Blood of My Blood

There are some everyday moments that will live in your memory forever. I'm not sure why one moment gets cemented in and most others fly away, but as I've sat with why today, I think it’s something about how open and present you are to the sensations and the moment as a whole.Some of these memorable moments tattooed in our minds are painful, others joyous, others seemingly random. The difference about these memorable moments to other memories is how viscerally we recall the minute details. The way the air smelled. The way our shirt touched our skin.The color of the shirt someone was wearing.The exact facial expression of a loved one.I had one of these moments the other day with Alma on the couch. I was laying on the couch trying to horizontal parent, per usual. She kept jumping on me and I would tickle and squeeze her until she rolled off me and would do it again. There was a split second where my mind became totally quiet. I was fully present and with all the details of the situation. I felt this deep, deep connection to the perfection of the moment. I felt the velvety soft skin of her belly under my lips as I blew a raspberry. I felt the warm weight of her body on mine.The smell of her. Like sunshine on flowers.Squeals of glee vibrated through the air and all around me.The way she is still little enough to just toss around, but big enough to run away. And I felt this deep joy and deep melancholy at the same time.The human condition. I was hit with the fact that this moment will never come again.I am not a nostalgic person. I generally feel very good about my girls growing up. I hope to be lucky enough to die long before them.I think about the women they will become with curiosity and excitement. I have had the great privilege of being with them pretty much every moment I have wanted to be for their entire lives.But, I felt in this moment, how fleeting this time when Maya and Alma are little is.I felt, all the way through, the heartbreak of watching your children grow up. A mother and her baby is the most intimate relationship that exists. Blood of my blood. Bones of Bones. But this moment was perfection. And I will cherish the little details forever. This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit clarabelize.substack.com/subscribe