This is a Global Player original podcast. And it affects so much of our lives as well, doesn't it? You know, it's not just that potentially abusive partner. It could be a friend, it could be a family member, it could be a colleague at work.
There's so much going on there that we have to be aware of. And again, you know, it goes back to us as ADHDers worrying that we're wrong. We've got it wrong, we've called it wrong. And we've got to sometimes trust our instincts, I think.
And it's really hard to do. And Leanne said it, when you don't trust yourself, it's that sense of saying, you know, we talk about managing ourselves. I think sometimes the conversations we have, you know, intentionally, we talk about managing ourselves, it comes in my head at least, there's something wrong that I need to fix, there's something that I need to sort out. You know, I've spoken about how I've sort of got a bit tired of it all, I've got to keep managing myself and how hard I've found that.
But it is this sort of sense of, I'm the problem and I need to sort me out. And so, actually, it's quite important to still be able to recognise when somebody else is the problem. And that's quite hard to do when you constantly are looking at yourself as needing to be fixed. Have you ever been in that situation where you've had to basically end the friendship or end the relationship because it just wasn't good for you?
I don't think so. I don't think so. Again, but again, you see, my immediate reaction to that is I've been a terrible friend and I've let people down and I've walked away from relationships. So, I mean, you know, it's probably worth thinking about.
I can't think of any situations like that. To be in a situation where I get a sense that that person likes to laugh at me, actually. And I, you know, I'm the first of it that I will laugh at myself. So, maybe I encourage that a lot.
But it is, but that person probably takes it a bit too far and I can be hurt. I can be hurt by that. And it's got to this age over a period of months where I will feel rubbish at the end of every conversation with that person. And there's so much in there, isn't there?
There is that rejection sensitive disorder because it kind of is, I'm feeling rubbish because they've criticised me. But also, that's not a healthy relationship either because they're not celebrating the good things about me. I can think of one particular relationship where I genuinely began to realise that they made themselves feel better by being around me because they just thought I was rubbish at everything. But I think that's where the RSD comes in or at least the not trusting yourself comes in because everybody, neurotypical, neurodiverse would say that but there are relationships where you say this no longer works or it is, you know, maybe it's just, it's had its season and it's time or as you say, actually it's toxic or it's not very pleasant or I haven't got the emotional energy or time for that and it is right to say, draw the blinds down on that.
The difference with ADHD is that making that decision, trusting your instinct, being clear on what's right and what's wrong is extra hard for us because of the way our brains work. And I think that's where the RSD comes in because if your natural instinct is to go, I'm the problem, making the decision to step away from someone is really hard. And actually what Leanne said was to get some coaching, to have some support, to help you in this. Basically what we've said all along is if you are managing your ADHD, these things become, if not easier, at least they become tasks that you can start to approach.
And I also think, certainly in my case, my ADHD makes it hard to remember sometimes that I've even decided to take that process. Isn't that awful? I shouldn't laugh at that. But you know, it is sometimes.
I'll forget, months will pass and then I'll think, oh well, and my husband just said to me in the past, I thought you had decided to let that go. And I'll go, oh well, yeah, but this time, this time it'll be different. And what's going on there? Is that, I don't know, is that people pleasing or is that me just having forgotten how hard things have got then and hoping that it'll be different this time?
It never is, obviously. And it is just hard to sort of build those boundaries and then hold them. That's the thing. But the balance, I think, is the hard part because the other side of that, which we have to guard against, is saying, I think, you know, I've sent someone a message or I've had some crosswords with somebody, that means that person hates me.
Well, do you know what? My response to that is just to draw the shutters down and I'm never going to speak to them again. And that isn't productive either. And that is the point of the phrase emotional regulation because neither of those reactions to say, oh, I'm just going to be really needy and sick in this toxic situation or just to say, well, I'm going to throw my toys out and run off.
Neither of those are regulated positions. Actually, it's about being able to understand what's really going on for you, what's going on for the other person and making a clear decision. And I thought that was why I had a bit of a revelation really talking to Leanne about RSD because what she described about that extreme reaction used to be me and that was the thing I struggled with. My wife said it was like living with two different people because I hit the roof, I'd go off the deep end and then suddenly, I must be fine, sitting there watching telly and she's like, what about what happened earlier?
And I said, I don't know, I don't remember. Isn't this interesting? Who you are? As somebody who didn't even believe the RSD existed.
It wasn't quite as strong as that. I just was always slightly sceptical that it needed a label. Yeah, and then we talked to Leanne and here you're realising, actually, it's a massive part of who you were and was affecting your relationship with your wife and I imagine with your children too and with your friends because it's, I think, I personally think it should be part of the diagnostic criteria because, you know, from what I've read about it and what we've talked about with Leanne, it is so key to what ADHD is and it is about the fact that we overthink. Our activity is going on in our brain, we are thinking too much and eventually we get to a place where we shouldn't be with our thoughts and that makes us over-emotional and, you know, people getting into fights in pubs or triggered by shame or all of these different things.
I genuinely believe that ADHD is at the heart of that if we could only get the people who matter to take it more seriously and to understand how important it is. Just as she said, this is massive and it could fundamentally change society. You know, numbers of people who probably ended up in prison because they reacted in a way that was fiery and aggressive and unnecessary because they didn't know that they were overreacting to something that was true and we really, really need to take it more seriously as I think not just for personal reasons but because it would help all of us. What Leanne said, and she did have the key to this, I think, is what she said was to work on emotional regulation.
I think it's all the stuff we talk about about managing ADHD. We talk about awareness and we talk about how hard sometimes this is and whether we can be bothered and I think what it demonstrates is why it's so important to be aware of yourself and to manage your ADHD because when you start to be able to regulate your emotions, when you're actually able to identify what's going on, you're able to pause your brain for a minute and just say what's going on, you're able to make rational decisions. Honestly, you're able to say, yeah, maybe I am upset about this particular crossword I've had with this person. But is it worth ending the relationship?
Or you're able to say, do you know what? I feel like I really need this person but hang on a minute, it's ending in this traumatic experience so maybe I want to walk away from that. But you can't make those decisions when you live in the extremes of emotions or when you're going 100 miles an hour. So all the stuff we've talked about from exercise to eating right to sleeping right to finding ways for you that manage your ADHD, all of that helps to calm you and helps you to make rational decisions.
I found that really, really inspirational actually because it made me think all the stuff that I can't be bothered to do, there's a reason to do it. There is, and she talks about the importance of sleep. We've talked about sleep before with Sophie Post. That is such a key part of our emotional discrimination, isn't it?
Which is also related to the whole RSD scenario and all the things you mentioned and a good night's sleep can make such a difference, can't they, how we respond to those tricky situations and those tricky relationships. But I do think her point about yes, RSD, yes, we find things difficult, yes, we have to think, but sometimes we're right and sometimes those relationships are bad for us and we need to know when to get out and to do it. That's everything for today. You can listen and subscribe to You're Wrong About ADHD on Global Player or wherever you get your podcasts.
Thanks for listening. See you next time. This is a Global Player original podcast.