle I would you would not get me same with me I asked what he's saying on the ground.
I know comic-causing you're not getting your animals don't know pump fakes. Yeah, cuz I ever dodged a bull I mean if you boxed up air if you don't know Leave until you pump fake the bull. Yeah, but they go for the first step like nothing like you're basically alan Iverson to every every bull that's ever existed I swear to God shut up. I'll kill you all Funny that you've tangled successfully with so many fierce animals and yet you've met your match on these tiny little dogs.
Have I? They shut up. Yeah, one time a couple times actually I'm comfortable But I seen it on TV where you go this way and then you go the other way and they just go for the first step But then one time I was doing this TV show, you know, Sam triply. Yeah, I know Sam and myself and this other real fighter guy kick-o we got picked for this really dumb TV show I was like we're not gonna this is not gonna be a TV show.
It was so super we shot the pilot I was like this is the dumbest thing ever and they're like you got 13 episodes and I was like really so dumb And then they go this today. We're gonna play football with baby bulls And I was like, oh baby bulls cool And then I get out of the RV and I walk stop walking towards the like the caged area And there's this bull to me look like a bull baby my ass and it's like and I'm like I don't see no fence And it's like a hundred feet away and it's like walking towards me and I'm like Look around like anybody know about this. That's a bull is a fence and then he sees me and starts picking up speed and I'm like Nah, cuz I just got out of the car. There's no way like yeah organized TV show and I'm like there's no fence and then he gets closer and closer and Okay, yeah, this is for sure a bull He's rambling me and then when he got close I took a step that way and he goes for it I went the other way like boom went past me I was like shoot this yeah And then they were like that guy got us he escaped that was he could have mold you because then when we film the show Then they put like this leather padding on their horns the deck I had no padding Yeah, I could have been gored it would have been cool when I think about it because I didn't make any money from that TV show But if I had got gored from that bull I would have right dude You could have put spike out of business like six months sooner I was gonna say you would have had to assign a pretty good waiver if no one if they just let the the bull Run for you.
It was pretty jank. It was like a really I mean they hide us. Yeah, they were pretty stupid from the get-go. Yeah So have you always sounded like that?
Sorry, you know, it's funny is like I'm a little sister of older brothers and I had been made fun of I mean for I'm not making fun of it No, no for everything there ever was and no one had ever said anything about my voice ever Do your brothers or relatives have it? No No, nothing until I started comedy did anyone even like say that I had a weird voice I didn't say it was weird. I just well different. He said something.
Yeah, it is I didn't notice I genuinely had no idea to I started comedy. Can you sing? No, you should I can sing like I can Melody and rhythm, but I don't have any Like the only thing I can sing is like Blondie, you know, but that means you can sing everything You just like Blondie. No, I can't like I've tried to sing other things and I just don't have the power in my voice Like my voice is so brittle.
Yeah, it's like Rod Stewart, but like a girl. Maybe I don't know What's Rod Stewart? Have I told you? Is that how he sounds?
I imagine if you sing that you would I would love if I was an amazing singer I would put comedy in a second. I would look I wish for that I would you know what a relief it would be to be sincere. It would be incredible I would love to be a singer Uh just like sincerely singing instead of being a comedian, you know, you could do both Well, yeah, I mean The singers are always like, you know doing their little jokes in between but yeah Yeah, well, that would be you'd be exceptionally funny in between songs. Yeah, that's true Now I just need to learn how to sing you could Rod Stewart with jokes.
You can stop You know Rod Stewart with humor? Wow. Yeah, wear those shorts. I guess I wouldn't do the same thing.
Yeah Remember Harry had those shorts. Oh, I'm a soccer player. So I used to wear like Short shorts, okay, and I think it was like oh right now that ain't it. He's the way that ain't it He's the wang out hard.
That's not even it. Yeah, that's pretty bad That's just that's just a day the beach for Rod Stewart. I met him once you did why where got a toy store? Oh, where?
Beverly Hills. We were at the toy store. I see rich I was like on satellite radio And I was at the Beverly Hills toy store buying rich kids toys for my kids and Rod Stewart was there being rich too And I was like son of a bitch. He said yeah, I was like well, you're awesome If I see a famous person, I never say anything yeah, but it's certain people see this is Rod Stewart my stepmom took a photo with Rod Stewart But she didn't even take a photo with him my dad took a photo of Rod Stewart with my stepmom in the background And I remember like the photo being on the wall.
Yeah, I was like wait I didn't just say Rod baby. Can I take a photo like yeah? You just did a sniper photo which made me realize how much she must have looked up to Rod Stewart And she never this is not her fault, but I don't think she really respect I was a Turd of a child, you know and for me to say hello to Rod Stewart and then tell her that I met Rod Stewart I don't know it was to me. That was the main reason that I went over to it.
Oh, yeah Because I was like I'm gonna tell my stepmom that I should cancel it. Yeah, what's she happy? That generation it's so hard. It's like if you just tell them like oh, you know, I'm up for the Nobel prize Oh, really?
The plants are coming in good this year. They don't even mean it. You know, they're not even trying to shine you Just why it hurt so much. She did say I was cool because I'm friends with pink and then pink I got tickets for my stepmom and my brother We they lost my little half brother her son died and I got she picked tickets to pink and pink on VIP passes and then pink Spoke to my stepmom backstage like hard to oh that's so sweet.
That that I believe that one made me cool. I believe that one where she was like, okay, jeez That's so sweet. I like hearing stories about um, sorry, it's being nice. She's pink is I don't want to say a real name But whatever she's the I don't know I do know a lot of famous people she is by far the most real deal I mean, I've never met a band of holy field because he's the real deal But I assume that pink is realer than the real deal of and holy field I remember when his ear got bitten off.
I was watching that well. Don't you think yeah, because I would have snapped dude I mean he did snap a little bit But I would have been like when the little the little ref was like, okay, keep going I'm like, you're right keep going like I'm first sucking kick to the balls and then repeated knees to the head Like this is no longer a boxing match. He ate me Can't eat me and then I'm gonna be cool. Yeah, that was wild.
Yeah, that was a fight. A fight? No, no one time my brother This guy grabbed my butt and my brother fought five guys At once and I turned around and looked like I didn't even know what was happening And then I went and I like got a running start and I like pushed a guy and then my brother got so mad at me and yelled at me He's like you never get in the middle of a fight, you know, so he's a really good brother He is but I mean a fight was very unnecessary, but he did quite well He just ended your own up. Yes, but it really was a good deal.
He did what? Yeah hardcore Like they're like piled on top of each other like in a cartoon or no, it was like five guys in like a circle like yeah Punch them on the face. Yeah, but my brother is hardcore, but we were young also Yeah, I respect that many many many many years ago. You were in sports.
I was yeah What kind of sports were you in? Well, my main sport I pay volleyball I pay volleyball my whole life and then in college at UCLA I had to be told to play that yeah that told me that all so we were like a go get any fast Yeah, and I could really jump high what happened I used to have a 28 inch vertical I was I don't know. It's just like naturally worked really hard, but I don't play volleyball anymore I'm going to kill you something like you can't jump like that no more no I mean I still work out a lot. I'm sure if I really trained hard I could jump but I'm not doing anything that requires me to jump I'm not very good at basketball.
I didn't like I'm from Australia Who you think could jump and touch a higher spot on the wall? He's got a few inches on you, but I'm sure him I don't think I'm a 28 inch vertical. I don't yeah, I don't know what it would be now Who knows it'd be more it'd be fair if it was who is the highest off the ground lowest part of the body? Yeah straight legs.
Yes. You know me just pure vertical Yeah, I don't know I played everything I always wanted to play football when I was kid football Yeah, you want smash cheeks? No, I just played flag. I played with the boys like in school and I served I played tennis.
I did a bunch of different things. You ever get barreled? I long boarded but a little yeah I mean like I would I was I was really young when I was surfing so I would get into like 10 11 12 yeah, so then I was also pretty afraid of big waves did you serve? No, I just started recently I'm really bad Oh really?
I knew that with my background I would have to say that I'm the worst surfer I've ever seen Well, I bet you could if you really wanted to I bet you could pick it up really quick It's paddling yeah that I don't do yeah well like once I'm in the wave I can use my skateboard ability to like balance and yeah But it's reading when the waves gonna go where to be and all that paddling stuff I went to a to kelly slaters wave and I got tired paddling over to the wave there Yeah, and they they tell you over to it. Yeah, I'm pumped one time so I tried to paddle over by myself I know the paddling is gnarly it makes it sometimes you're just like, oh, this isn't worth it. I'm just like this Or when you paddle out, it's like that was emotional and then it's like oh he comes to sit and I'm like ready for that I need like 20 minutes to recover from that armpit pump. Yeah, I don't really serve anymore.
I don't at all Yeah, it's a young man's game. No, I reckon it's an all I reckon it's one of the best Old like you got if you put in enough rent It's kind of like golf if you put in enough rent at the start then even your old like the crepit ass can still get barreled Because I've seen old guys ripping waves because they know there's the other thing I've seen a fat old guy we paddling next to each other and I'm like Is it got an engine in these boys? Because there's a technique. Yeah, I'm I'm mean like splashing around like an engine total and I can't get anywhere And some dudes are just like oh and then they're just on the way some dudes don't even battle They just like do something with their nose and then they just get up and I'm like what the I want to learn that Yeah, I skateboarding like I can skate now in my fifties, but it's because I paid my dues when I was yeah Yeah, I just don't want to I don't want to do it and now I live on the side like I don't want to Oh, I'll drive that long.
I don't know what to be freezing, you know And if I'm not doing it a lot then you're like shitty when you go yeah instead when you're going a lot and it's fun You know sucking yeah that I was already good at it. It's like and then even if they don't know that I know that I know Yeah, I know that I used to shred and that's like people You know, I remember I was first I was skating again. I do like a couple of grinds and somebody be like yeah, Ellis And I'd almost be like shut up. Yeah, I used to shut up.
Yeah, I used to shut this was nothing back You compliment me on that piece of crap Ryan that I just did yeah, it's not cool. You get a shock Uh, yes, I mean, it's not like something I think about really that I've worried about but if I thought if I thought someone was buying me I would lose my shit, but it's like you were in the water and someone said shark and you saw the fin What would you do? Well, I know what you know, you're not supposed to like turn and kick really hard I like you but but what but do you know? I'm not sure if I would be able to be still you're being so honest right now What would you do would you not would you go swim away or would you face it?
I face it because you have to punch them. That's what's up brother I mean, well, I don't you have two choices. I probably have if I didn't die the heart attack first I love you. I'm gonna stick you gotta put that in there because it is an option yeah I have a heart attack or swim away and give him your toes.
He's gonna eat your legs man Everybody knows that's what he's gonna do you're giving him a leg dinner Yeah, or you come in head first because this is the way I say man if you eat my legs I don't want to I don't want to be freaking lieutenant Dan I'd rather I'd rather you eat my head and I die. Yeah, but I like running bro No offense to people with no legs You know what I probably would be okay with no legs because I would have those razor blade legs And then I would be in the special Olympics and I would win a medal I got to be in the real Olympics. No, you don't land the real Olympics the guy with the razor fake one that killed his wife He just got out actually he did he did do it though, right? Well, he definitely did it the question is whether or not He did it on purpose.
I didn't follow that at all because it didn't even seem worth the time of trying to see his point of view Like have you ever slept in bed with somebody and then in the middle of the night you wake up and they're not there But it could be a burglar maybe they've already killed the person who's next to me and now they're robbing my tooth Oh sure. I just fire off a couple of ya. That's where I stashed the money in the tooth face hole Yeah, if I uh, well you said you're sober if I ever get like a little high and I'm before bed Also, I didn't I my brain for some reason has no ability to know when sounds are not threatening Like those same basic sounds that I was hearing an hour before I got high or now So I'm like, oh, that's definitely some grizzly bear about to kill me or something just completely irrational I mean it makes sense after all the other things Maybe on purpose story as an emergency remember he was just You wanna see something really scary? What show him the fire boy?
So I saw an article today where there's this kid he got caught you got on fire when he was six and they burned his face He's like old melted like Freddy Krueger. It's kerosene. Oh, yeah, but guess what now he's a firefighter and that Is creepy as hell but it's all don't even try and tell me that that guy is not a guy that sets fire to cats and dogs and people When you're not looking that dude was innocent boy who got like oh, yeah, he's innocent He poured gat kerosene all over himself and sent himself on fire because he loves the flames and now he's just so happens to be a firefighter Yeah, right dude. He lives in the fire.
He lives for the fire. He loves the fire I love stories like this where someone turn like uses some tragedy for some amazing purpose I think that's badass. Wait, you think that he's he really is fighting fire? Is he how old is he?
Is he like a grown man? Yeah, I think he's in his 20s now 29 29. He doesn't look a day over So cool that photo. I mean if you're coming to save me, I don't know man.
Maybe just let me flame up I want to save me. Well, what would you rather that guy coming towards you or a shark? This guy yeah, yeah, I mean if you're in the innocence in this guy's eyes because I see his hell Yeah, he's bringing the rat. Yeah, when you ain't looking he sets fire to people If you're in a fire, you at least know this guy knows what he's talking about.
Yeah, and me right good point But it's like does he like watching people be burnt? There is Sorry, I don't trust him. There is some correlation. Am I a bad guy?
Maybe yeah, probably there's about facing your fear That's the most badass thing I've ever seen there are arsonist firefighters like that there are arsonist firefighters, right? That's what I'm saying. It's both from time. Yeah, it's like cops too.
Yeah, everybody knows in line between the criminals and the right I never actually heard a lot of that that I writers do the same thing as cops. I'm like a corro I've never thought about You never saw blowback draft back draft back draft. No, you never saw a blowback draft. No, dude black back draft Yeah, one of the guys is a pyro And he loves watching things but you know how to make things but he knows how to make a blowback That's why the movies call blowback.
Oh, okay back draft Because he knows how to make a back draft. Uh-huh. He is he is a pyro. There we go.
Firefighter arson is a persistent phenomenon involving a very small minority of course of firefighters who are also active arsonists roughly 100 US firefighters are convicted of arson convicted Oh, and you know those guys look out in all Every year a hundred firefighters get convicted. I've never thought about that before corrupt firefighters I see a lot of them on hinge the firefighters. Wait, you better go on hinge. No, I see a lot of firefighters on hinge.
You're on hinge. Yeah, yeah I don't want to go on a ride. Those are the guys I'm trying to stay away from What's wrong with right guys? They like I want to let me on They have spray tans.
Oh, that's why they want My ex wife signed up to Ryan. It won't ever accept me I think maybe because she like probably put some stuff in there that was like I don't want to date a celebrity That's why oh or like someone in my industry or something. I never got to go on there So I don't know what it's like you're not missing anything. I was on there for like promise.
I promise sounds cool Now also any commies on there at one point. I really want to date her. Yeah. Oh, really?
Why don't you just message her? I know where she doesn't date me. Oh, okay. I look like a like a bus salt sky.
Oh, well, maybe you're selling just a couple That's so funny. I might have got a couple too Like a bebert tattoo guy But wait, then she's broken my heart several times. Oh, really? You love her?
A little bit. Oh, that's nice. Wait, so because all my guy friends meet their girlfriends or girls on instagram But I don't uh They're only guys in mine have private profiles and so I can't see anything about them and so I'm just private I don't know probably they're probably have a normal job. If I didn't know if I wasn't a comedian I wouldn't even have instagram at all Right.
Why because I just want to live life without it like I'd want my brain to go back to seventh grade Do your smart person. I would just like that. I would really love that to not be on my phone ever Yeah, I don't enjoy posting either, you know, not even when you make a funny bit Not really. It's more like I like just doing it in person So like I don't like the internet aspect of it I just hired someone to do this for me because I need to do it Oh, wow Yeah, to like post for me and like cut up clips and stuff I guess I'm cutting up clips.
There's no way I'm capable of doing that or posting it though I'm just like you know what? What about if it does well? Does that feel good? It feels fine, I guess because it's like I did create it in the work and stuff But I still I just don't like the idea of like being online.
I'm like I want to live in real life Hey, yeah, yeah, I don't I can't relate. I just want to live in social and it feels like crack like too on there I'm like, why am I checking this? I don't what is this? This is fake.
This isn't real life Well, sometimes there's like cute kittens and stuff like I just discovered these weird kids that have real big ears and Red fur and I guess they're Russian. Yeah, I don't really like Russian stuff because I don't trust like Russia Because of like politics or anything. I just don't yeah, I got some Russian friends in there So they're so heavy you know because they like grew up in some weird. Oh, yeah I'm just like you guys would like rob me if there wasn't any police around You guys would foot stomp me if I like we got a fight I fell over you would foot stomp me and foot stomping people are bad people Your friends though.
Yeah, but it's a gym friends. Okay, Jim friends fighter friends are different. Yeah, I do like the animals on there I like I like the babies. I like the cooking videos.
I love babies. These are like unsolicited dick pics I hope I get I want to get some hideous blob and so is your penis Well, like people send me stuff like people go go. I think it's really like Inspirational that you're talking about being bisexual. I go.
Oh, thanks, man, and then anus and I'm like dude Really like I thought I was inspirational. Oh, you don't want to see a butthole. No, okay more than ever now Do you know all your penis what do you want to see a butthole? Oh?
No, no, yeah, but I Baby's right because babies is the same thing as a baby. Yeah, yes, it's exactly the same as your butthole Like unless you got a real cute baby, but that's pretty rare most of your babies are like Paris Hilton babies with your weird ass Oh my god, I got so much see it flexing on that baby. No, I hated the internet. I was like I like that baby I like that baby.
I think it's a beautiful child of God. Beautiful. Yes. Okay.
God is pretty mean for making that head that big I love him. I think he's adorable and I saw that whole internet going on him I was like see that turns me into like one of you a vigilante where I was like I want to go to these people these people Well for the record, I didn't make a comment dang. What's up with your baby? Well, that's good.
I would say anything. I would do that. Thank you for doing thank you. I don't jump on the social media to bash people I'm just saying my brand go tang like that kid's head.
Yeah, I don't necessarily believe that you really like her kids head Yeah, it's afraid that if he thinks about you very hard your head will explode. No, I think he's so cute I think he's so cute. What's so cute about him? I just think he's adorable.
Yeah, I like it. I like his big ass head. I think I'm so cute I got a bald cat and he has little arms and he's adorable Yeah, if you go like I remember one time I had a dog like a French bulldog a long time ago You know you didn't breathe very good and stuff and he was like super smush-dien guy and I had these guys come over to renovate my bathroom And one of the guys he was like a you know me dudes dude and he was like oh that your dog and I was like yeah So I don't think you face a mother could love a and I was like Everyone would love that head. Yeah, little snarky face, and then I realized that maybe he is hideous from a certain angle No, because I just feel like we pay we place way too much focus on looks yeah Everything I might just because you think that's not beautiful doesn't mean I don't think it's beautiful I'm hideous and it's like half the battle of like wanting to live What I feel like if I was more if I wasn't so why you say that about yourself because I got I was like I was like I had hair and I was like not wrinkly and old and I was like I thought I was good looking it's kind of like When a good-looking girl gets old and fat, you know like that's what kind of happened to me What does it mean like in the mirror?
I'm like really like who's gonna love this head? Oh, that's so heartbreaking I know because that we all ages in privilege to age and not saying I think it's easy either like I look at the mirror I'm like, oh, I like different. I don't want to date any comedians or like I thought you were I'm trying to be Wait, when did you start like four years ago? Oh really and you like it?
I love it. I'll tell you what What happens in my company career? I'm not gonna quit. What is that who quits?
Yeah, wow stories to tell somebody just told me that somebody that's successfully caught me the quit Oh my god. I'm not saying it you tell me after you are I cannot believe that you quit that is just Maybe you're hot you bullshit you lied if you know if you quit now, you were never in it for the right reason No, that's not true. Sometimes you evolve your soul moves on to something else You need in in like eight years only eight years. Yeah, I'm already past eight years Yeah, you haven't put you know the deal at ten years at least to know what your full potential is Yeah as a guy that's been good at something ten years that of ten years in skateboarding and then I was good at skateboarding ten Years in radio.
I was good at in radio like I'm not in anything. What's a stupid book thousand? I would think the Malcolm Gladwell ten thousand hours. Thank you only educated person on the show But if I read it if I quit tomorrow, I would not feel any guilt You know if I wanted to quit tomorrow, I wouldn't feel any guilt Okay, well, I see your Because if I wanted to quit I would like oh, that's just it just feels right not like I want to quit because I don't I don't think you know I'd be like because there's something else I want to do probably is why I would quit you know Okay I just feel like when you put in that amount of work and then you have like a fan base it follows you and you're like I'm just leaving it.
It's like you don't know how good you could be yeah You haven't you haven't given it you only got one life. I mean sure spirit Well, I'm pretty sure you're not gonna be selling tickets the commie But right now here you got that chance like and then the opportunities you had nobody's got and you're gonna quit now Shame you should walk the streets naked and we should throw stuff There are some but then you see some people in comedy though where you're like you should quit a while ago You've been at this brother you've been at this for 15 years and Okay, let me say this though Do you think that some people in comedy because this is only from a guy that's new some people look like like as a guy That's really tried to be good at things watching how they go about life. They're not really trying It's more of a social thing. That's true.
You go you smoke your cigarettes. Yeah, the back You got your buddies. Yeah, like are you really afterwards? Are you writing stuff?
Are you like what did I do wrong? What can I do better next week? I'm gonna come back with a vengeance. Yeah, I don't see that in a lot of comics Yeah, it is like you're laid back on stage you're laid back off stage Yeah, you're drinking bees until four in the morning with your buddies after yeah, it's a sport Baby, yeah, if I go home like if I'm trying to get jack of the gym like I don't like do bumps until four in the morning Yeah, I go to bed early because I gotta get my body's rest so I could be a beast in the morning What is interesting because like in your 20s you're like, oh, this is so look this wild crazy thing I'm doing and then your 30s.
You're like, uh, this is my real life like if I don't Secret swim, baby. How am I gonna pay my bills? Right pay bills? I just I hit there's so many people that are so hardcore in comedy that they made me feel not worthy for the first couple years people Like I'm sleeping in my car.
I'm staying in my friend house. I'm like how are you guys are in the trenches? You give up everything and they're men This is like when I'm a skateboard the kid like yeah, we were like I was staying at my mom's house Like yeah, so what like if I make your food and stuff and then you're like a grown-ass man or grown-ass woman You're like sleeping in your car and driving to some city to try and get a gig and you're doing Three minutes set and nobody cares and you come back again and again and again like I respect the hell out of those people for that And it's like when you're shining and you quit. I'm just like well I'm sure there's more to the story.
Yep. Yeah, right. I'm being a dick No, it's not being a dick which is nothing new to me speaking of stand up. You just released your first special Thank you.
Yeah on beef sits live nations new streaming platform. It's the Madden brothers, right? Uh-huh. Yeah, I'm putting his special out there as well, right?
Yeah, and Catherine Ryan David Cross is doing one Reggie Watts. There's some other people like their first round of people But I know a lot of other people are about to be doing specials with them But yeah, it was a great experience. I'm really proud of it is like the you know your best They always say like your first hour specials the sum of your first ten years And then the next one comes a lot quicker cuz obviously, you know how to write better Well, that's always the cliche about like fans making albums is you have your whole life to write your first yes Yeah, yeah, and then three months to write your second. Yeah, exactly So I'm really proud of it and happy with how it came out.
So it's been really fun. Well good Yeah, are you excited about putting that stuff behind you? Yeah, totally I'm so happy to put it behind me like you feel like sometimes you got like crawling to your old skin to do jokes That you've been doing for a while for special. Yeah, definitely I mean I was on I was on the road last year the entire year free weekends out of the month I was Twering with Anthony Jessalnick and the funniest person in the world to me.
Yeah, he really is he talk about someone who puts is so much Thought and precision to every joke because he basically does like one liners or sure or not all of them one liners But shorter jokes so it takes him way longer to build an hour than what someone else So he'll he really only tours like every three four years So it's sort of a bigger deal when he does it not especially compared to now where people just try to put out a special a year Maybe when it's not totally ready to put out, you know, yeah, he's amazing Yeah, he is amazing Yeah, and then I was touring with run funches and I had my own date So it was just so much touring and the years before that too And so I was just so ready by the end to just be done and start over on a new hour and see where I'm at creatively now How's that feel? It's good. It's really fun. I'm really I'm feel free of those jokes It feels great to be working on new stuff.
Yeah, well, I only just started following you on I'm new and I was like wow, you're a beast Oh, thank you. Oh, that's so nice. Thank you. Oh, that's so nice.
We did a thing together Yeah, I didn't get to see your sec cuz I was coming from another I was awesome. Really? I believe you. Yeah, I hit my head The other day.
I don't know what I was a crazy show. Yeah, I did not know what that was gonna be when I walked into it The girl before me got her punched in the and I was like, yeah I was like if anyone tries to punch me in the face going down No, but that's gonna call your brother. That's she loves me. She refuses to not get punched in I love her.
She's she's the best. She's great. Yeah, it was by another girl in case anyone's worried She's not no dudes are allowed, but yeah, but girls are allowed to punch you in the penis I've been punching the dick a couple times there and one time not so bad and then two times real bad Oh one time my mistress. That sounds weird.
Yeah, she's a friend of mine Who's a mistress who came on the show a long time ago and tell he was like Jason you like pain You were probably like being seen a dominatrix well, and I was like maybe and then I went turns out He was right I like that I'm like in there all the time But I do I did like it, but then we became friends and then she was like I'm in town I was like come see the riffraff Oh, and she was there and she was there and I pulled dick punch out of the bucket I was like who's gonna punch me in the dick and I was like there's a person in the audience that has given me can't say it on here But something something torture First word, yeah, like a like a chicken and then this other word is ball. I wish I could do that torture And so I was like I remember she did that to me so she can do it And then I realized afterwards like if you're gonna say she's a dominatrix and you're gonna put her on stage to punch you in the area Yeah, yeah, she's gonna do it right right and it was I hit the ground And my face was on the carpet and I was like so in pain that I can use my hands to get my I was like really No, that wasn't that night. Oh, I was like whoa. I missed a lot.
I think that night. I missed the punch buck thing But I I didn't take my pants off a lot at the riffraff. Wow. Oh, you go every month every Oh, okay, it used to be every week in another place.
Oh, I know that that was the first time I ever seen I was like Oh my god, what is this and then I saw the punch right before I went on stage and I was like I'm not picking for that bucket Yeah, she's the best but if you're if you're like you're an established comedian whenever I see somebody who's a proper You know, maybe a establish comedian is at the riffraff of like okay He had been asking me for multiple months and I was on the road every time And so we kind of booked it like a few months in advance He's like can you do this day? And I was like I have to make it to this one for this guy that I keep saying this to and when I roll in I was like What is this? I should mention Miranda is the she loves to get punch. I love Miranda at this point in your career You probably almost never take her pants off on stage never taking my pants off and if anyone tried to punch me I'd kill him so oh your brother would yeah, speaking of dating.
I saw where Sharon Stone she follows me on Instagram Wow Sharon Stone has been on she said she gave an interview and she said she's been on dating apps Everybody that she meets it seems great. She's like I don't pretend I'm somebody else because everybody knows It's me anyway, but she's like one guy seen perfect and then I met him and you literally have like injection marks all over him She's like I have the worst luck, but this is the year. It's going to happen. You should be in her What do you have to lose?
Yeah, no, I've been denied before so, right? Would you do you message are you wait are you on the apps? I was off for it. Yeah, but do you message the girls first?
I'm not on that one. I was only on I was on bumble. Oh, yeah, I would never go on that one I'm like what's the point of being a woman. I'm not speaking first.
What I got a tap dance for these fools Okay, so what do you want? I'm on an inch so I'm gonna do that Where are you and what is your username? clarify I was I'm gonna go to respectable one bit of girl Yes, yeah, I can't be on I can't be more than one, you know, and then also like I'm not gonna message the guys first You would never ever ever would you approach a guy in real life? Maybe I'm trying to get better about that.
I'm really shy like I was like I don't know I can tell you I don't want to Hey, how's it going one time? I was a girl that was always making comments on me on Instagram She was really hot and I kept showing my friends and my boxing chain was like dude. She's into it My manager was like you gotta do it she's into here and I was like okay. Hey, what do you mean coffee?
I don't think my boyfriend and I was like man you guys I wasn't gonna say I was not gonna say anything And now I feel like an idiot and a creep every time she ever talks to me now Just like new things because I don't want to say I'm like I tried to ask you for coffee Yeah, and you were just being nice and then I cost I couldn't help it. Oh, she was like a fan, but she had a lot of fans I don't know what the hell she's I don't know why she's nice to me. I still don't get it She's probably a fan, but she says she shares a lot of responsibility in that situation if my wife was on some dudes Instagram going Oh, now that's a perfect scarf to the point where he might reasonably go I think I should just ask her out on a day. Yeah, that's partially on her as well.
Yeah, okay. Well, then of course it is Stop playing with my emotions. Yes. Yes.
Okay. Well, then a couple people have done that lately and I'm very sensitive right now So get off me you guys stop doing that I am because I'm trying to date because I'm like oh I want to get married and have children But I just been so busy doing stand up like trying to make it for so long It's just like not been my focus and then I'll call this and I'm like, oh, I guess I gotta like participate in this And so I am going on day tonight with a guy that was in the audience at one of my shows But I saw him you were sitting next to each other without without ever talking So I feel like I saw him as a person at least first before it versus just being some private profile I can't see anything about them. Oh, well, you saw him and then you saw him on the dating. No, he messaged me on Instagram Oh, okay, but it was like the guy that was sitting next to I'd already seen him first You're like he's pretty hot.
I think so like yeah, I think so you think that he needs to be for you to date him No, well look I Pretty non-materialistic. Yeah, well, it's like I want to be attracted to the person But I don't know it doesn't have to be like a lot of times like a very conventionally You know, I don't need some six five like I don't if a guy has abs if a guy has an ab pick on an unhinge I swipe left because I'm like I don't like your personality if he has a six-pack if he has a picture of his I'm showing you yeah, I'm like that's corny. Yeah, that's like I wouldn't like your person. I wouldn't vibe with you That's just dehydrated Typically to maintain a six pack most people need to be like in severe When they do the shows they're totally Racial difference people have six packs.
There's a lot I don't have six packs that don't dehydrated there's but they do they are gym rats. Yeah, exactly Yeah, there's some like to just are able to get six packs without No, I had a friend that was like a Olympic level wrestler and for me and my other he was a Samoan So it was a Simone guy myself and we went to Pinkberry and he was like he's like dang I'll just there's nasty and I was like nasty. I'm like it's not the great Like it's not the greatest candy in the world But it's better than nothing when you're trying to make wait for a fight and he was like nah I'm like what were you a he's like cold stone or nothing and I was like oh, he's a natural But he had like crazy six. Yeah, and I'm both of us were like dude.
You just saying cold stone make both of us fatter Yeah, like it's not fair. Yeah, some people are just genetically like that I have a joke about this on this special Like both my sister-in-laws were skinnier than me when they were nine months pregnant Just look so perfect and hot like models and I was just like all right. Yeah, it's the same as Whitney Cummings It's like feet again. You're a loving your life.
She's Alive from the big dog. Yeah, yeah, and people gotta go to be beeps. Yeah, yeah, you don't get a beep You're not really getting comedy anymore because man those guys have got Yeah, it's it's really fun. Um and if you want the link is in all my social media like Instagram Twitter everything Which is just your name?
Yes, I've lost hockey But if you go on there you're gonna talk to the person that runs it not you so don't send dick pics No, I run it okay, so say dick pics Don't send any dick pics. I'll kill you guys in the audience now You know you've totally got a shot Just totally read your abs and your phone number and you will be hit if you have a public profile. We'll see Okay, not if you find a dick pic though, right or abs. Yeah, like a gut.
That's just a corny But if you don't have an ad and you're so this way is my is my flat double section. That's just odd behavior Right wait a second. Tell me that I could show No body part. Yeah, we're gonna tank top is that kid too risky or is it like sleeve just no pictures is hello is good, right?
Yeah, just try to learn like in for future. Yeah, don't I've never seen anybody add Well, I just think most men should have a female friend help them with their dating profile because so they don't have any female friends Well, that's a you problem Okay, then Yeah All right, all right, thanks for having me I had a really fun time especially learning about all your ferocious animal attacks Yeah Yeah, right it's a fair thing to say yeah, we'll be back this more of patreon.com slash else made for a bunch of shows on there as well Have a good one everybody don't die